We women of faith have so many strengths when it comes to building a business, but one of our weaknesses is a tendency to take the failures and success of our business very personally.

It makes sense - when we pour our hearts and souls into creating something that we know can help change people's lives, it can be hard not to take it personally when things don't go according to plan. But letting the highs and lows of our business dictate our emotions is a recipe for misery.

Let's explore how to create a healthy emotional distance between who we are personally and what we're creating in our businesses. Not only will it ensure better success in life and business, but it will also make it all a lot more FUN!

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01:04 Why Women Approach Business Differently

03:31 Separating Personal and Business Identities

04:56 Understanding Control in Business

07:26 Viewing Business as a Science Experiment

17:22 Signs Your Business is Too Personal

21:07 Maintaining Fun in Business

22:16 Conclusion and Next Steps

here is the most important

lesson to learn early on.

2

In business and any time in life

when things are not going to plan.

3

Your worth is eternal.

4

And nothing can touch it.

5

Uh, nothing changes, nothing you do.

6

Or don't do nothing your business

does or doesn't do nothing.

7

The people in your life do or

don't do can change your worth.

8

If you can just sit in that

truth for a few minutes.

9

It can really change everything.

10

This is Burning Brightly, a podcast

for Christian moms who are feeling

11

called to build a business and

share their light with the world.

12

I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life coach,

mom, and entrepreneur, and I'm honored

13

to be your guide as you face this

business building adventure full of

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highs, lows, and everything in between.

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This is where we help each

other find the courage to shine.

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Hey friend, welcome back to

burning brightly this week.

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We're going to be talking

about how to ensure that our

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business is not too personal.

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That we're remembering it's

actually not personal it's business.

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There's a reason that that phrase exists.

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But first let's back up for a minute

and talk about why we, women are

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special in the business space.

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And.

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It's because we approach our

business in a very different manner,

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generally speaking than the men do.

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In fact, one of the reasons I've

noticed that women are sometimes turned

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off by the idea of business it's

because of how men build businesses.

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I'm going to speak in generalities

here for a minute, but.

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As a rule men build businesses

in a way that suits their

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own personality, which is.

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Again, generally, very different

than how women operate.

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And so we see men building

businesses in this way.

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And many of us are turned off by

it because it doesn't appeal to

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our own female way of doing things.

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It just doesn't speak to our hearts

in the way that we need as women.

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And if we're going to build a business,

we want to do it in a way that speaks to.

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What feels good to us?

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That looks like.

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Through loving people through nurturing

relationships, through wanting to do good.

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And being concerned about taking advantage

of people or overcharging or doing

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something that doesn't feel good to us.

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We struggle when we think that we have

to be cutthroat in business and we want

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to build our businesses just like we

built our lives, which is intentionally

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and with God at the forefront again.

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This is not to knock men.

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There are many wonderful entrepreneur

men who do this same thing.

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But we just have very

different personalities.

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so when we see the business

world in the way that we do,

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sometimes we are turned off by it.

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That is why it is natural and normal

for a lot of women to just pour our

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hearts and souls into our businesses.

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And then we wonder why we're taking

it so hard when things don't go well.

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We put everything we have into it and we

work and we slave and we stress over it

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and then it doesn't turn out the way we

anticipate and we are just heartbroken.

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It's also hard for many of us to

imagine building a business that

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becomes successful and then selling it.

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We can't really wrap our mind around

the idea of not being personally

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involved in all of our business.

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In other words, we mix up the

business and the personal.

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So there is some danger in this.

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We start to believe sometimes that

our business is an extension of us.

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That if our business has not going

well, there's something wrong with us.

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We think that business failure

means personal failure.

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If our businesses doesn't succeed,

it doesn't meet the goals and

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the metrics that we have for it.

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Then there is something wrong

with us or what we're doing.

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We wonder what's wrong with us

personally when things don't

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turn out well in our business.

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And we go cry in our closets

when people reject us because our

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business has become too personal.

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So one of the first things we can do

very early on is separate mentally

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and emotionally from our businesses.

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Clearly separate them from who we

are personally, early, early on.

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One way that the business world encourages

people to do this is financially.

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If you've read profit first or any

financial book about business, you

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will learn that one of the first

things you should do is separate your

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personal and your business accounts.

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Right?

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This is a very critical thing.

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In fact, that.

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Government will get after

you, if you don't do this.

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But we forget that we also have to

do this mentally and emotionally,

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or to keep ourselves sane.

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And side note, I've noticed that we moms

actually kind of struggle with this.

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In other areas of our lives as well.

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When it comes to our marriages

or our homes or our kids.

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We like to take sometimes way too much

responsibility for these things, even when

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certain things are out of our control.

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So in reality, we actually don't have

much control over what our husbands do.

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Or over what our homes look like.

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We have some control, but not all of it.

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Or what our kids choose

to do with their lives.

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And the sooner we learn this, the

sooner we can be at peace with the

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people and the things around us.

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Being not in alignment

with what we want because.

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Spoiler alert a lot of the

times, they're not going to be

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in alignment with what we want.

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This is just life.

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This is just humanity.

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We each do the best we

can with our own lives.

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And then we let everyone else live the

life they have and we have to be okay

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with it, even when it's not what we want.

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And our business is the same way.

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Now, let me just put you at ease.

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There is a lot we can control.

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We know this, we control how we

show up every day in our business.

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We control what we build the structure of

our business, the structure of our offers.

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We control how often to offer

these things, what to price it at.

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We control who we work with.

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We can turn people down if it's

not in alignment with what we want.

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But there is also so much

that we cannot choose in our

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business and we can not control.

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We can't control how many people like us.

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And we can't always control how many

people are on our email list or how many

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people are our social media followers.

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We can't always directly control

who buys from us or whether or

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not they leave us good reviews.

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Or if people come back as repeat customers

or clients, Again, a lot of what we do.

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Impacts this, but we can't directly

control the actions of others.

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So, how are we going to show

up when our business does not

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turn out the way we expected?

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Because.

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Shocker.

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It's not going to turn

out the way we expected.

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Sometimes it's going

to turn out way better.

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As soon as this is going to turn

out a little bit worse than we

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expected, regardless, we have

to manage our expectations and

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we can do that by separating our

business from who we are personally.

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So here is the most important

lesson to learn early on.

130

In business and any time in life

when things are not going to plan.

131

Your worth is eternal.

132

And nothing can touch it.

133

Uh, nothing changes, nothing you do.

134

Or don't do nothing your business

does or doesn't do nothing.

135

The people in your life do or

don't do can change your worth.

136

If you can just sit in that

truth for a few minutes.

137

It can really change everything.

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And I think most of us Christian

women understand that truth

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at a fundamental level.

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But sometimes we don't always believe it.

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We, we want to believe it.

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And we believe it's true for our

spouses and for our children and for

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the other people we love in our life.

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But for us, ourselves, it's a

little bit hard to understand.

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Sometimes we think, no, I'm

just not productive enough.

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I'd be a little bit more worthy.

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If I were a little more productive.

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Or I, wasn't very good at loving

the people around me this week.

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So I think I'd be a little bit

better in some way, if I could

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just love the people around me.

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That's just not true.

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You are beautifully and wonderfully

made by the creator of the universe.

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And.

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He is able to do miracles in

both your life and your business.

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They just very often don't

come when we want them to, or

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in the way that we anticipate.

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Very often there are way greater, but

sometimes we have to wait for them

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and sometimes we have to be patient.

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Life just doesn't pan out.

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Like we expected.

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And when that happens, what then

what do we do at that point?

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So let's talk for just a minute, about

a few of the ways to extricate some

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of that personal from your business.

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So you don't have to crash and feel

horrible every time you have a setback,

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so you don't have to make it mean

something about you or your worth.

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When things don't pan out as expected.

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So I like to think of things that are

personal as things that are a part of

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us, like our bodies or our personalities.

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It's not easy to extricate

my personality from me.

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This is just me.

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Sometimes there are parts

of my personality that I can

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tweak a little bit, right.

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If I can, a little bit too

loud and boisterous in.

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Maybe situations where I should

be a little bit more reserved.

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I can tweak that a little bit.

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Or if I'm sometimes kind of

rude or gossipy, that's not a

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portion of my personality that

is in line with who I want to be.

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So I can tweak that a little bit.

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My body, same thing I can.

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Exercise and eat better to

try to make it healthier.

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But I can't actually

remove myself from my body.

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That would be death.

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So our bodies, our personalities,

these are all intrinsically part of us.

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Relationships are also very

personal, even though we can only

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control half of the equation.

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Our half of that relationship,

it's still a very personal thing.

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And connecting with God.

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That's a relationship as well.

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Right?

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That is very, very personal.

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But your business is not, it's not a

part of you in any way, shape or form.

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If it feels like it is, we

might have some work to do.

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If your business feels too personal,

you're going to notice that it starts

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to get in the way of success and, or.

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Healthy failure.

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I should just say, and there will be

failure in your business, but if it

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doesn't feel healthy, if it feels like it

drags you down and it makes you miserable

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and it makes you second, guess your life

choices, it might not be healthy failure.

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The type that helps us to learn.

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So instead of business being a

part of us, like our arm or our.

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Love of dancing.

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It is simply a science experiment.

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You guys have heard me

talk about this before.

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I feel really strongly that we understand

that it's just something we try.

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Sometimes I like to think of it as

a math equation as well, but since

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there's right and wrong answers in math.

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I prefer science experiment.

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That feels a lot more in alignment

with what I'm trying to build.

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I am just throwing chemicals together

and I'm hoping to not blow myself up.

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I am just trying to figure

out the best way to get the

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results that I'm hoping to get.

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So just like a science experiment,

we contribute some inputs, right.

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We will gather the materials and

we will measure them out and will

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add them in certain measurements.

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Maybe we'll change up

the timing a little bit.

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And then the business

creates the outputs, right?

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So when it comes to our business,

that might look like we're going to

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try this freebie to build our list.

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And then we're going to try emailing

our list in this way or this way.

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Maybe we'll try once a month and

then we'll try doing it once a week.

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And then we'll try offering something.

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for sale to our email list every month.

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And then we'll try it a little more often.

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Right?

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So we're putting these inputs, just

trying to see what happens, just trying

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to see if we get the results that we want.

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And then the business kind

of spits out these outputs.

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Now, obviously we are creating the

business as we go, but again, we don't

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know what our audience wants yet.

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We, we won't know until we've offered a

certain amount of things and we've grown

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it to a certain point and then we can

kind of get some more consistent results.

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Now, this can be very hard to

acknowledge when you were a solo

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preneur, when it's just, you.

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In charge of everything,

because it feels very personal.

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You write an email and nobody reads it

and you think I'm a terrible writer.

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Nobody liked my subject line.

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Nobody's paying attention.

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Right?

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Your brain comes up with these stories.

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That makes that result mean there's

something wrong with you and.

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What we know about the brain tells

us that it does this to protect us.

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It's not doing this to be a bully.

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Our brain is saying what you're

doing is painful and uncomfortable.

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You need to stop.

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It feels dangerous, right?

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Putting out an email that nobody reads.

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Prompts the brain to tell a

stories that will hopefully get

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us to stop doing those things.

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So we don't have to feel uncomfortable.

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Totally normal and

expected from the brain.

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It feels personal.

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It feels like our fault when things go

wrong or don't go according to plan.

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And so we got to watch those stories

because our brain is going to try

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to pull us back and keep us from

continuing to feel that discomfort.

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But again, it's all just an experiment.

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It's all just for fun.

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Sometimes it can help us to understand

this experiment perspective.

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If we think about other things in

life that are like experiments.

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So I came up with a list for you guys.

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Recipes recipes are very literally

science experiments, chemical experiments.

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We are throwing ingredients

together And heating them up and

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mixing them in a certain way.

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And hopefully creating a result that

is delicious and nutritious and are.

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Picky five-year-old

will eat right recipes.

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Great experiments.

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Building a home is an experiment.

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I'm sure you've had a house at

some point that drove you crazy.

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Like the floor plan was really annoying

and you tried to set up your furniture

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in a way that worked where you tried

to decorate it in a way that you loved

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and it always kinda drove you crazy.

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Or maybe you just wish you had an

extra bathroom that would fit the way

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your family lives a little bit better.

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Right?

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So anytime we're shopping for

a home or decorating a home or

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trying to put it together in a way.

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That is conducive to our lifestyle.

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That's an experiment.

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We're just trying things out.

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There's nothing wrong with it.

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Sometimes we take this

personally, too, right?

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Like all my house is a mess.

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That means there's

something wrong with me.

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Or I have to pick just the right

shade of green for this wall color,

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or it's not going to tie together,

but it's all just an experiment.

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It's all just something to try it.

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I also look at parenting as an experiment.

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This is kind of a high stakes experiment

because we are trying so hard to

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do quote unquote, the right thing.

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And I personally do believe that there

are right and wrong ways to parent in

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many instances, but not in all instances.

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I personally don't want

to yell at my kids.

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I don't want to lose control.

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I don't want to treat them in a

way that's going to harm them.

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Long-term.

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But most of what I do

is just trial and error.

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For example, my kids have a once a week

school program they're at today and

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one of my kids claimed she was sick.

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Now you public schoolers out

there are probably like, yeah,

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you fell for the classic.

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I'm so sick.

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I got to stay home from school thing.

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Yeah, I did.

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Okay.

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I did.

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I don't know a lot of

experience with this.

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And she was very clearly not sick and

she just wanted to watch TV all day.

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And now I'm trying to figure out,

okay, what would be an adequate.

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Consequence for this kid.

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So she doesn't want to stay home next

time and just waste time watching TV.

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Right.

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So we're just trying

things out and each kid.

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Is there own science experiment

because each one has different

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personalities and different

strengths and different weaknesses.

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So that is a wild and crazy ride.

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What about education?

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Your own education or also

the education of your kids.

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Also an experiment.

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Maybe you put your kid in the local

public school and you realize, well,

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that teacher did not do so well.

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Let's try a private school or let's

try this charter school or let's

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try homeschooling or let's just try

something else until we hit a solution

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that works well or our own education.

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If you've been to college or trade

school or anything else that has

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helped you get ahead educationally.

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You may have found ways that

worked for you in ways that

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didn't work topics that you loved.

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Uh, other subjects you didn't love.

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So many different ways

to get a great education.

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And then finally, another

science experiment.

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I find myself participating

in a lot is my hobbies.

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What am I going to try out lately?

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Am I going to do something physical?

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Am I going to do something

crafty or DIY related?

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What sort of hobby will motivate me to.

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Enjoy life a little bit more,

or develop myself in some way.

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So again, all of these

are just experiments.

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Sometimes they go so well.

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And we're like, wow, I can't believe

that this turned out the way it did.

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I made an amazing recipe or look at this

kid he's making great choices or, wow.

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I found this hobby that I just.

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I'm obsessed with and love so much.

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And sometimes these

experiments go terribly wrong.

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According to our perspective, right?

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We think.

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That was a failure.

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Why did I do it like that lesson

learned next time, we're probably

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going to change things up a little

bit, but they're all just experiments.

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Hopefully when these experiments

go quote unquote wrong.

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Not according to plan, we don't make it

mean that we're terrible in some way we

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don't say, oh, this was a crappy recipe.

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So I'm a terrible cook

or my house does messy.

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So I'm a terrible homemaker or

I'm a terrible parent or I'm a

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terrible learner or a crafter.

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I don't know.

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Whatever you try is just

a learning experiment.

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And this is what business is as well.

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Or just learning one step at a time.

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And the people who make tons of

money and are very clearly a success

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in every sense of the word in

their business does not mean that

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they're better than you in any way.

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They've just been learning.

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Maybe they've been learning longer.

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Maybe they've implemented the

lessons a little bit more quickly.

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Maybe they've had some background

education or experience that

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has helped them to learn.

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Better in some way,

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but we're all learning as business owners.

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Now, in addition to understanding

that it's a science experiment, we

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also have to understand that our

businesses have identities of their own.

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Have you thought of that?

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How do we know this is true.

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Because businesses can be bought and

sold and it's actually illegal to sell

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part of yourself like a body part.

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So that's how, you know, your

business is not part of you.

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Cause it can be bought and sold.

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You can actually build your

business till it's profitable

377

and sell it to someone else.

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Crazy right.

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You can create a business that

operates completely independent of you.

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It happens every day.

381

People do this all the time.

382

They create a business, they get it

to make money and then they step out.

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And they either run it.

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You know, from the sidelines or

they sell it to someone else and

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just make a profit off of it.

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Now many of us who are listening today

will not go down that path because

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we feel so passionately about being

an integral part of our businesses.

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So we don't want to let it

go to somebody else because.

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It's kind of our passion project.

390

Right?

391

We love it so much, but some of us

will, some of us will create, uh, maybe

392

an e-commerce business or some sort of

manufacturing business or, uh, something

393

that creates value for people and makes

money and we'll sell it to someone else.

394

That's pretty cool.

395

But for those of us who are using like

our personal talents and gifts to create

396

offers and are changing lives that way.

397

Our businesses wouldn't

work great without us.

398

So that's not an option for

many of us, but just remember.

399

This business is not you, even

if you are a very key part of it.

400

It's just an experiment we've created

with some things that we are good at.

401

Okay.

402

Now I want to give you a list of

ways you can tell if you're making

403

your business too personal, you might

think, you know, maybe this is me.

404

How can I tell for sure.

405

So here are some ways to know.

406

Number one, you are constantly worried

about the success of your business.

407

If it keeps you up at night, if

you're stressing regularly about it.

408

That you might be making it

a little bit too personal.

409

Number two, you get your feelings

hurt when people don't buy or

410

when they critique your work or

they make mean comments online.

411

Now this is hard to overcome.

412

I personally think I'm pretty.

413

Separate from my business.

414

I don't take it very personally, but

I still get my feelings hurt sometimes

415

when people are mean to me online.

416

But remember if it's about your

business at all, you can just say, oh,

417

that person doesn't like my business.

418

That's too bad.

419

You could extricate yourself from it.

420

Okay.

421

Number three, you find your

opinion of yourself wavering

422

depending on how business is going.

423

So if business is up, you think

highly of yourself, and if

424

businesses down, you think poorly of

yourself, that means you're little

425

bit too close to the business.

426

You need to extricate

yourself personally from it.

427

Number four, you're constantly

looking towards a specific goal.

428

So you can feel good about

yourself or about your business.

429

I slip into this very often, whatever the

goal is, and I'm working on, I find myself

430

not being able to relax or really enjoy

my business until I've hit that goal.

431

And then I hit the goal

and I make another one.

432

It's the gap and the gain all over again.

433

It makes me crazy.

434

I'm learning, trying to learn

how to get out of this trap.

435

But if you are constantly looking

towards that goal and not allowing

436

yourself to feel good about

your business until you meet it.

437

It might be a little bit too personal.

438

And then finally, number five,

the idea of your business failing.

439

I E not meeting your goals.

440

Is horrifying to you.

441

It would feel like a personal failure.

442

It would feel like something

was wrong with you.

443

So, do you see how these five.

444

Tendencies these five traps.

445

Really identify that we've got

ourselves wrapped up into our

446

business just a little bit too much.

447

If we're able to extricate

ourselves a little bit from that.

448

We're going to find so much more peace

and joy in building our business.

449

In other words, if your

business is outcome is really

450

closely tied to your emotions.

451

You're a little bit too

personally connected to him.

452

So ask yourself this,

what stories are in there?

453

We've all got stories swirling, right?

454

We've got these soundtracks as

Johnny, Jacob says swirling in

455

our heads about our business.

456

What is it?

457

Remember a business and its success

or failure, whether it makes money

458

or not is just a circumstance.

459

So, what story are you telling about

your business's success or failure that

460

is creating these intense emotions?

461

How can we take some pressure

off the future of your business?

462

How can we relax and embrace

it, even when things go wrong,

463

how can we laugh about it?

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How can we get curious instead

of getting upset or mad about it?

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And one of my favorite ways to

pull myself out personally for my

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business is to ask myself what I

would think or feel if it were someone

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else's business in this instance.

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, let me give you an example.

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Let's say I'm running some Facebook

ads and I'm not getting the leads I

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wanted or they're way too expensive.

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Instead of thinking, gosh, I did

something wrong or these ads are

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garbage or nobody wants to see them.

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What if I could shift my perspective and

ask myself what I would tell a friend

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who was experiencing this, probably

wouldn't tell her, wow, your ads are

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garbage and nobody wants what you have.

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No, that would be mean

and make me a bad friend.

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Instead, I would shift

into a space of curiosity.

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Hmm.

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Interesting.

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Could we test some different ones?

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You're doing some static images.

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Could we try some videos?

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Could we try.

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Running it to different audiences.

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What else could we try or do

we want to keep running ads?

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If they're this expensive, can

we try a different way to get

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some leads for our business?

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So shifting into that perspective

of what would I say or think or feel

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if it were someone else's business.

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Can sometimes help us to

alleviate some of that pressure.

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And remember putting large amounts of

pressure on your business to make money

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when it is currently not is a sure-fire

way to make it way too personal,

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and frankly, to kill your business.

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This is so hard to accept because many of

us start our businesses to make money, but

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businesses like gardens take a long time

to nurture and grow and to yield fruit.

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So, is there another way

you could get some money?

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Is there another way that you could

supplement your income to take

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the pressure off this business

so that you can be a little bit.

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More calm and rational to experiment.

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If someone goes into a medical

lab, desperately needing a cure

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for cancer today, how effective

are they going to be in that lab?

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Not very.

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They're going to be so.

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Stressed by the pressure of

needing a solution today, they're

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probably not gonna find it.

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It's going to take time and.

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The less pressure we put on it,

the easier it is to get there.

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In short, if our business does not

feel fun, We're making it too personal.

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Our businesses are supposed to be fun.

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It's supposed to be something we enjoy.

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How can we get the fun back into it

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by looking at it like

a science experiment.

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That is just for fun and

not something that is.

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Inexorably tied to who we are.

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I hope that helps you enjoy

your business more friends.

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I love you so much.

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I'll talk to you next week.

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Are you ready to start or

grow your dream business?

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Click the link in the show notes to

download the free starter guide to

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building a business or to schedule

a free coaching call And if you

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loved this episode, Don't forget

to leave a review and share it with

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a friend who might be feeling the

call to burn a little brighter.