Boundaries for midlife women, people-pleasing recovery, self-care, and marriage—learn why boundaries matter and how to set boundaries that stick. In this episode, we unpack what boundaries are, why boundaries become non-negotiable in midlife, and simple tools to set boundaries in marriage, friendships, work, and faith. With guest expert Dr. Becky Whetstone, we explore people-pleasing, nervous-system cues, and scripts you can use today. If you’ve struggled to speak up, this conversation will help you build healthier habits, protect your peace, and live aligned. Expect real talk, a relatable story (yes, even snoring + sleep!), and a practical challenge to start setting boundaries now.

Timestamps (in parentheses):

(00:00) Introduction to boundaries in midlife

(02:10) Why boundaries matter for women 40+ (roles, energy, identity)

(06:05) Host shares a personal boundary win (sleep, snoring & choices)

(09:40) Guest shares insights on people-pleasing & childhood wiring

(14:12) Boundaries beyond relationships: health, faith, career, time

(18:20) Scripts you can use to set boundaries (word-for-word)

(23:05) Handling pushback: guilt, entitlement & escalation

(27:18) How boundaries reduce stress and improve wellbeing

(30:10) Weekly challenge: define one value-aligned “no” and one restorative “yes”

(32:00) Closing encouragement & next steps

Key Takeaways:

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• Boundaries protect your peace, energy, and values—without them, stress and resentment grow.
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• People-pleasing is learned; you can unlearn it with awareness, practice, and support.
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• Your body signals boundary violations (tight chest, anxiety); listen and respond.
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• Simple scripts reduce friction: “That doesn’t work for me,” “I need to check my calendar,” “I can’t commit, but thank you.”
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• When you change your boundaries, life gets lighter—health, relationships, and purpose all improve.
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Guest Bio:

Dr. Becky Whetstone is a marriage and family therapist and the founder of Marriage Crisis Management. She specializes in boundaries, relationship repair, and helping women overcome people-pleasing and anxiety to build healthier, values-aligned lives.

Resource Links:

• Lesakoski.com
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• Work with Dr. Becky Whetstone — https://marriagecrisismanager.com/
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• Doing Life Different Podcast — subscribe & share
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• Boundary Scripts (mentioned): “That doesn’t work for me right now,” “I need to check my calendar,” “I can’t commit, but thank you for thinking of me.”
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Tags/Keywords:

boundaries, boundaries in midlife, women over 40, people pleasing, self care, marriage advice, relationship boundaries, faith and wellness, mindset shift, emotional health, nervous system, stress reduction, confidence for women, personal growth, healthy habits, saying no, life after 40, midlife women empowerment

Today on doing life different, we are talking all about boundaries.

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Why we need them midlife, how

they can make our lives better.

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How to, like what the tools

actually are to set boundaries and

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the real life stuff that happens.

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Here's a story about me and a boundary.

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My husband would go off golfing on

Wednesdays and he'd have a few toddies.

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He'd come home and snore the

night away, and I didn't sleep.

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My sleep is so important to me.

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I am a woman learning how to have

boundaries, and it's kind of uncomfortable

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for him, but he is doing really well.

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I told him, um, honey, if you go to

golf and have some drinks, I want

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you to just sleep in a different bed

because my sleep is so important to me.

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And it was a little weird and a little

bit uncomfortable, but the bottom line is.

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I slept way better and if he

wanted to sleep with me, he

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just didn't have the totties.

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So it was set up for me and it

was his choice how to respond to

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it, and it gave me a better life

in a little tiny way because.

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Thursday mornings, I had

a great night of sleep.

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So we actually have my friend Dr.

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Becky Wetstone.

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You can find her at Marris

Marriage Crisis Management if you

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want to work with her directly.

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She has so much insight, and this

isn't just about relationships, it's

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about boundaries for your marriage,

for your friends, and for yourself.

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So stay tuned.

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It's a really great one.

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Speaker 2: Welcome friends.

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I am so thrilled to have Dr.

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Becky back and today we are talking

about boundaries and I, you know,

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I'm gonna share some of my own.

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I'm gonna sit in the chair or

lay on the couch in front of Dr.

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Becky to try to help you learn.

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But what we really wanna talk about.

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Through this episode is why boundaries

matter in midlife, why that can

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kind of be a wake up call, and then

how they can transform your life.

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And then I think Dr.

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Becky and I are gonna get into some tools

that can help you set good boundaries.

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So Becky, welcome to Doing Life different.

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Speaker 3: Thank you

so much for having me.

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I love coming here and talking to

you about these kinds of things.

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It's my favorite subject.

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Yes.

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Speaker 2: Well, and Dr.

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Becky, you are like one of our

favorite guests and I'm really

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excited because we're gonna have

you on more, which is really fun.

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I'm so excited.

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This is just great.

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How do I, I love it.

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How do I deserve this?

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This is too good.

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Oh, you're just too good.

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I mean, go back and listen

to the past episodes.

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You always have great insight,

um, for our listeners.

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But let's start today.

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Let's talk about boundaries and

why are they important in midlife?

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Speaker 3: Well, I mean,

it's not just midlife.

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They're right.

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They're important.

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Um.

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Throughout life and our parents

are supposed to teach us how to

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set boundaries with people, but

the problem is that they don't.

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So a lot of us, uh, end up just

sort of having the kind of boundary

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system that we grew up with.

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For instance, I grew up

in a Boundaryless family.

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My husband grew up in a walled off family.

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So I married a Waldorf guy and he

married a formerly Boundaryless girl.

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Now, uh, boundaries are a

human being's security system.

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Speaker 2: Well, and I

wanna, I just wanna add in.

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I think, I love what you're saying,

and it's so important to teach our kids

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this, and there are so many of us that

didn't learn this, and I think they're

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important throughout your whole life,

but I think they kind of hit you over

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the head midlife and beyond because you

have all these different roles, right?

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And so you can't do it anymore.

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So you're like.

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Doing the career thing,

you're being the mama.

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I've got the grandma thing going where

I wanna, you know, watch those grand

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babies, the wife, the, the caretaker.

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You've got page parents that are aging.

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And I, and then of course,

going through something like I

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did was really eye-opening and

woo, I might be over giving.

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And it was maybe why

I bring up midlife Dr.

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Becky is because that's the,

that's when I really noticed it.

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That's when I was like.

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I can't even do this anymore.

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I can't survive like it's making me sick.

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Speaker 3: Well, I don't know if you've

ever read about when, you know, when

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we all eventually become, become senior

citizens, a lot of senior citizens, uh.

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Have, have formally not had

great boundaries, you know, and

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then, and just like you said,

people get sick of themselves.

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They get sick of being taken advantage of.

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And so then they just get to, to

where, you know, they, you know,

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seniors so often will just go like,

I don't, they don't care anymore.

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Right.

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Forget it.

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Right.

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Don't care if they hurt your balance.

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Yes, exactly.

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Exactly.

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And so yeah, there, there is a building

of, of stress that comes along with not

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setting appropriate, uh, boundaries,

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Speaker 2: which I think can leave

to like physical ailments as well.

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You know, we know how important

stress is in our body's health.

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Speaker 3: No, it's, it's, it's a,

it's an epidemic problem that people

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don't set appropriate boundaries.

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And, and I used to be one of those,

I used to not have a clue, I did not

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protect myself from boundary offenders.

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Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

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And

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Speaker 3: then, and then the

other side of boundaries is,

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is so, is protecting yourself.

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From getting harmed by people or taken

advantage of or manipulated or whatever.

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But it's also restraining yourself so

that you don't violate or harm people.

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So you have to learn boundaries both ways.

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So, so very few people have

ever learned anything about

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appropriate boundaries, right?

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So they're seeing it, and again,

they're, they're usually just using the

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boundary system that they grew up with.

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I, my mom was a.

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Uh, world class elite athlete in pleasing.

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She was a So am I Southern Bell, you

know, and she wanted everybody to be

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happy, and she was very accommodating,

you know, and PE people might come over

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to our house and my mother would be like,

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Speaker 4: oh, so

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Speaker 3: am

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Speaker 4: I.

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Speaker 3: And then as soon as they would.

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She didn't believe how awful she was.

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Now, she should have set, my mother

should have been setting boundaries

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with these people, but she would

never, she wanted everybody to

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think everything was wonderful all

the time, you know, and so, right.

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So that was one of my first

realizations that, you know,

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like, what the hell is this?

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You know, like, yeah.

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Can you be yourself?

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Can you, can you speak out for yourself

instead of be a phony all the time?

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You know?

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Right.

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Pretending that what you just did to

me is okay when it's not, you know,

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Speaker 2: so well, Dr.

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Becky.

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I think what I have seen in

my life too is the tremendous

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amount of freedom that I obtain.

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When I set a boundary and

it's really hard for me.

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So I, and then, but so, but when I

have that boundary, I have time to

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like use my calling to connect with

God to like live my purpose on life.

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But when I didn't have those

boundaries, I was being sucked and

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I didn't even have time to look at.

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And I can use an example and I don't

wanna get into too much detail 'cause I.

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I don't want anyone to know who

this person is, but I had a friend,

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sometimes I call 'em frenemies, but

she was a friend and she, she could,

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it wasn't a healthy relationship.

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She could be nice to me.

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No one really cared for her 'cause she was

kind of one of those people that bragged.

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And I took her under my wing

because I felt sorry for her.

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And her.

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She was going through a divorce

and she had a a child, and so I.

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Just accepted it.

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And my husband would be like, she

said something really mean, you know,

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like she could say mean things and

then she, it was passive aggressive

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and then it would kind of stop.

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So finally, um, it took her being unkind.

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To another person who was kind of in

our, we had daughters the same age,

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and I think she was maybe jealous of

this other mom or whatever it was.

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And that was where God

went, Uhuh, that's done.

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And that's where I did the

boundary where I'm like, no.

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I can't be around this.

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And I let her know, and I tried

to be healthy and I thanked her

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for the things she had taught me.

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She was very service oriented.

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And so I like sent her a text and

she just kind of ignored that stuff

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and pretend that we talk again.

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So, and here's the thing, Dr.

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Becky.

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My life is so much better now

and friendships have opened,

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but it didn't feel good.

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I was very uncomfortable

for a very long time.

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Talk to me

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Speaker 3: about that because you

thought you were doing something

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wrong, because you have an old belief.

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Or value from your past that setting

boundaries with people is wrong.

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Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

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And

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Speaker 3: therefore, when you

set one, you feel guilty about it.

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And that's what guilt is.

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Guilt is like if I have a belief that

it's wrong to steal and I come over

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to your house and steal one of your

rings, I'm gonna feel guilty about

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it because I did something that.

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That is against my

belief and value system.

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So part of the problem is, is, and

especially pleasers, you know, like

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pleasers belief system is, is um, you

know, uh, you don't confront people, you

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don't make people feel uncomfortable.

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You're always pleasant and you

know, and all that kind of stuff.

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So.

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Pleasers usually perceive saying

no, or please don't do that, or,

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you know, that's not appropriate or

whatever as being a, a jerk or a witch.

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Mm-hmm.

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And it's actually not, I mean, you

know, we all have our comfort levels

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and, and part of our protection

with boundaries is, and when someone

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pushes beyond our comfort level.

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Normally we give 'em little hints that,

Hey, let's change the subject, or too

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much information, or, I don't like how

you're talking about, my friend might

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need too much for somebody who's personal.

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Right.

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Set boundaries.

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But yeah, you're gonna feel

a certain kind of way because

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you're telling yourself that I am.

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I'm being an unpleasant person and

being an unpleasant person is, is wrong.

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But unfort, like, I wrote a blog about

this just in the last week or so, and

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I, I talk about how, you know, you can

give people hints that you, you know,

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I don't appreciate this, but there's,

we all know there's clueless people

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out there that don't take a hint.

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And the ones that don't take hints,

I'm afraid you have to be mean to 'em.

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You have to be mean to them.

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There's some people that don't.

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Yes, they don't understand anything else

other than, okay, look, I tried to tell

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you nicely to leave me alone, and now

I'm telling you, leave me the hell alone.

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You know?

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I mean, yes.

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You sometimes have to up the ante.

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And, um, and, and I hate that.

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That's true.

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But, but I think another reason that

you may feel bad about setting a

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boundary is you are valuing another

person's comfort over your own.

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Speaker 2: And you, well, and Dr.

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Becky, let's talk about that more because

I, and I'm, I'm working to get there,

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but how sad was it that I couldn't.

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Stop the friendship when

it was hurtful to me.

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It only end it when it was hurtful

to someone that I cared about.

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Speaker 3: Well, that I, I, that

was not lost on me when you told, I

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heard I, I, I heard that and I was

gonna call you on it, and then we

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got on, you know, off onto something

else, but, but it did hurt my heart.

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And a lot of us', like, you know,

some of my clients will set a boundary

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if it's for their child, you know?

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Yeah.

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But they won't do it for themselves.

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And yeah.

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The deal is that you've gotta

do it for yourself first.

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Above all, above everyone,

every, everyone else.

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You, if you don't protect you,

no one's gonna protect you.

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Yes.

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And there's boundary offenders out there.

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By the zillion and they can, they

can sense a person who's a nice guy

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and doesn't have good boundaries, and

they will come in and try to use or

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take advantage of you or whatever.

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Speaker 2: Well, and Dr.

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Becky, I think that I can create

monsters because I mean, my poor

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husband, now that I'm starting to

have boundaries, he's just like.

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He's doing really well, but I

think it's very uncomfortable, you

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know, because this is different.

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This is not who he's been married

to for all these years now.

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Yeah.

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I'm very thankful that he is learning

and growing and understanding because I'm

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like, I don't wanna ever be sick again.

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Right.

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And I think this is a big part of it

is learning how to take care of myself.

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I love that you said that.

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Do it for yourself first.

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How many times do, do we have to say that?

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That's one of those neurolinguistic

programming things I need to stick

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in my head at night and just say.

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Take care of yourself first, and then

you will be able to care for others.

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So, so important.

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Speaker 3: One of the most obvious

symptoms of codependence and

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childhood developmental trauma is

that you don't protect yourself.

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You don't have appropriate boundaries.

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So when you go into recovery from those

things, you have to start practicing.

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Setting boundaries with people

and you, and you have to notice

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what's going on in your body.

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Your body will warn your soul is sitting

there on your shoulder all the time.

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Yep.

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And it sees people coming at you

and, and trying to take advantage of

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you and a abusing you or, or being

inappropriate with you or whatever.

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And your soul is going, do something.

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Do something and stop.

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And so you've gotta be listening to your

body as it tells you and warns you that

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you need to set a boundary and then do

it, and it will reward you with relief.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it Well, and what

I have to say, you can say that

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sitting from where you are now, for

me, it's a little uncomfortable.

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It's uncomfortable, Dr.

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Becky, I can't lie

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Speaker 3: that you still

have, you've got to, yes.

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You've gotta believe that

your inner peace is Yes.

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Important than someone else's.

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Speaker 2: Yes.

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And

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Speaker 3: that, and so I just

want listeners, you're the only

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one that's gonna manage your

peace and your environment.

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Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

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Speaker 3: And, and, and other adults are

responsible to do that for themselves.

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Right.

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So, so you have to value your

inner peace over anything else.

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And you fight for that like a warrior.

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And to do that, you

have to keep people out.

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Who would do you harm?

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And you have to set the boundaries.

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Yep.

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And you, and it doesn't

mean being a witch.

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It may, it, it, you do it with diplomacy.

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Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

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Speaker 3: And softness and kindness.

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Unless they can't take a hint and then if

they can't a hint, you have to be nasty.

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Speaker 2: Right, right.

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And I am like even talking about

it inside families, with your adult

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children, with your, they don't know

that I need to get a workout in.

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They just think I can't,

you know what I mean?

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Unless I tell them, you know, they think,

well, grandma's probably free this day

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to watch the kiddos, or whatever it is.

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Speaker 4: Nice.

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Speaker 2: So it's up to me.

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To say what I need.

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So I I love that you're saying that.

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And Dr.

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Becky, what I, it's funny 'cause I

wrote down, I want it, and this is

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coming early, but I want it to at the

end and you'll have more tools, but

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to kind of tell people what can you do

now if you have issues with boundaries?

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And my advice was to notice it because.

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I think that I just always ignored the

little soul on my shoulder telling me

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this doesn't feel right, and now I'm

aware of it in other relationships,

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sister-in-laws, you know, whatever.

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Whatever it is where, or you know,

brother-in-laws or family members where

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you didn't realize you were doing an

awful lot and then when you stopped,

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they kinda stopped talking to you.

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Speaker 3: Well, that's when

you realize you're, you're in a

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one sided relationship, right?

325

Well,

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Speaker 2: yeah.

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It still feels weird.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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You know, um, in relationship with

people, we have to tell 'em what's

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going on with us and what we need and,

and you know, even as a grandmom and

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a mom like you are, and I am, uh, you

know, you, you, you have a right to

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tell your children that my schedule,

my self-care, my interests come first.

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And if, and if I have time.

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I would love to help you with the

children if, if that's in fact how

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you feel like no one's obligated to

take care of their grandchildren.

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Yeah.

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But if you really love and want

to, then you can, which I do.

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You can tell them, you know,

like, I'm willing to do it.

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It just has to fit into my schedule

so that they know that you might

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say, no, I'm doing something else.

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Like they don't take you for granted

or assume that you're gonna do Yes.

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Speaker 2: I have another story

that this reminded me of, and it

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was how I lived my whole life.

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This, I met a woman.

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I was working with Bob Goff on my book,

which is super exciting, and there was

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another author working with them and

she told the story about, she's written

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lots, published lots of books, and she

was telling the story of how, when she

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was young, and I think she wrote her

first book, it was like she had three

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kids and she made it like, I can't,

they shouldn't even know I'm doing this.

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She was like, this should

not affect their lives.

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I'm going to be mom and I'm

gonna do this all on the side.

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And she said, then she worked so

hard and then all the books came and

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they were being like, you know, they

were being published and her husband

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came and he said to their little

ones, oh look it, mommy wrote a book.

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No, she didn't.

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No, she really did.

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Mommy didn't.

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Mommy didn't write it.

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'cause they didn't know.

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And then like he took them out of the

box and said, see, look, there's mommy.

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And they're like, that's not mommy.

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Because she was all like in lipstick.

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And it's like, why do we do that?

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Like why?

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And I know I was like that.

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I was like, I'll be an attorney as

long as it doesn't affect my children.

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You know what I mean?

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Or as long as they have their life

and I'm there to take care of them.

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That I can move forward.

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So I, that resonated with me.

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That story was like, Ooh,

I was a little like that.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think it's so

important, um, for us to role model

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to our children the importance

of our life as an individual

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away from being a wife and a mom.

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That, that we have things for ourselves

that we go and do, that we thrive,

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help us thrive and to be happy.

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And, and that, that's

just super important.

378

Um, it drives me crazy when I hear,

like on the news and say someone gets

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killed and they interview people that

knew him and they'll go, well, he was

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so selfless and whenever they use that

word, selfless, I just cr because no

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therapist wants a person to be selfless.

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We want everyone to value their

life, their happiness, create a

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life for themselves that makes them.

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It makes their heart sing.

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And you can't do that

when you're selfless.

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In fact, you need to put yourself above

all things because if you, you take

387

care of yourself so that you can have

a sparkle in your eye and a spring in

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your step, and then that trickles down

to everything else that you're doing.

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Right.

390

So self means deplete yourself,

give to others and neglect yourself.

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And that's a recipe for suffering,

depression, anxiety, and a bunch of

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Speaker 2: mental, not to mention, it's

funny that you're bringing this up 'cause

393

I had, um, someone on that had written

the book the Selfish Year, and it was

394

so enlightening because she shared.

395

That she spent a whole year and she

just said, I'm gonna be selfish.

396

I'm gonna do, and she ended up

having more of an impact, helping

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more people being more available

than she ever had in her life.

398

Isn't that interesting?

399

So if you really wanna serve and

use your calling, take care, feed

400

yourself, take care of yourself.

401

Speaker 3: Well, I forbid my

clients to use the word selfish

402

because I think that word is a

shaming word and it it insinuates

403

that you're doing something wrong.

404

Yes, it does, and, and I don't like it.

405

I, because it discourages self-care.

406

I'll be talking about one of my, to

one of my depleted clients who's barely

407

hanging on and they're always doing

for others, always doing for others.

408

And I'll go, let, let's get you to, you

know, start developing your individualism.

409

Individualism.

410

And you, you set up a

life that works for you.

411

Well, isn't that selfish?

412

You say I hear that.

413

Yeah.

414

And I'm like, ah,

415

Speaker 2: our

416

Speaker 3: culture.

417

I

418

Speaker 2: know,

419

Speaker 3: and I think too culture

that better to give than receive, but,

420

but you've got to give to yourself.

421

Like if you don't take care of

you, it's not gonna get done.

422

Speaker 2: I know I'm gonna get a little

preachy here because I think of that

423

with like my church background, you know?

424

So yes, it's better to give than to

receive, but when I really sit down

425

and I studied the Bible, I'm like,

okay, I really wanna know Jesus.

426

Like what did he do?

427

He went away by himself and rested.

428

He did.

429

I mean, that is an important piece.

430

That's one of the, the laws,

you know, to take a day of rest.

431

It's, it is taking care of

yourself and we miss that.

432

Or, or, I like the one too.

433

Love others as yourself.

434

I think I was loving others

way more than myself.

435

Speaker 3: That's a huge problem.

436

Yeah, that's a huge problem.

437

And I do pull that one out for

some of my spiritual clients.

438

Um, and, and I really don't think

there's any religion that that's asking

439

that that's truly based in love that's

asking that the people who adhere to it.

440

To suffer and sacrifice themselves.

441

And I think we can miss in this life.

442

Speaker 2: We, he, they, he wants

us to be joyful and I think that we

443

misunderstand that piece because Yeah, I,

I think that, yeah, especially when you.

444

Are a people pleaser and a rule follower.

445

You know what I mean?

446

Oh, you wanna be better.

447

And you think it's that,

448

Speaker 3: that commandment

honor thy father and thy mother.

449

That really messes with some

of my clients who need to set

450

boundaries with their biological.

451

Okay, so let's

452

Speaker 2: talk about, you know

what, I'm so glad you brought that up

453

because I was thinking too, you talked

a little bit, I'm gonna bounce back

454

a little bit, talking about parents.

455

You talked about trauma.

456

From childhood, and what I want to say

is whether it was a huge, big thing that

457

happened or something that maybe doesn't

look that big, but maybe you didn't

458

feel loved or maybe, you know what I

mean, maybe you had a big there, there's

459

something that can trigger that and it

doesn't mean that you were hit over the

460

head or beaten or, you know what I mean?

461

Neglected.

462

It can happen.

463

In pretty good circumstances too.

464

Am I right or am I wrong?

465

Speaker 3: Look, 99.9999%

466

of us have a ton.

467

Thousands of childhood trauma wounds.

468

The definition of what traumatizes

a child is anything that happened

469

that was less than nurturing.

470

Yeah, so I mean, the sky's the limit.

471

And so not only did our parents, you

know, fail in that area many times, um,

472

but you know, other o other people do.

473

And so part of the deal is, you know,

e even if your family is loving to

474

you all the time, and then when you

go to school and you start comparing

475

yourself to other kids, I'm not

as pretty, I'm not as fast, right.

476

Smart.

477

I can't spell as well.

478

You know, then you, then, then

that's traumatizing to a child.

479

Speaker 4: Yes.

480

I

481

Speaker 3: can get invited to

the birthday party, you know?

482

Yeah.

483

Um, I didn't have, I didn't have the

right kind of clothing in school and

484

I have clients that have tons of.

485

Childhood trauma because their

parents wouldn't buy 'em the

486

latest fashion for school.

487

And while that sounds egocentric,

that's really important, right.

488

To children, those kinds of things.

489

Yeah.

490

And when a parent is denying you

those things, it messes you up.

491

I'm sorry.

492

Yeah.

493

Yeah.

494

You know?

495

Speaker 2: Yeah.

496

And so I think that's why it

is important to understand.

497

That piece of your past and I am

all about understanding it, looking

498

at it, realizing it's not true and

moving forward in a healthy way.

499

So I interrupted you when you

were talking about parents.

500

'cause I wanted, I just wanted to add that

in because I think sometimes we can blow

501

off if we weren't beaten over the head.

502

We don't think we have this

trauma, but I, I think we do.

503

And I think my children do.

504

You know, I mean, I'm like, hey.

505

Get therapy, get help.

506

Sorry.

507

Just tell me what I did.

508

And they have, they've come to me and

said, well, you said this to me once, or

509

I dropped a brick on my foot and you were

on the phone and you didn't even care.

510

I was like, oh my God.

511

The same stuff myself.

512

So, but you were talking about boundaries

with parents when we looked biblical

513

biblically at honor thy father and mother.

514

And you say how that messes people up.

515

Let's talk about that.

516

Speaker 3: Well, it does, you

know, there's some, there's

517

recovery.

518

Who can take care of themself,

should be taking care of themselves.

519

But there's an awful lot of able-bodied

adults out there who use their

520

children as, uh, do this for me.

521

Do that for me.

522

Take care of me.

523

Um, and, and they burden their children

sometimes take away their children's

524

or at least attempt to take away their

children's weekends, evenings, you know,

525

like, um, or I need you to give me money.

526

Um, you owe me to give me money, you

know, out of your paycheck or whatever.

527

And, um, and a lot of my clients, you

know, just resent the heck outta it.

528

And yet they believe that the

Bible is telling 'em that they

529

can't do anything about it.

530

They just have to take.

531

The abuse or the expectations

of their parents, um, because

532

of what the Bible says.

533

And I'm like, no, no.

534

Right.

535

Like it depends on like, uh,

what you, you have to decide

536

what does honor thy parents mean?

537

You can still honor your parents

and say, no, I'm not gonna spend

538

every Saturday at your house.

539

Right.

540

I still honor you and tell you that

I can't afford to send you money.

541

Yeah.

542

You know?

543

And so I think that, you know, honoring

does not mean giving your life over to

544

someone, or what does honoring mean?

545

What does it mean?

546

It means a lot of different

things for, um, different people.

547

You know, it just depends.

548

Um, I mean, it, it, it honoring might

be like, I honor that you are, my mother

549

and I, you know, have a certain kind of

feeling and connection to you for that.

550

But when it.

551

Gets translated into

obligation and tasks, right?

552

You owe me.

553

Those are some of the things that my

client's parents have said to them.

554

You owe me, you know, I expect you to.

555

You will do this.

556

I will be moving into your house.

557

You know?

558

And then my clients are fretting

because they know that that will mess up

559

their family system in a negative way.

560

Yet they feel terribly guilty in saying

no because they think they have to

561

honor their parents and let them in.

562

Come what may, but that's not true.

563

You can, right.

564

And I, your mother and say, mom, I can't

have you move into my house and, and

565

up and bring upheaval into our family.

566

Like, I can't have it.

567

Speaker 2: Well, and I think

there's some of us that.

568

I mean, they love their parents and

they bring 'em in as a solution.

569

Speaker 3: Well, some want to,

570

Speaker 2: but other, yep.

571

And some are probably on the fence.

572

And it's just hard because

it's heartbreaking, you

573

know, it's just, it is tough.

574

Speaker 3: It's a very tough situation.

575

Um, you know, but I've got clients

who become estranged from their

576

parents because their parents

would not respect their boundaries.

577

And, you know, and they don't, and these

people, when it gets to that point,

578

usually they don't feel guilty about it.

579

Yeah.

580

They, they feel like

it's like a last resort.

581

They had to do it Right.

582

Because, you know, if it, if some parents

are narcissists, you know, and if you

583

set a boundary with a narcissist, they're

going to be nasty to you about that.

584

Yeah.

585

You know?

586

Speaker 2: Yeah.

587

I have, I've done that before with someone

I, I can not, not a family member, but,

588

and it's been, it was kind of recent.

589

It was very, very interesting

590

Speaker 3: to watch.

591

Speaker 2: Yeah.

592

Speaker 3: Some just go

scorched earth, you know, when

593

a appropriate boundary is set.

594

Speaker 2: Right.

595

Speaker 3: You know, and it's just,

you think like, my God, you know,

596

this is just, there's shameless.

597

Speaker 2: Well, and it was

interesting too, because

598

Speaker 3: there's an

entitlement piece to it.

599

You know?

600

I'm entitled yes.

601

Have this,

602

Speaker 2: it was a situation

where I clearly was being taken

603

advantage of and I kept throwing

out that this wasn't working.

604

You know, I need you to come

up with a different plan.

605

And then it had to just be like, I had

to just get down and dirty and say, you

606

gotta do this or pay this, you know?

607

And um, yeah, that was an interesting.

608

Interesting situation.

609

It, it, and that it is interesting and

you learn and you grow and sometimes

610

you don't know that about people

until you find out that way, you know?

611

Which is fine, which is fine.

612

Speaker 3: Just, you know, um, I'm

just telling everybody like, you know,

613

the, when you haven't set boundaries

in your life and people have.

614

Taking of you and whatnot, and you

finally decide you're going to do this.

615

I think the first time you do it,

the second time you do it, you

616

are going to feel a huge amount of

anxiety and yep, you'll be fretting.

617

Speaker 2: That's what I'm finding.

618

Speaker 3: I want you to

know that once you do it, you

619

will be rewarded with relief.

620

You'll be so thankful for having

released yourself from whatever it

621

was that was hanging in front of you.

622

You know, and, and that's positive reward.

623

For having done the difficult

thing and it gets easier over time.

624

Right.

625

Speaker 2: And what I wanna say

is just like building muscle.

626

I remember I was listening to someone

about building muscle and having a lot

627

of protein and they're like, it'll take

about nine months to see a difference.

628

I was like.

629

Speaker 4: Who's going to do

630

Speaker 2: that,

631

Speaker 4: you

632

Speaker 2: know?

633

But I, I mean, I've been doing it as

you know, I don't know if I see results

634

yet, and it's been over nine months.

635

But, um, just like that, I do

feel relief, but it's been.

636

Three years for the one friend.

637

It's been a long time.

638

It takes a while to feel that relief,

and I still have a hard time with it,

639

but what I did was I started noticing

it and then Becky, now it's Almo.

640

It's like kind of past time, but

we're gonna just give them some

641

tools I wanted to give you, I just

wrote down quickly before we got on

642

little things that help me if I need

to set a boundary where I just say.

643

Oh shoot.

644

That doesn't work for me right now.

645

That makes it easy for me

to have something in mind.

646

You know, that if someone asks me

to do something that I don't really

647

wanna do, then I can say that.

648

Or sometimes it's if I'm feeling like, oh.

649

A little like, oh, I don't know

if I'm gonna wanna do that.

650

I let me check my calendar before

I say yes so that it buys me a

651

little time to really think through.

652

And then sometimes just say,

I can't commit to that, but

653

thank you for thinking of me.

654

So I just like have these little.

655

Bullet,

656

Speaker 3: all, all pleasers, need

to have phrases in their back pocket.

657

Yeah.

658

To, to keep themselves

out of boundary trouble.

659

Yep.

660

Yep.

661

You know, like one of my favorites is

I have too much on my plate right now.

662

Um, and another one that I use

sometimes is I can't do that.

663

That wouldn't be healthy for me.

664

Speaker 2: Yes.

665

Now

666

Speaker 3: a lot I'll tell you.

667

Um.

668

When you say that one to people, there's

nobody that will touch that one after

669

you've said it, they're not gonna,

they're gonna immediately back off.

670

'cause no one's going to keep

going when you just told 'em that

671

that thing that they just asked

you to do would not be healthy.

672

For sure.

673

Speaker 2: Well, and Becky, what I

love is I personalize that because

674

it makes it a little easier for me.

675

And I kind of went, Ooh, I wish I could.

676

But that just wouldn't be

healthy for me right now.

677

And you can say it in that way,

like, I really do wish I could,

678

but I mean, what a great, nice way.

679

It's, I,

680

Speaker 3: I've been, I've probably

been alive longer than you and up to me.

681

I don't wanna leave any doubt.

682

So I'm not to say right now because

I know enough boundary offenders

683

who will call me next week.

684

Yes.

685

Well, is now

686

Speaker 2: a better time.

687

I think you're just better

versed in the boundaries.

688

So, okay.

689

And Becky, this is, this has been so

amazing and what I wanna say is we, in

690

this episode, we touched a little bit on

people pleasing and everybody can tell.

691

I am a huge people pleaser.

692

I am recovering.

693

So, no, I'm not a huge one

anymore, but in recovery right now.

694

So not healed all the way from that.

695

And so Dr.

696

Becky has agreed to come back in a

month or so, and we're gonna delve a

697

little bit deeper into people pleasing.

698

So Dr.

699

Becky, I think this has been so

helpful and just the tool that I wanna

700

leave listeners with are those little

sentences that we gave them and to

701

just beca start becoming aware of that.

702

Is there anything else

that you'd wanna add?

703

I just want to plant

704

Speaker 3: this once

again in everyone's head.

705

Don't give up your inner peace

so someone else can have it.

706

Speaker 2: Amen.

707

Speaker 3: Don't throw

yourself under the bus.

708

Speaker 2: Yep.

709

Speaker 3: And that's, and it's

so common for people to do it.

710

So I want you to, before you say yes or

no, or whatever, when someone's asking you

711

to do something that you, you know, like,

oh no, I wish they hadn't asked me that.

712

Just remember Becky's words, don't

throw yourself under the bus.

713

Speaker 2: And that's a, that's

a great place to leave this.

714

So listeners, if this episode encouraged

you, please share it with a friend

715

and come back, 'cause Becky, Dr.

716

Becky will be back with us soon.

717

Thanks so much for taking

the time to be here.

718

We love having you.

719

Thanks

720

Speaker 3: Liz.

721

I appreciate it.

722

Speaker 2: Take care.

723

Those.