Shownotes
The continuing bonds theory is the idea that grieving is a process of modifying our relationship with a person who has died rather than relinquishing or releasing the bond altogether. Join Blair and Alana while they talk about how they stay connected to those who have passed in their lives.
About the Hosts:
Blair Kaplan Venables is a British Columbia-based grief and resilience expert and coach, motivational speaker and the Founder of The Global Resilience Project. Her expertise has been featured on media platforms like Forbes, TEDx, CBC Radio, Entrepreneur, and Thrive Global. She is named the Top Grief and Resilience Expert of the Year 2024 by IAOTP. USA Today listed Blair as one of the top 10 conscious female leaders to watch and she empowers others to be resilient from stages around the world. 'MyStory,’ which is a television show available on Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV+ and Google Play, showcases Blair's life story. She is the host of the Radical Resilience podcast and specializes in helping people strengthen their resilience muscle using scientifically proven methods and guides grieving high performers with her Navigating Grief Framework. The Global Resilience Project’s award-winning book series are international bestsellers, and her fourth book, RESILIENT A.F.: Stories of Resilience Vol 2, will be published in January 2025. In her free time, you can find Blair writing, in nature, travelling the world and helping people to strengthen their resilience muscles.
Links:
https://theglobalresilienceproject.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/blairdkaplan
https://www.facebook.com/blair.kaplan
https://www.facebook.com/BlairKaplanCommunications
https://www.instagram.com/globalresiliencecommunity
https://www.instagram.com/blairfromblairland/
https://www.facebook.com/globalresiliencecommunity
https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-global-resilience-project
Alana Kaplan is a compassionate mental health professional based in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. She works in the mental health field, and is a co-host of the Resilient A.F. podcast. Fueled by advocacy, Alana is known for standing up and speaking out for others. Passionate about de-stigmatizing and normalizing mental health, Alana brings her experience to The Global Resilience Project’s team, navigating the role one’s mental health plays in telling their story.
Engaging in self-care and growth keeps her going, and her love for reading, travel, and personal relationships helps foster that. When she’s not working, Alana can often be found on walks, working on a crossword puzzle, or playing with any animal she sees.
⚠️ Content Note: Some episodes may contain themes that could be distressing. Please take care of yourself while listening, and don’t hesitate to seek support from a mental health professional if needed.
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Transcripts
It's the idea that the grieving is a process of modifying a
Speaker:relationship with a person who has died rather than releasing
Speaker:that bond altogether. So it's about holding on to the person who's no longer
Speaker:with us in the physical sense. And this can be through items,
Speaker:rituals, behaviors, things that we do. And Alana and I
Speaker:literally dove into this world, the continuing
Speaker:bond, like, right after mom died.
Speaker:Some stuff Alana and I have done together, some stuff we do separately. And I
Speaker:I just I think this can be a really beautiful conversation about
Speaker:how do we continue holding on to that relationship with mom and with dad
Speaker:and anyone else that has gone, you know,
Speaker:into, you know, while we still walk this earth. Welcome
Speaker:back to another episode of Resilient AF. It's me,
Speaker:Blair. Hi. And it's me, Alana.
Speaker:Oh, it's us. It's us. My outfit's a little ridiculous today. I'm,
Speaker:like, covered it on paint and bruises
Speaker:and cuts, and I blame it on Concerta.
Speaker:Blame it on hashtag Concerta. So
Speaker:I've been on, like, ADHD meds now for a month. And,
Speaker:like, the last I guess, like, not last weekend, but the couple weekends
Speaker:leading up to this weekend, like, I've I've had things
Speaker:to do, meaning, like, closing up our summer spot at the
Speaker:lake to winterize it, work, like, what getting
Speaker:ready for my TED Talk, but the last 2 weekends I've been at home. And,
Speaker:like, normally, this time of year, it's like I'm depressed, which I still am. And
Speaker:I, like, can't get off the couch. And what I realized is that Conserva
Speaker:has given me back the energy that ADHD has taken from me. And that, like,
Speaker:I'm no longer in this, like, functional freeze. I don't know what the term is.
Speaker:But last weekend, I, like,
Speaker:I aggressively cleaned, like, our little area. Like, we have a TV
Speaker:in the basement. I cleaned that entire area and, like, organized my, like,
Speaker:basement gym area and made the decision that I was gonna do some
Speaker:lipstick reno's. And then, like, yesterday, I went really hard. When I
Speaker:say really hard, I mean really hard. Like, 4 hours of, like,
Speaker:cleaning and painting and taping and priming and all the things not in that
Speaker:order. And, like, it's interesting because I've actually never
Speaker:really seen this version of me. Like, this energized version where
Speaker:I don't feel like all I can do is lie on the couch because I've
Speaker:been masking all week. And it's actually really
Speaker:refreshing, except for, like, I got really ambitious yesterday, and I was
Speaker:trying to paint an area. And I didn't do things in the right order because
Speaker:I'm chaotic. And, I went to, like, knee stand
Speaker:on my knees on a shelf, and the shelf gave out, and I fell, like,
Speaker:2 and a half feet and, like, really badly hurt myself and ended up going
Speaker:to the ER. I'm fine. I'm not broken, but who would have thought
Speaker:painting a bathroom in the basement to look less murdery and more zen would,
Speaker:land you in the ER. But it anyways, I was just thinking about, like, would
Speaker:I be doing this without concern? And I'm pretty sure the answer is, heck no.
Speaker:No. And it's interesting that you say, like, what ADHD took
Speaker:from you. And and that's an interesting way to frame it. I don't know if
Speaker:I would frame it that way. I think because I'm not you,
Speaker:and I witness the other parts of you where you
Speaker:are on and masking and whatnot. So I've I've I've seen
Speaker:this maybe not to this extent. No.
Speaker:Like, I never did this extent. No. But I I've definitely
Speaker:seen, like, you get passionate, but with that ADHD, like,
Speaker:burnout where it's like you get passionate and then
Speaker:you stop, or you get distracted with another passion Yeah. And then
Speaker:another passion. And so this is the first time I've
Speaker:seen you. I wanna say Focus? Yeah. Focused.
Speaker:Like but focused for because you you
Speaker:have been focused before, but this is, like, focused to the
Speaker:extreme, like, 10 hours of focus. I don't think I've ever seen that. Well,
Speaker:yeah. Like, I'm really good at the, like, masking hyperfocus when I have a
Speaker:deadline, but this is there's no deadline. I just want the bathroom to be, like,
Speaker:the more zen. But even so even so with your
Speaker:masking hyperfocus, it's like you would do it, and then you would take a break
Speaker:in watch housewives. And then you would do it, but this one, it's like, no.
Speaker:No. No. You went hard. You had only stopped because you had to
Speaker:waste your time. I stopped. No. I stopped because I fell through a
Speaker:shelf. Right. That. I fell through a shelf, and then my knees swelled up, and
Speaker:I thought I was gonna barf. And then you told me I should go to
Speaker:the ER, so I did. And I was gonna shout out that? Shout out
Speaker:to the Kamloops Hospital ER department. Saturday night on
Speaker:Halloween, I was expecting, I mean, this was evening, but it was a Saturday
Speaker:before Halloween. I was expecting to walk into people in costumes, and it'd be really
Speaker:like, basically be really busy. And I'm like, I was
Speaker:expecting, like, a 5, 6 hour wait. I was in and out in, like, an
Speaker:hour and a half, and that was with, you know, triage, X rays,
Speaker:seeing the doctor. Like, the doctor yeah. Anyways, he's just like, it's very badly bruised.
Speaker:Like, you need to stay off of it. Well, the reason why I encouraged
Speaker:Blair to go to the ER is because she wanted to show
Speaker:me what she had accomplished on FaceTime,
Speaker:and she couldn't walk down the stairs or up. She had to use her
Speaker:bum to get up. Yeah. Anyways, I went to the doctor. I'm glad I did.
Speaker:No one was in costumes, which was very disappointing, but they just opened a new
Speaker:ER department, and I think it's been, like, a couple days. So it felt really
Speaker:clean and fresh. And so shout out to to the
Speaker:doctors in Kamloops hospital and the ER department. I got paint in my
Speaker:hair. Look at that. And, the other thing I wanna say is
Speaker:about the Concerta. And I'm trying to do this on my own because if I
Speaker:can do this a little lipstick reno on my own, meaning, like, I'm not renovating
Speaker:extreme. I'm, like, painting and making it, like, not from the eighties and
Speaker:more zen and more comfortable for me to have, like, relaxing
Speaker:baths. If I can do this, then I can do other renovations in the
Speaker:house, and we've lots to do. And I can't finish all the reno's, but I'm
Speaker:learning. And so I thought, like, the bass the basement bathroom, like,
Speaker:it's our 3rd bathroom, could be a good practice one. But Shane is
Speaker:now helping me because Kyle lied. And Kyle, the manager at the Home
Speaker:Depot, helped me pick out the floors, and he told
Speaker:me the ones I got were really easy to use and really easy to cut
Speaker:to the right size. But there's
Speaker:Shane's struggling and I maybe the knife isn't sharp enough. I don't know. But he
Speaker:he I guess, he wanted to he wanted to get me
Speaker:started to make sure and to show me how to do it properly. Wouldn't
Speaker:be mad if I, you know, all of a sudden it was done. But,
Speaker:I'm learning that some things I like to do, like painting, and that I'm very
Speaker:messy at it. And some things are harder, like well, I haven't tried
Speaker:doing this yet, but Kyle lied. How's it been going with
Speaker:you? Good. The
Speaker:what have I been up to? Not any lipstick, Renaud. So I could tell you
Speaker:that. No. You've been doing glit the the Yeah. The
Speaker:diamond painting. I got back into it. I had a I had a phase earlier
Speaker:this year, and I'm back into it. So I've made I think it's brought
Speaker:you lots of joy. Well, what I love
Speaker:about it is so what diamond painting is, for those who don't know,
Speaker:it's essentially like you it's like this, like, repetitive thing.
Speaker:It's like paint by numbers, but instead of paint, it's these colored
Speaker:gems. And so I've made some bookmarks and coasters.
Speaker:And what I love about this is
Speaker:helps helps me really focus on audiobooks, and I love audiobooks.
Speaker:And so I've been
Speaker:powering through some right now, which has been
Speaker:good for my mood because, yeah,
Speaker:I've just needed a little bit of a mood booster more recently,
Speaker:and it's helped, and it's fun. And so
Speaker:that's I mean, no falling through shelves this weekend,
Speaker:just Pilates and and diamond painting,
Speaker:which is fantastic. And I watched
Speaker:countless hours of TV, which is what I needed.
Speaker:Yeah. You know, the decompression, well, when you,
Speaker:like, work the work you do in palliative and hospice and, like, holding space
Speaker:and the I don't actually know your day to day because we have to still
Speaker:talk about that. And I think this is a good space to
Speaker:do that, maybe another episode. But, you know, the ways that you decompress are always
Speaker:changing. But if your body's, like, just lie on the couch and watch some TV
Speaker:and do some diamond painting or listen to a book, like, do it. I mean,
Speaker:I think that rest rest is when we're doing the real work. You know, we
Speaker:need rest. And it's so interesting, because, like, I am that
Speaker:person who likes to do that. But it's, like, I can't I can't sit it's,
Speaker:like, all of a sudden, I'm rearranging my office. Like, today, in between the paints
Speaker:drying, I paint layer paint drying, and I
Speaker:had coffee with a friend, and then I vacuumed my car. And I
Speaker:organized clothes I wanna sell and donate. And I'm, like, who
Speaker:is this person? Where has she been? And, like but to me, it's,
Speaker:like, I I realized resting was like I was in
Speaker:buffer mode. Yeah. You know, buffering. But
Speaker:sometimes, like, what you did was yeah. At, like, the wheel of death.
Speaker:Yeah. But, like, sometimes, you know, you just feel like, okay. I need to catch
Speaker:up on, like, all The Grey's Anatomy, And, like, that's
Speaker:cool too. But I love that. And so today,
Speaker:I was inspired about this topic through, doctor Claire Bidwell
Speaker:Smith. I'm in a grief and loss training program. By the time this episode comes
Speaker:out, I will be certified in this program in grief and
Speaker:loss. But, we we talked about something that I didn't know there was a term
Speaker:for it, but very relatable. And it's called the continuing bonds theory.
Speaker:Alana, do you want me to explain what it is? Please do. It's
Speaker:the idea that the grieving is a process of modifying a
Speaker:relationship with a person who has died rather than
Speaker:releasing that bond altogether. So it's about holding on to the person who's no
Speaker:longer with us in the physical sense, and this can be through items,
Speaker:rituals, behaviors, things that we do. And Alana and I
Speaker:literally dove into this world, the continuing
Speaker:bond, like, right after mom died.
Speaker:Some stuff Alana and I have done together, some stuff we do separately. And I
Speaker:I just I think this can be a really beautiful conversation about
Speaker:how do we continue holding on to that relationship with mom and with dad and
Speaker:anyone else that has gone, you know,
Speaker:into, you know, while we still walk this earth.
Speaker:Mhmm. And, yeah, I would say it's something even though
Speaker:we didn't know this term until very recently. It is
Speaker:something we have been doing since day 1, and
Speaker:day 1 being February 23,
Speaker:2021. And I took some
Speaker:notes before this just because I was thinking of the different ways
Speaker:that I hold on to these relationships. And, for me,
Speaker:it's easier to think of things with our
Speaker:mom rather than our dad just in the nature of our
Speaker:relationship. And
Speaker:it even makes me think so I'm gonna go on a little bit of a
Speaker:tangent before we go into this topic more. Blair had sent
Speaker:me this podcast episode earlier this week,
Speaker:that Brene Brown released with her sisters, and they were
Speaker:talking about the grief with their mom and the different ways
Speaker:they experienced grief as their mom had, I believe, dementia or
Speaker:Alzheimer's. But there was this
Speaker:one, conversation that made me think of
Speaker:me and Blair and our relationship together when it came to,
Speaker:sentiment being sentimental because I would say
Speaker:I'm I'm very sentimental and nostalgic
Speaker:when it comes to our mom.
Speaker:And Blair, maybe, I would
Speaker:say is more practical
Speaker:and, in relation
Speaker:to our mom. And what what this, like, initially made me think
Speaker:about when I think of the continued bonds is our childhood
Speaker:home. So I didn't
Speaker:really wanna sell the house, and I didn't even wanna have that
Speaker:conversation, like, after mom died. But then when we decided we would
Speaker:have to and we would have to clean up the house together
Speaker:Clean up, like, as in pack up and clean it out. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker:We arranged to be in Winnipeg at the same time.
Speaker:But then I had this, like, moment of, like, oh, but I'm not
Speaker:ready yet. So I actually flew back to Winnipeg
Speaker:because I was living in Toronto at the time to the house
Speaker:for I think it was 2 weeks ahead of Blair. Did you? Just
Speaker:yeah. I don't even remember. Yeah. Just so I like, and I was
Speaker:working technically.
Speaker:But I did that so I could look at
Speaker:every little piece of paper and picture and decide what to
Speaker:do with it because I knew as soon as Blair came in, she
Speaker:would be like a tornado and be like, alright. What are we
Speaker:throwing out? What are we doing? What are we doing? Like, come on. We gotta
Speaker:go. We gotta go. We gotta move. And so I I was just thinking about
Speaker:that podcast and and Brene Brown being the nonsentimental one
Speaker:and her sisters being the more sentimental. And and Brene Brown is the
Speaker:older one. So it it checks out because Blair is the older one
Speaker:and has a different relationship with mom than I did. So
Speaker:Well and that house signified a lot. Right? Like Mhmm. You know, mom mom
Speaker:and dad split, and and we were living in a rental townhouse. And then
Speaker:mom in her early thirties got, you know,
Speaker:got to a point where she could afford to buy a house. And that house
Speaker:signified freedom for me, you, and her, and, like, a really established
Speaker:a sense of, like, independence. And you and I both had very different
Speaker:experiences growing up. We're very different people, and that's not for this episode,
Speaker:but could be a very good episode talking about that. But,
Speaker:for me, obviously, the trauma was there losing mom,
Speaker:and I was sitting with her for her last week and seeing her in her
Speaker:bedroom. And, like, I just wanted to to get that house out of my life
Speaker:by then because I watched her die in it. And,
Speaker:like, I I'll never forget, like, when we were leaving, we got a picture of
Speaker:us in front of Waterloo. And one of my friends, Pam, is an architect,
Speaker:and she actually drew out a picture of Waterloo for me and for
Speaker:Alana and put it in a frame. Mhmm. And it's really beautiful to have
Speaker:that memory and, you know, I think, like, that's enough
Speaker:for me. And I'm you know, there's a time and a place
Speaker:to go down memory lane for the good stuff and the bad stuff. And, you
Speaker:know, that house was full of treasures.
Speaker:Full of treasures. Treasures and trauma. You know? Treasures and
Speaker:trauma. We talk big t, little t, and other
Speaker:t's. Yeah. But yeah. That so how do you hold on
Speaker:to waterloo? Well,
Speaker:I have that that picture that Blair was talking about
Speaker:in my living space. And so I I see it every
Speaker:morning. But in if I think of, like, the continued
Speaker:bonds theory, like, obviously, that house is
Speaker:no longer our house. I actually went in, and the new owner gave me a
Speaker:tour recently. And Had a pile of bills that will not get
Speaker:paid. Yeah. A pile of
Speaker:mail. That's the reason I went and then she gave me a tour. But and
Speaker:I started opening up bills for like 2020
Speaker:22. It's like, okay, she's dead.
Speaker:But I think more of what's what was in the house
Speaker:because, like, a house is a house. There's that song like a house is
Speaker:not a home or a home, whatever. And so I think
Speaker:of certain memories of my relationship
Speaker:to mom within that house. And the first thing I
Speaker:think of is mugs. And, actually, I was FaceTiming Blair this
Speaker:morning using one of those mugs. So it was a
Speaker:it's a branded So our mom was dental hygienist, and so
Speaker:often, sale reps would go into her
Speaker:work. And there was a gum like g
Speaker:branded mug that I used when I lived
Speaker:on Waterloo, but also anytime I came home to visit, that was like my
Speaker:coffee mug. It's like I would drink it, rinse it out, and use it for
Speaker:my whole visit. And so whenever I drink
Speaker:from it, I think of of mom. That's a pretty
Speaker:tangible tangible one. And then,
Speaker:I mean, obviously, I have plant Sharon. Oh, yes. Plant
Speaker:Sharon. The plant that would never die that Rhonda revived.
Speaker:Yeah. It's probably older than Blair and I. This plant is old. Like,
Speaker:basically dead and, like, we sort of started watering it after mom died and
Speaker:it came back to life and we left it with a friend. Mhmm. And she
Speaker:came to life and we named her plant Sharon after our mom. So
Speaker:Rhonda fostered plant Sharon, and now I have plant Sharon right
Speaker:next to me. You can't see you can't see her, but she's
Speaker:thriving. So there's things like that that are, like, again, like,
Speaker:the tangible tangible things. But then there's the, like, not so
Speaker:tangible, like, music or certain
Speaker:smells, that I hold on to. Like
Speaker:sneeze? Sneeze, but also, like, some summer
Speaker:sweat. Summer sweat and sneeze.
Speaker:Take me right back. And just like,
Speaker:like those types of like, it's like when I get a whiff of myself in
Speaker:this summer, I'm like, oh, I smell like your mom.
Speaker:That's good. Yeah. So those are, like, some things at the top of
Speaker:my head, like music and TV and whatnot. Like, basically, I can find
Speaker:anything and real make it relate to mom. And with dad
Speaker:Wait. Hold on. You didn't talk about the most important thing. Oh, the tattoo.
Speaker:So, like, literally, mom died in the height of COVID and, like, I mean, it
Speaker:just happened so fast. Immediately, we're like, let's get her signature because her
Speaker:handwriting's super pretty. Is your arm available to show?
Speaker:Yeah. So, like, we so, basically, we found her passport, lifted up
Speaker:the logo, and, like, got a tattoo artist to I don't know if it was
Speaker:illegal because I don't know what the rules are at that point for COVID, but
Speaker:she agreed to tattoo my mom our mom's signature on our, right
Speaker:wrists. And, like, I love it because, like, when I'm writing, I see it. When
Speaker:I'm I I like, it's it's very visible, and it feels like she's always with
Speaker:us. Yeah. It feels like she's beautiful. Yeah. And it was
Speaker:very impulsive for me because I this is my only
Speaker:tattoo I have at this point. And it was
Speaker:3 days after the funeral, I think. I think it was
Speaker:February 20th. Yeah. It was very, very soon.
Speaker:Like, mom was not even cold yet. We got her tattoo.
Speaker:But yeah. So this is, like, a beautiful one because I look at it every
Speaker:day, and I it's a nice reminder of just,
Speaker:like, mom's always with us. And then, like, for dad, it's
Speaker:just, like, more silly silly things, like Salisbury
Speaker:House, like, the restaurant in Winnipeg.
Speaker:Just, I this I just think of his, like,
Speaker:last week watching the Super Bowl halftime show. Doctor Dre.
Speaker:Doctor Dre. Like, I have, like, different types of memories.
Speaker:And again, just, like, different relationship. And
Speaker:so I I but there's, like, certain things. And, and actually a lot of my
Speaker:new job, like, just what I've been learning in my job actually brings me
Speaker:back to dad, not in a triggering way by any means.
Speaker:Just, like, helps me understand because he was in palliative for
Speaker:so long that it's like now I can understand all the
Speaker:things that he he went through in a different way. Those are just some. I
Speaker:mean, I could go all day, but Yeah. I won't. Yeah. That was
Speaker:really beautiful, Lana. I love it. Thanks. That's good. That's
Speaker:good for that. Sweat. So beautiful. Oh my god. I love it. So I'm I
Speaker:don't I don't think of mum when I smell my own sweat,
Speaker:but only when I smells when I do smell sneeze.
Speaker:But, a couple other ways I wanna throw in that, like, I like, because what
Speaker:you basically, there's certain things, like, I still I have some mugs from mom
Speaker:and certain things, so it's very similar. Mhmm. But, also,
Speaker:there's a rose bush called the rose of Sharon that actually isn't a rose bush.
Speaker:It's called rose of Sharon. But, I have that at my house, and we planted
Speaker:it when we moved in. And it's really beautiful, and, like, I got to watch
Speaker:it flower, which I really loved. And knowing it's, like, right under my
Speaker:office window is really special. And, yeah,
Speaker:just other things. Like, I we never really
Speaker:had to pay for, like, toothbrushes or floss, and you might still not have to
Speaker:because you live in Winnipeg where mom's office is. But, like, you can always get
Speaker:me to yeah. Every time I run out of floss or, like, I have to
Speaker:go buy floss or tooth toothbrush, toothpaste, it's it's funny because, like, it
Speaker:really makes me miss mom, but it's also, like, I am doing dental care. Like,
Speaker:she will be so proud. Ah. With
Speaker:dad, towards the end,
Speaker:he thought he was at work. Like, he was living in palliative. He
Speaker:had a computer set up, and he was convinced that, like, he was, like, working
Speaker:a day at the office. And, you know, he had I remember he
Speaker:had a list. Alana saw it on, you know, his whiteboard of, like, what he
Speaker:need to buy, like, Gitch socks, like, I don't know, underwear, which is Gitch.
Speaker:And any anyways, so when I when I got to Winnipeg and he was,
Speaker:like, on his way out, he really like, he was just so convinced
Speaker:that he needed some new socks, new sweatpants,
Speaker:new hoodie, like, a bunch of stuff. So I went and got him. Like, I
Speaker:went to Joe Fresh for you out there in America. It's like a
Speaker:Target. Like, I went to Joe I went to Superstore, got some I got some
Speaker:Joe Fresh socks, and I got a zip up gray hoodie. And I can't
Speaker:remember what else I got, but we had to give them to the hospital to
Speaker:label with his name. And we didn't get it back,
Speaker:like, after he died or, like, the day like, it was already too late. Like
Speaker:and so my dad never wore the hoodie, but I took it
Speaker:home with me. So I wear it all the time. And, like, I put it
Speaker:on to go to the gym, and I love it because it has, like, the
Speaker:tag, like, with his, like, name and the room he was in.
Speaker:And, also, I have a pair of a sweatpants. I don't wear them anymore. I
Speaker:did in the beginning, but then I realized, like, I don't know if I wanna
Speaker:wear his sweatpants. I have no idea what went on in there.
Speaker:But I have them, and, like, if I'm really griefy for him, like,
Speaker:I wear I wear the hoodie. But, also, he did not have many
Speaker:belongings, and we actually found some stuff that belonged to him when we were packing
Speaker:mom's house. And I have 2 items that mean a lot
Speaker:to me that sit with me in my office. And when I
Speaker:travel for work, I like to bring one of them with
Speaker:me. So I have a we have a jeweler I have a jewelry loop, which
Speaker:is like a little magnifying glass. He was a gemologist. And that just sits with
Speaker:me in my office. And the other thing is a money clip. It's like a
Speaker:gold monogrammed money clip with l I k, Leonard Ian
Speaker:Kaplan. And I just found it just so interesting
Speaker:because money was always such a, like
Speaker:he didn't have any, but he had a lot and developed an addiction, and then
Speaker:he had none. And all, like, the a lot of tension was around money
Speaker:in, you know, our family and him not paying child support or mom
Speaker:having to fight with him for money or, like, him not having any money. And
Speaker:it's just so interesting that one of the things that one of the very few
Speaker:things that was left behind in this earth that were his was a money
Speaker:clip. And so I like to have it with me just to remind me about
Speaker:the journey that we've been on. And, also, it feels like having a part of
Speaker:the successful version of him because my brain is a lot like his, and
Speaker:he was a very brilliant man, entrepreneur. And, you
Speaker:know, unfortunately, drugs took him down and up
Speaker:really high. Up. Up. Up. Literally
Speaker:to the sky. Yeah. Like, when I travel, like, especially if I'm going to the
Speaker:US and taking cash, which don't take cash to the US. No one takes
Speaker:cash. But, yeah, it's nice to have that. But, yeah,
Speaker:songs as well. Like, I actually just recently changed my ringtone to a Doctor.
Speaker:Dre song. I didn't know you could still
Speaker:change ringtones to songs. It for, 99¢.
Speaker:You buy them? Yeah. That's so
Speaker:2,005. Yeah. I mean, I I wanted, like
Speaker:anyways, that's me singing. So so,
Speaker:you know, and then, like, then there's things that we've done to create rituals. Right?
Speaker:Like, I you know, what the first couple years, we were just
Speaker:trying to survive. Mhmm. But our mom's birthday is January
Speaker:17th. And I really liked what we did for her last
Speaker:birthday, and we each got a dessert, and we put a candle in it, and
Speaker:we FaceTimed, and we sang happy birthday to her. And I thought that was really,
Speaker:like, a really beautiful way to honor her earth birth. Yeah.
Speaker:And I I think I typically will order either Greek food, because
Speaker:she loved Greek food or Santa Lucia, which was a restaurant her
Speaker:near her work. They would always get it for her and and
Speaker:Ginny's cake, this, like, Winnipeg cake.
Speaker:And so I usually do that around her birthday too, which is
Speaker:which is, like, a nice honoring because I'm sure she's
Speaker:having Ginny's cake wherever she is. And it's moist.
Speaker:And it's moist, and the cookie is fresh. And she's not gonna go
Speaker:home and barf. That's what happened to me on my yeah.
Speaker:And, and then, you know, like,
Speaker:I think we didn't we don't really do much for dad's birthday. And I
Speaker:don't know if we will this year, but I don't know. I don't I think
Speaker:the way we honor mom is really beautiful, and also the way we
Speaker:honor the day they left this earth. You know, we have something called grief
Speaker:week. If you're new to here, we we'll give you a little rundown. If not,
Speaker:like, grief week. It's a beautiful way to honor our parents. They died,
Speaker:in the same week, but a year apart. February 18th, our father
Speaker:left, died. Her mom died February 23rd.
Speaker:And so Alana and I live in different parts of Canada, and February is usually
Speaker:the coldest month. And so we made the decision, we're gonna be
Speaker:warm and sad together instead of alone, cold, and sad.
Speaker:And, we're going into our 3rd official grief week this
Speaker:year. It's in February, obviously. We're not in February yet.
Speaker:And we always we we're kinda trying to see what's right for us, and I
Speaker:think it's gonna always maybe evolve and change depending on where we are at in
Speaker:life and what we need. But, this year, we're gonna be going to Palm
Speaker:Springs, which was one of the last it was the last family vacation we all
Speaker:had together. And it's great because some of our mom's friends are there and family
Speaker:and, like, it's we're at a point where, like, a lot of our friends and
Speaker:our friends' kids are there. So it's it's nice, especially because I don't see
Speaker:these people because I live in a different part of Canada than our mom's friends
Speaker:and whatnot, but we both love Palm Springs. And so Mhmm.
Speaker:I think, you know, yes, we're we're there while they
Speaker:died, you know, but it it's a really beautiful time
Speaker:to reflect about all the things that we loved about them. Like, this one restaurant
Speaker:that's, like, a cruise ship on land and, like, they have, like, a cruise ship.
Speaker:I forgot about that. And I'm excited to go there, but, yeah, like, our very
Speaker:last time there with mom, like, me and her had a very big blowout.
Speaker:And it was all about a It's because mom's friend texted
Speaker:notification. It's because mom mom it's like
Speaker:mom's friend, like, texted her, and she was getting her text on her Fitbit. And
Speaker:she just, like, all of a sudden, like, while being present with Milana, like, would
Speaker:disconnect and, like, go to her phone. I'm like, you can wait. Because, like,
Speaker:her anxiety, like, she would have to respond to messages right away.
Speaker:Yeah. Where I get mine from. And, yeah, she didn't
Speaker:like that I asked her to not do that, and it became a fight. That's
Speaker:fine. And I was in the middle of it. We only fought like that when
Speaker:you were around. We never had blowouts
Speaker:unless you were there. Well, I just It's okay. We set up you know,
Speaker:that's why the the boundary was there where, like, if we went on vacation together,
Speaker:I would not share a room with the both of you, only one of you.
Speaker:Yeah. Oh, man. Life. That's
Speaker:so funny. But yeah. And I think it's also kinda fun to think about,
Speaker:like, some of the things that like, the shenanigans. Like, we were literally in this
Speaker:middle of this restaurant for, like, a senior special dinner and, like It was, like,
Speaker:4:30 PM. Yeah. We had this this fight.
Speaker:That is just so silly. Anyways so, like, when we go to Palm Springs, there's
Speaker:a really good chance that we're gonna go back to this restaurant because,
Speaker:like, it just reminds us of mom.
Speaker:Of of mom. Yeah. And, like,
Speaker:Yeah. It's just, like That was the best Airbnb experience we had there
Speaker:staying in 20 1 month. Good family trip. That was a great
Speaker:family trip. And mom was like, I wanna come do this every year, and then
Speaker:the pandemic happened, and then she died.
Speaker:She wouldn't have made it to the next year trip even if there wasn't a
Speaker:pandemic because she died. Yeah. But it was a great it was a
Speaker:great trip. So, anyways yeah. So we
Speaker:I mean, I think, like, there's lots of other ways, you know, some of the
Speaker:other ways just to kind of wrap things up. When mom passed
Speaker:away, she let us know where all the jewelry was that she inherited from her
Speaker:grandma and from her mom and her stuff. And so Alana and I took
Speaker:it, and since it was, you know,
Speaker:heirloom and vintage, we actually melted down the gold and took diamonds,
Speaker:and we remade jewelry with it. We have matching rings. And
Speaker:I really love it because it's like we have something that we each
Speaker:have that's part of mom and part of baba. And, you
Speaker:know, I think it's really awesome that we have that. So jewelry is a
Speaker:really great way, like, you know, wearing jewelry of those who are gone from us.
Speaker:I know a lot of people, like, wear wedding bands, like, of like, their parents
Speaker:or earrings that, you know, once was their mother's. Like, we have this one necklace.
Speaker:I have this one necklace that I found one day when I was, like, a
Speaker:kid, and it was mom's that she never wore. And she, like, bought it in
Speaker:Israel, and I bought I was wearing it. And then one day, she's like, I
Speaker:want it back. And then she wouldn't she, like, wore it all the time.
Speaker:So when she died, I I now have it, but it's, like, kind of more
Speaker:under my alter on display because, like, I don't want anything to happen to it.
Speaker:But jewelry is the 2 balls. Yeah.
Speaker:So, yeah, wearing clothes, wearing their jewelry, you know, that's another great way. Do
Speaker:you have anything else you wanna add? Pictures.
Speaker:Is Like, pictures, eating the food that she liked to
Speaker:eat. Oh, animals, birds, like butterflies. When I
Speaker:sometimes butterflies come around, and I feel like like
Speaker:they're being sent from our parents, but not just butterflies,
Speaker:eagles. I see a lot of eagles, and it's always when I need
Speaker:to see them. Are we thinking about something specific or at looking for answers? And
Speaker:so I'm very grateful where I live. There's lots of wildlife,
Speaker:but eagles and birds. Interestingly,
Speaker:just a quick little anecdote as we wrap up, but bringing it
Speaker:back to the whole bill conversation we brought up, I
Speaker:guess, somewhere in the house, there
Speaker:was, like, something, but it was
Speaker:like a note of mom. It was in this thing of, like, mom's writing,
Speaker:like, numbers down. Like, I don't know where it was.
Speaker:Maybe in the island because I I know she still has the island, but it
Speaker:moved it to somewhere else. But I don't know
Speaker:where she found it, but it was, like, my mom doing math
Speaker:on a on, like, a real estate notepad sheet. You know? That's kind
Speaker:of I I love that. I love that. That's amazing. You know, it's so
Speaker:interesting. Actually, that's actually the perfect, like,
Speaker:launch into the final thing I wanna talk about today. So
Speaker:having some having a note from your parents or grandparents or someone that passed
Speaker:away tattooed on you is a really beautiful way to honor them. And, you know,
Speaker:Alana and I obviously have our mother's signature, but I also
Speaker:got a message that I found on the back of a photo. And
Speaker:the photo I'm winning an award in grade 5 for being a nice person, a
Speaker:mench. And my mom was there and watched me win this award. And that's a
Speaker:big deal because I wasn't I don't win awards, and I didn't win
Speaker:awards. And she never took time off work. So she took time to come
Speaker:and watch me win this award. And the picture is hilarious. I look super
Speaker:dorky and, like, in grade 5. And, anyways,
Speaker:I found this photo in the spring, and I FaceTimed Elena. And I
Speaker:wanted to show her it, and I showed it to her. And I turned it
Speaker:around. And on the back of the photo was a message that she wrote almost
Speaker:30 years ago. And the message was in her writing, and it said, proud of
Speaker:you. And I immediately cried, and I was, like, this is amazing. I felt her,
Speaker:and I was, like, I'm gonna get it tattooed on my leg. And so I
Speaker:got a tattooed on my leg because I was doing a hike, but, really, I
Speaker:just need this message every day. That's really beautiful. And
Speaker:every time I make a post on social media about it, people immediately share their
Speaker:tattoos and the stories behind it. And so Alana and I decided
Speaker:our next book well, we're gonna be working on 2 books at the same time.
Speaker:So resilient AF stories of resilience volume 2 comes out in January
Speaker:2025. But right now, we're accepting submissions for
Speaker:resilient AF stories of resilience volume 3, but
Speaker:also our new concept book, resilient AF
Speaker:skin deep stories. We wanna
Speaker:see we wanna showcase and see your tattoos
Speaker:of resilience, your tattoo and the story behind
Speaker:it. Because when we go through something
Speaker:and we get something tattooed on us, there's usually a really beautiful story full of
Speaker:lessons on there. And I know that, like, I love talking about my tattoos,
Speaker:and a lot of people do too. So if you're interested in being in
Speaker:either of these, if you don't have a tattoo with a story, that's completely fine.
Speaker:We have resilient AF stories of resilience volume 3, but we
Speaker:are accepting submissions also with your tattoos. And we
Speaker:wanna showcase your story of resilience and, you know, it just I think a really
Speaker:beautiful way to honor, you know, honor the
Speaker:trials and tribulations that we are going through, that we've been through, that we will
Speaker:be going through. And when we mark those significant times in our life
Speaker:with ink, permanent ink, The world deserves to know the
Speaker:story. Completely. I love it. Do you have anything else you wanna
Speaker:throw in today, little sister? No. I'm
Speaker:feeling good. Yeah. I'm feeling
Speaker:well, thank you for tuning in to another episode of
Speaker:Resilient AF. We appreciate you.
Speaker:We appreciate your time. If you like this episode and you missed
Speaker:our, you know, last one, please go back and have a little listen. We got
Speaker:more coming out that come out every week. We're gonna be interviewing people
Speaker:who have shared their stories in our community, people who will be sharing our stories,
Speaker:and other mental health professionals. And so we got a lot of really great interviews
Speaker:coming up. Remember, it is okay to not be okay.
Speaker:You will bounce forward. You will get through it because you, my friend, are
Speaker:resilient, a f.
