This episode is the last of our three keys to successful relationships.

In part one of this three part series, we talked about connection being how we created our experience and that relationships were the vehicle through which we create connection.

We talked about there being a constant flow from feeling connected to disconnected and how conversation is the mechanism through which we create connection.

In this episode we talked about what caused disconnection.

Transcript

Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the past, helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. Tonight is the third part of the free keys to successful relationships, so the first key to successful relationships we talked about the whole point of. Like how we make sense of our experiences through connections and relationships are a vehicle for feeling comfortable creating that connection. Then we talked about there being a flow from connection to disconnection and conversation being the mechanism through which we create connection.

So tonight we're talking about what breaks connection, what creates disconnection. So what struck you in your discussions in the breakout room? Anyone have any thoughts? I think we were discussing lack of interest, the other person, at least that's one area that we don't. But if the other person I lovely engaging with the partner that can potentially cause this connection because the trust is not being listened to or being OK. So for me, that would probably come on the respect.

Would that be an accurate reading for you? It may be I mean, it's not so much. Well, it depends on the time respect, I guess, but it's not so much if the other person isn't showing interest in what you have to say or what you are doing or what's happening in your life or what kind of they are with you as such. But they expect that they're not putting anything into the relationship. And that's something in a more emotional way or in a psychological way than a contributing into.

So as an engagement like being engaged, being involved. Yeah. Yeah, ok. OK, so what determines whether someone's engaged or if they disengage, they call it more like a fixed mentality when the person doesn't want to marry your fiance. It's like staying in the comfort zone doesn't want to expand it, it's just all the time. That's my knowledge. I'm already at the door and I don't want to any more. So many people happening. When they finished high school, they stopped learning.

And when it's not good, growing mindset's, let's put it this way.

OK, so how does that how how does that break connection? Basically over the time you will lose interest because that is nothing new. What you can learn with that, that's nothing new. What you can do with that person, no activity all the time. The same things you will talk about, because eventually we'll run out from the things to see just all the time. You will still complain the person actually ending up in the complain loop. So the person only see the bad habits doesn't searching for the great opportunity for the future.

So the goal mind set this all the time to looking how you can break through the barrier barrier as long as the fix mentality is just black and white. Yes, no good, bad. Just labeling all the time and whenever you leave, but you actually don't have a time to go to the sense you don't need to label emotion. You don't need to label anything in the life, just experience it, just have it just to be there. OK, so this is really talking about in general, when we talked about Mostri, about the Toblerone and that that would be like the hacker, just happier a level.

And so what you're saying is we've got the growth growth mindset. There's going to come a point at that plateau where someone is unhappy with that and that's what's going to be like.

So let me go back a bit, because it's so what exactly happens when one person is at that plateau and then you said the other person gets to be more critical of them and I start to kind of complain. You basically what's happening when the fix mentality and all the time just feel like the other person at criticise, but my mindset all the time bluntly.

So you've won palmitate, global mindset. It's all the time. Want to improve all the time, want something bigger, achieve more in the future. That's how it's supposed to be in my perspective. If the other person just told me to just stay in the bubble doesn't look anything. OK, so. What what what about if they're both fixed mindset, if it's both, it can be at the same time it can be stopped. It can have some argument.

Because it's black and white, so I have a right no, I have a right, no, I have a right along the good old mindset. Yes, you may, OK, you have the right. But I still keep my right as well. So what is happening there? What's the point where it's breaking? Don't compromise. Yeah, basically just win lose, one of them will have to win another one have to lose an end date.

I believe everybody should win. Everybody should take something from it. But that means compromise and compromise. You have to discuss you have to discuss it to and fro and you find common ground and if you can't discuss with respect, then you're not going to succeed. Because if you have no respect, you are going to have anger and other destructive elements coming into play in that tug of war. You become adversaries rather than companions. I would think. OK, I think you can put a case for any number of things being the cause, but what I'm looking at is what is the trigger point?

So we've had disrespect and.

If I were taking five minutes to to clarify respect. Yes. So I'll tell you how I how I define it, I define respect as being about curiosity and being about interest in the person is about wanting to understand them as opposed to trying to control them or make them be what you want them to be. I don't know if that makes sense.

Does anyone else see it differently?

But suppose sounds like you're trying to understand this person that they. Oh, so you know who they are. And that's why you're curious and that's why you want to see them for who they are and understand them. So it's like acceptance is part of it. You accept them for who they are. Oh yes. Yes. Because the general respect for the person and that respect comes curiosity and a wanting to appreciate them as opposed to want them to match up to an expectation, especially since close the door.

Suppose it's a closed door. You are trying to communicate with someone. As you seem to appreciate, and there is no feedback, you're not getting, in other words, that's. It's a one way street, isn't that a lack of respect from them? Yes, but also it could be that they have they don't want to let you in either. And for me, that not wanting to let you in, that not engaging is about respect, because it's because if you respect someone, you engage with them, you're interested in them, and you're you're willing to have that engagement.

That should also be fair. Suppose suppose you feel that you have some deep, dark secret, such a good person. I mean, you know, and so you hide, you try to hide your true self. And so you don't respond to the cues that are coming from your partner because you have this fear.

I mean, I've I've heard people say things which seem to be rooted in fear rather than, you know, not respecting another person. But they're afraid. They're afraid of being ridiculed or afraid of not being respected themselves. So they guess so. So there's the question is with that. If you don't trust someone and that's sort of a level of respect, that it might be that there's a basis to it. But in a relationship, do you need like that's the point where you're going to break connection because you're only going to let someone in so far.

So do we always need to let someone in or because that's always going to be a point where I let you in so far. And of course, there's good reason for it. Some people have been horrifically in relationships and so they don't let people in. So do we always need that? I think that point is going to be a breaking point. But that's a philosophical question is do we always need that?

What is it you're asking, do we always need or do we need to share everything? And that relationship from a down to date, we own our mind, it's working like a muscle. We don't know what is the breaking point. So at some point you will have this level where you stop because that's your breaking point. It's working the same the mind as the muscles. So next time you can go further, you can do it further and further.

The question, how you communicate, if you can communicate and distant beep the same person, right, you can do continue with the same person, these breaking points, if you can't communicate it because you try to hide because you don't respect yourself. You cannot show respect for the other person. So quite often it's the biggest problem is the shame we feel inside. That's a shame. Only one person knows what. It's a shame ourselves the way how you tell the story.

It can be shame anymore if you don't feel shame. Yeah, yeah, I think there's nothing like shuts down communication like Shane. So you're talking about things like laziness, and I think we touched on it in the beginning when we were talking about Janice was talking about people who are just black and white and they know what they know and they really don't want to know anything else. And but from that, you can become very boring. And so the other party is bored.

And out of that, you can stop communicating because there is. And so you stop talking. And you may find that you're not shared interests at all, many, many commonalities that exist between you after a while.

So so where's the point? So you find someone boring. So differences of opinion. And so then you stop talking. But where's the point? If we analyze that zoom West Point, that stops the connection. When you stop listening to each other and relating to each other, being open to each other, so why when when, um, why do we stop relating and stop listening when you stop feeling hurt by the other person, when you stop feeling heard and respected.

OK, and so where's the point where we where we where we have that difference when we start blaming each other rather than taking the responsibility? They like to be a little bit more victimized and be saying, no, everything against me, the world, against me, you're against me. So we start blaming all the others and taking responsibility. Whatever we do, how we respond, it's our responsibility.

Or you stop reacting to the person completely ignore them.

Some people. Give up too easily, won't work at relationships, so that's why, you know, and gone. It was it was 10 guys over 10 days and now suddenly something maybe something's gone wrong. Either way, you know why you was feeding onto the foreman. The boring line gone. They just lost the job. I'm not saying it has to be always extreme what they just had an argument with. Well, today, you don't excite and you're not funny and you can work through that.

There's there's just one low. And that's just a just one argument. Might be a monologue. So you might say, well, I'm done. You know, there's other instict, higher levels where it's Bigelow's is losing jobs, losing family bereavement. And some people do give up too easily. I had a point before and I couldn't quite get an. Well, while that's on your mind, let's look at that. So why would someone give up like that if you were to put it down to one quality?

Well, some people, you know, some people do give into easily. Some people say we're more of a throwaway society these days, as in life. Right. There is the temptation of a line so easily where some people I'll tell you what we got when I got this tunnel, the women over the table, I'm just going to move on so quickly. So you two, are you talking about short term relationships? No, not necessarily, but, you know, the you know, you've got laptops, you've got mobile phones, some people do give in so easily, just up to one low one argument, one where on one going not so your personality on Gaullism.

Nine out of ten, constantly no more. And it's not amazing. So I don't know, I'm just going to give in and move on too quickly.

If you would put one word on why give up. What would you say? Commitment. To make it respect, it can be respected as another one word respect as well. So these commitments, some people might just go. Now, I'm not willing to commit to that. Could it be value as well as that money, which is where this is headed by just boat? Yeah, to me, it came down to they don't see value and and or secondly, they don't believe it will be they believe it's going to work out, which really is they don't believe you're going to be of value to them, which is which I think a lot of there is a snap decision because of the nature of online dating.

Some people blame it on alcohol and drugs as well. Well, at the time we were getting old and it was full of five points longer and it was more fun opportunities.

But it also depends on what you have put into the relationship, how much you have invested into the relationship and where it is that kind of tempers, whether you just pick up the suitcase and walk through the door or you make an attempt to try to find some common ground, because if you have not invested much, then it's very easy to say, I can't be bothered with this.

This is just too much of a bloomin headache. I'm gone and you walk out. Whereas if you have invested and have connected with not just the person, but we all come from families and we have networks, we have domestic situations that we get, you know, connected in with and so forth. And it depends on what you have to disentangle as well. That sometimes puts a brake on a person just barging out and saying that they can't be bothered and they will calm down and reassess the situation.

So I think it's it depends if it's a new relationship and you have to put down any roots, it's easy to say plenty more fish in the sea. I'm gone. This one is too much problems.

Whereas if it's somebody that you have children with, you have a mortgage with, you have whatever and all of those things, you are more, I think, tempted to to sit down and analyze what is going wrong and figure out if there is a way to work through it.

If not, then you go. But I think there is another step in that that scenario. Doesn't that relate to values as well? Because if somebody says I don't want to leave because I value my children, that's why they stay home, because I value plenty of people that still walk away even though they have kids, because apparently they don't value their children. Exactly.

So it's you know, it's because sometimes people walk away from their children. And if you know the details, then you probably can understand. Maybe not, you know.

But I think also one more usually happening. That's especially in the bedroom, because they are not able to open for each other about their imaginations, what they want. So because they are unable to open, sometimes they are searching out. And that's why he's speaking out, because they're also a little bit afraid what the other person will see. If I like this, what if I like that? You know, quite often women especially have more imagination or decide, but ministers were happy and afraid.

They get just because of the social things, whatever, and they afraid the partner will not accept that, which I think it's bullshit because if you are open to each other, you will accept whatever just the least. And it sort of doesn't. Good. So what does she was saying earlier about sort of throwaway society and how people connecting through the Internet, and I think that if you meet somebody through a group or through work or just through your general life or less quick to treat people in a throwaway manner because you have to face them again.

And therefore those I would describe that as having more care, love and respect and value for an individual rather than block delete more.

Yeah, there's a level of it can affect your social status, like your reputation among your network if if you're seen to act badly, whereas online you've got no connection. No one's going to know. Yeah, I think that's true. And I think, yes, we could look at what breaks connection and there's a whole lot of factors. And I think shame is a big one. I think disrespect. I think the growth and fixed mindset is a real issue, and I think we take responsibility.

But for me, the breaking point is conflict is where we have that difference of opinion. And because I think all of those things feed into I think shame stops us talking openly about our differences of opinion and which relates to what Janice said, like particularly when you look at the main things that people argue, it's money, sex, children like social family, social things, household chores. And so like that is the whole patriarchy change the treatment and where it's like the whole Christian dogma where you can't really talk about sex openly.

Money equally has like the slightest thing of keep up with the Joneses. And I'm going to tell people when you're in debt and all these things. So there's levels of shame in there. And of course, when you have children, you like it. It's difficult to walk away from children. And sometimes we don't know the full story, but there's a judgment that's going to happen to us anyway.

So really, conflict is about so stellar. I know you dropped out, but so we say in a conflict that it could be any one of a number of issues. But conflict is real, really the point of difference. Now, I think we can have differences, but when we were able to communicate about them and we were able to be open about them and we're respectful and we like we're working together and growing together and we take responsibility for those differences, then it becomes a point where you can grow and develop and deepen the bond.

But the problem comes when we have those points of differences and we don't talk about them or we don't confront them. And often people are willing to be open. And so you get this passive aggressive thing of you should know and no one really saying what they really the real issue is there's this sense of we feel the shame or we feel where we don't want to. We get defensive and don't really want to discuss it or we become critical in trying to control the other person.

And so that conflict conflict makes us more and more entrenched. And so it breaks the communication. And with that, when once we break the communication, then we start mind reading, we start judging the other person and we start to see them as the enemy. And that's where the disconnection comes in. So I think it'd be worth yeah. And then there's this pride and ego and all of those things that then become difficult and like, okay, so let's have a quick poll in the room of who is comfortable with conflict.

No. So most people think about 50 50, so wouldn't be so comfortable with conflict, remain comfortable and you can...