What if the key to more intimacy isn't asking for more — but showing up differently?

In this candid episode, Kayla speaks directly to men (and the partners who want to share this with them). If you're a loving partner who's trying hard but still hearing "I need more from you" — especially around sex and desire — this episode offers a compassionate roadmap for understanding what's really being asked of you.

Kayla explores why so many heterosexual relationships have a desire discrepancy, how patriarchy has disconnected men from their emotions and the feminine within them, and why women often carry the emotional weight of entire households. She explains what it means when your partner says they need more emotional connection before physical intimacy — and why that's not about blaming you, but about healing a system that's failed both of you.

This isn't about shame. It's about understanding how we got here and what it takes to dismantle those patterns from the inside out. The work starts with you doing your own inner work: learning to name and regulate your emotions, understanding how you've participated in patriarchal culture (even unintentionally), and showing up to your partner from a place of wholeness rather than need.

In this episode, we explore:

1. Why 90% of men have physical touch as their love language (and what that really means)
2. How patriarchy stripped the feminine from everyone — including men
3. What "carrying the emotional load" actually means in relationships
4. Why men often put all their emotional needs into the "sex bucket"
5. The difference between coming to your partner from need vs. from wholeness
6. How to hold the container of safety for your partner to finally release and receive
7. Why it's not your job to "make everyone happy" sexually
8. What it means to reconnect with the divine feminine within you
9. How doing your own work automatically lightens the burden on your partner
10. Supporting your partner in her journey to reclaim pleasure (without pressuring her)

This is an episode for men ready to show up differently — and for the partners who want to understand why this inner work matters so much.

If you’re feeling called to stay in touch with Kayla:

1. Join my Newsletter Community
2. Support this podcast and leave me a tip!
3. Join the waitlist for the Sacred Desire course
4. Book your Liberation Wisdom session
5. Book 45 minute consultation
6. Email me at kayla@connectedpleasurecoaching.com with any questions

Welcome, beloveds, to the Connected Pleasure Podcast.

I am your host, Kayla Moore, certified sex therapist turned pleasure priestess and feminine liberation coach.

This is a sacred space where we burn down the old narratives and rise into a new way of being, one led by intuition, pleasure, and embodied truth.

Together, we explore sexual healing, feminine liberation, and the reclamation of your sovereign power in a world that benefits from your disconnection.

In every episode, we peel back the layers of indoctrination, remember what is ours,

and weave pleasure back into the collective

consciousness one brave conversation at a time.

You belong here.

Your pleasure belongs here.

Let's rise.

This podcast is for education and inspiration only.

If you're wanting to explore pleasure more fully for yourself, I invite you to go deeper with me through the offerings linked in the show notes or through the offerings of my guests.

If you're unsure whether one of these containers or a therapeutic approach would best support you, you're welcome to schedule a free 45 minute consultation with me.

Together, we can explore what path is in your best interest.

And if I am not the right fit, I'll be glad to connect you with the resources you need.

Welcome back, my loves to the Connected Pleasure Podcast.

I'm Kayla, your host.

I go by she, her, hers, pronouns.

And I'm going to jump in today and say, this episode is for the men.

It is also for the women that are going to send this to their male partners.

So women listen in, men listen in.

This is for the men that are really beautiful, loving partners that are really trying and also have female partners or other male partners, whatever gender partner that you have, that are saying, I need more from you.

And you're like, I don't know what that means.

I don't really know what you're talking about.

I'm doing the best that I possibly can.

I'm doing everything that society told me to do.

Why am I still getting asked for more?

So this is for you.

And specifically, this is if you are in a relationship where your partner is saying, I need more from you in order to have sex with you.

I need more from you in order to work on my own desire and feel like there is a safe space for us to continue to explore our sexual experiences together.

So if you are wanting more sex with your partner and your partner has been pulling away from you, your partner has lower desire and been trying to figure out a way to support your partner or to help your partner get to a place where you both can have needs met.

This podcast is for you.

All right, we're going to jump in.

So why Is it that we have relationships right now where one partner typically has lower desire than the other?

There are a lot of different reasons, but when we look at heterosexual couples, so people that are in a relationship with a man and a woman and both of them are considered straight, it's.

To me, it's not just a coincidence that about 90 or so percent of men have their love language as physical touch, and women have a variety of different things that they feel are their love languages, but typically need more than just physical touch and some oftentimes need emotional connection to then bridge into some type of sexual touch and intimacy.

So I want to start by saying this is not your fault.

It is not your fault that we grew up in a society that told you emotions are not for you, that you don't have to worry about those things, that they were part of what is feminine.

And society really taught you how to not be feminine instead of how to be masculine, instead of what a man or a male is supposed to be.

Because honestly, society has really gotten away from what I deem is sacred in the masculine, and so what is sacred in the masculine.

So how I describe divine masculine is holding the safety, is holding the container for the feminine to be her wild feminine self.

And you are the grounding point.

You are the anchor.

But that doesn't come from abandoning your internal self and abandoning anything and everything that's feminine.

It actually comes with the integration of both.

It comes from all people being able to embrace and love the feminine within themselves as well as the masculine.

And we've all been kind of operating from this space where our wing of the masculine has been very dominant.

And our wing.

So I'm talking like if we are a bird, if we are a bird, the one wing on one side that is the masculine, which would actually be the right side of our bodies, because the left side of our bodies is feminine.

The right side of our bodies is masculine.

The right side of our bodies has been dominant for so long in this patriarchal society that has deemed men more valuable than women and has said that you get more privileges in society than women.

That doesn't mean that you specifically ask for those things, but it does mean that we all are in a society and benefit, you know, as a white person, I benefit in society more than a black person or an Asian person or a person of Mexican descent, anyone that is not white.

Right?

So this is the same thing that just being a man in this society, we have to acknowledge that you are given privileges whether you wanted them or not, that women are not afforded.

And so being able to understand that we have been flying with one wing and the feminine has been totally taken away because it was seen way back when, when the Roman Empire and Constantine were trying to take over the world.

It was seen as something that was getting in their way of being able to take power and control over people.

And so they highly suppressed the feminine.

They killed millions of women.

They stripped us away of our knowledge of our lineage, of our ancestry, of what we knew of the feminine.

And it really went underground.

So I tell you this because I want you to know that we are all made from both an egg and a sperm.

We are all made from both feminine and masculine energy.

And when the feminine is stripped out is not just taken away from women, it's also taken away from men.

You have been told that emotions that are inherently just human are not for you.

You have been told to distance yourself and actually like cut off a port portion of yourself from being connected to that, knowing that you came from a womb, you came from a mother, you came from the creation of the feminine and the masculine union together.

And when men are completely cut off from the feminine, it also turns into men feeling like they don't have a lot of purpose, they don't have much internal understanding and grounding in themselves.

And when this happens, then now in our modern day world, women talk about carrying the emotional load in a relationship.

And I think most men would be like, what is an emotional load?

I don't understand what you're talking about.

I do my best.

This just means that when you as a man do not have a good understanding of your emotions and your internal world and how to communicate that and how to regulate them, then it ends up being your partner's job to like understand and do that for you.

Men don't actually come to their partners, I think consciously and think, oh, I'm going to use my partner as a way to like understand my internal self.

But that ends up being what happens, that women end up taking on the role of not only understanding themselves internally, but also understanding their partners internally and having to help them navigate that.

They kind of become their partner's mother or their partner's therapist and are often pulling them to understand like what, what is going on for you, what is going on in your body.

And this is not a hundred percent of the time.

I have definitely seen this happen vice versa in relationships.

I definitely though there's a lot of women that also have a very hard time understanding their internal world as well.

In general though, this is a phenomena that we see.

And even if the roles are reversed, this is something that tends to happen is one partner ends up taking on the emotional toll of the relationship.

And then if you add children into the mix, they already need help with their internal emotional state.

They don't have a lot of regulation to begin with.

And so then mothers typically end up taking on the role of really having to understand their emotional state so they can be regulated for their child, who is very dysregulated at like all times.

I'm the mother of a almost four year old, so I've been doing a lot of this work on my own too.

And then if their partner is not there to really regulate themselves and understand their own emotions for their child, then they're having to also help regulate their partner so that they are regulated for their child and to model that regulation.

And so they're ending up having to take on the emotional toll of the entire household and hold it on their shoulders and figure out, how are we going to teach this child how to emotionally regulate?

I am the one that has to do it all.

So that's really what I mean when we talk about like the emotional weight in the relationship.

And so I know we started out talking about like, how do we have more sex?

This is really where it starts.

And I know that probably feels very far and distant for you, but this is really where it starts.

And again, back to how men usually have the need for more physical affection.

Men have been told that emotions are not for them, that emotions are not for you.

But really the place that you are able to get that connection and physical affection and emotional connection is through sex.

That our society tells men it's totally fine to be exploring themselves sexually as teenagers, as young adults, they are praised for being able to go out and have sex with multiple partners and experience that part of themselves where women are not.

Girls are not told to do that.

They are actively shamed for that.

And they are often not told how to explore their own bodies and understand what pleasure means for them.

And they are not taught about how pleasure is important for them, not just their partner.

Many women go into relationships still feeling like sex and pleasure are just for their male partners and not for them.

So it's important for you to understand that dynamic and understand that I often too feel like men tend to put all their emotional needs and feelings into the sex bucket.

That at any point, when you're feeling lonely, when you're feeling disconnected, when maybe you're feeling sad, when maybe you're feeling depressed, maybe you're feeling anxious or uncomfortable, all those emotions go into the sex bucket.

And it's like, I just want sex to fix all of that.

And oftentimes that can be really overwhelming for your female partner or just your partner that may have a more nuanced understanding of their own emotions and have different ways of coping with those emotions that aren't only through sex.

And so if we put all those emotional needs into the sex bucket, it can feel like to your partner that you're constantly just needing sex all the time, when really there are nuanced needs there that could probably be met through other forms of touch and other forms of communication and closeness than just sex.

And no, I'm not saying we can't have sex.

I'm not saying that having an abundance of sex is not okay.

It's just recognizing when am I actually wanting sex and what is driving that need.

Because if we're constantly putting all of our needs into the sex bucket, it's probably gonna feel like those needs are not being met.

So with that understanding all of that, the first thing that I really think is important is for you to really start to understand your internal world to work on.

What does it mean for me to feel?

How can I name my emotions?

How can I then find ways to cope with those emotions on my own?

And that doesn't mean that your partner can't be part of your regulating, like, format or plan, but they can't be the only way that you are regulating.

You cannot use your partner as kind of a dumping ground for all of your hard to feel feelings.

You need to be able to find ways to cope with those feelings on your own and then come to your partner from a place of wholeness and alignment and feeling like I'm regulated within myself.

And now I'm coming to you to share in this regulation and share in the safety that I'm creating for the both of us.

Women, I think all partners, I'm going to say women, but all partners really want their partner to come to the bedroom in a way that is, again, whole and connected and feeling like they are coming from a space of love and containment.

And like, I am going to hold you in this space and make sure that you feel safe.

And we don't need to go very far.

I know to look at how sex has been very unsafe for women for a very, very, very long time.

And so I know you are battling uphill.

Like, this is an uphill battle for men in a culture that now we just have, you know, pedophilia and Rape being talked about on a daily basis and just like, horrific, horrific things all the time.

With the Epstein files, I completely understand that, that you are really battling a lot of trauma that women have faced for a long time.

I do think that part of it, though, too, is being able to, one, understand what women have gone through, what patriarchy has really done to women in terms of our disempowerment and making us submissive in this culture and taking safety away from us.

And the second part to that, I know it's gonna be really hard to hear, but the second part to that is to understand how you have participated in that.

And again, I'm not saying that you have raped somebody.

I'm not saying that you have, you know, taken it to that degree.

But again, we all have participated in this culture at some point.

Maybe there was a time or multiple times where someone you around said something misogynistic or homophobic or made someone feel uncomfortable, and you didn't say anything.

And that silence is still complicit.

It's still making it normalized that this behavior is okay.

And so I don't come here to shame you.

I just want you to understand that we as women also need for you to reckon with what has your place been in the shaping of this society?

And again, not to shame you, not to say you're a bad person, not to have you feel like the worst person in the world, but to really understand how these things have come to be and what our role has been.

I'm going to say our role, because women have definitely played a role in this too.

What our role has been in this society and how we can start to dismantle that from the inside out.

So acknowledging what your part has been in this has is also really important for understanding how do I cultivate that safety for my partner.

So there's been a lot to this.

Mainly, I want you to know, working on your internal state, and that means really looking at your own resources for this.

Just as the LGBTQIA community has consistently said and even the black community has consistently said, like, we don't always want to be the ones teaching the, you know, opposing people or the oppressors in that situation what it's like to be us and how you need to dismantle the system.

There are lots of people that do step up and teach about their own understanding in their own, like, worldview, so that white people, so that straight people, so that men can understand what it's like to be in the minority position, but it is not our job to educate you on that.

So I really encourage men to go find, like, mended men to have these conversations with.

Go find some men in the, like, coaching sphere or the therapy sphere that are credible, that are not trying to make you blame women for your problems.

That is what the conservatives are trying to do, is have men blame women for their problems so that they can just keep patriarchy alive.

That's not what we're here to do.

We are here to dismantle those systems.

So finding men that are talking about, what does it mean to be masculine in a healthy, sacred way?

And how do we start dismantling what the patriarchal system has taught us about masculinity and really working on, how do I understand my internal world?

How do I understand my emotions?

How do I name my emotions?

How do I know when I'm thinking, feeling an emotion, and how to be able to regulate that and communicate that to people in my life?

Because when you do that, it automatically takes the burden off of your partner to have to do that in your relationship.

And she is going to feel that shift.

I promise she is going to feel that shift, and she is going to see that you are showing up differently for her than how you have before.

So being able to do your own inner work, very important.

Being able to understand the differences of how women have been affected by patriarchy as well as how men have been affected by patriarchy, is very important.

And with that, being able to support your partner in her own journey as well.

A lot of women are still working on all the crap that we have had to endure by the patriarchy as well.

And men are on the side of needing to understand their emotions, understand how their internal world affects the outside world.

Women are quite the opposite.

We have been trained and conditioned to be very understanding of our internal world, but often at the detriment of ourselves, that we are very conditioned to take care of all other people and to put ourselves last and make sure that, like, our bodies, our emotions don't really matter in this situation.

All that matters is how everybody else is doing.

And so hopefully she is doing her own internal work, is unwinding a lot of that, is coming into her own power, is finding that inner source of divinity within herself, and is working on, how does that relate to pleasure?

How do I know and feel that pleasure is for me, that pleasure is something that I get to claim for myself.

And so that is the work that I have been doing with the women that I work with.

And so I want you to know that that is the Work that she is doing so that you can support her in that.

That you aren't there to say, hey, I need you to be better.

I need you to, like, get to my level of desire and meet my needs.

I need you to be really understanding and empathetic.

And empathy, again, is another skill that is learned through understanding your own emotions.

Because we cannot have empathy if we don't understand human emotions.

Empathy is connecting to another person through your emotional understanding.

You may not have had the exact same experience as someone else, but you know that, oh, I have felt sad before, I have felt frustrated before, I have felt abandoned before.

And I can connect to you through that understanding.

I can see the humanity in you.

I can see the connection that I have experienced in my own experience with you, because we are both human and we are both experiencing that feeling, even if it was in two different contexts.

So empathy is something that we also have to learn through that inner work of really understanding your emotions.

And so being able to support your partner in her own journey takes empathy.

It takes being able to say, I get where this is coming from.

I get why desire and sex and pleasure are so hard for you, because the patriarchy taught you to not care about those things, to actively avoid those things, to think that your body is disgusting, to think that you are not enough the way that you are, that you are not lovable the way that you are, and to only think about pleasing me and I want to be pleasing you.

So oftentimes, men have a hard time when it's like, I want to be pleasing my partner, but she won't tell me what it is that would be pleasing to her.

And we have to have that empathy and that care that.

That's not your job to instruct her in, but it is your job, if you so choose so, to support her in her journey of really reclaiming her own pleasure and understanding that for herself.

And that is the work that I tend to do right now.

I do want to get into being able to work on the couple dynamic in the future.

That is in the works.

But right now, my containers are specifically geared towards the women in your life that are really trying to reclaim those things for themselves.

So being a supportive partner is really, really important in this journey as well.

And so if we can work on our internal work, if we can really look at how am I being a supportive partner to my partner on her own journey or their journey, depending on who they are, what they identify as, and also really unpacking for yourself, what does masculinity mean?

For me, how have I been raised in this patriarchal society to be a certain type of person, a certain type of man?

And what does it look like to dismantle that and really understand what does it mean to be a divine masculine man?

And that really means bringing the divine feminine in to your world and having a relationship to the divine feminine.

What does it mean for you to have a relationship to the divine feminine?

And the divine feminine is creative.

It is wild.

It is It.

It is everything.

It is the great mother that is the unconditional love that so many of us did not grow up with.

It is the goddess of compassion that is actively taking that unconditional love that cannot waver no matter what you do, and is actively forgiving and loving in action and is saying that everyone is worthy, everyone is connected, the world is connected.

All human beings, all plant life, all animals, all living, sentient beings are connected inherently.

And that is the most important thing.

And again, connecting back to what.

What would it mean for me to really remember and connect back to the fact that my origin is from a womb, My origin is from a mother.

Doesn't matter what type of mother you had.

I know that.

Trust me, I know that relationships to our actual parents can be very tricky and very challenging.

But just the idea that you came from a womb and you came from a woman's body, not how the Bible tells us that Eve came from the rib of Adam, that's the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life.

When it comes to creation and creating human beings, that is the womb's job.

And I've created my own child human being.

And I can tell you it is one of the most wild things that happens in this life.

And just what would it mean for you to, like, reconnect to these feminine parts of you that have been told for so long to be dismissed, to be cut out, to be thought of as not available to you and actively harmful to you and being able to fit in to the culture that was being presented to you.

So really looking at these things for yourself and trying to understand how can I show up differently in my relationship, I promise you, is going to be so much easier for your partner to then fuel her own desire and come to you in a way where she can finally relax and release and let go.

That's really what we're trying to do here, right?

Is the masculine holds the container of safety.

We're not coming to our partner from a place of need, from a place of.

I have all this emotional baggage inside of Me.

And I need you to help me deal with it.

So I need sex right now.

That is what I think a lot of men do with their partners is I need you.

I need you.

I need you because I have all this stuff inside of me.

Even though that's probably not what you're cognitively thinking.

But I think that's really what's happening is like, oh, I have this angst inside me.

I have this depression, I have this loneliness.

I have this anger from work.

And I just want to, like, release it through sex.

Because you have no other coping skills beyond that.

And women are finally coming to a place where we're saying, no, not anymore.

I'm not doing it that way anymore.

So being able to create this container of safety and love and coming from a place of.

I have dealt with my emotions, I have named them, I have done some coping skills around them.

I feel, like, calm in my body at this moment and really just want to connect with you, that you are the person that I want to connect with in this way.

And I'm going to hold the container for us to dance and play in that space together.

And so if you can approach her from that place versus the needy place, I really think that that is what women need to finally release.

She has to do her own work in being able to deal with her triggers and all the things that have built walls over time for her.

But she really needs you to come to the bedroom or, you know, wherever space you want from a place of wholeness, from a place of not needing her in that way, but a place of wholeness and steadiness and safety so that she can finally let go and release and feel safe and receive.

That's really what we're talking about here, is receiving that she is.

Her work is to open up and receive and feel like her body can feel safe enough to receive the pleasure that she deserves and that you both deserve.

One final note before I go, I do want to note, too, that so many men have been taught around sex to feel like you are the keeper of everyone's pleasure, that it's your job to make everyone happy.

And usually there's a lot of pressure on the penis to do so.

So I also just want to give you the tip and the note that it is not your job, my love, to make everyone happy again.

She has a lot of work that she needs to be doing, or they, whoever your partner is, have a lot of work to do on their own in order to know what their body needs, know what pleasure means to them and to be able to communicate that effectively to you as well.

So do not feel like it is all your responsibility to do that.

And if your penis doesn't respond in the way that you want it to, that it is your fault and that you are not doing enough.

Or if your partner is not responding in the way that you both are hoping for, that is your fault and that you're doing something wrong.

It's always good to take a look at what you are doing and see if there's anything that is making it harder for your partner to engage with you in the way that you are hoping.

But it is not all on you.

So I want to take that pressure off of you and to again really say that both of you doing your individual work to come together in a place where you both feel whole, you both feel like you're enough, you both feel like pleasure is for you individually and for you as the unit is the best place to be.

Because that's where we get to dance.

That's where we get to really create the experience where we're exchanging feminine and masculine energy back and forth and sex just becomes playful and fun and something that you get to co create together.

I hope that is helpful.

I hope that it sparks some good conversations.

I would love to get any feedback from anyone that listens to this.

You can email me.

My email is down below kayla@connectedpleasurecoaching.com if you also want to leave a comment on YouTube or comment on anything I put on FA or on Instagram, not Facebook, on Instagram, that would be so appreciated.

And I just, I really love doing this work.

I really love talking about this work.

And I want to hopefully create a world where we are building pleasure back into our lives.

Because so many of us are really, really struggling with relationships and intimacy and pleasure.

And these are the building blocks to get there.

So I know it feels a little bit like the scenic route, maybe the scenic route to getting to where you're wanting to go.

But I promise you that these really are the building blocks and the foundation for helping your relationship evolve to where, you know, women and society are really demanding that it goes.

Now a lot of women are saying, I don't want to do it the way that we've done it before.

And I think a lot of men are too.

A lot of men are waking up and realizing we've been doing this the wrong way.

And I want to give you a roadmap for how you can have the pleasure and the intimacy that you are hoping for.

And longing for.

So until next time, I hope you all take care.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of the Connected Pleasure Podcast.

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