A standoff with Pistachio Jones makes Book and Ocean realize they need some help to prove their innocence.

This one is basically Spider-Man Noir.

Welcome to Oops!

All Apocalypses, a show where we explore the collapse of society by playing fun, tabletop role-playing games.

I'm your host, Stu Masterson.

I'm joined by More and Les.

I'm More.

I claim More.

Yeah, I'm happy for you to have More.

Hey, everybody, I'm Les, and I play Book McCready, a super spicy sleuth.

Nice.

Got it.

Perfect.

Who no longer has any affinity for pistachio nuts.

I didn't really like pistachios very much in the first place.

They're kind of bland.

Oh, I love pistachios, but only because they're salty.

That is true, I guess.

I like me some.

But some pistachio ice cream?

They have a good texture.

I have not had very much pistachio ice cream in my life.

You got to try that.

But my favorite are the Smokehouse Roasted Almonds.

Those are the absolute best.

Those are good.

Basic ass nut right there.

Smokehouse Roasted Almonds.

Those aren't basic.

Those are incredible.

They got a nice little savory, little savory, a little salty, a little smoky.

Amazing.

Sometimes on a pistachio, you get that little kind of papery skin on it.

It gives a little bit of crunch.

I always peeled that part off when I was a small child eating pistachios.

No, that's the best part.

So I really like walnuts, but they taste metallic to me.

That probably means you are allergic.

But I like it.

So I don't know if I like real walnut taste, but I like allergic walnut taste.

I realized that I just heard like there's some article that's like, there's this actually pretty common reaction to walnut allergies or something.

I was like, they just taste metallic.

You guys are crazy.

I have that with mushrooms.

Mushrooms taste metallic.

Mushrooms taste like hydrogen peroxide to me.

Interesting.

You know the taste of hydrogen peroxide?

I love the taste of hydrogen peroxide.

That's insane.

Is that what walnuts taste like to you?

No, it's different.

The walnuts kind of taste like blood.

On that note, I'm Jacob, and I'm flying Ocean, a gentle giant who is apparently really bad at making distractions.

Yeah, I think a little marble shooter there didn't turn out quite like you expected.

I did think it was a great idea.

It was a loud, this is where we are sound followed by-

But that's why I was arcing it to a different roof, so it sounded like way off in the distance.

The explosion of the gun is louder than the pattering of the pellets hitting the roof.

Probably wouldn't have been louder.

If he rolled good, it could have been spring powered if he rolled good enough.

I was hoping it was spring powered.

That's kind of how I imagined it.

It was like a plate in a gun and it pushes out everything.

It's kind of how I was hoping.

Now it's explosive, so now you can't use it underwater.

That's how the game works.

The fiction changes based on the role, but then it becomes permanent.

Though I think I can think of some good good circumstances where the explosion could work.

It's a blunderbuss.

Basically, I can turn it into a hand cannon.

I think it does a lot of harm.

Yeah, it's a good gun.

Also, guns work underwater, just saying.

This week, we're going to try to fall in love with Book and Ocean for the 34th time.

So many times we're going to answer the question or we're going to have them answer the question.

Your house containing everything you own catches fire.

After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item.

What would it be?

Why?

Can we assume that our standard gear is already on us?

Yes, you have your normal carrying capacity.

But my cane is already in my possession.

Would your cane really be the one thing you'd save?

Yeah, probably.

Well, what's the second thing you'd save then?

The picture of Book's parents.

Your sister's clearly not in it.

I think the only picture that I have of my parents is the one of them with Juniper and Hickory.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Pictures are not particularly common in the Apocalypses.

No, I can't imagine.

I have a camera now.

Yeah, you have a camera.

I don't think you have film though, do you?

He has film, but he doesn't know how to develop the film.

Oh, that's right.

I think for Ocean, if the spider is not an option to save, yeah, because I don't think that would be something that he would actually keep in his house as much as he loves that beautiful car.

I think Ocean, I think his sentimentality is pretty kind of fucked up because most of the things, I don't think there's really many objects that he is particularly like emotionally attached to in the sense that he has a strong history to it, but more kind of like, I guess, kind of like a hoarder, but the object that he feels has most potential that he'd attacks when he touches it.

So I think Ocean would be pretty practical if his house was burning down and he would grab his birth certificate.

But probably his some of his supplies that he uses to go plundering.

So you could you could just start over fresh.

You could just grab your go bag.

Yeah, he would just need that burning house.

No, I think.

Yeah, I think he'd be really practical about his stuff.

Because if things burned down and he goes back into it, he didn't just find what's interesting now about the things that have been burnt to a crisp.

So, oh, that's very interesting.

I thought you're going to say he walks into the fire and stays there and goes down with the ship.

No, I think he has some self preservation.

So I think he would probably be practical and grab whatever would help him the most with finding more stuff like his go bag or his scavenging supplies or his shovel or something like that.

If my house burned down containing everything I own, I would go back.

That just gave me a flash.

You didn't answer last week's question.

I know.

I realized that as well.

I was going to do that right after this.

I would save my favorite guitar, not the one you gave me, Brady.

Sorry, it's not expensive enough.

That's OK.

If the one you gave me was 10 times the price, I would save that one, because I do like it a lot.

No, that's fine.

I wouldn't expect you to save the one I gave you.

And last week, as Jacob so astutely pointed out, I never answered the question, which is a nice, fun, lofty, if I were to die, what would I regret not having told people?

And my answer is absolutely nothing.

No regrets ever.

I'd be fine with it.

Very nice.

Now, let's get back to the action.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, shit.

Is that how we're starting?

Yeah.

I thought he said something to us at the end of the last session.

Well, well, well.

Look who made it here.

Hey, Pistachio, can I preempt this interaction by just saying that the video that you saw of us was tampered, and that we were gone.

We never, we didn't, that wasn't us, and we're still trying to be on the same side, please?

Do you have any history with Pistachio?

No.

Okay, then give me a normal Swayce-O-One roll.

I would have made this disadvantage, but you did specifically before go out of your way to try to explain shit to him.

See, that's why honesty is the best policy.

Yeah, you were kind of working with him behind Hickory's back a little bit before.

So I'll let you make a straight up Swayce-O-One roll, and this will determine the flavor of this conversation and his default opinion of you.

First roll of 2014, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, come on.

Come on, baby.

Oh, I like that.

That's a 12, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've done it.

We got him.

Are you wearing Vesuvius on your shoulder?

Fuck yeah, I am.

Okay.

Oh, God, I forgot, but I absolutely am.

But yeah, no, certainly.

But like, I think probably when I first said something to Pistachio, I probably grabbed the corners of my jacket and opened it like curtains so that my real head poked out.

I don't know what this does for us.

Nothing good I'm gonna add.

I think it gives me advantage because honesty is the best policy.

You see he has his gun is on the bar and there's a loud scooting sound as his bar still goes back as he gets to his feet.

And he goes, well, it seems like everyone that I've been trying to find is in one spot here.

Nice of you to bring who I assume the terrorist is in that little head floating up there.

So actually that's partially true.

So he did do his body did explode.

However, he did not trigger the explosion.

So how do I explain this?

So basically, he is a clone of a dude who we knew.

We told you all this actually.

We told you this.

But when we were in your facility in your compound, whoever made the clone had planted explosives inside of it and triggered it themselves.

So as far as him being the terrorist, I think he's more of a victim of terrorism.

He was the vehicle for the terrorism, but he was not the terrorist.

I'm but a plane that was hijacked.

I am happy to roll another sway someone.

Pistachio reaches for his gun, not in a very aggressive way.

Like he goes and grabs it and holds it in his hand.

And he goes, you three or two and a tenth people here have really caused a lot of embarrassment.

Five heads high or eight heads high?

How many heads higher people?

That's a thing.

Have caused a lot of embarrassment and trouble for Hickory Fleet.

What were you doing in that server room?

Pistachio, how could we have caused any embarrassment?

We haven't even been here.

The video.

Even if you say that video was fake, it was your face.

It's your face all these people believe in.

We recorded a video.

We did not record that video.

This also was very semantic.

I know.

I know that it sounds like I'm being real semantic here, but I promise it's an important distinction.

You're telling me it wasn't this guy.

It was just his body.

You're saying it wasn't your video.

It was just kind of your video, but you still haven't explained what the fuck really is going on here.

Why did all of this stuff happen?

To be fair, Pistachio, we're trying to figure that out as well.

You know, the wolves of the maelstrom?

You ever heard of that?

Heard of them?

Yes, of course.

I'm familiar.

Well, Ocean, why don't you take it away and tell them all about your pals?

I mean, them.

Hold on.

Well, look, Pistachio, we are out of town.

We know that the medical supplies have been kind of tough to get right lately.

So we were going to grab some, gather some up to help out the town.

We had a couple encounters while gone, and that's kind of what delayed us so long.

Do you know the the cartoon Cow Tools?

I'm not familiar.

Give me an act under Firewall Ocean.

We're starting out good.

That's a 10.

Very nice of you to get some supplies.

I'm sure Hickory will be very happy to see them.

But I don't think he's going to be as happy to see you two.

And I can't let you two out of here.

You should tell me everything you know, and I may be able to help you out.

I feel like we just kind of did.

Well, shit, you guys don't know anything.

Well, yeah, that's I mean, that's I mean, that is not going to hold up in court.

I mean, I am investigating as an investigator.

Yeah, Pistachio, we're trying to figure that out.

That's what we came back to town for.

We heard there was stuff going down down here, so we figured we'd kind of rush back and try and figure out what the heck is going on here.

I think the best thing for you guys to do is to come with me peacefully, turn over your weapons and come to Hickory.

So we'd love to, like we really would.

But we actually have to go again pretty soon.

Well, if you're all innocent and you can prove it, then I'm sure you'll be free and clear in no time.

So let me ask you a question.

Is it more important to prove that we're innocent or to stop tragedies from happening that would further implicate us as not being innocent?

From your perspective or mine?

I would like to think that as a team, we are looking at this from the same perspective, i.e.

us not going in jail because we're actively doing good things for the community, even though bad things keep happening with our names attached to them.

If I was you, I would want to be not guilty.

Fair enough.

The only way to do that is to talk to Hickory.

Hear me out though.

If we never talk to Hickory, we never have the opportunity to be guilty either, which means if so facto, it's kind of a wash, which I'm fine with.

I'm comfortable with a wash.

Ocean, are you comfortable with a wash?

Because that's two-thirds majority, I think, is pretty strong.

Book, what the hell are you talking about?

I have no idea what he's talking about.

All right, leave me high and dry there.

That's fine.

Pistachio, we came here to talk to Juniper.

Where is he?

Oh, I think he's around somewhere.

He's clearly not in here at all.

Pistachio is the only person in the bar.

What has happened here since Spades left?

We've not really gotten much of a answer on that question.

Before we go and see Hickory, we need to know what is going on here.

Well, right now, it's a little bit quiet in here because we got some visual confirmation that you guys were heading in this direction, and I decided to come in first.

Well, there's a lot of people who are going to be here pretty soon, and there's a big difference in you guys running or walking with me up to that courthouse.

Ocean turns to Book and is like, Look, I think we need to see that video.

I think we need to confirm, indeed, that this was not us.

I don't know how we could possibly do that, given the resources that we have.

I think the best way to prove our innocence is to not be involved with the whatever revolution that video is trying to start.

I mean, literally Pistachio.

Okay, straight up Pistachio.

The last time you saw us, we, I know it went awry.

Let me just, I'm remembering how this ended.

But we gave you a pretty big tithing to try to prevent violence in the community.

Why would we then go back and create a video to incite more?

From the perspective of Hickory, you came into his place, scouted out an area, it then exploded the next night, and then you released a video calling for more violence.

Can't argue with that.

And then you were gone for five days.

But the next day we had agreed to help Hickory as well.

Why would we blow something up if we were agreeing to help him?

What if we find, can you give us a couple days to find the original video?

I can't give you anything.

We can't defend ourselves without any evidence, and we can't collect evidence if we're incarcerated.

You're asking us to go up to a person who is convinced we're guilty, with absolutely no means to defend ourselves.

You can come with us.

Ocean, give me a S-Way someone roll.

Drop that dice on the floor.

Let's grab my second one.

Backup dice.

Always have one in the holster.

It's an 11.

I'm sure if you didn't want to incite any rebellion, and the whole video thing is some big misunderstanding, Hickory would certainly accept you guys denouncing any sort of revolution or pushback, and a full-hearted approval of Hickory being in charge.

That's only for the video shit.

There's also an exploded server room, and a lack of power, and dead men that you still have to answer for.

Again, we didn't do any of that.

However, if you come with us to find the original video, I feel like that's a pretty nice compromise between our two desired.

Where is the video?

Well, we would have to find that.

I just said we'd have to find it.

Listen, man, I know that you're mad at us, but you got to work with me.

Sometimes I'm like, hey, I'm going to go find a drink.

You want anything?

And then people are like, yeah, sure.

And it's not like I then go outside and start digging holes.

I know where the drinks are.

All right, well, I know what if I know what it looks like?

I know what the video looks like.

Fucking black rectangle.

Yeah, exactly.

So I don't know where the black rectangle is.

I mean, I don't know where it is.

Even if it had stayed in...

We sent a video to Hickory.

Even if it had stayed in his possession, I wouldn't know where it is.

Clearly, it left his possession.

Sounds like it's at Hickory's then.

We should go there.

I don't know about that.

How about we do some clues solving?

We do some investigating, something I'm decent at, probably, and we find it, and then we can show the original, and then we'll all be happy.

If you work in tandem with Hickory's men, aka you.

I'm saying that, you, but you, specifically you.

I want to work with you.

I'm just representing Hickory.

You're going to have to talk to him.

No, I'm talking to you, and I would like you to come with us to find the thing, and then you'll be happy, we'll be happy.

There's people coming to that building right now to either kill or arrest.

People who you are in command of, and you can tell them to stand down.

You can tell them to stand down.

You're his right-hand man.

Don't bullshit me.

I could tell them that if I wanted to be killed tomorrow.

Yeah, but we'll have the tape tomorrow to hand Hickory to prove our innocence.

I'm not willing to risk my life on you finding a black rectangle.

Okay, then we're not coming with you.

Okay.

And I think we should leave.

I say to Ocean.

Ocean looks around.

It's still completely quiet in here.

Is there any signs of like a struggle or any violence that have occurred here recently?

Give me a read of Citroën.

Okay, that is an eight.

Okay, ask me one question.

God, this would have been a better, a good one to get multiple successes on, because there's two very important questions I could have asked here.

But could help.

Try to help.

I got plus two.

You want me to help?

Sure, why not?

Let's do it.

Shit.

Oh, that's a seven.

That counts.

Four plus one plus two.

That pushes me up to a full success?

Yes.

So you can now ask three questions.

I'm gonna ask, what should I be on the lookout for?

What is our best way out?

And what is our best opportunity for us to get away from Pistachio without violence?

Since you originally asked to see if there's like any sort of struggle or anything like that, you look around the room, and at first it looks like there was.

There's a lot of broken stuff, broken glasses, broken chairs, that sort of thing.

You see some little blood splatter on the corner of the bar, on the far side away from Pistachio.

But looking at it for a little bit seems like it's mostly pretty old stuff.

It's at least a couple of days old.

But you do notice that the door that goes into the little tiny back office that Juniper works out of, it has a chair wedged up against the handle right now.

Oh, shit.

For your best way out, if he's telling the truth about people coming to this location, it seems like they would most likely be trying to flank you and come in behind you, as they know Pistachio's in here, and come in through the main entrance.

So, in a way, going out the back may be safer to avoid the immediate threat, but that is going deeper into town, closer to all of the buildings and closer to the courthouse, actually, if you go out the back.

And then your best opportunity to get away from Pistachio without any violence, he is between you and that back door.

Okay.

Is that back door the one that has the chair wedged in it?

Okay.

So that's a different door.

That door.

Yeah, that door is behind the bar.

And then there's a back door that you guys have taken before that had what looked to be like once was a kitchen that brings you into the main square behind town.

Do we know if there is a window of any kind in that door with the chair wedged in it?

Yes.

If there's like a window or something in there.

There's a small window you can't see through, but it's frosted over.

So you have to be like real close and have your hands against it to see vague shapes on the other side.

Gotcha.

Oh, I mean, like in that room itself.

Do we know if there's a way to go outside?

Yeah, like a window outside or something like that?

Probably not.

You don't remember seeing one.

It's a more secure room.

It's probably where they used to like count money and stuff.

So not easy to get in and out.

Ocean leans over to Book and points out that door is like, Book, I think they've got Juniper trapped in that room right there.

Time to commence Operation Free Juniper.

What if we gave Pistachio, what if we gave him the head of Vixuvius?

Ocean is visibly disgusted by that suggestion.

I don't think Book is suggesting that.

I think Brady is asking Jacob if that's what he's saying.

Why would you do that?

Because then he can stand trial, and he can tell everyone what happened and defend us.

No, that would be us abandoning our friend.

We've been through so much together.

He can't even stand.

Listen, it gets heavy, is all I'm saying, having that guy on my shoulder all day long.

You're gonna have to carry that weight.

Okay, out of the corner of Book's mouth, he goes, I think we need a distraction.

Okay, I have an idea.

I go, get ready to scoop up Vesuvius.

What did you say?

So I put my hands up above my head as if I'm gonna surrender.

Vesuvius is still on my head, by the way.

I just was holding the jacket on it.

So I put my hands up, and as it reaches the top of my head, I throw the Vesuvius head at Pistachio.

Give me an attack, someone.

And I yell, I'm sorry, Vesuvius.

Shit, that's an eight.

Partial success.

I believe you choose one from the partial success list.

I would like to get Pistachio Jones out of my way.

Okay, where are you trying to go?

To the door.

I'm trying to unblock it so that Juniper can come out.

Well, actually, so that we can get him and run away.

You grip the side of Vesuvius' face, and you hurl him forward.

As he crashes directly into Pistachio, who is not expecting this in any way, and he stumbles back on the ground, and his gun he was holding goes skidding under the pool table, and you see him start skittering towards it, trying to go grab it, but it's rolled pretty far away, and he doesn't fit under a pool table particularly well.

So he's running for that right now, and you have an opening to get to the door.

As Pistachio starts running towards the pool table, Ocean is going to grab his shovel and crash it into the pool table to kind of make it collapse on top of Pistachio so that he gets trapped underneath it, and then he's going to run and grab Vesuvius' head.

Roll, attack somebody.

Fell off the table.

Just like he's about to.

I'm very glad that I have good hard, because that is an eight.

Okay, choose one.

I'm going to say pin somebody down.

Okay, it does do too harm to him as well.

As you smack this table and it crunches down on him, and you hear a big...

As all the air gets pushed out of his lungs through his lips, you then scoot down and pop Vesuvius' head up in the air with your shovel and grab it.

I grab it like a football, and I run towards the door with Book that we suspect Juniper's hidden in.

Yeah, I wrench it open.

It's not difficult to get it open from this side, and as it's open, you see Hickory Fleek sitting.

You see Juniper sitting there.

He looks a little bit worried, but he seems even more startled to see you in the doorway.

Whoa!

Juniper, we got to get out of here.

And he goes and he grabs his shotgun from under his desk and follows after you.

Where are you guys going?

Which way?

Out the back door.

And then we're going to try and probably lose the crowd coming in the...

Kind of similar to how we've tried in the past.

We're going to try and run through the streets in erratic ways to kind of lose, get lost.

But I think then we're going to head back to...

I think we should head back to my place.

I think it's imperative that we find Calista because she is really our only lead as to how to find.

I agree.

But right now, I think we best bet is to get out of town until actually your place is on the outskirts, right?

Yeah, but that's where they're going to expect us to go.

That's true.

That's true.

How far are we from Den Wallace's place?

Your hidden room.

Your hidden room.

My hidden room is busted open.

We could fix it up.

How far are we from Den Wallace's place?

It's pretty close to Calista and Maples.

So I'd be back the direction you guys came from.

So a couple rolls.

What about Johnny Hertz?

Because that could be interesting.

Us getting with Johnny Hertz, he might have some more scoop down low for us.

Really, I think we just need to get somewhere where we can talk to Juniper and lose these guys.

All of our maps universally agree that we have to, to get from the Broken Leg to Johnny Hertz, is we have to go through Town Square and Frida's Alley.

Oh, shit.

Looking at the map, is there anywhere else that's closer for us to go hide in?

Listen, our maps aren't that detailed.

Yeah, imagine our map is very shitty.

The Soggy Worm is close to the Broken.

The Soggy Worm is in between our places and the Broken Leg.

So if we wanted to move towards the other direction, away from Frida's Alley and Town Square, we could go to the Soggy Worm where Calista works.

But it is also just a building made of styrofoam containers.

Ocean's going to turn to Juniper and say, Juniper, where can we go to avoid notice for a little while?

Well, how hot did you guys come in here?

Pretty darn hot.

And our friend Pistachio is currently buried under some pool tables.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, sorry about your pool table, by the way.

It's OK.

I don't play pool.

I don't know.

Subtropolis?

They're going to come for us.

Where did we leave the spider?

Can three people fit in this?

Can three people and a head fit in the spider?

Yeah.

It'll be cramped, like always.

We parked it somewhere that it was a void to where it can't be seen.

I remember.

Yeah, that's near the outskirts of town, which is closer to your two places.

I think our best bet right now is to get into the spider, run out into Subtropolis, hide for a couple hours, and then head back into town to meet up with Callista and them.

I'm good with going to the spider.

With Juniper and our hands as well.

I have a question, though.

Yes.

Does the range on your Peton launchers, is it far enough to hit the ceiling?

Of Subtropolis?

Of the cavern above us?

Near the edges, it is.

Not like in the middle.

You want us to climb up on the roof?

I would like to do a stakeout from the roof of Hamlet opening with a pair of binoculars to see if we can identify Frieda.

That's a dope idea.

I like that idea a lot.

Plus, I don't think anyone's going to be looking on the cavern roof for us.

Exactly.

Ocean's going to turn to Juniper and is like, all right, let's get to Subtropolis.

You ever been in the spider before?

You see my car?

Yeah, I've seen it.

I don't think I've had the opportunity to rat in it yet.

Well, don't you worry.

This little baby is going to get us out of trouble.

As we're running through his back, like his kitchen area, I grab whatever bags of bar snacks.

I run peanuts and crackers and shit.

You get the oldest trail mix that has Cheetos that have been stale for so long.

When you bite them, they don't crunch.

They just kind of deform under your teeth.

Who puts Cheetos in trail mix?

I guess a snack mix.

Is that better?

Sure.

I mean, you could put Cheetos in trail.

I'm going for the biggest bag of shit for our stakeout.

We need snacks.

Yeah, it's a family size.

All right, hell yeah.

Perfect.

Okay, both of you give me an act under fire as you try to work your way back to the spider.

That's a fucking 12, baby!

Holy hell, I'm rolling rocks!

Now I just got to figure out when I'm going to start rolling like shit.

Well, for me, it's now.

Oh, no.

I rolled a five.

Is there any way I can help with this, this roll, to like grab them and duck them down into different alleyways when I think I can see him coming up?

Like, I see an area coming up that he might be spotted.

I can grab nduck them down or like grab them and run with them to kind of like force him to run faster at certain spots.

You can roll and aid if you want to.

Okay.

But it may put you in a bad spot.

Okay.

Or you could save your roll for whatever outcome from this there.

Can we take the halfway point between our two rolls and make success?

That feels fair.

Do you want me to go ahead and help you now or do you want us to save it for whatever the consequences of this is going to be?

Because I got a full success here, so I think that's probably going to be pretty beneficial in the long run.

Yeah, I'll go with Stu's recommendation of awaiting.

Not my recommendation.

I just give options.

Well, yeah, but you're God, so like when God gives you an option, I think you should probably take it.

When God's like, you could do that, or you could do this, you should probably do the thing that God recommended.

I'm just saying you could chop off your foreskin, and people do.

God said, do it.

Let's do it.

It's just not that important.

You could.

I mean, Abraham did go to kill his kid, and then so God was like, you should kill your kid.

And then when Abraham actually went to do it, he was like, oh shit, you should not kill your kid.

I didn't think you were going to actually do it.

When you said Abraham, I thought you meant Abraham Lincoln, and you were saying Abraham Lincoln went to go kill his kid, and I was like, holy shit, I don't remember that.

He only chopped down a cherry tree or whatever.

Wasn't that George Washington?

No, it's attributed to both of them.

They're both chopping down trees and whatever.

Those fucking bastards.

You guys plow through the back doors and run into the alleyways behind the broken leg, and you feel like you've stayed off the track of most of these people.

You think you were probably right that they were looping around.

You do realize that Pistachio probably does have a radio.

You've always seen him have one, and it's only a matter of time before he's at least out enough to be able to radio for some assistance.

That would have been a great thing to take from him retroactively.

Yeah, it would have been good.

It would have been real smart to go and take that.

What about that?

In the heat of the moment, I just didn't think of it.

We just have to kill him next time.

He's been witnessed to too much of our bullshit.

You have that same clearing that you had to cross last time you were escaping from here to get to Frida's alley, which is between you and your destination.

And as you start running across the clearing, you wait till it seems like no one's really around.

You don't know why, but it seems definitely sparser in town in these hours.

It did just recently become night, but there's less people out than you would expect.

And as you start sprinting across this gap, you hear a loud pop and Ocean, you slide to the ground, dive behind something, while Book, you look down, and you see right in your shoulder, there is a bullet wound that is bleeding extensively.

Hell yeah.

How much harm do I take?

You take three harm.

Oh baby.

All right.

That's a lot.

Which I think goes down to two.

Oh no, your armor is a cane.

That's three harm.

My armor is a cane sword now.

Your armor is a cane sword.

So that does not help you with this.

It doesn't deflect off the edge of the blade.

No, I think when you chose the cane sword, I specifically said not going to help you with bullets.

Yeah, and I'm fine.

I'm still fine with that.

The pain's not bad.

You're still like in shock, but you're just kind of dazed.

You like didn't jump out of the way.

I know exactly what that feels like from when I stabbed myself in the leg with a chisel.

So you're just kind of standing there in the opening for a second, and your eyes kind of look up, and you see across the way from you leaning out from an alley is one of Hickory's men who is holding up like a hunting rifle, and there's a small little spiral of smoke coming off the top of it.

Ocean grabs Book and pulls him down into the cover.

That hurts real bad.

But not before I flip him the bird.

Your other hand stays in the air for a second as you get yanked down, and you guys start skittering forward, but you hear a commotion around you as people seem to know your location and are heading toward you.

I thought they were trying to catch us.

They're just shooting at us.

They're just shooting us now.

They always do that.

Once we get to the spire, I'll patch you up, but we got to get there.

We got to get out of here.

There's too much heat.

Man, like two episodes ago, you broke my arm and then healed it right.

Like, I'm fine.

All right.

Well, let's just go.

Are you doing anything to try to throw them off your track trail?

I'm bleeding pretty heavily, so I don't know how useful that is going to be.

I got an idea.

And he's going to put his hand on Book's shoulder and get a bunch of his blood on it, and then turn to the nearest door and grab the handle of the door and put another hand on the surface to look like they twisted the door and went and pushed themselves way inside.

Nice.

Nice.

And then you guys are just leaving them behind and dashing.

And then we're just trying to try to book the opposite way.

Yeah, but we'll definitely be more careful to make it, to make sure we're leaving less, you know, evidence.

After you leave your mark in that door, you go and turn and sprint in a beeline towards outside, a little bit north of Maple's Place, where you know the spider is waiting for you.

Book, give me one more act under fire roll.

Come on, Book.

As you're potentially leaving a quite bloody trail behind you.

That was a six plus two plus two, I think.

It's cool, right?

So that's an eight.

Six plus two plus two is a ten.

I was about to say, what happened to your math skills there?

Full success?

Yeah, you got you make it back to the spider.

You see the spider waiting there.

Juniper is a little bit out of breath from this running.

And he was, well, you guys, they're just shooting you now.

And I'm trying to take you in.

I guess we were talking to the two Pistachio.

Can we get in the car before we have this conversation?

Yeah, he crawls in the back.

Ocean immediately, once everyone's in the car, he puts Vesuvius down into Book's lap.

And he puts the car into Subtropolis.

He's going to specifically navigate to an area that's pretty hard to see, that's pretty hard for people to follow them without the ability to grapple, like going over some kind of cliff sides.

And then when he gets to a spot where he thinks he can climb up the wall, he's going to climb up the wall so we can get to the top of Subtropolis or the top of Hamlet opening.

You won't have to go too far to be what you would consider outside of the range of them likely following you.

They don't have like a ton of vehicles.

They have some cars.

They mostly just deal with defense of the town, though, so you don't think they're going to follow you anywhere too difficult.

So you swirl back into the long dark, loop around towards Subtropolis, and get yourself to a place where you feel kind of safe.

But you're going to try to work your way back into town, along like the walls, and have like a big high vantage point.

Yes, maybe as long as we can.

We have binoculars, right?

Yeah.

I specifically remember actually us asking that question at one point, because that's where that stupid shovel argument happened way back when.

Yeah, I think we're going to perch ourselves in a spot that's on the outskirts of town, but we still have a good view of the town that we can see with the binoculars.

Specifically of Frida's Alley.

Book, you give me a read-a-citral.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

You're trying to figure out a good spot, nice safe spot to go where you're not going to be caught out.

Hell yeah.

That's another ten.

Lots of things add up to eight plus two.

Ask me four questions.

My questions are, What is my best way around Hickory's Men so they don't see us driving up the wall?

Two, what represents the best opportunity for us to hide on the ceiling and remain hidden for a long period of time without moving?

Three, what should I be on the lookout for?

And four, what poses the biggest threat to me?

Okay, for the best way to get around and unseen by Hickory's Men, it's going to be difficult no matter what, because you're a big floating thing in the air, right?

But it is pretty dark in here.

You're going to have to get...

The best way to avoid them would be to get high up early, basically as soon as you can on the wall, but that's also going to make it much more dangerous, right?

Because if anything goes wrong, you'll plummet much further, and you have to go a long distance at that high elevation.

Your best opportunity to remain hidden for a long period of time, ironically maybe, at least the way Alanis Morissette would say it, back behind the courthouse is probably one of the safer places to remain for a long amount of time.

It's high up, and you'll have good view of a lot of places, especially once things get a little more lit up.

There's not really any reason they would be looking for you there.

I dig that.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

For what you should be on the lookout for, this would be much easier if you could coordinate somewhat with someone on the ground to give you any sort of information on where they're going.

And you do have a radio that could talk to Johnny Hertz.

And your biggest threat, especially as you climb up on the outskirts here, you're going to be super visible from Subtropolis.

So anything in Subtropolis would probably be able to see you if they were looking in that direction.

Climb up on this wall.

All the lights from all the buildings give enough light off that you'll be quite visible.

So it would be hidden from the town, but Subtropolis would see us.

Yes, it's basically one or the other.

You can go back in through the long dark and try to go up in town, but you'll be making a lot more noise in a range of people who could potentially hear it.

Or here, there's no way anyone in town could hear you or really see you, but you're going to be very visible from long distances, especially with tall buildings and things.

You don't know which of those thousands of windows have people looking through them, so they could especially see you coming up a wall.

Doesn't mean they could do anything about it.

Especially because I just want to get to the Stakeout episode so bad.

I think if anyone sees us as well, then they'll probably just assume we're some kind of horror from the Maelstrom climbing the walls, right?

Because, I mean, I don't think many people have The Robocraft.

see cars climbing walls very often, so I think they'd just assume we'd be something terrible.

And the last time the wolf saw the spider, it had three wheels, and now it has four wheels.

It has four wheels now!

It's an actual all-around vehicle!

We get advantage on disguising ourselves from...

Now that's an entirely different vehicle that can climb walls.

It's got an extra tire.

Exactly.

It's like, wait, it can't be the same.

It looks identical except for the wheels, but that wheel was very distinct.

One wheel in the middle...

It looks so cool with one wheel!...

is way different than two wheels on either side.

Okay, so what approach do you guys want to take, and what are you trying to get?

We're gonna do the Subtropolis one, right?

Okay, climb up all the way from the bottom of the Subtropolis, up around the edge of the wall, and where are you trying to get to?

Above the courthouse?

Is that what we were saying?

Above the courthouse?

Ocean, give me a deal with bad terrain roll.

So roll plus cool plus handling.

Plus cool plus handling?

Okay, that's badass.

And plus one for acting on what Book just learned.

Badass!

This isn't a great eye.

Is that plus five?

That's plus three, plus one, and then I had two plus ones, you said?

Yeah, so plus five total.

Oh, that's badass.

I needed it.

I needed it, because I got snake eyes.

Yeah, so those five came in real handy there.

Am I allowed to help to make it a full success?

If you can give me a way you're helping him deal with bad terrain.

I got my mobile flashlight out, identifying bad terrain.

I got the binoculars out.

I'm identifying when people are looking in our direction.

I am passing him snacks, so he has both hands on the wheel.

I'm feeding him directly to his mouth like a mama bird.

Not my mouth to his mouth, my hand to his mouth.

Everyone knows that when you're off roading, you need two people to spot you, right?

Yes.

God, how did I roll sneak eyes on this one?

I could roll a three.

I could roll literally any other option, and I would have gotten...

Yeah, I had to roll a total of four.

That was innate, so it counts.

Bumps it up to a full success.

So, you go creeping up from the bottom of Subtropolis with Book hanging his head out the window, pointing out some safe spots, keeping an eye out for anyone who might notice you.

At one point, I get out, and I'm just walking on the wall.

You don't know how, but I'm like, I'm waving you forward like a traffic controller.

You've got the cane down, and you're using that to prop yourself up so you can walk on the side.

You make it to the top pretty close by the time you make it to near the top of the wall.

You're above Book's Cave, actually.

I'm still bleeding.

And then you slowly...

We'll fix it.

Don't worry.

Yeah.

Are you unstable?

Yeah.

Nice.

Are you unstable?

I'm at a nine.

Yeah, I took three harm.

I'll fix you up.

Don't worry, buddy.

I'll fix you up.

You slowly creep your way along the outskirts until you are nestled in the corner above the courthouse.

Looking down, you can see that backyard that previously housed a nice barracks and a few server rooms that has exploded and the courthouse proper and stretching in front of it the rest of the town, including, you get a pretty good view of at least two of the entrances and exits to Frida's alley.

So once we get positioned, there's two things Ocean really wants to do.

First thing Ocean wants to do is lay his hands on Book and say, here, let me fix that for you and try and...

Let me put my...

Try and...

Hands.

That's a song.

So he is going to Healing Touch Book and see if I can cure him a little bit.

That is...

Oh, wait, is that song Ass?

Is she saying Ass or Hands?

That is a seven.

In what song?

Let me Google this before I embarrass myself more.

So I'm going to heal your tissue damage and stop your bleeding.

I feel like that's probably the best choice there.

Ah, okay.

And then I'm going to remove any disease and purge any infection that you might have gotten from the bullet.

Gross bullet.

Because it's been left in you for probably about an hour now, I imagine.

Possibly longer.

So that's what I'm going to do with that.

So I have a song update.

The song I was singing of was Rocket by Beyonce, and it's Let Me Sit This Ass On You.

Not Let Me Put These Hands On You.

So you probably had the Kidz Bop one, I'm guessing, when you were younger.

That song's not that old.

Neither are you.

Yeah.

All right, whatever.

And after doing that, Ocean's going to turn to Juniper and say, Juniper, what has happened while we were gone?

We were only gone five days.

What's happened in the time that we've been out?

Well, it's been rough.

The power's been real spotty.

And you can even see up here, there's some lights flickering every once in a while.

Some will flicker and stay on, some will flicker and then go off.

And he takes a big breath.

And I don't know, Spade seemed to lose it.

I don't know what was going on.

But they up and quit without giving me any warning.

Then there was that explosion.

A lot of people think they did it.

People are hungry.

We've had some people go from lack of supplies.

Maple hasn't been doing shit the last few days.

There were a lot of shrapnel wounds from that explosion that I know you guys didn't do, but you know the one.

That's what we were gone for, actually.

We were trying to get supplies from Maple to actually start healing people again.

Yeah, and that made Hickory lose, I think, three men.

After it was all over, one of them got blown up right at the spot.

And then there were some other people who got injured through some shrapnel who didn't pull through.

And they all wanted retribution.

And there was no place to direct it to.

And then there were all those weird signs of Book holding up the head that were free to paint it all over the place.

And that video didn't make you guys look very good or much liked by certainly Hickory's men.

As we told Maple earlier, we did make a video, but the video that he described is not the same as the video that we actually filmed.

The video we filmed was more just to explain to Hickory what happened.

It wasn't meant to stir an uprising.

Well, it definitely had that effect.

And then you called yesterday, right?

Said you're coming back, some stuff like people were kind of excited about that.

Well, then next thing I knew, Pistachio was in my place, made me get in the back, and told me that you guys were coming here for a chat.

Who guarded your place prior to Spade?

I always remember your place being pretty safe.

Yeah, people like respected me back then.

I don't know what changed, but people used to not like step up on me at all.

Well.

I don't know, things have just gotten a little crazy.

I think you should hire Beethoven.

Book turns around, he has the binoculars to his eyes still, and he turns around and he looks at them both through the binoculars.

So you see his giant eyes.

And he goes, I think you should hire Beethoven.

Uh, Beethoven's kind of his own man.

I don't think he'd be okay sitting around all day.

He's always got things to do.

Well, it sounds like you at the very least have had a few fun fights.

He could have partook in what was Pistachio.

Was it just to eat was Pistachio there just to because we were there or was he there prior?

Yeah, he got there.

I was only in that back room for like 30 minutes.

All right.

It just looked like there was a struggle in there.

Well, no, that was probably Beethoven.

Oh, well, all that Beethoven.

Q laugh track.

Oh, Beethoven.

Six hours of listing things.

Book turns back ound, and he's got his binoculars to his eyes.

It seems, where is everybody?

It doesn't just seem like that.

It doesn't just, it seems like there's people missing.

I swear this place was more active when we were here.

Yeah, well, people aren't going out as much without having, knowing they have power.

Like, it's super unstable right now, and more people have had to go into Subtropolis to try to get stuff.

I don't know if they're all coming back, but people are, it's dangerous out there, you know.

Book turns around again, still with the binoculars pressed to his face, and he goes, Crandall said in Johnny Hertz's radio show that like 99% of the population is gone.

Yeah, that's not true.

Alright, fair enough.

Maybe I am full of people.

Speaking of.

Jinx!

Weird.

Yeah.

That was weird.

Johnny Hertz, we got to radio Johnny Hertz and ask him.

We need to get in contact with Johnny Hertz and Kalistra.

Well, no, no, we can't talk to Kalistra.

Kalistra is normally in contact with Frieda.

Don't you think she'd be a good one to talk to about this?

Kalistra has always been way more protective of Frieda's information than ours.

I guess that's true.

I don't.

I think Kalistra might be too close to this to help Frieda.

Which is weird, because Kalistra always acts like she doesn't care about the revolutionary shit, but Frieda is all about that revolutionary shit.

So I just don't know if we can trust Kalistra.

But Johnny Hertz, we know that he's not in direct contact with Frieda, but he knows that he was able to follow them.

Yeah, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, because he copied Frieda's sign for whenever she drops stuff for us to go find.

Right.

So, all right.

Yeah, okay.

I think you got some.

I get you.

I get you.

So I think we radio Johnny Hertz.

Not how his radio works.

Do you want to try to make sure he's not on air when you call or do you not?

No, we need to.

I think we should probably make sure he's not on air.

Because again, you imagine to be like, Hey, Johnny Hertz, we're hanging above the ceiling.

I kind of want to hear it, though.

Well, you could listen to the radio to see if he's on air.

And then wait for like an ad break to call.

We probably get a really good signal.

Ocean turns the radio on and tunes it into Johnny Hertz station and.

Gunshots rang out throughout the town today.

And then there's like a over the top sound effects that looks like it was downloaded from YouTube as an mp3 of like.

There's been some talk that maybe Book and Ocean have returned to slay Hickory Fleek.

We don't know.

They were last seen running out of the broken leg.

And since then, there's been no sign of Juniper.

And they like didn't even lock it up.

People have been taking all that alcohol for free.

And then there's like ching ching ching ching sounds.

And Juniper in the back is like, Motherfuck!

Ocean turrets to Juniper.

He's like, Sorry, man.

It was kind of a mad dash to get out of there.

We can help you find some alcohol.

We could have just left you.

I'm really not sure that this is really the real Book and Ocean.

I've been having this theory that people in town have been slowly getting changed into androids.

Now, let me ask you, Johnny Hertz, have you heard of the Ship of Theseus?

I have not, but that sounds like an excellent conversation for right after these commercial breaks.

Come down to the soggy water!

Introducing Crandall to Johnny Hertz is both the best and the worst thing I think we have done collectively as a group.

Okay, at that point, we're going to dial in.

Yeah, Johnny Hertz, kind of on the air, kind of on an ad break.

Who's this?

Hey, it's Book and Ocean.

Oh, hey, guys, I was just talking about you.

We know.

We're not killing anyone.

Stop saying that we're killing people.

Oh, not even Hagrid?

No, I mean, between you and me, like not his biggest fan, obviously, but we're not-

I heard you crushed every single bone inside of Pistachio Jones.

I feel like that's an exaggeration.

I feel like Crandall told you that.

I got a soundboard now.

It's really cool.

I got to show you it sometime.

And I got this really cool nut cracking sound that when I was describing the state of them, I was like, Pistachio Jones may have been cracked and I was like, My ball!

Is the soundboard you just poking Crandall's toes and him making noises with his mouth?

He makes a different sound each time.

But why are you calling?

What do you need to get another message out?

I'm going back on air in like a minute if you want to say anything.

Johnny, this is vitally important.

The night that you followed Frida to our to figure out how they got in contact with us.

We need to know everything about it.

What the silhouette of Frida looks like, what they were wearing, how they moved, everything you can give us.

Okay, let me put on like one extra ad because this may be more than one minute.

Click some buttons.

Well, I didn't see much.

They were wearing like really heavy cloak.

It went almost down to the ground.

It was like, you know, like a poncho is.

Yes.

Like that, but like more leathery.

And it went like all the way to the ground.

And they had they're wearing like, I don't know what they're called, like a ski mask, but not made of ski mask material.

I guess a mask is the word I'm looking for.

They made like they have they wore some sort of mask that went all the way around their head.

So I didn't get any like any holes for eyes, mouth, or was it?

I'm guessing I'm guessing from the front, but they were always like hunkered over kind of skittering from shadow to shadow.

It was all black, the leathery poncho and the mask.

It was more of like a dark brown or there's my graze in there.

And what about the silhouette mask masculine feminine in between?

Like a spider monkey, like graceful though.

Or like a like a panther.

I have a collection of zoo books.

That's the only reason I know all these things.

So not...

It definitely wasn't like a big dude.

It wasn't like someone Beethoven size.

Someone strong lanky.

More lanky, not ocean shaped.

Also not book shaped, somewhere between ocean.

Did you see where they originated, Johnny?

I tried to follow them just because I thought it'd be a good scoop.

My main plan was to figure out where they left stuff for you.

How did you know who to follow?

Oh, I staked out forever.

I mostly just watched Ocean's Place and waited until they put something there.

You didn't follow them when they left to see where they went?

No, I did.

I tried to figure out who they were because I thought that'd be an extra bonus scoop.

That would be really good for my show.

I'd probably get a lot of hits where I could try to get them on, you know, at least.

I probably wouldn't blow up their spot just for nothing.

But they went back through town, and it was clear they were purposefully taking, trying to lose someone who was tailing them, even though there's no way they could have seen me.

I'm discreet.

When I decide...

You guys haven't seen me in my sneaky personality.

When I go sneak mode, I cannot be tracked.

So I know they didn't...

No, sneak mode.

But they were making all sorts of random turns that ended up doubling back on themselves in the town.

But I lost them, like, somewhere near the courthouse.

And if I had to bet all my biscuits, I'd say...

Hey, it's someone from in there.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Oops!

All Apocalypses.

Remember to shoot us an email with some questions you have for our upcoming Talkpocalypse episode.

Those can go to oops at stu.cool, oops at stu.cool, or add them to that Spotify thingy.

This week, the music and editing was performed by Stu Masterson.

Brady McDonough made that logo, and all of the maps that you guys haven't seen that we talked about during this episode.

And Jacob brings all our pennies down to the train track and flattens them up for us.

Love you, bye.

I eat your kiwi.

I bite the fur and slurp it right up.