032: Intimacy, Creating Lasting Love & the 6-second Kiss

Artwork for podcast Women's Wellness ON AIR WITH ELLA

Episode 32 • 14th June 2015 • Women's Wellness ON AIR WITH ELLA • Ella Lucas-Averett

Healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio. The 5 to 1 ratio is for every one negative thing that's said or done. Healthy couples, successful couples do or say five positive things.

So there's a huge imbalance of positivity for the negative thing that happens.

Ella: 00:00:19

Welcome. You're on air with Ella, where we share simple strategies and truths from people who are doing something better than we are.

Whether it's wellness or fitness and fat loss to just living better and with more energy or changing your mindset to accomplish more in your own life and succeeding however you define it. This is where we share the best of what we're learning from the experts, and we're learning more every day. Live better. Start now. Hi, everyone.

You're on air with Ella. And today we're taking a little turn. We are talking to a relationship coach who has worked with over 300 couples.

He participated in the nation's largest research project on marital success and parents parenting. But I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Luis Congdon. Hey, Luis, how are you?

Luis: 00:01:09

Hey, it's great to be here. Honored.

Ella: 00:01:11

I am thrilled to have you on today, and I am excited to share this content with our listeners. And I want to just say, because I've mentioned it twice already in your intro, we're not just talking to people who are married, are we, Luis?

Luis: 00:01:25

No, we're talking to anybody who has ever had any relationship in their life. So we're talking to everybody has had.

Ella: 00:01:32

One or wants one or would like a better one. How's that sound?

Luis: 00:01:36

Well, hopefully everything that we share today also applies to the relationship that you have with your mom, your dad, your best friend, because all relationships are a key foundation of our health. So, you know, all of them share similarity.

Ella: 00:01:49

So why don't you tell people how we got started on this conversation? I mean, why would we talk about relationships on a nutrition, fitness and and wellness mindset podcast, Luis?

Luis: 00:02:00

Yeah, definitely.

Well, I noticed a trend with a lot of other health shows that a lot of times when we think about health, we tend to get very kind of secluded into this area of let's focus on what I eat, let's focus on my fitness, let's focus on my workouts. So it's very body centric, and yet our bodies are also something that we have a deeper relationship to that goes beyond food and nutrition.

We have relationships with others, and those relationships impact our health. And so I reached out to you thinking, hey, this is something that your audience can really, you know, use to amp up their health and be healthier.

In their life.

Ella: 00:02:38

So true. And a couple things that you touched on there that I want to call out.

I mean, first of all, what I always say is the world does not need another kale and squats podcast. Do you know what I mean? Like, we have enough people telling us to eat kale, count our macros and do some squats. Like I got it.

The thing that I love to talk about, although I'm not afraid to talk about nutrition, obviously, what I love to talk about is personal development and overall wellness and mindset and everything. So you really struck a chord with me. And of course I'm familiar with your work, Luis.

And so I was excited to bring this to the forefront and talk to everybody. But you shared something with me that was so interesting.

You shared a statistic that blew my mind about the health of relationships and your personal health.

Luis: 00:03:22

Yes. So first I want to introduce the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman from the University of Washington.

Just as a qualifier there for you as a listener, that this is bonafide research, actually the first research that's been quantified and is backed by major universities. So this isn't opinion based work. This is actually something that's been repeated and done in labs.

So there's a ratio that the University of Washington and the Gottmans came up with and it's called the seven to one ratio. And what that really means is for every seven negative things or things said or done to us by our partner, we get sick one time a year.

And if you just check with yourself, it's probably going to be pretty self evident that this could be easily true. I mean, we all know an unhealthy couple. And by unhealthy we mean that they don't seem to have a good relationship.

And if we look at that couple, we'll notice that they seem to have a lot of headaches, a lot of tension. They get sick more often, they're maybe reclusive or just being around them as a couple doesn't make us feel very good.

And that's a direct impact of people's behavior, does actually impact our health and how we feel.

Ella: 00:04:31

Okay, so that is so interesting because of course I'm not as familiar with the data as you are and I don't know if that's causation or correlation, but I don't think it really matters at the end of the day because the point that you're making, which I fully accept, is that when you are in an unhealthy relationship, that is cause for just Constant stress.

Luis: 00:04:56

Right, right, right. Well, when we look at causation and correlation, correlation is just looking at, let's say a bunch of people got sick on a Tuesday.

We'd go, oh, Tuesdays make people sick. But we also need to look at other variables. You know, what was the weather like, was there things happening?

But when you can take over 3,000 couples, study them for a period of over 30 years and you know, you get a major university backing that research, we can take a lot of correlation out of the picture. But again, you know, like you, you don't have to be a scientist or a genius to figure this out.

There's people that we spend time with that we immediately go, oh my God, I just don't feel good being around this person. And we know that if we minimize our time with that person, we're just going to be a lot healthier, that is happier.

So it's, you know, for me it's not so much about the statistics, it's just, it helps to hear those.

Ella: 00:05:50

Well, and I want to add though that in that statistic, tell us the actual data point again. For every X there's a Y. Tell us that data point again.

Luis: 00:06:00

Yeah, for every seven put downs or negative types of behaviors.

And there's pretty specific things that we're talking about, so, which is criticism, defensiveness, put downs, being treated kind of like a child, those kind of things, disrespect those types of behaviors, or comments, we get sick. For every seven one of those, we get sick one time a year.

Ella: 00:06:22

Okay. So the other thing I want to call out there that I find fascinating is we're not just talking to people who are in bad or abusive relationships.

Like that statistic applies to people who are in pause relationships. Right. I mean, unless you know someone who's in a relationship and they've literally never been critical of one another.

Luis: 00:06:42

Right, well, right.

And we're also, you know, if you look at Jim Rohn, one of the most famous self help people, one of the things that he said is you're the average of the five people that you spend the most time with.

And so if you're spending time, time with people that are constantly being negative, putting you down, that's probably only going to put you mentally internally, you know, kind of you're going to inflict that sense of self hatred or disdain for yourself and you're going to internalize it. So it's very important that we focus on having healthy relationships.

And that's what I specialize in, is helping couples have the types of relationships that work, and not only that, support their health on a full, wholesome level.

Ella: 00:07:21

Okay, so let's jump in today, because here's what I'd like to do.

I'd like to start with the premise that if you are in a relationship that you know is toxic, and as you pointed out, Luis, that does not necessarily mean a romantic partnership, does it?

Luis: 00:07:35

Not at all.

Ella: 00:07:36

Right. That can be family, that can be friends, that can be any number of combinations therein.

And if you are in an unhealthy relationship, or one that is toxic for you, or less dramatically, one that is, frankly, something you've outgrown and just isn't in alignment with your goals and your values and your purpose. Let's operate under the hypothesis today that if that's the case for you, that needs addressing.

If that's the environment that you have immersed yourself in, in your home or in your family or friendships, then that needs addressing or you are not going to be able to get your life in balance or in alignment. Right.

Luis: 00:08:17

Exactly. Yeah.

Ella: 00:08:18

Okay. So let's spend the rest of our time, though, if we accept that as true.

What if we talk today to the people who are in relationships and they're fine, but they could be better, or people who want to be in an outstanding relationship. Can we. Can we talk to that group today?

Luis: 00:08:35

Definitely.

And I think one of the things that happens when we start talking about unhealthy relationships, it's very easy for people to start analyzing either their intimate relationship or the relationship they have with some very special people in their lives. And they think, oh, my gosh, I gotta dump that friend, or, you know, I should be with this person.

And what this work is really more about is how can we improve and how can we notice the things that aren't working so that we can make them better? So we don't want to start with the idea that we need to get rid of something to make it better.

Instead, we want to look at how we can improve ourselves and look at the dynamics that aren't working so we can make it better. I just.

I think that's pretty important because sometimes I'll talk about what an ideal or healthy relationship looks like and the science behind that. And people are like, oh, I need to break up with my boyfriend. That's it. And it's like, no, that's not what I'm saying.

It's, you know, if your workout isn't working, it doesn't mean you should stop working out. It means maybe you want to analyze what you're doing and tweak it a bit.

Ella: 00:09:34

All right, very well said. Very well said. Yeah, we don't want on air with Ella to be responsible for loads of breakups after the show. We're here to build bridges.

All right, Luis, let's jump in then. You said two important things. You said the first thing that you need to do is notice what's not working. Talk to me about that.

How do you coach people to do that? Where do you start?

Luis: 00:09:55

Definitely. Well, when people come to work with me, you know, it's not because everything is dandy.

I mean, I would say maybe 0.1% of couples that come with me say, you know, things are working great. We just want to tweak it a little bit better and make it even more awesome.

But most people that come to a relationship coach are, you know, there's something that's not working so well, and they clearly know that. And the first thing that I'll notice is the way that they talk about problems, because that's where most of the breakdowns are at.

If we look at somebody at a gym, for example, and we're watching the way that they squat, you can notice all the body dynamics and it's the same place or the same thing when you watch someone talking about a problem.

One of the key things that happens when people discuss issues is that they don't tend to listen to each other in a way that's conducive to resolution and our understanding. And most people, what they do is they don't take responsibility for the problem. They just use a lot of you language.

So, you know, this is happening because of you, Ella. You just never listen to me. And if you would just listen and you just be quiet, then, you know, things would be okay.

But it's kind of like that is what a lot of people are doing. So the first thing that I really start with couples is I watch how they're listening and taking each other's information in.

And then we work to kind of tweak what's occurring with the way that they listen and the way that they speak to each other. And the first thing that we want to do is just take on full responsibility for your experience.

If this is happening for me and I don't like it, I must be a part of the problem.

Ella: 00:11:29

I love that because one of the first things to go in an intimate relationship, including familial, is accountability. Right. I mean, I, I, maybe that's not true, but that seems to be my observation.

You're like the first sense that Goes is your sense of personal accountability. Right?

Luis: 00:11:47

You did this, right? Right. Yeah, we want to blame other people.

You know, a relationship coach once just kind of joked with me and he said, you want to make your life easier, just start blaming other people for your life.

Ella: 00:11:59

I heard somebody say something outstanding. They were talking to somebody who was going through a struggle at the time. I don't know if it was the husband or the wife. Let's say the husband.

The husband was saying, she did this, she did this, she did this. And frankly, what she had done was not great at all by anyone's definition. But he said to me, the counselor said to him, you are 100% accountable.

And his jaw kind of dropped. And the counselor said, you are 100% accountable for you. And she is 100% accountable for her.

There is 200% accountability in any two person relationship.

Luis: 00:12:38

Mm, definitely. You know, it's. Recently my partner and I were kind of.

I was getting really frustrated with her because we were working on this project and I didn't feel like she was supporting me enough. And I didn't feel like she was coming in and helping me in the way that I wanted her to help.

And just in the language that I'm using, it becomes more apparent that, you know, it was about me. I didn't like the way she was doing things. I didn't like that she wasn't helping me enough. She wasn't being supportive enough.

That's the kind of language I was getting into just in my head. And there seemed to be kind of a stuck point, like I wasn't getting the kind of help and support that I wanted.

And I had to really just ask myself, you know, who do I have to be in order to make it so? The person that loves me the most on the planet other than my parents, and supports me more than anyone else on the planet.

Who do I have to be to make it so she doesn't feel inspired and motivated and wants to come and help me? That's a very different type of question. Right. Because I am kind of a leader in this project.

Who do I have to be that I am not communicating my ideas clearly enough and bringing her in in a way that makes her go, oh, okay, that's what I need to do. Abcd, let me get on it. And so the questions change and then the answers change.

So then I came back to her and I said, hey, you know, I realized I haven't been expressive enough about my vision. And I know that you're someone that really likes a clear Path of A, B, C and D. And I haven't been giving you that. So it's.

It's no wonder that you've been kind of confused and haven't really able to get started on supporting this project that we're working on. And she said, you know, I really appreciate you saying that.

And I also want to acknowledge that, you know, I've been confused about kind of some of the projects that I'm working on. So I've been kind of all over the place. And I'm sorry that you've kind of been left on the sideline with some of that. That conversation.

I mean, just telling you that story feels good to me and my body compared to the one where I was blaming her.

Ella: 00:14:40

Yeah. And then the resentment builds, right. And you either deal with it out of anger or you don't deal with it and the resentment keeps building.

Or you're passive aggressive. Right. Those are kind of our human tendencies, I would suppose.

Luis: 00:14:52

Oh, totally, totally.

And, you know, when we bring that back to health, it's, you know, have you ever had this, you know, I'm asking you, ello, or the listener as well, to think about. Have you ever just experienced yourself being angry at somebody and your body's tense.

Next thing you know, your neck's hurting and it just seems like you're having a horrible day and you're almost not sure why, but you know, it's because you've been upset all day.

Ella: 00:15:15

Oh, I mean, without question.

And yesterday, because I operate a business and I also operate another business in partnership with my husband, and so we also have to work together constantly. And I was completely stressed out about something that I was just like super quick and critical and like, you know, I call it my machine gun mode.

And about. It took me about 20 minutes to be like, wow, I just machine gunned all over him.

So I went back to him and I was like, I went back to him to say I'm sorry. I just completely. I'm stressed. I'm torqued up and I just should not have spoken to you. Like a machine gun.

And so I went to find him and he actually was in a meeting, so I couldn't reach him. And so then I was like. Then I was like, physically uncomfortable. I was completely stressed. I couldn't focus.

Like, I really wanted to sort it out with him. And we weren't even in a fight. I just had. I just felt responsible for kind of a jerky dynamic and I wanted to resolve it.

So, I mean, you take that and you, you apply that to somebody who's in an unhealthy relationship. And I don't think it's too far a stretch to say that this type of thing over time. This is where chronic disease comes from.

I mean, one of the factors. It is most definitely a variable.

Luis: 00:16:33

Well, right now, you know, the medical science field, one of the key diagnoses that people are walking away with is, oh, it's just stress. I read a report in the book by Daniel Goldman.

Some renowned doctor, you know, had said that if 80, 90% of his patients just learn to breathe properly and relax their bodies, that 80 to 90% of the sickness or illness that his clients were experiencing would go away.

Ella: 00:17:01

That is startling and empowering because we do have choices. Right? And we do have control. Okay? We are talking about watching for these behaviors, about being accountable. And I love the question that you asked.

You said, who do I have to be? And.

But as a business owner, too, I can appreciate this if your sales aren't where they want to be, where you want them to be, rather, or if your project's not moving along the way that you like. You know, in business, I see all the time, I see us blaming the team or blaming this person or saying, what is wrong with them?

Like, I've told them what to do. If you flip that script and you say, what kind of leader do I need to be in order to inspire that action or drive that action? That completely fits.

It flips the script, doesn't it?

Luis: 00:17:44

Oh, yeah. It changes things.

And it also makes it easier when you approach somebody about the problem and you say, hey, you know, I've been noticing that we've been having this issue at work, and I'm not sure what I'm doing in regards to helping the team stay motivated in this area.

Ella: 00:17:58

Well, and you mentioned Kamala. And first of all, you two have, like, the most evolved conversations on planet Earth, obviously.

However, I appreciate absolutely the principle behind what you're saying, even though I might be a little bit clumsier than you are in saying it. But I bet when you approached Kamala that way, she didn't get her backup, did she?

Luis: 00:18:19

Oh, it was transformational. And this problem had been around for a few days, and I'd been kind of holding some resentment.

And it's just my belief that anytime I'm doing anything in my life, if there's something that's not working and happening with the kind of ease that I like to experience life with, then there is something in my thinking and in my behavior that needs to be corrected. It's not so much trying to, you know, grudge through the project.

Some sort of thinking or behavior mechanism that I'm putting into place that is creating that stuckness.

Ella: 00:18:51

Okay, so this is what we're doing. We're noticing. We are looking for opportunities to be accountable. What else are we doing, Luis?

Luis: 00:18:59

Yeah, definitely one of the other key things, you know, when people get into the self help and self development, we get into this huge habit that's for me, highly erroneous. And that's when we start thinking about what am I doing wrong? And focusing on this wrongness.

Like it's, it's great to take personal accountability to the extent that it will help you move to the next level of, okay, how can I correct this and what kind of result would I like? Right? So we go back to the kind of positive space healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio.

And what a 5 to 1 ratio means is for every one negative behavior or statement that is said or done. So just so everybody knows is I make tons of mistakes in my relationship.

And every single couple that I've met that I consider to be the most phenomenal couple on the planet, they make mistakes, they get mad at each other, they say things that don't, aren't, sound, aren't so nice or don't sound so great. So with that being said, the 5 to 1 ratio is for every one negative thing that's said or done.

Healthy couples, successful couples, do or say five positive things. So there's a huge imbalance of positivity for the negative thing that happens.

And so this for a lot of people may feel unnatural because that means that you're going to be giving a lot more compliments, a lot more things of affection than you think are necessary. But a healthy relationship is really built on positivity and affection and affirmation and acknowledgment.

Ella: 00:20:30

I love this because. And of course, everything I'm saying, you're the expert here. You've counseled hundreds of people. I'm completely anecdotal sample pool of one.

But my anecdotal argument would be that when you're dating somebody, it's like a 10 to 1 ratio, right? I mean, if anything, it might be a hundred to one ratio. It's all goodness and love and compliments. And then it's.

It's so ironic to me that the longer you're in relationship with somebody, the more narrow and narrow and narrow that ratio becomes and reverses itself, right? So you might tell them one nice thing for every 30 critical things or constructive things that you're trying to offer them. Right?

Luis: 00:21:11

Yeah.

You know, in my relationship, one of the key things that my partner Kamala has really taught me is to be more affirmative, to say more positive things, and to do more little behaviors that show her how much I love her. And as a male who's already fairly expressive, and I think to.

I think of myself as being fairly kind of on more on the sensitive side for a man, and yet she's taught me how to bring more of that sensitivity to her in a way that, you know, speaking about love languages, to bring that kind of love language to her. Right.

Ella: 00:21:47

And still keeping your man card. Right.

Luis: 00:21:49

I. You know, there's no way I can't be a man. I'm just. I just am.

Ella: 00:21:55

And I apologize because I'm saying it's Kamala. Right. And I'm saying her name wrong. Okay, so apologies to Kamala.

So, Luis, that's important because a lot of times our guys who are listening, they might. When they hear the sensitive word, their eyes might roll into the back of their head. And I want to be really clear, all right.

If we're talking about women and men, women love a man to be a man. Right? But that doesn't mean he has to be a knuckle scraping, insensitive Neanderthal. Like, there's a balance. Right.

Luis: 00:22:24

You know, I used to have this idea so confused in high school. I used to think that I wasn't the type of guy that women would be interested in, because I like to express how I feel about things.

I like to really be honest and forward about what's. What's up for me and what's going on.

And maybe it was part of it, too, is that in high school, a lot of people weren't ready for the type of person that I wanted to be and hope to be. But when I was in college and later on in life, I found that it was actually incredibly helpful for me.

Just if I'm hanging out with someone and I find her attractive just to say, hey, I'm really enjoying my time with you and I'd love to see you again, or to say, just flat out, I'm really attracted to you, I would love to go on a few dates. There's nothing emasculating about that at all.

So there's a way that as a male, you can say, I'm feeling really sad right now, and I'm feeling hurt, and I would love to talk to you about what's going on, or I'm Scared to talk to you about it. There's nothing emasculating about that at all.

Ella: 00:23:27

Not in the slightest. And thank you for expressing that so well.

Okay, so then if we are still in the notice phase before we get into the how to improve, although we're talking about both, really, do you have any other tips or observations that we should be making?

Luis: 00:23:43

Yeah, one of the ones is, and this is a giveaway for everybody, so I'm going to be giving everybody in the audience who's listening a giveaway and they can go to the On Air with Ella show website and grab this and it's completely free. So one of the things that I highly advise couples, no matter how long you've been together is, you know, make sure to make some time for dates.

This is especially crucial for couples who have children and full time jobs. Right. It's just what happens when we live together and have kids.

Kids is our life becomes kind of like a large to do list and priorities and our partnership tends to kind of reach the bottom. Right. So it's get everything done and then at the end of the day maybe I'll give you a hug and a kiss if there's time.

So make sure to build out some sort of schedule for yourselves that you know you're going to go on a date. And dates can be really simple. And it's for that reason. I made a list of 47 awesome date nights. And these are simple.

One of the ones that I would like to add is a couple told me about their bedroom dates. You know, and so just they stay in their bedroom and just hang out and cuddle and chat in the bed.

So date nights can be date days or nights can be really simple. And I've also included a fun game for couples to take while they're on that date.

One of the things that happens that's really crucial for a couple to have a healthy relationship is they need to have fun together. So I made a game. It actually comes from the work of John and Julie Gottman again.

And this game is just something that guarantees that you'll have fun while you're out and it'll give you something you can focus on. Because if you have kids and you have work and blah, blah, blah, you're gonna probably end up trying to talk about that stuff.

And then it kind of takes the zaps the fun out of the date. So play the game. And the key thing about the game is it's a love map. It's a love map game.

And what this really means is Love mapping is a technique that we found to be highly beneficial for couples, and it's of the key skills that healthy couples have. So before I tell you what it is, let me just ask you.

Have you ever been in, like, kind of a heated situation with somebody that knows you pretty well?

Things are starting to feel really uncomfortable, and then one of you just busts out a joke, and next thing you know, both of you are laughing and there's like, no problem.

Ella: 00:25:56

Probably only four or five times a week.

Luis: 00:26:01

Yeah, that strikes me as you.

So if you're a listener or, you know, Ella, one of the things that we know about that is the only way that one of you could bust out a joke that works for both of you, especially in a situation where both of you are feeling kind of tense, is because you know each other and you know each other well enough that you can make a joke that's targeted for that person, and it works. What that is really displaying is two people that know each other well. Love mapping, that's all it is, is knowing your partner well.

But what happens over time is that both of us are changed. Both of us are also going through our daily lives apart. And then we come together and we don't update the maps of each other.

And over time, the longer we've been, the more things that we tend to assume about each other. You know, my partner loves Chinese food. It's always been that way. That's the way it is.

My partner's best friend is so and so, and that's the way it is. But just like children can have one day, that changes everything, so can your partner.

But what we need to do in order to stay up to date is we need to update that map. Just like a GPS in a city needs to be updated so that we can navigate it clearly and with clarity and get to where we want to.

We also need to have some sort of GPS system to navigate our partner's internal world. What are their fears, their hopes, their likes, their dislikes, what's going on in their life?

And we can do that, you know, by asking what's going on in your life. But another way that we can do it is we can come up with new and interesting questions to delve deeper into our partners in internal world.

This is kind of what we do when we're infatuated with somebody during that romantic stage. You know, want to stay up until like three or four in the morning finding out what kind of food you like and why you like it that way.

But over time, we don't tend to do that as much.

So with this game I've created for you, you can take it out on your date and you can ask some new and fun and exciting questions and update your love maps, which is going to guarantee that you have more intimacy and closeness.

Ella: 00:27:54

I love it.

And one of the reasons I love it is because people who might otherwise find it very awkward to try to restart that dialogue when they haven't had that kind of dialogue with their partner in years. People who struggle with the concept of starting that conversation, you've just given them the means to do it.

They can even treat it like it's just a game. They can have fun with it or they can say, hey, let's try this. It'll be different.

But it gives them a lever, right, that they didn't have or that they might feel awkward about just creating themselves.

Luis: 00:28:26

You know, it's fun because I taught this at a, at a small little church. I go just anywhere and everywhere that couples are. I like to offer these classes.

And so I went to a small church and there was this Latin couple there. They'd been married for over 20 years. I mean, they had children that were older than me. So that gives you an idea of how long they've been together.

Their marriage was 20 plus years, but their, you know, couple of them was way longer than that. And at the end of the class, the wife was just all, just bright eyed and, you know, she was just all happy.

And they were, I mean, they look like a young, like 15 year old couple.

It's, it's amazing to be with a couple that's been together for incredibly long time and yet they're just as passionate about each other as like, you know, teenagers. So one of the things that I just, I looked over at him and I was like, wow, you guys look really excited, like, what happened?

And the husband said, you know, playing that game, I got so much closer to my wife. We've been together for such a long time. But I know one of the things that makes this close is that every day we want to learn about each other.

I was like, well, what's one thing that you learned? And he said, well, I learned that her favorite color used to be green. And for years I've thought it was green.

So, you know, I'll buy her green dresses and green things and just focus on green. And he said, today I found out that it's now blue. And he just smiled and he said, and that's fun for me because I love getting her gifts.

And so Now I can pick out new, cool things that are blue. Blue, you know, and it might sound simple to everybody, but it's really not.

Because the more that your partner feels and that you feel that your partner's interested in you, think about that kind of connection and intimacy that creates. Now he's going to have fun and pick out gifts for her. He gets excited about that. So imagine how she feels. Ooh, new gifts. And he knows me better.

Ella: 00:30:14

The things that make our relationships work or fail miserably, they are simple, aren't they?

Luis: 00:30:19

Yeah, they're always simple. Every problem that I've ever encountered with couples, I would say 99% of them actually have been incredibly simple.

You know, they're simple stuff, but we can hang on to simple things and blow them up.

Ella: 00:30:32

You have seen so many couples and so many different people.

Can you pull out really quickly some of the key detriments, like, what are the things we are constantly doing in our relationships that are screwing us up? What rises to the top in your mind when I ask you that question?

Luis: 00:30:48

Well, one of the first ones is not planning and enough time to have fun. I think for busy couples, it's just really easy for couples to get into this kind of space of being employees together.

So we're employed to, you know, pay the bills together. We're employees together to feed the children. We're employees together to maintain the house.

And so couples don't plan enough time outside of the house or outside of their normal routine to do something fun and something new. And something. Something fun can be incredibly simple.

Like, you know, take a walk through your neighborhood, you know, do something exciting, maybe, you know, go play video games together. I don't know, whatever it might be for you guys, just try something new.

What research has actually shown is that when couples do a new activity, something that they've never done together, something that ideally both of them haven't done together, what happens in their brain is their neurons start to fire in the exact same way in this exact same places that happened when they first fell in love. Love. And so what we're doing is reactivating those love neurons and those love chemicals.

So that's one of the first things that I can really think of that's really important for couples to think about. The second one is not taking enough responsibility. Right.

So the more that you can take responsibility for the results in your relationship, and you can come back to your partner and speak from that place, hey, I'm noticing, you know, we haven't been having enough fun in our relationship. And I really, it's part of it is probably because I haven't been making myself available enough.

You know, I'm curious, would Saturday at this time work for you? So this responsibility piece can be quite simple. It doesn't have to be this big, long, drawn out thing about something that's wrong about you.

Can just be very simple and quick and we can ask for a new result that we want all within, you know, the same paragraph of sharing. And then the third thing for me, I really think is that couples sometimes over time, stop touching often enough. Enough.

And women, you know, from my perspective and from what I've noticed is women oftentimes need a lot more touch than men really think that they need. And this is actually really healthy for men to think about because research has shown that men who are in a relationship live longer than single men.

Men who are married live longer than men in a relationship. Men who are married and have a child live longer. This, this is all statistically speaking. I think there's different reasons for why that is.

You know, again, back to that causation correlation.

But I speculate that part of the reason is that men who are married and in a relationship and with maybe one child tend to get a lot more touch and they also have a lot more purpose for their life. You know, they have to live for someone else, which can be very beneficial for our drive as humans to live and to give and to serve.

But coming back to just, you know, your relationship, relationship, and no matter where you're at, touch is incredibly important. Eight hugs a day. The research by Dr. Paul J.

Zach has found that eight hugs a day actually increases your longevity and meets your daily need for touch and connection with other human beings. Now, Dr. Paul J. Zach is a professor, but yet he's implemented this into his life to assure that he's healthier.

And one of the ways that he's done that is when he meets with students, he says two things at the very beginning of their meetings.

First, he says, I just want to let you know that I want to do everything that I can to make this the most valuable meeting that I can with you, and please let me know how I can do so. And number two, at the end of this meeting, I'm going to ask you for a hug.

And if that's okay with you and you feel comfortable with it, I'd love to hug you.

And that's interesting to think of a professor in one of the most kind of like rigorous professional spaces you can think of a professor being in a person being in.

And yet he tries to hug most of his students because he knows that that increases his oxytocin level, therefore enhancing his happiness and longevity in life. But also it increases trust between both people. It creates a stronger connection.

So I just strongly encourage people that are listening to this if you want. One tip to walk away with today is start asking for more hugs or more handshakes if that's your thing.

But the more touch that you get in your life, the healthier you're going to be.

Ella: 00:34:58

Luis, you're freaking me out with this professor.

Luis: 00:35:01

Right, I know.

Ella: 00:35:02

It's.

Luis: 00:35:02

It's really interesting. And yet Dr. Paul J. Zach, like, you talk to him, he's just like, an amazing guy.

Ella: 00:35:08

Yeah, I had a boss like that when I was 18, but I'm not sure he had read the same data.

Luis: 00:35:14

Yeah, yeah, I don't. You know, I. I didn't ask him how that came across to his. To his students and people that meet him because. Because I.

I can't imagine having a professor say that to me. I never hugged a single professor while at the university.

Ella: 00:35:29

Well, rather than dwell in my immaturity, let's talk about the really important point that you made, because I'm a huge believer in this, and I want to reiterate what you're saying. The power of touch.

This is so powerful as a parent to a child, when you can, as your child grows, to still maintain the power of touch with them and still. Still hug them and still kiss them, even when they're ornery and grumpy teenagers, et cetera, et cetera.

But in a marriage that goes so quickly with so many people, my husband and I get teased all the time for acting like teenagers because we love to hold hands and not be. I am not talking about ridiculous displays of affection that are not appropriate for social settings that are, like, showy in some way.

I mean, that's not what I'm talking about.

Luis: 00:36:18

Right. No. I even read a study recently.

Sorry to interject, but I read a study recently that was showing that couples that sleep farther apart than they used to is a strong indicator of the level of intimacy, but also can be an indicator of, like, a divorce or a separation coming. And so couples, one of the suggestions is, like, if you used to sleep close together, find a way to sleep close together again.

Ella: 00:36:43

Geez, we're gonna freak people out. But there's a real point here, isn't there?

And I mean, just because that touch is vulnerable, like, you actually have to be a little bit vulnerable to. To physically and literally reach out. Right.

So once that wall goes up or that distance is created, that is a very difficult bridge to cross, if you know what I mean.

I'm mixing metaphors all over the place, but once enough time goes by or too much resentment builds up, actually reaching out and making that physical connection is vulnerable. Don't. Do you find that to be the case?

Luis: 00:37:19

Yeah, it can be a vulnerable space to come into. But, you know, it's. It's interesting that a lot of the things that scare us are. Oftentimes the things that are. Can be the most healthy for us.

You know, like telling the truth about something, expressing to somebody that we've been hurt by something. Something reaching out to somebody and asking for touch. Or after an argument, coming back and saying, you know, things didn't work out so well.

Can we talk about it? That's a vulnerable. All of those are vulnerable spaces.

Or when we have dreams and goals, you know, that are exciting, whether it is, you know, you want to lose weight and you want to tell your friends about it and that you need their support, those are all vulnerable spaces to go into. And yet oftentimes those are the things that are the most beneficial to us.

Ella: 00:37:59

That is so true. And when you're really. When you really break this down, what you're saying is you're talking about the person that you are in relationship with.

You need to be able to find a space where you're comfortable bridging that gap. And for those people who don't feel like there's a big gap there, maybe they're just negligent. Like we're just.

We get busy, we get distracted, and we act employed with one another. I love that analogy because it's so true. You're employed in the business of running your household or running your life with one another other.

And so you lose that sense of touch. And it's just. It makes such. Such a difference, doesn't it?

Just the power of holding hands or touching, like I said, like the back of their neck or some. Something. I'm saying something that somewhere that if somebody else did it, it would be weird. Like that's what actually makes it intimate, right?

Luis: 00:38:48

Yeah.

And also, you know, part of the vulnerability is that whenever we exchange touch with someone, we're also exchanging a deeper level of emotional exchange change.

And so when we hold somebody for an extended period of time, what usually tends to happen is our breathing changes, our body and physiological being changes. So everything in us is changing. And now we're syncing up in a way that Gives us a real depth of empathy and connection.

And if we can't have that with our intimate partner, then we're probably missing a lot of intimacy. Right? An ability to see into each other, an ability to connect with each other.

So if you're afraid of, of that vulnerability, I would encourage you to bring more of that fear out to the open and just, you know, look at it and then bring it to your partner and try exchanging some of those hugs and those kisses. Dr. John and Julie Gottman suggest a six second kiss. And Gottman jokingly calls it a kiss with opportunities.

Ella: 00:39:46

Love it. So this is what I've got.

And everybody knows that when we post the show that they can go to onairwithella.com and they can just type in Luis and this post will come up and they will find your giveaway, the love map and the date nights, which I love. You're wonderful for sharing that with us. Thank you. But also, you've given us all these tips.

We've got the five to one ratio, we've got the eight hugs a day and a six second kiss. Like I'm gonna start putting the stuff in my phone. I'm gonna have a reminder to hug anyone eight times a day. It's gonna go off.

So God help you if you're.

Luis: 00:40:19

See, today I'm gonna need eight hugs from you.

Ella: 00:40:22

That's right. And how did Elegant get arrested? Okay, so we're going to make that happen. I love it though.

I love real, actionable tips and I believe that any one of these, if implemented, could be of real value, a game changer actually for somebody. So anyway, thank you for that. Now I am all. I can't believe how quickly our time has gone, Luis.

And I want to make sure that I get from you a couple more tips. So tell me firstly, if you want us to try one habit and it can be one of these or a new one, whatever works.

One habit for one week and try it on and see if it works for us. Which habit would that be?

Luis: 00:41:00

One of my favorite habits right now to practice is just taking anywhere from 20 to 30 seconds in my day to close my eyes and think about somebody or something that makes me feel good and just breathe that in. That's been just an incredible habit for me as a way to kind of slow down and feel more love, abundance and radiance in my life.

So just when you have a chance, just close your eyes and, and then just think of somebody that you love and feel them in your body. You know, if it's Your husband, if it's your best friend. Sometimes for me, it's my dog.

And I think about him, and I just think, oh, man, I love that guy. And that's it. Just simple little practice.

Ella: 00:41:39

How long did you say you do that?

Luis: 00:41:41

Anywhere from 20 to 30 seconds. I mean, you can do it less.

Really, the whole idea is just take a deep breath, maybe a couple deep breaths, and think of something or various things that make you feel really good, and then you're done. The idea is that it's simple.

Ella: 00:41:55

It's like taking a love vitamin.

Luis: 00:41:57

There you go.

Ella: 00:41:58

You can. You can. You can borrow that.

Luis: 00:42:00

Luis, you stole my thought, Right? That's exactly what I wanted to do, is. Okay, that's the love vitamin.

Ella: 00:42:06

All right. And what's one resource you want to share with everybody that you love or you think they will?

Luis: 00:42:10

A book that I've been reading lately that I really just enjoy is called the Return to Love by Marian Will Williamson. And so I highly recommend that to anyone, buddy.

Ella: 00:42:20

Okay. Return to love. And I'll put a link directly to that book in the show notes for this episode.

Luis: 00:42:25

Luis, there's a reason why she's been on Oprah several times, so I think a lot of people will enjoy that book.

Ella: 00:42:30

All you have to do is say Oprah and she automatically, somewhere in the universe, a fairy gets its wings and she sells a million books. Pretty much, that's what happens.

All right, everybody listening will get a free copy of your 47 awesome date night tips and your love map game, which will have some fun. And they got. You got to tell me, guys, who uses it.

I'm going to try it and I'll report out, but I want to hear who uses it, and I want to hear a little bit of what effect it had, but maybe not everything about the effect that it had. Wink, wink. Luis, where can people find you if they want more of your wisdom?

Luis: 00:43:09

Definitely.

If you're interested in finding more about me, the podcast, and my partner Kamala as well, you can go to lastingloveconnection.com and you can find all the resources there. And you can also find our podcast in itunes or through the LastingLoveConnection.com website. And we'd love to hear from you.

Ella: 00:43:29

That's outstanding, and it has been a delight talking with you. Super fun. Luis and I really, really appreciate you.

Luis: 00:43:35

Yeah, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure. I hope I brought some extra added value to your lives today.

Ella: 00:43:40

Oh, you got people thinking, that's for sure by now.

Luis: 00:43:43

Okay, adios.

Ella: 00:43:45

Okay, everyone, I hope you enjoyed today's show and got something out of it that you can use.

If you did and you want to learn more, just go to onairwithella.com where I put up links to all of the good stuff that we talked about today and more information about our guests and all the good stuff that you did not need to write down today because I got you covered. Don't forget to join our Facebook page and thanks for those phenomenal reviews and itunes. Every great review helps and we read every one.

Thanks for listening and thanks for inspiring me. You are, quite simply awesome.

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