Join Mari and Trey Wagner on the Ever Be podcast as they discuss the essential qualities to seek in a partner for a fulfilling, Christ-centered relationship and marriage. Featuring deep discussions on virtues like maturity, responsibility, and self-discipline, the podcast highlights the importance of shared faith, mutual support, and aligned life goals. Learn practical traits such as health, orderliness, and willingness to serve that enhance long-term marital success. The episode also emphasizes the value of understanding and loving your partner's family, and provides advice on living a life that attracts the right person while dispelling myths about young marriage.

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Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner,

and you're listening to the ever be

2

podcast where faith meets lifestyle.

3

I'm so excited you're here, whether you're

a new listener or a longtime follower,

4

I know there's something here for you.

5

Pull up a chair and listen in for

insightful real life conversations

6

and actionable steps on how to claim

the full life God created you for.

7

If you're a woman desiring to live

a Christ centered life in today's

8

modern world, then this is for you.

9

Welcome to Ever Be.

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mari-wagner_3_10-15-2024_171802:

All right.

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Well, today we're going to get real

law on a topic that I think is really

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important, especially in the dating world.

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Um, and I think it's going to be

relevant to a lot of young Christian

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and Catholics, um, in college, in their

twenties, in their thirties, those

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years where you are dating around and

ultimately trying to find a spouse,

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somebody to So Trey's here with me today.

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Hello, I'm back.

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I brought him on because I thought

that for this topic, it would be really

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helpful to have both a woman's and a

man's perspective as we're both looking

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for a spouse, both men and women.

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And, um, it's always just great to

have kind of like that full Yeah.

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You always seem to bring me on for

the episodes about relationships

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because people want to know girls.

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Okay.

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And probably the majority of the

listeners are women and we all want to

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know what the guy thinks when it comes

to relationships and love and dating.

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So this gives us really helpful insight.

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Trying to try to provide

some other insight.

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So we're going to be chatting about, like

we said, what should you be looking for?

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Um, when you are dating somebody,

what are kind of those non negotiables

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that we feel like are important

to look for when you are dating?

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Looking for a spouse,

um, for a future spouse.

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And I do want to say like

all of these were things that

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we found really important.

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And I think probably all of

them were, are non negotiables.

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And I think that that might vary

a little bit person to person.

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So we're not God and we're not the

church and like, This isn't like exactly

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church teaching necessarily of like

what you must look for in a future

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spouse, but I will say I think it's

a really solid group of attributes to

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look for in a man or a woman to marry,

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and you might have a few others, uh, to

add as well under your own non negotiables

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list, but this is, this is ours.

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And I think that these non negotiables,

we have seen the wisdom and value in

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them even more so now three, almost

four years of being married that we

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might not have seen when we were in

college and we weren't just dating.

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Um, so there is some little added insight.

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To these non negotiables that now we see

the value in them even more so than we

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might have Uh when we were just dating.

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Yeah

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so let's just get right into it.

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Uh, the top attribute that I think

both of us, not, I think I know that

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both of us were like super adamant

about and was a big non negotiable

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for us is to find someone that

was really rooted in their faith.

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Yeah.

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To find a man or woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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So for me, that was trying to find

somebody that loves God primarily,

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that my faith was a lived.

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Relationship with God, like it wasn't

just that they were checking the boxes

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off going to mass on Sunday But that

they had a living relationship with God.

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And so that meant that they were praying

often and Uh, the faith was a priority in

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their life and not just in the backseat.

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And yeah, I mean, those are just some of

the characteristics that I would say would

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describe somebody that I was looking for.

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That was a woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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And I think for me, it was

really important for me to

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find a man who was like really

practicing their Catholic faith.

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I was looking for a man who was.

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A practicing Catholic.

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Um, I really wanted a man that was

going to lead me in my Catholic faith

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and encourage me and help me grow.

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And so I wanted someone that already had

that as like a priority in their life.

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And essentially someone who is

really actively seeking Christ

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and wanting to follow Christ.

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Um, I, I really wasn't interested in

someone who maybe grew up Christian or

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grew up Catholic and like believed in

God, but like hadn't really practiced in

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a while or it wasn't actually their top

priority in their life just because of

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where I was in my faith and my journey

and the type of person that I was looking

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to be my future husband and future

father of my children, hopefully one day.

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Okay.

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So.

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One of the things to look for

is, first of all, I mean, are

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they even going to church?

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Is that a priority in their schedule

to make time to worship God?

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Um, do they pray at all?

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Do they have any sort of prayer life

or is there any effort to kind of

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develop that deep relationship with

God that you were talking about?

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Um, and I think also like, are they

seeking for growth in the area of faith?

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Like, do they have any interest in

maybe a small group or a Bible study?

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Study or do they have community around

them of Christians or Catholics that

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are building them up in the faith?

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Mm-Hmm.

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. Yeah.

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I mean, the faith is a primary and

very important part of your life.

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Like it's going to be an

important part of your life for

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the whole, your whole future.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. And, and your marriage.

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And your marriage, and then

eventually your family.

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And so like that is a very important

part of your life that like you

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should share with your spouse and with

your family and be united in that.

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And so.

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For us, I mean, I think that it's A

very like number one non negotiable.

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Yeah.

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The person you're looking for

is a man, a woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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And I will say too, like the Lord,

you know, if you have a deep and

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personal relationship with God,

I mean, obviously start there.

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Um, in college when I was dating or

when I was looking for a man to marry,

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there was a moment in confession

where the priest was, um, kind of

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just asking me straight up, like you

want a good Catholic man to marry.

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Right.

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And I was like, Yes, father.

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And he said, okay, are you the type

of woman that that good Catholic

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man is going to want to marry?

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And that was a really good gut check for

me to realize in my life, like, where

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are the areas that I need to grow in?

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And I'm, I trying to live out and

grow in these virtues that I'm

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looking for in a good Catholic man.

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And so if you're pursuing your.

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relationship with God and you're,

um, deepening your prayer life and

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making time and space for the Lord in

your schedule and in your life, then

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you're going to have more clarity

in your discernment process as well.

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And you're going to attract.

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Christ centered man, because they're also

gonna be looking for a running partner,

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like a Christ centered woman to run with.

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Yeah.

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And so what I was going to say

about discernment is that like,

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you're going to have more clarity

in your discernment process.

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And so the Lord, I just want to say

this as like, as a side note, like the

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Lord might call you to date someone

who is not exactly of your religion.

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Um, Do I recommend it?

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No, because I think that it's really

vital to a healthy marriage and family.

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Although I know that there are

circumstances where maybe a Christian

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is called to marry a Catholic and a

Catholic is called to marry a Christian.

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And it might not be the exact same

denomination, but I think that if you

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are solid in your relationship with God,

the Lord's going to make that clear.

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Um, and there have been beautiful

relationships and marriages have have come

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from people who are pursuing the Lord.

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Like, Both within the realm of

Christianity, but maybe in their

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individual, um, denominations.

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And a lot of the times we have

seen faith strengthened and even

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conversions happen, um, into the

church through that relationship.

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Yeah, totally.

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Want to move on to number two?

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Yeah.

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Number two would be a person

that lives virtuously.

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And so we were talking about this a little

bit before, and I think the word virtue is

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not something that we probably would have.

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Yeah.

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I didn't really know what that

word meant for a long time.

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Yeah.

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So yeah.

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When I was in college, I would not have

been telling my friends, Oh my gosh, I'm

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looking for a woman that lives virtuously

in the vocabulary of a college man.

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So even though I might not have

called it a woman of virtue, What I

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was looking for was a woman that was

responsible, was genuine, was mature,

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like somebody who wasn't going out with

a bunch of different guys all at once.

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And like, I'm getting drunk and, uh,

and living just a very, you know,

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I, I wanted a woman that I could

trust that would raise my kids.

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Well, and someone that I

respected and admired and.

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And like, what, like, what virtue

is, is it's, it's moderation.

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It's not an excess or a defect

of deficit of a certain quality.

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It's, it's right in the middle.

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It's, it's the perfect moderation

of that specific quality.

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And so, uh, and like, that's what.

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Virtue isn't that that's what I was

looking for because those people are

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attractive and, and you know that that's

somebody that's going to make for a good

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wife and a good mom in the long run.

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Yeah.

172

Yeah.

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And in the long run, I mean, marriage

is about getting your spouse to heaven.

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So when you're looking for somebody

to marry, Are they actively

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pursuing Christ in their life?

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Are they actively, like, following

Him and what He taught and

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living a Christ centered life?

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Are they actively rooting out sin?

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Um, because these are the type

of people that are, like, working

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towards Heaven and, like, orienting

their life towards Heaven.

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And if that's their goal, Then it's going

to translate into your marriage and how

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you love each other, how you try to get

each other to heaven is going to come from

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that foundation of living a virtuous life.

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Like even before you met each other.

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And so I think for, for me, like for

a guy, like I was looking again, yeah,

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for somebody who was like mature and

responsible and especially somebody

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who was reliable, um, somebody who

was, like I said, like really strong

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in his faith, really strong in his

values, someone that would not like.

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Be easily shaken because I think like as

women, like we look for the man to be this

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like anchoring, um, person and like place

of refuge for us to feel safe, to be able

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to feel protected, to be provided for.

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Um, and so for me, from even an early

age, I was like, I want this person to

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be just like a solid place of refuge

in a solid place of like stability,

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um, that's founded upon the Lord.

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I think other practical things

too within this would be like,

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does he take care of his health?

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Does he like have an orderly space?

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Um, I think it's really easy for

like all guy houses or even just like

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single bachelor men to kind of like

not really care about those things

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and not really like watch what they're

eating or like keep an orderly home.

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And I think that's part of maturity and,

um, um, Yeah, like, they're not a slob.

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Like, you don't want to

date somebody who's a slob.

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And if they are not a slob, that, I

think, shows a sign of self respect,

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self discipline, maturity, and virtue.

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Mm hmm.

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Yeah, self discipline.

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Yeah, and then for a woman, you

know, somebody who's selfless,

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who's, like, nurturing, you know,

these motherly qualities, uh,

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someone who's really grounded in

just who they are and confident in.

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Who they are as a woman

and then their femininity.

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Um, those are all, you know,

qualities that I was looking for.

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I think another really important

thing, and I mean this, this

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can go under the umbrella of

virtue or, I mean, I have it as.

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Um, a whole separate thing that I

was looking for, um, in a man is his

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willingness to serve and sacrifice.

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And this is just cause like the

reality of marriage and family life

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is that it requires a lot of you.

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It requires a lot of self gift

in sacrifice in selflessness.

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And If the person that you're looking

for, you know, or that you're dating

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at a young age, um, or even just

like before you even enter into more

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serious parts of the relationship,

isn't exemplifying that it's tough.

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Cause like, it's only going to get

harder and you're only going to be

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requiring more sacrifice and more

selflessness throughout the relationship.

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And so that was something that was

really important for me when I was

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looking for Amanda, Mary was like, is he?

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Is he able to suffer?

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Is he able to sacrifice?

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Is he willing to kind of like lay down

his needs and, um, his desires for me?

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Yeah.

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Like this concept of serving and

sacrificing and being selfless,

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like only the demands of that only

grow as your relationship grows.

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And so, you know, when you're dating.

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Or when you're single, there's

nothing that's or hardly anything

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that's like, demanded of you.

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That's requiring you to, uh, put other

needs or things above your own needs or

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requiring you to sacrifice in any way.

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And then you start dating somebody,

and then, you know, you have to

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maybe go where they want to go,

or, like, do what they want to do.

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And like, there are little.

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Asks of sacrifice that are required

and even like just sacrifice like time.

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Oh yeah.

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Like time, like invest in the relationship

and like go on dates or talk on the

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phone or show that interest totally.

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And then you get engaged.

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And then that there's another level of

like requirements of laying down your

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own life, putting the other needs in

front of their own, you know, helping

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the woman prepare to be a bride or.

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Try not to be avoid being a bridezilla

like like there are going to be like

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further stretches of your ability to

sacrifice and serve Yeah, and then you

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get married and then that's a whole

nother world of like, yeah engagement

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dating was like a little taste of it But

then all of a sudden you get married and

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you're thrust into having to sacrifice

and serve every single day And then

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you got family and kids like then it

just it just continues to multiply.

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Yeah, man's Of like how well

you can give up yourself.

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And so being able to recognize and see.

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Like that the other is capable

of that early on is huge.

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Yeah, and I think it might sound silly

to say that like this is all a sacrifice

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because usually when you're dating It's

like there's all this like honeymoon

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energy and you're just like absolutely

like smitten with each other and it's not

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necessarily viewed as a sacrifice to Give

up time or to do what they want to do.

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But the reality is that the more

serious your relationship gets, right.

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As you move into engagement and

marriage, hopefully become parents,

263

the more this person and this vocation

becomes a priority in your life.

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And the more it should become

a priority in your life.

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And so the more, that's why I like.

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That's why you're sacrificing

more and more in your life.

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Whereas like this more serious

relationship gets, or when you move

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into right, the next phases of becoming

fiances and then spouses, the more you are

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putting this person as the first priority,

obviously after the Lord in your life over

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your friends and your family, which is why

like they require more of your time and

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your energy and a priority in your life.

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Yeah, totally.

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And I think like, sacrifice and

service is the bread of marriage.

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It's like the, that is the daily

requirements and like almost like Annie

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that's required play the game of marriage.

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It's like, it's just every

day you have to wake up and be

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willing to sacrifice and serve.

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And I, I know that you say this a lot

too, of just like the essence of love

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is like willing to give to the other and

like putting others needs before yours.

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And so essentially it's just like

learning to love better as you

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develop this relationship and are

looking for someone like, do they

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have a capacity to love well?

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Part of that is like, are they willing

to like will the good of the other

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and put their needs before mine?

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Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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So that's huge.

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Absolutely.

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That's huge.

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So I think like practically how

you can look at this, you know,

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in, in the dating years could be

like, does he sacrifice time with

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his friends to spend time with you?

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Right?

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Is he prioritizing dates on your schedule?

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Or is he just always You know, going

and playing video games with his

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friends at night instead of calling you.

297

Mm-Hmm.

298

or he's sacrificing time with the boys.

299

Mm-Hmm.

300

to spend a Saturday.

301

Mm-Hmm.

302

. Or a Sunday not watching football

to be with the person he's dating.

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Mm-Hmm.

304

. I think another easy thing too

is, um, does he walk you home?

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Does he drive you home?

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Does he like offer to pick you up

and drive kind of just those, like,

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I think very common courtesies that.

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Yeah.

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We don't often think of very often.

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And I think more and more in our culture,

dating is getting more and more casual.

311

And I think that those, those classic

qualities of a gentleman of like

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coming to the door to pick you up on

your date, instead of like honking

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on the street, like, Hey, I'm here,

you know, or even just texting like

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here, like, will he come to the door?

315

Will he walk you home?

316

Um, will he.

317

Like offer to drive will

he open doors for you?

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Like if you have a big suitcase, like

will he carry it down to the car for

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you and offer basically like offer?

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Like how he can help you and how he

can um, just like make your life easier

321

and sweeter in different little ways

322

yeah, I mean, I think you're right.

323

Like, those are maybe like some

lost like qualities that men

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aren't maybe doing as much anymore.

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But I think it's really important that 1.

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We as guys do those things, but then

to that, those are just like little

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ways to identify in a man like that.

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Oh, that they're capable and willing

to put my needs first and to serve me.

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And for like a woman, I'm thinking,

like, how, what are ways that

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you as women can show these

qualities of sacrifice and service?

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And I think it's, I mean, At the risk of

sounding cliche, it's like making a dinner

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and a meal for the date night as opposed

to like ordering Chick fil A takeout,

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you know, um, or it's offering to help

clean up or organize, you know, your

334

boyfriend's room and like maybe decorate

their room if their walls are pretty bare.

335

Like it's.

336

finding ways to like love and serve the

man that, you know, maybe that they aren't

337

able or aren't as good at as you would be.

338

And so those are some ideas.

339

Yeah.

340

I think it's about like really finding

that complementarity of men and women,

341

even early on in like, how are the

gifts that we're given as women?

342

How does that serve the gifts

that you're given as a man?

343

And how, you know, Like, do your strengths

as a man compliment us as women and

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maybe like what we're not as good at?

345

Um, I think too, one other thing that

came to mind, which is a little bit

346

more on like the suffering side than the

sacrifice is like, can this person suffer?

347

Well, like, how do they

deal with suffering?

348

And I think that that's really

important because, you There's

349

going to be hard times in your life.

350

You're going to come to really difficult

moments that you have to tackle

351

together in marriage and in family life.

352

And so what does this person do in the

face of suffering, um, or conflict?

353

Do you know, do they just get angry

and run away or give up or spiral?

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Or do they lean in?

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Do they, you know, press on?

356

Do they show up and try and problem solve

or, um, You know, lean into the Lord

357

in their time of suffering or express

what they're going through or find help

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or try and like find the resolution.

359

I think it's really

important too to like kind of

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really watch for like how this

person deals with difficulty

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and suffering from early on.

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That's huge.

363

I mean, that's going to be a huge part of

your marriage, uh, conflict and suffering.

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And so that's just life.

365

So I think finding somebody who can

handle those and being able to like

366

compliment and support each other

during those difficult times is huge.

367

Next.

368

Um, we have somebody that makes

you a better version of yourself

369

slash like, Just makes you come

alive into more of who you are.

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And I think that this was something

that I didn't necessarily know how to

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name when I was looking for a future

spouse, but it really clicked for me when

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I met Trey, because I felt like this.

373

more fuller version of myself

came alive when we were dating.

374

And when I, I mean, even before

we were dating, when we were like

375

starting to be friends was when I

really started to notice like, wow,

376

like I am so free to be myself.

377

I'm so free to, um, like not hold anything

back and just kind of like let like the

378

fullest version of me, like come alive.

379

And along with that, um, Maybe it was

just how our relationship was going,

380

but I think it has to do a lot with

our personalities and our values.

381

Like we were pushing each other to

grow in different areas of our life

382

and essentially become like a better

version than we were without each other.

383

Yeah.

384

I mean, I can just say for myself, I

felt like once I started dating you,

385

it really like, I came, I came alive

and I came out of my shell more.

386

Like I was, Like almost more fun, more

goofy, more, more silly, like more happy.

387

But then I was also like

experiencing emotion, like more

388

fully like the good and the bad.

389

And so, uh, I became more passionate.

390

Like, I just felt like I was almost.

391

Um, like these qualities and like

personality traits that I had

392

became amplified after dating you.

393

I love that.

394

And I mean, I definitely felt that too.

395

And I think another reason why this

is important and I want to make the

396

differentiation, like we're not, I

don't necessarily love the saying

397

of like you're better half or like

they complete you or whatever.

398

It's just truly like.

399

Why would you not want to be with

someone that pushes you to be better?

400

Like this is the person that you're

going to spend your entire Life with

401

your entire marriage with, and you truly

like take on each other's qualities

402

and each other's habits and each

other's like chasing like passions.

403

And if you don't have someone that's

encouraging you to grow, to be a

404

more fuller version of yourself

and to seek, um, just growth in

405

different areas of your life, then.

406

You're going to be moving backwards.

407

I feel like there's not

really like a middle ground.

408

There's not really like

a staying the same.

409

I feel like if you're not like pursuing

growth and pursuing, you know, deeper

410

faith or virtue or betterment of yourself

and betterment of like those areas that

411

we all, We all have areas we need work on.

412

Then we're just being complacent

and we're just going backwards.

413

And so having somebody that is

truly pushing you to be a better

414

version of yourself is going to be

really beautiful in the long run.

415

And really, like I said, like

help you become that Saint that's

416

going to get to heaven and help

you be a better wife and mother.

417

Yeah.

418

I mean, it's just like what people say

over and over again, like you become

419

Like the people who spend most time

with, and so your spouse has been with

420

the person you spend most time with.

421

So you want them to help you make you

a better person instead of regressing

422

back to somebody you don't want to be.

423

Um, and then also the, like, there's

people that we've known that have

424

dated somebody, and they've almost.

425

Like when they're around this person

or when they start dating this person,

426

it almost like the qualities of

them, like their personalities were

427

almost like dwarfed or like numbed.

428

Like dimmed?

429

Like dimmed.

430

Yes.

431

That's the word.

432

Like, they became like

more of a dimmed person

433

and so they're, they're like

personality traits that made them.

434

So them were like dimmed a little

bit and made them like hide, like

435

more hide more into their shell.

436

Kind of like you were saying before.

437

Yeah.

438

And so I think that's just like a

very way to like, I don't identify

439

like, is this person bringing me out

of myself and like making me more

440

alive or making me feel like more me?

441

Yeah.

442

Or is, you know, like it might become

more dimmed and more like of a shell

443

of who I am around this person.

444

Yeah.

445

Totally.

446

Okay.

447

Let's talk about family.

448

This one is, is very important.

449

And I think that we have realized

it's become more and more important

450

as we've grown into our marriage.

451

Oh yeah.

452

This is huge.

453

This was something that I felt like, yeah,

I was kind of told, and I kind of knew

454

in the back of my head like, oh yeah.

455

Yeah.

456

Yeah.

457

Like you're married into the family

and like, it's important to consider

458

who your in laws are going to be.

459

But like when you're just in love

with a person, it's easy to like

460

look over the fact of their family.

461

And just be like, I don't even care.

462

Yeah, exactly.

463

And so I felt like this has been really

huge and important and I felt like

464

I didn't recognize the importance of

this when I was dating and getting

465

engaged, but now that I'm married,

this is one where it's like, okay, wow.

466

This was something like understanding,

knowing, and loving the family of

467

the, of the person that you're dating

is, should be way more important

468

than I realized in that I gave it.

469

Yeah.

470

And I think it might vary depending on

your family cultures that well as well.

471

But I think for us, like family

is really important to us.

472

So we knew that we wanted to

be involved in each other's

473

families and, um, prioritize

time with each other's families.

474

And so for us, it means.

475

We spend a lot of time

with each other's families.

476

And we hope that one day when we

have kids, like our kids will get

477

to really know their extended family

members, their grandparents, their

478

aunts and uncles, their cousins.

479

And so it means that like the people

that you're bringing into your life,

480

like your in laws, like are really

going to be an integral part of maybe

481

your day to day life if you live near

them or, um, you know, big important

482

times of the year, like holidays

and Christmases and Thanksgiving and

483

people that are going to be around your

children as well and have an influence.

484

In your children.

485

So I think family is, is really important

and I think that it's worth, um, really

486

getting to know the person's family that

you're dating once it becomes really

487

serious, getting to know maybe a little

bit of like the family history, how

488

they were raised or what kind of values

the parents, um, and the family have.

489

Oh, things like that.

490

Yeah.

491

And I mean, no family is

ever going to be perfect.

492

Absolutely.

493

And like, we know there's broken families.

494

Yes.

495

Man.

496

But it's.

497

Just recognizing the importance that

family plays and how that's going to

498

affect your life, your marriage, your own

family, and your own Children's lives.

499

And so just.

500

Understanding the importance and gravity

of the family you're marrying into is the

501

point I think we're trying to make here

is just recognize the importance of that.

502

Um, and don't overlook it.

503

Yeah.

504

And, and anything that like

comes with a family, like Trey

505

said, like no family's perfect.

506

There's broken families,

there's woundedness in family.

507

There are bad habits or vices

that come from families and

508

that are passed down too.

509

And so really just like know that,

And discern that when you're making

510

these choices of like, are my going

to get more serious with this person?

511

Is this somebody that I would actually

be interested in marrying and, um,

512

essentially like marrying into the

family and just knowing like the

513

Lord might be calling you to marry

that person, even if they come from a

514

broken family, that doesn't mean that

this person is not the person you're

515

supposed to marry or a bad person at all.

516

Like, so, unfortunately, so many

people come from broken families.

517

Um, and so, you know, It's more about like

that discernment and knowledge of like, I

518

know what I'm taking on and I accept that.

519

And I know that the Lord is

going like to bless that.

520

Yeah, exactly.

521

Okay, next I'm really big about this

I feel like it's really important

522

to find a man especially that is

Driven and motivated like somebody

523

that is a hard worker and has goals

and aspirations in their life.

524

Like somebody who wants more for

their life or maybe it's like super

525

passionate about their career and

wanting to develop their skills

526

or like, um, grow in their career.

527

Um, and I think traditionally,

I mean, the husband and father

528

is the provider of the family.

529

And if you haven't noticed

already, we, we, we.

530

Try and abide by pretty

traditional values.

531

And so for me, that was really

important, like looking for someone

532

who I could rely on being a provider,

um, being a protector for the family.

533

And I knew that if it was a man who

wasn't willing to work hard and wasn't

534

willing to be motivated and driven and.

535

And like reach his goals and aspirations,

then he likely wouldn't be somebody that I

536

could depend on to provide for our family.

537

Holy.

538

Yeah.

539

Yeah.

540

I mean, I think that's huge.

541

I think too, like, if you know as a

woman, like my dream is to be a stay at

542

home mom, well you have to find a man

that's going to make that dream a reality.

543

And so like they have, you have to

find a man who is in the line of work

544

and has the drive and has the drive

and commitment to be able to make

545

enough money for you to stay at home.

546

Or else.

547

You know, you won't have the means and

you'll have to work and like, that's fine.

548

Like, and if someone would like,

love their careers and love to

549

work and like, that's great too.

550

Yeah.

551

But, um, either way, I think like

finding a man that is motivated

552

and has drive, it bleeds into all

areas of life in your marriage.

553

Aside from just the.

554

Financial career standpoint, like it

also bleeds into just like how much

555

he's going to, you know, be committed

and loving of your children and, uh,

556

like fighting for your marriage when

you're on the rocks and like, these are

557

hard and there's difficulties and, you

know, and like, I don't know, like a man

558

that's attract or a man that has drive

and motivation is just more attractive.

559

Of a person and like, yeah,

they're a better person to be

560

around than somebody who is just

as like super slothful and lazy.

561

And yeah.

562

And I think it just goes back to

that original kind of thing you

563

mentioned at some point at the

beginning, like that self discipline.

564

And I was talking about like somebody who

takes care of themselves and like works

565

to have a healthy lifestyle that also

comes with like motivation and drive.

566

To make something more of themselves than

what is just like the baseline, you know,

567

again, it goes back to like, not finding

someone who just wants to be complacent.

568

point that's just want to

bring up that's pretty brief.

569

Like, find a woman that wants.

570

To have to be a mom and find a father,

find a man that wants to be a father.

571

Like those are very fundamental

things to like, make sure that the

572

person that you're dating is going

to become your spouse has the same

573

family plan and ideals that you do.

574

Yeah.

575

I think this is a.

576

Honestly, a huge make or

break for a lot of people.

577

And I think this is something

that I really want to stress.

578

Like it's an important

conversation to have.

579

I would say like pretty early on, like,

don't leave it till you get super serious

580

and are about to get engaged to be

like, okay, so like, do you want kids?

581

Because they might not.

582

And I've heard of situations where this

has happened, where they get super into

583

their relationship and they're pretty

sure they're going to get married.

584

And then the truth comes out and she

never wanted kids in the first place.

585

And.

586

You know, maybe the guy

thought that she was going to

587

change her mind or vice versa.

588

She always wanted kids and he really

wasn't interested in being a father.

589

And maybe she thought she would convince

him down the road or she didn't think

590

that he was that serious about it.

591

And that, that's a huge make or

break moment for the relationship.

592

So I think very early on, just kind of

like figure that out and make that clear,

593

at least on your end, that like, Your goal

is to be a mom or to be a dad and you're

594

interested in children and family life.

595

That's a big part of marriage.

596

Huge.

597

All right.

598

Next is find someone who has similar

aspirations, life goals, just like an

599

aligned vision, vision for your life.

600

Because That's just going to make

things so much more fun, so much easier

601

and smoother, like, I feel like the

amount of, like, hard discussions

602

and maybe arguments will be lessened.

603

Like, if there's somebody that you find

that has that same vision for life.

604

Then it'll just be a

smoother ride, honestly.

605

Yeah.

606

In the end marriage, like you're going

to be building your life together.

607

And so you want to be a united front.

608

You want to like view it as

like teamwork and like you guys

609

are tackling life together.

610

And like Trey was saying, if you have

aligned visions, like you're able

611

to work towards that goal so much

faster and so much more effectively.

612

I think that like, I remember when we

were first engaged or when we first

613

got married, I would either maybe hear

this on Instagram or some people in

614

person were kind of like, they would

have the, the attitude that getting

615

married, especially young, the attitude

that getting married young was really

616

going to like set us back in our

dreams or in our goals or set us back.

617

maybe like financially or just like, Set

us back like success wise in our life.

618

And we actually, I feel like

we've proven that to be false.

619

And we have found that even across

the board with like all of our married

620

friends, like when you have two people

working towards a goal together, you

621

get there faster and more effectively

when you're both a united front

622

than if it was just you on your own.

623

And so, first of all, like let's

dispel the myth that like marriage

624

is like this ball and chain

that holds you back from life.

625

It's not, I would argue that.

626

If this is the vocation God's

calling you to be in, it's going

627

to propel you forward because it's

God's will for you to be in it.

628

And then two, that's why it's so important

to find someone that really has that

629

aligned, like values and vision of

what they want their life to look like.

630

And this is something you can also

build like while you're dating, like

631

maybe you don't meet someone and

right off the bat, you're like, Oh

632

my gosh, we have all the same dreams.

633

But like, as you're building your

relationship, You find that alignment

634

and you find those shared goals that

you have, um, together as a family.

635

Yeah.

636

I mean, this is your life partner

and like, you don't want your spouse

637

to be the one that's preventing

your dreams from coming true.

638

Like that's just going to create such

problems and friction in the marriage.

639

So.

640

That'll be a much smoother ride.

641

If you guys have life

alignment, we'll call it.

642

Yes.

643

And lastly, our piece of advice is look

for somebody that you have fun with.

644

And essentially that

becomes your best friend.

645

And this is a claim that I've

made on my Instagram before.

646

And I would say most

people are in agreement.

647

I have gotten some pushback in

the past of people saying like

648

your spouse doesn't have to be

your best friend, but I disagree.

649

I fully believe your spouse should be

your best friend and the person that

650

you are dating, you know, and hoping to

be your future spouse, like you should

651

really enjoy time with that person and

really be building a foundation of a

652

strong friendship in your relationship.

653

And maybe they don't have to be

your best friend, but it's way

654

better if they are, they don't

have to be, but it's way better.

655

I promise you.

656

Yeah.

657

And I want to clarify that.

658

We're not saying like, you have to date

your best, your current best friend.

659

Like, if you have a guy, best

friend or girl, best friend, it

660

doesn't mean we're saying that

that's the person you have to marry.

661

But when you find.

662

When you're, when you're dating someone,

like definitely value friendship and

663

fun in the relationship, like enjoying

the time that you spend with each other.

664

And like, eventually that combined

with like falling in love and them

665

being the person you're supposed to

marry, like, you're probably going

666

to get to a point to where you are

best friends and hopefully that

667

continues throughout your relationship.

668

Yeah.

669

I mean, it's like what my mom

always said when I was growing up.

670

Friends will come and go,

but family stays forever.

671

Like, like, like, and your spouse

actually will stay forever.

672

Yes.

673

They, they will be your, your best friend.

674

Yeah, absolutely.

675

So that's, I think that wraps it up are

like biggest, biggest attributes you

676

feel like you should be looking for.

677

And that we find to be super important

qualities to look for in a future spouse.

678

These were our non negotiables.

679

And like I said, you might have a

few more and basically the biggest

680

piece of encouragement that I

want to leave you with is stay

681

strong to these non negotiables.

682

Like don't feel like you have to

lessen the bar just to make it work.

683

I think a lot of.

684

People tend to do this.

685

There's, um, I know seasons

of waiting can be hard, right?

686

And there might be like some hopelessness

sometimes if you're like, I keep meeting

687

people and they're never the one or I'm

dating them and it always falls through.

688

And I just like, don't

know what I'm doing wrong.

689

Don't lessen the bar and don't

Compromise on your non negotiables

690

because the Lord has someone in

store for you that matches those.

691

The Lord does not want anything

less than what is best for you.

692

And he knows that.

693

And if you know what your non

negotiables are, stay strong to those

694

and you'll find a man or a woman

that actually lives up to those.

695

Yeah.

696

And last piece of advice from a male

perspective is what we said at the

697

beginning is live the life that's going

to attract the man that you want to marry.

698

I'll leave it there.

699

And lastly, I would say like,

really pray with your list.

700

That's something that I did and that I

encourage the girls that I walked with

701

to, um, when college and after, as I

was walking with people who were in the

702

dating scene, like have a place, maybe

it's a journal, maybe The notes on your

703

phone where you actually like pray about

the qualities that you want in a future

704

husband or a future wife and write them

down and then take those to prayer.

705

Like pray with that specific list and

make those specific desires known to the

706

Lord because he wants to fulfill those.

707

And that's it.

708

I will say from experience, like that

is, that was my lived experience.

709

Like I wrote these things down on

a notes in my phone and I would

710

pray with those every single night.

711

And it just so happened that when I

met Trey, he checked all those boxes.

712

And if you want to know the

story of how exactly I find out.

713

That those boxes were checked, go listen

to, I believe, Oh, maybe it's like episode

714

two or three or something like that of

our love story, because it's actually,

715

it's pretty cute and it's pretty crazy.

716

It's the best.

717

And feel free to share this with a

friend, someone who's on the dating

718

scene, send this over to them and

hopefully they'll bless their life.

719

And we'll see you next week.