The Mother-in-Law Series: New Traditions

Welcome to week four of the Mother-in-Law Series. If you haven't caught the earlier episodes, go back and start with weddings. And if you're new here, one of the women I interviewed said something I keep coming back to: joining a family is like moving to another country. You don't know the customs, the language, or the traditions. So we get to decide, will we be the friendly local, or border control?

This week is about new traditions, and why welcoming someone in means more than folding her into the way things have always been done.

In this episode:

• Seeing a daughter-in-law's arrival as a gain instead of a loss, and how that shifts everything else
• The Christmas stocking and matching pajamas story: small effort, huge message
• A mother-in-law with only sons who started making Easter bonnets with her daughters-in-law
• Holding the purpose of a tradition tightly and the format loosely, including how our Christmas date, our vacations, and even our old scripture study tradition have evolved over the years
• Releasing the ledger: why things don't have to be even, and why scorekeeping adds stress instead of connection
• Honoring her family too, including a story about getting to know my son-in-law's family before he and my daughter moved to DC
• Brookefest, my own tradition of one-on-one time with each of my kids and their spouses, and other ideas for building a relationship that's just between the two of you

My question for you this week: what tradition might you need to bend to be more accommodating, and what new one could you start?

Next week is the final episode in this series, and it's for anyone whose relationship already feels hard. If that's you, don't miss it.

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Welcome to Midlife with Brooke.

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I am your host, Brooke Oniki.

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I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ,

a wife, mother, grandma,

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and a certified life coach.

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On this podcast, we talk about all things

mothering, health and emotional wellbeing.

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I share practical tools and

examples from my life and from the

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lives of my clients to help you

navigate this new season of midlife.

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It can feel tricky and confusing and

a little bit out of our comfort zone

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as our children grow up and they

don't really need us in the same way.

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These concepts and principles have changed

my life and I've watched them change

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the lives of my clients, and I hope that

they can be helpful if there are things

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that you wanna change in your life.

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So let's get started.

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Today is week four of our series,

Mother-in-Laws, and today we're

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gonna talk about creating traditions.

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As I've told you in the other episodes,

which if you haven't listened, you

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should go back and listen to those,

one of the girls I interviewed said,

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"Joining a family is a little bit

like moving to another country."

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You don't know the language, you don't

know the customs, you don't know the

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traditions that everyone has, and it

takes a while to grow accustomed to those.

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And as the mother-in-law, we can be

that friendly local that invites her in

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and teaches her our ways, or we can be

border control, where we feel like she's

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somehow a threat to our family because

she's new and different, and it can

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be hard to acclimate to a new person.

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But today we're gonna talk about

creating new traditions and ways that

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that helps us to acclimate and invite

this new member into our family.

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we see a new member of the

family as a gain or a loss.

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When a daughter-in-law arrives,

we might feel some loss, like

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there's a threat involved.

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I'm losing my son, or she's taking

over, or I'm not as important anymore.

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So when we see the daughter-in-law's

arrival as a threat, we generally

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will turn into border control.

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But if we can see her as a beginning, in

our family that we've never experienced

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before because she wasn't with us

before, then I can be a friendly local.

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Then I can invite her in and figure

out what her customs are and her

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language is, and understand how she

can bring different things to our

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family that are new, that will help

us to grow and evolve as a family.

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I know when my daughter-in-law joined

our family, she's a really good

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cook, and she taught us how to make

all kinds of veggie bowls, and they

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were all so yummy, and I feel like

she has changed the way that we eat.

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She's changed the way that we

cook and eat in our family.

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Not in every meal, but overall I think

we're healthier because she joined

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our family, and I'm so grateful for

that influence that she had on us.

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So when I was preparing for these

podcasts, I interviewed a bunch of girls

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from their mid-20s to their early 30s

about their relationship with their

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mother-in-law, and I learned so much

hearing their perspectives on this.

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So let me share some of the things

that they felt were helpful when

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they entered a family, some new

traditions that were useful.

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One of them shared that the first year

of her marriage, her mother-in-law

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made a Christmas stocking that looked

like all the other stockings in the

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family and added it to the group,

and it was really touching to her

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to feel like she was included and

was now a member of the family.

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She also said that her family had

a tradition of matching pajamas

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for Christmas, but this family

she married into never did that.

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But the first year they were

married, her mother-in-law got

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matching pajamas for everyone.

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So I recognize there's a cost involved.

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There's some effort made

to be that thoughtful.

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But the message that this sent to the

daughter-in-law is that you are important

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to us, and that your arrival matters

to us, and that we want you here.

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So I think that's a really beautiful

message for us to send to a

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daughter-in-law I had another girl

say that her mother-in-law only had

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sons, and so she was really looking

forward to creating traditions with

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her new daughter-in-law and any

granddaughters they might have.

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And so she started a tradition of making

Easter bonnets with her daughters-in-law,

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and they would do it with the

granddaughters as well as they got bigger.

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And it's kind of silly, and it's

something that they just do together.

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But she said that has become this

really fun tradition for them

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to make Easter bonnets together,

something they never did before a

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daughter-in-law arrived, and now they do

consistently with the daughters-in-law.

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So I think creating new traditions instead

of expecting the daughters-in-law to

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meld into the traditions you've always

had is a beautiful sign to her that

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we're ready for growth, we're willing

to change, we're willing to adapt and

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create traditions that are fun for young

adults and adults, and not just the things

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that we did when our kids were little.

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I know lots of people who do girls'

lunches, girls' movie nights.

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The activity doesn't really matter as

much as the message that's underneath,

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that I wanna spend time with you, I

wanna build a relationship with you,

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and that you matter in this family I

think another thing that we can consider

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when we talk about new traditions is

that we should hold the purpose of our

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traditions tightly and the format loosely.

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So let me give you an example.

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In our family for the last

two years, we have celebrated

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Christmas on December 27th or 28th.

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So two years ago, our daughter

didn't come home from her

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mission until the 27th, I think.

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So we celebrated Christmas on the 28th.

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And it was so easy and great, and in

some ways better, 'cause I actually got

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some things after Christmas that I could

give to them that were a lot cheaper.

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But also, it didn't conflict with

any of the things that were going

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on with our in-laws' families.

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And so when it went so well two years

ago, then last year we decided, let's

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just always do it a few days after

Christmas, and that way you can always

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have Christmas with your families,

and we're totally fine with that.

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And so this year we've been talking

about Christmas plans, and I said,

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"Let's just do it on the 27th again."

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So we wanna still have that time together.

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We wanna be able to enjoy one another.

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But the format of when it happens

isn't as important as it once was.

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I don't feel like it's as necessary

that we do it right on the exact day.

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Vacations also evolve over time.

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When our kids were little, it was

important to us to go and see some

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faraway place and do something really

fun and new and different, but now

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the objective is being together.

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They don't often get time where we're

all together and stay for several days.

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So this year we're having a staycation

right at our house, and I've planned

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some things that I think will be

really fun, and they've planned some

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things that are gonna be really fun.

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We ordered some nice plush towels, so

it will feel like they're in a resort.

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We're gonna put little chocolates on

their pillows before they go to bed at

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night, We only have one grandchild, and

so we need to be flexible with her and

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the times she needs to be home to sleep.

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And sometimes a lot of things, one after

another, can be a little overwhelming when

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you have a little person, and so we've

had to learn how to communicate better

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about that, and we're still working on it.

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I don't think we're perfect at that.

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But recognizing that traveling a

lot, that moving around a lot often

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doesn't work for the whole family.

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So those things have to evolve over time

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A few years ago, we did an Airbnb in

Erda, which is a suburb of Tooele,

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and the house had everything.

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It had a swimming pool, and a hot tub,

and a theater room, and a pool table,

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and pickleball across the street, and it

was such a great place for us to stay.

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We hardly left, and that was also really

good 'cause Emmy was even littler then.

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She was probably two when we did that.

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And so not having to rush around and

take her places and have her falling

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asleep in her car seat, we were just able

to enjoy ourselves right at the house.

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But years ago, we would've wanted

to do something where we could go

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out and do lots of things, because

we just had adults at that time.

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So it's just really important for

us to recognize how are our needs

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as a family evolving over time?

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What can we financially

contribute to something like this?

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at one point in our life, we could spend

more to fly people everywhere, but as the

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family grows, that's not always an option.

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So what are some things that we can do?

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One of my daughters suggested we go

camping, which is actually really a

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cost-effective way to spend time together.

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So I think next year

we're gonna try camping

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And we also like to do fun faraway things.

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So we're saving up our money to go to

Japan because we'd like to do that again.

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And so we'll do bigger trips sometimes

and do smaller ones in between

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So holding the purpose tightly, we wanna

be close-knit, we wanna enjoy each other,

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we wanna be together, the format loosely.

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However that looks for

where we are right now

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Sometimes we have a wide variety of

opinions about things politically or

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religiously, and so we maybe don't

wanna do things like we once did.

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In our house, we used to do Come

Follow Me all of the time, or

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scripture study with our kids.

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But as their feelings have changed

and evolved, that's not something

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we do on our family vacations.

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But we still wanna connect about

things they're thinking about

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and, ways that they're growing.

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so last Christmas, one of our kids

suggested going to Barnes & Noble, and

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everyone picked out a book they had

read during the year and one they'd

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like to read in the coming year.

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And we all went into the children's

area, 'cause it was late at night

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and there wasn't any kids there,

and everybody shared the book they

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had read and then the book that they

wanted to read in the upcoming year.

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And it gave us an insight into what they

care about and they're thinking about.

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and then of course it gives you

other good things to read so that you

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have other things that you can talk

about with each other, which I think

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is also a really beautiful thing.

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And this year for our family reunion,

my daughter volunteered to write

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a question of the day so that we

could have a time where we reflect

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on things and share and then have a

family prayer at the end of the night.

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So there are ways that

we can evolve, right?

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We're gonna hold the purpose tightly.

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We wanna be close.

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We wanna talk to each

other about real things.

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We wanna have deep and meaningful

conversations, not all day long,

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but certainly throughout the event,

But we can hold the format loosely.

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It doesn't have to be Come Follow Me.

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It doesn't have to be in some certain

structured way that it's always been

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last year for our family vacation,

my daughter-in-law suggested that we

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draw names and then dress like another

person in the family for a dinner.

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we recorded our fit checks,

if you know what that is.

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Our kids like to do that sometimes,

tell you where everything came from.

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my husband drew Emi's name, and so he

came in two-piece pajamas that are out

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of the same material, 'cause those are

the kind of pajamas she always wears.

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He had his sandals on the wrong feet,

and his hair in little pigtails, because

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that's how Emi looks a lot of the time.

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One of my daughters was me.

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She went and got some of my clothes out

of my suitcase and had her hair like

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mine, and she looked a lot like me.

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It was really fun to see how

everyone chose to dress, and it

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was just a really cute evening.

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Another evening, we all came as

characters from The Parent Trap

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and watched The Parent Trap, and

that was another idea that my

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daughter-in-law had, which was very fun.

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So I think that's an important

thing, that I'm not the one who

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has to decide everything that we

do, that we can split things up.

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We can make people in charge of

different things, or have them

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volunteer for different things, or,

let them be invested in the planning.

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Again, we want to hold our purpose

tightly, that we want to be together

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and enjoy one another's company,

and the format can be held loosely

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and change and evolve over time.

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We don't have to be the one

generating all the ideas.

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I actually believe it's more

fun and meaningful when they

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are a part of the planning

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The next thing to consider is

honoring her country as well, right?

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If we realize that she's coming into

our family from another country,

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then she's got her own traditions.

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She's got her own ways of doing things.

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When we're curious about what her

family does, it's a form of respect

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to show interest in what is important

to her and different things that

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they do as a family, and some of the

traditions that she shares with us

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might actually end up becoming ours.

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Another thing that we can do to honor

her country or where she's come from

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is to get to know her family directly.

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My son-in-law and daughter are living

in Washington, DC, while he goes to law

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school, and just before they left last

summer, we had a dinner with his family.

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He has six brothers and sisters.

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He's the oldest of seven, and we went

over to his mom's house, and we had a

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delightful evening with them, and we

played games, and it was so much fun.

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But I'm only used to seeing him

in our environment at our house,

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and so going and spending time

with all of his siblings there…

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I had met them all on various occasions,

but that was the first time we'd been

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in his home with all of his siblings

and just us, and it was really great

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to see him in that environment.

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He's so loved by his younger

siblings, And his dynamic with them

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was just really fun for us to see.

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I wish we had done that earlier

on because it shed some light

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on his life experiences.

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It shed some light on his family

dynamics, and it just gave

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me a better view of, of him.

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And so I think that is a beautiful thing,

that if you want to really understand

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someone and get to know them better,

the more you know about their history

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and their family, the easier it is for

us to love them and get to know them.

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And so I would really recommend that if

you have the opportunity to get together

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with your daughter-in-law's family or

her parents to take advantage of those

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things because it gives you a broader

frame of reference for her and for her

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family, and it gives you opportunity

to build relationships with them.

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We've gotten to know my daughter-in-law's

parents over the years, and they

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are just treasured friends to us.

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I am so grateful that we know them,

and I'm so grateful for their impact

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on Mallory's life and on Connor's life.

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They are just exceptional, extraordinary

people, and so I'm grateful that

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we've gotten to know them over time

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I think one of the fastest ways

to stop feeling like you're in

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a foreign country is to go visit

their country and get to know them.

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So the more you can immerse yourself

in their world so you have more

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things to talk about, more people

that you have in common, the easier

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it is to build a relationship

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The last thing I want you to

consider is that the relationship

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needs its own container.

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So this is what I mean by that.

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you can create a tradition that

belongs just to the two of you, not

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one that's routed through your son.

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So for instance, during Brookefest,

which is the month of November, the

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month of my birth, I have a tradition

of taking all my kids out to eat

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or going on an activity with them.

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So we might go on a walk or we might

go somewhere to eat or go on a hike.

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Those are things that I love to do.

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As my kids got married, I started

doing it with my daughter-in-law

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and then my son-in-law.

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So I've gone to lunch with my son-in-law,

breakfast with my son-in-law, spoken

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to him for an hour on the phone now

that he lives in Washington, D.C.

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during Brookefest.

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With Mallory, I've done that as well,

but now that they have a little girl,

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last year we took Emmy to the park and

we just visited at the park together

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'cause that was easier for her.

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And so sometimes as they get busier,

carving out a lot of time for you can

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be more difficult, so that's where

we have to hold the purpose tightly

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and the format loosely, because

it's not gonna always stay the same

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But for me, the importance was

individual time with each person

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On this staycation that we're

having, we're gonna go do pedicures.

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And I thought, that's kind

of a fun little tradition.

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Maybe we'll start doing that quarterly

so that I can get my girls together,

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my own daughters, my daughter-in-law,

and have some time together and

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create a new tradition there, because

that's something that they all enjoy

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I think it's important to find something

that people feel excited about doing.

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I have done lunches in the past

on occasion, but I haven't stayed

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committed to one certain tradition.

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And now that one of my daughters

just moved back from Boston, we

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have a core of three girls here.

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I think it's time for me to create

some more consistent traditions that

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they look forward to that allow us

to get together and enjoy one another

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Other possibilities are

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Watching a show that they like.

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I've done this a few times with Survivor.

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So my kids are big Survivor

watchers, I haven't been consistent

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with that, but I have watched

probably three or four seasons now.

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And it is super fun to talk to them

about the people in it, the people I

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like, the people they liked, and that

is a really fun thing that you can

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do with your kids or your in-laws.

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reading the same book

and talking about it.

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Listening to a podcast

and talking about it.

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an annual outing that's

tied to a certain date.

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Maybe you decide we have a girls'

date once a quarter or once every

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six months, something that people can

anticipate and look forward and even

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maybe collaborate on a fun idea together.

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Something like that can also be fun, and

also maybe less threatening if you do it

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with more than just your daughter-in-law,

if you decide we're gonna do it with all

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the girls, 'cause that can be also fun.

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I have found that sometimes I have

better conversations with them

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when it's one-on-one, that when

it's everybody, then I maybe am

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not as central to the conversation.

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So you may have to experiment with that

and figure out what ends up working

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out and what ends up being meaningful

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Taking a cooking class together or

some other kind of class together

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I know in Salt Lake they

have, Cake by Courtney.

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she does these cake classes, and you

can go and learn how to make and frost

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a cake there, which is really fun.

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And there are cooking classes

at high-end grocery stores here.

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I could do a cooking class

where my daughter-in-law

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teaches us all how to cook.

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There's so many things that you

can do and, and maybe she has a

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skill that you would like to learn,

and she could teach it to you.

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There's just so many things that we can

do to try to connect with one another

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So here's my final question for you.

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What tradition might I need to bend

this year to be more accommodating,

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and what new one could I start?

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All right.

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That's what I have for you today.

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Next week we're gonna talk

about if you have a relationship

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that's hurting already.

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You've listened to these podcasts

and you're like, "Uh, but we're

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already in a really bad place.

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These things all sound lovely, but I don't

know how to get to a place where I could

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have a relationship with her at all."

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And if that's who you are, Listen in

next week and I'll tell you some good

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tips on how to move forward when things

aren't as good as you would like.

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All right.

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Have a great week.

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Thanks for listening