Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:08:38 Psychologist Craig Malkin's book Rethinking Narcissism

00:10:59 The Soft Startup

00:13:19 The Empathic Communication Toolkit for Handling Conflict

00:20:47 Use techniques like the Positive no or the Soft Startup

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• To be both assertive and empathic, use techniques like the “positive no” or the “soft startup” when setting a boundary.

• When managing conflicts or difficult communication, remember to use open-ended questions; focus on strengths; let the other person lead; normalize rather than pathologize; and use open, conciliatory body language to show that you are on the same side.

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But don't confuse that with the lunch menu, or you may have to celebrate National Stop Nausea Day. It's a busy day. Today's episode comes from Patrick King's book Train Your Empathy, and this is the final episode from his book. It's a reminder that in order to be empathic, we don't have to be a wallflower or a shrinking violet. We can combine our empathy with assertiveness and find that those two skills complement each other. This from Patrick King's book Train Your Empathy. So the eternal balance is between expressing our own needs whilst taking account of other people's. Is it really possible to be kind and understanding to others while also asserting our boundaries and getting our needs met? The answer is absolutely yes.

Not only can we be assertive while maintaining empathy, our assertiveness may in fact be boosted when combined with empathy. Being able to truly understand what other people's perspectives can mean, we are actually more effective at asserting our rights and boundaries, all while maintaining connection and harmony with them. You might find yourself with two conflicting needs the need to protect your time, your resources or your energy on one hand, but the need to please others, to stay connected to the group and to not rock the boat on the other. You'll need tact, warmth and a little diplomacy to pull it off. In other words, you'll need empathy. Use simple, empathic assertions. Remember that assertiveness is not about being rude, aggressive, hostile or forceful. Think of it more in terms of being direct and honest and standing up for your rights. We all need to be assertive at some point or another, and asserting ourselves is not the same as conflict.

Many people who are compassionate and empathic struggle with self empathy and boundaries precisely because deep down they misunderstand assertiveness and their right to claim it. We are assertive when we maintain our own rights while respecting others. Most of us know that bullying, blaming and shaming are not part of being assertive, but then again, neither is being passive aggressive, guilt tripping people, or being curt and cold. An empathic assertion contains two parts. The first part is your considerate acknowledgment of the other person's position. And the second is where you assert your own position. By putting both these parts together, you're demonstrating that your empathy and understanding for them is not in conflict with you asserting your own needs or boundaries. For example, I know that it's not what you want to hear, but I can't help you out this time. I can see that it's not convenient, but I can't agree to be there.

I can imagine that you're busy right now, but there's no way I can wait longer for the work. I'm really sorry, but no. If you want to dial up the diplomacy, remove the word but entirely, and simply present these two components as two sentences. This goes beyond politeness, though. People can get offended by a no if they feel that you don't quite understand how it affects them. If you first acknowledge that you do fully understand their position, they're a little more likely to respect your refusal. They'll be more ready to accommodate you if you are aware that you have at least given some thought to their side of things. Using the positive no, you can probably see that these simple, empathic assertions are not going to be enough for more complex situations or people whom you share a more serious relationship. The above examples are polite yet firm, and are great for kindly asserting boundaries in the workplace or with acquaintances.

For everyone else, you might need to use a positive no. In fact, using a simple, empathic assertion may put certain people on the defensive if they feel they're owed a little more. Here's how to do it one acknowledge the request and show gratitude for it. Oh, wow. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm honored you thought to ask me for help. Two next, move on to what is currently meaningful in your own life, including your priorities and focus. I e gently revealing what you'll be doing instead of their request. At the moment, I'm really focusing a lot on spending quality time with the family, especially after Madeline's birth.

Three only then do you say no, but framed in such a way as to highlight that you cannot accommodate both the request and your own priorities. Unfortunately, that means I don't have too much time on my hands for additional projects, so I can't help this time. Four. Close off the positive no with something helpful. Either make a suggestion, point them in the direction of someone who can help, or if you can, suggest in what ways you might be able to say yes. At the very least, you can wish them well for whatever they're requesting. Sorry about that. But now that I think of it, emma has mentioned that she had some availability, so you could possibly ask her. By the way, I hope it works out.

Sounds like such a great idea. In the above, you can see how the no is cushioned in many, many layers of warmth consideration and courtesy. You're doing several things with such a refusal communicating no clearly so there's no room for misunderstanding, guilt tripping, or negotiation. Empathizing with the request giver's position and delivering the refusal in a way that doesn't undermine your respect for them or make them wrong for asking, giving the person a peek into your own circumstances in reasoning so that they are invited to empathize with you. The mere fact of anybody saying no with this much tact and care is an enormous sign. I care about this and about our connection. I care about not offending you, even though I also need to assert this boundary and say no. Try an empathy prompt. In psychologist Craig Malkin's book Rethinking Narcissism, he describes a technique for saying no that can actually soothe the narcissist in your life.

You don't have to be dealing with an actual narcissist, though. The technique also works for anyone you suspect will be overly sensitive to criticism or rejection. Step one is to start by emphasizing the value of the relationship between you both. This offers the other person validation and support, lessening the chances of them reacting in defensiveness. You know that you're one of my best friends in the world, Jane. I value your opinion enormously. You are hands down the most important person in my world right now. Step two is to describe the situation succinctly using the ABCD method, which is not unlike what we discussed earlier in the nonviolent communication section. A is affect I e your feelings.

B is the behavior that you're unhappy with or the thing you're saying no to. C is the consequences of this behavior. D is for describe what you want. I e make a request or say no. I feel completely overwhelmed and stressed out. A when you change our plans at the last minute b and it's beginning to make me feel like you don't care about the plans we make together c I'd like it if we could have a rule where we don't cancel something if it's less than 24 hours away. This is an empathic nonviolent way to be assertive. You don't set up a me versus you dynamic, but instead make it us versus the problem. This technique is also great when you feel that someone has already violated a boundary or ignored a reasonable no on your part.

It's easy to say no to a simple request, but sometimes situations themselves place a demand on us, and we need to find a way to assertively resist them. The Soft Startup this technique comes to us from married marriage therapists doctors John and Julie Gottman. It's useful for bringing up a concern, gripe or issue, but without it causing upset or starting a fight. According to the Gottmans, a hard startup is where you use accusatory language and lash out at our partners with you language you make me so mad. You always do this. You're being so immature right now. This is hard language because it comes across without any care or kindness. Instead, you need to lead confrontations with a lot more empathy, especially if it concerns someone very close to you, like a spouse. Start by asking if someone actually has time to talk.

Don't just spring it on them. Then complain without blame by beginning with terms like maybe you didn't realize that you were doing it, but earlier on I understand that it's been a difficult time lately, so this is not easy to bring up. You know, I absolutely love that you're so excited about the new puppy, but I've noticed that doing so cushions any conflict or criticism in a package of mostly kindness, warmth and understanding. Something else to keep in mind is that things will be far easier if you are in a relaxed state when you bring up your issue or kindly refuse a request they're making. If you are bringing something to their attention, choose a time when you'll both be receptive and available. Take plenty of deep breaths and speak low and slow. All these things will send the unconscious message that you're not presenting a threat of any kind if they bring up the issue and you're feeling defensive or upset. There's nothing wrong with pausing for a deep breath or even asking if you can step away and come back to the conversation later. The Empathic Communication Toolkit for Handling Conflict empathic communication is not always easy, and it's seldom done perfectly.

When there are delicate feelings involved and high stakes, it's normal to feel a little apprehensive or misunderstood. But the good news is that this kind of engagement gets better with practice. In fact, the more you bring this attitude to your closest relationships, the more you will indirectly teach others how to connect with you. And you might find with time that you both learn a few good habits along the way. Here are some conversational tools to stock your empathic communication toolkit with, along with some concrete examples for what it looks like out in the wild. None of these are one size fits all, however, as always, use a little common sense and think carefully about the unique person in front of you and what the social context you're both inhabiting demands. Open ended Questions when in doubt, ask a question. Take a step back and release tension, putting them in the driver's seat for a while. If you feel some resistance from the other person, pause.

Put your guard down and lead with curiosity and respect. Oh, what would you know about it? Well, perhaps I don't quite understand, but I'm listening. Now, what am I not seeing? Tell me. Anytime you're in an argument or an emotionally difficult conversation, use open ended questions to signal your willingness to remove your own judgment from the equation while still asking for what you need. This will keep you both empathic and assertive at the same time. You're telling people that even though you're saying no or bringing up an issue with them. You're still interested in their perspective and are still available to listen and empathize.

As I said, there's not much I can do about my work schedule, so it's a no from me. But can I ask why has it been so hard to get reliable? Babysitters? Zoom in on strengths, not deficits, both yours and the other person's and in the situation as a whole. When you say no, make a complaint or bring up an issue, people may accurately or inaccurately hear the hidden message something is wrong here, something is lacking. If you focus instead on what is right with the situation, you counter this impulse to hear criticism or rejection, which only causes people to shut down consciously. Choose to recognize the positives. Even if you're raising a legitimate complaint. Nobody is misguided in every area of life, and even if you are correcting their harmful behavior or asking for an apology, try to remember that this person also has positive qualities.

Very few people intend consistently to do wrong, and nobody wants to feel incompetent, evil, lazy, reckless or untrustworthy. Use empathy to imagine what they most like about themselves, and try to acknowledge that even in the midst of conflict. Look, I've always admired how much you clearly care about your kids, but little Johnny's behavior is really unacceptable. Let them go first. It's not just polite to ask people's feelings before expressing your own. It shows empathy. Let's say you wanted to bring to someone's attention the fact that they're comments during a meeting were inappropriate. You could use a soft startup approach and begin by asking what they thought and felt. I wanted to have a quick chat about what you said in the meeting earlier today.

I think you probably know the comment I'm referring to. I just wanted to properly understand what you meant. Could you clue me in on what you were trying to say? It may be that after one further explanation, you realize that you've misunderstood the comment and the conflict is gone. Or if there really is reason for hurt feelings, they are far more likely to hear them, since you went out of your way to give them the floor and listen to their side of things first language that normalizes. What can put people on edge is simply the recognition that someone else is unhappy that there is a conflict, or even that they're in line to receive criticism or complaints. It's a big problem, but there is one way to communicate in which you don't pathologize the other person or imbue the whole situation with shame and a sense of catastrophe. It's a good idea, even during conflict, to remind people that they are not alone and that there's not something uniquely bad or wrong about them, even if the current situation is difficult. In terms of being assertive and empathic, this means saying things like do you think you could wash up the dishes when you're done.

I've noticed a few times that the kitchen's been a mess afterward. I know I'm totally lazy when it comes to cleaning up after myself, and I sometimes need a reminder, too. It's okay. I know that when people are stressed, they often can't help lashing out at those closest to them. I get it. That was a perfectly understandable response. Conciliatory body Language just because you're being assertive, saying no, or having an uncomfortable conversation, it doesn't mean you can't continue to express empathy and a spirit of cooperation. Try to stay mindful and maintain eye contact. Smile if appropriate.

Maintain a warm and relaxed tone of voice, and keep an open body. Scan your posture for areas of tightness, an automatic and unconscious reflection of fight or flight being activated, and choose to soften and open instead. Uncross arms and legs, unclench your face muscles, and use gestures that emphasize open and extended hands. Let's take a quick recap of today's summary highlights to be both assertive and empathic. Use techniques like the Positive no or the Soft Startup when setting a boundary, when managing conflicts or difficult communication, remember to use open ended questions. Focus on strengths, let the other person lead normalize rather than pathologize, and use open. Conciliatory body language to show that you're on the same side. We appreciate you joining us today, and as we mentioned, this is the last episode from Patrick King's book, Train Your Empathy. Be sure to check it out on Audible, itunes, and Amazon, or for the print book, it'd be on Amazon as well.

Check out the author's website at bitly pkconsulting. And while you're at it, catch up with us@newtonmg.com. If today is your birthday, you share that birthday with Grayson Crisley. IU is that how you pronounce that name? Janet Jackson? Pretty sure that one's correct. Megan Fox and Tori Spelling. Quite a list. And if you'd like to join the birthday list, just send me a note at podcast at newton mg.