Chris Guerrero | Acting, Veterans, Woke-ism In American Colleges

24th December 2024 • In The Keep • In The Keep

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this is probably one of the big like

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obstacles currently in life right now I mean I'm about to turn 30 mhm um my life

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feels like a complete disaster although it's not I know it's not it feels like

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it but it feels like my life um had like a lot of really heated

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potential before I got out of the military I was like uh I was I was like a [ __ ] oneman

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wrecking crew at one point I mean I was singing dancing and acting while I was

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working those crazy like shifts at the weather Hub I ran on basically no sleep

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I was on some really intense sleeping medication I was on ambient for for two

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years um and I was just I had this dream

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that I was going to get into uh an acting school that would respect

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me and take me in and and and give me the experience that I was looking for when I was getting out of the

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military and so I I used the military as this this vehicle this like financial support this

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uh this vehicle to support me financially uh to give me a little bit more confidence in life with with life

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experience and and what I went through and and how I felt coming out of it and all the discipline I received and I

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think um I wasn't always happy with everything the military gave me but uh at the end of it I what I

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really realized I had I had missed out on or um I didn't have great control

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over as a civilian before I went in was how to manage my

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emotions um I'm an extremely emotional person I I think arguably you would

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probably call me um like hyper sensitive I would definitely I would

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absolutely say that about both of us oh I'm so sensitive and even as a child I

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mean I was I was always told by both parents that I'm just too sensitive I'm just too sensitive and uh it's a part of

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me that as a boy as a man you know becoming a man um I've had to learn like

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that's that's really who I am um and the military taught me that that

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there's there's a way to control it um regardless if I want to or not if

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it's not within my ideal choices of what to make in life um when it comes down to

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the mission or work or goals or or a really big decision that needs to be

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made uh the military taught me how to put those emotions away for a second

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think about efficiency think about what is the best the best strategic way to

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accomplish this goal and and do that put

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your emotions aside for a second and and do that and uh I think coming out of the

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military and trying to be an actor again trying to figure out myself emotionally again has been uh an enormous

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struggle I find myself being um feeling

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uh like my emot volume has turned down now that I've come out

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um I tend to not I don't know uh I feel so cold all the time I think

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that's the best way to put it I feel uh isolated um

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misunderstood I tend to feel um stiff cold

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uh frustrated uh um I don't seem to wake up with a

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recharge of energy like you know if you plug me in like a phone and I woke up the next day and I was at 100% that doesn't happen

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anymore I'm I I just want to say everything you're saying sounds like really familiar and you're absolutely

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not the only person who goes through that like the I think the for me like the transition back to being a civilian

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was like way harder than it was to become a an Airman or whatever like like

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when you first first joined that was really difficult I actually got uh diagnosed with like adjustment disorder

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like a few months into my first station they were like oh no you have like a problem I already knew like something's

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not clicking with me and there were like you literally have issues with like adjusting to new situations and yeah uh

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that was like a difficult because I was initially kind of angry about it like I thought I have depression I have anxiety

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I have something but like when they just like the word adjustment disorder I had to go like later look it up in like the

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DSM and like understand what that really means but I was like are you just saying [ __ ] suck at like adjusting like what

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are you saying I'm here I'm [ __ ] doing the work like all that kind of stuff but I was also 20 years old and I had a big head and a lot of other things

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about that but it's something that I've come to like kind of accept and I don't like to think about things and and like say I have a disorder you know because I

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feel like that sort of gives power to whatever the problem is that you're facing but I would say that I certainly

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don't uh do well with having to quickly adapt to new situations the way that you

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might ideally have in in a soldier an Airman a marine you know that kind of thing uh so that was like you were

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talking about how it g gave you that ability to kind of set your emotions aside and deal with the task at hand um

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that was definitely something I needed because prior to joining I was the kind of person who like basically if I had to

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work five days in a row I was missing one of those days like there I was just so like I don't I like I would wake up

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in the morning and be like I don't [ __ ] care about this why am I doing it and it's because I hated what I was doing um and I hated the situation I was

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in in life and it was like I had no motiv like what's my motivation to get up and go make eight an hour or whatever you know that kind of thing um but to to

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get back to what you were saying specifically about setting your emotions aside I almost think the hard transition

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for me was realizing that I overdid that being being in the service like I I went so

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fully into setting my emotions aside that I like M I don't know if forgot like I never learned how to be be okay

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with having emotions I would just put that aside and bottle it all up and drink it all away and then uh it took me

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years after getting out before I I had lots of friends that were super helpful like my friend Kai who was also on the

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podcast he's also he's a Navy veteran from the from the Netherlands actually um and he did it he was in the

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Army prior to the Navy and had served in Iraq and everything and he he was like

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the most understanding about it he was just like super like no dude like I I get what you're talking about like he

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just like let me speak without telling me how I should feel um and eventually I

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don't know that I got over it but I've made a lot of progress in terms of just being able to like it's okay to cry like

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I I would for for the longest time dude I would have like these insane panic attacks where I would just be sitting in

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a room with a lot of other people and they're all laughing and having a great time and I couldn't figure out like why am I so [ __ ] angry right now like why

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is every little thing pissing me off like every Everything someone says and it's like no one's doing anything wrong

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and I just feel like suddenly like alone in a crowded room and I'm having this argument with myself and then I would burst into tears and like run out of the

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door and then like my my parents you know this is when I had first come back home after leaving the Air Force and and

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my I I remember like I was so embarrassed I didn't want to anyone to see me being emotional at all you know I

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wanted to act like I was like [ __ ] I'm tough and I you know I don't I have that military bearing and all that [ __ ]

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and I was so afraid of like if someone sees how much I'm struggling they're going to judge me and my dad was like

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dude we just want to like we don't care that you're upset or that you have these problems or whatever the [ __ ] we just

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are confused because you just run out of the [ __ ] door crying like a maniac and then come back and pretend like it's

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all okay that we we want to help you we don't want you to be dealing with that

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by yourself and that was such a huge thing too was just like all of that that

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voice in your head that tells you everyone's judging me they all know what you're doing all this kind of [ __ ] it's like they just most people just want you

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to be normal like um but how's it been because I

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think what I got out in 22 January 22 and it was a little bit

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longer after that that you got out how was that

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th of: 20123

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and I had I think 70 days of sick leave that I was using to get ready for

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whatever acting College was going to pick me up uhhuh so what was complicated about the whole scenario of August 19th

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2023 was that I auditioned I think for about seven or

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eight acting programs all across the US I went in person as well as online uh

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went through multiple rounds to be an actor in college it's not a typical sending your transcripts and see if you

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get you know send a transcript in an essay and why you want to go there and see if you get there for an actor you

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that wants to be in a Bachelor's of fine arts program not a Bachelor of Arts those are two different things to to be

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in a Bachelor of Fine Arts program at a highly regarded acting College

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University you have to audition usually two to three times before you're

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accepted and your your pool of people that go to these things is enormous so for juliard which is

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regarded in in the entire Globe as the top acting school in the entire

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world is it bigger than the the school in Russia like in terms of prestige okay yeah

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juliard now is is every all countries from all over the globe are trying to get into juliard interesting of all Arts

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too it's not just acting so people from China they actually just opened a Chinese uh

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juliard um and that's the only one that's overseas but um any country you can think of that has an extremely

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highly regarded talented person applies to juliard so this is this is the biggest example out of all the eight

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schools when you when you audition for juliard at a program like this

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you're you're competing for there's Nine undergraduates and Nine uh Master's

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students and so I'm competing three to 4,000

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people to get these nine tiny slots okay graduate program so if you want to be

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one of the special nine that gets into the program every year obviously you have to

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be whatever it is that they deem what they're looking for

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right so in my head at the time when I was getting out of the military I was like okay I'm G to make myself the most

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the most sharpest acting weapon you've ever seen so I I spent a year doing

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ballroom dancing oh I I remember and I was intense about it I

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mean I was I was probably ballroom dancing at least like 10 hours a

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week getting prepared to be better than the guy next to me uh I took singing lessons I think

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twice a month uh and they really helped out a lot because I was not a strong singer that's probably my weakest my weakest

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point of being a performer um and then I took acting lessons from a guy who graduated from

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juliard with Adam Driver in his class Adam Driver is the actor from so crazy you just brought up Adam Driver yeah he

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he he graduated from juliard years and years and years ago uh he's now kylo Ren in Star Wars he does a bunch of other

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stuff but uh it might be that you told be this but I was watching the movie uh

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marriage story oh man I've seen that where he's has that uh scene where he's

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just like in the bar with all of his uh students or the kid the people that are in his acting Troop that he runs and he

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just has that scene where he just like sings and you can tell like dud Adam Driver is not a singer but like that

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scene is so intense because it's so emotional and it's like even though he's not like a magnificent singer he's his

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performance like overcomes that yeah it might have been you that told me to watch that movie though I think so a

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marriage story is uh it's pretty I mean in terms of that that realism style they

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do it very very well in that film brutal dude like I every time I've watched it three times now and every time I cry I

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swear like it's probably 10 10 to 20 times it's a great movie there's a the scene where he and his wife are talking

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in the apartment arguing has this temper tantrum where he like punches a hole in the wall and you know it's interesting

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to watch these things with other people who have different experiences and they're like who he's such a [ __ ]

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[ __ ] and I'm watch like I've been this dude I have done that almost forbid

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he plays Mar an ex marine in the in the movie interesting okay yeah he's he gets

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out of the Marine Corps and he starts his own Theater Company in New York City that's that's part of the movie okay

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okay um but yeah coming out of the military at the end those last I want to say the last year of it spending all

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that time training uh and then I also got a really interesting opportunity

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from people that didn't really like me in the military for a while um I had an uphill

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battle when I was in in um I constantly struggled with uh my higher ups and so I

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I just learned how to keep quiet keep my my [ __ ] together you know keep my nose

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down and uh when it came to work I worked I learned how to work hard I learned how to work accurately and just

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not give anyone a reason to [ __ ] with me so when the time came to me getting

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out uh I was also getting ready for deployment training I was getting ready

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to deploy to Romania just in case I didn't go to acting school and I knew in my head Chris

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you're you're turning close to 30 you know at that time uh and I was like I can't waste any

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more time not acting yes I'm singing and acting and dancing right now and it's

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not it's not enough I need to be out there with people with like-minded

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people I can't I can't be in the military forever and it sucked because this opportunity

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for the deployment I always I always wanted to go on a deployment in the military when I got in I thought like

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how cool would it be to have that kind of life experience for for you you know only 1% of the American population is

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actually active duty something crazy 1% so for someone to go deploy and

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experience what it's like to be part of something bigger than you oh man like if

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the opportunity had come even sooner I would have taken it absolutely if it came into my second or third year of the military I would have taken it

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absolutely but um it was complicated because I was I was juggling trying to

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get into acting school trying to get out of the military and also considering the deployment because I was getting ready

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for a deployment and so my life was [ __ ] crazy I was the most sleep depraved out of my [ __ ] mind and I

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got over it with a [ __ ] white Monster Energy Drink saying okay [ __ ] like there's caffeine in the fridge

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like the mission is not going to stop because you're you're whining like oh I'm tired I'm tired no man you get two

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Monster energy drinks and you make it happen and you you have to like there's

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there's you the the work has to be done whether you want to all the fussing and

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fighting you have like it must be done there is a time limit and if you don't meet it somebody's going to yell at you

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somebody's going to hurt you uh verbally maybe even physically they're going to

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probably make you clean the whole [ __ ] building for like two hours with a mop and a broom and [ __ ] you and leave

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bye and I uh I had a hard time because I

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found myself very quickly working for a rather large video game company like as

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a civilian as a manager and it took me time to adjust to the fact that I can't

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I'm not going to treat these people like they signed up for it you know what I mean yeah so like that mindset that I

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had of like it the mission must be executed no matter what I don't care if we have to stay up until 4:00 a.m. you

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know [ __ ] like something as simple as like asking someone a question and then they start giving you the runaround and

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I'd be like I'd listen to them for a second and I'd be like wait there are only two answers you can

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give me like it's either yes or I'm gonna figure out how to do it and then I get back to you and that's the only

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options you have and I actually said that to this person then I realized like man he didn't [ __ ] sign up for that he doesn't have to do anything say why

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am I treating people like this but that's a good point um that mindset gets really ingrained in you for sure yeah

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and it's hard because you come out of the military and you try to get a regular job Y and you realize like man

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asking somebody to throw out the trash becomes like a war zone and all of a sudden it's unfair and unjust that they

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have to throw away trash but here you are like I'll throw [ __ ] 40 bags of trash right now like tell me what the

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job what the what needs to be done and go do it like it's not that big of a deal yep but civilians dude I mean to

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get them to do anything at the DMV at the [ __ ] at to get your car serviced

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anything people are just so [ __ ] I don't know what it is they just have

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like they they rights whatever they have

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rights I don't know I feel like if there were more places that adopted that kind

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of mindset of like do anything to get the mission done and then go home get get it over with you know I I I could

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see why veterans are people that you want to hire because they have that initial drive to make make whatever it

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is happen just just do it like there's no question in your mind but yeah uh going back to the time of getting out um

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i' had gotten accepted man it it it was such a ballc Crusher because I I really really really

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really wanted to get into juliard it was my second time a flying and dude all that training that I

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did did help it didn't get me very far but it did help and I was singing

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dancing and acting and crying all at my juli art audition I gave everything

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myund my 200% I gave everything I had and when I got the know I

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mean I walked my cold sorry ass back to my hotel in New York City and I was like

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all right well that one's not going to happen uh and uh I found myself flying

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to Los Angeles I was in the very final rounds of being at USC University of Southern California I tried out at UNS

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uncsa which I just I didn't feel like that program was for me it was too too

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odd too artsy too to left weird uh and then I found myself getting

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accepted CED into a program like NYU unfortunately it was $90,000 on top

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of me using my GI bills so I was like I'm not paying $90,000 on a loan to go

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to college for acting I think that's [ __ ] crazy and people do it people do it actually that's why the program

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exists because people even with my you know assistance people are paying over

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150,000 plus dollars to be an actor at NYU and they're either in crippling debt

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on a potential like it's realistically like the return on investment is most likely

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very low oh it's horrible or they have someone in their life who's financing that for them and then they don't it's

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[ __ ] crazy in many cases like don't appreciate what it is that they have because absolutely and and I was like

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okay well I mean my top choices were just unrealistic and then I didn't get into USC at the end um so I was like

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okay what places did I get into I got into un CSA not for me I can tell they gave me a

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lot of cool opportunities they gave me an opportunity to be either a director or an actor and they had a lot of uh promising

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articles that said oh this this is one of the top programs in in the US but I was like you know what this place is not

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for me and uh I got accepted into another program called Ruckers

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University and when I go on the website when I meet the people in person there claiming that we offer you know a

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traditional training style that's focused in Shakespeare and the meiser

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technique but it's by under Bill Esper's version of the meiser technique and Bill

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esper is quote unquote the rightand man of Meisner and they sell you this and

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say like oh it's it's Meisner it's Meisner so in my head being in Meisner

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actor having five years of Meisner training meiser training changed my

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whole life it's it's one of the biggest driving factors of me wanting to be an actor

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I'm deeply passionate and very well vered in Meisner it it would be a mistake to tell

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me that I don't know what Meisner is I promise you that thank you for listening to in the

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key please consider taking a moment to leave a review comment like And subscribe on your listening platform of

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directly supports my ability to do what I love the most and to take care of my growing family you can find links to

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everything that I'm talking about here over at inthe keep.com thank you bless you and enjoy

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the show when I get to this program which I

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decided on I decided on this program called Ruckers University it was at uh New Brunswick New

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Jersey when I got there I noticed things got

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weird um and I got out of the military I wasn't even technically out of the

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military when I started college I got out so fast and so soon that I was

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actually in college like I think maybe two weeks after I got out of the military actually that's that's about

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what happened I had overlap as well for like several months because I did that skillbridge program so it was like I'm

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still in the military legally and getting paid by the military but I'm already working for another company kind

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of thing what yeah and and when I come to this program I'm realizing like oh

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[ __ ] like what happened to my emotions uh what happened to

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me who am I you know what am I

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anymore and I'm looking I'm I'm in a program where it's not a typical college

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program you're you're stuck with 18 of the same classmates every single day and

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you're in class from 900 am to 5:00 P PM five days a week

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okay and uh between classes and after classes I was working at the Veterans

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Center uh on campus and so my life was basically from 5:00 am I worked out and

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I had I instilled I was like okay I don't have any time to work out there's

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there I have a job at the Veterans Center I have college I have homework I have lines I have projects I have all

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these things to do there's absolutely no way I could work out

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after 8: or 900 p.m. when the uh Veterans building closes after my Shi to

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work like okay I'm not gonna stop working out because Fitness is my second passion in life acting and fitness are

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both my passions in life so I said [ __ ] it I'm gonna no matter what no matter how bad I sleep no matter how bad I feel

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I'm going to wake up at 5:00 am and I'm going to go train and I'm going to train as hard as I [ __ ] can get loaded up

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on anywhere between 100 to 400 milligrams of caffeine I'm going to make a [ __ ] happen I'm going to make it

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[ __ ] happen I'm going to look fantastic on stage I'm going to look [ __ ] great I'm going to feel great I'm going to be the baddest [ __ ]

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you've ever seen in your life and this

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program it ended up being so infuriating and so

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humiliating and so wrong I

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mean these PE these teachers these teachers that I had that claimed they were meiser teachers they were changing

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the sayings of Meisner they were acting like the the old traditional sayings of

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they came out of meisner's [ __ ] mouth all of a sudden can be changed just because he's dead now and the and the

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espers guy is dead now and so these new people are taking it over gutting it out

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and then putting in whatever the [ __ ] they want to put in there and claiming this is

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Meisner and when I saw this happen I questioned everything I was like why why

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why are you doing this to one of the most cherished and beloved versions of this technique this

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acting technique I was so angry right and so confused and so and and and at the time

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I kept my emotions down I asked these questions at a very level-headed

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position and I was like okay what what is going on why is this happening let's get it to a logical and ethical Point

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here what do need to understand in order to be successful at this place and these teachers started telling

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me that I had toxic masculinity because I was in the

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military and they told me that I was a CIS white male that can't understand accountability yet I'm not even [ __ ]

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white yeah my skin is light I have light skin favorite thing about this whole thing when you're I'm actually Hispanic

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I'm Latino yeah that was my favorite my last name is Guerrero if you looked at a [ __ ] paper every once in a while

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you'd see that I'm Hispanic instead of just looking at a bald lightskinned Mexican guy that's what I am

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actually and I realized

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that coming to this acting program that I got accepted into that was extremely

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hard to get into there's thousands of people applying for this program that want to learn Shakespeare and Meisner

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and go to London for a year and and you you're promised all this extensive training and this

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fantastic experience of learning what it's like to do theater with traditional you know whatever and I realized it was all a lie

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mhm and I found myself conflicted because I left the military which

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offered me an enormous amount of benefits for my sacrifices it offered me

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um although it took away my freedoms my personal freedoms it also gave me a lot of Financial Freedom and a lot of

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freedom to say this is where I want to go this is what I want to do and this is how I want to spend my money and and

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also the street cred too I mean being in the military you feel like I don't I I felt like I I was able

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to see and do things that a normal person would never be able to do if you ask me if if if if you asked me before

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the military if I'd ever be a meteorologist making weather reports for

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a You2 spy plane i' think you were out of your [ __ ] mind I would look at you being

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like that's never going to happen I would have told you you were crazy just for thinking I would join the military

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like I was like that's in my try to talk me out of it because they were like this is not you like this is not who you are

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like you not because it's like they didn't want me to do it but they were like everything about your personality

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is the antithesis of someone who would do this and then I at the time I was like it's it's this choice I got to make

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right now and know I have to do this for myself when I uh when I was at Ruckers

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and things were just going south there were a few instances that

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that shocked me and I couldn't believe that this is what college in America was like or especially actors I thought

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going to a very focused program like this meant you're acting day in day out I thought that's what this was what I

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signed up for right I thought I signed up for me day in day out 247 rigorous

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training let's get you ready when I got to this

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place I was dealing with people that were just making [ __ ]

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up and they were judging me and they were claiming they already knew who I was they don't even know who

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I am at all they think I'm this CIS white male that can't understand accountability and this toxic I've never been called these things before in my

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life life and one day there was there was one moment where I was like okay my military

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background kicked in and I was like this person needs to be accountable for their actions if I was this person's

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supervisor or I was watching over this person I would be writing down every

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single little thing that I see you having a I see myself and you having a problem with I logged it in and I

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started going bam like on this date at this time at this place this happened so

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and so is here so and so is here so and so is here and I saw all of these negative things occurring that's what

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happened um and one day this acting teacher the acting

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teacher started claiming that I was this CIS white male that couldn't understand accountability started talking about

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like Jewish oppression how black people are wrongly accused she accused two black guys of

32:24

sexually uh harassing girls in the class or something and she had no

32:30

proof she put them on blast and started claiming that they were going to get kicked out of the college because there's a zero Talent policy for this

32:37

she started making all of the males uh apologize for things I apologize for making a joke about

32:43

benching 225 pounds which is pretty that joke is

32:48

light I said oh well I bet she can't bench 225 I I apologized for that and I was

32:56

like whatever people are sensitive maybe I'm just in the military I don't understand I'm going to apologize for it

33:03

whatever I sat there and I listened to people students that are 18 to 22

33:09

arguing and yelling and screaming and accusing each other of being sexually harassing uh of of not respecting

33:17

feminism fat people rights uh Jewish oppression uh fat people don't get roles

33:24

in movies uh black people don't get the same amount uh time on screen black people don't

33:31

what about that Chris Harley and Jack Black and I don't know I I'm I'm I'm

33:37

reiterating exactly what I saw and what happened and I sat there and I thought

33:42

to myself okay something's not right something is

33:50

not good I'm seeing these three black guys in my class they're all like 17 18

33:56

years old m they are so alarmed and shocked by the

34:01

whole experience that they're crying they're hugging each other in the bathroom they're frustrated they're

34:08

angry and I'm looking at these guys who feel like they're singled

34:13

out and they're crying and they're hugging each other in the bathroom I'm like who else would say

34:21

something who else in this entire room of 18 to 22-year-old kids and then me

34:27

there who's like 28 29 years old yeah I look at it and I'm like I know for a fact the teacher's

34:34

wrong I know it something is wrong because it's this scenario happened for

34:41

like a week and a half and it and different kinds of these

34:47

scenarios kept occurring and meanwhile like not teaching the curriculum correct

34:52

yeah we were not learning acting at all yeah okay maybe she was acting maybe that's what it was it was people

34:58

pointing fingers at each other's being extremely left-winged I would say to the

35:03

farthest point of leftwing ideology and I came here to act I didn't came I didn't come here to be a part of

35:10

politics but I decided okay what is the right thing to

35:17

do and and what is the if I if if I have to be here and I have to succeed here

35:23

what is the right thing to do and and also take care of the other guys that I see crying in the

35:28

bathroom and and losing their [ __ ] minds in this place cuz I'm losing my mind too I can't do this anymore so I

35:35

started from the bottom of the chain I went to my adviser just an

35:41

academic adviser a person that would sign you up for classes I went to the head of the program I went to the chair

35:47

of the program I went to The deans of the program multiple Deans I think I

35:53

talked to three or four Deans and I was showing them a document that I created

35:59

that that entailed all the things that I was concerned about dates times where it happened who was there what what's going

36:05

to go on I battled with this teacher two teachers actually that claimed that I

36:12

was this un unteachable they they claimed I was

36:17

unteachable that I had uh for whatever reason I could not like

36:24

go I couldn't understand the curriculum I couldn't do this I couldn't do that that I was a poor actor I had horrible

36:30

acting skills he shouldn't be an actor and yet they were saying all these

36:35

things because I was revealing the truth about them and when I started revealing more

36:41

of the truth to the higher ups they started to say hey this is not the first time we've heard this

36:48

before uh thank you for coming out and telling us by the end of my first semester there

36:56

or I think it was um it was my second semester at Ruckers I I did a fall and a spring semester so about

37:04

year um it was uh by the end of that semester

37:10

they just let me go with no warning so I didn't have a chance to

37:17

prepare or get ready I didn't it was in a two weeks notice it wasn't like I knew

37:22

that I was getting kicked out it was after that I had started making complaints and starting to look for help

37:28

through Title 9 and other university services that um the university cut me

37:34

from the program uh for artistic dismissal because I wasn't it means that

37:41

artistically I did not grasp the techniques that were given to me but they W techniques they were

37:50

yeah the tests that I failed were performance-based so they're not written exams they're not questions that you

37:56

know you you answer with multiple choice or an essay I got failed because these

38:02

teachers decided that I was unfit as an actor for the program but I believe that

38:08

it was because I complained about the enormous problems that were going on with this program and how they were

38:14

especially treating men males of the program so I got kicked out um my

38:23

confidence destroyed itself in the in the process um

38:29

I looked at New York City constantly because I was I was always being so close to New York from New Jersey I I

38:34

was constantly New York just watching shows wanting to be there in the place that I've always wanted to

38:42

be and I just felt like I was lied

38:48

to here I was in the military working my ass off to be in a program like this and

38:54

it and ended up being a it you ever see that movie

38:59

um the newest Mad Max furiosa I actually have not seen furiosa

39:05

yet I've I've only seen up to the I gu it's the fourth movie in the I won't spoil it but it just it just feels like

39:12

uh it feels like after the military I finally earned my Paradise you know like

39:17

oh this is the place where I've always wanted to be and then I get there and it's [ __ ]

39:23

Barren Wasteland it's just nothing it's just s that's a

39:29

very you had a particularly problematic experience right but it was horrible

39:35

yeah in general like when you hype something up in your head like this is my goal this is my goal and then you get there and you realize it's not all it

39:41

was out made out to be like that's the grass was always you know the grass is never greener on the other side kind of thing um I had a very like I did not ex

39:50

have all this you know people attacking me thing but I did have that experience of

39:56

like I went to Europe you know I had you from the day

40:01

you met me i' been talking about this like this is what I want to do and then I had exactly the job that like I my

40:08

dream job I had a apartment to myself that was like better than anything I'd

40:13

ever lived in before you know I was like I had more money than I knew what to do with and I was more depressed than I

40:19

think I'd ever been you know um and there was so many factors in that like

40:25

that was being away from home you know family you know being alone you know and then and I would say Scandinavia is not

40:32

a good place to be a person who needs a strong Social Circle if you want to just

40:37

move there by yourself because that's not their culture which is not something I could have people told me this but I

40:44

was like oh I'll be fine you know I like to sit inside but it's like I immediately like this the winter time

40:49

where no one goes outside no one does anything like I couldn't handle that but you know and it's not to criticize the

40:55

experience of being in Scandinavia it's a beautiful place but I had built it up in my mind that like my life is going to

41:01

be perfect when I do this and it wasn't you know it was what I really had was time to confront All My Demons by myself

41:10

and when you were saying earlier like who am I what am I you know like that like I was having those conversations

41:16

with myself in a in a bottle of wine every day for months just I had a

41:21

whiteboard I still have it where I would just write my thoughts down and sometimes I would just like take a

41:27

picture and tweet it with no context just like what making this because I was so like desperate to like

41:34

understand you know the question who am I what am I what is this what why did I

41:39

why did I think this would be so perfect and that yet I'm still miserable and and I had so much internal guilt um where I

41:46

was like telling myself like you should be grateful you know how many [ __ ] people will never have the opportunities

41:51

that you have that you know how many people like what you make in a in a month most people couldn't make in six

41:58

years of their life you know people that I grew up around who've never been outside of the county you know and here

42:05

I am making video games for [ __ ] a living living in a [ __ ] Paradise

42:11

Utopia country and I'm complaining what's wrong with me uh but you know the truth is that it's all inside of you I

42:18

think you it's what you make of it uh or at least that's as far as I've gotten but it's so crazy like the

42:25

parallels because I totally agree with you like that the experience of thinking that this is the ultimate goal and then

42:32

realizing that it's like like the [ __ ] biblical story like get into Jerusalem you know and then they think

42:38

okay we escaped pharaoh and then they have 40 [ __ ] years in the desert walking around with

42:44

their dicks in their hands while you know and then Moses dies and then Joshua has to keep going and then they get to

42:49

Jerusalem and it's like oh wait this is the promised land but it's a city called Jer like then they have to fight a war

42:56

and knock the walls down with the trumpets of angels and [ __ ] and then after they liveed there for a long time

43:01

then [ __ ] come and steal the Arc of the Covenant and decimate everybody and scatter them about the world it's like there's that's just like

43:06

a pattern in life dude there's no Promised Land yeah and yeah God damn does it hurt

43:14

when it you find out it's not yeah it hurts so bad I mean it still

43:20

hurts today sounds like it really hurt for you dude like your your experience is uniquely uh discour well I mean it

43:28

was it was a multitude because I uh I I you can't see me on video but um

43:37

I recently lost my hair too even when I got when I got out of the military so I was also trying to accept myself with

43:42

the way I look at that point like I went from being what I felt like was a very

43:48

handsome guy with hair um and then when I lost my hair

43:53

I um I also real I I started getting less

43:59

attention from women um it wasn't the same attention that I was used to with

44:06

hair so that was a transition being able to accept myself looking in the mirror

44:11

saying like this is what I look like this is what I'm going to go out in public looking like and I think for a

44:17

lot of men I'm more comfortable with it now thank God I'm actually considering a hair

44:23

transplant still but uh but for now I I just shave my head I just buzzed my head

44:28

and call it a day got one of those he had the hair transplant back it's different he got it

44:35

he got an fut now it's Fu it's it's a where they cut a strip of skin off the

44:40

back of your head and like put it on the front kind of thing it's not like that anymore yeah yeah now it's all a

44:47

singular process you actually pick out e uh hair follicles on the side or back of your head uh as themselves you don't do

44:55

strips anymore just just the single process of uh plucking it out and putting it on top of your

45:01

head so it's it's different now there's a lot less scarring it's a lot less noticeable it's very

45:08

different but um I'm still considering a hair transplant but when I got out of the

45:13

th: 2023

45:20

bald was it was weird because I came out in into the civilian World being puled um as a new looking

45:29

person um and in the military shaving your head being bald like that's very

45:34

common like it wouldn't be weird to see one of your homies that you've seen all

45:39

your life have hair and then one day he just shaves his head and says this is what I'm doing is a lot of guys just do

45:46

that um in the civilian World it got kind of uh hurtful as a sensitive guy

45:53

you know I had people ask me like aren't you going to do something about it um are you bald like like why don't you

46:00

do something about it it doesn't look good um you would look so much younger if you had

46:06

hair and uh I feel like acting people too are extraordinarily superficial

46:12

because it's extremely superficial you make money on the way you look in a lot of cases yeah yeah and I was around

46:20

these young people that just they had no idea what I had just gone through or what I had seen or what I had heard and

46:27

when I would try to talk to him about it they just couldn't they couldn't comprehend I mean today's today's Young

46:33

Generation between 18 to 22 is in love with Tik Tock Trends and whatever's the

46:41

hottest topic now right now you know and I don't think anybody really had to care

46:47

about what a bald washed up late 20s military guy had

46:54

to say it was a can we sidebar on that for a second because I have theories about this I actually am uh I'm working

47:01

to try to get a like if I can find a teacher who was active if you're listening and I haven't already done it

47:08

by the time you hear this or even then you know and you're interested reach out in the keep.com something like that

47:15

so I'm looking for a teacher who was active from like as early or maybe

47:20

before: 2013

47:26

preferably some where where there's like a large student base because on one hand everything that you just said is sort of

47:32

true of all young people like where they're just they don't have a lot of life experience they have values that

47:38

aren't really fully formed yet and I mean I'm 29 so I'm not like some [ __ ] old dude saying this but like if you

47:45

talk to someone who's 22 now and they're

47:50

not like just the average person and you ask them very simple educational

47:55

questions that I think you you and I and everyone that I've ever known in my life would take would would just be like of

48:00

course you would know that they have no [ __ ] idea like if I said like who was the president during the American Civil

48:07

War and they can't answer that question and I'm like wait wait you you

48:12

genuinely don't know that like why would I know that like who who needs to know anything that happened in history like before I was born like it's not

48:18

important and I'm like wait how did you come to that conclusion like who taught you that I'm like what did you learn in

48:24

school and I've like even my wife is younger too and I was like you know just tell tell me about what what was the

48:30

seventh grade like like what books did you read in the seventh grade you know and and it's not anyone's fault it's

48:35

just like what was the education system like because I wasn't there and I think a lot of parents have been complaining about this my brother is a school

48:41

teacher I talked to him a bit I don't think I'll get him on the record you know but like critical thinking in and

48:48

of itself has see seems to have just not been part of the education system since like

48:54

2015 when and I I want to don't know I'm not an expert I want to align it with

48:59

around the time that uh I think it was involved Bill Gates was involved with this there's this huge push for a

49:06

nationwide uh stem program right so like they wanted all of

49:12

the nation schools to be sort of like regulated on one uh agreed upon like this is what

49:18

we're teaching math in this grade Etc you know and across the board and they wanted to focus on stem like science

49:25

math engineering that kind of stuff technology U and I feel like I don't

49:30

know if that even really improved but what I do know is that it seems like a lot of other things got left by the wayside even my younger brother who's 23

49:38

now so he would have gone through High School a few years after me which is when this stuff started being implemented and even he like he has very

49:45

not a criticism Trent I love you because he's a smart kid and or young man now he's a father of two so I can't call him

49:51

a kid anymore but even he like he really struggles with like you know he'll he'll

49:58

fall for like the stupidest conspiracy theory you know people are like talking about [ __ ] Flat Earth [ __ ] or

50:03

whatever and I'm like okay I'm not telling you that there is no flat Earth but what I'm asking you is can you

50:08

explain to me why you think that and then you get like four or five questions in and they fall apart and they they

50:15

instead of like either coming to the conclusion like I guess I don't know or saying like

50:23

you know or even just saying like oh this is what I think and that's that I I don't want to argue with you they'll

50:30

like get distracted and then move on to something else and like ADHD has become so prevalent I'm not saying ADHD doesn't

50:36

exist but I think a lot of people who are diagnosed with ADHD in fact are just not very disciplined to pay

50:42

attention I think South Park has been talking about this forever and a lot of other people I'm not the first person to have this idea um but it's very

50:49

interesting so like you were pretty much a like a almost 30-year-old guy in a in

50:54

a classroom full of people who are about about that age and can you give any commentary on like what your experience

51:01

was with that yeah I I found it to

51:06

be extremely hard for me to connect with them uhuh um for certain act acting

51:13

classes I needed to walk around a room and be loose so you loosen your body you're

51:21

breathing there's techniques going on you're making weird noises you're making weird faces your gning gning is a very

51:29

weird looking thing yeah yeah and you also need to be making eye contact with

51:36

the other 17 people in your class and acknowledging their presence being in

51:41

the same space is them so you look them in the eye while you're gning and

51:47

getting loose and getting weird with your body and and being free to

51:52

feel as Loose as you can in these in these

51:57

exercises and I noticed oh my God for whatever reason the females in my

52:05

class I would say 90% of them just refused to make eye contact with me and

52:12

it made me feel uncomfortable because it's like why why

52:17

do you feel like you can't make eye contact with me is it because I'm older

52:23

you haven't had a lot of experience being around a person my age before is it because I'm I don't know

52:31

intimidating or alarming to you that you won't make eye contact with me because that's what the program is requesting

52:37

make eye contact with me and so I ask myself you know after a

52:43

whole year of that where it's like I can't connect with these women 18 to 20

52:50

22 uh what do I need to do to make it a more comfortable environment for them

52:56

around me right so I mean that was a struggle

53:05

um I've never heard of fat people rights and even if I wanted to make a statement

53:10

or a comment about that specific topic um I feel like as soon as I open my

53:18

mouth I'm going to be an enormous Target for someone who's a bigot

53:23

who's uh I don't know against feminism for some

53:29

reason masculinity in theater in that in that college program it's such it's

53:34

something so far left masculinity anything masculine whatsoever is always looked at as

53:40

toxic even when we read plays or I or I do a a performance for you I did a

53:47

performance of MC Beth at the college very masculine play uh well it's just

53:54

it's a very violent very violent play um but lady MC Beth is

54:00

arguably uh more of the protagonist than than MC Beth is in this play but I I did

54:06

I did a performance for the psychology department um at Ruckers and they were supposed to evaluate mental health

54:13

conditions Within the play and even after which which these

54:18

people that I performed for they're not necessarily theater people they're psychology people right they're doctors

54:26

they're practicing people there people getting their masters but you know what I found was

54:31

odd in this college setting is that no one really focused on the mental health

54:38

issue or the uh what was what what it was set out to do what the performance

54:43

was set out to do it was set out to examine and analyze the mental health

54:49

issues that these characters had Within the play instead they went straight to saying oh

54:56

like this play doesn't even need MC Beth lady MC Beth is like the real star of

55:02

the show forget forget the male MC Beth what is he even in the play

55:08

for uh go go women go women in power women deserve everything on all this and

55:15

I sat there as the male actor like listening to this and thinking like wasn't the whole

55:22

: 1600

55:29

then you know bringing up like what that might have looked like like back then to now instead we're just arguing that men

55:37

are trash and that masculinity is trash and that women are in power and and it

55:46

made me so frustrated because here I was acting my [ __ ] heart and soul out for

55:52

these people trying to give the most honest performance I could

55:57

and all they cared about was feminism and how much they hate men

56:03

and and and and I I was like okay maybe I

56:09

could fake it till you make it and just work as hard as I can and and let them

56:14

just say whatever they want because here I am acting like all I want to do is act

56:20

but it's just like every point every corner every room that I turned to it was always

56:26

is something to something to just put me

56:33

down and I realized this place is just not for me and and and uh I got kicked

56:40

out of the program and uh did they give you like like I know that you said it was like performance-based like kind of

56:47

like you're not they were saying you can't be taught to act or some [ __ ] like that but they did anyone like sidebar

56:53

with you and be like look this is this is kind of the deal like in the military right if you got paperwork about some

56:59

[ __ ] you know that was like you know that like somebody would usually your supervisor would be like look this is

57:04

dumb as [ __ ] but it's like we gotta basically show that we meant repenting somebody you're the one that's taking the fall sorry you know at least so that

57:10

you know you're not crazy um I had no warning I had no

57:17

nothing it was um it was like an end of semester evaluation just

57:22

to it was going to be all my teachers giving comments about like what I needed to work on and then you know the next

57:28

season you know where are we going to be at with the shows and the program and like what we're expecting of you and

57:34

blah blah blah as far as I'm aware I'm the only guy that got kicked

57:40

out because I complained and I had issues with the teachers two teachers and um no warning no nothing I just

57:48

showed up to this evaluation and I was kicked out immediately and you know what's really

57:54

ironic is uh there was this play I was working on the

57:59

entire year it was called Iron Will and it was an

58:04

adaptation of HP lovecrafts the temple and it was supposed to

58:11

be uh a very I was going to adapt it to be a

58:18

masculine kind of answer to what I was experiencing in college and what's funny is I was going

58:25

to share it I had I had four copies of it I was going to share it with everybody at the evaluation meeting and I was going to be like this is what I'm

58:31

working on this summer I want to finish this play and I want to show you how serious I am about acting and I and I

58:37

really want to be here and I want to be a part of this program and I want to work as hard as I can and you know what's funny they stopped me in my

58:44

tracks as hopeful as I was and they just shot the

58:49

dog shot Old Yeller and said hey man this isn't working out

58:56

I'm gonna have to let you go um thank you for being part of this program um I'm sorry to let you know

59:02

that we're we're going to dismiss you for an artistic dismissal and

59:09

um my military background kicked in you know I just I put my emotions aside and I could have thrown chairs I could have

59:16

yelled at people I could have said a bunch of really crazy [ __ ] but you know what I said man I

59:23

said very well thank you have a have a nice day and I

59:30

left you're a lot more I think I am because and I felt like I would have

59:36

destroyed that entire room if I could if if I let my that's your toxic

59:42

masculinity if I let my instincts really take over and show you what I felt emotionally I mean I would have acted in

59:50

a completely different way um but I knew as a professional as a person that wants to

59:58

be respected I have to walk out of there in a in a respectful way

:: 00:04

so I just walked out of there uh with my emotions in tucked into my my belly and

:: 00:11

uh went home and since that day I I

:: 00:18

um I don't know man I've I've been extremely depressed um I've been angry at myself for the

:: 00:26

decisions I've made and and and uh trying to figure out is this even my

:: 00:34

dream anymore is this Who I Am

:: 00:39

anymore what are all I listen to a lot of Jordan Peterson Dr huberman Joe Rogan

:: 00:45

I I listen to all comedians uh I listen to doctors psychiatrist whatever you may

:: 00:51

think and I and I spent so many hours of my days today trying to figure out like

:: 00:57

well what do these people recommend how do how do you restart your life how do you get it back together how do I I lost

:: 01:03

my way my sleep is horrible my uh depression's

:: 01:12

insane and uh I'm asking myself am I even an actor anymore you

:: 01:19

know am I even uh what's important to me what are what

:: 01:25

are my P passions in life can this is this still meaningful to me and

:: 01:30

so um I'm still I'm still poking at these questions like a

:: 01:37

kid at the beach with a stick and he's poking at the jellyfish you know the dead jellyfish on the ground like do

:: 01:43

something what's what's GNA happen if I poke this jellyfish and uh and

:: 01:51

uh I don't know it's an existential crisis

:: 01:59

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n.com for more info be sure to wish list on

:: 02:38

Steam so first question that comes to mind is did anyone at any point in this

:: 02:46

process tell you what they mean by toxic masculinity or was it just like a list

:: 02:53

of is it like anything you do is or did they say like did did anyone be like

:: 02:59

this is the definition you know this is how it's diagnosed

:: 03:04

whatever I was in the program for a couple of months and the teacher was saying really

:: 03:12

hurtful things like how my previous uh meiser teacher was not a real [ __ ] acting

:: 03:19

teacher and I don't care if this person meant anything to you she's not a real [ __ ] acting teacher get over it this

:: 03:25

is the real Meisner technique and that's the point where I started

:: 03:32

doing a lot of investigating I was like is this person right is this person wrong let's take a step back and ask

:: 03:42

myself was this person who I regarded as one of the most um beloved and and

:: 03:49

special people in my life were they really a fake and it was hard it was a hard pill

:: 03:56

for me to swallow if it was if it was true but I knew that I had to do some digging so the teacher told me read bill

:: 04:03

Esper's book read meisner's book I read both books desperately trying to look

:: 04:09

for an answer to this and I found that neither of them were right but this

:: 04:16

technique that I was learning from this teacher was extremely manipulated it was it was not Meisner by any means of

:: 04:25

the of of the word it was not the Meisner technique it was something different and

:: 04:32

uh when I started to argue with the teacher about the changes like in Meisner you're

:: 04:38

supposed to do repetition when you look at another person you you repeat what you see in

:: 04:45

their behavior and you learn how to Reb behavior from the micro uh movements within the the face

:: 04:52

and you pick up things that people do they don't even realize they're doing it

:: 04:58

they do it instinctually they do it as their DNA code this is what I do when I'm uncomfortable this is what I do when

:: 05:04

I'm angry this is what I do when I'm when I'm sad and after doing after

:: 05:09

reading behavior for many many years you read so many people from the age of 16

:: 05:16

to 80 years old I'm reading Behavior day in day out five years

:: 05:23

repetition this skill set that I learned is all of a sudden told to me

:: 05:29

that this is not this is not acting this is not the real way this is not how it's supposed to be done I had questions I

:: 05:37

was like there's no way I I this this changed my life this specific technique changed my life I I need to know why do

:: 05:43

you feel this way why did you change these things why did this happen and

:: 05:48

when I started questioning the teacher that's when I got called toxic masculinity was because I was asking all

:: 05:55

these these questions that seem to offend the teacher it offended the teacher that I was

:: 06:02

questioning well I wasn't being assertive I was genuinely curious I was like why did this change why did you

:: 06:09

decide to change this or do this this way and I never got real

:: 06:14

answers it was always uh pointing fingers telling me that I'm I'm wrong my

:: 06:20

history is wrong what I learned was wrong uh my entire mindset is wrong and they're going to fix me the military

:: 06:28

[ __ ] me up they're going to fix me my previous acting teacher [ __ ] me up they're going to fix me but I looked back at my time excuse

:: 06:37

me with my Meisner teacher of five years in Austin Austin

:: 06:43

Texas and I knew I knew after talking with my acting

:: 06:49

teacher personally and talking to other people personally that my technique was was

:: 06:55

true it was right I was in in in in the right I wasn't acting like a crazy

:: 07:03

person and I had questions and when I kept asking and digging for

:: 07:09

more answers it it became problematic for this teacher and she uh she became

:: 07:15

extremely hostile towards me to the point where we couldn't even have words together I was on a non-verbal agreement

:: 07:22

with a college professor so I wasn't allow allowed to talk to this person

:: 07:28

acknowledge this person I would show up to Class Act in front of this person and

:: 07:33

then I would get a verbal document in my email saying what I did

:: 07:39

wrong this person even claimed that I was using uh

:: 07:46

unethical and immoral acting techniques in order to in order to get to emotional

:: 07:53

places that um what is mean so I I did a scene in

:: 08:00

class where I was supposed to sing at my father's funeral after he had been

:: 08:05

mugged and shot and killed right and I made up this entire

:: 08:11

scene myself now given my my my history my my

:: 08:18

actual real biological father he died in a car accident when I was 13 I watched the whole process I had

:: 08:24

PTSD grown up as a kid it's it's a probably a story for another time um and

:: 08:30

so my teacher knew that going in and uh I did this scene in act in the acting

:: 08:37

class where I acted like Bruce Wayne from Batman um and in my eyes my father who

:: 08:43

was a completely different person I imagined uh was mugged shot killed and I

:: 08:51

and I was going to sing a song that was very meaningful to me at his funeral the

:: 08:57

song was Patience by George Michael and very very toxic masculine

:: 09:03

guy Geor and when I when I sang this song uh Patience by George Michael and I

:: 09:10

started really letting the tears flow and letting myself be

:: 09:16

truthful you know in the moment allowing myself

:: 09:22

to just be with with the moment this is this is what it feels

:: 09:28

like I really hit it hard I hit it hard as [ __ ] I mean the tears were running I

:: 09:34

felt like my father really was shot and mugged and it was a completely different guy by the way not my real father the

:: 09:41

whole point of of the Meisner technique is to use your imagination under imaginary um use your imagination

:: 09:46

truthfully under imaginary circumstances and so there I was I was

:: 09:53

going all out and the teacher claimed that I was using unethical and harmful techniques to get

:: 10:01

there she has no sheal har like let's just say she could read your yeah she

:: 10:09

guessed that my techniques the what what I was doing was I was using memories of my actual biological father dying in the

:: 10:15

car accident and using that in my acting exercise she guessed it let's just say you let's just say you were right how is

:: 10:23

that unethical or harmful because when you do that as an actor and you do it over and over again you're

:: 10:29

hurting your your your psyche if I was to if I was to imagine

:: 10:35

my if I was to really relive my father dying in the car accident over and over again it's very harmful to a person's

:: 10:41

psyche because you're reliving that painful memory over and over again and hurting yourself in order to get that

:: 10:49

emotion out of you Meisner teaches you how to use your imagination so you don't have to pull from your memories you're

:: 10:55

doing it imaginary so you can go back home and it never really happened your dog didn't

:: 11:01

really get shot and like its arm isn't broken and it's squealing on the floor crying it didn't really happen so it's

:: 11:08

okay so Meisner developed this technique where you're using your your imagination

:: 11:14

instead of your memories to develop that kind of acting style that to to to give you something more than your memories

:: 11:23

there is there is acting teach that that they do practice your memories they they do do that that is a real thing people

:: 11:29

do do that but she claimed she assumed and she judged that I did use

:: 11:36

memories and I took extreme offense to that because I haven't used my memories in years that's why I love the Meer

:: 11:42

technique is because it helped me not use my memories um but I I that was

:: 11:49

another her doing that to me and then sending me to my my chair and my Dean

:: 11:56

and whoever claiming that I was using memories without any proof you can't

:: 12:01

read my mind I I took that very offensively let's Okay so I'm imagining in this

:: 12:08

scenario where like everything is about like not hurting anybody's feelings and being all you know polite and you know

:: 12:16

woke and all this kind of stuff right that let's say you had been a lady

:: 12:22

and done a similar exactly the same scene right about your father or or your imaginary dad who's been shot whatever

:: 12:29

the [ __ ] and you used you did in fact remember that this

:: 12:35

really this thing that really happened to you and that's some inspiration for the scene okay do you think that the same like

:: 12:43

would the teacher have said the same thing like no you're not allowed to do that or was this just targeted at like

:: 12:49

basically the sounds like she just kind of hates men sounds like I don't know probably her dad didn't like her very

:: 12:55

much or she didn't like her dad or something I'll never know we had one student who I won't name she

:: 13:01

um she was in a thong and a extremely thin bikini this girl was 18 years

:: 13:08

old and she was acting like a what look I I don't know I don't know the context

:: 13:13

because they don't give you the context you just watch but it looked like she was a hooker somewhere she had a razor

:: 13:19

in her hand and she was rubbing it all over her body and she was crying and then somebody comes to the

:: 13:25

door and knocks on the door knock knock knock and she's freaking out and crying and and having a panic attack and puts a

:: 13:31

jacket on herself and opens the door what are you doing here what are you doing here I don't know I don't

:: 13:37

know now that doesn't sound so crazy over over podcast but why is it crazy to me as a

:: 13:44

29-year-old man at the time it's crazy because I'm scared to look at an

:: 13:49

18-year-old girl who's in a thong and then all of a sudden I looked at her wrong I

:: 13:56

I looked at her lustfully and all of a sudden I'm claimed as this sexual

:: 14:01

predator that is looking at this young woman on stage doing this thing it's it

:: 14:09

it made me uncomfortable you know what I mean and I complained about it I was like the reason I'm not watching this performance is because I I everything

:: 14:18

every little thing that I do at this program is microscop it's like somebody's got a

:: 14:24

microscope and they're analyzing me every second every moment of the

:: 14:29

day to to complain about me for something something and I just felt like I was

:: 14:37

walking on eggshells at every single room every single hallway that I was in

:: 14:42

everything I did was wrong from my acting performances to the way I felt

:: 14:48

about how the class was going to my conversations with with the professors I mean everything it was

:: 14:55

horrible and I I came out of the military thinking this was everything I ever could have hoped for and wished for

:: 15:01

and then I got there and it felt more more restricted and more like a

:: 15:08

prison than I ever thought it would be and um it didn't help that even in my

:: 15:14

personal life as a regular like outside of the acting program when I would go out to bars and clubs as a as a new

:: 15:22

civilian dude I got jumped at a club and I got beaten up by five guys at a club

:: 15:28

in New Jersey for doing nothing I didn't hurt any I I didn't I didn't look for trouble

:: 15:34

I got jumped by five men beating the [ __ ] out of me and my two other friends for for nothing I didn't do anything did

:: 15:42

they take your wallet they smashed my body into the floor and I got glass all over my right

:: 15:49

arm but but there was like no like they weren't taking anything they were just

:: 15:54

no basically to beat some people up they just hurt me the whole experience of me going to college in New Jersey was

:: 16:02

traumatizing I mean it was awful it was depressing it was it was frustrating it made me question my

:: 16:08

whole my whole life I mean here I thought coming out of the

:: 16:14

military this is what I earned this is what I deserved you know I I fought for this and I get there and it's a

:: 16:22

[ __ ] it it's like Fury fosa like Mad Max furiosa I I get to this promised

:: 16:28

land and it's all just [ __ ] sand and depression for me and uh I get I get kicked out and I

:: 16:35

end up um moving to Charleston South Carolina where one of my best friends

:: 16:40

lives and um I'm just trying to put the pieces back together now

:: 16:47

um I'm trying to ask myself am I still an

:: 16:52

actor can I still do this this my my whole life's passion and work and love

:: 16:57

towards this um this career field acting is this still even Who I Am

:: 17:04

anymore I'm I'm turning 30 next month who am

:: 17:09

I what do I do and I'm here in Charleston and I'm

:: 17:15

saying you know what one more one more step one more try

:: 17:21

before you call it quits before everything is put down you've got to do one more so I I do have

:: 17:30

one more play coming up in February I'm going to be playing uh dogs Boro and uro

:: 17:36

Yuri yui uh it's a Breck play and uh I'm going to be doing it

:: 17:42

here at the Char College of Charleston and um this play that I'm going to be doing

:: 17:48

in February is uh it's a test to

:: 17:56

myself I think after I do this play in February I'm going to

:: 18:01

know through and through no questions asked am I an

:: 18:06

actor is this still for me do do I still keep

:: 18:11

going um I've lost the love of my life doing this job I've lost holidays I've

:: 18:19

lost um the traditional American

:: 18:25

family Outlook you know you want to have a good job by 30 you want to have uh you

:: 18:30

want to be married with possibly kids you know you want to you want to have a a savings plan a retirement plan ready

:: 18:37

to go you want to have all these things the only thing I've ever cared about since I was 18 years old is being an

:: 18:42

actor how do I get on stage more often how do I perfect my craft how do I make

:: 18:47

this a career that's that's been my only concern and now I'm turning 30 next

:: 18:53

month and I'm and I'm like if this play does not work out for

:: 18:58

me if I don't feel those feelings that I felt since I was 18 then um it's time to

:: 19:06

hang up the cape it's time to hang up the cape say this hey man I gave it I gave it 12

:: 19:14

years of my life and uh this is where I I'm at my

:: 19:20

Crossroads and I say you know what I'm going to pick up a new job a new trade a new degree a new

:: 19:27

something I don't know I don't want acting to end right now as we speak on this

:: 19:32

podcast right now I don't want acting to end but

:: 19:40

um I'm so hurt depressed uh lost angry

:: 19:49

frustrated that I don't know if um

:: 19:55

I don't know if I can do this anymore and

:: 20:02

uh I'm I'm considering really really crazy [ __ ] I'm considering

:: 20:08

like what could I do it if I was talking to Jordan Peterson

:: 20:13

or Joe Rogan or Arnold schwarzen or somebody that I really admire across from the table and ask

:: 20:20

myself what did you do to become a very successful whatever

:: 20:25

bodybuilder uh psychologist podcaster commentator whatever

:: 20:31

comedian I'm sure that all of them said that

:: 20:36

they they looked at themselves one day and asked what are all the the stupid

:: 20:42

unreasonable things that I'm doing with my life and how do I stop them and be more towards the things I'm I'm I'm goal

:: 20:49

oriented towards so I'm thinking of completely giving up video games I've been I've

:: 20:57

been gaming forever feels like it feels like I've been video gaming my whole life since I was a child what if I gave

:: 21:05

up video games completely what if I got my sleep under

:: 21:10

control for the first time in my life what if um what if I got so fit and so

:: 21:18

shredded that I was undeniably possibly a model what what if

:: 21:27

what if what if I made an a a social media account

:: 21:34

that's worth looking at and um and selling myself as a product that

:: 21:42

actors kind of have to do today like like what if I went this far what if I was the next Sam silik what if I was the

:: 21:48

next Joe Rogan what if I was whatever what if I am Chris Guerrero and I and I go out there and I and I'm Rocky you

:: 21:54

know I'm on my I'm down on my luck nothing's working out but I'm

:: 22:00

GNA I'm gonna I'm gonna train for this fight like it's the last fight of my

:: 22:07

life and that's what 30 feels like it feels like I'm training for the last fight of my

:: 22:12

life I think any of the people that you just named would say you're only 30 like

:: 22:18

they're all much older people like for I'll just use Dr Peterson I'm also man I

:: 22:24

actually have his autograph of his I got a I got the weo wrestle with God

:: 22:30

autographed um which is really cool it's incredible it's it's on the kitchen counter I haven't read it yet I have

:: 22:36

like a [ __ ] you know how I am dude I have like six books like next to my chair in the living room just I'm

:: 22:41

constantly going through different stuff but um like I mean even him in his like

:: 22:47

late like he went through the whole I'm sure there's lots of [ __ ] but just what he talks about publicly like with his daughter like being born with like

:: 22:54

[ __ ] up arthritis and like that whole process and then changing his diet with her and then that [ __ ] him up and then

:: 23:01

he was addicted to [ __ ] benzo dipine he had to like go away for years and like travel to I think Russia to to find

:: 23:09

a doctor that would help him they would put him under while he went through withdrawals even you know so that he

:: 23:15

could get off the [ __ ] without it you know being horrible and I've never withdraw from Biz diab have never even

:: 23:22

done them but uh alcohol with no joke dude like one of the worst worst

:: 23:28

and best things I've ever been through in my life like it was horrifying it was worse than any psychedelic trip that the

:: 23:35

worst bad trip you I could imagine but also I walked away from that

:: 23:40

experience learned so much about myself and like completely changed it took me time still it wasn't like night and day

:: 23:46

but just a lot of like reevaluating my

:: 23:52

relationships you know who do I spend my time with what like how are they affecting me and how am I affecting them

:: 23:58

you know and whoever that may be um what like what what is my routine the all

:: 24:04

kinds of stuff that I was just basically burying in in alcohol and and pot um for

:: 24:10

years you know so Peterson you know came back from that

:: 24:17

you know but it was hell to go through that it was [ __ ] arguably worse than just being so

:: 24:23

addicted to some substance that trying to quit to the point where you have to go to Russia to get a doctor to [ __ ]

:: 24:28

help you that's extreme you know and he got through it or at least apparently he's gotten through it you know watching

:: 24:34

his or listening to his podcasts and and his his lectures and stuff like even now Rogan I mean never had a drug problem

:: 24:42

but like his entire life was just taking really extreme risks I mean as a martial

:: 24:47

artist and then uh after that like going and trying out for he was on that [ __ ] really shitty TV show it was

:: 24:53

like a baseball show and then that fell through and he's like a [ __ ] broke kid in Hollywood or whatever the [ __ ]

:: 24:59

and then ends up just one day just gets news radio and that's pretty much where his career took off um meanwhile the

:: 25:05

entire time you know being a starving artist doing standup comedy then got

:: 25:10

into the UFC literally by just like being present you know taking the risk to go do that and I think if you talk to

:: 25:19

any of those people they would just like yeah but they're they're in their like 50s you know you're your life's not over

:: 25:25

it's not your last fight at 29 like that's not possible I know I feel the same way you I'm I'm practically the

:: 25:31

same age as you and I have had that so many times like one really good example was um you know when I was a kid my

:: 25:38

dream was to be a pro wrestler that was my whole life and I'm 5 foot seven 140 pounds I'm not a big

:: 25:44

dude but I really really wanted to do this and so I was like my entire life

:: 25:50

was working out in training and doing Promos in the mirror recording myself

:: 25:55

like anything I could to get an edge as a wrestler and to the point where I had planned to move to Canada to go train

:: 26:01

with Lance Armstrong [ __ ] Lance Armstrong Lance Storm who's a renowned

:: 26:07

renowned world renown wrestling trainer um and knowing full well that I would never really make a living it's a very

:: 26:12

small chance I mean very small chance um but then at the time I was like you know I had other [ __ ] going on at home and I

:: 26:19

decided to stay there but I had gone to Georgia and taken like a course

:: 26:24

for like a week to just get familiar with the ring and how that [ __ ] Works come back and hire a trainer and I'm

:: 26:31

going to talk about him um he's not here to defend himself um I want to say beforehand I do have a lot of love and

:: 26:38

respect for this guy but my trainer was a guy named Dalton cross and

:: 26:44

uh you know he was like the have you ever seen the movie The Wrestler with

:: 26:49

Mickey rort yeah he's like a really [ __ ] up like old school wrestler that

:: 26:55

just his whole his family his life his mental health is all just in the [ __ ]

:: 27:00

you know that's that's this guy right and you know he like the guy who's

:: 27:07

passed his prime constantly CH tracing a something from his past kind of thing um

:: 27:14

and he didn't have any money watch that movie again actually that'd be C great movie Darren aronowski dude best I love

:: 27:21

every single one of his movies I've ever seen um including I don't care what people say but yeah so this guy was like that

:: 27:30

and but he was kind of like he had this really sick almost like a cult leader

:: 27:35

Vibe about him where he he was undeniably one of the most charismatic people I've ever met in my life like he

:: 27:41

was so good he was very much like Jake the Snake Roberts if anybody's a wrestling fan like he could talk so well

:: 27:48

he could convince you that he [ __ ] built the 16 probably um and I was a pretty slick dude like I wasn't like a

:: 27:55

[ __ ] idiot where I just believed everything everyone said to me but I saw like I could spend time around this guy

:: 28:02

and learn a lot and I did and some of it was so much more than just wrestling it was just like how to deal with people

:: 28:08

how to how to have people pay attention when you speak how to speak how to you know when you're doing business

:: 28:15

especially in wrestling business where it's like shady as [ __ ] how to not get screwed over tons of stuff I learned

:: 28:20

from this guy I think I paid him a total maybe of like $1,800 bucks over the course of liketh you know just is like

:: 28:26

you know keep keep me keep working with me you're my trainer we would spend hours like in the living room just

:: 28:33

watching tapes of old matches or old promos with him just kind of like

:: 28:38

pausing it like what did you get from that you know very similar to some of the ways that I've heard you talk about like how you study actors but in this

:: 28:45

case it's more than just like a performance in terms of like acting at a scene but also like the physical aspect

:: 28:51

and the Showmanship aspect of like more like theater uh than I would say like

:: 28:56

camera or television um and you know this was a he was never

:: 29:04

gonna take me anywhere like he we did we're talking about like really small scale [ __ ] like we're he's not going to

:: 29:10

get me into the [ __ ] WWE or TNA at the time or any of that [ __ ] I knew that

:: 29:16

but I also knew instinctually like if I just hang around this dude I'm am going to learn a lot about this business and

:: 29:22

about my life about what what not to do in a lot of cases and I've had a lot of great relationships with people that

:: 29:28

were like I'm going to learn what not to do by being around you to be honest but I mean he was he would tell

:: 29:35

people like he was in ECW WCW had done some matches for WWF and all this kind

:: 29:41

of [ __ ] it was all [ __ ] nonsense it was no he didn't do any of that crap as far as I know if he did God rest your soul man I love you in either way but I

:: 29:49

mean I watch this dude like also just kind of deteriorate over time to the point where he got uh put in prison or

:: 29:55

jail I I should say it was jail um and I was like visiting him and was like dude

:: 30:00

could you just give me a hundred bucks for the commissary and I eventually had to like cut off that relationship because I was like man this has just

:: 30:07

gotten to the point where it's just sad and I I can't help you you know I'm a [ __ ] kid uh but you know he treated

:: 30:14

me like I was his own son in a lot of ways and was very much like a a sort of

:: 30:19

a an extension of a father figure um and then I got in with another crowd of guys

:: 30:26

that were also wrestlers in the same area and they were all telling me all the same [ __ ] that I already pretty much

:: 30:31

knew like yeah he's [ __ ] you know all this kind of stuff blah blah blah blah blah and I didn't care I was like I

:: 30:37

just want to wrestle I don't politics and who how people feel about each other all that stuff is not important to me

:: 30:43

like what I care about is the goal which is I want to have gold around my waist and you know the crowd and all that kind

:: 30:49

of stuff um and I was getting really in my opinion and a lot of other people the times opinion I had potential you know

:: 30:56

you got spunk kid that kind of thing you're going you you could really go places if you try and the trainer that I

:: 31:03

was working with his son I'm not going to say anybody's names because they're probably still around I

:: 31:10

don't want to incriminate I don't have any hard feelings this just a good life lesson we were training one day and his son was I suspect uh had been doing some

:: 31:19

elicit substances as he was known to do and I don't think that cuz he was

:: 31:25

probably our age now you know then this is God you know a long time ago a decade

:: 31:33

ago maybe more but he didn't really like

:: 31:39

without he was never mean to me or anything but he clearly had a chip on his shoulder that like he knew he's never [ __ ] going anywhere because he

:: 31:44

can't kick the [ __ ] drugs and he's not going to get a real job you know he's just one of those guys um but his

:: 31:51

dad was like this kind of like local Legend sort of dude and everyone was kind of like pushing me to be like dude

:: 31:58

you're going to be you're going to be our Golden Boy and we all got your back and we're going to take you places and I think that he maybe subconsciously like

:: 32:05

resented that in a way but he was all [ __ ] up this night and he's like let's do chair shots and like any wrestler

:: 32:12

nowadays would probably be like that's [ __ ] insane you shouldn't do that like which it means like hitting you on the top of your head with a steel chair

:: 32:19

the way they did in like the 90s and I was like uhuh dude I'm going

:: 32:24

places like I'm not [ __ ] do especially not for training like you're going to do that to me we're going to do it in front of a sold out [ __ ]

:: 32:31

audience right like it's got to be worth the money at least and we're not making any money here and there's no reason for

:: 32:36

me to risk getting a concussion for that and then they bullied me into it and then so when he did it he hit me not

:: 32:43

with the flat part of the chair but with the rim of the chair straight across the top of my head and I was like cool I

:: 32:49

took my bump I rolled out of the ring and I was cool but then like you know

:: 32:55

those moments when like you don't hear anything like there's just no sound and

:: 33:01

like everything slows down and I was like kind of standing on the side of the ring and I touched my head and there was

:: 33:06

just blood everywhere like leaking out of my [ __ ]

:: 33:12

skull and I was like [ __ ] I'm screwed man like

:: 33:17

I'm this this like I didn't know what to do like I could barely form words and uh they put me in a car put a

:: 33:25

towel on my head drove me to my mom's house dropped me off and left because they didn't want like liability for this

:: 33:32

essentially and then my mom ended up having to take me to the hospital PID my medical

:: 33:38

[ __ ] bills I had Staples across my head like I still have scars from this

:: 33:44

uh and this was the worst concussion I think I've ever had you know like I've had a few but this was one of if not the

:: 33:49

absolute worst one so bad that like for hours after this I never lost

:: 33:54

Consciousness but like I could think what I wanted to say and I could not summon the motor skills to use my mouth

:: 34:00

to say them I could like type to my mom like this is what I'm thinking or feeling or whatever but I couldn't like

:: 34:07

orate and it was terrifying it was so scary um because I thought like I'm just

:: 34:12

I'm permanently screwed now I have brain damage or some [ __ ] and I two weeks and I was back at it again after I healed up

:: 34:18

and everything um and that broke my spirit dude like just like what you were just talking about like I was like uh I've

:: 34:25

tried I've gone to all the all the trainers I've trusted all the wrong people and my dream's over and I just

:: 34:32

got a real job worked you know got a girlfriend moved out of the house all that

:: 34:38

[ __ ] uh and then one day when my old trainer my original trainer got out of jail he called me and he was like Tyler

:: 34:45

I heard what happened to you and I want and I had several people calling me like don't let this break you man don't let

:: 34:51

it break you like you're you're just because you had that had experience and all that [ __ ] um and then I ended up

:: 34:58

going back to the original guy and he had a new house after he got out of jail and all that kind of [ __ ] and uh started

:: 35:04

working with him as a trainer I was like training other guys and instead of me paying him now he was like you know

:: 35:10

basically using me but I mean to to train other people to do the job and it was like reinvigorating my I was getting

:: 35:16

more and more comfortable with the idea of doing it again by just helping other people do it and then eventually I got

:: 35:22

back in the ring me and him had a few matches and [ __ ] and then I joined the military not too long after that and I

:: 35:28

didn't wrestle for the entire time and I had pretty much made up my mind like well that dream's over like that's never

:: 35:34

happening now then when I got to Denmark I was doing that Realms deep

:: 35:39

event and I had been doing this whole like WWE style blood Feud with Mike

:: 35:45

Jared for a couple of years at that point I was like what if we [ __ ] did some badass wrestling [ __ ] uh it doesn't

:: 35:52

have to be anything serious but then I and ended up meeting Luke fenan who's the guy that like choke slams me off the stage and [ __ ] in England well I met him

:: 35:59

in Germany he's English um and he me and him just bonded over we were both former pro wrestlers who just found ourselves

:: 36:05

in the video game industry and he's like yeah mate I could do some crazy stuff right you know we got a stage we got [ __ ] lights and everything and then

:: 36:12

he ends up doing that and then I go get a [ __ ] title belt made and the next thing I know I'm touring around Denmark

:: 36:17

with body slam Pro Wrestling doing matches and like be like referee what do to help out but just being involved in

:: 36:23

the business again and it's not like I want to go be a pro wrestler right now

:: 36:28

but what I do know is that it's not as black and white as like this is my last

:: 36:34

shot I'm never gonna like so I'm I'm 29 now I'm in Dallas Page one of the

:: 36:39

wrestlers of [ __ ] had a match until he was like 35 you know and that's when his career

:: 36:45

started so I know at any time if I really just get amped up even it doesn't

:: 36:50

have to be my whole life I could just be like I feel like doing a few matches I could go down to the gym train with some guys work it up you know have a show do

:: 36:57

a match here or there and then walk away from it and get that out of my system but not make my like bet my entire life

:: 37:05

on it I don't have to give up my wife and my kid and my house and my career and video because I don't want to give

:: 37:10

up my career in video games I love this life that I have built for myself but if I need to go do that I can and as long

:: 37:18

as I don't get another [ __ ] concussion that turns me you know into a a vegetable I think I'm okay I don't

:: 37:25

know why yeah it seems um it seems like you you're you're trying to leave that passion of your life available to you no

:: 37:33

matter what the circumstance is what it sounds like yeah um for me

:: 37:41

I I don't know I just know that

:: 37:47

acting God damn man I mean it's it is not only is it super competitive but

:: 37:53

you don't usually get paid a lot you you usually get paid pretty

:: 37:59

minimally um your your work life balance as an actor

:: 38:07

it's like only whatever you book man whatever you book is whatever you get

:: 38:13

and uh if you book one show in the entire year well that's what you

:: 38:19

got um I'm trying to I'm trying to be realistic about it and be like

:: 38:27

okay well if I can't be an actor could I be a writer could I write could I possibly

:: 38:34

become a playright could I possibly edit television scripts could I possibly

:: 38:41

whatever I I just need to be connected to acting in some way but lately in in in my life it feels

:: 38:49

like the answer is no you can't

:: 38:56

and I'm just trying to fight for that existence every single day at this point

:: 39:01

it's like is this still is is this still Who I Am Can can I do this 10 years from

:: 39:07

the road you know into 40 and uh I don't know I have this

:: 39:15

weird this weird calling after my father's death to to be

:: 39:21

an actor and um it's hard to talk to my family about it MH it's hard to talk to

:: 39:28

my my close friends about it you you're one of the easier ones to talk about it

:: 39:34

too but it's it's weird you know I I don't

:: 39:40

care about getting married I don't care about having a house and and uh having

:: 39:46

kids right now and as much as I'd love to have kids and have a house and be married and blah blah blah um

:: 39:53

I'm turning 30 next month and the only thing that I really want in this entire

:: 39:59

life is just to be an actor I I don't have anything else there's nothing nothing I I don't have anything

:: 40:06

else that's it I I just if it were my

:: 40:11

choice if it were me to tell you how I wanted to die tomorrow I want to be 95

:: 40:17

years old on stage playing Death of a Salesman

:: 40:22

and see William and I want to die on stage I want to have a heart attack right

:: 40:28

there and when I get whisked away in the ambulance and there I am my

:: 40:35

heart's failing I was on stage and I

:: 40:40

died I feel like that's how I want to go out regardless of

:: 40:46

children love of my life passion being married whatever the [ __ ] people care

:: 40:51

about today uh uh being famous I really don't give a [ __ ] I

:: 40:59

don't right now today in this moment I wish that I would be 95 years old still

:: 41:07

acting on stage and my heart just gives out my organs just give out they just said hey

:: 41:14

man you died loving what you love to do being truthful in imaginary

:: 41:21

circumstances that's what I want I don't want anything else in this world if I could be acting every single day of my

:: 41:27

life I would and I say that out loud but what am I doing right

:: 41:33

now what am I doing I'm I'm going to college for theater and a Bachelor of

:: 41:39

Arts program now it's not it's not as intense as a BFA um and I'm learning the history uh

:: 41:47

language I'm learning uh mathematics and and all the other [ __ ] they teach you in

:: 41:52

college um but uh I I got an opportunity to act

:: 42:01

I got an opportunity to act in in uh in February and I

:: 42:08

know um I got the play coming in next week or actually I got I got the play coming in Wednesday and I know that if

:: 42:15

if I don't take this seriously if I don't care about it as hard as I usually do then this just

:: 42:21

isn't for me anymore and um maybe it is time to grab a trade or a or

:: 42:26

a real job or a I don't know some other goal or passion life maybe I could be a

:: 42:32

cop maybe I could be a an acting teacher I don't I don't

:: 42:38

[ __ ] know but it's complicated right

:: 42:43

now my whole life feels like it's questioning itself and I don't know where to go and and

:: 42:49

um you know like Dave Chappelle used to just go to the park in like

:: 42:56

Seattle with a [ __ ] microphone and a karaoke machine and just start doing standup yeah I've heard about that story

:: 43:02

like that kind of [ __ ] I'm I'm not saying that you shouldn't do everything

:: 43:08

you can to live a full healthy life I 100% like what I want for you as your friend regardless of what you want is

:: 43:13

for you to be like happy and healthy and balance and if you want to die doing Tennessee Williams at 95 I hope you're

:: 43:20

happy also not just there um but I will just say if it's so

:: 43:27

extreme to whatever your dream is out there I don't know if it's so extreme to you that you absolutely must do it and

:: 43:33

you don't if in your own words like I don't give a [ __ ] about the the house and the money and all that let's let's

:: 43:38

correct that Death of a Salesman was written by Arthur Miller I knew somebody else I knew it wasn't Tennessee Williams

:: 43:45

I wouldn't know um but you if it's that extreme where like

:: 43:53

I don't care about any of these other things that come along with it fame money for any of that [ __ ] you just want

:: 43:58

to do it then what like because you're already writing your own scripts like what's preventing you and me from like

:: 44:06

writing a script getting a bunch of people together who are passionate about acting and renting a public space and

:: 44:11

putting on a show like there's there's the only nothing we could be doing audio play I have everything right here like

:: 44:18

we could we have microphones we have like we could do [ __ ] audio play we could do anything we want Show Business

:: 44:24

and I'm not saying that it's like what's your your dream is to be on you know on stage and you should do that but I mean

:: 44:30

like we we could just have so much fun like life is just full of options it's not just this one thing you ever see um

:: 44:36

you ever see that movie Birdman by yeah dude Inu oh my god dude it's [ __ ]

:: 44:43

incredible Jennifer Lawrence great um anyway the movie is about actors

:: 44:51

Michael Keaton right in it Edward Norton's in it sound the soundtrack dude Zack gakis is in it the

:: 44:59

drums that movie is one of the only very very few movies that that's that's

:: 45:05

specifically about acting like like what acting is what it's about What actors go

:: 45:11

through um and I and I watch that movie and it

:: 45:16

gives me chills I mean it makes me want to cry

:: 45:21

just thinking like that's all I ever really wanted in this entire life that we that we're given you

:: 45:28

know whether it be from God or or from some other biological Source I don't

:: 45:35

know but I feel

:: 45:41

like if I was just given free choice like like if if I was given

:: 45:48

the opportunity to choose my life and how I live every day single every single day I

:: 45:55

wouldn't it's so weird because I try to talk to people about this in my in my personal life and um professionally

:: 46:04

educationally whatever and all I've ever really wanted

:: 46:10

was just to sorry just just to

:: 46:16

act that's all I care about you know and um

:: 46:23

the feeling of it is uh it's so

:: 46:28

psychedelic it's so surreal it's

:: 46:33

so I think when I when I first realized what acting was about it was uh it kind

:: 46:39

of felt like being um Neo in The

:: 46:44

Matrix when when Neo touches the mirror and it and it engulfs him and he uh he

:: 46:52

finally gets unplugged from The Matrix in the back of his head and he he sees

:: 46:57

what real life is like it sounds like it's a very spiritual experience for you like you

:: 47:04

yeah you feel like it's your calling like this is I'm supposed to do this to be an actor and and to feel it it uh and

:: 47:12

to really be there and and to do the process moment to

:: 47:18

moment there's uh there's nothing else in this

:: 47:25

world that I can possibly think of that's as strong as

:: 47:31

that and I wish I could do it every waking moment of my life and

:: 47:40

um take take a minute if hard it's hard to understand because you know as a

:: 47:45

child when when my father died acting became um this way to understand how to

:: 47:51

live life instinctually truthfully how to how to how to live imaginary versus

:: 48:00

you know the reality of my life at the moment and and when I learned what acting

:: 48:07

was uh through through Meisner and through through my teachers lessons and

:: 48:13

and and how to how to balance it all and

:: 48:18

um there was nothing there was nothing in this entire un

:: 48:23

not a single drug experience not a single uh moment with anyone not um not a dream

:: 48:34

nothing there was nothing that could compare to the strength and the the

:: 48:40

clarity and that moment where

:: 48:47

I'm connecting with someone in this in this reality

:: 48:53

of what we call life into um into a moment into a moment where I'm

:: 49:02

sharing this dialogue in this complex human

:: 49:10

emotion and I'm peeking into someone's

:: 49:16

Consciousness and I'm feeling wants you know as a person and I have

:: 49:24

needs and I'm there in the moment looking at them trying to figure out what this

:: 49:32

scene is about whatever the writer was intending to write this scene of what it was

:: 49:38

about and to peek into someone's

:: 49:44

Consciousness and and feel them and allow myself to feel how I feel

:: 49:53

and be there that there's nothing else in this world that feels

:: 49:59

so I don't know psychedelic so so energizing so it feels like life is

:: 50:06

worth living for you

:: 50:12

know that's what that's what chasing you know that's what I'm chasing is is that

:: 50:18

uh that feeling over and over and over and over again and I wish

:: 50:25

um I wish more guys that had PTSD like I did when I was a

:: 50:31

child knew I I wish there were more children and more people that that went through what I went through as a child

:: 50:37

watching my father die I wish they knew that there was

:: 50:43

um there's something more to that experience and um I I found

:: 50:49

it and um God damn it I wish that's that's all I

:: 50:55

want to live for still today and if I have to put it away in a box and and say

:: 51:01

you know what this isn't what life is about you know it's time to move on the world

:: 51:08

doesn't need me they don't need me to be an actor right now then okay but until February

:: 51:17

of 2024 I'm G to put it away until that

:: 51:25

time and so I I make myself these ultimatums or these um these challenges

:: 51:30

to to let myself know like is is this still for me so I just feel like it doesn't have to

:: 51:37

be that extreme like this just like this play right why does it got to be your last play why does it not just like your

:: 51:43

first play of this era of Chris Guerrero right like Bowie right one of my

:: 51:49

all-time favorites constantly reinvented himself and dealt with very D [ __ ] you

:: 51:55

know like for like multiple years would just be like surviving all [ __ ] cocaine and milk in his apartment until

:: 52:02

he had this Epiphany to reinvent himself in this new way so he'd be Bowie and then he would be you know the [ __ ] uh

:: 52:09

Ziggy star dust and and so on and so forth Madonna I don't know much about her personal life but you know same sort

:: 52:15

of thing constantly Reinventing herself and if you have to like take time that's that's the key thing that I

:: 52:23

keep like kind of like recurring to in my thoughts about like a lot of what you bring up it's like if you if you have

:: 52:28

three years from today to the next time you perform and then you come back hard like [ __ ] uh like think think about

:: 52:36

uh oh my God Robert Downey Jr and what he went through yeah and then he came

:: 52:42

back and he he was better than ever when it came back it's okay like be depressed

:: 52:49

you it's been so long since I've been on stage it's been so it's been so uh complicated and and

:: 52:58

so um so unfair and and

:: 53:04

uh so confusing that I I just don't know until I get back up up there on

:: 53:11

stage I need to know I need to know like if I could if I get up there in

:: 53:17

February and and I still love it you know as hard as I do

:: 53:23

I need to know I need I need to know that like me deep

:: 53:28

down was I meant to do this for the rest of my life I need to know and it's a

:: 53:35

scary question it's a it's a it's a painful

:: 53:42

question because I've spent so much time chasing this one thing

:: 53:47

that you know it's still it's still 12 years later it's still not what I want want it to

:: 53:54

be but I feel something oddly

:: 54:00

enough I feel something deep down in my heart in my bones in my

:: 54:07

brain this is all that matters and

:: 54:14

um I just when I get back up on stage this

:: 54:20

next time I I'll

:: 54:26

know I think I'll know whether it's time to to put it up or uh to move on or to

:: 54:32

to keep going you're already there man I just I just need to know when I when I'm

:: 54:39

physically on stage did this matter enough

:: 54:45

again and that's how much it means to me and it's weird because you know when

:: 54:52

I when I talk to friends or family or or or anyone about this most people walk

:: 54:59

through their lives and they don't have a passion they don't have a thing that they wake up every

:: 55:06

morning and they wonder you know like what do I do with my life what is

:: 55:12

Meaningful to me what do I do who do I care about who do I

:: 55:17

love and mine is so it's so so simple and so concentrated

:: 55:25

and so direct all I care about all I've ever cared about is this one thing that

:: 55:30

saved my life when I was

:: 55:36

young and I just I need to know physically right

:: 55:42

now do I do I still love

:: 55:49

it during this podcast I feel like I still love it I mean why would I be why would I be crying over it right no I

:: 55:56

feel like you clearly you love wrestling or I love wrestling already you I'm such

:: 56:03

a sensitive guy at the end of the day I really am and it's hard because you know

:: 56:09

being a sensitive guy you know you're always questioning your masculinity like you know how hard am I

:: 56:15

whatever um acting to me man it's um

:: 56:25

it's what I dream it's what I fantasize it's what I

:: 56:30

imagine it's what I daydream it's what I sleep dream

:: 56:37

it's every waking moment of my life is always asking myself what am I doing to

:: 56:43

detract myself from this passion in my life and I know what is I know what is

:: 56:50

detracting me from it you know um all the time that I could have been spent on on making film

:: 56:57

scripts or theater scripts what am I doing I'm playing [ __ ] video games

:: 57:03

I'm being depressed in my room I'm walking around I'm hitting the gym

:: 57:09

nonchalantly when in reality you know what the real thing I should be doing is is connecting with

:: 57:15

people that are like-minded I should be I should be positive I should be waking up every morning and thinking God damn

:: 57:21

it I have another day to do this thing to go chase it and it's so hard to be positive when the last what it feels

:: 57:29

like five years of my life have just been so um

:: 57:36

destructive and hurtful and um misguiding and confusing the last

:: 57:43

five years of my life have been really challenging when it comes to this this crafted that I love there's going to be

:: 57:50

so many times where you have like a role in your future right a career or even

:: 57:56

just a actual life decision when every single one of those challenges is going

:: 58:01

to make sense when you approach a situation and you're like I've seen this

:: 58:08

before or I've made this mistake or I've seen someone else make this mistake or

:: 58:15

make this Choice the correctly and these are the results they got or whatever it's really easy for me to sit

:: 58:21

here and say because currently I'm in a pretty stable emotional head space which is rare you know but to be completely

:: 58:28

like I know like when the microphone's on I come across is like man Tyler's a really smart dude he's got a [ __ ] together but the truth is I mean just

:: 58:34

like you I'm a ridiculously sensitive person and I have all kinds of issues and I've struggled with them since I was

:: 58:41

a child I mean I have so many times

:: 58:46

where I'll I'll just catch myself falling into an old pattern like it could be as simple as like a

:: 58:52

disagreement over a [ __ ] I don't know why is this towel on the floor and I'm like for me it escalates to the point of

:: 59:00

like this towel is on the floor because you don't respect me you know it's because you're not listening to like how I feel you're not consider like the

:: 59:06

truth is just like this towel is just on the [ __ ] floor who cares like the dog didn't mean to [ __ ] drag the towel

:: 59:11

there it doesn't even know any better why am I so [ __ ] but I I got really used to because of the way I grew up I

:: 59:17

think like everything has to be a [ __ ] like you have to stand up for yourself or you won't get anything you know like

:: 59:22

and you have to be the loudest person in the room or else no one will hear you and you know sometimes it's just something as simple as like my you know

:: 59:29

my wife being like you know you don't have to be the loudest person in the room I'm listening to you like I care what you think and I'm like oh yeah I'm

:: 59:36

an idiot it's the most cliche [ __ ] ever but like it the is I still struggle to this

:: 59:44

day like I every time I look at someone else [ __ ] enjoying a beer I'm like God [ __ ] a beer would be so nice right

:: 59:51

now but I just can't you know and that's okay and I a big transition

:: 59:58

for me too was like learning how to be around other people and respect that that's something that they can do comfortably and it's just not some a

:: 00:04

door I need to open for myself because ultimately what I care about you know you really care about like this one

:: 00:10

thing in life is the most important thing right and that was for me for the longest time was always like my career

:: 00:15

you know it was like the number one my I'm married to what I want to do for a living and the [ __ ] instant that I

:: 00:25

knew I was going to be a dad that all went out the window now it's like I

:: 00:30

don't need a career what I need is to be a good dad and part of that is to have a

:: 00:35

healthy career you know I don't I I look at a video game and it's like on one hand I really am passionate about this

:: 00:42

game but not only it's not just because I want to make the greatest piece of art in the world and have people give me

:: 00:48

[ __ ] Awards and [ __ ] because I made such a great video game or people to tell me how amazed they are by this

:: 00:54

[ __ ] uh I don't know decision that we made in the design or whatever the [ __ ]

:: 00:59

what I care about is that when my kid grows up and they look back at what

:: 01:04

their dad did with his life are they gonna be proud of that you know when I'm when I'm like I my grandpa passed away

:: 01:11

the first day I was filming the last real te that we did and I got the phone call and I could have flown home right

:: 01:17

then and there but they told me like my dad was like he would have wanted you to finish what you're doing like like he was that kind of guy he's like [ __ ]

:: 01:23

put your boots on go to work uh what he would have wanted was for me to see that through and so I put everything I had

:: 01:29

into that performance for him but then I think about like what kind of man do I want to be and like I want to be the

:: 01:35

kind of guy that my granddad is where it's like when he when he died like you're talking about dying on stage and people applauding your performance or

:: 01:41

whatever the [ __ ] like when they when people knew he was dying like because we knew ahead the time thousands of people

:: 01:49

would come and like burn out their hot rides in our Drive way and [ __ ] to pay respect to my grandpa because they loved

:: 01:56

him so much because they respected him as a as a man not as the guy who worked at Shell chemical and retired not as the

:: 02:05

race car driver not as the you know the hunter the fisherman or the you know fan

:: 02:11

of football none of that [ __ ] [ __ ] mattered they were like he was a great

:: 02:17

dude and like for me when I look into like I look at my wife's tummy and I see

:: 02:23

that little critter grow in every time we see an ultrasound I'm like what are they what are they going to think of me

:: 02:30

what are my grandkids going to think of me what in 10 Generations from now when someone's looking up their ancestry.com

:: 02:35

on Mars they want to know what great great great great grandpa of Tai was like or

:: 02:41

great you know whatever I hope it's a rad story and I also hope that they think that was a good

:: 02:48

person yeah and and something to Aspire to to Hope to be like and not I don't want to be I don't want it to be like me

:: 02:54

where I grew up being like I don't want to be like this I don't want to like you know like I I don't want them to be

:: 03:00

afraid to talk to me I don't want them to think that I'm gonna [ __ ] yell if they leave a towel on the floor I just

:: 03:05

want them to like think that I'm a good dude and something to be like hard work dedication all that stuff empathy I'm a

:: 03:12

I'm I'm a month away from 30 so I mean I constantly think about

:: 03:19

like kids and and and you know what it would be like to have a future generation of of mes running

:: 03:26

around and you know how do you choose the right partner to do those things with but that whole thing still to this day

:: 03:35

is still just so it's like it's so it's so far as a

:: 03:42

second step still for me and I know that it's real I know that it's still important to me I know

:: 03:48

that that's a part of of being a a human in this life is is procreating and and

:: 03:55

having someone after you but very very far away up at the top of

:: 04:03

the mountain for me is to just be acting every day all

:: 04:11

day nothing in between I

:: 04:17

would I I don't I don't know what I would sacrifice I would sacrifice quite a lot

:: 04:22

lot to just live that that lifestyle every single day one day you might be

:: 04:28

practicing scenes with your daughter you don't know like I don't know I promise you like I I know it sounds so [ __ ]

:: 04:34

cliche because so many people say this but like the TR really it does not happen until it happens like the moment

:: 04:41

that it was real is when the switch turned in my head like I got sober that

:: 04:47

moment like I don't want to be an alcoholic because I don't want my kid to see that and grow up with that and it

:: 04:54

was just like a I know a lot of people even still struggle with it afterwards and I'm not saying it's not a struggle but I'm just saying like that was a

:: 05:00

light switch it was that fast for me like that's over like that part of my life is done I mean it got real [ __ ]

:: 05:08

spiritual on man I was like I I don't care what just I was like so depressed

:: 05:14

man for so long and I would be like praying like please just give me some

:: 05:20

reason to KCK this habit to to stop hurting myself and to like love life again and I had a moment like that like

:: 05:28

earlier in the day and then I picked her up from the airport and she came home and she was like gave me her suitcase

:: 05:34

she's like can you open that for me I need something out of it and I open it up and it's like baby bags with like all

:: 05:40

the little you know basically like Daddy's first parenting kit kind of [ __ ] and I was just like I burst into tears

:: 05:46

and I like fell to my knees I was like this is The Universe telling me to [ __ ] be a man like set everything

:: 05:54

that I want aside and like [ __ ] live for this yeah and it was super emotional

:: 06:00

like I can't I and then I was like for weeks after that I was like over the moon and that first week of detoxing

:: 06:09

from basically drinking all day every day was hell it was the second time that I had like quit quit like

:: 06:16

that uh the first time I had to be hospitalized because I like I said earlier in this like I was [ __ ]

:: 06:22

hallucinating like bad trip for like four straight days but even still like

:: 06:27

it's just [ __ ] rough and it's like and when that becomes like your you know your go-to your comfort zone every time you have like a oh this is a little

:: 06:33

stressful I'll just take the edge off when you don't have that anymore you actually have to like figure out how to

:: 06:39

deal with your feelings too and I I know I'm kind of rambling here but like the point is like it life is so much more

:: 06:45

than just the one thing you think is important it it's got to have a bigger reason than

:: 06:53

just that and I totally get where you're coming from because I'm not saying you're wrong I don't know your path may

:: 06:58

be different from mine but I had exactly the same mindset of like I ju if I and I

:: 07:04

kept doing it like you're were saying like making these ultimatums like if I could just get to Denmark if I could

:: 07:10

just publish that game if I could just finish this thing if I could just make this business deal then I'll [ __ ]

:: 07:17

finally be complete and every single day that that would happen I would feel a high and and then I would go home and Dr

:: 07:22

myself to sleep because I was like the high doesn't

:: 07:28

last I don't know I don't know I mean if if if you gave me my perfect

:: 07:34

world I don't know

:: 07:39

um it's complicated getting people always talk about how

:: 07:45

women feel complicated in in into their 30s because you know that's when

:: 07:51

the uh the windows kind of closing process yeah that the process of of procreating becomes uh smaller that the

:: 07:58

window you could be like David Letterman just popping him out in your [ __ ] 80s I think I feel it I I I feel it as a man

:: 08:05

I I feel it um truthfully um but at the same time

:: 08:10

there's there's just nothing that's that's that's as strong as as that feeling of acting

:: 08:17

nothing um

:: 08:22

I just

:: 08:29

uh I don't care um I just need to know I I need to know

:: 08:36

by the age of 30 if this is still as passionate and as

:: 08:42

crazy as I am as I was when I was 18 is is it still there is it still as strong does it

:: 08:48

still make sense does it still what I wake up in the morning and I and I know I'm doing it

:: 08:54

today does it still um does it make me feel like a Super

:: 09:01

Saiyan like I wake up in the morning and I can turn on that Super Saiyan button

:: 09:06

and go like bam like there I am like I'm ready to go and until that day where it

:: 09:14

doesn't I'll give up I'll know that it wasn't for me and

:: 09:20

that uh I can move on and and I can say I I did my best I got as far as I

:: 09:27

could what today today right now what is today today is Monday December 16

:: 09:36

2023 24 24 uh today right now December 16

:: 09:46

2024 um when I wake up 11 wait wait 111

:: 09:51

make a wish 11:11 p.m. when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at

:: 09:57

night I'm still [ __ ] angry I'm still [ __ ] enormously angry I'm frustrated

:: 10:06

I'm depressed I'm I I want to destroy the entire world I want to destroy

:: 10:11

myself because I'm not doing the thing that I love every day and I know that when that feeling

:: 10:18

ends when I no longer feel that tornado of

:: 10:24

emotions haunting me and and and stalking me and

:: 10:31

and moving me I'll I'll give up and it's not there yet I still feel

:: 10:39

really strongly about about acting so I'm going to keep pressing

:: 10:45

through and it's painful and it's scary and it's uh it's weird and um it doesn't it won't make

:: 10:54

sense to a lot of people I don't give a [ __ ] I just know that um I can feel it

:: 11:00

it's it's it's underneath my skin it's in my bones it's in my heart it's in my

:: 11:05

brain it's in every waking moment when I look in the mirror I see it and until it

:: 11:12

stops existing in my reality I'll give

:: 11:18

up but come February I'll know so that's where I'm at

:: 11:26

today and because you you said the the phrase like in my perfect world like I I

:: 11:32

feel like it the way that you talk about acting as if you talk about it like it's

:: 11:38

in this magical and tangible thing but I guess the question that I have for you

:: 11:44

is like what exactly is the goal like aside from the dying at 95 thing on on

:: 11:51

stage doing not Tennesse Williams uh like what what would be like a just

:: 11:57

describe like a week of doing exactly what you love living yeah I actually um

:: 12:03

I was listening to a podcast with Dr huberman in and I think a female doctor

:: 12:08

as well and they were talking about how you a a psychological exercise that's

:: 12:15

really good to practice is um is one where you would imagine your perfect day

:: 12:20

how does it start how does it end what it What What entailed In It MH and I

:: 12:27

actually I took it to heart I took I took to heart this exercise and I excuse me I asked myself like what would a

:: 12:34

perfect day be like for me and I have I have the perfect day I have

:: 12:40

it thankfully for this interview um my perfect day starts around 9: or 10

:: 12:48

a.m. doesn't have to be exact and I wake up next to a

:: 12:53

woman who I'm not only physically and emotionally attracted to

:: 12:59

but I feel like I'm connected to on a molecular level on

:: 13:06

a faith level on a on a um interesting word on a level on a level that

:: 13:15

um is is impenetrable and when I wake up next to

:: 13:20

this person I look at her I say good morning and we get some sort of hot

:: 13:26

beverage into our system and we're walking at least two miles in the morning

:: 13:32

together and on this walk we turn our cell phones off in my perfect world it's chilly it's

:: 13:40

around 65 to 70° we have a light jacket on we're walking 2 miles in the

:: 13:46

morning and if we're not doing lines together to help me get ready for the day which you know is a little uh it's a

:: 13:54

little demanding asking her to do my lines with me in the morning if it's not that then it's you know what's going on

:: 14:02

with our lives how does she feel today how do I feel today what are the things that we're uh we're looking forward to

:: 14:09

what are the things that are obstacles you know for us what do we want to accomplish at the end of the day how do

:: 14:15

you feel today and after that two mile walk I'm a

:: 14:21

imagining it's around 11: 11:30 a.m. I'm back home I'm taking a shower I'm

:: 14:28

checking my emails I'm uh maybe I got a Zin in my

:: 14:33

[ __ ] mouth maybe I got more caffeine in my system and we're ready to go Jack

:: 14:38

and I'm looking at my email and I'm saying okay I got a couple of offers I got a couple of scripts I got a couple

:: 14:44

of things to look over maybe I wrote a few things and I needed to edit them and you know uh I'm acting I'm I'm writing

:: 14:51

I'm maybe directing hopefully that'd be kind of cool uh and once that's

:: 14:57

over it's go time I'm auditioning I got my camera out it's around what 12 1 pm

:: 15:04

in the day I'm auditioning I'm I'm sending in my auditions for the day uh all right that's over with it's

:: 15:11

23 PM my wife she's either at work working with the kids she's at I don't

:: 15:17

know maybe she's supporting me I don't I don't really know help me with my lines my auditions I don't know she could be

:: 15:23

doing any of those things don't necessarily need her to do those things but if she does them well that's

:: 15:30

ideal all right it's 2 pm you got to start doing your lines you

:: 15:36

got to show you got a rehearsal at 7 800 p.m. at

:: 15:41

night I better have my lines down I'm running around the house like a headless

:: 15:46

chicken spitting out lines in different ways and verses and different ideas I've

:: 15:53

got a giant white uh dry erase board full of all of

:: 15:59

the lines that I need to do and all the ideas and bubble maps and all the all the notes I have and and and I have a

:: 16:06

computer that's on it's got all my notes and all my all my things like written

:: 16:11

out and ready to go and I've done all my research on this character that I need to do for my lines for that night that

:: 16:18

rehearsal all right it's over 7 8:00

:: 16:23

p.m. I'm walking on the the film set the uh the theater whichever the two and I'm

:: 16:31

there and I'm ready to go and I've got all my lines I've practiced a million times I've done my research I'm ready to

:: 16:38

go and my wife is at home either taking care of business you know

:: 16:44

cleaning kids maybe she has her own job I don't [ __ ] know I don't I don't really care as long as I'm here at this

:: 16:51

job making the money I'm good and I'm doing it the right way and and I'm doing it with my full heart's intent and there

:: 16:58

I am acting I don't give a [ __ ] if I'm the main character I don't give a [ __ ] if

:: 17:05

I'm the [ __ ] I know the uncle to the protagonist and I have 10 lines I don't

:: 17:11

give a [ __ ] I'm there doing the best job that I can and uh there I am rehearsal rehearsal is

:: 17:18

probably till 1:00 in the morning morning 1:00 a.m. I come

:: 17:25

home and this person that I decided to share my life with is taking care of

:: 17:30

whatever needs to be taken care of and uh I'm very thankful for the life

:: 17:36

that I've been given I say my prayers love my wife love my

:: 17:43

family and godamn it we get up and we go up to 78 a.m. and we do it again and we

:: 17:48

do it again and we do it again and that's my life that's what I want I just

:: 17:54

want to act have a living from it and

:: 18:03

uh love someone the way that I would love them and

:: 18:10

um it's complicated trying to make that happen in real life

:: 18:18

but I don't I don't want anything I I I'm not a complicated guy that's what I

:: 18:23

want it's I just want to act so what's the what's preventing you from like you're

:: 18:30

in Charleston area right yeah what's preventing you from like going to the local theater company and just telling

:: 18:37

them like hey I'd like to be part of the company well they have uh they have I

:: 18:43

think um yearly auditions to be part of their Theater Company I just got here uh

:: 18:49

but I think the auditions are are in December January February time frame and then you go in and you audition for

:: 18:55

their yearly season you know do you do you qualify to be a musical do you qualify to be in a play blah blah

:: 19:02

blah um and I've asked myself like would you if if you weren't in college would

:: 19:08

you be like in a traveling theater you know group would you

:: 19:14

be what would you be doing right now and and um I just feel like you'd be way happier actually at acting you would be

:: 19:22

doing math for I I agree and there there's a process to it I mean I thought

:: 19:28

that being part of an acting program that was so well renowned and so well regarded and you know sell themselves in

:: 19:35

a certain way when I got there I thought that this would help me it

:: 19:40

didn't and and then um you know to be an actor you it's it's very competitive so

:: 19:47

when you go into an audition just because you go into an audition doesn't mean you get the gift you got to you you have to make your bills and your money

:: 19:53

some other way so if that means stocking shelves at a grocery store you know

:: 19:59

delivering packages at UPS or um being a pizza guy like like whatever

:: 20:06

it may be you got to do that juggling that while you're an actor um you got to have three or four

:: 20:14

[ __ ] roommates you know wherever you're living and I'm trying to now that I'm out of

:: 20:20

the military now that I have my military benefits and I'm going to college uh I'm trying to figure out like

:: 20:27

what is the best case scenario what is the most strategic most

:: 20:33

uh healthy um what's what's the right way on how to

:: 20:39

tackle this and right now I'm just trying to get my life together it's a mess and um it

:: 20:47

hurts and uh yeah that's that's where I'm at

:: 20:53

if you love this show and you love supporting Indie video games please take a moment to check out in the keep's

:: 20:59

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:: 21:22

and smash that wish list button and stay tuned and now back to the

:: 21:32

show listen this is what we're going to do we're gonna get your uh Chris

:: 21:38

Guerrero experience or whatever you want to call it podcast going and we're gonna find these [ __ ] I've already

:: 21:44

found them on the net their names are Jeff quarin and Steven Wayne they own

:: 21:49

local 30 for West Productions theater there and that's like their native

:: 21:54

theater they they write and perform everything there from the looks of it okay we get them on your podcast you

:: 22:00

skip the audition you just impress them with how charismatic you are you become friends you're like hey you know maybe

:: 22:06

we catch a beer sometime you buy them a beer you buy them you know get them drunk and then you just start doing

:: 22:12

[ __ ] Shakespeare in front of them by the way these are real people [ __ ] I'm not making [ __ ] up and I maybe I'll come

:: 22:19

down to Charleston cuz I'm not too far away right we just spend the whole weekend doing this I don't care uh and

:: 22:25

we find like all the other theater friends or whatever and then you tell them about your experience and then they get talking and then they're like oh my

:: 22:30

God that's crazy like I had a [ __ ] similar thing and then I ended up here whatever the [ __ ] or you meet somebody

:: 22:36

who's travel over maybe there's a nice lady that's part of this I don't [ __ ] know the point is in my life experience

:: 22:45

right I I never did the whole College I'm actually considering going back to school for completely different reason

:: 22:50

it has nothing to do with my career but more just like I want to learn about particular subjects and [ __ ] but I have

:: 22:57

never gotten [ __ ] done by playing with the system everything I've ever done even in the military was me going around

:: 23:05

the [ __ ] system to make something work with like interpersonal connections like think when you I went back to the

:: 23:12

the 25th operational weather Squadron Tucson Arizona Davis mon Air Force Base right and I'm talking to like all the

:: 23:17

old [ __ ] civilians and [ __ ] and people who were still there that knew me from back then and still to this day

:: 23:23

like my the way I got out of the military was like is still like legendary like that guy had the craziest

:: 23:28

[ __ ] plan I've ever heard in my life and he did it you know and that's real

:: 23:34

like and it's crazy like to me it just sounds like my life but like I realized that when I talk to other people it's like you did what kind and it's

:: 23:42

literally by just talking to people just putting yourself out there and being like yeah yeah whatever and like not not

:: 23:49

like cuz if you you meet someone in the context of an audition that you're one of a hundred people who walked in that day and like okay get the [ __ ] out of

:: 23:55

here but if you meet them in a different context the way that they I don't I don't think this like makes anybody a

:: 24:02

dick or whatever I just mean like the context in which you were presented to someone makes a big difference as to how

:: 24:07

they perceive you so there's a you know I did not

:: 24:13

expect to become a video game producer at any particular company I ran a

:: 24:19

podcast about video games and just met the right guy who gave me that job you know and

:: 24:27

then along the even now like running my own company the people that I'm working with

:: 24:33

are people who I just met along the way like every single one of them like my some of my best clients are like folks

:: 24:40

that I met in completely different circumstances or because they were like talking to me about something I was

:: 24:45

doing or I was talking about your video game and then later when they came to me they're like dude you know a lot about marketing can you help me with this I'm

:: 24:50

like sure you know and you just build relationships and that's like the best advice I could give to anybody like

:: 24:57

people who are ask me like how do you do whatever the [ __ ] you're like should I go to school for this I'm like unless it's to be a [ __ ] surgeon or like

:: 25:03

something that requires a degree to get it any your foot in the door start a podcast and just start talking to people

:: 25:10

who do what you want to do and then when you introduce yourself to someone don't be like I want to be this but I'm a this

:: 25:16

now just tell them like I'm Chris Guerrero I'm an actor oh really an actor like yeah what have you done tell them

:: 25:22

everything you've done they don't [ __ ] know you know they don't know what the context of that was if

:: 25:27

someone's like to me uh if it's in a wrestling contest like what do you do like I'm Todd Brandon I'm a wrestler

:: 25:35

really where'd you wrestle at and then I'll just tell them everything I've ever done and it's not like I was in the WWE

:: 25:41

it's not like I ever won any [ __ ] title belts but if I just say like I wrestled this company in the Southeast and I did that I tored around for a

:: 25:47

while I you know took a several years off I went to den Mark I did this [ __ ] video game thing and then I

:: 25:53

ended up wrestling with body slam for a while I did a couple M you know whatever refere and that kind of [ __ ] that's all

:: 25:58

true I'm not lying I'm not presenting myself in a false way I'm just being like this is what I am and as long you

:: 26:04

know if you if you tell somebody like I'm a key grip but one day I want to be an actor they're

:: 26:10

like okay well uh you know work your way up or I don't know but if you just say like Oh I'm a I'm a writer I I wrote a

:: 26:16

play um trying to find someone to see it they don't give a [ __ ] that you're a key grip they're just like oh well let's

:: 26:23

look at your writing what is this yeah why is this not on stage and I just think that there's so much to

:: 26:29

presentation and interpersonal connection that a lot of people um

:: 26:34

instead of making those jumps what they do is they just look for a system that's already in place to hopefully get them

:: 26:41

there and take the beted on that um I mean if you if you wanted to be a [ __ ] priest or you going to go to

:: 26:47

college to be a priest maybe but you would also have to like actually read the book maybe you know go to a church

:: 26:54

talk to people get involved in that you know the whole thing um if you want to

:: 27:01

be an electrician like do you go to college to be an electrician or do you go find an electrician and say I want to be an electrician and then they teach

:: 27:07

you how to be an electrician there's so much to that um I don't know I feel like

:: 27:13

I'm rambling but also like that's the way to get it just seems so obvious to me just go straight to the [ __ ]

:: 27:18

source and introduce yourself yeah they they well they only have openings uh

:: 27:23

every every so once in a while um doesn't matter if you make friends with them now in a year they're like oh yeah sneak Chris in the back like he doesn't

:: 27:30

need to the way I'm trying to word it to myself is like okay you this time that

:: 27:37

you're getting your bachelor's degree with the help of the government because you earned it through the

:: 27:43

military you know my GI Bill I'm just uh I try to tell myself I'm I'm resetting

:: 27:51

myself if I want to get a hair transplant I'm going to get it if I want

:: 27:56

to you know consolidate my debts pay them

:: 28:02

off if I want to be really in shape you know get a nasty looking

:: 28:10

body um this is what this this this time is for is to recollect myself figure out

:: 28:17

who I am do I still want this thing and if so well I got another 10 years of craziness

:: 28:25

coming but uh this next 10 years is going to be from 30 to 40 and it's

:: 28:33

um acting is a competitive lonely unforgiving road and it

:: 28:42

uh it's not for the faint of heart this road is um sounds like acting school is for the

:: 28:50

paint of the faint of heart the way that you described it's maybe acting school is

:: 28:55

for the faint of heart and acting is the hard thing to do I don't know I I've

:: 29:00

I've only I I've done I've done a lot of weird [ __ ] in my life as far as acting

:: 29:06

goes and um I I've seen you like get on stage at a open m night for comedy and then start

:: 29:13

doing Shakespeare and you were Fearless you know you were just like no one was even in the audience it was like I didn't even realize that the room was

:: 29:20

empty by the way I was in the front row and everybody had [ __ ] left by the time you went on stage and it's just

:: 29:26

like life man me and the the guy running the show there and then when I stood up and I was like oh my God and then I'm

:: 29:31

like no one's here and I was like dude this is amazing but like if you can do that you can walk down to the [ __ ]

:: 29:38

theater company and invite a guy out for a beer you you could send a cold email I

:: 29:44

can't tell you how many thing things I've done that were like cold emails like and as long as you're polite about

:: 29:49

it it still drives me crazy so until it

:: 29:56

doesn't until it doesn't drive me crazy until it doesn't make me emotional and

:: 30:02

and want to blow up in 12 different ways that you've never seen um is the day

:: 30:09

that I'm going to stop and I'm scared that that day will come but it hasn't come

:: 30:16

yet and uh I'm just just I'm just fighting to live that next day where I hope it's

:: 30:23

still there where I wake up in the morning and it's still screaming at me so s send me the info on this play I

:: 30:30

think I'm gonna come do I have to buy a ticket how's this work Arturo yui uh

:: 30:35

it's a it's a Breck play but totally Breck um no like send me like a link to where you the location and the date oh

:: 30:42

where you where you get tickets for admission uh yeah I can do that you can't get me a smuck in the back yeah

:: 30:49

yeah I'll I'll uh I'll see what I can do and uh it should be it should be playing in

:: 30:55

Charleston around February this was an epic play um it's got a lot of Nazis and

:: 31:03

1930s 1940s Chicago Italian Mobsters involved I know it has something to do

:: 31:09

with your old game your your other game that you were trying to develop I was literally about to say that sounds so

:: 31:15

familiar yeah and we'll see where it goes from there I play dogs Boro the the mayor of the uh of the Town M and uh

:: 31:25

that's where I'm at that sounds awesome that sounds like you have something to look forward to and not something to put a lot of

:: 31:31

pressure on yourself about dude well I mean it's always a lot of pressure to be on stage it's

:: 31:37

always but I'm ready to go it's it's uh it's still screaming at me every morning

:: 31:42

one of the one of the crazy things uh about my wrestling experience was that I

:: 31:50

was very much the original got Doon cross like what he taught me was

:: 31:56

basically improv like communicating with the other guy in the ring and then like

:: 32:01

doing what feels natural instead of like going out there with it exactly the plan of every single move you're going to do

:: 32:07

and trying to do it verbatim and all that [ __ ] everything was just like we're

:: 32:12

just gonna talk out there you know we're locked up they can't see our mouths and we're just going to tell each other like okay get ready close line sell for you

:: 32:19

know turn around and then ready for the the big elbow you that kind of [ __ ] and a lot of Indie wrestlers are

:: 32:27

the kind of people who are like they've got strings around their fingers to remember every move they're going to do

:: 32:33

you know and they they sit down in the locker room and they plan out the whole thing ahead of time and then they go out

:: 32:38

there and something goes wrong and then they [ __ ] derail they just don't know what to do it falls apart and then they

:: 32:44

have to bring it back together which is the hard part because they don't know how to improvise in a lot of cases and then you'll have people [ __ ]

:: 32:50

frustrated and throwing their [ __ ] and all that kind of stuff um and I've never worked that way like I was always like

:: 32:56

yeah man like basically we'll just get like the big things down like we'll go out we'll start like this and then you

:: 33:01

know we'll [ __ ] around for a little while I'll run around outside of the ring and piss somebody off when I get back in then you know grab me do your

:: 33:08

big thing that you do get that big pop and I'll do the thing again where I run around the ring or something like that

:: 33:14

and then just make sure we both know the Finish referee like you know the time to just let us know when we have like 3 minutes left and then do your finishing

:: 33:20

move pin me go home and I would always do business like that and then once we're out there I would just be like

:: 33:25

talking to the guy and a lot of these like Indie dudes um not not that I'm not

:: 33:32

one of them but I'm just saying like that they they don't know how to work that way and then they they like would

:: 33:38

be bewildered by like the way that I would do [ __ ] because I would I the last match that I had was with this kid named booster and I did it like that like they

:: 33:45

had this whole Majestic plan of how it was going to work out before I before I even got to the [ __ ] you know venue

:: 33:52

and I told him like as soon as he was done explaining he like there's no chance I'm remembering any of that just

:: 33:57

go out there we'll talk in the ring remember that you have your finishing move and we'll go with it and for the

:: 34:04

whole like I watched it back now and it's like it's not even a terrible match at all like and that was the first time I had wrestled in like six years or some

:: 34:11

[ __ ] and like it was all just being comfortable with like the fact that you

:: 34:18

you can't control every aspect especially espcially when it's live like in film maybe less so in TV but

:: 34:23

definitely like Motion Pictures you have a lot of takes you can like do it you know get everything the shot exactly

:: 34:28

right all that kind of stuff but when you're live and you just have to be like moving the whole time if you [ __ ] up you

:: 34:36

can't just be like oh man we [ __ ] up you have to make it look natural and I

:: 34:41

like that way of working a lot it's a it's very similar to I think podcasting too where you know we're only going to

:: 34:47

get one take at this thing I can stop and edit and stuff but like it's it's a different skill memorizing something

:: 34:54

versus like basically channeling and it's even weirder when you have to two people have to be on the

:: 35:00

same level at the same time and and tag team matches you know four people six people whatever um that takes a lot but

:: 35:08

it's a completely different skill set so I find that really really fascinating how much like pressure it is on an actor

:: 35:14

to like know of their lines exactly like can't you just like say something that's basically the same

:: 35:20

thing if you're drawing l i mean if it's Tennessee Williams you

:: 35:25

better know the other actors lines your lines and then the writer's notes and

:: 35:31

the director's notes and the history of the play and you know honor it as as

:: 35:36

hard as you can and then bring your own take on to it there's there's a lot of process to it and and right but like

:: 35:43

that's for the what the critics and the other actors I know what you're saying it's the audience they don't [ __ ]

:: 35:48

know what you're saying is like to be that person in the moment the performer the guy that that is on on the spot

:: 35:57

right what what did you bring today right now I'm not Dwayne the guy who

:: 36:02

like memorized all his lines this morning I'm the Rock and while I'm out there between the moment I walk out of

:: 36:07

that curtain and the moment I walk back in I'm the [ __ ] rock and The Rock would do this and act this way and if

:: 36:13

something goes yeah yeah when things do go wrong you already know like you don't have to think you will act as that

:: 36:20

person yeah you'll do what the Rock would yeah it takes an enormous amount of dedication it takes an enormous

:: 36:26

amount of uh research and development and process that's so crazy man I I don't

:: 36:32

think I could do that like I don't think I would be happy doing that I feel like it would destroy me like if I had all

:: 36:39

this pressure on me to be exact you know um and I guess it's different for the

:: 36:44

audience then you know you had to answer to the director and if you do something the director does it like regardless of how the audience react and they're going

:: 36:49

to have notes and they're going to be like you [ __ ] this you [ __ ] this up I don't like it your [ __ ] canned get out

:: 36:55

of here you're a disgrace theater why do people take themselves so [ __ ] seriously like it's just it's Play It's

:: 37:01

called playing it's a game it's for you know little kids can do it I don't know

:: 37:06

but I live for it man it's awesome live every waking moment for it that's awesome

:: 37:12

dude um I don't think I had a whole lot else I specifically wanted to ask you about

:: 37:18

but I mean your your plays in February so you got two months to

:: 37:24

prepare roughly February 2025 not

:: 37:31

2023 and um where do you

:: 37:38

uh where where do you sit with the stuff that you're writing like is this just for school or do you see trying to do

:: 37:45

any production with that in terms of writing it's really it's hard because uh I don't have a lot

:: 37:51

of friends that are writers so it's not like I can I can bounce off my ideas with another writer

:: 37:59

it's usually just me and I'm plugging away it at some something that I want to write whether it be a play or a movie or

:: 38:05

a short film or whatever a commercial um but I allow myself to experiment play

:: 38:16

around I I research I do a lot of uh digging in podcasts or or other people's

:: 38:22

scripts um and I take what I what I see and what I read and what I you know dig

:: 38:29

up from my classes in college or or um on the internet and I I do my best

:: 38:37

to recreate my own things and and see how they play out and um one day I mean

:: 38:44

if I'm not going to be an actor if acting isn't always the income in the career and the and the thing that

:: 38:52

progresses me forward I I don't care I will find I want to find uh myself as a

:: 39:00

writer and I'm still going to be there around acting but all I want to do is just

:: 39:06

be in this world and uh I want the responsibilities

:: 39:12

I want the I want the challenges and I want the I want the lifestyle of of what it's

:: 39:19

like to be a writer or an actor a a performer um an

:: 39:25

artist that's all I could ever ask for in this life and uh hopefully God blesses me with those challenges and

:: 39:33

opportunities ahead of me I believe that you will everything

:: 39:39

that you need will be provided to you it's just I fight for it every

:: 39:45

day yeah well d this has been crazy you've been very like first of all very brave

:: 39:52

to like be so emotional and open about your whole experience and I hope that uh I hope that other people who are for

:: 39:59

sure going through the same thing in all aspects of the education system right now um don't feel as alone as you

:: 40:05

described yourself feeling because it is happening everywhere um this is not like the

:: 40:11

first I know like when it's happening to you it feels like that but it's like

:: 40:16

this is happening all over the country at like every major university basically every day um it's [ __ ] up and it's

:: 40:23

gross and disgusting and I hope those [ __ ] not for Revenge but just for the sake of everybody else will be hurt by I get held accountable at some

:: 40:30

point and think it's great for people to come out and speak about it and uh I

:: 40:35

already know you're going to be a great actor no matter what you do just uh thank just don't stop doing

:: 40:42

it I love you thank you very much I love you too buddy

:: 41:02

thank you to Chris uh one of my best friends and I'm really happy that he is doing well given the circumstances and

:: 41:08

everything that he's been through recently I hope that you guys uh if you happen to be in the Charleston or you

:: 41:15

know just somewhere on the East Coast Area uh go check out one of his play I will definitely be linking what I can in

:: 41:21

the show notes and everything I want to thank all of our wonderful amazing supporters on patreon shanet ant uh

:: 41:28

Michael Fred and Brad and anybody else the theme music to this show is made by

:: 41:33

John of the shred from the Scythe Deb team check out everything they

:: 41:39

do in the keep merchandise is I think 25% off for the Christmas season so go

:: 41:45

grab some of that there's some new Stellar Valkyrie shirts with the cool head and everything everything makx for a great uh gift for your your GF or your

:: 41:52

BF or your they or whatever it is that you have going on over there or just for yourself you know nothing wrong with

:: 41:58

treating yourself uh that you can find that over at in thecube.com

:: 42:04

merch or it's uh you can just click on the merch tab uh remember to tell at least one

:: 42:10

friend that you like this show just one person that's it I love you God love you

:: 42:18

Mary Christmas happy Hanukkah Mary Quanza whatever it is stay in the keep

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