In this insightful episode of The Fire Inside Her, Diane Schroeder unveils the art of hard conversations, emphasizing the critical role communication plays as a self care tool. Diane shares a personal story that illustrates the pitfalls of poor communication and highlights the importance of setting clear expectations, maintaining firm boundaries, and managing your energy. As she weaves her experiences into practical advice, you’ll uncover essential tips to improve your communication skills and navigate tough conversations with grace. Whether you’re dealing with workplace conflicts or personal relationships, this episode will equip you with the tools to foster stronger and more effective connections. Tune in for a blend of heartfelt storytelling and actionable wisdom!

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I love this time of year because I can get outside and move my body. I know I can do the same during the winter months, but I use winter as a time of cocooning and reflecting and kind of staying more Inside. And I don't like being cold. My point is that movement is a powerful self care tool. Moving your body is good for you in so many ways, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I personally love to hike because it gets me outside in nature, surrounded by beauty, and it gets my heart rate up. I'm even going to take my Fire hip hop dance class soon. Well, because I've always wanted to.

And it combines movement with music, which is magic. When I move my body, I sleep better, I'm happier, and I actually like feeling a little sore. Make sure you're cleared by your medical professional before you start moving your body. And don't forget to get on the list to receive my bimonthly newsletters. Go to thefireinsideher.com/list or check the show notes. Welcome to The Fire Inside Her, a brave space to share stories of navigating life transitions with authenticity, using our inner fire to light the way, and self care as our loyal travel companion. I'm your host, Diane Schroeder, and I'm so grateful you are here. Hi, fiery soul.

Today, I want to share with you why communication is one of the most important self care tools you can have in your toolbox, but specifically, how to have hard conversations. Why? Our body language, the tone in our voices, face to face conversations, video calls, text messages, emails, and the energy we bring into any situation is communication. How is it a self care tool? Learning how to communicate effectively, especially during a hard conversation, can lower your anxiety, strengthen relationships, and create less stress in your life. It's a skill that takes practice. I've learned how to communicate better by failing a lot. My goal is to help save you time and frustration, give some helpful tips, and speed up your communication learning curve. When I was a little girl, my grandma flew into town over spring break one year and braided my hair into two perfect French braids. This was a beautiful moment because my grandma was also passing down a special tradition from our Cherokee heritage.

A couple years ago, I had to have a hard conversation with a person that I was supervising. There was an undercurrent of tension between us, and it was not improving. I gave them my expectations verbally long before the tension built between us. Still, it wasn't working. And even though we were communicating frequently, we were not communicating well. I tried everything to help mentor and guide them to see the bigger picture, get out of the weeds, and stop engaging in unproductive activities. They told me they couldn't support or do what I said because they didn't agree with what I was telling them. I became frustrated.

I'd never been challenged by a subordinate so often during my leadership tenure, which is another story to unpack at a different time. The point is that I was at a crossroads on what to do. So I chose to talk with them and move them to a different work location. With the support of my boss, I thought a change in workspace would remove them from other employees who were not being a good influence. The conversation went over like finding a turd in the punch bowl. I was anxious and flustered by their response. And towards the end of our chat, I didn't use my notes, which became emotional for both of us. A few days later, they wrote me a wildly inappropriate email that did not improve the communication between the two of us.

It was a personal attack, and I did not feel it was very professional. We had to have HR intervene and work towards a better communication solution moving forward. They eventually moved locations, but our relationship was never the same, professionally or personally, and that sucked. It made working together and supervising them awkward, frustrating, and honestly, I lost trust in them. I can't speak for their feelings because we never made amends and I ended up leaving the organization. I share this story with you because I learned so much about improving my communication skills from this experience of having a hard conversation. The story illustrates how important it is to have all three pieces of that braid woven together. The first piece is expectations.

I did give them expectations when they started working for me, but I didn't follow-up and remind them of my expectations. I wonder how different the situation between us would have been if every 4 to 6 months, we did a check-in on expectations. Understanding expectations with your coworkers, direct reports, partners, spouses, parents, children, and friends are important for communication. Mom says people will rise or fall to your expectations. I'm sure you can think of a time when you were told that you weren't doing something correctly or needed something different, And you felt attacked because you didn't know that was the expectation. The other piece with expectations that I didn't ask is what they expected from me. Yes. I was the boss, but I should have known what they expected from me, specifically regarding how we communicate.

Why? Well, because not everyone communicates how I do. Where things went sideways with this conversation was boundaries. You know, I love the people I lead. A challenge with this is that I don't always have firm boundaries. I've been working on this for some time and this conversation reaffirmed to me how critical it is to set boundaries. I considered them friends and I assumed we could have a difficult conversation because of that friendship. But I didn't have firm boundaries between us, and it got messy. I know that work friendships are important, and I'm not saying to not have them.

I am saying it's important to have boundaries about what you will and will not accept. You teach people how to treat you, and the best teacher's aid is boundaries. Boundaries are beautiful because you can set them while sharing your expectations. Then you have to honor the boundaries that are set. Boundaries are like the shoreline of an ocean. There's a high tide and a low tide, which determines how far on the shore the water will rise, but the ocean is always there. Meaning, your boundaries can be flexible, but you need to have them in place. I thought I had good boundaries, but post conversation I realized I didn't because they felt they could send me that unprofessional email followed by a not so great attitude for several months after the conversation.

I realized I set some boundaries, but didn't enforce them. I was more talk than action. Why? Because holding a boundary is harder than setting one. People will push them consciously or unconsciously. And boundaries, they don't have to be complicated. They are personal and essential in almost every area of your life. This is not the first time I have talked about the importance of setting boundaries as a self care tool. However, it is the first time I've mentioned the importance of having boundaries when it comes to communication.

And finally, there is never an ideal time to have a hard conversation. However, there are better times than others. The final piece of this three-part conversation braid is your energy. I was intentional about the timing of that difficult conversation. I waited because they had some big events going on in their lives, and I didn't wanna impact those. Unfortunately, the timing and the waiting built up a bunch of what ifs in my brain, and it impacted my energy when we finally talked because I was overthinking, I was anxious, my ego was going out of control. I knew the conversation was going to happen long before they did and the energy I brought into the room, I think, created an imbalance and that resulted in defensiveness. When you know you have to have a hard conversation, being defensive and anxious may steer the conversation towards the pothole.

And it's not what you say, but how you say it that has a bigger impact on the receiving end of the conversation. So don't discount your energy and your emotions. They enter the room long before you do. Your words matter, and how you approach the situation can set you up for success or failure. Here's what I would have done differently. I would have made sure that my expectations were clear. I would have enforced my boundaries long before the conversation. I had allowed them to talk to me unprofessionally long before that conversation and I should have held them accountable and tried to correct that behavior.

I also would have written down all of the key points and stuck to what I wanted to get across, sticking to just the facts, which would have calmed my nerves, kept me on point, and removed unnecessary emotion that lowered the energy before the conversation even started. I did have some notes, but they were not very clear and specific. One last thought on hard conversations, have them in person when possible. Delivering feedback or important information over email or text can be disastrous because we naturally read tone in people's messages. I'm also gonna attach a funny clip in the show notes that illustrates how easy it is to lose the intentionality of a message through text message. Face to face communication is the best way. Don't hide behind a keyboard. It's okay to be nervous, but communication is important.

And although it might be awkward and hard, I suggest doing it face to face and get over that hard and awkward piece of it. It gets easier the more that you do it. Face to face is the clearest way to get your point across. And like Brene Brown says, clear is kind. To review, the three pieces you need to improve your communication are expectations, boundaries, and acknowledgment of where your energy is that determines the best time to chat. Okay. There is one more thing. Try approaching your conversation with curiosity over judgment.

You'll be surprised about what you can learn because having a hard conversation doesn't necessarily mean you want to be right about anything or there's no right or wrong. It's having that communication. There's a few books that I love when it comes to talking about hard conversations and I will link all of them in the show notes, but they're called ‘Crucial Conversations’, ‘Never Split the Difference’, and ‘Thinking in Bets’. Thanks for listening to me and sharing your time with me again, and until next time. Thank you for giving the valuable gift of your time and listening to The Fire Inside Her podcast. Speaking of value, one of the most common potholes we fall into on the journey to authenticity is not recognizing our value. So I created a workbook. It's all about value.

Head on over to thefireinsideher.com/value to get your free workbook that will help you remember your value. Until next time, my friend.