Today, we’re diving deep into the journey of resilience and authenticity with our guest Micha Goudeau, a remarkable individual who has transformed her struggles into powerful insights.

One of the main points we discuss is how embracing our true selves, despite the challenges we face, is essential for finding joy and fulfillment in life.

Micha shares her experiences growing up in tough environments, battling self-doubt, and ultimately coming out as her authentic self. We explore the importance of seeking help when needed and the beauty of living without the constraints of societal expectations.

Through her story, we learn that everyone's path is unique, and it's vital to honor our own journeys while supporting others on theirs.

Takeaways:

• Understanding your past can help shape a more authentic future, as discussed by Micha.
• It's crucial to seek help when needed; sometimes that is the first step towards healing.
• Living authentically allows for true joy, even if it means stepping away from expectations.
• Encouragement to find hobbies that bring peace can significantly improve mental well-being.
• Trauma doesn't define you; embracing your journey can lead to personal growth and empowerment.
• You are not alone in your struggles; sharing your story can inspire and uplift others.

A Warrior’s Spirit can be found on all the major platforms at lnk.bio/daryl_praxis33

Be sure to like or subscribe so you never miss an episode!

Hey, welcome back to another episode of A Warrior Spirit where we let the inner warrior shine in their light.

Today I have the pleasure of having a good friend of mine, Maicha Godot.

She's an author, she's a former dean of colleges, and she was a co worker and a friend.

And I'm just honored for her to share her story and share her time with me tonight.

Maicha, welcome to the program.

Thank you so much and thank you for having me.

And I just want to say to you that I'm so grateful that you have created a platform where people can feel safe to share and also the blessing that you are providing to so many of your viewers and listeners.

Well, thank you.

As I told you before, I turn on the camera, I'm starting to listen to those voices I don't need medication from.

And, you know, amazing.

It's amazing where God's journey takes you when you actually start paying attention and starting to do that.

Amen to that.

You and I have known each other for over 10 years now.

And, you know, we were co workers at the, you know, Grand Canyon University.

We helped other people get their doctorate degree.

We enrolled people into the college.

We were basically counselors to, you know, those on their own journey.

And now we have the pleasure of, of you because you're also on a doctoral journey, which is.

I am amazing after all this time.

But there's, there's a lot in your life that are very interesting, and you have been a really interesting person to get to know, and I'm really thrilled about that.

But we'll come back a little bit later to the book you wrote, which is called do what they do but Do it like you, which is an amazing.

Yes, we'll, we'll arc up to that.

But I want to start kind of on early on in your journey because if, if people who have spent any amount of time around you or even if they just look at these first two minutes of this video, I mean, they see this bright, smiley, bubbly, you know, personality.

But you didn't have a bright, bubbly start to your journey, did you?

I did not.

I did not.

I'm thankful to be here now.

But, yeah, there, there, there has been a lot starting from childhood.

One of the things that was a struggle growing up is, you know, we didn't live in the best places.

Now, my parents gave their best.

They did.

You know, my mom worked two jobs.

You know, we were latchkey kids.

She went to college.

You know, she did her best to take care of her three daughters.

You know, My dad lived in another state, but he did his best to help from a distance, you know, and, you know, so a lot of the neighborhoods that we grew up in and some of the things that we saw as children are just things children should not see.

We saw people being shot at, we saw people fighting.

You know, we saw wild parties and nudity and just being in our neighborhood as children.

And I did not realize till I got much older that that was not normal.

I even remember a time when we lived.

Most of my growing up was in Flint, Michigan, but also a lot on the south side of Chicago.

And I can remember the gang neighborhood that we lived in.

And sometimes some of the upper level men that were in the gangs would come around the neighborhood and tell all the kids to go in the house.

And if they said go in the house, we did exactly what they said.

We didn't ask any questions.

We went in the house and laid on the floor.

That was childhood.

And it's not to say that all of childhood was bad, but there were some struggles, some struggles of things that I had to come to term with and have done counseling in my more later adult years still to process a lot of what happened then.

Well, it does make it.

And you know, I, I grew up in the south side of Minneapolis.

There's something about the south side of metro areas that you just.

Right.

And you know, I was carrying a knife to school when I was in kindergarten.

You know, you know, there's a lot of things that we see that shapes our life and we just think it's normal until we get out of that environment.

Oh, wait a minute.

That was not normal.

Right, right.

And so you, you also, you said something to me interesting that you were told by people in your life, you're pretty, but you're not smart.

Yeah.

What, what, yeah.

What kind of image does that bring to you when.

Because you had to overcome that and I did.

And I know you to be a very smart woman.

And you know, anyone in their doctorate degree, you know, you already have your master's, you've been a dean at schools, you've been in academia, which is, you know, I wonder, does that comment, did that connect the dots to lead you into academia because you were trying to prove that they were wrong in the beginning.

Yes, in the beginning, there, there were a couple of things.

And so going back for just a second to where I grew up, a lot of the ways I would keep my safe, myself safe at school because I didn't want to join a game.

And so a lot of Ways I used to keep myself safe was aligning myself with the toughest girls in the school and helping them with their homework.

And so I got in their good graces and they protected me at school.

So that was one of the things that pushed me forward to see the value of academics.

Even though that's not the normal story you'd want to hear about how someone got into academics, but that was one of the things.

And then the second thing was I was told by several people close to me, and to this day I still don't really understand, but they would tell me all the time that I was pretty, but I wasn't smart.

And it would just break my heart because I never really understood.

I would say things like, well, what do you mean?

What am I doing that says I'm not a smart person, you know, and, and it drove me a lot when I was younger.

I said, you know what, maybe I can't do anything about the way people think about me, but I bet I can win in the end and I can show them through my accomplishments.

Now the older me wants to accomplish things for myself, but the younger me just wanted to show that I was worthy, that I was smart.

I mean, yeah, it's nice for someone to think you're cute, but.

But when you learn to value yourself, you know, cute is not the first thing you want know about you.

You want them to see you and respect you, you know, as someone who adds value and someone that you want to get to know and, and someone that can help and.

And it just.

I just wasn't okay with being known as cute.

I needed more for my life, and I still need more for my life now.

So let me ask you.

Because I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with gangs.

My mom moved to a small town in Iowa when I was nine, so I didn't have to deal with that part.

Growing up in the atmosphere you were in were you said you didn't want to join a gang.

So were there female gangs as well as male gangs?

Or was the females just a part of the male gangs, as you know, the female.

Hang on.

Sure.

I mean, they were co ed gangs, if you will.

Now the men tended to be the ones who could rank up in these games.

But I even remember as like middle school age thinking that I didn't understand the concept of games.

Like I remember being 11, 12 years old, thinking, I don't understand why these people are literally killing each other in the name of someone they've never met and on the name of property that they don't own, you know, and it was one of those things where if you were associated with one gang, you literally could not be found walking through the neighborhood of another game.

I mean, it literally could wreck your entire life.

And, and so it was very scary there.

But, but a lot of the, the girls, even if they weren't high ranking, there were certain young women that carried more of amount of respect.

They were kind of the scarier ones, like, nobody dare cross this one.

And it was either because she was a relative to a higher up member in the gang or because she had caused a lot of damage on her own and had proven herself to be a tough person that you don't want to cross.

What a scary world to live in.

And did your sisters avoid the gangs?

Yes.

So my, my younger sister especially, we, we were very close and we're still close to this day.

And unfortunately we're estranged from our older sister, which is another topic for maybe another podcast.

But, but, but no, fortunately we did avoid being into the gangs.

And then at one point after we were living in the south side, Chicago, my mother got a job offer that moved us to Louisville, Kentucky.

And that was just a cultural shift.

Yeah, it was a huge cultural shift.

And so that, that I think began this thought of, okay, what we've been experiencing is not normal life.

You know, they're just these places where people are just all happy and family and, you know, everything's sunshine and rainbows and unicorns.

Yeah.

And that's what Louisville felt like.

How does, and I'm asking this from both a male and female perspective.

Growing up in that world, how does someone avoid getting sucked into that life?

Oh, that's a good question.

And you know, the only thing that I can really say is you can't avoid being propositioned to be a part of that life.

But you may have to position yourself to show some value to these people who appear to be in control.

And so for me, the group of young women that I aligned myself with, they knew that I did not want to be a part of the gang and they were okay with it because they saw value in me.

I literally would sit and tutor them.

I didn't do their work for them, but I would tutor them and help coach them through these classes.

Because a lot of those young women, you could tell that they were intelligent, but they kind of have this facade where they had to act like they don't really care about school when they really do.

And so when we would spend those off hours together and they were able to show that side that they really didn't show in front of others, I think they saw that value in having me around.

And so when they were in the environment where they needed to be tough, they protected me.

So I had a reputation at school for, don't step to her.

But it wasn't because I was tough.

I wasn't tough at all.

It was because I was aligned with tough women.

And so what age were you when you.

When you moved to Kentucky?

16.

And I admittedly don't know a lot about Kentucky.

Were there a lot of black people?

Were there a lot of people?

People of your, you know, interests?

Were.

I mean, obviously, you came from the world of violence and a gang, and now you're into family and kind of the Bible Belt, you know.

A little bit.

Yeah.

Was.

Was it total culture shock, or were there still some elements that you still recognized?

There were some elements I recognized, but.

But what I would tell you was my favorite thing about the short time that we were in Louisville.

It was the most diverse environment I've ever been in.

So, yes, there were plenty of black people, but there were also plenty of white people and plenty of Hispanic people and a population of Asian people.

And it just.

It was the first time I remember being in an environment where I felt like I fit.

And that may sound different.

Right.

Because I'm black.

Right.

And I grew up around a lot of black people who I love.

Right.

I love being black, proud of being black, all of those things.

But being in that diverse environment felt so right to me.

It felt like I belonged in diversity.

And so while it wasn't total culture shock, it was just kind of this amazing world opened up to where I could get to learn more and experience more.

And how old were you?

I was 16.

16, Okay.

So I know from a little bit of your story, a few years prior to 16, you knew that you were not solely a heterosexual woman.

I did.

And you.

You hid that from the world for 30 years.

So how does.

How does knowing that you need to be in diversity and knowing that you yourself are diverse in more ways than one, how does that play a role in your.

In your growing up and in your relationships?

And, you know, did your family know?

Did your mom know?

Did your sister know, or just totally kept it to you?

Yeah, It's a great question, and it's very interesting, and it's something I reflect on a lot.

But, yes, around 12 was when I knew.

But I grew up in a traditional Christian household.

My dad was a pastor.

Both of my grandfathers were pastors.

And there were just certain things that were not acceptable, you know, in those communities.

And so I hid it for a lot of years.

For a lot of years.

I was ashamed of it.

And I thought something was wrong with me.

And I thought that God wouldn't like me if I acknowledge this.

Now, the older me knows that God knows everything about me more than I know about myself.

Right?

So there's no hiding from God.

But it was just something that I was ashamed about that I hid for a long time.

It was not until I turned 40 and I am now 43 years old, that I felt strong enough to tell my adult children.

They were.

The first ones I came out to were my children.

My children were extremely supportive.

They seemed like they were so proud of me.

And, oh, my God, that makes me emotional now.

But they.

They were so proud of me, and they were so.

Mom, we just want you happy.

And we don't care if that's with a man, a woman, someone who's trans.

It doesn't matter.

We just want you to be with somebody who deserves you, that you love, and you love them.

And that was the first freeing thing that I felt, you know?

And I told my sister next, my younger sister, who I mentioned that I'm very close with.

Extremely supportive.

Extremely supportive.

The funny thing is, when I shared it with my dad, my dad said he knew the whole time.

He's like, my dad, I know.

And I've known this about you for a long time.

He's like, I was just giving you room to be able to say it when you felt up to saying it.

Now, my mom.

I actually only told my mom in the last year.

And here's the thing that I will say about my mom, because I respect my mother very much.

My mom said.

And she was speaking her truth, okay?

She said, mitchell, if you brought a woman home, I would not like it.

However, I would treat you and her with respect.

And so my thing with that is my mother is entitled to that.

I don't believe she's wrong for not liking it.

She's okay to not like it.

What I appreciate is that she said, regardless of how I feel, I would respect you and the partner you chose.

And for me, that's all I can ask anybody, is to be respectful.

Respectful it is, when people become disrespectful that I have a problem.

Sure.

And one of the biggest.

I need to grab a tissue.

Sure.

Hold on one second.

Leia, will you bring your mom some tissue, please?

Sorry about that.

So.

That's all right.

I've Gotten emotional a couple times, so I need to, you know, wipe it out.

Yeah, that's all right.

But thank you, honey.

I appreciate it.

So.

Oh, it's my baby girl, Leia.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

Yeah, so forgive me.

I will in a second, honey.

So respect is all we can ask for.

No, respect is all we can ask for.

I've just given you a moment to.

To.

Yes, I appreciate that.

Yeah.

No, respect is all we can ask for.

And.

And being authentically living in our truth is all any of us want.

The.

Yeah.

The problem that I have is when people want to just put labels, because quite frankly, and I've said this on other podcasts, and I'll say it until I die, probably I don't give a if you're black, white, purple, green, heterosexual, bisexual, whatever.

I don't care what your label is.

I care what your heart is.

I care who you are as a person.

And if you are a loving, caring, another human being, human being label, I really care about.

If you're a loving, caring human being, then I can be friends with you and I can respect you, you know?

Yes.

Because the other label that every group has is, and if you're an.

Then I don't want to be a part of you.

I don't care what the rest of the label is.

Right, right.

And.

And you know, I. I get in trouble sometimes because I am one of the.

The people that will say, I don't see color, and I don't mean that in that I don't recognize that somebody is black, green, yellow, purple, whatever.

Sure.

I don't judge them by their color.

No more do I judge them by their sexuality.

I judge by what kind of person are you.

And one of the reasons you and I have been friends for 10 years, we don't agree on everything politically.

We don't agree on everything philosophically.

We don't agree on everything on some of these other issues.

But what we do agree on, you're a good person and I like you and I respect you.

Now we can have debates on the other stuff and we can have respectful interactions and conversations on the other stuff, but irregard, regardless of the rest of it, you're a decent human being and that's all I give a shit about.

Yeah.

That's why after 10 years, you and I can still be friends.

Because one of the bottom line is you care about people and you want.

I do.

The best of four people.

So I do.

Which is interesting, because growing up in the environment you grew up in, growing up with some of the traumas and struggles that you've overcome.

To still have a caring, loving heart, that's pretty spectacular.

To not let the world jade you.

Because you've been abused in multiple ways, you've been labeled in multiple ways, and yet you maintain your heart and your goodness.

How does someone.

I know how I did it, but how does someone like you do that?

You know, it's kind of hard to say, but it's a lot of things.

Number one, I do have a very deep desire in my heart to see everybody win, and that is doable.

There doesn't.

We can literally all win.

I believe that with every ounce of who I am.

And before I go forward, I want to return those compliments back to you.

You and Elsa are such wonderful, wonderful people, and I agree with you.

One of the reasons why we are able to be friends at the level we are is because we respect each other.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if we disagree about things.

You're a good human.

I'm a good human.

Hey, everything's okay, right?

And so I am very appreciative of the type of people that you and Elsa are.

I really am.

But the other thing is, is I did hit a dark moment in my life where I wasn't always able to see, you know, this.

This brightness.

I did have a patch of time in my life where things got very dark and they got scary dark.

I was cutting and.

And when I was cutting, and I have a hard time helping people understand this, but I know somebody's going to listen to this podcast, and they're going to be able to relate.

When I was cutting, I did not want to die.

I did it.

I wanted to control the pain that I felt.

And I felt it so, so deeply.

And so there would be times I would run a hot bath, and I would sit in the bathtub with an eyebrow razor, and I would just hack at my legs until I got tired.

Now, that sounds not sane, right?

But that was.

But there was such a darkness in there, and I didn't know how to handle it.

I was trying to keep this darkness from swallowing me.

And what turned me around was one day I was in the tub, and I was cutting, and I was cutting more than I ever had.

It was like I couldn't stop.

And at one point, I looked, and there's blood all in this bathtub.

And I had children now.

My children are adults now.

And this was years ago.

But the terrifying thought washed over me that what if I mistakenly cut too deep?

And My children had to find me laying in this tub.

And that day changed my life.

The next day I self checked into a mental health facility.

I walked in there and I said, look, I need help.

I don't want to die.

I really don't want to die.

But I don't know how to process how dark I feel like this is nothing I can put words to.

And that stay in that mental health facility changed my life as well.

Now what I will tell you is I don't normally share that with people because I have had people who love me and my life throw that back at my face when they get mad at me, you know, say, well, that's what ended you in the nut house and stuff like that, you know, and it's so horrible, right?

But at the same time, I'm not ashamed of it.

I'm proud of myself that I went.

And I am very proud to report that I have never been that dark again in my life.

And even when I feel myself start to get sad, I can still reach back to those lessons I learned from those days I was in there, you know, to help.

So I've never even remotely been back to that dark place.

Place, but it took that darkness for me to flip a switch, you know, and, and so today is just, it's just different.

So what Another thing that, that I had not shared yet, that really, I think added to me being in that dark place after all these years is there was a lot I didn't process when I was younger.

Because when I was younger I thought, now listen, I thought that it was normal for grown men to whisper very sexually provocative things in my ear when I was a very young girl.

Okay, this happened at church, it happened at school, it happened a lot of places where a man would come and hug you like they're giving you a sweet hug and whisper the dirtiest things in your ear.

Now when I was young, I knew that that made me very uncomfortable, but I thought this was just the way a lot of men behaved.

And then also in my teenage years, I dealt with a couple of relationships that were violent.

You know, I, I can remember one guy throwing me to the ground and putting a knife to my throat.

You know, I remember a gentleman when I was a senior in high school, he threw me up against the locker, took a condom out of his pocket, put it in my hand and said, if you don't give it to me, I'm going to take it from you.

And this is, you know, a lot of, I think what led me to that dark Place, even when I was older and I had had my children is because I had never processed all of that trauma.

I just kept it moving.

I felt like, okay, well, this is the hand I'm dealt.

I'm just going to have to find a way to push through this.

And then I think I got to some point where it all came quickly crashing down on me, and I needed a lifeline in the most desperate way.

How old were you when you did your last cutting?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My ear pods keep falling out.

Forgive me.

Okay,.

Let me think.

It may have been at least 10 or 12 years, I want to say.

So, yes, I did go through this as an adult.

Okay, well, you had children already, so, you know.

I did, yeah.

You.

You processed your trauma by just pushing through your trauma.

You didn't really deal with your trauma.

I didn't deal with it.

And.

And when we carry that much weight, eventually it does crash in on us.

When you.

When you finally said, enough, how did that.

Other than the stay in the mental institution, which, you know, saved your life, how did it change your life?

What.

What became different when you came out?

You know, this.

This is very interesting.

So, besides the therapy I received myself, I believe being there gave me more than ever, opened up this part of me where I just have this desire to help people heal.

So while I was there, even though I was getting treatment of my own, I had so many deep conversations with people who were in the same facility as me.

And then, even while I was there, new people that came in because of the way I walked around.

A lot of them thought that I worked there.

They didn't realize, no, I'm a patient just like you.

But I was still able to be vulnerable with them in those moments, you know, and that really, I don't know, I had an awakening in that place.

I had a huge, huge awakening where I'm so grateful I got to engage and get the therapy I needed.

But the way that I was able to speak to some of the people while I was there, it.

It's one of the reasons why one of my favorite things to do these days is give motivational talks.

Like, I have this vision of standing in the middle of a football stadium full of people and just speaking life into all of them and, And.

And wanting to really get into their hearts.

And it's.

It's one of the things where sometimes when I'm on stage and I talk to people afterwards, you know, they ask questions like, well, weren't you nervous?

Or weren't you this.

And the thing is, I'm not.

But here's the reason why.

It's not because, hey, look at me.

I'm on this stage.

It's because I want so bad to get into your heart and tell you, holy crap, you were built for so much greatness.

So much greatness.

Everything you've been through does not define who you are.

What people tell you does not define who you are.

You were given specific gifts, specific capabilities, and.

And for whatever reason, there are people, I think, that exist on this earth to try to keep us from seeing that light.

Of course.

Well, they tried their hardest, but they didn't win.

Right.

And so if they didn't win me, they don't have to win you.

Absolutely.

Hey, because I'm not more special than you are.

Matter of fact, our special is right there together.

Like we were created by the same God with the same love and the same care, and there's just so much capability in us, but sometimes we can't see past our circumstances.

And, And.

And all I want to do these days, my friend, is helping people see beyond these circumstances to this beautiful life that they can have and experience pure joy.

It doesn't mean we forget our trauma.

It just means our trauma no longer owns us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You and I are on similar journeys because when I'm speaking from the stage, it's my goal to.

To take my past trauma and show them that there is a way out so that they can get through theirs as well.

And there is nothing special.

It's just determination to overcome it.

Trent Shelton once said, and, And I love this analogy when you were talking about your journey or your path or your goal as a.

As a person, you know, we both wear glasses.

And Trent.

Trent, you know, says these glasses were made for your eyes.

If I hand these glasses to you, even though you wear glasses, you won't be able to see clearly out of them because it's not meant for you.

It's meant for me.

So your journey and your passion and your sight, when you start to tell other people about it and they don't have the same interest level, or they try to say, you can't do this or whatever, that vision wasn't made for their eyes.

That vision was.

Right.

Your eyes.

And so stop telling your stuff to people who can't see, because it wasn't made for them, you know.

Yeah, it's made for you.

And, you know, I think that's.

And.

And when I.

When I'm coaching clients, you know, and.

And anyone who's Listened to my past recordings will have heard this before because I say it a lot.

My goal is to help you take that scab that you keep picking at, that you keep hurting, you keep wounding, and turn it into a scar.

So when it's a scab, you can still be hurt by it.

When it's a scar, it's just a tapestry woven into your life, and it no longer hurts.

And you have to get from scab to scar to move past it.

And the other thing is.

And you did.

You did this when you got your therapy.

It's okay to tell our story, but we have to.

And I.

And I was guilty of this for years.

You know, you have to stop telling your story as the victim of your story and tell it as the triumph of your story.

Yes, you are the superhero in your story.

Yes, you had Robin come in with the therapy and, you know, the butler come in with.

With the tool, but you were the superhero of your story.

Start telling your story from the superhero's perspective.

That, not the victim's perspective.

And that is not only your life, because it does, but it changes the life of the people who you're telling it to.

Yeah.

I think that's where you did a good job of transforming that story into your being the superhero of your story.

You.

How long ago did you write this first book?

Do what they do, but do it like you.

That book I actually wrote, I want to say, two or three years ago now.

That actually is not my first book.

I wrote my first book years ago.

But this book I'm particularly proud of because a lot of what I write, it's just based on my observation in life, Right?

And so what I would see is people.

I think we all know that there's some modeling, right, of successful people, right?

You see somebody winning at something, and that's your aspiration, so you try to model some of their behaviors.

That part is okay.

The part where I feel like people miss or fall into a trap is when they lose their self as individuals trying to be someone else.

Right?

The world already has a Daryl Snow, right?

You may look up to Daryl.

You may respect Daryl.

You say, he's got that hot white elsa.

You know, he's super smart.

He's educated.

He's got this great podcast.

I want to be like Daryl.

I want a hot wife.

I want a podcast.

I want to be educated.

I want this right?

So they try to match everything you do, down to your glasses and your hairstyle and all that stuff, but this doesn't work for them.

And the Reason why it doesn't work is because they were not meant to be your carbon copy.

Maybe what they need to model is the patience that you had in finding your life partner.

Maybe they need to model the work that you put in and letting yourself be inspired on what your podcast would be about.

Maybe there's certain behaviors, but they have to make it their own.

So do what they do, but do it like you is about how to model successful people without losing your individuality.

So the most basic example I give in the book, and I give 10 different examples of where this would apply, is you talk to 10 different people who lost weight and they may give you 10 different stories about how they did it, right?

So you see your friend and they've lost weight and they look great and you're like, oh my God, what are you doing?

So you start eating like them.

You do their exact workout, things like that, but then you injure yourself or you get sick from that diet.

Okay?

You can model the fact that they're eating better and they're exercising.

However, their eating plan and their workout plan is not your eating plan and workout plan.

Model the fact that they are making strides in that area, but you have to start where you need to start, right?

And so you can't just become a copy of what they're doing.

Just model those behaviors, but make them your own.

And so I give nine more examples of this that I feel are very practical that I hope will help people.

You know, I talk about marriage and just work and a lot of things like that, but that's really the practicality I'm trying to give people.

Take what you can but be you.

The world needs a you.

The world already has them.

Yeah, I wish I would have read that book years ago because I've been coaching people for over 40 years.

I just never called myself a coach.

And when I started calling myself a coach, you know, I had listened to the Zig Ziglars, the John Maxwell's, the Tony Robbins of the world for a very long time.

And I also, you know, some lesser known.

Hold on one second.

Oh, no, it's no worries.

Yeah, I, I apologize for that.

We had a technical issue with some phones and so I, I apologize for that interruption.

Um, but as I was saying, I, I, I tried to model all these other people of how you have to coach and what you have to look like and how you have to behave and such bullshit.

And then about three years ago, I on Instagram came across this coach.

She's 32 now, so she was in her late 20s when.

When I came, and her name's Jackie Sieve, she's from New Zealand.

And I started listening to what she was saying, and I started to really love the messaging that she was having.

And the reason that I loved her so much was because she said the word and she didn't say it to be derogatory.

Like, Elsa's from Boston.

I grew up in farm country.

To us is like.

And sometimes I forget that some people.

There was this coach who just used like a comma and was unapologetic about it.

Didn't try to put herself in this box.

And I'm like, I learn more about this person.

And I started following and you know how she was.

And it allowed me to just be me.

It allowed me to just be me.

And people ask me all the time.

Like, I posted something and I use the word in it because I talk like a sailor and, you know, drink.

But.

And, and my.

And my sister commented on it.

So is that I was mad at something.

I don't know, whatever.

Referees.

I think it was something to do with sports, whatever.

And my sister was like, well, is that how you're going to talk to your clients?

And I'm like, you're right.

I am like.

Like, I stopped being apologetic because.

Right.

What?

What?

What?

Another coach taught me that.

That I've used and I.

And I use with my clients, too.

Living our authentic life is where we find our joy and our job.

Because we're an energetic being and we're.

We are energy.

And it's not woo, it's science.

Right.

We're.

Our job is just to be the magnet.

And a magnet has a positive and a negative side.

So your job is going to both attract and repel the right people, but you're not to determine which end of that magnet you are, because then you're trying to be a chameleon to everybody and just be the positive.

Right.

Your job is just to be the magnet.

Right.

And right people will be attracted to you, and the right people will be withdrawed from you because they're not your people.

They're not the people you're supposed to work with.

Everybody is not your people.

Everyone's not your people.

Yeah.

And.

And so the concept of your book is something that.

Yeah.

The title, do what they do, but do it like you.

That's a great, great, catchy title.

Thank you.

But.

But the title says, without saying it, be authentically you.

Yes.

Whatever that looks like, Be authentically you.

And ask someone who now has recently come out of the closet.

You stopped cutting yourself because you over.

You didn't overcome.

You dealt with the trauma.

You can now manage it and handle it more now.

You're living the authentic.

Mm.

And in these last three years, because even even though you stopped cutting years ago, you were dealing with your trauma better years ago.

You were still living a veiled life.

Yeah.

So now how is your life different in these last three years now that you're being authentically you?

Yeah.

You know, the short answer is, I just have a lot of joy.

It's different.

It's free is what it is.

And it's okay that not everybody likes it.

And, you know, working in higher ed for the last 20 years, one of the things that actually encouraged me to go ahead and decide to be open and come out and public is because I would talk to all of these young people who would feel so broken because they tried to be honest with their parents and they got kicked out of the house or disowned or, you're not my kid anymore, and stuff like that.

And like I said, everybody's entitled to their own opinion.

You don't have to like that people like someone of the same gender, but be human.

Just be human.

And.

And so my heart would break so much.

And a part of what made me want to.

To come forward is to tell people, listen, there are safe places.

There are safe places, and there are good people.

And guess what?

Anybody who would tell you that God doesn't love you because of your sexuality, oh, please don't ever believe that God loves you so much.

So much.

And.

And like I said, that same God that made them made you.

And they didn't make either of you more or less special than the other person.

We.

We're all entitled to these very strong feelings that we have about certain topics, but we are not entitled to break down, disrespect or physically harm or even mentally harm other people.

So I felt like I needed to stand up as somebody as my age.

Right.

That can relate to the parental ages of some of these young people that I see all the time and say, listen, honey, you are not by yourself.

And there are people who see you and love you, and.

And sometimes it's.

It's.

I. I know it's.

It's hard when the people who are closest to you say things that hurt you, but even that can be processed and overcome.

It may never change their feelings.

Right.

But the only thing that we can do is change us and try to align with people who truly see see us.

And.

And that would be the encouragement I can give to anybody who's feeling like they can't be honest or that they're upset because their family doesn't want anything to do with them or you know, you know, things like that.

But there, there's so much more to gain in living truly free.

I know that me being me, I'm not hurting anyone, right?

I'm not trying to force anything that I believe on anybody.

I respect and love everybody.

But.

But the way I just feel these days is just different.

Like I'm living my life on completely different terms.

And if I can actually just transition just a little bit.

I had mentioned earlier that one of the things that I mentioned in talking about this book is the way that people deal with marriage, right?

So one of the things about me, and I'm not proud of this, it's just a fact, okay, I am twice divorced and I have an ex fiance on top of that.

That is something that I also had to work on in therapy.

I felt very dark and failed about that.

I felt like I'm a good person.

Why can't I make a marriage work?

You know, that kind of thing.

However, one of the things that I have had to learn is just because marriage is beautiful and it is wonderful and it is wholesome and it has all these things, does not mean that I have to be married to love my life, right?

I think that marriage is beautiful.

It really is.

And honestly, if I could shout out both of those ex husbands of mine, right, One of them remarried years ago and his wife is amazing on a million levels.

And then I actually just found out today that my second husband is engaged to a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, beautiful, classy, amazing woman, right?

And so.

And because I care about these men, right, because they're my co parents and friends and all of that stuff, it makes my heart overflow with joy that they have found their happiness in marriage.

But can I tell you, my life is every bit as happy not being married.

And so one of the things that I think we have to let go is there is actually what's coming to mind right now.

And I didn't plan to bring this up, but one of my shows that I'm obsessed with is the so called Brooklyn Nine Nine.

And I don't know if you're familiar with it, but it's a cop show, it's comedy, it's hilarious.

Well, one of the characters in that show, Rosa, she actually comes out about being bisexual and she does end up having an issue with her parents that they have to get past but one of the things she says in the last season is she said, listen, you guys think for people to be happy, their story has to end with marriage and kids.

That's just not my story.

And she's truly happy.

And it took me listening to her say that in this hilarious show for me to realize, I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself to be in this partner relationship.

What?

I don't know if that's what I truly want now.

Will I be married again someday?

Who knows?

But the me today does not feel like that's required.

My heart is so full of joy, and I'm so happy in my life right now.

And.

And I can be so sincerely happy for all these married people like you and Elsa and the ex husbands that I've talked about who are experiencing this pure joy in marriage without feeling like I have to do the same thing, right?

So I'm talking to somebody who right now who thinks they need to be married, right?

For whatever your reason is, you think you have to be married.

Listen, marriage is beautiful and wonderful, and if you find your right perfect rate.

But please listen to me, do not feel like you have to be.

And it needs to be something that you and that partner want from the depths of your soul, because you want a partner and you want to show the world what that partner love looks like.

But if it's not that, don't get married for any other reason, okay?

It has to be for the right reason to the right person.

So that being said, a dear friend of mine right now or co writing a new book that we're very excited about, and it's called I can tell you what not to do.

Okay?

And we're just on the COVID of the book like this.

Yeah.

Okay.

And.

And the funny part or the part that we're having fun with is she and I, a lot of times get questions from friends and stuff that they want advice about their marriages and their relationship.

And we're always looking at them like, okay, you know, I'm twice divorced and have an ex fiance, right?

Like, I cannot tell you how to win at marriage, but I can tell you what not to do, right?

And so we decided to move that forward to this book.

And yes, it's funny.

We're not making light of divorces and things like that.

Nobody wants to see a family break up, right?

But it doesn't have to destroy your life.

And at the same time, we want to be able to teach some people some lessons from before, during, and even if, heaven forbid, Your marriage breaks up, some things not to do, so that you continue to live your life in peace and that you can have joy.

So that's the current project that we're working on.

And so, again, I used to be really, really hard.

I used to cry all the time about the fact that I was divorced.

And then I had almost a third marriage, and that didn't work out.

And I felt so down on me, but I don't anymore.

I'm so happy.

I don't even really know how to put it into words for you or how to make it make sense.

But despite all of these things that I've told you and anybody who's listening or watching this podcast right now, when I tell you my heart is full of joy.

It is.

I. I want to see everybody win.

I want to succeed.

I want everybody else to succeed.

And I just want to feel like at the end of every day that I've been a blessing to somebody in whatever way I could do that in.

Yeah, I.

You touch on some really great things, and I know that my.

I mean, I've been through my own crap.

We all have our stuff.

But my biggest joy was when I started living my authentic life, not trying to fit in somebody else's box or somebody else's version of who I was supposed to be.

And, you know, I came to the realization several years ago that I lived most of my life trying to be somebody else's version of who I was supposed to be, because that's what they told me, that's what they expected of me, or that's what they, you know, thought my life should look like.

And I realized, you know, I'm 58, so I'm, you know, decade older than you.

I've wasted a lot of living trying to live life through someone else's filter.

Right?

And the most joy I've had is when I stopped doing their version of me and just did my version of me.

I don't give a Who else doesn't like it.

I like it.

Right.

And that's when I became the most joyful.

And like you, I want everyone else to succeed.

It bugs the out of me when people think that success is finite or there's only a.

Like, it's not pie.

Right?

Plenty for everybody, right?

There is.

There is.

And just because you have success doesn't mean I can't have any, because it's not finite thing.

Again, it's an energy thing.

It's a flow thing.

It is.

And.

And if.

If people are using jealousy or limiting beliefs or whatever to put the dam on their flow, and they are not going to find their version of that success.

But when you realize that they take that damn off, it can flow.

And now you too, can be successful.

Whatever that looks like to, you know, you again, it's not.

It's finite.

So if you live an authentic life and you are true to who you are, you can have the kind of joy that you see around you and you can have.

And.

And we all have our crap, and we all have stuff to overcome, but even in the midst of overcoming it, we can still find, like, you know, just because you may be in the middle of your shit doesn't mean there's no joy in there.

And, and, you know, the.

The.

The goal should be find what's going to make you happy, even in the moments.

Yeah.

Life itself may be on.

Yeah.

So I think that we could, you know, spend hours just talking and.

And easily that technical phone issue.

You know, we've.

We've done a job so far.

Couple last things as we kind of bring this to a full arc, and you did a pretty good job of it just a moment ago, as you're describing, you know, your.

Your two books.

If you were to give advice to somebody who is trying to find their way out of their own crap, what.

What would you tell them?

Having done it the hard way, what would you tell them to make it easier?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This.

This is a deep one.

So I want everybody to lean in close.

If you're watching the podcast, I want you to lean in and truly hear me, okay?

If you need help, sweetheart, get help, okay?

I'm telling you, it took me to my darkest place.

Some people don't understand what you're feeling, and you may not even understand it yourself.

It's okay to get help.

And let me tell you this, too.

If the first person you go to for help isn't helping you see the light, then go to somebody else.

Not every psychiatrist is for every person, okay?

They're, you know, therapy relationships, they don't always work.

You go through as many people as you need to find somebody you trust, okay?

Find somebody who can see you without judgment, okay?

And be easy on yourself.

If you know that you're not doing anything to hurt another person, then, sweetheart, give yourself some grace.

You are going to be okay.

And if you are in a situation, I want you to think about what can you do tangibly to remove yourself from it as quickly as possible, okay?

Sometimes you're in the situation and you don't see a way out.

But there is a way.

It may not be visible.

You may literally need to write that thing out, okay?

What is in your control right now and what's not, and let's work through the rest of it.

But.

But know that you are not by yourself.

I know it hurts when people close to you tell you what you can't do, what you shouldn't do, how you should act.

But again, you were not.

Let me put it this way.

I heard TD Jakes once say, jesus did not die for us to be unhappy.

Right now, it doesn't matter if you believe in Jesus or not.

To get the point that I'm trying to make, the point is you don't exist just to be unhappy and be miserable and experience trauma.

You were meant to live free.

Now, I'm not going to give you any spiel about why we go through the trauma we go through, okay?

It is a part of life, okay?

But I do know that as a result of that trauma, we are uniquely equipped to lift somebody else up out of it.

Okay?

If you haven't experienced anything, you can't relate to somebody when you're trying to tell them they're going to be okay, right?

They don't hear you.

Okay?

But help yourself.

And what I will say is help other people where you can.

Because sometimes the best way is to fill your own cup up is to pour out from yourself as well as you are helping to and speaking to other people.

Something in you starts to heal, okay?

It's a mutual benefit.

And then here's another thing.

I'll say, you guys might find this a little funny.

Find you a hobby that brings you peace and joy.

I'm going to tell you guys what mine is, and I bet you wouldn't guess it.

Matter of fact, Daryl, I'm going to ask you to guess what you think my peaceful hobby might be.

Oh, you might have seen it on my Instagram.

So maybe you do know.

Well, I was going to say music, because I know that you love music.

But I do love music.

You don't seem like a crocheter to me, Cross.

I do crochet, but that's not what I'm getting at.

You know, you'd have to tell me.

All right, so.

But that being said, I do love music.

So every now and again, I do just want to go in a booth in the studio, put the headphones on and just lose myself for a few hours.

If you need to do that, baby, do it.

You don't have to be able to pay for fancy studio time all of these apps and things that we have.

Work with what you got.

But actually my peaceful hobby is Lego of all things.

I love putting together Lego and yes, I am a 43 year old full grown woman who loves Lego.

And so yesterday there was something that happened earlier in the day that I felt very disappointed about.

I felt like, you know, I should have prepped for this better.

And I was being a little down on myself.

So I came home, I said, you know what, I need to put myself in my happy place right now.

I had, I always keep a couple LEGO kits in my, in my closet and I pulled one out and I spread the bags across the table.

I lit this candle right here because I love nice smelling candles.

Lit some incense, got myself in a mood and I sat here and did Lego for hours.

And it was peaceful, right?

Nice.

I don't care if anybody thinks I'm too old to do Lego.

I don't care.

You know, it is very peaceful for me.

So whatever it is, find you a hobby.

Me doing Lego doesn't hurt anybody.

Right.

And I am a big proponent.

As long as you're not hurting anybody, do what makes you happy.

So find yourself that thing.

It doesn't have to be Lego, but you can try it.

Right, but find yourself that thing.

Sketch, paint, walk, whatever it is that you need to engross yourself in.

Write poetry.

But something, you know what that thing is that makes you feel like you kind of transcended to another place for a moment.

It's okay to hide in that place for a few hours.

It is, absolutely.

And sometimes way better than unhealthy habits.

Absolutely.

It's, it's, it's a necessity to rejuvenate and recharge our battery and whatever that looks like for each individual person.

I'm going to ask you the same question that I ask every single guest because you're part of my tribe.

And so what does a warrior spirit or having a warrior spirit mean to my chair?

I think it means acknowledging that without the right alignment, we have the potential to be broken.

Right.

But with the right alignment, that warrior in you, and trust me, that warrior is in there.

You may not have tapped into it yet, but they are in there.

Trust me, that warrior lives in there.

It's up to you to align with the right people, right things, right space, so that that warrior can fly free.

Spirit to me sounds like freedom.

Right?

Okay.

And so if you want to fly free, you got to tap into that thing.

Now the reason why I say acknowledging is because I think to be a warrior you have to acknowledge that you can be broken without the right alignment.

Okay?

I could have, and thank you, God, that I didn't.

I could have accidentally taken myself out in that bathtub, and that was not my goal.

I was just so dark, I didn't know what to do.

And I was trying to control my pain, and I almost did some unreversible damage.

Thank God I didn't.

But you know what?

If I did not take that awakening and get the help that I needed, I don't know if I would be talking to you right now.

And so thank God that I did.

There's a reason God spared my life from myself.

Right.

And so I think that warrior spirit is acknowledging, yes, without the proper alignment, it may not work.

But with the right alignment, I once heard a lady say, and I will never forget this as long as I live, I heard a lady say once that even a dirty penny is still worth one cent.

Okay?

And so sometimes we feel dirty and damaged and broken, like we have nothing to offer.

Okay?

But baby, you do you still worth that same one cent is that brand new penny that just came off the press that's all shiny.

Okay?

And so that warrior spirit, to me, just.

Just means that, you know.

You know, we don't want anything bad to happen to us, but we know that if we're in the right alignment, it cannot break us.

We can't overcome it, and we can live a life that is full of joy.

It does not mean hard times won't happen.

But a warrior handles it differently, and a warrior aligns themselves with other warriors.

It doesn't mean if you're down, you can't spend time with your down friends.

But maybe all of y' all need help.

Okay?

So you might need to spend a little less time with your sad friend and get that warrior around you, but encourage them to do the same.

Right?

Because y' all can all win together.

Right.

But align yourself with some people who can speak that life into you because it's nice to be with people that can relate.

But it is very important that you bring somebody into your circle that can help boost that energy.

Absolutely.

I love it.

Well, I'm glad that you're in my circle of energy and.

And someone that I've come to adore.

I.

It's been a pleasure speaking with you tonight, and I thank you so much for sharing this, and yeah, thank you as well.

Look forward to seeing what's next on your journey.

Absolutely.

And you as well.

Thank you.

Keep up this amazing work.

I. I have no doubt that you are just being a blessing to so many people.

And I want to say to the other guests that you've had on your show and the other guests that will come on your show, thank you.

Thank you.

Because we never know if sharing our story helps one person, it is worth what we're doing.

So thank you for being brave and continue to be brave.

Yeah, I appreciate that, and so do my guests, and that's the goal of what we're trying to do.

So thank you for being a part of that and just have a rest of your night.

Thank you.

You, too.

Bye.