Seasons of Grief: Navigating Past Trauma

Megan: 00:00

Hey, how are you lately? I've talked to several people recently that are having a tough time. They've felt unusually emotional or found themselves grumpy and struggling to get through the day without knowing why. And I'll admit, I've been struggling too. And I think I know why.

In this episode, I'll share what I've been struggling with, what I've learned about how our bodies hold on to past traumas and how to heal, and what I'm doing to cope in this season.

Welcome to Maybe This Will Be The Cure, a podcast where the wisdom of a healing journey meets the warmth of shared experiences. Join as we explore the topics of healing, living with chronic conditions, chronic pain, neurodiversity, mental health, and parenting kids with disabilities. I'm your host, Megan.

For the past two weeks, I’ve felt awful. A cloud of depression has rolled in, bringing depressive thoughts, draining my energy and motivation and fogging up my brain, making it hard to function at my normal capacity. And then OCD symptoms that haven't bothered me for a long time have started to plague me again. The intrusive thoughts, that little voice telling me to do this or that, or else. I literally feel awful. I track my cycle religiously. My moods and mental health typically track with my cycle. But this was supposed to be my good weeks. So I kept wondering, why do I feel so awful? I tried to pinpoint the reason. Maybe it's cause of this, or maybe it's that.

But a couple weeks ago, as I hopped in the shower to get ready for the family Easter egg hunt, suddenly it all hit me. I realized what time of year it was. I was flooded with flashbacks, grief, and emotions. I sobbed hard for a solid 30 minutes as the wave of grief pummeled me. I learned recently this is called a grief attack, similar to a panic attack, but filled with grief.

And the reason for this wave? Well, two years ago, around this time, my son had the symptoms of type one diabetes, but we didn't know what was going on. During that time, we celebrated Easter and his birthday, we traveled to visit family in Utah and in Arizona, and experienced the beautiful spring weather, all while dealing with awful symptoms, searching for answers, meeting with different physicians, trying so many things. But he was still unwell and his health continued to decline. It was terrifying. During that time, I had a gnawing panic that something was seriously wrong. My stomach hurt all the time. It was aching with worry. My face broke out in itchy stress rashes. I was so overwhelmed and really concerned. When he was finally hospitalized and diagnosed with diabetes, that whole experience was traumatic in its own way, but it actually brought me so much relief to finally know what was going on for sure, and to get my son the help he actually needed.

Fast forward two years and here I was getting ready for an Easter get together, and it all hit me. I hadn't thought much about what time of year it was or the past traumas of two years ago, but my body knew. It remembered. The spring weather, the eastern birthday prep, our recent trip to Utah-all reminders to my body of that awful, scary time two years ago. Finally, I understood why the depression and OCD was flaring up again. It all makes sense. The body knows. And last year around this time, it also happened. The spring season brought up all that stuff.

As I've learned more about nervous systems to help me support my kids with sensitive nervous systems and sensitive threat responses, I’ve learned that when something scary or hurtful happens, it's like our bodies take a picture of it and remember it, even if our minds try to forget. And then our bodies react automatically to things that remind it of this scary or tough moment, making us feel stressed and scared all over again, even if we're safe now.

I was listening to a book recently, I think it was in “Beyond Behaviors” by Mona Delahooke, which is a great book, by the way. And there was a good example of this. There was a kid that was struggling with behavioral issues in class, and they were trying lots of things to try to help him, unsuccessfully. As they tried different things, eventually, they learned that his teacher, or maybe it was the aide, happened to be wearing the same perfume or cologne as someone that had hurt the boy in the past. His body was being triggered by that scent and reacting.

So for me, you know, two years ago in the Spring when my son was very sick, it was during Easter and his birthday celebrations. And so now, as I'm preparing for those events and as the signs of spring are springing outside, it all reminds my body of that awful, scary time. And the alarm bells start going off. It's no wonder then that I've been feeling depressed, anxious, and experiencing a flare up of OCD.

I don't know if you've heard of Irene Lyon, I think I've mentioned her before. But anyways, she's a nervous system expert. And last year I took an online training from her about healing trauma, and she explained five necessary keys to heal. They are, number one, awareness or psychoeducation. So gaining an understanding of how the brain, body, and nervous system work and what healing trauma looks like–learning about the vagus nerve and polyvagal theory, how our nervous system stores traumatic memories, what it takes to heal, learning about co regulation and neuroplastic healing–all things I've been learning about as we've navigated my kids nervous system disabilities and autism diagnoses.

Number two, you need connection, support, and community. And one of the most beautiful things I've experienced since starting this little podcast are all the opportunities it's given me to connect with others. I've gotten so many sweet messages from people and have had lots of conversations with others about the things I've talked about on the podcast, and I appreciate it so much.

The third thing she talked about is mastering stress physiology. She says that to do this, we need to go right to the source of how our body responds to stress and holds on to it. And she teaches how to work with different parts of the body to help with your stress response. I haven't taken her full program, so I don't know her process for this, but I've taken other programs that have worked on the nervous system and there's different things that we've done to support the body to help with those stress responses.

Since it's Spring, I've loved learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine’s perspective on that transition to Spring and how Spring is a time of rebirth and renewal. You know, like spring cleaning your house, your body's in that same energy. But according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, if your liver qi is stagnant after winter, it can make you feel blocked and create frustrating symptoms like irritability and restlessness, or physical symptoms like aches, pains, acne, indigestion, bloating, allergy symptoms, and bad PMS. So to support your body during this time, it recommends movement like walking and stretching, and eating more leafy greens, and using liver supporting herbs, cleaning out or decluttering your space, and finding healthy ways to express and release emotions. So I've been doing all those things this season to support my body stress physiology.

The fourth thing that Irene Lyon talks about to heal is feeling our discomforts and fears. She says “The very experiences, especially scary feelings and uncomfortable sensations we try to avoid are often the very same experiences we need to feel to really heal.” I'll read that one more time. “The very experiences, especially scary feelings and uncomfortable sensations we try to avoid are often the very same experiences we need to feel to really heal.” And she talks about learning to feel them in a way that's manageable and that leads to the release of the stress responses without keeping us stuck or sending us into shutdown.

The fifth thing she talks about is building capacity, she says as you work on the other four things–awareness, connection, mastering stress physiology, feeling your fears and discomforts–it all helps to grow your capacity. I'll link to the training in the show notes. It was really impactful for me, so hopefully you find it helpful. And I'm not an expert on any of these things, but I just wanted to share some of the things that have been helpful to me in healing and coping this season.

So first I want to talk about feeling your feelings. And yes, feeling those awful emotions and sensations is painful and uncomfortable. But I've learned that emotions and feelings are like waves. They hit you and then they recede. And I'm learning that when I try to resist the feelings or shame myself for having certain feelings, they tend to linger longer or jam things up.

One of my coaches explained that she thinks about feelings like a train station, with different feelings coming and going all the time. But if you try to resist one, it's like a train getting stuck in the station and preventing the other feelings from coming in. So I've been practicing allowing the feeling to come in and be with it.

Now, you might be asking, how? How do you actually feel your feelings? Like, what does that even mean? And I've asked that myself. And one way I've learned to feel my feelings is to notice what the sensation feels like in my body and name it. You know, where is the feeling in my body? What does it feel like? What color is it? What shape? For example, I'm feeling a heavy weight in my stomach. It's a dull, gnawing pain, as if I haven't eaten in days. It feels like a dark, gray, heavy rain cloud for me when I do this, it almost seems to pull the emotion out of me so I can examine it. And then in doing so, I often feel a bit lighter.

Another one of my coaches gave me a really helpful visualization. She said, when grief comes in or whatever uncomfortable emotion you're dealing with, she imagines letting the feeling get as big as possible, completely filling her body. Then she imagines it expanding out and filling the room, then the town, all the way up to space. When I've done this visualization, as I imagine the feeling getting bigger and bigger and filling up my whole body and the room, all the way out to space for a couple minutes, I usually cry harder as the feeling moves through and then exits my body. But then this incredible peace and calm and relief rolls in.

Another way I'm processing, is through journaling and writing. It helps me to make sense of those tough past experiences and helps me see what's currently going on in my brain. I love to do a brain dump where I just unload all the thoughts swirling around onto paper. Typing or handwriting–it doesn't matter. I don't worry about grammar or spelling or anything. I just furiously write whatever comes to my mind. Once I see what's going on in there, I can start to examine and reframe my current line of thinking.

And to help me make sense of those thoughts and experiences and to help me reframe my thinking, I love working with a therapist and a life coach. And I just want to give an example of how a coach helped me reframe my thoughts and see my experiences in a new light. I used to think that being sad and grieving is just a waste of time. Even now, I sometimes feel guilty when I can't show up at my same capacity because I'm dealing with these symptoms of this grief, the depression, anxiety, and OCD. I remember saying to my coach, I get that I need to feel my feelings and process my grief, but why do I have to keep doing it? Like, shouldn't once be enough? It seems like such a waste of time to keep feeling sad or experiencing grief. It's slowing me down from doing all I want to do. I just want to live my life. And she helped me realize that perhaps feeling sad is actually a part of living my life.

I've quoted Viktor Frankl, author of “Man's Search for Meaning”, many times on this podcast. So sorry to belabor the message, but I just really appreciate his wisdom when he says that suffering is an inextricable part of life. In high school, we studied world religions and I did my report on Buddhism. The Buddhist perspective on suffering is central to its teachings, and it's encapsulated in the four noble truths.

The first noble truth, the truth of suffering, is that suffering is an inherent part of existence. Suffering exists in life. This includes physical suffering like illness and pain, emotional suffering like sadness and frustration, and existential suffering that comes from the impermanent nature of things.

The second noble truth, the truth of the origin of suffering, explains that the cause of our suffering is our desire and attachment for things that are impermanent. Feeling upset comes from wanting things to stay the same. But everything around us changes. We often don't want to acknowledge pain. We sometimes wish things could stay the same forever, and we often dislike change. We like to feel certain and in charge. Stability and control is comforting, which is why sometimes we ignore the truth that nothing lasts forever.

The third noble truth, the truth of the cessation of suffering, is that it is possible to end the cycle of suffering and to obtain a state of inner peace and freedom, also known as nirvana or enlightenment. To understand and overcome suffering starts with acknowledgement and using meditation and mindfulness and other spiritual practices to help you pay attention to the present moment, let go of attachments, and move on.

The fourth noble truth, the truth of the path to the cessation of suffering, provides a practical guideline for ethical and mental development, with the goal of freeing individuals from attachments and delusions, leading to understanding, love and peace.

I loved learning about those four noble truths, the teaching that suffering is an inherent part of life caused by our attachment to impermanent things and wanting to be in control, and that enlightenment and peace can be achieved by understanding this impermanence, letting go of attachments, and through following the Eightfold path of ethical and mental development. But as a teenager in high school, I don't think it really sunk in.

Lately, as I've worked with a therapist and different coaches working through my different experiences, I've gained the understanding that suffering is a part of living my life. It's okay. Maybe you're thinking “Duh, Megan,” but to me it was life changing information. And the irony of that realization is that by accepting that sadness is a part of my life and making space for it and not shaming myself or feeling that way or seeking to immediately change it or escape the feelings, it actually gives me more peace, freedom, and ultimately reduces my suffering. I'm a human being. Living my life includes experiencing lots of different feelings, not just happiness, but sadness and grief too. Things are always changing, and that's okay.

So in this season, where I'm experiencing more sadness than usual, I've slowed down. I'm doing the bare minimum and leaving the rest for another time. For example, mealtimes for us are still pretty messy, and some of my kids’ stims are also pretty messy, and often there are small pieces of food and food packaging and large pieces all around the living room each day. I hate picking it up throughout the day because it just gets messy again. It's too frustrating for me. So instead, I usually spend about 30 minutes to an hour each morning while my kids sleep, cleaning up the mess from the day before. But for the past week, I quit. I let the mess pile up. Instead of cleaning, I took hot baths. I ate good food, I used red light. I journaled. I felt the sadness and went to therapy. I listened to an interesting book on Audible while walking barefoot around the backyard in the sun and grounding. I slept in. I hopped on the elliptical. I watched a fun new show. After a week of this, I finally had the energy again to clean up the mess. It took a little longer than usual, but guess what? That week of mess didn't hurt anybody. We all survived and I got what I needed at the time.

Now maybe for you, cleaning is cathartic. I'm not trying to say that the key to slowing down is to stop cleaning, I'm just trying to illustrate–are there things that you can drop in this season so that you have the space to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself in the way that you actually need right now?

And I've had seasons in my life where I couldn't slow down, or at least not by much. After my son's diagnosis in May a couple years ago, things were so crazy. For the next several months I didn't get a chance to slow down and catch my breath or deal with my feelings until January. And then it all hit me like a truck. And it took a while to start feeling like myself again.

And there's also been seasons in my life like my deep depression several years ago or I didn't have the tools to help me process my feelings in a safe and healthy way. So maybe you're not in a position yet to slow down and process your grief. Or maybe it's not safe yet for your body to deal with it all. Feeling and processing it all can be really hard and painful and a lot of intense work. I get it.

So if you're there, please don't heap on more suffering with the guilt. You're doing the best you can at this moment. Hold on. It won't feel this way forever. Keep taking that tiny shift forward one tiny step at a time. Healing slow is still healing.

Thanks for indulging me as I discussed my current struggles and the things I'm doing to cope and heal. Like acknowledging that our bodies remember past traumas and that suffering is a part of life and using tools like therapy, coaching, journaling, slowing down and taking care of myself. I hope it helps you feel a little less alone and maybe gives you some ideas for your own journey.

To wrap up, to be honest, I'm still struggling. I still don't feel like myself. I'm still processing the grief and sadness. But I'm grateful I have the tools to support me through it now and the clarity to make sense of what's going on. I'm so grateful for my body helping me to pause and take the time I need to heal. I know I won't feel like this forever. I'll come out of it again. And in the meantime, I'm so grateful for this little podcast to connect with all of you so maybe we can all feel a little less alone in our struggles. Thanks again for letting me talk your ear off. Until next time.

Thanks for joining us today. Where dreams are nurtured, challenges are met with resilience, and every tiny step forward is a victory. Hit subscribe so you can easily find new episodes and join this community, because maybe this will be the cure.

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