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Episode description

I stood up in the council chamber in Truro, tried to tell everyone about a film I loved, and called an albatross a pterodactyl.

That was years ago. I still go over it. I still feel a bit sick before I speak in that room.

The mistake took two seconds. The suffering has taken years, and I have been the one supplying it.

That is what this episode is about. The Buddha called it the two arrows. Life fires the first one, and you cannot dodge it. The email lands, the relationship ends, the body starts aching in the morning. That pain is real and it is not optional. Then we pick up the bow ourselves and fire the second one, every time we replay it, every time we go over what we should have said, every time we lie there at night and cannot put it down.

Life sometimes misses with the first arrow. We never miss with the second. We are far too good a shot.

But there is a part of this I did not expect to end up talking about, and it is the bit people push back on hardest when I say it out loud. I think we hold on to the suffering because it feeds something in us. When we are struggling, we get to be the hero of our own story. Battling through. Still here. Doing all right, considering. And if life goes easy for a while, that hero has nothing to do.

I am not offering you a way to stop feeling pain. I do not think there is one, and I think the people selling one are lying. Getting better at this usually means feeling more, not less. It just does not have to last as long.

No adverts, no sponsors, and it stays that way.

What is in this one

• (00:00) The albatross, the pterodactyl, and a veteran councillor who made it worse
• (05:00) The email you reread in your head hours later, and why that is the second arrow
• (07:00) Why the first arrow sometimes misses and the second one never does
• (08:00) Pain is not proof your practice has failed
• (09:00) Where I think the spiritual world gets this wrong
• (11:00) The suffering loop, and the hero it keeps fed
• (12:00) Five hundred miles round Cornwall, and why the sunny days near St Ives were the hardest to fundraise on
• (15:00) Why we evolved to replay the bad things, and when that stops serving you
• (18:00) Your homework

Your homework this week

Sit with the meditation that goes with this episode, linked below.

Then just count. For one week, notice how many times you replay something somebody said to you, as if this time you are going to solve it, or win it, or make it fair. You do not have to stop doing it. Just catch yourself doing it and name it quietly. There is the second arrow.

Sometimes you will catch it. Sometimes you will not. Both are fine.

Notable quotes from this episode

"Sometimes life misses with the first arrow. But the second arrow, because we're the one firing it internally, it never misses. We're a damn good aim with that." (07:00)

"The mind cannot think its way out of a problem it did not cause." (17:00)

"When we're suffering, when we're going through a really bad time, we have this mechanism that makes us feel like the hero that's battling through. But if life is really easy, then what's that hero got to do?" (11:30)

"Just because you have pain, it doesn't mean your practice isn't working." (08:00)

"One of the veteran councillors came over and said, I think you meant albatross. I said, did I say pterodactyl? He said, you did." (02:30)

Links

• The companion meditation: The Second Arrow, A Meditation to Reduce Your Suffering
• Everything else, including the Weekly Calm newsletter: stevenwebb.uk
• Now on YouTube: search Stillness in the Storms
• If you want to treat me to a coffee, it is all at stevenwebb.uk

Thank you

Adam, Alison, Anna, Diana, Dominique, Dova, Ellen, Fran, Jenna and Mia, Jennifer, Jude, Kellee, Kylin, Marcie, Rita, Simon, Stefan, Stephen and Sue. This podcast does not exist without you.

So on this episode I want to talk about suffering and our pain.

And if there's one thing I've learned in my life is pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

I know, I think it was the Buddha or someone like that said.

And I always remember one of the very first times I spoke in the council chamber.

So I was on Trur city council at this point.

I'd only been on there a few weeks.

The very first meeting I never turned up to because I. I made some excuse, I said, like I was away that weekend, I wasn't at all, I was just so terrified to turn up.

So I went to the next meeting and I never spoke for several weeks, several months.

And finally there was an idea of trying to reduce single use plastic in Truro.

And I seen an amazing film, the.

It was called the Albatross.

And I wanted to show it in the cinema, to show it to all the local restaurants and cafes and things like that.

And I put a motion to council to see if we could write to True Cinema to see if they would show it for free and we could invite everybody, because the film depicts the way the Albatrosses pick up all the plastic in the oceans right over there in Midway island, where there isn't many people at all, unless you go there for a certain reason.

And they film them not being able to take off because they cannot bring it up, and because they stay on the island, they starve.

So that was the story I wanted to tell you.

So I put the motion there.

It was full council.

I remember exactly where I was sat.

I was so nervous it come to my part.

And the mayor said, and Councillor Webb, do you want to speak to your motion?

And I said, yeah.

And I tried to tell them the story and because I store words in my brain in the same way that are similar words, like I asked someone to put my lid on one day and I meant my top, you know, it lid, top.

I can see where they were both stored the same place.

And I looked up and said the birds were pterodactyls.

It was a big bird, you know, And I didn't realize until probably several sentences on I was thinking, no, I didn't, surely I didn't.

And I got my way through it.

And after, I think it was voted unanimously, yes to go ahead, I think they felt sorry for me because I fumbled it that badly.

Although they said I did a good job, I.

One of the counselors, one of the veteran counselors come over to me and said, I think you meant Albatross.

I went, did I say pterodactyl?

He went, you did?

I said, oh, I just wanted to die.

And then he rubbed insult in.

He looked over and in his deep voice he goes, and you know an albatross is just a large seagull, don't you?

And I'm like, I'm sure it's not, but I'm not going to argue.

And for years, even now, I still go over it and I still panic.

So whenever I'm going to talk in the chamber or talk in council or go to speak out loud, I'm terrified of that feeling.

I felt sick and I. I still suffer today because of that.

And that's what I want to talk about on today's podcast is how much we suffer when it comes down to the pain and the suffering, the differences, and how we can reduce some of that suffering.

And it's probably a podcast I need at the moment, and that's why I'm doing it.

So welcome.

This is Stillness in the Storms and I'm Stephen Webb, your host, and over the next 10 minutes, I'll explain all about that.

But before that, I want to say thank you to some very special, incredible people.

So this podcast would not exist without these incredible people.

So thank you.

Adam, Allison, Anna, Diana, Dominique, Dover, Ellen, Fran, Jenna, Amir, Jennifer, Jade, Kelly, Killen, Marcia, Rita, Simon, Stefan, Steven and Sue.

Now, I know there's quite a long list there, but it has been two weeks, nearly three weeks, I think, since I've done a podcast.

So thank you, guys.

I've always said I will not put adverts in any of my podcasts or any of my inner peace meditations.

So if you'd like to support, just treat me to a coffee head over to stephenweb.uk but getting back on with the show, talking about, how many times have you read an email and then you repeat it to yourself hours later?

Or you phone a friend like in the who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

And you repeat it and you go over it in your head and every time you think about it, or someone cheats on you or someone does something wrong, and you just.

You just feel that pain every single time you think about it.

I remember when I first split up with somebody I was deeply in love with, and that hurt.

That really did hurt badly.

But then I would think about them with other people.

I would think about what they said to me and every single thing that I said in a relationship, and every single time this cut really deep.

It was really painful.

And if someone says something quite harsh, to me, or I make a mistake, it goes on in my head for hours and hours.

And I go to bed at night and I cannot put it down.

And this is what the Buddha meant by the second arrow.

So the first arrow is the pain that happens.

Life's gonna fire the first arrow.

You cannot avoid that.

As much as we'll say, why me?

And, you know, we'll always be a bit annoyed by it, and we'll always feel like a bit of a victim, especially when we think we don't deserve it.

But then the second arrow is the one we fire, the second arrow is the one we pick up.

We load the bow, and every time we think about it, every time we go over it in our heads, every time we post on Facebook or phone a friend or moan to somebody else or just try to work it out in our heads, always creates a feeling as well.

And that's the suffering.

The pain is inevitable.

The suffering is optional.

I think it was the Buddha that said.

And he explained it by the two arrows.

And one thing that we're incredibly good at with the second arrow is the aim.

You know, sometimes life misses with the first arrow.

Sometimes it's a close call.

It's like, yes, I got away with that one.

But the second arrow, because we're the one firing it internally, it never misses.

We're a damn good aim with that.

So.

And I think that's where a lot of the suffering comes.

I gotta be honest, my life's taught me that no matter how much pain I go through, I'm still going to go through more pain.

There's still going to be new things happening.

I'm still going to lose on something, not get a job or something like that.

And it's still going to be painful.

But if I stay there, that's when the suffering really does hit home.

And just because you have pain, it doesn't mean your practice isn't working.

It doesn't mean that you're sitting down and you're meditating and all that, and you're going to live happily ever after and you're never going to have any kind of suffering again.

Just because you're feeling pain, that doesn't mean your practice isn't working.

Your meditations are working.

In actual fact, you'll probably feel a lot more pain when you get more in touch with your feelings, when you see your thinking a little more, when you become aware of your deeper feelings, you'll end up feeling the pain around the world a lot more and a lot deeper.

But it won't stay so long.

You won't suffer so long with it.

You'll recognize that, well, this is something I can be aware of, but I'm not going to fire the second arrow and do this to myself.

But I can still be really hurt by some of the terrible things that are going on in the world.

Some of the news we hear, it's not a matter of disconnecting and feeling no pain whatsoever.

This is, I think, sometimes where the spiritual realm gets it wrong.

Sometimes it's like, oh, it's all about living in bliss.

And I'm going to turn off the news and I'm going to avoid all kinds of pain and all that.

I'm going to live happily ever after.

No life will dish up to you.

You know, one thing is guaranteed is we're all gonna die.

And you know, someone around us can die.

We, we're gonna have grief, our bodies are gonna break down.

They're not going to be as good as they were.

You know, I don't know anyone 60 years old jumps out of bed and goes, yeah, I'm just like a 20 year old and I don't know anybody.

50, 60, Like when, yep, I, I totally took advantage of my body when it was useful and everything like that.

And now I totally happy with settling into the aches and pains every single day.

And we can reduce those kind of things just a little bit, but you're not going to get rid of the pain.

The difference is if you lie in bed in the morning complaining about the pain you're going to get when you move your arms and don't move your arms, and I'm talking about me now, literally lying in bed in the morning, my arms and my shoulders, they're going to feel like they're going to break when I move.

But once I do it, once I get on with it, it's fine.

The suffering goes away, it disappears because you get on with it.

And I do recognize that we get stuck in a suffering loop because it's one of the things that feeds us as humans.

Because as humans our lives are quite messy.

It's a different subject really.

But like AI, we're trying to have that perfect everything at the moment with AI, and it's terrible because humans are not perfect and that's what makes them brilliantly human.

We're taking the human side out of things and.

But going back to the suffering and pain and very much we get stuck in that suffering loop.

And that suffering loop feeds us.

I'll tell you how it feeds us.

Because we become the hero of our own journey.

Bear with me on this.

I've spoke about this a few times, but whenever I say this to someone in person, I always get quite a reaction.

Like me.

No, not me.

Well, I'm saying you and everybody.

I tell you why.

Because when we are suffering, when we're going through a really bad time, we have this inner feeling inside of us which is brilliant.

A mechanism that absolutely works, that makes us feel like the hero that's battling through, you know?

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm doing good.

I'm doing all right.

You know, it's a struggle, but I'm still here.

And we still feel like we're winning the war.

We're in the middle of the battle, but that's the hero in us.

But the problem is, if life is really easy, then what's that hero got to do?

That one of the last things that hero wants is an easy life.

Because if life is easy, then we got nothing to really go.

No, I'm battling through.

And I'll give you an example.

When I was doing my 500 miles around Cornwall on the really sunny days, and I remember one particular day up near Salt Ash, it was a really sunny day.

The roads were really quiet.

It was really warm, not too hot.

And I was like, I'm doing this.

I'm raising money.

I'm loving this.

This is, like, so awesome.

You know, if I was doing this and I'd pay to do this, this is just the best day.

The view out over the ocean.

And then it's almost like you don't want to ask for the money.

You don't want to say, I'll donate.

But when the day is raining and when the day is, like, miserable and cold and you're battling through it, it's like, it brings out a hero, brings out that toughness in us.

And I think we need a bit of that sometimes.

So I think the suffering feeds that in us, and it keeps an adrenaline there that we're doing okay, we're doing good.

And I don't see a problem with that, because I frame every single story in my life as I'm the hero.

Of course I am.

I'm the center of my story.

You cannot not be the center of your story.

You cannot have an opinion of somebody else.

You can only have an opinion of yourself.

You can only have your own perspective.

You can try and simulate other perspectives.

You can see another perspective, but you cannot truly ever see.

You cannot truly ever be another perspective.

When you come back to looking at it, and so that's why I do believe we come at everything as you know, we're here, we're battling through, we're doing okay.

And when life is really good, it doesn't serve us well, it doesn't serve the hero in us.

And I hope you're not offended by this, because I was offended by this when I heard about we frame everything as a hero because, like, not me.

No.

And the more I think about, the more I become aware of it.

Absolutely me, you know?

How are you doing, Stephen?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Despite all my pain, despite all my spasms and despite all my.

It's like my life really isn't that bad, you know, but we compare it with each other and we do what we do.

So I've gone off on a little bit of a tangent now, but it is the same kind of thing.

And I just wanted to.

Because I haven't scripted this, forgot what it's called.

I haven't even scripted this podcast or anything.

I just wanted to talk about the two arrows and what the Buddha says and how much of our life that we cause the suffering.

And I believe we do.

I think back to my life.

How much of my life have I suffered through my sulking, through my cutting my nose off to spite my face, making decisions because I want to.

I want it to be tougher than what it would normally be.

It.

There's almost something in that remembering and re.

I was going to say regurgitating in our head.

I suppose we are in some way.

It has a purpose, though, in evolution.

Because in evolution, if we don't go over what could happen to us and the bad things, if we don't solidate it in our minds in some way, we going to repeat the bad things.

It makes sense.

We lived in for 2,300,000 years.

We lived with having to hunt in forests and in open areas.

And we had to remember to not do the bad things.

When we seen our friends arms ripped off, we got to remember not to do that and we got to repeat it.

We got to go back and tell that story.

So I'm not saying we should never repeat it and we should never think about it.

I'm just saying if it isn't serving you, if it isn't putting you towards where you need to go, start to think, is this the second arrow that I'm firing?

And am I doing the suffering?

Am I causing the suffering now?

And I've recorded the meditation that goes with this podcast because I think it's just nice to sit back and recognize a time when someone cut us up in a road or someone said something to us that wasn't very nice and they were projecting their lives.

And then we just repeat it again and again in our heads.

And like I said earlier, we are really good aim.

You know, I've never failed with that second arrow to land it because it's always on us.

It's always on us.

And the mind cannot think its way out of a problem it did not cause.

It's really worth remembering that.

So that's my podcast this week.

I'm sorry, it's been almost three weeks that I haven't done one.

I have.

I've been the hero for three weeks, battling a little bit of illness and the heat and things like that.

And I've been the victim hero day in and day out for the last few weeks.

I'm feeling a little bit better now, just before the new heat wave comes in.

I hope you're doing well.

We got a lot of forest fires in Europe and America and all at the moment, and I think we now realize what Australia goes through when they have the forest fires or the bushfires.

Can't remember what you called out over there.

But anyway, look, thank you for being there.

Thank you for allowing me to be the hero.

I say that with a really open heart because I think when we realize we frame everything as the hero from our own perspective, I think it opens up doors for us to realize and we stop suffering a little bit more.

So your homework this week.

Homework.

Your homework this week is to do the meditation.

There'll be a link in the show notes, but also, just consider how many times you repeat what people say to you and as if we're going to solve it, as if we're going to get them back or as if we're going to improve it in some way or justify it.

Very often it's their problem.

It's what they did.

They're the ones projecting.

Well, it always is.

You know, we can only ever do that.

And you think of how many times you've said something wrong in the heat of the moment, and then you suffer because you repeat it back to yourself.

And, why did I do that?

Why did I do that?

And, yeah, life sucks.

Life is pain.

Life is to some degree suffering.

But we don't have to suffer entirely.

We don't have to suffer anywhere near as much as we suffer with shooting our own arrows in our own feet or wherever we shoot our arrows.

So I just want to say thank you again to all the donators.

People that leave a review.

You guys are absolutely awesome.

If you're not part of my weekly Calm newsletter.

I haven't done it for two weeks, but I'm going to do it after this podcast.

Going to write it.

I enjoy writing that.

It's just, yeah, like I say, been a bit of a victim last two weeks and I'm coming out the hero, so that's enough for me for now.

Just want to say thank you to you.

You're awesome.

And you can watch this over on YouTube now.

Just look for Stillness in the Storms YouTube channel and the link will be below as well, if you want to.

I don't know if you want to watch me stay in these words, but anyway, head over to stephenweb.uk all the links are there.

Take care and thank you for sitting with me and I love you.