Have you ever felt really, really angry? Did you notice any physical reaction to your spike in anger? If you’re holding onto long-term polarized emotions, it could be leading you away from wellness-promoting homeostasis and onto illness or disease. Join Dr John Demartini and discover the impact that anger and resentment can have on your life.

This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.

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Every behavior that you have serves some purpose.

And when you're having the ABCDs of negativity, that's not a bad thing.

It's trying to let you know that you have unrealistic expectation.

I'll be willing to bet that everybody who's maybe listening to this,

you're probably having moments in your life where you get pretty angry.

I've certainly had my share.

And the impact of it is pretty profound.

But first let me talk about why it's there and what source it coming from and

how it comes about,

and then maybe what it does to the physiology if it stays there.

First of all, every human being lives by a set of priorities,

set of values, things that are most least important in their life.

And that includes you and includes everyone that

from children to spouse, to friends, to colleagues, to customers, you name it.

And in that hierarchy values that each individual has,

whatever's top on that value list is what they're inspired to fulfill most.

Their ontological identity, who they think they are revolves around it.

Their primary objective mission or purpose in life revolves around it.

And their epistemological pursuit,

what they want to learn and what they want to become greatest at,

revolves around it, that highest value.

So anything that assists us in fulfilling that is

inspiring to us.

If somebody comes along and does something that challenges

that, or we perceive is interfering with that,

we tend to want to plow through that and get past that because it's,

it's interfering with what we value, what we want in life, who we are.

And if somebody comes along and supports it, then we tend to open up to them.

We tend to close down to people that challenge it.

We tend to open up to people that support it.

So every human being has a unique set of priorities, set of values,

and the highest one is unique.

So no two people have the same set of priorities and values and it's

fingerprints specific.

So everybody you're interacting with is either going to be similar or different,

more supportive or challenging, probably friend or foe,

and people you like or dislike.

And there are people out there that completely have

than you, they opposite of you.

And very commonly you go find them and marry them ,

that's the funny part. But

whatever it is that is highest on your values that you want to fulfill in life,

as you go down, all the values become more extrinsic.

And as you go up more intrinsic.

Intrinsic means you're spontaneously inspired from within to fulfill it.

And extrinsic means you need to be motivated to do it,

if it's low on your values. So low,

you need to be reminded and motivated and incentivized to do it.

Because of this, anytime you expect yourself

to live outside that hierarchy of values,

that set of priorities that you live by,

anytime you expect yourself to live outside that value,

you're going to tend to defeat yourself.

You're going to tend to beat yourself up. You'll tend to procrastinate,

hesitate, and frustrate doing those things,

because anything that's low on your values, you procrastinate,

hesitate and frustrate doing. Anything that's high on your values,

you're disciplined, reliable and focused doing.

So anytime you expect yourself to do something other than what's really most

important to you, highest on your value,

you're going to let yourself down and you're going to self depreciate and you're

going to feel like you're letting yourself down and you're going to feel like

you know, I'm not, you're self depreciate. That's the way I describe it,

self depreciation. And you're going to feel like you're letting yourself down.

You're not living up to expectation.

So any time you expect yourself to live outside what you value most

you're going to end up being angry at yourself.

And anytime you expect yourself to live according to your highest values,

you're going to be reliant. You're going to be disciplined,

reliable and focused, you'll get things done.

And you'll be appreciative of yourself.

So anytime you set goals that are aligned with your highest values,

you appreciate. Anytime you put it lower on your values, you depreciate.

Now that also occurs for other people.

So any human being that you interact with, spouse, kids, whatever,

anytime you expect them to live outside their highest values,

they're going to let you down. They're not really betraying you.

You're betraying you because you're expecting them to do something they're not

going to do. Every time they perceive, decide and act,

It's based on what they value most.

And every decision they make is based on what they believe will give them the

greatest advantage over disadvantage at any moment.

So anytime you expect a human being to live outside what they value most,

you're going to be let down. You're going to feel frustrated,

because they're not going to be doing what you expect. Now,

they're not wrong for being who they are,

but you may be unwise expecting them to be something they're not.

Because their identity revolves around the highest values and that's who they

are, that's their decisions, and that's what you can rely.

You can rely on me to be teaching, researching, and writing,

but you can't rely on me to be socializing and drinking and partying and doing

other things because that's just not my value.

So anytime you expect me to do that, I'm going to let you down.

And anytime you expect another human being to live in your values or live

outside their values, you're going to have anger and aggression.

You're going to want to blame them and feel betrayed.

You're going to want to criticize them and challenge them back.

You're going to feel, you know, depressed and despaired.

You're going to want to exit and escape them probably.

You're going to feel frustrated and futile, grouchy and grieving,

hate them and hurt them. And you're going to want to be, you know,

irritable and irrational around them,

because you're expecting them to be living outside what they value most.

So anytime you expect them to live outside their values,

you're going to have that.

And anytime you expect yourself to live outside your own values,

you're going to have it towards yourself.

So you're going to be angry to others or angry at yourself if you expect you to

live outside your values or them outside theirs.

Also no human being is one-sided in life.

So anytime you expect someone to be one-sided individual; nice, never mean,

kind, never cruel, positive, never negative, peaceful,

never taking, anytime you expect them to be one-sided, again,

you're setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations.

Anger means unmet expectation. And if your expectations are unrealistic,

well you're going to be angry because they're not going to meet those

unrealistic expectations.

So anytime you expect others to be one sided or expect yourself to be one sided,

you're going to be angry at them or yourself.

You're going to have what I call the ABCDs of negativity towards them or towards

yourself. So let's rephrase that.

Anytime you expect them to live in your values,

anytime you expect them to be one sided, you're going to end up with the anger,

because you're having an unrealistic expectation that's going to be on that.

Anytime you expect yourself to be one sided or expect yourself to live outside

your own highest values, again, you're going to be angry at yourself.

So I'm going to make sure you get this,

that your anger towards the others or you is a feedback mechanism to let you

know you have unrealistic expectations.

So blaming somebody for not living up to your unrealistic expectations is

delusional.

The only thing you can expect a human being to do is to live according to their

own values. Now, if you don't know what their values are, well,

and you don't know your own values, well,

you're going to live with all kind of unrealistic expectations probably.

That's why I have on my website the Value Determination process.

Please go to drdemartini.com go and take 30 minutes of your time,

go through 13 questions to take a look at what you really value, and what,

maybe a friend can do the same, and find out what they really value.

If you discover what it is, now you know what to expect.

When you have realistic expectations for people to do whatever they think will

be fulfilling to their highest values, you're not likely to get angry.

And when you get angry, you create, again, physiological feedback.

Because now you have an expectation that's unmet,

that activates the sympathetic nervous system,

causes a fight or flight response, you get angry,

you want to fight with them or want to avoid them, fight or flight.

And you tend to want to challenge them and criticize.

them and all the behaviors I just mentioned,

and now you're sitting around doing that and what that does is raises blood

sugar so you increase your hyper things. It lowers your insulin.

It raises your glucagon. It makes you ready for fight or flight.

It moves your blood from the internal gut out into the periphery,

your muscles get tense and tight. Your jaw gets tight. Your eyes get red.

Your digestive system shuts down,

your bowels shut down, your intestines and digestive system shut down.

All the sympathetic responses that go on, for fight or flight,

your testosterone goes up, you get more aggressive.

Your muscular turf is tightened up. I mean,

you have vasoconstriction and vasodilation and different organs,

your physiology is letting you know that you have an unrealistic

expectation.

Anger is a feedback mechanism to let you know that you're expecting somebody

live outside their values or one-sided,

or expecting yourself to live outside your values or one-sided,

or expecting a group of people or collective society to be one-sided or live

outside its individual values. Anytime you have those unrealistic expectations,

well, anger is your friend.

Anger's not a bad thing.

I mean it's amazing how we've labeled certain behaviors good and others bad.

I think that whole thing is antiquated.

Every behavior that you have serves some purpose.

And when you're having the ABCDs of negativity, that's not a bad thing.

It's trying to let you know that you have unrealistic expectations.

I've said when you're depressed and you're angry and depressed,

it's because you're comparing your current reality to some fantasy or

unrealistic expectation you're having. As long as you have that,

that's not a bad thing to have anger. It's letting you know, Hey,

you got an unrealistic expectation.

You're expecting that individual to be living one sided or in your values

or outside their values. You know,

I have people come up to me and they expect me to be doing something that's not

important to me.

And when they do and they project self righteously those values onto me and I

don't live up to it, they're angry and I'm going, I'm just being me,

but you're projecting an expectation on me to be somebody who I'm not.

And so if I do, their self righteous projection of their values onto me,

expecting me to live in their values or do what they want me to do or be one

sided, well, then they're going to be angry.

I can't control their perceptions and their expectations and their reactions,

but I'm not the source of it necessarily.

Now if I do something and put expectations on them and unrealistic,

and they can get frustrated by that,

now I'm creating my own reality because now I'm putting an unrealistic

expectation on. Now I'm angry and they're angry.

And you can imagine going all over the world,

going with all these different people in your life and having unrealistic

expectations. Now everybody's angry ,and they're all under sympathetic response.

And then they have this cardiovascular hypertension and they have diabetes

and they have strokes and all the things that go along with chronic

unrealistic expectations and angers.

So my main objectives today is to make you realize that, Hey,

your anger is under your governance. ,

it's nothing what happens to you out there. It's what you perceive and expect.

And if you expect something that's not realistic, well, you're going to,

you're going to be angry. You know,

if I go into a restaurant and I order something and I have an expectation

based on what's on the menu and they don't deliver what's on the menu,

when I've ordered something on the menu and that the person didn't listen to my

order, even though I've written it down and handed it to them or something,

well, then I might have a realistic expectation for them to do that.

But if they,

if I'm expecting to live outside their own values and I expect them to do

something that's unrealistic, well,

then I have to be accountable for my own reality.

But sometimes we have these ideas. People say they're going to do something,

but I found out a long time ago, I don't go by what people say,

I go by what their values are because sometimes people don't want to upset you

and they'll tell you what you want to hear,

and then you expect them to do something and then you think, well,

you didn't honor what you said. Well, ideally people will do that,

but you got to realize that anytime somebody's in a situation,

living in their values,

and they say they're going to do something but between the time they said they

were going to do it and the time that it was to be done,

something else came up that was higher on their values that would give them more

of more benefit than drawback, they're going to go and decide to do that.

Every decision you make in life is based on what you believe will give the

greatest advantage over disadvantage at any moment in time.

I had a situation where I was asked to go and do a presentation in London.

And there was about 200 people signed up for it and it was about two weeks or so

away.

And we scheduled it about two weeks earlier and all of a sudden I called

the guy because I got a telephone call asking if I could go on the Larry King

live show in Los Angeles on the same time I was to be in London to do this talk.

So I thought, Hmm,

I really don't want to pass up the idea of going on Larry King,

that's 99 million people I want to reach, and this is 200 people.

And I'd rather upset these people than upset that and the opportunities that

this brings. So I called the guy up and I said, listen, I've got a deal here,

something's come up. I know I've made a commitment to do that.

And I want to make sure that we find a win-win out of this,

but I've got an opportunity to go on Larry King live now,

if I was to do that show and we postpone that for a week and I came next week

and you notified everybody that will be live on the show,

could that increase the numbers of people that actually come to the program that

you're promoting? He said, it could. I said, here's the deal,

whatever you owe me for this program for me to come in and speak and whatever

the difference is on the flights and everything else.

If for some reason we do it a week from now,

and it's less now we'll work out a deal where it's fair.

But if for some reason more people come because I do the show,

then we'll split the upside of that, just like we'll do the downside. He said,

well, that sounds fair. So I tried to find a way where we win, win out of it.

I did the show, we had more people. We had about 400 people there.

And as a result of it, we both won out of it.

But my objective was not to turn him, you know,

go against what I agreed to. But if I have an opportunity,

that's a greater opportunity, I'd like to take advantage of that opportunity.

And so anytime you expect somebody to do something that they say they're going

to do,

just know that they live in a set of values and they may have found out that

their child just ended up in the hospital or they may have found out their

mother just had cancer.

They may have just found out there was a car accident or trying to save a life.

Anything that's going to be higher on their values in that moment to do they're

going to make a decision based on that moment. So if you understand that,

that you're actually only expecting them to live in their values,

not necessarily what they even say,

because sometimes they can say something and something greater comes along

that's more important to them or more desperate for them and so,

they're going to make a difference

and all of a sudden change that decision they're doing and let you down.

So you're basically dealing with this all day long and everybody's facing these

decisions at all times.

And although we have an intention of living up to our word,

we may have situations that are different. They're unexpected.

We didn't foresee when we made the statement we'll do that.

So just know that people live according to their values.

They don't live according to yours.

And if they do something that is changed from what they said they're going to

do, instead of just judging them and being harsh on them,

find out what it is that made them make the change in the decision.

And if you do, you'll have less anger, you'll have less physiological symptoms.

But anger is a feedback mechanism to give you a feedback, to let you know that,

Hey,

I have an expectation for somebody to live outside their values or one sided.

If you expected your spouse to be always kind, never cruel, always nice,

never mean, there's no way that's going to happen.

Because anytime you support their values, they'd be nice as a pussycat,

every time you challenge their values, going to mean as a tiger.

Human beings are both sided. I'm not a nice person. I'm not a mean person.

I'm a human being an individual with both sides.

If all of a sudden they say, well, sorry,

even though you have a first class ticket and you've got thousands of miles on

our airline,

somehow we've done an oversight and you missed your ,you're going to miss your

flight because we don't have any seats.

I'm not going to sit there and go into a Zen mode and go,

om probably I'm probably going to ask questions and get a little assertive and

try to hold them accountable. And so,

because I'm now having an expectation to live by what they say.

So I'm not a nice person. I can be mean.

I can be mean or nice depending on whether it challenges or supports my values.

So can everybody else.

So just realize that people live according to their values.

They're making decisions at any moment,

according to what they believe will give them the greatest advantage over

disadvantage. They're perceiving, deciding,

and acting according to those values. If you don't know what those values are,

you're vulnerable to having unrealistic expectations.

You're also vulnerable if you have unrealistic

sided more than the other,

moral hypocrisies about how people are supposed to be,

do not face the truth about how human beings really function.

So I'm not interested in the ideals.

I'm interested in who they are and what their values are and understand that if

they've done something that's not matching what I expect,

that they agreed to do,

it's probably because something greater came up that was more important to them

than what I was offering them in that time.

Anytime you want somebody to live up to their expectation and tell you the truth

and live up to it,

just know that your responsibility to give them a value in doing so greater

than the options that might come along.

As long as you give them a great value in doing it,

then they're probably going to be there.

But just know that anytime you have an unrealistic expectation on another human

being, that's unmet, you're going to probably have a reaction of anger.

The anger is a feedback to give you an understanding of how to set realistic

expectations according to people's values,

including on yourself and your loved ones.

Once you do that and you own the responsibility for that,

you're less likely to have to have a physiological fight or flight response and

create illness, chronic anger that stays and resentful. You know,

I teach the Breakthrough Experience program,

which is a thing I've done for 34 years almost.

I have people every single weekend that are resentful and upset and angry about

something in their family, their mother wasn't there for them,

their father was this, and their spouse did this, their husband did this,

they have all these expectations.

It boils down to an unrealistic expectation on all those

In the Breakthrough Experience I developed the Demartini Method on how to

dissolve that, how to clear that,

how to release that biological tension and that stress responses.

So you're not sitting there creating in your subconscious mind,

a whole bunch of anger that's just festering inside causing illness inside.

Your illness is a feedback to let you know that you've storing up a bunch of

subconsciously stored emotions that are usually because of these unrealistic

expectations. When we get grounded about how human beings really function,

we don't have as many unrealistic expectations and

works wonders. That's what I teach people in the Breakthrough Experience,

how to dissolve all that and then how to have realistic expectations,

how to determine people's values, how to set real expectations accordingly,

and allow to love your life again.

Cause there's no reason why you have to beat yourself up,

beat other people up because of these unrealistic expectations. Now,

if somebody agrees to do something and they don't do it, again,

stop instead of reacting,

find out what came up that was more important than what they said they

were going to do. Like I said, if all of a sudden I was to ask my girlfriend,

would you like to go and do something, go to a quantum physics seminar,

and somebody else has offered her the opportunity to go to the spa.

She's going to take the spa. Or if she said, well,

I'll do the quantum physics seminar, and somebody came along and said, Hey,

there's a spa opportunity and a discount on sales somewhere,

she's going to in her value system's going to go that direction.

And I can expect that. So just realize,

put your expectations according to what people really value in the hierarchy of

their values. And when you do,

you'll appreciate people for who they are and then they're going to,

you're going to love them for who they are, and not who they're supposed to be.

And in the process of doing it,

you'll have less anger and you will have less physiological health problems.

And you'll appreciate it.

Because a lot of anger that's stored causes hypertension and causes diabetic

responses and many other factors that affect hormones and transmitters.

But I just wanted to go through that and talk about anger of it today because

there's no reason why you have to sit there and harbor on it.

We've got the Demartini Method in the Breakthrough Experience to dissolve it.

And so if there's anybody here that's got something that they've been festering

about, blaming some parent wasn't there,

blaming some parent that was aggressive or some spouse that did this,

or somebody had an affair, I don't care what the source of it is,

whatever that source is, if you'd like to dissolve it,

I can show you a science on how to dissolve it so you can start fresh again,

rebuild whatever relationship you want,

set realistic expectations and transform your physiology and psychology.

So if there's something you would like to do and clear that,

then come and join me for the Breakthrough Experience.

The Breakthrough Experience is something that I've been doing like I said,

1,153 times around the world.

And it's an amazing program that I know can make a difference in your life.

So if you'd like to not live with as much anger you have now access to

the Breakthrough Experience.

And if you want to master your life and master your mind,

then the Breakthrough Experience will help you. That'll give you some insights,

and join me for the Breakthrough Experience and let me

the anger that you might be carrying around unnecessarily.

And you may think it's justified, but it's not. Look, you're the one that's,

nobody's going to be affected by the anger really but you.

You're the one that's going to be storing it.

You're the one that's going to have a physiological effect on it.

And it's absolutely dissolvable.

I haven't seen too many angers that have come in to my Breakthrough Experience

that we haven't been able to dissolve.

The only reason they wouldn't do it is because they just refused to give it up.

They just want to hold onto it.

And I've got series of questions in the Breakthrough Experience,

the Demartini Method on how to dissolve it.

And if you answer those question it's over with, and it clears your physiology,

you feel lighter and your health returns.

Just come to the Breakthrough Experience.

What you're going to learn there is gold.

And if you want to dissolve some of the baggage that you got,

so you can refresh your relationships, spouses, kids, loved ones, family,

whoever it is, come to the Breakthrough Experience.

Let me help you transform your life and get back on track,

set realistic expectations so you can be fulfilled and grateful in life. Anyway,

that's my presentation for today. I look forward to seeing you next week,

but join me at the Breakthrough Experience because I can make a difference in