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The Impact of Anger - The Demartini Show
Episode 15918th November 2022 • The Demartini Show • Dr John Demartini
00:00:00 00:26:11

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Have you ever felt really, really angry? Did you notice any physical reaction to your spike in anger? If you’re holding onto long-term polarized emotions, it could be leading you away from wellness-promoting homeostasis and onto illness or disease. Join Dr John Demartini and discover the impact that anger and resentment can have on your life.

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Transcripts

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Every behavior that you have serves some purpose.

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And when you're having the ABCDs of negativity, that's not a bad thing.

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It's trying to let you know that you have unrealistic expectation.

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I'll be willing to bet that everybody who's maybe listening to this,

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you're probably having moments in your life where you get pretty angry.

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I've certainly had my share.

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And the impact of it is pretty profound.

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But first let me talk about why it's there and what source it coming from and

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how it comes about,

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and then maybe what it does to the physiology if it stays there.

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First of all, every human being lives by a set of priorities,

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set of values, things that are most least important in their life.

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And that includes you and includes everyone that

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from children to spouse, to friends, to colleagues, to customers, you name it.

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And in that hierarchy values that each individual has,

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whatever's top on that value list is what they're inspired to fulfill most.

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Their ontological identity, who they think they are revolves around it.

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Their primary objective mission or purpose in life revolves around it.

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And their epistemological pursuit,

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what they want to learn and what they want to become greatest at,

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revolves around it, that highest value.

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So anything that assists us in fulfilling that is

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inspiring to us.

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If somebody comes along and does something that challenges

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that, or we perceive is interfering with that,

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we tend to want to plow through that and get past that because it's,

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it's interfering with what we value, what we want in life, who we are.

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And if somebody comes along and supports it, then we tend to open up to them.

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We tend to close down to people that challenge it.

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We tend to open up to people that support it.

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So every human being has a unique set of priorities, set of values,

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and the highest one is unique.

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So no two people have the same set of priorities and values and it's

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fingerprints specific.

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So everybody you're interacting with is either going to be similar or different,

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more supportive or challenging, probably friend or foe,

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and people you like or dislike.

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And there are people out there that completely have

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than you, they opposite of you.

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And very commonly you go find them and marry them ,

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that's the funny part. But

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whatever it is that is highest on your values that you want to fulfill in life,

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as you go down, all the values become more extrinsic.

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And as you go up more intrinsic.

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Intrinsic means you're spontaneously inspired from within to fulfill it.

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And extrinsic means you need to be motivated to do it,

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if it's low on your values. So low,

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you need to be reminded and motivated and incentivized to do it.

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Because of this, anytime you expect yourself

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to live outside that hierarchy of values,

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that set of priorities that you live by,

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anytime you expect yourself to live outside that value,

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you're going to tend to defeat yourself.

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You're going to tend to beat yourself up. You'll tend to procrastinate,

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hesitate, and frustrate doing those things,

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because anything that's low on your values, you procrastinate,

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hesitate and frustrate doing. Anything that's high on your values,

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you're disciplined, reliable and focused doing.

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So anytime you expect yourself to do something other than what's really most

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important to you, highest on your value,

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you're going to let yourself down and you're going to self depreciate and you're

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going to feel like you're letting yourself down and you're going to feel like

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you know, I'm not, you're self depreciate. That's the way I describe it,

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self depreciation. And you're going to feel like you're letting yourself down.

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You're not living up to expectation.

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So any time you expect yourself to live outside what you value most

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you're going to end up being angry at yourself.

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And anytime you expect yourself to live according to your highest values,

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you're going to be reliant. You're going to be disciplined,

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reliable and focused, you'll get things done.

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And you'll be appreciative of yourself.

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So anytime you set goals that are aligned with your highest values,

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you appreciate. Anytime you put it lower on your values, you depreciate.

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Now that also occurs for other people.

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So any human being that you interact with, spouse, kids, whatever,

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anytime you expect them to live outside their highest values,

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they're going to let you down. They're not really betraying you.

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You're betraying you because you're expecting them to do something they're not

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going to do. Every time they perceive, decide and act,

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It's based on what they value most.

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And every decision they make is based on what they believe will give them the

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greatest advantage over disadvantage at any moment.

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So anytime you expect a human being to live outside what they value most,

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you're going to be let down. You're going to feel frustrated,

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because they're not going to be doing what you expect. Now,

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they're not wrong for being who they are,

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but you may be unwise expecting them to be something they're not.

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Because their identity revolves around the highest values and that's who they

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are, that's their decisions, and that's what you can rely.

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You can rely on me to be teaching, researching, and writing,

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but you can't rely on me to be socializing and drinking and partying and doing

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other things because that's just not my value.

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So anytime you expect me to do that, I'm going to let you down.

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And anytime you expect another human being to live in your values or live

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outside their values, you're going to have anger and aggression.

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You're going to want to blame them and feel betrayed.

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You're going to want to criticize them and challenge them back.

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You're going to feel, you know, depressed and despaired.

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You're going to want to exit and escape them probably.

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You're going to feel frustrated and futile, grouchy and grieving,

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hate them and hurt them. And you're going to want to be, you know,

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irritable and irrational around them,

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because you're expecting them to be living outside what they value most.

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So anytime you expect them to live outside their values,

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you're going to have that.

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And anytime you expect yourself to live outside your own values,

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you're going to have it towards yourself.

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So you're going to be angry to others or angry at yourself if you expect you to

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live outside your values or them outside theirs.

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Also no human being is one-sided in life.

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So anytime you expect someone to be one-sided individual; nice, never mean,

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kind, never cruel, positive, never negative, peaceful,

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never taking, anytime you expect them to be one-sided, again,

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you're setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations.

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Anger means unmet expectation. And if your expectations are unrealistic,

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well you're going to be angry because they're not going to meet those

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unrealistic expectations.

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So anytime you expect others to be one sided or expect yourself to be one sided,

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you're going to be angry at them or yourself.

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You're going to have what I call the ABCDs of negativity towards them or towards

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yourself. So let's rephrase that.

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Anytime you expect them to live in your values,

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anytime you expect them to be one sided, you're going to end up with the anger,

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because you're having an unrealistic expectation that's going to be on that.

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Anytime you expect yourself to be one sided or expect yourself to live outside

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your own highest values, again, you're going to be angry at yourself.

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So I'm going to make sure you get this,

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that your anger towards the others or you is a feedback mechanism to let you

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know you have unrealistic expectations.

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So blaming somebody for not living up to your unrealistic expectations is

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delusional.

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The only thing you can expect a human being to do is to live according to their

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own values. Now, if you don't know what their values are, well,

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and you don't know your own values, well,

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you're going to live with all kind of unrealistic expectations probably.

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That's why I have on my website the Value Determination process.

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Please go to drdemartini.com go and take 30 minutes of your time,

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go through 13 questions to take a look at what you really value, and what,

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maybe a friend can do the same, and find out what they really value.

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If you discover what it is, now you know what to expect.

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When you have realistic expectations for people to do whatever they think will

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be fulfilling to their highest values, you're not likely to get angry.

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And when you get angry, you create, again, physiological feedback.

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Because now you have an expectation that's unmet,

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that activates the sympathetic nervous system,

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causes a fight or flight response, you get angry,

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you want to fight with them or want to avoid them, fight or flight.

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And you tend to want to challenge them and criticize.

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them and all the behaviors I just mentioned,

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and now you're sitting around doing that and what that does is raises blood

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sugar so you increase your hyper things. It lowers your insulin.

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It raises your glucagon. It makes you ready for fight or flight.

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It moves your blood from the internal gut out into the periphery,

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your muscles get tense and tight. Your jaw gets tight. Your eyes get red.

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Your digestive system shuts down,

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your bowels shut down, your intestines and digestive system shut down.

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All the sympathetic responses that go on, for fight or flight,

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your testosterone goes up, you get more aggressive.

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Your muscular turf is tightened up. I mean,

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you have vasoconstriction and vasodilation and different organs,

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your physiology is letting you know that you have an unrealistic

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expectation.

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Anger is a feedback mechanism to let you know that you're expecting somebody

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live outside their values or one-sided,

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or expecting yourself to live outside your values or one-sided,

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or expecting a group of people or collective society to be one-sided or live

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outside its individual values. Anytime you have those unrealistic expectations,

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well, anger is your friend.

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Anger's not a bad thing.

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I mean it's amazing how we've labeled certain behaviors good and others bad.

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I think that whole thing is antiquated.

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Every behavior that you have serves some purpose.

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And when you're having the ABCDs of negativity, that's not a bad thing.

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It's trying to let you know that you have unrealistic expectations.

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I've said when you're depressed and you're angry and depressed,

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it's because you're comparing your current reality to some fantasy or

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unrealistic expectation you're having. As long as you have that,

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that's not a bad thing to have anger. It's letting you know, Hey,

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you got an unrealistic expectation.

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You're expecting that individual to be living one sided or in your values

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or outside their values. You know,

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I have people come up to me and they expect me to be doing something that's not

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important to me.

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And when they do and they project self righteously those values onto me and I

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don't live up to it, they're angry and I'm going, I'm just being me,

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but you're projecting an expectation on me to be somebody who I'm not.

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And so if I do, their self righteous projection of their values onto me,

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expecting me to live in their values or do what they want me to do or be one

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sided, well, then they're going to be angry.

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I can't control their perceptions and their expectations and their reactions,

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but I'm not the source of it necessarily.

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Now if I do something and put expectations on them and unrealistic,

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and they can get frustrated by that,

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now I'm creating my own reality because now I'm putting an unrealistic

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expectation on. Now I'm angry and they're angry.

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And you can imagine going all over the world,

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going with all these different people in your life and having unrealistic

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expectations. Now everybody's angry ,and they're all under sympathetic response.

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And then they have this cardiovascular hypertension and they have diabetes

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and they have strokes and all the things that go along with chronic

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unrealistic expectations and angers.

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So my main objectives today is to make you realize that, Hey,

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your anger is under your governance. ,

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it's nothing what happens to you out there. It's what you perceive and expect.

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And if you expect something that's not realistic, well, you're going to,

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you're going to be angry. You know,

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if I go into a restaurant and I order something and I have an expectation

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based on what's on the menu and they don't deliver what's on the menu,

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when I've ordered something on the menu and that the person didn't listen to my

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order, even though I've written it down and handed it to them or something,

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well, then I might have a realistic expectation for them to do that.

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But if they,

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if I'm expecting to live outside their own values and I expect them to do

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something that's unrealistic, well,

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then I have to be accountable for my own reality.

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But sometimes we have these ideas. People say they're going to do something,

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but I found out a long time ago, I don't go by what people say,

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I go by what their values are because sometimes people don't want to upset you

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and they'll tell you what you want to hear,

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and then you expect them to do something and then you think, well,

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you didn't honor what you said. Well, ideally people will do that,

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but you got to realize that anytime somebody's in a situation,

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living in their values,

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and they say they're going to do something but between the time they said they

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were going to do it and the time that it was to be done,

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something else came up that was higher on their values that would give them more

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of more benefit than drawback, they're going to go and decide to do that.

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Every decision you make in life is based on what you believe will give the

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greatest advantage over disadvantage at any moment in time.

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I had a situation where I was asked to go and do a presentation in London.

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And there was about 200 people signed up for it and it was about two weeks or so

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away.

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And we scheduled it about two weeks earlier and all of a sudden I called

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the guy because I got a telephone call asking if I could go on the Larry King

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live show in Los Angeles on the same time I was to be in London to do this talk.

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So I thought, Hmm,

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I really don't want to pass up the idea of going on Larry King,

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that's 99 million people I want to reach, and this is 200 people.

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And I'd rather upset these people than upset that and the opportunities that

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this brings. So I called the guy up and I said, listen, I've got a deal here,

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something's come up. I know I've made a commitment to do that.

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And I want to make sure that we find a win-win out of this,

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but I've got an opportunity to go on Larry King live now,

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if I was to do that show and we postpone that for a week and I came next week

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and you notified everybody that will be live on the show,

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could that increase the numbers of people that actually come to the program that

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you're promoting? He said, it could. I said, here's the deal,

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whatever you owe me for this program for me to come in and speak and whatever

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the difference is on the flights and everything else.

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If for some reason we do it a week from now,

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and it's less now we'll work out a deal where it's fair.

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But if for some reason more people come because I do the show,

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then we'll split the upside of that, just like we'll do the downside. He said,

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well, that sounds fair. So I tried to find a way where we win, win out of it.

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I did the show, we had more people. We had about 400 people there.

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And as a result of it, we both won out of it.

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But my objective was not to turn him, you know,

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go against what I agreed to. But if I have an opportunity,

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that's a greater opportunity, I'd like to take advantage of that opportunity.

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And so anytime you expect somebody to do something that they say they're going

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to do,

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just know that they live in a set of values and they may have found out that

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their child just ended up in the hospital or they may have found out their

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mother just had cancer.

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They may have just found out there was a car accident or trying to save a life.

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Anything that's going to be higher on their values in that moment to do they're

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going to make a decision based on that moment. So if you understand that,

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that you're actually only expecting them to live in their values,

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not necessarily what they even say,

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because sometimes they can say something and something greater comes along

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that's more important to them or more desperate for them and so,

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they're going to make a difference

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and all of a sudden change that decision they're doing and let you down.

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So you're basically dealing with this all day long and everybody's facing these

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decisions at all times.

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And although we have an intention of living up to our word,

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we may have situations that are different. They're unexpected.

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We didn't foresee when we made the statement we'll do that.

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So just know that people live according to their values.

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They don't live according to yours.

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And if they do something that is changed from what they said they're going to

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do, instead of just judging them and being harsh on them,

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find out what it is that made them make the change in the decision.

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And if you do, you'll have less anger, you'll have less physiological symptoms.

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But anger is a feedback mechanism to give you a feedback, to let you know that,

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Hey,

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I have an expectation for somebody to live outside their values or one sided.

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If you expected your spouse to be always kind, never cruel, always nice,

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never mean, there's no way that's going to happen.

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Because anytime you support their values, they'd be nice as a pussycat,

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every time you challenge their values, going to mean as a tiger.

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Human beings are both sided. I'm not a nice person. I'm not a mean person.

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I'm a human being an individual with both sides.

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If all of a sudden they say, well, sorry,

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even though you have a first class ticket and you've got thousands of miles on

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our airline,

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somehow we've done an oversight and you missed your ,you're going to miss your

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flight because we don't have any seats.

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I'm not going to sit there and go into a Zen mode and go,

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om probably I'm probably going to ask questions and get a little assertive and

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try to hold them accountable. And so,

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because I'm now having an expectation to live by what they say.

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So I'm not a nice person. I can be mean.

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I can be mean or nice depending on whether it challenges or supports my values.

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So can everybody else.

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So just realize that people live according to their values.

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They're making decisions at any moment,

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according to what they believe will give them the greatest advantage over

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disadvantage. They're perceiving, deciding,

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and acting according to those values. If you don't know what those values are,

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you're vulnerable to having unrealistic expectations.

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You're also vulnerable if you have unrealistic

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sided more than the other,

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moral hypocrisies about how people are supposed to be,

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do not face the truth about how human beings really function.

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So I'm not interested in the ideals.

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I'm interested in who they are and what their values are and understand that if

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they've done something that's not matching what I expect,

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that they agreed to do,

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it's probably because something greater came up that was more important to them

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than what I was offering them in that time.

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Anytime you want somebody to live up to their expectation and tell you the truth

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and live up to it,

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just know that your responsibility to give them a value in doing so greater

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than the options that might come along.

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As long as you give them a great value in doing it,

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then they're probably going to be there.

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But just know that anytime you have an unrealistic expectation on another human

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being, that's unmet, you're going to probably have a reaction of anger.

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The anger is a feedback to give you an understanding of how to set realistic

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expectations according to people's values,

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including on yourself and your loved ones.

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Once you do that and you own the responsibility for that,

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you're less likely to have to have a physiological fight or flight response and

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create illness, chronic anger that stays and resentful. You know,

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I teach the Breakthrough Experience program,

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which is a thing I've done for 34 years almost.

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I have people every single weekend that are resentful and upset and angry about

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something in their family, their mother wasn't there for them,

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their father was this, and their spouse did this, their husband did this,

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they have all these expectations.

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It boils down to an unrealistic expectation on all those

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In the Breakthrough Experience I developed the Demartini Method on how to

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dissolve that, how to clear that,

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how to release that biological tension and that stress responses.

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So you're not sitting there creating in your subconscious mind,

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a whole bunch of anger that's just festering inside causing illness inside.

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Your illness is a feedback to let you know that you've storing up a bunch of

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subconsciously stored emotions that are usually because of these unrealistic

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expectations. When we get grounded about how human beings really function,

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we don't have as many unrealistic expectations and

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works wonders. That's what I teach people in the Breakthrough Experience,

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how to dissolve all that and then how to have realistic expectations,

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how to determine people's values, how to set real expectations accordingly,

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and allow to love your life again.

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Cause there's no reason why you have to beat yourself up,

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beat other people up because of these unrealistic expectations. Now,

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if somebody agrees to do something and they don't do it, again,

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stop instead of reacting,

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find out what came up that was more important than what they said they

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were going to do. Like I said, if all of a sudden I was to ask my girlfriend,

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would you like to go and do something, go to a quantum physics seminar,

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and somebody else has offered her the opportunity to go to the spa.

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She's going to take the spa. Or if she said, well,

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I'll do the quantum physics seminar, and somebody came along and said, Hey,

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there's a spa opportunity and a discount on sales somewhere,

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she's going to in her value system's going to go that direction.

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And I can expect that. So just realize,

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put your expectations according to what people really value in the hierarchy of

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their values. And when you do,

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you'll appreciate people for who they are and then they're going to,

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you're going to love them for who they are, and not who they're supposed to be.

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And in the process of doing it,

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you'll have less anger and you will have less physiological health problems.

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And you'll appreciate it.

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Because a lot of anger that's stored causes hypertension and causes diabetic

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responses and many other factors that affect hormones and transmitters.

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But I just wanted to go through that and talk about anger of it today because

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there's no reason why you have to sit there and harbor on it.

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We've got the Demartini Method in the Breakthrough Experience to dissolve it.

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And so if there's anybody here that's got something that they've been festering

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about, blaming some parent wasn't there,

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blaming some parent that was aggressive or some spouse that did this,

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or somebody had an affair, I don't care what the source of it is,

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whatever that source is, if you'd like to dissolve it,

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I can show you a science on how to dissolve it so you can start fresh again,

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rebuild whatever relationship you want,

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set realistic expectations and transform your physiology and psychology.

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So if there's something you would like to do and clear that,

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then come and join me for the Breakthrough Experience.

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The Breakthrough Experience is something that I've been doing like I said,

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1,153 times around the world.

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And it's an amazing program that I know can make a difference in your life.

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So if you'd like to not live with as much anger you have now access to

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the Breakthrough Experience.

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And if you want to master your life and master your mind,

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then the Breakthrough Experience will help you. That'll give you some insights,

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and join me for the Breakthrough Experience and let me

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the anger that you might be carrying around unnecessarily.

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And you may think it's justified, but it's not. Look, you're the one that's,

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nobody's going to be affected by the anger really but you.

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You're the one that's going to be storing it.

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You're the one that's going to have a physiological effect on it.

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And it's absolutely dissolvable.

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I haven't seen too many angers that have come in to my Breakthrough Experience

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that we haven't been able to dissolve.

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The only reason they wouldn't do it is because they just refused to give it up.

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They just want to hold onto it.

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And I've got series of questions in the Breakthrough Experience,

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the Demartini Method on how to dissolve it.

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And if you answer those question it's over with, and it clears your physiology,

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you feel lighter and your health returns.

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Just come to the Breakthrough Experience.

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What you're going to learn there is gold.

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And if you want to dissolve some of the baggage that you got,

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so you can refresh your relationships, spouses, kids, loved ones, family,

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whoever it is, come to the Breakthrough Experience.

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Let me help you transform your life and get back on track,

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set realistic expectations so you can be fulfilled and grateful in life. Anyway,

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that's my presentation for today. I look forward to seeing you next week,

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but join me at the Breakthrough Experience because I can make a difference in