Alisa describes her life as the child of Latvian refugees who escaped the brutality and destruction of World War II. They raised Alisa in the ways of their heritage and while she identifies with her community and her upbringing, she admits she struggled with being an imposter. In reunion, her birth parents had an odd request for her that I’ve never heard before, and that she wasn’t comfortable fulfilling. Over time she began to feel like a disappointment to them. Thankfully, in the middle of it all, Alisa was able to express her love and gratitude to her adopted father before losing him suddenly.
Read Full TranscriptAlisa: 00:05 I told him before he died and I didn’t know he was gonna die. Said, you are the only dad has ever had. You’re my dad I loved him and I really am glad I said that because he died of a sudden heart attack about a month later. I was really, really fortunate that I was able to say that you did make me rethink, you know, the importance of letting people know how much you care about them. She never know what will be your last chance.
Voices: 00:35 Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
Damon: 00:47 This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis, and on today’s show is Alisa. She spoke with me from Lincoln, Nebraska. Alisa described her life as the child of refugees from the brutality and destruction of World War II. They raised Alisa in the ways of their heritage and while she identifies with their community and her upbringing, she admits she struggled with being an imposter in reunion her birthparents had an odd request for her that I’ve never heard before and that she wasn’t comfortable fulfilling. Over time, she began to feel like a disappointment to them. Thankfully in the middle of it all, Alisa was able to express her love and gratitude to her adopted father before losing him. Suddenly, this is Alisa’s journey. Alisa was adopted by Latvian parents lot via is a small country on the Baltic Sea, opposite of the famously neutral country of Sweden and west of the notorious Russia in the 1940s Latvia by force under Soviet control and hundreds of thousands of people fled to other countries. Alisa’s parents among them.
Alisa: 02:08 They flooded in different ways. And then she wound up in the camps in Germany, um, shortly after that until it was freed and they came over in 1950 on the other hand, was quite wealthy after he watched his dad’s twin brother get shot down by Russians right in front of him. They buried all their silver, like most Latvians did, hoping that they would turn back some day and ran and they sold watches off to their bodies, did whatever they could work, odd jobs throughout different places in Europe and until they wound up in the camps for the last year before it was freed.
Damon: 02:50 Oh my gosh. What a hard way to start life.
Alisa: 02:54 Yeah, so I don’t fault them for everything they could have done better but
Damon: 03:00 yeah, yeah.
Alisa: 03:01 They didn’t have an easy start either. So that being said, being adopted by them and being raised in a Latvian community with a fairly large Latvian community I always kind of felt like an outsider and like a fraud because my first language was Latvian.
Damon: 03:17 You felt like a fraud community or in the United States speaking Latvian.
Alisa: 03:23 That’s an interesting question because it kind of has multiple levels as far as that goes because it’s strange anyway. Being a refugee, you never quite fit in. I mean, that’s what’s been so interesting with my, my adoptive parents as I understand that some of what they feel and what they felt in their lives being my dad when he died, he was the last living relative and his family, they were all pretty much killed during World War II. His parents made it over here with them, but they died before I was born. So, you know, the, my dad and I definitely had a close relationship because he understood some of what I was going through and I understood sort of, you know, what he was going through that, um, as far as being a fraud in the community. Yeah. When you’re hanging out with growing up with all these kids that are all fluent in Latvian and doing all the Latvian summer camps and their families are all just. They’re all happy families. And I not only work, not Latvian, even though I was raised Latvian, I also hadn’t talked to her brother who was a handful and he was also adopted and had alcohol, fetal alcohol syndrome, and he was very violent and caused a lot of problems. So we kind of stuck out like a sore from for, you know, for a number of reasons.
Damon: 04:49 Yeah, because it sounds like what you’re saying is he was troublesome both in the household and in the community and therefore your family took out because of his behavior.
Alisa: 04:59 We actually stopped going to social things because of some comments that have been made about my brother and made my mom uncomfortable so she didn’t want to go anymore. So we’re kind of removed from it later on when I was maybe around 10. So I was already being withdrawn out of a community that I thought was mine that even so still is somewhat of a fraud in just so many layers on top of layers of different levels.
Damon: 05:26 So at 10 years old, Alisa’s family began to withdraw from the tight knit community because of the comments and perceptions of her adopted brothers behavior. I asked Alisa about how she identified with the Latvian culture as an adoptee because there was a good chance that wasn’t her actual heritage. She said she still identifies as Latvian to this day, engaging in online communities wearing traditional jewelry and buying the folk art. She grew up in the Lutheran church, which adds a layer of complexity to her journey because she married a Jewish man
Alisa: 06:00 That sort of further distance from the church, I think in some ways. Yeah, I can imagine both my kids Jewish, so let’s just see how many ways we can isolate onseself. I just thought about this. You know, I’m an adopted kid in Lincoln, Nebraska, adopted by two Latvian refugees. who’s decided to raise my kids Jewish and also be vegetarian.
Damon: 06:26 Yeah.
Alisa: 06:27 How many ways can we just make this complicated? I didn’t intend to do any of this
Damon: 06:32 for whatever reason. I was a little curious about how elise has also decided to be a vegetarian growing up in the Midwest She’s seen the treatment of the animals and finds the slaughterhouses disgusting. She be called a time when she was a teenager when her mother made a steak for dinner, Alisa cut into the meat, blood squirted out, and that sealed it for her vegetarianism from then on with some occasional pescatarian meals from time to time. I also wondered how Alisa’s parents made her feel comfortable and adoption, especially in light of her brother’s behavior as brought on by fetal alcohol syndrome. She said they didn’t talk about adoption much at all. As a matter of fact, her brother was so challenging for her parents. He drew their attention away from Alisa, leaving her to fend for herself. She remembers a story of her brother’s abuse when she was about seven years old
Alisa: 07:24 In most ways. I raised myself because they were so consumed and busy dealing with my brother who’s three years older than me. They thought I was able to take care of myself, so I pretty much did quite often to be honest, and when he would physically hurt me or something, they would go after him and knowing what he would even checkt to see, how I was, and I don’t think it was really an. It wasn’t an intentional. I didn’t know it was upset or being mean to me. They were more worried about his issues than mine.
Damon: 07:58 Wow, that’s fascinating. So how would he hurt you?
Alisa: 08:02 Oh, like um One example, he threw a big metal truck at one of those big trucks or whatever they are, those big metal bulldozers are some things you had in the sandbox. They were metal and big and heavy and he went it at my back and of course I screamed really loud and my mom ran out to see what was happening and she ripped my shirt off and tells me to lay on the picnic table and runs in and I hear yelling at my brother and no one ever came back out to see what I was doing and laying on the picnic table going, oh, finally I just got up off the picnic table and I’m wearing nothing but a great, And went up to my room and it was never talked about a do.
Damon: 08:46 Were they loving parents? Were they caring parents?
Alisa: 08:49 I think, um, I think that they did their best. I think they really tried. I know my mom wanted a big family. She wanted everything to be okay and block out before, living in the camp for seven years and that’s where she grew up. My Dad on the other hand was very busy photo journalist traveling and when he was there, he was there. He and I had a great relationship, but he didn’t do a whole lot to raise me.
Damon:
