Shownotes
How do you create a relationship that works for both sides?
A relationship that lasts because it makes both partners feel that they are better in the relationship than being single or with anyone else?
That's the question we addressed in this podcast.
Transcript
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips.
Okay, so the topic today is the built to last relationship, so they built last relationship for me is is a relationship where both parties in the relationship want to be in a relationship because they believe that it's going to make their life better than being alone or being with anyone else.
So. So the question is, how do we build that? So what we're going to do, we're going to go into breakout rooms and the question I'm just going to share. So the question is more like heated discussion in discussion groups, is the last relationship that you were in or the most significant relationship that you've been in, what happened to Britney care and what was what was missing? Feel comfortable with it is to as briefly as you can, right in the chat box.
What you think was the cause of your breakup or what was missing in your last relationship. But if you can not put anything that you personally identify anyone and what I want, I'll have a look at that and we'll have a look at here. But also, I'd like to kind of break down what the reasons were and sort of look at them in dynamics as in what can we do in the future.
So you just probably just want the reasons for the breakup, you wanting us to write down. Why did what I think was missing? Yes.
So so what caused the breakup? Was it like it could be incompatible, grown apart? It could be infidelity. It could be whatever the reasons are. And yet what or what was missing. OK, so we've got mismatched values, lack of honesty, lack of communication, maturity, lack of excitement, intimacy and humor, help poor communication. OK, so communication is a big. Excitement. I'm going to class personal foundations like emotional communication, compatibility or infidelity.
Okay, is there anyone who who wants to talk about what they talked about in their group? I will. So who's who is this ahead of us? That's going to to.
And I'm trying remember, I think there was two parts to the question I just on. One of the things is like lack of flexibility. So, you know, where these things should things should in between 60, 40, 50, 50, in some instances, things were going 80, 80, 20, that that's what that person expects or wants. And if they don't get what they want, they'll use a number of things like jealousy. And when things weren't going, how they expected and then met on Facebook, I knew will bother me.
I guess it's kind of like playing games, games, games. Yeah, I'm not saying all the time give the woman some credit, but I saw that that was a mutual mate, used to like our common interest and she accepted his friend request, kind of commented on it and she just went, yeah, stay that way. It's still on and off. But you've got to weaken the way we make. You know, I'm not going to get up to anything, it's just booze and because she didn't like it, even though, you know, we're official within each other, we still communicating because she didn't like it said, well, I you don't know either that either of this bloke is a friend.
OK, and that's somebody just coming out and saying, trying to control me and get like, say, my gate. And there is no mind games because I was very close to a young son as well, very close at times. He wanted to spend time with me rather than his mom. I'm not calling her, but it was a little boy to play football and Darren won't play football with you. So she knew she had to. Up to where I was close, or she could use him to get my son.
So was it like that in the beginning or was that how it began?
That's how it became. Yeah, what that scale. I think more that whether she thought six months down the line, a year down the line, it still wasn't going down the route that she expected down that timeline. Then things started to change. The world might live together after 18 months, but I still expect you to stay over. But at one point, her son was getting into the bed every night, book punching and kicking and no violently as two and three year old boys would do, stretching out in the bed.
Then he went through a stage of wetting the bed. So I really want to spend my evening.
So what happened before? So what led to that?
So that was kind of an I don't know, just things probably not going like such a way that you can still see three days, those three days.
I'm just going to meet everyone. Yeah. I say, so he said, what led to that Dejour maybe that maybe just eventually you start to find out what their expectations are, what they see as, how they see how a relationship should be, or they look at other relationships. And if somebody spends six nights a week with their partner, so we start to find out what their expectations are, then you've got to people are probably or even three because there's a child involved.
Still, our feelings towards each other. So I don't know what some of it was, bitterness, so sometimes you might be sat in watching TV and I'm going off to the pub with your mates, but. Yeah, and I'm stuck here with a child, and I think some of them comments used to come out, a couple of friends that but that wasn't your commitment. It's not your son. If you want to see your mate one night a week, you shouldn't be better or angry towards you because she chose to.
That's nothing against any the females she chose.
She wanted to be OK. So, yeah. So so became better because there was a lack of clarity. There was expectations. She became upset and maybe there was like, you know, things just weren't as you would want them to be. And so there was that became the behaviours. Yeah, I think she likes it over opinions and. About, you know, there's a few times where she's talking five, not four or five nights a week.
She gets two nights free without a soul and both of them nights she spent with me. Was there any of any other examples because we're going to try and look at a few different. Examples that we can use. So can I go? Yes, sure. OK, so in our group, we had, I think, two examples that will be written for one of them was we felt was perhaps a couple growing apart and there being no communication between them until one of them drops the bombshell on the other one.
And perhaps but the issue was lack of communication again, but maybe they grew apart and the other one goes around again, maybe perhaps compatibility one partner and not finding the other one is interesting as they want it to be. And again, there appear to be no communication until more or less the last minute, shall we say, and one partner is ready to walk out on the other one. In a nutshell, I mean, I think with the details, if you want, but that's a good summary, A.
Yeah, OK, I said yes.
So basically so again, this is when the connection is kind of gone, is kind of gone without the communication. Yeah. So, you know, in both cases there appears to be no communication until the last minute.
Yeah. OK, so so the commonality there is, is that as we say, there is the expectation there was a communication in terms of knowing what they were expecting. They became bitternesses, excited, because I think the question originally was, how can you build something wrong in your relationship and so on? And I think that can be a very difficult question to answer of what went wrong. Yeah, because when millions of things can go wrong and the longer time you spend together, the more possibilities of things going wrong.
But it wasn't.
But of the question wasn't what went wrong. It was what was missing. Yeah. So that's kind of different because a lot of things can go wrong. But you know kind of what's missing, though, don't you?
Because in the back of your mind, there's that feeling of I like this person, but it isn't quite right, you know.
Yeah. And the communication wasn't there for in both cases. OK, yeah.
Yeah. So so it was what went wrong and then what was missing, which is the next kind of step.
I suppose today's is really about well a lack of clarity, lack of communication.
And that's when things start to go wrong or you're on your way out of it once things have gone wrong. Is there anyone else?
I, I could go, um. Can you hear me? Yeah, yes, yes. So in a while, I'll talk broadly about the group. So we we had three people that spoke and and again, there was lack of communication, long distance relationship one person had and then growing apart, two actually had long distance relationships and there was no intimacy in communication. It was just day to day mundane. But the actual fulfillment within, you know, emotional fulfillment, within communication maybe wasn't there.
And then personally, my latest relationship broke down because I think I didn't view him in a realistic way. I had kind of this romantic idea of who I thought he was and that wasn't him at all. And it became clear over. But it took a long time for the penny to drop for me.
Yeah. Which I'm ashamed about. But that's the truth of it.
Hmm. OK, so, Tony, look what's common to all of them. It's kind of like. It's when you lose the connection and when you lose the connection, you become aware that you can't communicate and you can't bridge that chasm is that seems to be OK. It's also about the quality of communication, I think, with something as well.
So you can be talking to each other quite a lot. Obviously, it's about the quality. It's about making sure that you know what that person still wants, I suppose, as well.
I'd say the once as well, because if you want different things, you can communicate until the cows come home as well as you possibly can communicate. But if one person's really sound, one part, one in one direction and another is not in another direction, that's, you know, how much communicate, you can't bridge that gap.
So, yes, so it's both being committed and to communicate on the same level and also one in the same things in life might one in the same direction and wanting the same things to make sense in terms of when you say wanting the same things.
I know this is this is a really sort of like generalized coin. Both say like one person's on like a self development path wanting to be part or the people, for example. And the other is just not for the Dibala. They're interested in money or whatever. For example, if you don't if you're not the same direction in life, your values. Yeah. To follow sort of the values, if you can't, you can communicate as much as possible.
And if you can't bridge that gap because of the different paths, does that make sense?
I think I'd agree with that. And I think I'd add to that sort of knowing what your emotional needs are and knowing what their emotional needs are. And if you're aware that your needs aren't being met or their needs are being met, and sometimes it goes both ways, you can you can know that you're feeling very lonely in a relationship. But it's not just communication. It's about can you actually provide that support to the person that you're with? Sometimes you can't you can't give and you can't really you're not feeling you're receiving either.
And then that can become very sort of that can start to sort of mushroom and become lots of, you know, kind of get worse, as it were, as it goes on.
And then the person lying. Yes, I farmers communicate and talk and we went to counseling or anything like that about what we can be communicating, but it's not going to be.
Yeah, I made a comment a few moments ago to