Your brain is programmed to see what's wrong because it's trying to protect you, so that's what it's always looking for. Your brain will spend all day searching and finding negative thoughts that create negative emotions just so you will go somewhere safe and hide. This is the opposite of self-confidence and I'll tell you how to turn it around in this episode.

I talked about my Spotify Playlist in which is specially curated to make you believe in yourself and to take massive action. LISTEN TO MY PLAYLIST HERE.

---

Elevate Your Leadership Visibility

**[FREE COURSE] The Visibility Blueprint:** Step into the spotlight on your own terms. Get my free 3-day email course featuring daily bite-sized lessons and worksheets to increase your authority without changing who you are: https://email.introvertedexecutive.com/visibility

**Join the Weekly Newsletter:** Receive actionable strategies, short weekly activities, and direct insights to continually improve your career and life. Subscribe Here: https://newsletter.introvertedexecutive.com/riseandshine

**Inside the Lab Membership (Coming January):** I'm building a brand new group coaching community designed for introverted leaders. Join the waitlist to secure early access and founding-member pricing when doors open. Join Here: https://coach.introvertedexecutive.com/

**Private 1:1 Coaching:** Are you ready for deep, personalized executive career coaching? Let’s ensure we are a perfect fit. Book a private 45-minute Discovery Call to discuss your goals and map out your path forward. Schedule a Strategic Visibility and Leadership Elevation call with me here: https://calendly.com/introvertedexecutive/strategic-visibility-call-1v1

**Leave a Review Here:**If something in this episode truly resonated with you... I have a little favor to ask: Please a review. Not for me, but for the next overlooked person who's about to scroll past this show, seven years into her career, wondering if there's a different way lead. If you take 30 seconds to leave a review (short, sweet and positive) it will make a huge difference in helping other people find the show. Thank you!! **CLICK HERE to Leave a review**

You can also follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/IntrovertedExecutive.

Transcript

When you are afraid of feeling your emotions, especially negative emotion, you will often miss out on opportunities that might move you forward in your biggest goal. When you avoid anything that has a risk of failure it will hold you back from improving and becoming the best version of you. So, I ask you – do you find yourself questioning your own ability or thinking you have to figure everything out ahead of time so you can do it perfectly? Do you spend all the time in your head, processing every outcome and step ahead of time before you dip your toe in the water and try something new? Have you been dreaming of something but feel like you’re not confident enough to move toward it just yet?

Be honest, you probably don’t spend a lot of time thinking highly of yourself. This is normal, our brains are programmed to see what’s wrong, because it is trying to protect us, so that’s what it’s always looking for. Your brain will spend all day searching and finding negative thoughts that create negative emotions just so you will go somewhere safe and hide. This is the opposite of self-confidence and I’ll tell you how to turn it around in this episode.

From around the time I turned 40 years old, the most beautiful thing happened. It is something I wish I could bottle and hand out to the 20 something ladies in my life. My self-confidence shot through the roof. I don’t think it’s only because I am older, but I think that is one part of it. The older you get, you begin to realize that people don’t really care what you are up to as much as you think they do – I know now that it is because they are mainly worried about themselves. So much so that they don’t have much time left to wonder what you are doing. What other people think is only part of it. Self-Confidence means simply to be secure in yourself and your abilities. The master life coach who certified me, Brooke Castillo, defines it as, “your ability to trust yourself. It’s knowing you can experience any emotion (including failure) without being harmed. And it’s your overall opinion of yourself.”

I really love her definition, because it is a lot clearer when you consider that when you are lacking self-confidence, it is something you think and feel that causes you to not want to try something new, to not apply for a job a little out of your reach, to stay in your safe quiet world – where you already know everything, where you can stay safe, warm and comfortable. When you are self-confident and you truly are willing “feel” any emotion, then you will also be willing to do bolder actions, because you won’t be afraid of being embarrassed, of failing, of what people will think or say, or of any other discomfort.

One of my best friends in my 20s and 30s, Don, was a supremely confident person – to the point it was uncomfortable at times. He was in the Navy with me, and we were the same rank. They thing is, he was so bold and did things I would never do in a million years. He would walk into restaurants and just start chatting with the waitress about life, food, the area, her hobbies – and as a result, we would end up with the best dinner. At work, he got to go places and do things that no one else got to do because he wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone and so everyone liked him. He was blackbelt in multiple martial arts. When he was traveling, he’d walk into a dojo and ask if he could train with them – so he would make new friends, train with different people, which only made him better. After a while, I realized that the more his confidence worked for him – the more confident he became. He literally wasn’t afraid of anything, it seemed. Onetime I asked him about it. Mainly because he was such a contrast to my personality in my 20s. He said, “What are they going to do to me?” Meaning – he had grown so confident in his ability to take care of himself either by his charismatic conversation, or if it came to it – his ability to manage a physical altercation – that he literally was not worried about anything ever and it came across in his every interaction. He was a really nice guy, not arrogant at all – he’d give his friends the shirt off his back. Yet – he also believed in himself 100%. I think from virtue of being friends with him for so long and all the adventures we’d go on and the experiences I had, that does have a lot to do with how I got to be so confident. There did come a point where I started to think – what are they going to do to me? (Maybe this was a work situation, for example, where I decided to jump in and take something on when no one else was doing anything about it.) I would hear people say to me – that is not your job, why are you doing that? I did feel uncomfortable when those things happened, but I also felt like I was right and I was willing to go ahead and feel uncomfortable and to let people talk about me. And considering where I am now – I am validated that I did the right thing – which only makes me more confident. Does that make sense? It is a spiral that builds upon itself over and over.

When I talk to you, for instance when I am talking to one of my clients, or when you reply to my newsletter and share your thoughts – no matter what else we talk about, inevitably, the desire to increase self-confidence is at the top of the list for things you want to feel more. So, today – I am going to share some thoughts about how you can manage your mind and feel things, even negative or uncomfortable things. Then, at the end I will give you some direct actions you can do to start building your self-confidence this week.

The key to feeling more self-confident is learning to trust yourself. Do you believe that no matter what happens that you can figure it out? Even if you have never done it before? Do you believe you can set a giant goal that that if you work hard enough at it that you will 100% achieve it? If this is you then you are probably more self-confident than you believe. If you don’t manage your own mind and let it run amok, so you feel out of control with your feelings and actions, where you mind is telling you all the reasons you will fail, why it will hurt, how you could be embarrassed or seen in a negative way by others – this will spiral into a result of less self-confidence. This is ok, it only makes you human. Still, as a result you will end up letting yourself down. If you do this consistently enough, you will undermine your ability to trust yourself and your ability to increase your self-confidence.

As I said earlier, when you are afraid of feeling your emotions, especially negative emotion, you will hide and avoid them. The result of this is that you will be scared to do anything that has the risk of failure. When you are afraid of failure, you will always question your ability because we

have to do it perfectly or we will feel that negative emotion. Our opinion of ourselves is very low. We don’t spend a lot of time thinking highly of ourselves. Our brains are programmed to see what’s wrong, so that’s what it’s always looking for. It finds negative thoughts that create

negative emotions. This is the opposite of self- confidence.

Increasing self-confidence comes from changing your thoughts about yourself. You can increase it by considering the possibility of what you can create in the future. The more certain you are of the possibility, the more confidence you will have moving toward it.

Self Confidence is:

• Willingness to take risks and get out of your comfort zone

• Standing up for yourself

• Sexy

• Assertiveness – deciding what you want and going after it in an authentically direct way.

• Saying NO when that is what you really want to say

• Believing that you can learn new things

• A growth mindset

Self Confidence is not:

• Arrogance – in fact, arrogance is born from lack of self-confidence. If people spend their energy pointing out how they are better than other people, they are likely insecure. A truly self-confident person does not need to point how they are better, they simply believe they are capable and they also believe that everyone else has special powers of their own. There is no need for competition.

• Fear of failure or disappointment

• Shrinking from new opportunities

Why you should try to increase your self confidence:

The more genuinely self-confident you are the more….

• Other people will see it and they will inherently believe in you too. It is as if you are showing them, teaching them how to treat you.

• People will see you as a leader. If you are interested in eventually being considered for senior roles at your organization, this is key. When people see you as a leader, this will be true no matter your title, and it will increase your abiity to influence others to your way of thinking – which will help you get more things done, which will increase the number of people who see you as a self-confident leader.

• You will feel happier more often

• Self-Confidence breeds positive energy – the more you have, the more actions you take, the more actions you take, the more energy you will have, and your self-confidence will grow.

Activity time – what are some actions you can take from now on to improve your self-confidence?

1. Clean up your negative self-talk and thoughts about yourself. You need to be relentless about this. When you think negative thoughts, you will drive feelings of fear, or unworthiness. When you feel that way – you will take actions that keep you safe and small. When you take safe, small actions – you will find tons of evidence to prove that you can’t do it, that you are too scared and unworthy. To clean up your thoughts, the first step is to notice the negative thoughts, and whenever possible, interrupt them with thoughts that serve you, thoughts that fuel you in to feeling more powerful and capable, and then going out into the world and taking actions that serve you. In this way, you will find evidence that you can learn new things, that you are a capable human, and those actions will result in more self-confidence.

2. Stand up tall, hold yourself strongly upright with excellent posture. Open your chest and Breathe life fully into your lungs. Do this often in the day, find a way to remind yourself to do it. This activity alone will reduce the number of negative thoughts you have and will have the added benefit that you will start to feel strong and confident.

3. Dress as who you want to be, the best version of yourself do this at work and at home. You know how you feel when you dress well, when you are at your best for a given situation. Make this the constant version of who you are.

4. Speak up… when you have something, you’re holding back in a meeting at work, especially if you are usually the quiet one, speak up! If you see someone and think they look beautiful, or if they did something that made you smile or made your day – let them know! How often do you think something positive and feel like it won’t matter, so you don’t say anything at all. Give complements out – at least 1 to 2 every day.

5. Smile… Genuinely smile. Go out into the world and appreciate your life, your contribution – and also appreciate the contribution of those around you. This about this appreciation and just smile. It will have the benefit of flooding you with positive thoughts and will also make you look as confident as you are starting to feel.

6. Talk about your future. I say it all the time, you were meant to do BIG things. You do have dreams and it is time for you to dream them. Not only dream them, but talk about them and let people know that you have an amazing plan for your life and you intend in making it happen. When you have this energy in the world, people will not be able to ignore you, you will shine to them and make them believe that if you have had this transformation, they can to. You will become an example of what is possible.

7. Surround yourself with positivity. What you read, what you watch on TV, podcasts or music you listen to, friends and co-workers, family in your life. Make it a point to spend maximum time surrounded by positive influences.

8. Generally make a point to feel and be awesome, whatever awesome is to you. Just be that.

9. Make a list of 10 really big things you have accomplished that you did not know how to do before you started.

10. Everyday this week, pick on thing that scares you and DO IT. Make it deliberate, plan it ahead of time if you can. Ideas: introduce yourself to a stranger in the coffeeshop and strike up a conversation, apply for a job you have been wanting to apply for, ask for a raise, wear something dressier, maybe even a little sexier than you normally would, give a complement to someone who you admire, but have never been brave enough to talk to before.

Remember - you will often miss out on opportunities that could have moved you forward in toward your biggest goal if you stay too safe. When you avoid anything that has a risk of failure it will hold you back from improving and becoming the best version of you. You are listening to this podcast because you are a high achiever and you believe you were mean for something bigger. I believe in you 100% and now it is time to believe in yourself. Commit to doing some of these activities and finding ways to be uncomfortable as often as you can. The more you do it, the better you will feel. You might even figure out that you are enjoying the experience!

I would love if you do some of these in the next week or two and let me know what you did to get out of your comfort zone and how it worked out for you.