What if the reason you keep falling back into the same patterns… isn’t a lack of discipline?

In this episode of Tammy’s Takes, Tammy breaks down one of the biggest misconceptions in personal growth—and why trying to “just be more disciplined” is actually keeping you stuck.

Building off her conversation with therapist Jennifer Schrappe, Tammy explains how behaviors like emotional eating, overthinking, avoidance, and procrastination aren’t failures—they’re attempts to meet an unmet need.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything “right” but still can’t seem to change certain habits, this episode will help you understand why—and give you a simple, practical framework you can start using immediately.

Because real change doesn’t come from control…

It comes from understanding what’s driving the behavior in the first place.

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Well, hello everybody.

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Welcome back to another episode of

Tammy's Takes where we take powerful

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conversations with our guests and

turn them into practical strategies

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you can use right here, right now.

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So today I am talking about

my conversation yesterday with

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Jennifer Ra, and if you didn't

listen to the conversation, I

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highly suggest you go back in it.

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There are so many little tips of.

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Tricks and tidbits of information

that you can grab from that episode.

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It's absolutely amazing.

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So Jennifer shared a journey with us about

pulse of overeating, shame, and actually

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what it looks like to build a successful

life on the outside, what people actually

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are looking at versus what's going on

in the inside and the struggles that

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you are internally struggling with

as you build that successful life.

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And one of the biggest

things I see all the time.

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Is people's need to just do better.

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They think they need more discipline.

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It's not necessarily a discipline problem.

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And that's what we're gonna talk about

today because you hear this, you hear

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people saying, I just need to be stronger.

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I just need to do more.

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I just need to stop my crazy thinking.

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I just need more control,

blah, blah, blah.

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Today I wanna challenge that because

what if discipline isn't the answer?

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Here's the truth.

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You can't out discipline

an emotional need.

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I want you to fully hear that.

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I want you to listen to that.

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You cannot out discipline an emotional

need because if you're trying to find

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discipline or trying to use discipline

to override something deeper, you're

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always gonna feel like you're failing.

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And not because you are, but because

you're actually taking the time

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and the energy to address or solve

or try to solve the wrong problem.

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So what's actually happening?

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When you have that need, when you reach

for something, when you reach for,

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whether it's food or it's your phone or

it's overworking, or if it's checking

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out emotionally, whatever it is, when

you need something and you reach for

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something, you are not doing it randomly.

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You're doing it because you

need some kind of relief.

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You need something to feel

better for just a moment.

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And that's exactly what Jennifer

was talking about when she said

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that food became the thing that

made everything feel better.

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Even if it was only just for a moment.

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So when you try to remove the behavior

without addressing the need, your

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system is logically going to push back.

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So I'm going to jump back in,

kind of go back and talk about why

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discipline is not what you need.

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Why that fire?

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discipline backfires on you.

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Discipline will tell you

things like, stop doing this.

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Work harder, push more.

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But your body is saying something else.

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Your body is saying, I need something.

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I need something more.

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So now you're in this internal

battle with yourself and what usually

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happens, let's think about that.

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You hold it together, you be, tough.

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You're strong.

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You hold in there because that's what

you've been trained to do for a little

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while until you can't do it anymore,

because eventually you're gonna break.

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Then what happens?

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The behavior comes back and it comes back

even stronger because now your, emotional

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need is now coupled with guilt and shame.

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So you blame yourself.

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This is why.

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And you say things like, this

is why I can't change and

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this is why I always fail.

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And you say those comments to yourself.

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And the truth is, you were never

taught how to really meet the

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needs underneath the behavior.

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That is why just disciplining yourself

to stop the behavior is not enough.

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So here's the little tool or trick that

I wanna give you today, and this is

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what I want you to try doing instead.

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So the next time you catch yourself in

this pattern, I don't want you to jump

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back in and try to discipline yourself.

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I want you to walk through it like

this, and there's a couple steps to it.

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Step number one, you have

to identify the pattern.

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So what am I doing right now?

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And be honest with yourself.

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If you're about to grab a beer, if

you're about to grab a bag of cookies,

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if you're about to avoid doing something,

if you're doom scrolling, if you're

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shutting down, identify and be honest

with yourself about those things.

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No judgment, just awareness.

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Just notice what you're doing.

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step two, ask yourself, what do you need?

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What do I actually need right now?

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Not what you should you do,

but what do you actually need?

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And feel it because, and

ask yourself what you need.

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Because guys, if you start leaning

in and start talking to yourself and

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start asking yourself these questions,

you're going to get the answers.

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So it might not mean a cookie,

it might not a beer, it might

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not Going down to the casino.

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Maybe it just needs a little

relief from something, or maybe it

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just needs something comforting.

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Or maybe you need rest or maybe

you need safety, or maybe you need

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someone to tell you that it's okay.

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Those are the things

you might actually need.

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Now the next step, now that you've

identified what you're about to

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do and you've identified what what

you actually think you might need.

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Ask yourself this question, what would

support that need without hurting

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me later and the without hurting me

later is a big part of the puzzle.

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So.

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The consequences.

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And there's consequences

to all of our actions.

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And we've learned about this and we've

learned this through our whole lives,

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that what we do has consequences.

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But these, my friends, are consequences

that are there to benefit you,

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that they're there to help you out.

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So ask yourself again, I'm

gonna repeat this question.

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What would support that need?

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Whether it's comfort, connection,

safety, rest, whatever it

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is, without hurting me later.

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So is eating a sleeve of

Oreos, which seemed to be my

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or chips, a hos, was my go-to.

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Would eating a sleeve of chips,

a hoy help me or hurt me later,

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probably not be the best thing for me.

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Would drinking a six pack of

beer help me or hurt me later?

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Probably not gonna be the

best thing for me later.

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So let's start to.

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Think about the things that you,

might need that would support those

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needs that aren't going to hurt you.

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So maybe it's just getting up

and drinking a glass of water.

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Maybe it's just taking a break and

getting out of the situation you're in.

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Maybe it's going outside for a walk.

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Maybe it's just pausing and

sitting with the feeling for a

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minute, and maybe it's journaling.

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there are many different things

that are not going to hurt you

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later that you can do in the moment.

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When you have that need to grab that

thing, and that thing could be anything,

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in Jennifer's situation, that thing was

food, but it could be doom scrolling.

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It could be beer, it could be drugs.

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It could be a number of different things.

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So when you go to grab that thing,

ask yourself, what do I need?

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And what might be something I

could do that would fill that

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need that won't hurt me later?

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And this does not have to

be perfect, my friends.

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It just has to be more

supportive than the pattern.

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It has to be more supportive than

what you have been doing that you are

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trying to get yourself outta, because

why the, and you're probably asking

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yourself, Tammy, why does this work?

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does this actually do for me?

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What it does is it makes it so

that you are in a situation where

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you're not fighting with yourself.

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You're not, you are actually

working with yourself.

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So instead of saying to yourself You suck

at this and you always get this wrong.

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You're saying, Hey, let's work together.

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Let's figure this out.

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How can I satisfy this need without doing

something that's gonna harm me later?

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So you are not, basically, you're not

removing the, the, thing that used to

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give you comfort and leaving a void.

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You're replacing it with

something supportive.

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That's how patterns honestly actually

change, because if you take something

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away, you still have that need.

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If you don't grab for that cookie or you

don't grab for that piece of pizza, you

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still have whatever it was that made you

wanna reach for that in the first place.

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So support that and give it something and

replace it with something that's positive.

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So this is why I really like

this conversation with Jennifer.

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It was so powerful.

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What she showed is that the

behaviors aren't about weakness.

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They're not about.

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More discipline or not being strong

enough, or not having the willpower,

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they're actually about coping.

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They're about actually about the

human nature of trying to feel better

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in a moment that feels overwhelming,

and until you understand that

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you're gonna keep trying to fix

yourself with discipline instead of

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supporting yourself with awareness.

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So.

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sounds like a foreign concept and all of

these concepts I'm introducing if you've

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never been on the show or if you're new

to the show, or even if you've heard

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some but you haven't quite heard 'em all,

whatever, these are all concepts that they

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seem a little foreign at first, but with

a little practice and a little persistence

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and, and using these tools, wow.

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You can shift things and you can shift

things so quickly, and that's really what

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I help my people do every single day.

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That's what I help 'em do.

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So I act, I help them identify the

patterns, understand the needs,

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and actually build new ways of

responding that feel aligned.

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Because that's what we wanna do.

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We wanna feel aligned with what makes

us happy and what satisfies our needs

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without the destructive patterns.

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So if you're saying to yourself,

okay, this is so me, so, so me.

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How do I get more help?

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How do I learn more about this?

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Very simple.

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Go into the show notes, book

a confidence and comm call.

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We'll talk about it.

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We'll chat you, we'll do, we

can do an inner voice scan

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that will identify patterns.

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There's a million different ways I can

help you out, but just know that I'm on

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your side and that's what I'm here to do.

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I'm here to help you.

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I'm here to open up that awareness.

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To the different patterns that we

have and help you shift them so that

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you can walk for forward into the day

with more calmness and clarity and

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confidence, and really be able to step

out without the feeling of guilt and

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shame, without the heaviness, without the

ick that is sometimes holding us back.

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Because remember this guys,

especially in this day and age,

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you don't need more discipline.

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You need more support.

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You need more support, and if

you can't give it to yourself.

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Find someone that can, and I would

love to be that person with you.

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But for right now, try that.

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Try that exercise.

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The next time you go to reach for

something that you know is a bad

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habit, don't beat yourself up about it.

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Don't force yourself into do

just cutting it off completely.

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Ask yourself why you have this need,

what it's bringing up inside of you.

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What might make that need be filled

with something that you can do that

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is not going to harm you in the end.

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So I would love to hear from you.

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Let me know what you tried,

let me know what worked.

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And until then, I will

talk to you guys soon.

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I love you all and I hope you have

a most blessed and wonderful day.

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Bye.