Repairing Harm

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship. Teaching your teen to repair harm is an excellent opportunity. 

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, or mentors. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome, which can harm others or themselves.” ^1 These skills grow your teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel angry or hurt. They also may feel that your intervention is unfair or unjust as they exert more independence. This impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize. An even greater risk is that the injustice they feel can lead them to hide or not share challenging circumstances in their lives that you want to be aware of. 

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors expected of a “bad teen.” To interrupt this cycle, parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support them in repairing harm.

You can expect that teens ages 15-19 will make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for teens to forget to pause before acting. Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to understand the impact and how to improve things. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that teens are developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school, including college success, their ability to sustain healthy relationships, and their ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become your teen's most powerful teaching opportunity as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and begin to understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with them will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?

When your fifteen-year-old hides a failed test, your sixteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house where there’s alcohol available, or your nineteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to guide them in repairing harm. 

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your teen heal hurt relationships and make up for mistakes made

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your teen’s actions and their impact on themselves and others 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to make things right after harm has been done

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance for repairing harm helps your teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Guiding Your Teen to Repair Harm

This five-step process helps you guide your teen to build the skills necessary to repair harm when they make poor choices or mistakes. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. 

Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^2 Feelings are not right or wrong,  but your teen's behaviors may be helpful or harmful in meeting their needs and supporting connections. Though they may act on a feeling in a moment that harms another through words or actions, they likely won’t consider the impact on others until the harm is already done.

You can help your teen start understanding their feelings[4]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      You can better understand why your teen is behaving in a certain way.

●      You can teach your teen how to understand their impulses and feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.

●      You can grow their self-control, self and social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Teens ages 15-19 are still learning to understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. Consider that adults sometimes do not realize the complex emotions they are feeling. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my teen have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you after school to talk with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      After validating their feelings, you can also ask how they think others might be feeling.

○      “When your friend walked away, how do you think they felt?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

○      If your teen is not receptive to thinking about how the other person feels, that likely means they do not feel heard. Once your teen feels seen, heard, and validated, they are more likely to be able to consider the person they hurt. 

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. 

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels. Sometimes, it helps to identify the physical symptoms you’ve observed. “I’ve seen your face get red. Do you get hot when you’re mad?” Making the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having helps raise their self-awareness and notice sooner when their upset emotions are triggered.      

Trap: Remember that teens can be susceptible to any judgment. They will notice the tone and feeling behind your words. Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm. Remind yourself that the goal of the question is to help your teen uncover feelings.

Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of repairing harm is to grow the skill of taking responsibility through constructive action, such as healing hurt relationships and mending broken objects. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones[5]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen. 

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. In their push for greater independence, they continue to require guidance, rules, and boundaries from adults. Still, they may test those rules or intentionally break them as they experiment with their limits and growing identity, which can lead to intentionally or unintentionally causing harm.

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school and, along with them -- stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you for comfort and security. Though they may face conflict with you as you renegotiate your relationship with an adult son or daughter, they’ll also face their own internal conflicts, wanting to rely on you while needing their independence. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[6]  when expectations are unmet.

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to scold a teen who has made a poor choice, inducing a feeling of shame. Instead, we want teens to feel empowered to take steps toward making something better. Remember that teens are their own worst critics and may already have intense messages of failure generated in their self-talk. Calming down first will take the heat out of your tone and send the message of support for guiding them toward a better decision.

Actions

●      Recognize and reinforce healthy, constructive decision making. Each time your teen makes a choice that impacts them, you, or others and involves their careful consideration of that impact with an attempt not to harm, recognize the challenge and the thoughtfulness involved in making good decisions. 

●      At a calm time, brainstorm healthy coping strategies to deal with impulses or complicated feelings. These include exercising like walking outside or riding a bike, getting a glass of water, talking to a friend, writing in a journal, or listening to music.

●      Normalize expressing feelings. Teens can become private about their social lives and their inner experiences. Yet, they need a safe, caring environment where they can share their feelings. Offering a listening ear with non-judgment helps create that trusted space. Sharing your honest feelings models the behavior.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s how it sounds: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

●      Teach your teen how to repair harm. When they hurt a sibling’s feelings, talk to them about what they could do to help heal the relationship, such as apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other, writing a note, or offering a hug. Give them options from which to choose.  You can gently suggest that your teen apologize, but avoid forcing your teen to say “I’m sorry.”

●      Model repairing harm. All parents and those in a parenting role make mistakes and have moments when they wish they had parented differently. Use these moments to show your teen what repairing harm looks like. Some parents and those in a parenting role may fear that apologizing to their teens will compromise their authority.  Instead, you are modeling how to repair relationships and build a strong connection with your teen. 

Trap: If you tell or even command your teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to apologize with feeling genuinely? Apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment since then, the control lies with the adult and robs the teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask your teen how they feel they should make up for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. In the case of repairing harm, following up with your teen and and helping them to make things better after a poor choice will offer this kind of rehearsal. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you are going to help your teen manage their most difficult feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept them. When your teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to care for  yourself right now?” 

●      Use “Show me…” or “I know you can…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Teens are exerting their independence often, so give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can heal your relationship with your sister.” Or “I know you can make amends with your friend,” offering the confidence that your teen can manage their relationships. 

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Offering them a choice, even if small—“Do you want to talk to her directly or write her a note?”—can return a sense of control to their lives and underscore that they are moving toward independence. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you heal the relationship.”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. 

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.

Trap: Now that your teen is almost an emerging adult, the risks they are involved with and the harm they can cause can become more damaging. If more serious harm is caused, don’t give up on the teaching methods in this tool. More damaging harm requires just as much, if not more, teaching, practicing, and supporting as possible to guide your teen in repairing the damage. It will also need your self-management skills as you manage your feelings. 

Tip: If the harm caused is serious (e.g., lawbreaking, injuring another, injuring self) and persistent, you may want to consider whether your teen needs the support of a counselor to work through the root causes of the behaviors.

Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve worked with...