Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this conversation, Robb and Tina discuss their podcast and how it has changed them. They reflect on the ups and downs they have experienced since starting the podcast, including personal struggles, divorce, and the loss of a loved one. They also talk about the importance of therapy and self-reflection, and how reading books has opened their minds to new perspectives. They touch on topics such as relationships, narcissism, and the role of ego. Overall, the conversation highlights the growth and self-discovery that can come from sharing personal experiences on a podcast. In this conversation, Tina and Robb discuss the importance of self-reflection and personal growth in relationships. They emphasize the need to let go of control and allow love to come naturally. They also discuss the importance of finding a partner who matches your effort and brings peace and joy to your life. They touch on the concept of love languages and the importance of loving your partner in the way they want to be loved. They also discuss the need for hard conversations and the danger of always seeking the next best thing. Overall, they emphasize the importance of being true to yourself and finding happiness in your own life.

It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People: Durvasula PhD, Ramani: 9780593492628: Amazon.com: Books

Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What): Hussey, Matthew: 9780063294387: Amazon.com: Books

Explicit

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Copyright 2024 Dont get this Twisted

This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show. Don't get this twisted. I am Rob along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm good Rob, still a hot mess, but I'm doing alright. Yeah, I was on the vacation. We had people here that they decided to come back with us. Some were planned, some weren't. So my house is in upheaval right now, but everybody is, everybody's either gone or is leaving in as soon as 15 minutes. So house is going to be back to normal.

Yeah, you were on the vacay, so...

turmoil.

Oh wow. Wow, OK, all right, there's lots going on.

Yeah, there always is.

Alrighty, well, since you've been gone, we've done okay on our pods. We have had some pretty good ones. If you haven't listened to the last two, we have one family splinter. That was a couple of weeks ago. And then should we talk about relationship issues with our friends and family? That was last week. You should check those out if you haven't. And yeah, so this week, I thought I would talk about something real quick that, you know, I try to...

Nice.

We're going to talk about our podcast and basically what it's done for us and how it's changed us and what podcasts in general I think are doing for the world. I'm a big podcast junkie, so I listen to different ones. I listen to a guy named Matthew Hussey. He's a relationship expert guy. He's really cool. But I was telling you off the air before we went on, I've read two books since you've been gone, which are absolutely amazing books. And I think that since we have a lot of female listeners,

I'll give you both of them. The one from Matthew Hussey is called Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. Super good book. Really talks in depth about coming out of a relationship and what to do and if you were in a bad one or toxic. And then just how to love yourself. Gives you confidence how to rewire your brain after.

some bad stuff, it's a really good book. And then I also read another book called It's Not You, Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. And I would say that if you've been in any kind of toxic narcissistic relationship, you must read this book. It's by a doctor. Her name is,

Nice.

Ooh.

Ramini der Vasula. It's amazing, first of all, on a lot of different levels. It really breaks down how to fix yourself. It gives you exercises, things to do. It's just a really good book. And I think from the standpoint of a guy who maybe wasn't in a toxic relationship, but might've been toxic.

Nice.

This book really kind of messed me up because it gave a lot of examples of things that people do and I did a lot of them during my marriage and really with the person down the street. I don't know if you know what love bombing is, but it's when you do a lot of things for people or buy them stuff. I did a lot of that with my friend down the street and I definitely probably should have stepped back.

Yeah.

But like I said, a really good book and I think that's again, we have a lot of female listeners. It's you should check them out. One from Matthew Hussey and then this one called It's Not You Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. It's a brilliant book. I'm into reading things so I've been ordering a lot of books. Matter of fact, I just started one today. It's called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

I bet that's a good one.

So we'll see about how that does. It's not what you think. I think the title is very like in your face, but it's really, it really, the whole point of the book is stop worrying about these tiny things, worry about the things that really matter. So sometimes you just have to not give a fuck. And I agree with that. I think that you should definitely care about the big things in your life, but.

Yeah, absolutely.

He had a pretty good anecdotal thing about saying like, you know, you're worrying about something that in five days won't mean anything to you. Literally won't mean anything. But a lot of these people that were, yeah, yeah, oh, for sure. And kind of from this is that a lot of these people that I've heard about are through podcasts that I listen to. And I started thinking like,

Yeah.

That's most things to get worried about though.

you know, what has happened with us since we've kind of started this off because it's been a long time. I don't think people understand. This is episode 146.

That's a lot of episodes.

We started quite a long time ago.

Oh crap.

Yeah, we started our first episode dropped in September of 2021.

So lots has happened since then. Mostly.

We've been doing this for like two and a half years.

Mm hmm. Yeah, this coming September will be three years. So. Yeah, I think that. I mean, we've gone through lots of ups and downs and. Personal struggles and death and. Heartbreak there's we've gone through a lot since this has started. And I don't think that.

you really think about it until someone kind of corners you and goes, hey, you know, like, do you remember this or this and...

That's true, because when you said this, I was like, wait.

Where am I?

Yeah, because it doesn't seem that long. You know what I mean?

It really doesn't.

Yeah, it's quite um...

it's quite kind of a slap in the face when you start looking at it from the standpoint of how long it's been and really the ups and downs that we've had. Because I mean, when we started this, you were still married, I believe you were just starting to go through your divorce. So in the...

I was. I was just a...

I was definitely going through a divorce by then and I was out of the house. Yeah, so I had already left, but still technically married for sure.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

I remember not being able to say certain things or being worried about saying things because of fear of what it could do in the divorce. So that was kind of interesting. Yeah.

I think if...

Correct.

And I think if you, if anyone who's listening to this goes back and listens to the early episodes, you can really kind of tell how we go around certain things.

how guarded I was, is that what you're saying?

Well, both of us though. I mean, to be fair, like I did my best not to say things that would open up anything with my friend down the street because she was in a relationship at the time and I just thought that I was doing my best not to bring anything up. Rock the boat. And then, you know, obviously things with...

Rock the boat.

my friend in North Carolina and that whole situation while my friend down the street was dating someone, I was trying to change my life. And, you know, things happened and obviously that didn't go my way. And, you know, I'm still in a conundrum from with my friend down the street. So there's lots of things going on. And obviously you did go through your marriage.

Oh yeah.

and then get a divorce and started dating since then. So in two and a half years, lots of things have happened and obviously I lost my mom. So I think, you know, looking back on this podcast, at least for me, has been very cathartic. It's let me get out some things that obviously are...

Yeah, I bet.

are leaning on me pretty heavily or let me at least say kind of what's on my mind without really getting in too deep because of my friends that are close that I don't want to, you know, thankfully we don't say people's names. So, and a lot of people, there's not many people who know the person down the street, which is really good. And probably no one who listens to this.

that I know of would know. And I know she listens every blue moon, so, because I've heard about it. But I think it's good because it lets me not hold things back. You know what I mean? It lets me not pent up a bunch of stuff. Because I'm telling you, thankfully over some things that I've said on here, I've gotten past some depression issues.

Right.

that creep up on me every blue moon and I think that that's good. This is almost like my therapy, which I think after reading a lot of these books, I think I might even start that just to talk to somebody else. It's...

You know, I was in therapy for 10 years when I had my daughter and I got to tell you that was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. So I'm definitely an advocate of therapy and I definitely think you would love it. You especially would love it because you're a talker. So I think it would be a good idea for you to give it a start.

Yeah, the only thing is I'm a little worried about the repercussions of hearing what I don't want to hear. Because, you know, we all think in our own heads that we're right or someone else is wrong and you want to just go, well, they're wrong. And someone is probably going to tell me, no, they're probably right. So, but I, but I do think that it's a, it's a healthy way of doing things.

hehe

And even if you don't agree with your therapist, it's okay. So no matter what your therapist says, if you don't agree with it or they don't know what they're talking about, like it's okay to still not address a situation in the way that they would want you to or the way that they would encourage you to. But I find that the more that I've pushed back on therapy was the more that that's where I needed to be.

Mm -hmm. Right.

if that makes sense.

Yeah, I think therapy, again, mostly from, you know, like I said, these these two books really kind of opened my mind to lots of different things. It really made me see relationships in general and what you really do have to do to make them work. And it's it's definitely it's a two way street.

You need both sides to do what they're going to do to make it work. But I think if you go in as yourself with a open mind, open heart, thinking, and don't have that narcissistic behavior, you can make things work. The guy Matthew Hussey said something in his book, and he's on YouTube, he has his own podcast. He said some things too that...

that really kind of resonated with me about, he goes, look, relationships only work when you both choose each other.

Yes, that's very true.

and you can't, it's super true. And he also talks about like, look, chemistry is important, obviously. Attraction is important. But there's so many underlying things. He did a chapter called Attention or Intention. And if, you know, the things that...

generally work out are people who go into a relationship with intention, right? Anyone can give you attention. You can start dating all you want. But if the person who's coming into that dating world doesn't have intention, it doesn't matter. And I mean real intention, like, and I'm not saying plan your future out because I think that that's just insanity. But you have to have intention. And I think at our age, you definitely have to have some kind of intention.

Okay.

Absolutely.

Where do you see yourself? I don't want a serial date. I've already been in the dating pool and it's fucking green and miserable. I've done it and I've... And look, I've done it more than I've said on here. I've went a bunch of times with a lot of one and done's. And to me, it's just not something that I want to...

keep doing, but unfortunately that's where we're at. You know, I either, I either wait it out for somebody and hope that they jump in or I have to get back in the dating pool, which I am not looking forward to. But this guy, you know, he says a lot of things in that. And I think that this podcast, I'm hoping that the people who listen also get something out of it. You know, it's, it's two people who are in their early fifties who are whole.

are changing their life, right? Because you were married for a long time and I really haven't. Yeah, and I really haven't dated since I've been divorced. And I mean like real dating. I did date a girl for like six months, actually two times. One young girl who was horrible and I would have jumped in front of a car to stop it. And then another girl who was a really nice woman at the time, but...

Starting over.

Jesus.

had young kids and just didn't have time. And even so at the time, I still, my problem is that I have feelings for somebody and I think that that's gonna continue to screw it up until I can let go. And it probably did something with my friend in North Carolina as well. So that could be a whole other thing. But I think that the...

there's things to learn from all these different podcasts. And I hope that we're bringing some kind of...

Real, you know, we're not therapists. We're not doctors. We're not You know, we're just normal folks that you know, yeah, we're just normal people who have an opinion and throw our regular people lives into the face of a bunch of people who who listen and I think it's important that that people hear regular people because we can all listen to

No, not even close.

whatever YouTube star you want to say and look, it's awesome. Some of these guys give great information. And I think that that's why I kind of like Joe Rogan's show where he's just a smart guy who says whatever he wants. And in the beginning, that's kind of how I wanted to model this show. Because I think that it's important that, you know, I mean, we've had people on here that have spilled their guts out about very, very tragic and important information.

Mm -hmm.

You know, and and if you haven't listened to those those shows, you know, find them. You know, we've had abuse survivors. We've had I mean, even the online dating ones, which were borderline funny. But but a lot to learn from them, you know, like I remember getting off a couple of these ones where we had females on and it kind of made me feel like a dick.

They were fun.

like some of the things that I heard. Oh, totally. It just made me feel like, God, the male species can be horrible. And then you hear about...

Did it?

I think both species could be horrible.

No, I agree, but I'm just giving you from my point of view, right? Like all these things that, that, that don't get me wrong. Things that you say about females is, is kind of opens my eyes a little bit. Um, because yes, we're human. We can both be horrible and I don't want to say that we can't, but man, men can be horrible. And then, you know, I, I've, I have a friend who was just came out of a relationship that was

Horrible mentally. I couldn't she told me she had told me a bunch of things that this guy did Right, and then I read this book on narcissism and it gives you like eight or nine different kinds of narcissism This guy was like four or five of them And it just yeah, it was horrible and I and You know, here comes the white knight, right? I want to ride in and save and

Ugh.

but you have to heal, right? You have to heal on your own. And I've done, you know, my friend, I like her, so I want to write in. And after I read this book, I realized that that's the worst thing I could have done. The worst, right? I should be there for her, obviously, but she has to heal. This lady in this, the book on narcissism said something that I, it shocked me, but I can understand. The first thing she says is don't date for a year.

Really.

like literally cleanse yourself of everything. And she goes into like, that means don't go to a bar, don't get drunk and kiss people there, don't nothing. Like literally you have to hit a reset button. And she goes, it's gonna suck, it's gonna be boring. Cause your friends are gonna wanna go to bars and you're gonna meet people and you're gonna wanna get numbers. She's like, you can't. You have to step back and see what you want in life.

Right?

And it's important because some of this stuff is resetting your brain, right? I didn't, you know, look, things that can change your outlook start early. Could be your parents, could be your parents that drove you to the first boyfriend that started the whole thing. People who end up in narcissistic relationships generally repeat them over and over and over again. And...

Mm -hmm.

Interesting.

It was quite, it was quite shocking. And it's, this lady kind of even said like, here's the thing is that you get, it's almost like being high, right? You get so used to the hot and cold that you crave the hot and cold. So if you get with somebody who, and I'm gonna use a nice guy, but I don't, I don't actually, if you get into a normal, healthy relationship, that's the better words I'm saying.

that you end up thinking people are boring because he's not pushing you to argue. He's not giving you this high and this low and this high and this low. You're not on a roller coaster, so you're like, what's wrong with this guy? He's not pushing me. I'm going to say something to get into an argument so I can feel like this again. So part of this whole thing is in this book is she's like, that you've been that.

Right, because you repeat patterns that you've.

that you think are correct because when someone starts treating you like a decent human being and respects you and wants to make sure you're okay because he has no ulterior motive, you step back and go, I don't understand why you're doing this. This is what I need to do. So it was an interesting thing to where this is kind of why I wanted to talk about our podcast.

things like this where I think I'm gonna start reading a lot more. I think it's time, I'm an old man and I sat in front of a TV way too often and I think that I'm missing out on lots of information, right? There's lots of things out there. I just ordered like three more books today to kind of open up my mind to things. And I only know about this guy through...

another guy, but his name is Ryan Holiday. He's also a writer. The three books that he has, it's called, it's a box set. One is called Obstacle is in the Way. One book is called Stillness is Key, and one is called Ego is the Enemy. And a lot of these people talk about your ego and...

Your ego as in not like, oh, you're stuck up, but your ego isn't the thing that makes conscious or unconscious decisions. And sometimes we let our egos get in the way. And I will say that I always let my ego get in the way. And again, it's got me in, oh yeah, because it's not the ego that you're thinking, that like, oh, it's my ego. Your ego is just who you are.

Okay.

Absolutely.

You think so?

Right.

And sometimes we let our ego get in the way of things to where it does more damage than it does good. Instead of just stepping back. Like I said, my friend who's newly single, I thought, hey, I need to jump up there and show her like, I'm the one you should be with. When that was my ego talking, my ego was going, hey,

I getcha.

You know me, you know I'm a good guy, you know this, you know that. But that's not in right now. She doesn't need that. She needed, hey, you know, I need to do this, this, and that. I need to find out who I am as a person. But I think that's just our ego talking in general. And that's with all of us. And it's a quite big thing. So I'm hoping that these books that I'm ordering right now,

You know, ego is the enemy, which is probably true. Your ego can be your enemy.

And yet you need a certain amount of ego to, what's that?

but I'll have to bring.

No, no, you're right. No, what you were about to say is correct.

Yeah, you need you need a certain amount of ego in order to live in society with everybody and to put your put yourself into situations that you're uncomfortable with like your ego sometimes will drive that so that you you can do the things that you need to do. So having ego is good, but knowing when to to have it be as bold as it needs to be maybe, you know, maybe that could be toned down or up depending.

You know, but I don't know. I think everybody says ego, like ego is a bad thing and I just don't agree with that. Maybe that's my ego. I don't know.

Mm -hmm.

Correct, I think it's, and that is correct. I just think that, well, I'll tell you after I read this book, but ego is the enemy I think has a lot to do with that we let it, sometimes we let our ego get out of control to where it is the enemy. You're right, everyone has, I think the difference between your ego and confidence are two totally different things. If you have confidence, that's going, look, that's going,

Yeah.

Absolutely.

No matter what you say, I know I'm better than whoever. Now that's, that's being, that's having an ego, but I think that that's also kind of a healthy ego that's going, I know I'm good. So I'm going to tell you now you, you, I think you have to be able to prove that. I think there's something to that as well. So these are the things that like, and you know what is an ego killer?

Right.

There's a way to kill your ego as well, which sometimes it needs to be killed. When you're like, oh, you know, I'm doing this good, I'm doing this good, and then something bad happens. Sometimes you need to get kicked in the nads to go, oh, okay, I need to step back, I need to reset, I need to think about what is going on in life for myself. It's important that we as people do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

I agree with you 100 % on that. I've learned when it comes to dating to just let whatever's gonna be be. I try not to control anything. I try not to bug anyone too much. I feel like if love is to come into my life, it's gonna come to me.

Because I think like, mm -hmm.

I don't need to go out and fight for it. I don't need to prove myself for it. I don't need to, um, I don't need to make things happen or show somebody that I'm worthy. I find that now in life, I'm like, I'm just going to kick back. If you want to talk to me, you'll call. If you don't want to talk to me, you won't. My life, I've gotten my life towards very active and busy and I find that that's the best part of me.

Dating because no matter what's going on in dating. I still have a full life without it and I feel like for the first time in my life. I'm in my power. I'm in my my strength. I'm I I've learned a lot. I've learned in love enough to where now I'm a catch now if somebody finds me and they want to put the time into a relationship with me as I do them we're gonna have a really good chance on things working out because I

Right.

of where I am now. When I was younger, things were totally different. You're in a different place in your life than you are at different ages. And so I've learned a lot through doing things wrong, or not wrong, but maybe incorrectly. And now I'm just letting life happen. And I'm enjoying what's coming along, and I'm not worried about what comes next. And...

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

At times it does get lonely because affection, attention, working with somebody, having somebody that's got your back, I do miss those things, but I don't need them to survive. And I like that about me now.

Sure.

Well, and I think that that's that that's kind of the thing as well. It's look, I think there's always a need want. Right. And I think that's an anything. Nobody generally needs anything, but we all want something. You know, you need food. You don't want it. But when it comes to people, I think that the people in your life.

are need to give you something worth having. I'll give you an example for me. It's like when people go, I just want peace. I just want peace. I want to be able to come home and talk with somebody that I enjoy their company and that kind of thing. Like I don't need, like we've talked about it before, I've been single so long, I don't need a cleaner, someone to do my laundry, cook.

Yeah.

Do I appreciate all that? Immensely. I think that, look, I would love to have someone in my life that we could counter each other really good. I do the yard work, she does the cooking. Or I do the barbecuing, she does whatever. Whatever it is. I think that there has to be a counterbalance to that. But there has to be peace. My thing is this, I heard somebody say something that...

when someone asks you what you like about somebody, it's very, some people just, they can't answer it. I just do, it's a feeling. And I've kind of stepped back from that and I had someone ask me about someone and they're like, so what is it about them that you like? And I was like, because when I'm around them, I feel like I'm at home. And I think there's something to that. The...

Absolutely. Yeah.

This person, every time I'm around her, I feel like I'm at home. It doesn't feel difficult. It feels peaceful. We sit and talk and we don't have to be, we don't have to be all over each other. We don't have to be doing that. There's a, there's a sensibility to feeling like my best friends on the couch, but I want to kiss her all over. And those are the important things. It.

Yeah.

look, she's kind and she's pretty and she does these things, but that's not why I like her. At our age, we have to look at the reality of life, right? Your looks are going to fade.

If you're not into the person for their heart and their head, you're in it for the wrong reason. I want somebody I can share a sunset with and not someone that I have to mentally abuse to get them to do something. I don't want to play games. I don't want to do that thing anymore. So I think...

That's true.

Yeah.

You shouldn't play games and at our age really is that even? It's not even a thing anymore. Like people won't play them with you.

No, I don't think it is. Well, and I think that generally no. I think that a lot of people our age and look, you know, I'd love to say that that's true, but probably not. I'm assuming that that you'll run along men on dating apps that are in their late 40s, early 50s that are still playing games. That are out there just to have sex and nothing else.

Yeah, you know it's...

That's for sure. But you know what I noticed that they're not, they're not living a life that's conducive to getting anywhere. Those type of people are just into getting what they need right now, but not ever. It never goes any further. Like their life is in a situation where it's just stagnant. And I, I don't want that. What I'm looking for is somebody who could.

match my my

What was the word that I would use? It would match my...

I know this Effort match my effort, you know It's not just about me taking care of you You should be trying to take care of me and if you're not thinking about things that you could do to even that score because I will always come up with I'm a kind of a caregiver so if if you're if You're in a place where you need help. I'm like cool. I got you. It's but that's who I am as a person but

drive?

effort.

Mm -hmm.

I equally want somebody to be able to do that with me as well. And I don't want to settle for less. And I don't put a lot of time into people that don't have that capability. Because not that I need somebody to always do as much as they possibly can for me, but I need to know that I'm loved by the effort that they give to us as a couple, as a life together, not just...

me doing to keep everything going so, you know, so that life continues. I've already done that. I'm not doing that.

I totally agree with that. And I think I heard a very good way of looking at relationships. Someone says a relationship is great. A relationship is like buying a nice piece of land that has a great view. But if you don't have someone who wants to build a house on it, it's worthless.

Right? And that's the thing. You should find somebody that brings you peace and joy and contentment and love and fire and everything that comes with it. It should be somebody that can match that effort. You should always go with that. Not somebody where you're just taking care of them and you never get anything in return. That's not fair and it's not healthy.

and

Mm -hmm.

Correct. Well, the other thing I heard that I thought was very interesting is if you're going to get in a relationship with somebody, you know, we did a love language episode, like episode three, I think, or four, if anyone wants to go back and listen to it. The thing that you need to do is for one, know your mate's love language. I think it's very important.

Yeah.

But the other thing is you can't love the other person like you want to be loved. You have to love them like they like to be loved and they'll generally reciprocate. So I did, I did.

Yes.

Yeah. Have you, have you done the love language since, have you done the tests since we did it last?

quiz?

I did, I did it with my friend down the street.

I recently redid it and my answers are different now. I'm in a different place I guess in my life that the answers have changed. Yeah.

Well, because maybe you've changed.

Yeah, mine flip -flopped between, so mine is more like quality time. I'd rather spend quality time with you. Second was touch. And third was acts of service, which is kind of interesting, because I'm generally not like that. She's an acts of service person. She likes to have things done for her, because she's a mom.

grandmother and she is always doing doing doing so when people help her out that's her love language so I'm going to assume that in a relationship that if she's getting that she'll be a very good giver back of what you're looking for and but I think the problem with people is that we try to love them like we want to be loved and that is a huge mistake.

For sure. Because not everybody feels loved by having the same thing done. Like you say acts of service. Acts of service make me a little nervous. Like when people are doing things for me, I don't know. I feel uncomfortable that that would if somebody was always doing that, I would always feel uncomfortable.

You know.

Mm -hmm, of course.

Right.

It's funny too because acts of service, acts of service for her, I think are in a relationship thing, right? If she was in a relationship, she'd probably enjoy that. But if you do it when you're not in a relationship with her, she isn't good with it. She feels like, oh, I need to, I'm going to owe you something. And I'm sure that comes from somewhere in her life, right? At some point, somebody, um,

It wouldn't work.

Mm -hmm.

either said, oh, you're not doing enough and look, I did this, this, this, and this for you. But I'm a giver. So for me, it's very hard with her. Like I helped her out with something and she's like, oh, no, I'll take you out to dinner. I'm like, no, that's not the point. I'm helping you because I want to. I don't want anything, you know, to come back on me. I do it because I give a shit and I care about you. So for me, it's very hard.

Exactly.

And I understand that and look some people you just you have to To try to understand the best you can and and hopefully they will understand Which again comes with you know, these books that I read I think you there's a lot to be learned out there that I think people need to open up their eyes and And read more. I think that this book I'm gonna give her the narcissistic book

She's reading the other one right now. But I think that the love one you should probably read as well. I know you don't have tons of time, but it might be a good book for you to read. They're just.

I like reading books. If you pass it along, I'll read it.

Yeah, it's very eye -opening and the one, the Matthew Hussey book was very good. It opened my eyes to a lot of other things that maybe I wasn't doing. I think one of the chapters in it was about reprogramming yourself, right? Like you have, because my friend has said, oh, I'm just wired wrong. And...

Interesting.

after reading this book, you can rewire yourself. Part of the thing I think with all of us is you don't want to go back, right? You don't want to go backwards. You don't want to go back to the same kind of relationship. You don't want to go back to, you know, what didn't work in your marriage. And I've, I've been working on this for 15 years, right? To, to put things that I've learned over the last, you know, years.

it to work because I think that I messed up a lot in my marriage and after I read this book you can reprogram yourself but you have to go outside the box. If you're not willing to go outside of the box, if you're used to picking bad people or you're used to a certain type of person, you have to try the other direction because if you don't you're going to be stuck in a you know...

infinite circle of bullshit. So I think that there's a lot to that. I think...

This book, like I'll give you some of the chapter titles because I think this would be good for our listeners to... The introduction is called Karma is a Bitch.

Some of them was like the first one is being single is hard. How to tell love stories. Beware of avoiders because a lot of people will keep you but avoid you. Red flags. Here's one that I thought was a great thing that not enough people do. Have hard conversations.

because none of us like them because we're afraid of what's going to happen afterwards. But I think if you really, really have hard conversations in life, you will, you'll get through them because both parties will understand that it's from a place of love and not trying to sabotage or throw a grenade into your relationship. Here's one that I think is big.

on both sides, both male and female, but there's a title chapter called Never Satisfied. And I think probably not in our demographic, but I'm sure it's still there. People now are just never satisfied. They're always looking for the next best thing.

I think that men would say women mostly are not satisfied.

Um, probably. I just think that here's the thing is this Matthew Hussey guy kind of came up with something I saw in this guy. This he's talking to this girl in this interview and she, she goes, I just don't want to be his, you know, his second, you know, I don't want to be his standby. And he goes, it's not just that. I don't want the person to come back to me when they realize that I'm better than everybody else. You know, uh, love is a choice, right? You have a choice to do it.

If you're going to get involved with somebody, it's not, well, I'm going to do this because I'm never going to find anyone better. And he goes, well, what if you do? Because you might. The whole point is that I want to build a relationship with you because I like you. I don't care if someone better comes along. I want to build a relationship with you. And I thought that was just like a punch in the dick. I was like, oh, yeah, that is true.

If you're always looking for the next best thing, you'll never be happy, ever.

Right. No, it's it's and nobody's perfect either. You just got to pick somebody that you enjoy being around that enjoys being around you and then you have a chance like nobody's perfect. My one of my best friends and her husband. I adore them. But you know what I like about them the most is that they truly like being around each other. They they lean in on each other. They they have their own little jokes. They

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

They do for each other, but in the end, they really like just being around each other. And I think that that's so important because you're alone with a person that you're with for so many hours of the day that you really have to like them in order to be able to love them and in order to have a happy life. It doesn't work any other way.

Mm -hmm.

you

Yeah, and like I said, I think that's the special part that once you realize that it's so easy that you can just sit around with your socks on and bullshit, the bigger things become way easier. It's, you know, the dates become easier, the having a fun time becomes easier because you know that...

if shit hits the fan and you, you know, whatever it is, and I'm talking like, let's say you're a couple and something bad happens where you're, you don't have a ton of money right now and shit hits the fan. You know that you can be in the same house with each other, getting by, but you know, definitely not afraid to be around each other. Cause when you're, you know, when you're in a bad spot, it can be really bad.

sorry that whole thing was so I wasn't hearing you properly it was so disconnected I didn't hear what you said.

Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, there's some, we're having a couple of issues for sure. I just think that you have to be able to be in a rough spot with somebody and if you're good with them just being around them, it makes your relationship so much easier because you can have the conversation of, okay, we have to cut this corner, we have to cut this corner, we have to pay for this because it came out of nowhere.

everything's gonna be okay. That's the kind of partner I think we're all looking for, right? Is the person that when the shit hits the fan and you're going through family shit and you don't, and a bill that comes out of nowhere, you have a partner that goes, we're gonna be fine. It's okay, we'll cut corners here, we'll do this, we'll make this work, we'll be okay in a month. If you're looking for that,

that's ultimately what you should be looking for. It's a partner.

Yeah, you want somebody who's gonna be there when shit goes sideways.

You know what I mean? So, you know, I think there's a lot to that. You know, part of this was like, I wanted it to make about our podcast and what it's done to me, but like I said, I think it's more cathartic than anything. It's given me a chance to kind of open my mind and talk about things that I really didn't do on a normal basis. And...

I agree.

Yeah, we should definitely try to do what we wanted to do in another episode.

Yeah, for sure. I mean, we're always gonna talk relationships because those are the things that are going on around us. And, you know, I think, I mean, for me, yes, I'm always, I feel like I'm always chasing the rabbit. And, you know, I said something, I said something to her one time that...

day though.

because she said that I was intense before. And I said, oh yeah, yeah, I can be very intense. The flip side of that though is, you know, I get very complacent and that I'm afraid that, you know, once I'm in a relationship, I go south because I think that's what I did with my marriage. And I said, you know, be careful what you wish for because, you know, I like the intense guy that wants to write notes and...

put them on your window better than the guy who is like, yeah, whatever. Cause I don't want to be that guy ever again. So there's a lot to be learned from a lot of things. I'm just glad that we can say things on here and every blue moon get some feedback from some of the people who listen. Your friend in Tennessee has sent me some messages before just kind of like, Oh, I really liked this episode or I agree with what you guys talked about. And

That's kind of a cool thing to hear from people that, you know, they realize that we're human and we're also going through some shit, but, you know, maybe we're being good for them and they're getting to go, oh yeah, that's, I'm going through that right now and I'm gonna be okay.

Absolutely and and ultimately that is the truth Whatever we're going through right now won't be what we're going through in a month or six months or a year Feelings change. Thank God and We just need to roll with whatever it is. It's going on and know that The true form of life is that nothing will remain the same So that always leaves me with a little bit of hope going if it's really shitty right now. It can't be like this forever

Correct, yeah, no, I agree with that, that wholeheartedly. Nothing lasts forever. And you can dig your way out of it. You can find yourself a good place. And generally, things work out.

No.

you do and and try try if you're really wanting to be a better person if you're really wanting to have a relationship if you're really wanting something that's functional and and happy for you and actually works be okay just being you and if you're okay just being you you'll be okay being in a relationship but if you're not okay being you you're not giving a relationship any sort of a chance.

at least a few.

I agree with that. I think there's everyone who comes into whatever relationship you're getting into, you have to be 110 % you. There's no pumping the brakes on what you are, who you are. Because when you find that person, they're going to love you for exactly what you are. You know, I like...

You do.

and if they don't, they're not the right person to be with.

Exactly. And I think there's something to that. All right, Tina, we've gone our we've gone our way. Make sure to check out our socials, Facebook, Instagram X. You can see here is on YouTube music. You can hear us on Spotify, Apple, everywhere you can hear podcasts. Go back and listen to some of those earlier episodes. I think you'll find I think you'll find them very interesting. They're very much more raw because we didn't know what we were doing it.

And I think that there's a lot to be heard on those. Anything, any last words for our?

Absolutely. I, you know what? I think, I think I'm going to go back and listen to a few episodes because I don't feel like I've changed all that much since we started, but I have changed that much. So I think I'm just going to pick four or five episodes and listen to them and, and I'll let you know how it goes. But.

Yeah, and maybe, just maybe, start listening to Show Weekly.

Oh, don't don't push it though. Let's not go that far. But Rob, for you, read those books, take out what you what you think you should leave the rest behind because you know what truly you're not a bad guy. And although I've never dated you, I've watched you date a lot of women in your life and

Yeah, that's a good point.

You're due for somebody that appreciates you for the way you are without having to change a lot of shit.

Yeah, I won't change. I've put myself into the look that I am who I am and the person that I end up with, I want them to be who they are. You know, like, you have to have fun and you have to be who you are because if you don't, we're all going to be miserable and I don't want to be miserable anymore. It's not fun. The last few...

Please.

And if somebody doesn't want to like you, they're not for you.

No, for sure. And you know, like, I don't want to, not that I look back on my marriage and not that I was miserable the last, you know, couple of years, but I definitely wasn't happy. So I want to find a place where I'm happy. And again, if I don't end up with somebody and I'm happy, more power to me. I think there's something to that as well. All right, darlin', it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted till next Wednesday.

There you go.

I'm Rob, that's Tina, we'll see you later on. Bye.

See ya.