Comparing ourselves to others can be toxic, and lead us to ignore our own needs, and forget our unique limits. It’s time to follow our own path, to note when we're "shoulding" on ourselves, to stop feeling guilty about our differences, and to ditch the idea that we're somehow wrong for having different constraints.

• Download the Thrive Week Planner
• Download the episode’s podsheet. You can use it for reflection and to submit for your appraisal as part of your CPD.
• Join the You Are Not a Frog Facebook group
• How to Escape the Tyranny of the ‘Shoulds’ – Episode 196 with Charlotte Housden
• Life’s Too Short NOT to Love What You Do – Episode 209, with Dr Sarah Goulding
• How to Have More Impact with Less Effort – Episode 159

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I've always been quite an arrogant pedestrian.

It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but I never really been able to see the point of waiting for ages on the side of the road.

If there's a gap, you can go for it, even if you're in a group of people.

I was walking along with a friend the other day, and we were walking to a cafe.

We were in a group of people and I just straight across the road cause I spotted a gap and eventually they all caught up with me and I said to them all, why were you all waiting for so long?

And they said, well, you know, we all wants to cross together.

And at which point my friend pipes up said, oh, Rachel, you'd have agreed with my mum.

My mum always used to say to me, you cross the road as an individual.

So often in life, we stick with the status quo, don't we?

We think we have to have the same career as everybody else, or do family in the same way as everybody else does.

And if I'm honest, that stopped me doing a lot of things and following my intuition and doing things I know would be best for me.

Because I haven't crossed the rate as an individual.

I haven't done life as an individual.

I've looked at other people and thought, well, if they'd done it like that, then I should be doing it like that.

Now of course, comparing ourselves to other people is just normal.

And one of the reasons we do this is because we're tribal animals.

We love to belong to a tribe.

In fact, it's a, it's really important for our existence that we belong to a tribe.

And thinking that the tribes against us, doesn't like what we're doing, disproves of us, could be an existential threat because when we lived in caves, if people didn't like us, if we upset people, we'd be kicked out, we would die of exposure or be eaten by a lion or both.

So it was quite normal to compare ourselves to other people and do the things that we think other people expect us to do, which is where the shoulds come in.

And of course being a decent human being.

It's really important.

So he wants to be selfless.

We want to fit in.

We want to do what's expected of us.

And we feel really guilty.

If we don't comply with expectations, if we actually want to do something but different.

And because our position in the tribe is really important to us, our status is important to us, we sometimes can be a bit prideful and look down on other people that maybe aren't doing as well as us or doing life as they should either.

The problem with comparison is when it stops us listening to our own intuition.

Or we're comparing ourselves against somebody.

We shouldn't be comparing ourselves against.

If I'm an apple and you're a pair, there's no point me saying, well, I tasted a little bit different and how could I be more like that pear?

Because I will never be like that pear.

So we failed to compare, like with like.

Now the problem is the more we compare ourselves to other people,.

the more, we hesitate to forge our own path and just copy what's been done before.

The more overwhelmed we get, the more, we feel like a square peg in a round hole.

And the more we end up living our lives to somebody else's version of success.

We end up burning out or feel guilty or unhappy, or constantly think we're not measuring up.

If we get this right, however, well right there is a prescription for a happy and fulfilled career, for a life in which we know that we're calling the shelter.

We're not relying on other people's approval or other people's wisdom to tell us what we should be doing.

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So, instead of thinking that there's a right way, I should do my career or a right way that I should live my life, perhaps it's much better to think there are lots of ways that I could do my life.

There are lots of ways that I could have a career in I've chased into do.

But I'm doing life as an individual.

I'm not doing life as part of a group that just follows the way it's always been done around here.

How exactly to be do this when the drive to compare ourselves with others is so strong?

Where the drive to fit in with what others expect of us or wants of us, or, or think is best, is just so high?

Now I remember being a mother and toddler group, and we were looking at this book called Mother Styles.

It was essentially Myers, Briggs profiling for months.

And they asked you to describe your ideal day and a friend of mine said that her ideal day would be waking up with the kids at about eight o'clock in the morning and spending the entire day in her pajamas, just snuggling down on the safer reading books, doing some baking and then having an early nights.

And I remember listening to her and feeling completely astounded.

Because for me, that was my idea of the worst day ever.

I couldn't possibly think of a worst day of spending my time than just being in my pajamas all day at home with nobody else to talk to apart from a pair of toddlers

. Now don't get me wrong.

I absolutely love my kids.

But what I had my friend describing her day, the first emotion I felt was guilt and shame, thinking.

Gosh, why don't I feel like that I really should feel that like that.

I ought to feel like that.

What's wrong with me?

Why aren't I a good mum?

Surely a good mum would feel like that.

And I got caught up in that toxic shame spiral, that Inner Critic FM I was listening to about you must be a dreadful mum just because you're different.

And it wasn't til I spoke to another friend of mine saying, wow, gosh, did you hear her day?

And my friend said, oh my God, like, that's absolutely awful.

That would literally be my worst day ever, I thought, oh, hang on a sec, it's not just me.

Maybe I'm not the worst mother ever.

Maybe I'm just different.

So we need to catch ourselves when we're shoulding on ourselves.

I should be like this.

I should be like that.

And just ditch the guilt.

Don't feel that just because we're different, there's something wrong with us.

So catch the shoulds in your mind.

Secondly, understand yourself.

My friend understood herself.

She knew that she was a real introvert.

She loved being at home.

That would be her ideal day.

Now at the time, I didn't really know what my ideal day was.

I hadn't done any work on myself to know what I really liked and what I didn't like.

Now, if I get older, I'm starting to detect the things I know will bring me joy and the things I know won't bring me joy.

For example, I'm recording this podcast in the middle of Wales.

I've I've come away over the Easter break with my family.

And I love being in nature.

And if I have a chance to go away, I will be somewhere with the mountains and with the sea and with grass and trees, I can't bear going to cities.

Now for some people, they want to go on a city break and go to museums and get a load of culture.

And that is brilliant.

It doesn't mean that they're bad and I'm good.

It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy culture.

It's just that I know what I need to replenish.

I know what I need to relax and rest and have a real break.

I'm just different from other people and isn't that great?

Isn't that great?

Somebody told me the other day that their idea of an utter nightmare was standing on stage speaking to hundreds of people.

And for me, that's my sweet spot.

I love doing big talks.

In fact, the bigger the audience, the better.

We're different.

Nobody's better or worse than anybody else.

You cross the road as an individual.

When I was being an arrogant pedestrian, I could be it 'cause I knew I could nip through that gap.

Now other people might not be able to, but it doesn't mean I was right or they were Wrong.

We have to go over this self judgment.

But understanding ourselves and knowing what makes us tick is really, really important.

So do you really know what you love?

When you're thinking about how I manage my family, how I manage my career.

How I managed my rest and my holidays.

Have you done the work to work out what you love, what replenishes you, what makes you tick?

Do you know what your limits are?

When I was a house officer, I used to feel sick with tiredness.

Now I know that lots of people found those junior docs here is really, really difficult.

I seem to find them more difficult than most.

I've since found out that I have ADHD and I really, really need my sleep.

Now, my family has joked all my life about Rachel being lazy, Rachel sleeping more than most.

But genuinely I needed it and having found out and knowing now what I know about ADHD, at that point I was not functioning as a human being.

But rather than accept that in myself and doing everything I could to get more sleep and more rest during those very, very difficult junior doctor days, I just beat myself up about the fact I wasn't like everybody else who seemed to be coping with the lack of sleep.

So knowing our limits, knowing ourselves is so, so important.

Next thing is we have to stop assuming that we know other people and we know what makes them tick as well.

We don't, we do not know much about other people apart from what we can see and hear in their behavior.

Even our nearest and dearest, we have no idea what they're thinking.

In fact, I remember hearing about a study the other day, where they looked at, who is the best at mind reading.

And they looked at couples on dates.

And they found that the people who were most accurately able to predict what the other person was thinking were couples on their first date.

You know why that is?

Because they asked each other.

They went to the restaurant that say, what are you thinking?

What do you think about this and that?

In the same study, they found that the people.

Least likely to predict what the other person was thinking were old, married couples.

You know, I think I know what my partner thinks.

I really, really don't.

We just assume.

We just assume that someone else is thinking this, that certain thing has had a certain impact on them, and we have absolutely no idea.

We do this mind reading where we assume we know somebody else.

We also assume we know what's going on for them, both in their personal lives or at work or with their friendships or in their family.

For most people, we have absolutely no idea.

And even when someone has confided in you, or even when they live with you, we still can't get inside somebody else's head.

We don't know what their internal state is.

We don't know what thoughts and scripts are running around their brain.

So to compare ourselves to them, and think, well, they're coping with that, why aren't I?

Is just ridiculous.

Again, it's like comparing apples and pears.

And so to say for somebody, well, they can do that career.

So why can't I, and I ought to be exactly like them in terms of my career progression, in terms of how many sessions I work, in terms of what I like to do, well, it's just ridiculous.

We don't know what it's like for them.

We can't possibly say it should be exactly the same for us.

So we need to identify when we're shoulding on ourselves with that Inner Critic FM going around.

We need to know ourselves and know what we like, what we enjoy, what we love doing.

And we need to stop assuming that we know exactly what's going on for other people, and what it's like for them.

Then we can start instead of using the should word, to use the could word.

And I love this because if you say to yourself, well, I should be doing my career, my family, my life in this particular way, then you're going to be lost all your life.

You're just going to be dancing to somebody else's tune.

But if you start to say to yourself, well, I could do it like this, I could do this, then that opens up a whole range of possibilities because yes you could, but you don't have to.

It's your choice.

And you can choose depending on all these other factors.

Depending on what you love.

Depending on what makes you feel good.

Depending on what you're really good at.

It's not often that you really love doing something that you're absolutely rubbish at.

That's your zone of genius.

And the more you can stay in the zone of genius, the better.

But it does mean that you have to make those career decisions by yourself.

It does mean that you need to make those decisions about how you're going to do family life by yourself.

You cross the road as an individual.

And it doesn't mean that you never consider other people.

No, of course not, of course not.

But at the end of the day, you cross the road as an individual.

The choices you make are up to you because you're the one that's going to bear the consequences of those choices.

So shifting into power language from using that well, I should and I ought to, into I could and I will.

Makes you feel a lot more powerful.

And the question I like to ask myself when I'm faced with something I thinking I should do, is think, Well, who makes that rule?

Who made that rule in the first place?

Who says?

Who says I should cause quite a lot of the time.

It's me telling myself I shouldn't actually, nobody else has really made that rule for me.

And when you're thinking about this, there are things that we can get wrong.

The first one I talked about is thinking that there is no difference between me and that person, even if we're working in the same practice with same gender, the same age, the same stage of life, we are still very, very different in our home circumstances, in what goes on for us, in the way that we've been brought up, in those stories and scripts that we have running in our heads.

So assuming that we are too similar to our colleagues is a trap that we will fall into time and time again.

So we think that what's good enough for them or what's working really well for them should also worked really, really well for us.

It does not follow.

We never know what is going on for them.

And more importantly, we'll end up following their success story.

For them, success might be earning a certain amount or living in a certain house or getting that sort of car or having this sort of family.

And it may be something completely different for us.

So thinking that there is absolutely no difference between us and the next person is a trap we can fall into.

Now the other trap on the other side of that is that we can fall into the trap of thinking, well, there's a massive difference between us and I should never take anybody's advice and I should never follow the wisdom of people that have done it before.

A lot of us do like to think.

It's totally unique and we can't take anybody's advice at all.

And it's been hugely helpful for me in my life to listen to mentors, to hear about what they've done, to hear their journey and their path.

But I have to be very careful about not putting too much thought on what advice they're giving me, because again, they've done a very, very different career journey to me.

They've done things in very, very different ways.

And they come from a very different place to me.

So I can learn from other people, even if I don't need to absolutely copy them or take their advice.

But I'll be really, really stupid not to listen to them, and for their advice, not to figure in my consideration of my life and my career.

And side note, I think the best mentors.

Uh, mentors that act like coaches.

So they are really willing to share their wisdom.

But they will not specifically give advice.

They will be curious.

They'll ask you questions.

And they'll share how it was for them.

Always acknowledging their own context and that your context will be different.

And I've experienced that myself.

I used to work at Cambridge university where I was assistant director of GP studies and I set up another doctor as professional curriculum.

And as part of that, I was developing training sessions.

I was developing reflective practice groups, and I really enjoyed my job there.

But I knew that I didn't enjoy my clinical work.

It didn't suit me, the specific work that I was doing.

And I had lots of advice from very well meaning mentors that I should at any costs continue my clinical work so that I could carry on at the university.

And I tried this for a long time, but it didn't suit me and it didn't fit me.

But at no point did anyone say to me, you know what, Rachel, you could try doing something different.

You could branch out yourself, and do something yourself.

I ended up doing it probably a couple of years late, 'cause I didn't even think that was an option.

I was listening to too many mentors, too many people who were very well-meaning, but looking at my situation specifically through that own sphere of experience.

And now doing what I do, I know that I have a lot more impact.

I know that I'm enjoying things a lot more than had I stayed in my clinical role in order to stay working in that particular role.

I didn't listen to my mentors at that point, although I really, really valued their advice.

Because you cross the road as an individual.

Another mistake that I think people make when thinking about this stuff is ignoring the time of life that they are in.

Particularly the time of life, where they have very young children at home, or perhaps they have significant caring responsibilities for a child with disabilities, or maybe an ill parent that they're looking after.

At these times and at these points, You'll get all this advice for people, but they have no idea what it's like for you at home.

Sometimes you just have to survive and do everything you can to get through and don't be overly ambitious.

But this is where the shoulds and the oughts really get you.

When you are a bit overstretched in different ways, and you're busy looking around other people thinking, well, I really should be doing that's that, that clinical leadership role that that person's doing, but you're struggling just to keep your shit together because you've got a child that's awake four times at night and you aren't getting any sleep.

At that point, please be kind to yourself, do what you need to do to survive.

Do not try and overstretch because of the shoulds in your mind.

Your time will come, but we ignore how stressful those particular times of life can be.

And get as much help as you can.

And another mistake we make is when we don't do something, not because we don't want to do it, not because it's not going to suit us, but because we're afraid.

So I might be stood at the edge of the road, knowing that I really wants across it, but I'm absolutely paranoid.

I'm so worried that the minute I step out I'm going to get hit by a car.

Now, of course, I'm not saying you go and do something completely stupid when you know, It's inevitably going to be a complete car crash.

Of course not.

But when we don't do things because of the fear of what might happen if we fail, then we're back in the powerless language of shoulds and oughts and perhaps I need to see this.

I need to do that rather than the power language of, I could do this.

Or happen if I do and let's try it.

And so often we stay stuck because we were so worried about what might happen if we do it, that we don't worry about what might happen if we don't do it.

Sometimes it's easier to stay stuck, but we don't really consider the impact of staying stuck for too long.

So you cross the road as an individual when it comes to your career.

When it comes to your life, when it comes to the way that you do friendships and families, it's up to you.

Don't do stuff just because you think you should.

Don't do stuff just because everyone else is doing the same thing.

Yes, listen to the wisdom of the group.

But no, don't take it aS gospel.

Don't take it as the only way you should do stuff.

Instead, thinks yourself, well, there's many ways that I could do this now.

There's several ways I could do life.

What's gonna give me the most happiness?

What's going to have the most impact?

Which version of me is this going to produce that's going to have the biggest impact on the world?

And we've got a tool which may help you cross the road as an individual.

It's called the Thrive Week Planner.

And it's a simple set of instructions with a couple of charts where you can plan what your ideal working week would look like.

There's some prompts, which help you compare it to your current working week, and there's some questions which are really can help you think about for me, what does a life and a career, and a work life balance look like?

Well, I'm going to thrive.

Well, I'm going to bring my best to everybody.

So you can download that in the link, in the show notes.

You cross the road as an individual.

You do life as an individual.

You know what you really want.

You know what you really need.

Trust that inner voice intuition and go for it.