Something's shifted in my podcast journey while recording "Different, not Broken" for half a year now.

I didn't see it coming.

Question is, did YOU?

So this is like a little bit meta, because I'm gonna talk about the podcast while we're recording the podcast.

Don't let it blow your mind too hard, guys.

But people are listening to this, and I don't understand why.

I'm just gonna be really upfront about that.

This is very meta.

This is a podcast recording about the podcast, and that's, like, very confusing.

But I need you to know that I do my best not to check our metrics that often, because I don't know if you know this, but I'm like, a tiny bit obsessive and I have a few control issues, like just a couple hundred.

And so when I start looking at numbers, I start, like, counting in my head and I do all this math in my head to try to figure out, like, how many listeners is that per day, per hour, per minute?

Like, it's like a whole thing that my brain does.

So when we very first started, I was checking a lot because that was like, the basis of my self esteem.

And then as we got further and further into it, I stopped checking as much.

And then I would go, like, probably an entire month without checking, which is really impressive and good because it's not gonna stop me from talking like, I'm still gonna talk like.

It's just somebody gave me a microphone, I gave me a microphone, somebody gave me a microphone, and nobody has told me to shut up yet.

So, like, I'm enjoying this, and I can't believe that is true, but I am enjoying it.

So I did check a little bit over the summer, and the numbers are kind of down.

But supposedly, according to our producer, that's like, normal, Which I don't know if that's true or if he was just trying to make me feel better about myself.

Parque no los dos.

Then I checked again last week, and we were number 47 on the mental health charts, and we had had like 6,000 downloads in a very short amount of time.

That means that people are listening to this.

And I was struck with a very, very distinct feeling that I have no fucking idea why, because, like, if I had to listen to me all the time, and mind you, I do, because I have ears and I say things a lot, and I even talk to myself when I'm by myself.

That's a whole nother thing.

This is not something that I would opt in for.

And yet people are 35,000 of you, to be exact.

I have a podcast.

I don't know anything about podcasting.

I don't know what makes a successful podcast I don't know what numbers matter.

I don't know any of this.

I only know what my producer tells me, most of which I assume are lies to make me feel good about myself.

So I don't know if any of this is doing well I.

Or compared to anybody else, which is probably a good thing, because the second you give me something to compare to, I'm gonna find a way to beat myself up over it, because brains are fun.

They're a delight.

All that to say we are, like, I don't know, six months into this process.

We haven't been publishing for six months, but I think we've been working on this for six months.

It's been an idea for, like, years.

But we've been actively working on this just about every week for six months.

And some of you are still here.

And I really appreciate that as much as if you come up to me in public, which I won't give you a lot of opportunity for it, because shoes and pants, no thanks.

But if you were to come up to me in public and say, I listen to your podcast, I would want to melt into the wall and die.

I would look for the nearest exit and be mortified, because the Internet is for strangers.

It is not for people.

You know, anytime somebody I know tells me that they engage with something I do on the Internet, I am immediately, absolutely horrified.

But thousands of strangers, no problem.

Oh, you want me to get up on a stage and talk to a bunch of people I don't know without any preparation?

No problem.

Show me the way.

Hey, these people who care about you deeply would like to talk to you for a few minutes by yourself.

Nope.

No, thank you.

That is uncomfortable.

I do not enjoy it.

Anyway, so some of you are here.

I guess many of you are here, because if you're here, you're here.

If you're not here, you're not listening.

So you're here.

And I appreciate that.

And I thought that at six months into the process, I would understand this a little bit more.

I would have a better sense of why people are here and why people like what we're doing.

I do not.

It is not better.

The only thing that has changed is that I have recognized and acknowledged that I actually like doing this.

And I'm not mortified by the act of doing it like I was when we first started.

But I am deeply confused as to why anyone is sticking around.

So if you have.

Thank you.

If you're new here, we're gonna get into some more shit soon, so thank you.

And if there's anything you want, like, anything you wanna hear, any guests you wanna see, any.

Anything, like, reach out, let us know.

Because I am open to ideas.

I'm open to just about anything other than shoes and pants.

I'll wear soft pants.

Hard pants are a no go.

I'm open to anything.

I can't believe it's been as long as it has.

And I can't believe there are actually people who are still here.

And I can't believe we're finding new people.

Like, we have not maxed out on the number of people who do not find me irritating.

And I really thought that number was like seven.

So unless all of you are hate listening, that's fine.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I appreciate you being here.

And reach out because we want to hear from you.

Let me mean it.