Welcome to our 100th episode of Become a Calm Mama! Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.

I also have my best friend, Tiffany Howsam, here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey. 

Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. 

How Trauma Informed My Parenting

When my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.

There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. 

One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. 

As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. 

I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. 

This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, 

When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.

As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. 

There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for. 

How I’m Healing From Childhood Trauma

There are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. 

A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. 

As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. 

I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. 

I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. 

Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool). 

When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action. 

Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you. 

How You Can Heal From Trauma

Our bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off. 

But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have compassion for ourselves and get curious about where it’s coming from. What is happening underneath? What are you protecting yourself from or running away from? What are you trying to create that is lacking? 

Be gentle with yourself, Mama. Doing something new is not easy. Learn to speak to yourself kindly. Bring gentle curiosity to how your childhood might be showing up in parenting and in other strategies you use in your life. 

Then, get some support from a therapist or through one of my parenting programs. Find someone who can give you a different perspective, awareness and the support to work through it. 

It is never too late to start working on this stuff - to figure out how you want to parent and work on your mental health and stress so that you can show up the way you want to.

Additional Resources:

• Learn more about adverse childhood experiences here 
• Take the Adverse Childhood Experience survey here
• Episode 81: The Inner Child  
• What Happened To You? by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey 
• The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté  

You’ll Learn:

• How trauma in your childhood can impact your parenting
• My story of childhood trauma and healing
• How learning the language of feelings is like talking about water
• Why healing your trauma and taking good care of your nervous system is so important for your kids
• How to start your own healing journey

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Alright. Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I am your host. I'm

Darlyn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach. And

today, I'm gonna get a little personal on the pod. I have

my best friend who's also a therapist with me. Tiffany, you wanna

say hi? Hi, everyone. Happy to be here. So Tiffany

Haslam is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She's a certified

life coach. She's trained in all the things. I mean, you're trained in so many

things. So many things.

And we've been friends for almost 20 years, and she's been a big part of

my journey as a parent. And I wanted to

share I wanna bring her on because I wanna talk about some things that are

Little bit personal, little bit private. Things maybe I haven't shared on the pod

before. Just about my childhood and, oh, I'm already getting a little

shaky. Yeah. Oh, well, it's vulnerable. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. So Tiff's created a really safe place for me

all throughout the years of my healing journey as a mom. And,

yeah, I just thought it would be nice to have this conversation with you.

For sure. So what we're gonna talk about is how

the The childhood trauma that I experienced informed

my parenting. Mhmm. And then a little bit about my journey in

recovering recovering from that trauma. Yeah. And

so we're framing most of our conversation using what's called

ACEs. So you do wanna share what that is just a little bit.

ACEs is a questionnaire,

that asks some you know, there's, what, 9 questions,

asking questions about your childhood and what they found that

there's a correlation between your ACES

score and, outcomes later in life

related to your health, including,

like, how How long you live? Mhmm. Addiction,

health related, issues. So they

there's There's just a strong correlation between that. What

Darlyn and I have also talked about is it doesn't mean that

it's, is It's a

sentence that you there's

opportunities to shift out of the chronic stress

that happens in when you go through

these you'll we're gonna go through the ACE questionnaire,

and you'll see the types of stress So

that can kids can be under and can continue for their

whole lives. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And it's like your

like you said, Your score is not a sentence in terms of, you know,

because you have these terrible things happen to you, you're

screwed. Right. Exactly. Like, no. This is just data an

information to understand maybe why you're showing up the way you're showing up

as a parent or in your life. Mhmm. Okay. So we're gonna. She's

gonna, like, rapid fire the questions so that you guys can

hear the questions in the ACE survey. And then,

and a stands for adverse childhood experience. Right. So,

it kind of I think there's 10 actually, 10 questions of different

childhood experiences that you may you have had, and you just say yes

or no whether you've had them or not. So Tiff's gonna ask them of me,

and then I'm gonna share myself, of my little my aces.

Okay. 1st question. Did you feel that you didn't have enough to

eat, had to wear dirty clothes, or had no one to Protect or

take care of you? Yes. We definitely grew up

poor, a single mom, 4 kids. And there

was a lot of times when there wasn't and enough food. When I was really

young, we had to have, like, the whole government cheese thing they

used to do in the eighties. And, yeah, there was definitely times

wasn't food. We didn't have laundry in our house, so I had to wear dirty

clothes. It was all very shameful. Yep. Yep. Okay.

Question 2. Did you lose a parent Through divorce, abandonment,

death, or other reason. Yes. So my dad,

my parents divorced when I was 4, and then my dad was in

my life until I was about 8. And then he,

ran from the FBI, This crazy story. And

abandoned our family, and I didn't hear from him

until I was 30 years old. So he left when I was 8, and then

we went into reunion when I was 30. So for 22

years, I had no idea where he lived or if he was alive or anything.

Okay. Question 3, did you live with

anyone who was depressed, mentally ill, or attempted suicide?

Yes. Because my His score is very high. Uh-huh. So 3rd

one number, yeah, 3rd number, and the answer is yes. My mom was

untreated, clinically depressed, for most of my childhood.

She went on Prozac when I turned 18, and it

changed her life and and and changed our whole our whole family.

But up until that, she was in major depressive episodes. And then

as well as recently, We've realized that she probably had ADHD.

Mhmm. And so it also created chaos Yeah.

Because she didn't know how to, like, manage Kind of all the stuff.

Yeah. It's a lot to deal with for sure. Yeah. Question

4, did you live with anyone who had a problem with drinking or using

drugs, including prescription drugs. Yes.

So, not to, you know, break anyone's anonymity, but

there are people in my family that I grew up with that

have, you know, addiction, and my mom was also in

relationships with my stepdad was an alcoholic, and he was very

abusive, verbally to me, which goes into another number.

Mhmm. So, yeah, definitely lots lots of

drugs, alcohol. All Mhmm. All sorts of stuff like that.

Question 5, did your parents or adults in your home ever hit,

punch, beat, or threaten And to harm each other. You know, this

one is tricky because not so much, like this is

more around domestic I don't know if you witnessed it with other family members.

Yeah. But there was, like

I I did feel like my Mom was always in danger with the men that

she was in relationships with, and so there was,

like, this veil of threat. So I don't ever really know how to answer that

one. Right. But just this Underlying sense of

not safe. Yep. Mhmm. Okay.

Let's see. Number 6. Did you Do you live with anyone who went to jail

or prison? No. What's your no?

Here's my one no. Okay. Number

7. Did a parent or adult on your home ever swear at you, insult you,

or put you down? Yes. My stepdad was incredibly cruel to

me and was just a

horrible person. And He lived with us from the time I was

8th grade until senior in high school. Mhmm. So all those teen years,

he was Yeah. Really, really terrible. Okay.

Number 8, did a parent or adult in your home ever hit, beat, kick, or

physically hurt you in any way? Yes. So of other

step parents, stepfathers earlier.

Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Number 9, did Did you feel that no one in your family loved you or

thought you were special? This is my other no because

that is one The thing that I talk about is, like, my

mom's unconditional love and, like, this, like, treasure

that she had in me, I think, was such a a

salve throughout my whole childhood that in some ways,

it almost was like a healing

healing balm throughout those Yeah. Yeah. Years because I just

felt like she just delighted in me. I could just sense that all the

time. Yeah. Yeah. And that was a constant for How are you?

Yeah. Number 10. Final question. Did you experience unwanted

sexual contact? You don't have to go into that.

But yep. Yeah. So I was

assaulted as a child and, had to do a

lot of work to heal I'm not Yeah. For sure. Yeah.

Oh. I know. So there's my score. There's my score.

8. Right? 8 out of 10. 8 at 10. Yeah. So,

what what I think is interesting about ACEs is that,

like, maybe you to listen to those questions, and you had a couple numbers

if you're listening to the pod. And, you know, you might go

like, Oh, well, I'm not as, you know, I'm not as fucked up as Darlyn,

so I have nothing to complain about. Or, you

know, oh, and I didn't have any of those things, but I still, you know,

feel unsettled in my life. And it doesn't mean that you

don't have stress test or that you don't

have struggles Right. Because your ACE score

isn't high or maybe it's really high I and you feel really embarrassed

right now or overwhelmed. If that's the case, just stop the

podcast. Go take care of yourself. D. Yeah. Yeah. And I think

also we'll get to it, but

that, we will I'll talk about ways

of feeling better, healing. So if you can hang in there,

there's good stuff. Yeah. Good. Yeah. The First

time I took the ACEs score, I was actually at a parent when I was

doing my parent training in nonviolent communication, nonviolent parenting,

and they had us do it. And I was,

like, in shock. Mhmm. I I had no I never

seen I knew, like, I had Had all these

childhood adverse childhood experiences. Mhmm. But

I had never seen it like a list. Right. Like Right.

Here are the 10 ways kids get fucked up in childhood.

And then how were how were you? And then to Have it

scored like that? Right. And then be told, like, any number

higher than 4 is, you know, extreme,

you know, high risk. I I I really was,

it was it was Tough to see it and hear it. I can imagine.

How did you take that in, and what'd you do with

it? Well, I was just in a an environment of, like, trauma

informed space. And so when we did it, there was

room there to talk about, you know, the the

results, and I think it was you know, we kinda wrapped that day up and

I went home And, you know, I I just I came home. I had little

kids at the time, but I cried and and just kind of really grieved

Yeah. A lot of Yeah. My Childhood in a in a new

way. Yeah. Yeah. But it gave me also I think besides,

like, the grief and shock of it, it also gave me the

A perspective of, I

don't know, like, that I

like, I had gone I went through all those things, and I was still okay.

Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. Not grateful, but, like, I just was like, oh,

okay. Like, this happened. These These were hard things and Right.

But I'm okay. Yeah. I don't know if it's both. And the fact that you

were in a class Yes. Mhmm. Learning to do

something differently. Yes. Yeah. Learning how to parent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

yeah, learning how to parent and not bring what You

have learned from parenting for maybe

keeping the delight and love that your mom showed you, but Yeah. Without

all the other things. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And

so, I just know Darlyn and I met

When our boys were, like, 2 Yeah. And

I remember meeting you

doll. And, you know, from the outside, like, you were

someone who presented as

So confident and, had it all together

and knew what you were doing. And

I think you looked at me and you were like, oh my gosh. That woman

needs help. Needs help.

Her son was just, like, When I you all have some of these

spirited children that are very, very high for you know, high

energy, big personalities. Yes. So when When

did it first come up in you that you

realized like, oh, I I need some

care. Mhmm. Well, really, I mean, I've shared

this on the pod before, but when Lincoln was, 4,

he was having these, like, crazy meltdowns, he was starting to get trouble in preschool.

He was aggressive. You know, he put sand in Elsa's eye, you

know, around that time, your daughter. And and

He was as aggressive toward towards his brother, his little brother,

and I I just I I felt so like

you know, I remember this one moment Went where he hit me,

and I hit him back. And I just was like, what is

wrong with me? Like, I just felt It's so terrible. And I

was screaming all the time. It was like secret shaming Yeah. Yeah.

You know, thing. I actually remember this one time you and

I, we had this little group called MoFib. It was mothers mothers of

first born first born boys. Yes. Yes. We made it up,

and we would get together with some other friends of ours. And I said to

Tiff, I said, you know or I said to the group, I was like, I

just feel like a victim sometimes. Like, I'm being abused by my son. Mhmm. And

we walked out of that restaurant, and then we're in the parking in law, and

you said to me, hey. You know, that's not normal.

And, you you know, you you said you don't have to

feel that way. Yeah. Like Yeah. Something more might be

going on with Lincoln or Mhmm. For you.

Yeah. And I drove home that And I was like, oh, I never

knew it was normal. That's the thing about having a high ACE score is you

don't know what's normal, what's not. You don't know what's good, what's

dad. Where where are you okay? Where are you not? It's

very hard to gauge because there's no I had no mental map of, like, positive

at a parenting. Right. And so when, you know, someone you trust says,

hey. You know, it might be outside of norm here. I was

like, oh, maybe I need some help. Mhmm. And that That is that's kind

of the the catalyst for me was you saying, you

don't have to feel this way. Right. This this isn't normal, but not not

a judgmental I just really loving. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I I remember you

I I don't remember at point this was, but I remember you

going to some workshop and then

doing parenting classes, like A nonviolent

parenting, which was always, like

this has always impressed me about Dar is that she like, Like, when

she realizes there's something

she wants to work on or some system isn't working, she, like,

figures it out Like, no one I've ever met before.

And so all of a sudden, you were doing the work you

needed to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And And and has you've

kept doing it. Yep. I got into, like, my 1st parenting workshop,

and I just was like, I'm gonna learn everything

I could ever learn about And in typical style for

me, I also as soon as I learn something, share it with everybody I know

because I can't stop talking. So yeah. Of course, then every

one of my friends is now, like, you know, this is the process. We all

did at the classes. Yeah. For sure. All the

workshops. But, yeah, There was this 1 this 1

workshop that I did that really kind of was my first, like, inner child

work. Yeah. And I went and to it and

talking about what was happening for me when Lincoln

was being aggressive Yeah. Is that that I would feel

like I was being attacked, that I was in danger, that

Right. Right. And I don't think subconsciously I only Like, consciously, I've

made this decision, but as a little kid, 12, 13,

I kind of created this armor of, like, no one is ever

gonna hurt me. Yeah. And it Was probably the beginning of my

vigilance. Mhmm. Okay. And

then I have a kid, and my kid is hurting me.

Yeah. Like, he's not because he's 4, but, like, he's also

kicking and hitting and Yeah. You know? And I

I just didn't know how to protect myself

without protecting myself. I didn't know how to yeah. Go ahead. Well, I was just

gonna say, like, that part of you rose up. It it

it didn't matter who was in front of you. That part

was gonna protect Do you no matter what? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We have those adaptive skills. Right? Like, when we're

kids and we're going through difficult things, we

these systems of protecting ourselves, and and it

is about survival. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. It's like we

have these beautiful coping strategies. That's why when I talk about

parenting, I'm always saying, like, well, your children, they're doing the

behavior because because there's some sort of inherent wisdom or care there

or strategy to cope. Yeah. And we can

give them better tools. Yeah. But for me,

whatever I developed as a kid, those were

strategies that served me, that helped me, like, make good decisions,

and, you know, not see myself as a victim, not see see myself

as empowered. Right. A 100%. But then when you're a

parent, that Power isn't doesn't really serve

you anymore. Like, it's not Right. It's you don't wanna power oh, I don't

wanna power over. Right. Right. You didn't want to be treating your

kid Mhmm. That way. Yep. Yeah. Yep. But didn't know how to do it differently.

Right? Like yeah. So I had to drop a lot of those Strategies and

learn new ones for sure. And,

the I think in general, like, The way

that those adverse childhood experiences, that trauma

showed up for me is that I didn't

really Ever developed, like, an internal locus of

control or self self security. Yeah. I never

really I felt safe in my body or in my

environment, in my relationships. Everything always felt

dangerous. Mhmm. So I was

constantly seeking the security Right. The sense of control.

Right. Yeah. Outside of myself, like, through other

means. Yeah. And and also,

like, I guess it would be perfectionism, But it wasn't like I just tried to

figure out what what's the only way what's the way that I can

Mhmm. Be okay? Right.

And What are the rules, and what what are how you're supposed to live?

And and if I followed all the rules and I figured it out and I

cracked the codes in every environment, like, how do you take care of a house?

How do you feed yourself? How do you what are you supposed to wear? What

are you how are you supposed to look? How are you supposed to talk? Yeah.

I just feel like I never really knew how to do any of those things,

but If I could figure them out, then I could be safe. Right. There's so

much work. I hear you say this. Like, there's so much

energy and Mhmm. Work and, I guess

I don't know if it felt this way to you, but it it sounds stressful

too to, like, constantly be having to work so hard

for your safety Yeah. For Or a sense of control. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a

I think of it as the monitor. Right? It's like this

internal manager or monitor who's constantly

evaluating me in comparison to my environment. Right.

Do I need to take more power here to feel better? Mhmm. Or

Do I need to be less less than myself in

order to be accepted? Yeah. So the internal The feeling

of belonging, the internal feeling of security was absent. Right.

It was coming from the outside. From the outside. So then you have kids

And Gosh. It's like, there's so little. Yeah. There there's

so little that we have to to we can't. They're humans. They're

having they're children. They're immature. Right. And so it's

like, you know, whenever they were loud, whenever they hit,

Whenever, that you know,

I had to make a decision about where they should go to school or where

should we live or What enrichment and all these

decisions, and I'm never feeling like I know what to do. I

don't know what's Right. And I'm like, what is everyone else doing, and how do

I know? Right. And then their behavior, of course.

It's like, I don't know how to parent. I don't know how to not yell

at them, so then I'd yell and I'd feel shame and then I'd beat myself

up, but then I'd be like, but they're bad. And I just all in my

head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then feeling

like again, like, I don't know that this

was true for you, but I'm just thinking about, like, when you feel out Control,

and then you're trying to control your environment, and then you're trying to

control your kids. And it's just a recipe for disaster because,

like, You can't control your kids. If I want to

ruin their nervous system with fear Right. Then I can.

You can. Yeah. Yes. Because I was controlled. Yeah. Right? In Yeah.

In the chaos, but in certain aspects,

you know, People treated people adults treated me

poorly Mhmm. In order for them to feel whatever they needed to

feel and and really dee. Kind of

preset my nervous system at high cortisol, and

I don't wanna do that. I just I know people listening to this podcast. Test.

You you mama who's sitting in your car wherever you are, you're like, no. That's

me. I don't wanna I don't wanna fuck my kids up. It's a thing we

don't wanna do. It's a thing we don't wanna do, and we can Have, like,

the best intentions not to do that, and then we're

triggered by something and it brings that old wound

up or that old stress response, and then we're in it. We're doing

the thing that we don't wanna do. Yeah. You know? That's why

Dar's This work is so important for me. For me. No. It's for

sure because it's like my

insecurity well, Oh, I mean, I want to

say this. When you don't have, like, healthy parents,

you actually really don't know what to do. No. There's no template.

No. Yeah. So that's why I created the Come on Processes, as

I call it now, because I really needed a template for myself and my family

to figure throughout how we should do it. Yeah. And, you know, of course,

it's helped me and, like, you know, at this point, thousands of people. Yeah.

But, for For me,

I I wanted to create a template Mhmm. That

actually focused on emotional health. Right. That Right. It

wasn't just around behavior modification. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And and that a big part of

it is calm. That's why this podcast This is called Become a Calm Mama, and

the programs are all about that. Yeah. Because to me, the

calm in my programs is the emotional healing

Mhmm. And then, like, the the re parenting that happens

Mhmm. In order to heal from from our

Yeah. Adverse childhood experiences from our trauma. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. So are there other ways that

you would like to that you've touched on a

lot, so this isn't like you should. But are there did it

show did Your trauma show up in other

ways for you throughout the years. Mhmm.

Well, I mean, I mean, I I could talk about

within parenting and then also with outside outside of parenting, but

I definitely have in recovery for eating

disorder. And I've talked about it on the pod so you guys know.

And there's episode coming out with, Victoria Yates where we talk about it

even more. But I I think

for me, the the some of the

trauma I had a lot of disassociation Yeah.

In my My childhood, and so that means I would separate from my

body, and I would disconnect from my environment in

order to feel safe. Mhmm. And but then when I

was disconnected from my environment, I was in danger. Mhmm. Right.

Right. Right. Because then I'm not in vigilance. So for me, the eating

disorder stuff is, like, just this toggle between,

disconnecting from my body Mhmm. Just enough, Mhmm. But

also aware. So this, like, space of hunger, it's

very weird, but this little space of hunger that I

toggle right at is, like, sort of my

safest pace. Right. That's so weird to share on the parenting podcast. But

Yeah. So with like, that's kind of in

in other ways to, like, maybe in, In

friendships, I can see sometimes I'm very people pleasing. I wanna make

sure I'm liked, I'm Yeah. I fit.

Yeah. If I don't feel safe, I back off

Mhmm. Mhmm. Real quick. Mhmm. If I don't feel like My kids

are safe in environment. I'm out. Yep. Yep. So

that that just that high sense of vigilance. Yeah. Yeah. I hear that.

For sure. Mhmm. So How

you've you've done the parenting workshops, the parenting

classes. You've read so much. Mhmm.

What else? How else have you healed? Well, I

think about, like I was when I was doing some research, not research, but,

like, prepping for this. I was thinking about, like, what it is that I was

afraid of repeating in my family. Mhmm. Like,

what am by avoiding. What am I like, not

running away from, but what is it that I don't wanna recreate?

And, I mean, obviously, the list is,

I have it here. Like, it was like abandonment,

depression, And drugs, threat of violence Yeah. Putting

my kids down, hurting them, not letting them feel

loved Mhmm. And then keeping their body safe from sexual

abuse. Right. All the aces. All the aces. Right? Definitely wanted to make

sure I touched on all those. But Uh-huh. For me, I felt

like I grew up in a chaotic environment, like,

Predictable Yeah. And uncontrolled. Right. And that is

a that is really the core of stress. Mhmm. Oh,

yeah. Right? Like, when You feel unsafe. Mhmm.

If you feel unsafe and you feel like you

aren't sure what's What's gonna happen when you're in that vigilant state?

Yeah. So I was really focused on, like,

not having chaos in our family. Mhmm. And I married

A very, like, you know, metronome type

of person. Very stable. Very stable. Stable. Like, the most

staple. And, and I was drawn to that in my twenties because

I I was looking for a model of, like, how do you do that?

And so I wanted to Have them feel safe and

that they could know that their world was predictable Mhmm. And

that their world was reliable and that they had agency.

Yeah. And I I felt like of course,

my my mom didn't really yell. T. I wish she I

wish she did, actually, because I she just felt, like,

so not not not there. Not there. Yeah. And, like, also,

like, like a child. Uh-huh. Like, you didn't have

a grown up in the house? No grown up. Yeah. So I think I

almost to, to demonstrate strength

Right. And power. Right. But I didn't Really wanna have that

environment where my children were powered over that way. Right. Of course, wanted to

protect them from, you know, being Being shamed being being rid of

you know, being like, their self esteem being attacked.

Yeah. So when I was making In my parenting

decisions, it's like, okay. These these are like, I always say, emotional

health was my parenting goal. That's like my standards were

lower in or areas

because everything trumped their well-being, their

emotional well-being. Mhmm. And maybe to a fault. I

don't know. But I just wanted them to

feel safe and Yeah. Held and Yeah. Cared for. Yeah.

And, like, you and Kevin

were providing already so much of that. Like, You you had a

stable place to live. You could put food on the table. You

had clean clothes. Like, you had all those basic

Needs met. So it was I you know, the emotional

part Mhmm. That the emotional Well-being their

mental health. Yeah. I mean, I never, like, got too crazy about

having them be, like, in

sports or Mhmm. You know, we're get they're gonna be excellent at

anything. I I didn't I don't I don't know. I didn't really have it in

me to, like I wanted everything to be Simple

and and flow and anything sort

of outside, like, too extreme. I it it didn't feel good

in those especially Those early years when I was still doing so much of my

healing work. Yeah. Yeah. Because I started this work this level

of work when Lincoln was 4 well, pretty much five. I've

Yeah. And he's 19, so 15 years. Yeah.

So, of course, I'm in such a different place now. If I had another baby,

I'm not having one. But if I had a baby now, of course, I

might have a different capacity. For sure. But

those years, I needed to establish routines.

Yeah. Like, these are some of the things that I did to make

make it so that I could heal my nervous system Mhmm. With within

parenting and pair them without creating

pain. Mhmm. So having having routines,

like, kind of we come home, We put our things away. We have a

snack. Just all that predictability Yeah. It it was

reparenting me. It was really safe for me. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.

And, I mean, maybe to to too much

extreme possibly, like, with naps when they're little, you know, we all get so Yeah.

I think that's just Yeah. We get They're gonna not

be good tomorrow and not exactly. Yeah.

But I I just I just think about it now, like,

How much those types of, you know,

routines, traditions, bringing meaning, trying to find, you

know, the family table. Yeah. You know, I think you and I

both did this, but, like, we would light a candle Yeah. At dinner to

signify that dinner was starting and Yeah. And that's when we were

focused. And so, you know, highs and lows, thrown the roses

and thorns, those Those little games you play Mhmm. Because I wanted so

so seeking family, but there was a little bit of rigidity in it early on.

Yeah. And I'm not judging it, but I I can see that

it was a strategy that I was using to to heal. Yeah.

There's a lot of beauty in it and it's There is a lot of beauty

in it. And I think, you know, as parents,

and it's all new to us. We're we're looking for, like, how do

we do this? Yeah. Right? Like, how do we create What we

want and sometimes we don't even know what we want. You know?

So, yeah, I think it's understandable when we can

go a A little bit into rigidity and then And then move

out of it and yeah. Find the Yeah. Flexibility. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, really Simplifying our life, was really

important to me. Working on my mental health, I,

spent a lot At a time, journaling, reading books,

doing, like, you know, workbooks you would get,

you know, like and I would, like, do them. I would read the parenting book.

And, like, answer all the questions and

spend that time. You know, I didn't have to work Work outside the home, so

that was a huge blessing. And I could instead of focus

on homemaking or, you know,

maybe, like, my working hours and like that, I would just really spend

time Yeah. Working on my mental health Right. A lot. You were

Dedicated to that kind of cookie. I mean, I did,

like, 40 days of silence. Do you remember that? I remember that. Yeah. No. It

was always, like, you would make a decision. It was impressive. I mean, like, you

would have a real intention Mhmm. Behind it, and you would do it.

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm gonna learn all about limits. Yeah. And then

I would, like, study Yeah. You go to training and Uh-huh. Yeah.

So working on my mental health, and then,

like, knowing Knowing learning how to coach my kids to their

feelings was just became so important once I was introduced

to just the concepts of, compassionate parenting

that I was like, okay. Whatever is whatever this is called

where you narrate what someone's feeling, where you're honest with them.

Mhmm. You talk it through. There was so much

confusion in my childhood. I never knew what was happening. Yeah. And nobody

Nobody talked about anything. Right. Nobody language for it.

Yeah. No language. No one's talking about it. It can be

Oh, lonely. Yeah. So isolating in those

moments. Mhmm. Yeah. So I was, like, kinda made that It meant

that I would be, honest with my

kids. I wouldn't dump my feelings on them, but we would just it would be

like, yes. The dog Dog is sick. Like, I'll just be really honest and talk

about the things. Like, yep. It's hard. Daddy's working this

weekend. He's not coming, and that's challenging. Yeah. Just kinda

narrating circumstances and naming the emotions and, you know, that's

the core of of connect. So calm and connect

were the things I was focused on. Question And about that, did you have

to learn how to do that? Like, learn how to narrate, learn

how to say what your feelings

were? Or, like yeah. Yeah. No idea. Yeah. I mean, I think

about, like sometimes when I talk about it on the podcast, I'll say, like,

learning language is like learning how to describe Water. Because we

have so many different ways. You can have a pond. You can have an

alpine lake. You can have a stream. Yeah. You can have a swamp. Mhmm. You

can have a creek. And when I Say these words, they mean something. You make

sure that Right. Right. Right. We have a mental model for what they are. For

those things. Yeah. And they're all they're all water. Water. They're all

bodies of water, ocean versus sea, and feelings are

the same. Yeah. It's like, I know what it

is. Like, I I know, like, if I saw a lake, I

I would know it looked different than a creek. Right. But I wouldn't know

what's lake and what's creek unless you give me language. Right.

Right. Right. So I didn't know what it was all called for

sure. And I think most Most of us don't know what it's called. I think,

you know I mean, I think our kids are gonna grow up knowing, but

Yeah. Our generation, maybe the generation

below us also, like, there wasn't any of that for most of

us. No. There's not. There wasn't that Emotional coaching where you knew what you

were feeling and could talk about it. And Yeah. When I ask

my clients, I'm like, you know, how are you feeling? They'll be like, I feel

Like, I have so much to do. I'm busy. That's, like, oh, those

are thoughts. Yeah. You know, those are circumstances. Those are

situations. Though that's not necessarily a feeling. Like, the feeling

is overwhelmed because I'm thinking I have so much to do. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, I definitely had to learn it for myself And then learn how

to, do it in children's language. Right. And I remember Right.

Learning to do this with my 1st attachment therapist,

Jennette. Yeah. And she said, just start sad, mad, glad,

scared. Yes. Keep it to the basics. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like,

okay. You know? But I I I did I didn't do it by

myself. I didn't learn it all in a vacuum. I had attachment

therapist. I had you. I had people in my life that I

could Trust that that we're further along in the healing journey than me.

And so that's why I think going into programs like coaching

where I'm sure getting a therapist is so valuable. Yeah. I did a lot of

it by myself because I think I've always been an internalized Yeah. Coach.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. We've been an internalized coach, and you

also, like, go deep into the research. Oh,

yeah. I do. I do. So I I think,

yeah, those those, like, early years really folk

prioritizing my mental well-being, prioritizing my parenting.

I as of now that I've done it for so long and I

my kids are grown. Sometimes I think we we tend to do this when

our when our kids are older. We look at parents with younger kids. We're like,

don't worry so much. But it's not, you know,

relax. They all grow out of it. And it's like, I agree,

but I think you do put in the work. Yeah. You put And the

work. You put in the hours. Yeah. And it's like, these are the years, you

know, if you're walk if you're listening and you've got, you know, 3 to

10, you know, and you're like, no. What? I wanna do it. Of, you know,

I don't know what I'm doing. It's like, get it into the emotionally healthy

kids class. Like, take the class. Yeah. Figure it out. Get some Yeah.

Even a teenager, I think it's never too late. I I sometimes will say,

my mom started working on her mental health when He was

50. Mhmm. Like, really Uh-huh. Really growing in

it. I think, you know, when she went on to, get the medicine

Uh-huh. Listen Uh-huh. She got and and started to find some tools.

She healed, and the rest of my family healed. Wow.

It's it doesn't matter when you start, but it's okay. You're

gonna go back, and you're gonna explain your childhood to your children,

like their childhood. Yes. It's always good. It's always good. Always good. Yeah. It's

always good. Too late. Yeah. For sure healing.

Yeah. So those are the choices that I I made and that I

think Help me get out of the trauma response,

the overreactivity, the hyperproductivity,

perfectionism. Yeah. Just They're yeah.

Like, almost like I think toxic stress is how they're calling it. You

can Yeah. Speak to it as a therapist. But, it's like we have

post Traumatic stress disorder, and now there's more language around

chronic stress. Yeah. And and then toxic stress is

really, like, kind of the The environment

Mhmm. Right. And when you think about a little child Yeah. And if

they're if they're the incubator

Right. Is stressed, then Their nervous system is going to be preset.

Right. And Right. Gonna have to heal their nervous system. Yes. And Yeah.

That's I I I think that's a big part of what reparenting is is healing

your nervous system, like, taking good care of your nervous system. Mhmm. What

that is because it's It's different for everyone. Mhmm. Right? Yeah. I mean, we have

to but I think I agree, and also I don't in that we all have

a nervous system and it works in a certain biological way. It's just finding, like,

what Are those specific things for you that work best for you? But,

yes, there's some It's like you gotta use your body.

Exactly. Always have to heal through your body. You always have to heal your thinking.

Mhmm. Like, if I Yep. The belief system. Belief system. So if I'm walking around

the world thinking nobody likes me and everyone's mad Me. Yeah. And then I

better protect myself. Right. Well, I can retrain myself to

think maybe not everybody's mad at me. Right. Maybe everybody thinks I'm

great. Yeah. For

sure. One of my coaches, she says that she thinks to herself, people

are so nice to me, and it's like people are pretty nice to

her. Yeah. Yeah. And it it's like yeah. I

can Think, like, no one's mad at me or it's okay if someone's mad at

me. Yeah. Yeah. Learn new thoughts. A 100%. Mhmm. Like

right? Because if there's those we all have them. We all have

thoughts. But if there's those deep ones, like, I'm not

lovable or I'm not worthy of you or I'm not good enough

really? Those. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. So, yeah, we can

definitely learn to reframe those

or Yeah. Just figure out ways to connect with our body. I

figure out ways to connect with my mind, and that's when I talk on the

parent for the podcast. I'm, you know, really

wanting to say, like, behavior is It's a strategy. Mhmm.

Right? So that we can learn to depersonalize it. Yes. And not think it's being

dis they're not being disrespectful, and they're rude, and they're sociopath, and homeless. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, they're impressive. Instead of labeling it and and judging

it, it's like getting curious and curious. Yeah. So so I think

in The parenting we can reframe, that can heal our relationship with our

kids Mhmm. In in our in our personal lives. That's

and then That's right. I think of it like

Mhmm. There's

there's clues. Yeah. There's clues 100%.

That we're not well. Yeah. And we can look at those

clues and and see them as

information. Yes. Like, if I'm being aggressive with my son,

I'm yelling or I'm being, you know, physical or I'm

emotionally checking out. I'm on my phone all the time. Mhmm. Not paying attention.

Right. I say I'm gonna get something done and I don't.

That I can look at those behaviors and say, oh, Something's wrong with me.

Right. Let's just go to judgment. I'm a terrible mom. I'm a terrible wife. I'm

a terrible friend. I'm a terrible worker or whatever.

Or I can be like, Well, what's the wisdom in this? What what's happening

underneath? Where what am I protecting myself from? What am I running away

from? What am I trying to create that's lacking. Yeah.

So what I hear you saying Mhmm. Is instead of

judgment, you just go to curiosity. Sunny. Mhmm. Yeah. I always think that

Yeah. Is the way to, like just get curious,

like, what how am I showing what's going on? Yep.

And that awareness is is so valuable

if we can be dental. Mhmm. A 100%. It's

like, I can be really aware of my shit, and I can just judge

the hell out of Mhmm. But that's not really gonna heal me. Right.

Right. It like, if that's you can be aware, but

not be Yes. Mhmm. You know? So you you do wanna come from that

place of, like you said, gentle curiosity. Yes. Just like

what you know, what's What's the

message with this? What's going on? What do you need? What are you needing?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So beautiful. Yeah. And then I think

I think of that as radical self love. Mhmm. When I

think about the things that have healed me, I have these for, like you know,

it's radical listening, radical honesty, radical

self love, and radical action. And I I think that when

I look at my trauma

recovery and my journey. It it's like,

what What do I need? What am I listening for? Yeah. What do I really

want? Who what's happening here? Mhmm. Being really honest with

myself, truly, like, Not being afraid of what the

answers are because of that radical self love. Right.

It's like they all 3 go together. I'm willing to

be Honest with myself, I'm willing to trust my

love for myself and listen Mhmm. To what I'm

saying and then Take new action. Right. Right.

Which is the result based part

of the work. Yeah. Right? It's like doing the new thing.

Yeah. Doing a new thing, which is not

easy. No. That's Why we need the capability and coaching and support

and Yeah. For sure. You know, community of people that are doing it with

you. Yeah. And, Yeah. When you take an action or you

don't show up the way you wanna show up Mhmm. Forgiveness, self love, and

start again. Self love. Yeah. Curiosity again. What was all about. Yeah.

Let's listen. Let's be honest. Yeah. It's I often

think of it as, like, it's like showing up for yourself how you

wanna Show up for your kids. Mhmm. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Or how you wish

the adults showed up for you. A 100%. Yeah. Like, what do

I wish Yeah. The adults in my life would have said or done? Mhmm. How

can I do that more? How can I do that for myself? I've been

practicing with this concept. I shared it a couple weeks ago in the

podcast, but there's This concept called KIST, which

is kind internal self talk. Mhmm. Love it. And

then I've been practicing with the concept of KEPT, which

is I'm external parent talk. Oh, okay.

I like that. Yeah. So it's like learning to speak to yourself

kindly. Yeah. Like, that Kind internal. Like, what do you need?

What's going on? You're really, you know, you're really upset right now. What's happening

for you? What's bothering you? Or, like, With parenting, like, okay. This behavior

is annoying. What do you wanna do about it? Like, let's figure it out.

And then whatever you say to Your kids becomes

their internal voice. Yes. So that's why

it's external. It's like kind external parent talk. Yeah.

So when your kid's having a meltdown or they're overwhelmed or their behavior is

frustrating, it's not permissive to come alongside and say, what

do you need? What is happening? What's going on here?

Yeah. No. I love that. Yeah. And I

think sometimes it's It's easier for us to do

the external parent talk Mhmm. At

times than to to

ourselves. Yeah. Mhmm. That's because you're not a parent coach.

How that you think it's easier because I know some of you are listening, and

you're like, It's real hard for me to be nice all the time. Well, believe

me. Like, I've had my fair share of times where it's not easy

at all. But we do see our children as children. It is. We do love

that I personally yeah. Which is different than what you're say I'm

choosing you, but Yes. Different than what we do for ourselves because we're not

all that, We're not that kind.

I know. We're not that kind to ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, you're that's I

wanna wrap it up. I feel a bit like I don't know. Kinda

sad that this That's gonna end soon.

Because I could talk to Tiffany all day, every day for hours and hours of

all this. We do. We talk about all this stuff all the time. For

Yeah. So I think I like to give a little takeaway at the end. Maybe

you'd like to offer a little advice or, like, you know,

what's what's your takeaway for healing from

childhood trauma? Well, I mean, I

think, honestly, Dar, you've you've been, like, an incredible

example of how some for real. How heels.

I mean, I've watched you do it, and I've always just

been so, like, astounded that

you've, like, been able to do that and come from all that

you've come from and show up for your kids

and all the other mamas You too. Yeah. Yeah. So I

guess activities takeaway is just keep listening to the podcast. Listen

to Dar. She will teach you all the things. So Oh, buddy.

Yeah. Thank you. I really appreciate that. That's true.

Yeah. It's been a interesting road for sure,

healing. Yeah. I think my my

recommendation for anyone listening is

is to be so gentle with yourself Yeah. As

you Come to terms with maybe your childhood and

maybe seeing how how it might be shown how your

maladaptive Strategies might be showing up in parenting

and and just approaching it with, like, that gentle

curiosity Wondering Yeah. You

know, What's this saying about me? Where is this where is this

pain coming from? What what is this what do I need here.

Right. You know? Right. How was I protecting myself, right,

all along? Yeah. Yeah. And then and then working with

therapist or, you know, joining one of my coaching programs

and and getting support because

when you have have a lot of difficulty in your childhood.

It you have blinders. I think there's some Yeah. Things that Yeah.

Are hard about Kinda you you don't know what's normal,

what's not. You need someone who says, hey. The way you're feeling, like you're being

in an abusive relationship with your four not normal. Yeah.

Yeah. And then it's like, oh, it's not? I don't I

like, someone who can come and bring that awareness. So getting support, getting help

is so Important. Yeah. I

couldn't have said it better. No. It's true. All that Dara is

saying like, as As a therapist, all that she's saying is

a 100% true. And, yeah, I

think think being if we can start with being really

kind and curious with ourselves and trying to figure

that out and getting the support. Yeah. And you're off to a good start. Yeah.

Yeah. Just do it. Yeah. Well, thanks for

listening. Thank you, Tiffany. My pleasure. Being my friend forever

Oh my gosh. And and also being, like, this amazing gift in

my life that I get to have your love and brain And

Oh, it's mutual. K. We'll end the love fest.

Yes. Thanks for listening. If you have any if anything

came up while you've been listening to this podcast, I'm

more than happy to chat with you and, you know, you can

book a complimentary consultation with me. I know some a lot of you are

listening. You, like, can't quite believe that you could get on a Zoom call and

talk to me, and you can. You just Just go to my

website, and there's, on the podcast, there's a place

to connect. And you can book a call, and I'll be happy

to share more, listen to you, Talk about my programs, see if

they work for you, or refer refer you to something else if it's not a

good fit. Care about you so much, mamas.

I'm so grateful Tiffany's here, and I really just wish you

the best week. Yeah. Have a good week, everyone. Alright.

Bye.