This season finale conversation is between all 8 colLaborators, in the very final moments of our time together in the Lab.

We wander together through reflection on what this experience was to us, who we were to each other, and what our early experiment findings have been. 

Thank you, listeners, for being a part of our process in this alchemical season!

What’s to come from this temporal collective of artists in the near and far future? Will there be another season of lab partners? Will the colLaboratory run its experiment again with new scientists? We’re excited to find out with you. 

If you loved Lab Partners, we’d love to know. Leave a rating and review, drop a comment, tag us on IG, or send an email to kelseyrosetort@gmail.com to be shared with the group. 

Find out more about ColLaboratory and each of the 8 Lab Partners at kelseyrosetort.com/labparters. There you’ll find our astrology, designs, little bits of bios, and information about how to be in connection with each of us through our work.

The laboratory is a space of intimacy and mirroring.

I'm just gonna rip with it and see what wants to come out.

Something's happening.

I was just thinking that.

A lab.

Partner is someone who I can share.

My incomplete, uncooked, unfinished work with.

Laboratory feels like laboratory in general is a womb space for all of we.

Are mothering and creation.

I'm having an embodied experience, stretchy like.

Vibrant in this container so far.

Relating in ways that feel energetically congruent for me.

Relating to other people and relating to.

Myself and in collaborative community as a.

Human will help me find the lightness and like the humor.

The creative process is fucking dope and also it's fucking like humbling.

To fall.

Apart and be witnessed by all of us.

Laboratory.

A laboratory.

A laboratory is an incubator, a place to generate, to initiate, to guide, to mirror.

Collaboratory Stretching my capacity.

Lab Partners was a behind the scenes conversation series amongst eight folks who were in a season of experimentation with creativity, authenticity, relationship, collaboration and visibility.

We hope you felt resourced by being led into our processes as we unpacked them together.

Today's conversation is between all eight collaborators in the very final moments of our time together inside collaboratory.

You'll drop in just as we've completed some song based ritual.

Our conversation begins in reflection of that ritual and gradually shifts into a wider reflection on what this experience was to us, who we were to each other, and what our early experiment findings have been.

As the conversation closed, so did Collaboratory.

We'd like to thank you listeners for being a part of our process in this season of alchemy.

What's to come from this temporal collective of artists in the near and far future?

Will there be another season of Lab Partners?

Will the collaboratory run its experiment again with new scientists?

We're excited to find out with you.

If you loved Lab Partners, we'd love to know.

Leave a rating and or review.

Drop a comment, Tag us on IG or send an email to kelseyrosetortmail.com to be shared with the group.

As always, you can find out more about Collaboratory in each of the eight lab partners at kelseyrosetort.com labpartners there you'll find our astrology designs, little bits of our bios, and information about how to be in connection with each of us through our work.

I'm wondering if anyone else is feeling like sharing it all on what that that last part was like.

Or taking a moment a moment there.

I know that wasn't necessarily the intention.

I loved getting to have the experience of listening to Amalia and singing and feeling my.

Like, feeling the resonance in my body and hearing Amalia.

And then as we all came off of mute, there's something that I feel like collaboratory for me in so many ways has been such a.

Such an experience of getting even further into my body and my experience of, like, how energy moves through me.

And that felt like such a cool, tangible experience of that.

Of getting to especially notice how it comes out my throat.

So I love that.

It did feel really representative of my interpretation of our experience in collaboratory of, you know, that adding what we all do and, you know, listening for and, you know, finding our voices, hearing one another's joining in.

I thought it was like a cool.

It felt like a cool, low stakes, solid representation practice of something that I found myself practicing a lot throughout this experience.

I think there is, like, a metaphorical way it was showing up, but it was also showing up for me in a very literal way where I was really in a season of experimentation with the stuff that was recorded specifically in blurring my own dualistic orientation to whether I'm dropped in or not, whether I'm embodied versus distorted, and, like, learning.

The instance that kept coming to mind was the first episode of Lab Partners that Steph and I recorded that never got shared, where I was, like, dissociated on the call and had this experience of being able to get dissociated but come back.

And then I felt like that happened so much in so many of my calls inside of collaboratory.

Like, I was able to be both dissociated and not and, like, feel myself leave what felt like my integrity and my home frequency, but also somehow stay tethered to it even when I was gone, and also somehow still feel like I was channeling an integrity even when I was gone.

So, yeah, it was just kind of interesting to be singing.

And it felt low stakes.

And I had lots of moments where I was like, oh, where are we?

But then I was able to, in real time, just keep coming back to my own pacing and my own frequency and my own voice.

So I know that wasn't.

Yeah, kind of an.

It was a kind of an accidental intention, but it felt really cool to get to experience that.

So, like, viscerally.

And it felt like practice.

It felt like practice of a thing that I practiced a lot in this container.

It was a nice micro of this macro that I keep noticing, like, for my open mics, sometimes there's themes that I'm just like, I don't want to write about that and, like, I really feel strongly about it and I see myself through it anyways and end up writing about it.

And when you shared the lyrics and you were explaining what we were going to do in Malia, I was like, I don't want to do that.

And then, like, I started, like, humming to myself.

And then from, like, humming to myself, it was easier to, like, get into singing with everybody.

Yeah.

And it's like.

It's the same, like, resistances that I feel through, like, my creative.

My creative process of, like, I'm working on something that matters to me.

There's a point there that I'm just gonna be like, I don't want to do any of this.

Like, and I just get, like, tantrum with myself.

And, like, I navigate me to it, like, through it.

And, like, this was, as you said, Kelsey, like, very low stakes.

You know what I mean?

We're just playing.

This is how this space has felt ever since its conception to me.

Yeah, I had a similar experience, Mario, of like.

Yeah, like, singing in group always takes me to, like, different moments in time.

And so I had a little bit of resistance as well.

But what was coming up for me was, like, the remembrance of, like, I. I join in when, like, my body's ready to join in and, like, the dance between, like, like, witnessing and, like, feeling you all and then, like, bringing myself into that, like, mix and then, like, coming out of it.

And, yeah, I think, like, I'm really feeling.

I'm feeling the disengage energy in my own life of just, like.

Yeah, I'm, like, ready to really be with myself for a bit, and I'm ready to hear just my own voice for a little bit.

And maybe, like, that's internal, maybe that's external, but it just needs to be my voice.

And I think there was a long time where that felt like there was a lot of shame attached to that.

Of, like, why can't you stay committed?

Like, why can't you stay invested?

And there's just something about.

I don't know what happened between us where it's like, oh, yeah.

And, like, we get to ebb and flow in relationship.

We get to come in and out as our body is, like, available for that.

And so the.

Yeah.

The song together, it felt like, for me, one of those micro moments of, like, yeah, I don't have to be in 24 7.

I can be in and out when it's correct for my.

Yeah, I really resonate with what everyone's sharing.

Yeah, for me, it was this, like, this dance of it was quite, like, cacophonous, and there were these moments of me getting lost in the other and then coming back to myself and then getting lost and coming back, and then even that sense of, like.

Like.

Aaron, dear, what I'm receiving from what you're sharing of, like, that, like, hearing myself was not only literally hearing my voice, it was like, hearing when it was just time to be still and when it was time to listen and when it was time to plug in and when it was time to come back.

And, you know, I'm so grateful that I had, like, the drum here, because that was also.

It was like, now it's just time to drum, and now it's just trying to be with that, you know, and so, like, all of these different ways of, like, both being really tuned into my own listening while not being separate and.

And.

And.

And While also engaging and just, like, noticing.

Noticing when I'm a little forward, a little back, and that.

That kind of constant dance of recal.

Something I noticed was.

That y' all were a lot quieter, like, both in, like, once we started, like, I really.

Like, once everyone joined in, I really had to, like, be diligent about, like, I was, like, patting a beat on my leg, and I was, like, using that to keep myself on beat, and I, like, really, like, had to intentionally turn away a little bit and, like, intentionally mute you all in my head in order to focus on, like, what I sounded like in order to keep, you know, going on my beat.

And there wouldn't have been anything wrong with joining you all, but, like, I was trying to do that.

And I think the piece that feels significant to me is that, like.

For.

A hypervigilance that I'm used to holding in community, I'm so tuned in to everyone else.

And I think there is a sacrifice of, like, listening to myself.

And that sacrifice is that I don't get to be as hypervigilant.

And that just does feel like something that I've played with so much in collaboratory, and it was long enough that I got to play with it in different ways.

I got to be like, it's fine.

I can just drown myself in the discord for a few days.

That's fine.

And this is fun.

And then I got to be like, okay, wait a minute.

What do I sound like?

But, yeah, I just.

I think, like, it's, like, blurring.

The duality is so real.

And also, like, being with, for me at least, like, my body feeling like there's.

There is, like, a choice sometimes to make that's like.

Yeah, like, it's okay.

I'm not gonna lose you all.

I'm not gonna lose my belonging.

And I do.

I do need to let go of, like, hearing everything that you're saying right now and every nuance of what you're saying in order to hear myself sometime.

Sam?

Yeah?

I think that word belonging, Amalia, is, like, part of what.

I don't know if shifted is the right word, but I definitely came in with a sense that the way.

Like, the way most people use belonging, like, something has always, like, it's just, like, felt off for me, and it's been growing for a number of years.

And, like, what does it mean to belong in community?

Like, what does it mean to be.

Yeah.

Apart.

And I think one of the things I really experienced in collaboratory is that, like, belonging, like, belonging isn't like a flattening of self, you know, it's not like assimilation.

Belonging isn't like, everyone being the same.

This.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just felt like that word was really starting to crack open for me and.

Yeah, I don't know that, like, belonging feels more like.

I don't know.

I guess it just.

Like this.

It felt so rare.

It feels so rare to be able to just be myself and to, like, move as my body wants me to move, and that when that's in tension with other people, that, like, that's not something that needs to be, like, fixed, you know, that it's okay if there's difference.

It's okay if, like, what my body's saying and your body's saying are not in agreement.

Like, it doesn't mean that, like, either one is untrue.

It just means that there's difference and that, you know, I think I really needed to feel like, belonging in this way.

And I'm gonna stop there.

Something that comes up for me or that was coming up for me when you were talking, Aaron Darrow, is the idea of pacing.

Like, I think pacing is something that I.

That got really loud.

I mean, whatever.

Pacing has been loud for me in my life, but I think I got, like, a precision of understanding what.

How big of a deal pacing is to me and my listening to myself during collaboratory.

And this is, I think, the only container of anyone that I've ever been a part of that.

Like, truly, there's eight of us here with eight different paces, and it was, like, totally fine and not externally imposed for us to go at anyone else's pace.

And that left me to just see how much was left for me, about feeling, like, all the stories of I need to be this other pace.

I need to be this other thing, because there was no external imposition whatsoever.

There was such an expectation set of do your own fucking thing.

But, yeah, I guess I just wanted to offer this other constructive pacing because for me, that felt so intertwined with belonging, and I got to look at it a lot during this time together.

Yeah, there's something here about, like.

Because I was, like, at the beginning of the call, I was, like, tapping on my chest, and I found myself, like, doing this as you were singing Amalia and just kind of tapping and touching my own fingers and hands.

And, like, there's something there about how we've all maintained our tempo through, like, collaboratory and, like, that part of, like, belonging, not being all of us getting on the same tempo and, like, trying to keep some sort of rhythm that is across the board for, you know, like, expected, but rather it being like, okay, where are you at?

And, like, I can choose to hear you.

I can choose to, like, give my attention and, like, tune my ear in, or I can choose to, like, step back and stay with me, or I can.

You know, there's a myriad of ways in which that could be engaged with.

And, yeah, there's just so much value in knowing that there are spaces that you can go for to be witnessed and to, like, talk through things.

And also there's space to take a step back and, like, that feels very safe for.

For me and, like, being able to, like, take my steps back and, like, that being okay and not having sort of good or bad, like, label astronomy.

I've just been thinking about how.

Oh, I'm, like, so jittery, Okay.

Around the topic of belonging.

Like, if a group that has belonging conflated with assimilation, like, if that's what the group is about, then difference is not welcome.

And often that also means that, like, difference or, like, being able to integrously relate to difference is not, like, a valued skill in that group.

And so I think, like, when community is when we're, like, in collaboratory exploring, like, what is belonging and community and being together, when the foundation of each person's, I don't know, like, orientation to self and also skill set and proficiency and capacities are, like, coming with a foundation of self awareness and responsibility and a capacity to relate to difference and, like, a desire to relate to difference.

And so I'm just.

There've been.

It's like we.

I feel like we have talked so much in collaboratory about what we've Each or I certainly have, like, what I've gotten from it.

And I maybe don't always mention how the foundation that we all came in with was, like, such a huge part of how I feel.

Like I've been able to explore my own relationship to belonging.

Amalia, similar to what you've said, where it's like I'm figuring out what's all mine because I feel safe assuming that the other person is clean wherever they're at, like, wherever they're.

Whatever they're doing, or that if we're having some sort of a conflict, that they're going to have the relational and communication skills and availability for us to know, navigate that together.

So.

There's something showing up for me.

There's like this contradiction showing up.

I'm thinking astrologically in a way, about the 11th House of shared vision.

It's like, traditionally, typically it's thought of as the house of community, but I like to reframe it for myself as like, the house of a shared vision and allyship.

And that's really redefined for me what community means, because I think people project a lot onto community.

So when I simplify the concept of community and my own awareness to being about, I have a shared interest or shared vision with this group of people, like, there's an affinity between us.

It helps me feel more clean in my boundaries around community.

And so then when I think about what has been the 11th House shared interest for this group and like, things I know based on my intention and initiating it and things I know based on what I've seen and heard from all of you throughout, including today, I'm like, well, the shared vision, the glue, if you will, for collaboratory has been like autonomy and self accountability.

But then the contradiction is like, there's a group accountability in that, right?

And that's where like, some of this stuff that's been coming up is like, of like, there's nowhere to hide, you know?

And like, what Nick just expressed is, well, if I'm not.

If it's clear and agreed upon, if the 11th House contract is clear and agreed upon, that like, we don't distort, we don't move from obligation, guilt and pressure, then what's left when I watch myself still moving from those places is mine.

You know, there's something I wrote this morning that I just want to bring in here is we have to build capacity for autonomy and freedom because embracing these things in relationship and collaboration is activating.

Actually experiencing autonomy and freedom in community brings shit up.

It brings everything up.

It's destabilizing in ways and potentially restabilizing in other ways that was feeling relevant in this moment.

And yeah, just the contradiction of like, actually there was a group commitment in this container.

Actually it was just a really different kind of group commitment than I think most of us have experienced in containers where belonging means assimilation.

But in this container, belonging meant.

Your.

Unique fusion of assimilation and non assimilation according to what you wanted to experience in any given moment.

Been thinking so much about like library, just this push and pull between Aries and Libra of like self and then other and the contracts that come alongside that.

You know, like, as you deepen into relationship with people, like, the depth of gaze, the depth of being seen also grows.

And like to be able to say, like, I feel, you know, like whatever.

I feel destructive, I feel sad, I feel rageful, I feel really like, you know, watery and not like congealed, you know, like, there's been so many shapes that I feel I have taken through collaboratory and like showing up every Wednesday and being able to just be however that came through, you know, to like the highest degree of my.

Myself, my own self containing and my own self having while also being able to share with you.

All that has been so valuable and so like, so interesting to.

To like Libra balance it, you know, and how much of an active thing that is to balance anything.

Like, it's not a.

It's not passive.

It's something that is constantly having to be adjusted and it's just about checking in and like, if you're curious asking and if there's something there, prodding and maybe also like, if you're set, you know, if there's a sense of just like I need to fall back, like just saying that, that being okay.

I'm thinking back to time in college and I was in a play and we had a guest director and she came in at first and she said, okay, what I'm really going to need you to do is really put all of your stuff to the side for this.

So that was like the.

The first night of rehearsal we had this talk from her.

And then the next night it happened to be 9 11.

And so we came back into rehearsal and we like did it.

We put it to the side and did the thing and.

And afterwards we got this.

Well done everyone.

You really put all your stuff to the side.

And like there was something.

I really remember it because I remember there was a wavering in the director's like, ooh, let's see here.

Is that really Is that really what we want?

And of course, like, that was a different scenario.

Right.

It's like we're putting all our stuff to the side to do this thing together.

That is.

That's.

That was our agreement.

But now like, to think of it in creating in this new way where actually that's one thing that's really shifted for me in collaboratory even before.

I would say before this.

I've been like making peace with my emotional wave for a while now.

But like, to really understand it and value it so much more fully as like.

No, no, no.

It's.

It's.

Everything is here to contribute to the thing, to the, to the creation, to the container, to our little community, which feels so much more whole to me.

Right.

This is my gathering theme.

But yeah, it's increased much more.

Something that.

Feels really alive for me and which I hear as a thread kind of running through is.

And even stuff like what you're touching on of like.

Of like there's information in all parts of us and like everything is sacred.

And like to be in a group of people who have like, who I feel a devotion and a reverence for each part, for the sacredness of all parts of us and like an intimacy with all parts of us.

Like, that allows for um.

Like I think about the ways that each of us have come in like energetically diff.

Different like people coming here.

Hi, I'm.

They haven't slept in days.

Crying over here.

It's like the difference and like the way like, for me it's just like shows like, like the loudness of, you know, fucking colonial homogenized, like ways of being.

Of showing up together of it like needing to be this like, pretty put together kind of present.

And the ways that, like the ways that like everyone can actually be exactly as they are.

And there's a containment within the container.

Like, Like I don't feel like this leaky kind of energy of like someone trying to fix or make something better or make some, you know, do some subtle manipulation because like, they haven't seen.

Are they.

Because there's like some.

Something that they're, you know, that, that, that, that for me, like, I'm trying to like, get met through.

Through having someone be another way.

And so there's like a containment.

And in that containment we're all allowed to like.

Yeah, as Maru was saying, just like show up exactly as we are.

Yeah.

Okay.

This phrase keeps popping up into me and it's like we have become reliable co regulators for each other in a certain way.

And Like, I just.

I think about how children are raised all the time.

And part of what's really just become so clear to me in collaboratory is how much I did not get to have the experience of being like, feral and free.

Just, like having a space where I could show up fucking full feral and free and people could hold their own responsibility for themself consistently enough for me to discover what do I do with all of this shit that wants to come through when I'm feeling feral and free, like, when I'm at the fullest of my anger, like, I have yelled literally at the top of my lungs more while in collaboratory.

As a part.

Of me for the, like genuinely get my body getting to have for the first few times in this 40 year long life, like screaming when angry and just letting it come through unfiltered.

And then it.

Link.

I just saw in the.

In the text here.

Sorry, I got distracted by the chat.

Okay, I'm back.

I feel like I have gotten such an opportunity here to show up.

Like, by feral and free, I mean, like doing all of these experiments that y' all have watched me do over the last few months and just coming down and being like, coming through and being like, this is what's happening now, or like, this is how I'm feeling and now I'm doing this thing and.

And not only did you not meet my mental story of like, definitely these people are not gonna like you, and it was just like, oh, no, actually it was like endearing.

It was like a Me showing up more and more in my own energy was attractive, magnetizing, one might even say.

And I had not had a space to practice all of those things where I could feel a relative sense of nervous system safety to do that and to feel like I can do it in front of any one of you all because I know that each of you has yourself.

I really feel like there's been this theme that's been carrying me through, like all of the death of this season that I've been experiencing and holding.

And it's just been this like, really loud reminder of, like, in order to like let energy move, we have to crack open, but in order to crack open, we need to be held.

And I feel like the experimentation that I so deeply craved, like, it took the kind of holding, like Kelsey, that I feel like you initiated and offered, and then all of us, like, really took up the mantle of, like, the kind of holding I experienced here.

Like, it took this kind of holding for me to feel safe enough to like, go as Wide as I did.

Like, I tried so many things, both in, like, the ways that I showed up and, like, the things that I took on and, like, the things I tried to create.

And I have been so scared to do that.

And I just, like, I really needed this space to do that.

And like, it's been so helpful in that meta learning to like, just really, like, really, like, in an embodied way, understand, like, yeah, I can do this, and this is how safe I need to feel to do that.

And this is what makes me feel safe.

Molly, I'm wondering if you have any, like, example that you wanted to speak for and if this is, like, something you tried.

I guess my curiosity has really piqued for anybody.

What did you try because of the safety of collaboratory.

Cool question.

No answer.

Just want to say cool question.

Yeah, I love that.

And I also want to hear everyone's answers.

I. Maru, do you want to jump in?

No.

If you have it, you should go.

I mean, one thing.

I mean, I think the thing that I'm thinking of the most, like, truly I've tried so much stuff, and I just keep seeing things that are, like, happening in my 3D life that also are, like, everything that I put on the padlet at the beginning has happened.

I've been thinking about that and yeah, just so much stuff in my 3D life that I also think that I've tried because of the energy of this holding container.

But I think within the container, I'll say the biggest thing that comes to mind is my voice is just out there.

I've been on a lot of episodes.

I have this talk show, which is so funny to say, and that's so, like, that feels like a really big deal for an Aquarius that, like, likes to sit in the back of the room.

And yeah, that's.

That's the thing that comes.

Comes to mind the most in this moment of.

Of what I've tried.

I was thinking as you were speaking, Amalia, about my physical therapy and about how it's been such a, like, very physical, like, talk about someone holding you while at the same time stretching and like, breaking tissue.

That has been sort of tight and, yeah, at attention, you know, for so long.

So it has been a very, like, physical, I feel, manifestation of, like, on a level as I have been working on, like, my projects, which I have shared some, you know, just how.

How deeply it goes into memory and family and growing up and like, and the most basic of relatings that all of us in, in some capacity have access to and how that like, has.

It's so much about responsibility that I've taken on, like, literally things on my shoulders and releasing that and, like, navigating, being with you all on.

On Wednesdays and, like, being somewhat available, you know, through my weeks.

And just, like, how that has been a.

Like something.

It's.

It's just that.

That, like, protective versus openness of it all.

Like, it's been a lot about just, like, seeing my.

My own inclination to close versus open and how I can help myself through that and, like, while at the same time showing up at, like, my open mics and at the same time showing up with my.

With my writing.

Yeah.

I tried.

Yeah, really stepping out of my identity as a therapist and more into an identity as.

As an artist and thereby realizing, like, how much all of it, you know.

I'm thinking back to our first conversation, Kelsey.

Just, like, how long has this been in me?

Since the beginning.

Since the womb.

Since I was in my mother's womb, this all has been added.

Adding to what.

Who.

To who I am and what's coming through.

And I would not have done that without this container.

Something that brings me a lot of joy when I reflect on collaboratory is I can feel each of our little beings as, you know, stones, like, skipping in the water.

And I just think about the ripple effects of this.

I think about this as a.

As a collaboratory, as a place of practice, as we've talked about.

And.

The unfathomable impact, like, that this is having as we move in our own quote, unquote, separate bubbles and communities and the ways that, like, we are, like, through the.

Through this, like, really rare and precious opportunity to be in this container of practice.

Like, it feels so.

It just feels like I just feel into the specialness of it, and then I feel into, like, like the work that we're.

We have done here.

And.

Yeah, and then just, like.

Then just the incalculable, like, impact of that, you know, quote unquote, outside of here.

And I feel like it just brings up so much.

Just brings up so much gratitude for.

For the.

For the chance to.

To.

To.

To do this.

Like, like, how rare it is to actually, like, do this and practice into this and, like, have it be.

I think.

Yeah, I'm just thinking back to Kelsey being like, yeah, we have to kind of, like, third line some.

Like, we have to be in.

We have to third line some shit, and we have to be in.

In.

In this process, like, putting our body through it.

And for me, this has been an opportunity to put my body through an experience that has been really mental, has been really intellectual, has been really, oh, I read a book about the thing and okay, New ways of being and okay, cool community, cool.

And it's been this like, you know, and that's fine and we love that shit and it's fun and there's something to the of it and yeah.

And I, so I just really.

It's very tender and touching for me.

This comment that I'm about to say.

It doesn't quite feel like it belongs in this moment, but it feels relevant to the third lining.

But another phrase of the third lines of which there are none of us in this room, another keynote is bonds made and broken.

And I'm thinking of that as we're in this space of yeah, we're also going to have to experiment at this thing.

Bonds made and broken.

Where we're here, we've been together and now it's like there's going to be space and we're not going to be in the same like rhythm and like that.

There's a lot of wisdom also to be learned in like the space apart, you know, in like the integration time in the.

Yeah.

In the connections with others and the cross pollination that happens when we like go and be in relation with, with others with this like newfound sense of like self responsibility, deeper self awareness.

So that when we come back together we're like, we'll be re entering as like different people.

Like there really is something.

Like this container is done.

Like we won't be these people the next time we meet up again.

And that is scary.

But it's also like exciting and beautiful that like we'll continue to evolve even when we're not like an embodied presence with each other.

But then when we are in embodied presence with each other again one day, like we'll just have more.

Like there will be more.

I'm so glad you said that, Aaron.

Deira.

I feel like I got to just watch my, like I just had a whole thing happen inside of me around you being like it like bonds made and broken and like this is ending.

A part of me started bubbling up like, oh my God, like this is really ending.

But then I got to have the cool experience of some other part of me swooping in and being like, yeah, but remember, this is different.

Like literally this actual group is different.

And I get to tap back into that sense of like relational safety that we've co created together in order to like bolster me through the part where I'm like, yeah, dude, this feels like, uncertain AF in terms of, like, what will come.

But I feel so.

I think it's that I have so much trust in each of us that I'm like, the uncertainty doesn't feel as scary.

So I appreciate just getting to watch myself live process that.

I feel like so much of creativity or like a big aspect of creativity is like, there's like a spark, there's a lifespan, and then it dies.

And that's just real.

And I think I've been saying this everywhere in this season, so sorry to say it again, but I think, Yeah, like, practicing death and like, practicing goodbyes is so, like, it has such a huge impact on our lives.

And it has an impact on our lives, like, full life.

It has an impact on our.

The many lives we live within our life.

It has an impact on the lives of our relationships.

And I think even in this moment, knowing that this container had an end and taking that ending seriously, taking that ending intentionally, this too feels part of our practice.

Sa.

I've been thinking a lot, this whole conversation about compulsion versus spontaneity.

And I think I brought this up to you all at some point in the journey.

This is Moshi Feldenkrais, and Budway and I have talked about this concept quite a bit.

Feldenkrais writes about how.

I mean, I don't really know what Feldenkrais says.

I have assimilated it from what Budway's assimilated and then applied it to how I think about human design and the mind and freedom.

But the application of these concepts of spontaneity versus compulsion in this moment is like, we're not free when we're moving compulsively, but we might move in the exact same way spontaneously.

And that's freedom.

And I'm thinking about, like, the threshold of this call for us and how, like, after today, we'll be showing up because we want to, not because we think we have to, even more than has been the case throughout the container for us.

And that's kind of connected to this thought I've been having listening a lot.

I'm like, there's like, this metaphor showing up for me.

That's like, in clearing the compulsions which human design speak, I would say, are like, are not self behaviors that we identify with and have, like, are doing so much to challenge our beliefs that it has to be that way, that we have to think that way, that we have to move through the world that way.

That's the compulsion.

Right?

And like, I'm back with some more contradiction here.

To say that, like, actually, I want to make more bonds with the Maya.

Like, I want to compromise more.

Like, I want to.

I want to.

I'm bored.

I'm bored.

This is why Collaboratory came through me.

I'm bored of the radical level of self attunement and non compromising that I've been doing for the last several years in my life.

And I want to compromise more because it's fun and because I'm bored.

And so that's a lot of what this season was for me.

And I was even accidentally reflecting to Budway last night.

I didn't realize in the moment, but I realized this morning that it's connected to this closing reflection I'm having with collaboratory that I feel kind of sad that I've had a little bit less energy and attention to put on the tiny little microcosm of my home and family life.

Because North Node in Pisces, in the fourth house, I've not been someone to gain a lot of sense of fulfillment and peace just from my tiny little microcosm of home life for the majority of my life.

And in the last five years, and then especially, I think with Salimah being born, I've been this con.

Sorry, it's all coming out.

This concept of wherever you go, there you are.

Right?

Like, I can point my energy anywhere and my cosmic curriculum will unfold no matter what I'm looking at, no matter how involved I am socially, relationally, career wise.

And I've had this, like, beautiful little pocket of my life right before collaboratory.

And in the beginning of collaboratory, where I was like, wow, I don't need anything except my house and my partner and my baby and the few people that my second line body allows inside.

I don't need anything else.

Like, it's all right here.

Trim the fat.

There's so much fat.

And then I.

Like, last night, I found myself telling Buddha I kind of missed that.

Like, I've been a little bit less fully present with my tiny microcosm.

And I really liked the simplicity of when I got everything I needed from that, even though it was so surprising to me and so unlike past versions of myself.

And so I'm realizing that, like, well, I'm not realizing it.

I've known it all along.

And I'm realizing that, like, I was making a bond in this season with, like, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna expand my selfhood and my life a little bit further out than I have been for some time.

And, like, there are sacrifices with that.

Like, it's been harder to self attune.

It's been like, I get tangled up and then before I have time to fully detangle, I'm getting tangled up somewhere else.

So it's been like a more complicated process of coming home to self.

And it's actually not been efficient.

Like, I'm tired.

And I think especially because I've learned the lesson, wherever you go, there you are.

There's a part of me that's like, what's the point?

I could have faced this cosmic curriculum in my tiny little microcosm.

And I think I know that that's true because fractals, et cetera, et cetera.

Um, and yet I still find myself here.

Like, I'm excited to keep going because there's parts of the experiment that I set out to have that like, that didn't get to fully happen.

And I think, like, one of the big lessons for me.

Sorry.

Okay.

I was.

I was hoping I'd be able to just share in fragments, but it needs to come out, I guess, as a monologue.

I was reviewing the slide that I shared with you all, like, at the.

On the very first call that was like, here are the three kind of prongs of the experiment I'm wanting to have with collaboratory.

Collaboratory.

And what I put as number one was like, experiment experimentation with like, structure for collaborative creative output and collaboration and exchange.

And then the second one is the one that like really fucking happened.

Like, this one stepped forward to claim its space.

And that was like the womb space of like, relating rehab for those of us that are really prioritizing self attunement and strategy and authority and trusting our body and autonomy and like the culture of autonomy that we built in here and the way that having that culture of autonomy re negotiated our each of our orientations to belonging as has come up a bit on this call.

And then the third one was just like, kind of creative.

I think I phrased it as lending my fifth house, Aries Stellium to you all to light some fires.

And I feel like that second one just was like, here I am.

And so in my kind of aftermath, looking at the lab results, if you will, I think part of what I have seen, part of what the experiment showed me is how fundamental having a sense, a culture of autonomy is in actually being able to explore, like, organic creative flow and organic collaboration.

And I think I'm also seeing, like, I think there's a little bit of second line obtuseness here for me, where I.

It's like, it's so natural for me to like, I don't feel like I have a choice but to be me.

We can see it in all sorts of ways.

Looking at my mechanics and astrology, it's not a thing I effort towards.

It's a thing I can't help.

And so I think I'm learning how radical that actually is and how rare that actually is.

And there's a part of me that's impatient because I'm like, I just want that.

I just want to be in that kind of relationship everywhere I go.

And so collaboratory for me has really been.

It's really tested my patience with that.

And it's shown me like what is actually needed in order to establish like a true.

A true sense of autonomy.

To come back to spontaneity versus compulsion.

I was writing down like awareness as a paintbrush and I was thinking about that in giving ourselves the opportunity to do all this, practicing and experiment with autonomy inside of a relational matrix and seeing what comes up and confronting those things and clearing like codependent compulsions.

I think here's the contradiction I meant to bring up however many fucking minutes ago.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I'm seeing this like I still actually do want to compromise.

I still actually do want to.

Like I still want to paint with those colors that I was painting for before, from.

With before.

But I want to do it because I want to, not because I have to.

And until we show up in ways that force us to confront our own role in the compulsive behaviors of doing things because we think we have to, we never get to access moving through those same motions, painting with those same colors from a place of freedom.

I think that's as close as I'm going to be able to articulate the thing I'm trying to say.

I still want to paint with the colors of self distortion sometimes.

I still want to paint with the colors of being too in my head, caring too much about you all, doing too much as a non sacral.

But I want to do those things because I understand that it's a part of life and that I want to do it intention.

I want to do it with an intentional like bargain to it.

And I feel like that's.

That is.

That's what I got to try in collaboratory was compromising freely, compromising spontaneously and yes, choicefulness.

Choicefulness in the choicelessness.

Yes.

And I want more of that.

So yeah, take your space, etc, etc, but I'll be back in your inboxes pretty soon.

I think.

With even more like agency and spontaneity than before.

Oh please dear God, someone reach out and touch me so I don't have to sit in the discomfort of the aftermath of that by myself.

Thank you.

Well that's that to me that that speaks to like that's when the game gets really good.

Is like we, you know, that's when the perfectionism breaks down.

That's when it's like oh okay.

Know the rules to break the rules and the like oh we really there we've have this guy.

We have these guides.

Yep, safe enough to crack.

We have these guides to help us to attune us to the home frequency and then we get to play.

What you're talking about to me is play.

Which I've been grateful to do.

When you're speaking.

Kelsey.

I was thinking about my sacral experimentation and just like that opportunity to go fall into.

Oh like is it exciting?

Like.

And that sometimes to me feels like isn't scary.

And if it is scary and exciting then like there's something there that is worth for me to explore and just like maintaining this openness to then be able to touch things that I'm then able to respond to as if I'm so preoccupied my own story so that I'm like not even looking ahead and not even seeing anything.

You know, not even reaching out.

Then like there's.

Yeah, I'm not going to find anything to respond to and I'm not going to find anything to feel magnetized towards.

Yeah, this feels really to me relevant to what we're seeing.

But I want to bring in this possible question of what were we to each other.

Womb echoes.

Secure attachment.

I was saying that we were like an eight headed monster also when we were singing earlier so.

But my.

My head is on monsters.

Do you guys ever think that we're all just like so neurodivergent that actually all we were was just friends?

This is how we describe friendship.

It's so much better to just be like we're monsters together.

I think we're re defining friendship.

I don't know.

Or deconditioning it or healing.

But yeah, that's it.

Remembering it maybe.

In the remembering putting it back together.

Way.

I would call us a collective.

Divination.

Grid workers.

Mosaic monsters.

Playmates in the sandbox of autonomy.

Pieces of me.

Cc ashley simpson.

I'm getting like padded walls for other non third lines.

Third lining resilience bumper rail.

I was thinking of like when I'm hiking and the light is coming in through either the leaves or even coming in through a window.

You know, like, light reflects and retracts and does all of these things.

And, like, we are each of us, a little ray of light.

I've been thinking more and more about this 3D.

Non 3D.

Like, is it even a line?

I don't think so, but there's.

There's some kind of spectrum.

And this group has.

Has just challenged me so much to, like.

Like, I've done a lot of online stuff.

I've learned online a lot.

I've, like, been in different types of things, and I've never been so, like.

Like, I've never wanted to touch my digital friends so much.

And, like, I really have in ways that I haven't before.

But I think it's just really put me into, like, I don't even know what the words are.

I just, like, it's brought that duality up really very strongly for me.

And even in the ritual that we did earlier of singing, there was for me, such a different kind of experience.

And it felt clunky for me, coming back to our vibe.

And to me, I was thinking about it and I was like, yeah, but because we were in, like, it felt like I was more.

I'm not accustomed to being that in my own 3D ness with you all.

Like, I.

Like, there's a certain level of 3D Ness I kind of depart from.

Like, I've noticed I can't really be on these calls outside, because outside I'm a little more brought into my 3D, where, like, I have to actually depart from it a little bit to, like, impart into you all.

And I'm just saying kind of, like fragments here.

But I think I've just really, like, this has been a container to notice all of this, because I do feel like you're my real people, friends, community, and you feel very important and close to me.

And you're on my computer.

Sam.

Thinking about, like, what you shared.

Kelsey, still keep going back to the original questions to see if, like, what's coming up for me is, like, connected.

But I don't know.

I think what.

What kind of stayed with me is that you, you know, you came in with, like, particular experiments that you wanted to kind of play with and that there's still, like, on this.

On this other end, there's, like, still experiments that, like, feel alive for you and also was just kind of reflecting on that for myself.

Like, there was a lot that happened for me in collaboratory, and, like, one of the, like, for me, it's Just like, this theme of resource that keeps, like, coming up.

And it's, like, followed me through collaboratory.

And, yeah, I was.

I'm, like, always thinking about money for lots of reasons, but I just remember feeling like my hesitation in joining collaboratory was not, like, it was not really relational.

It was, like, financial.

And, you know, like, part.

Part of this for me was, like, taking, like, the risk with my resource and saying, like, no, this is the place that's going to expand your resource.

Like, this is the place that's actually going to make you more abundant.

Like, it's going to give you access to, like, more than, like.

Like, you could even, like, imagine.

And.

And that just, like, happened for me in, like, so many, so many ways.

And we've been like, turning this theme of, like, resource over and over.

And, you know, like, trust is a resource.

Like, relationality as a resource.

Yeah.

And I'm like, that was.

That's great.

And, like, I just, you know, I was thinking about, like, tending the revolt, and, like, such a pivotal moment for me was like, realizing, like, how much of my own work I've been doing by myself and how much I really, like, benefit from, like, receiving support from.

From others.

Like, in, like, a personal project.

Like, yes.

Contributing collaborative.

Collaboratively.

And also, like, when there are things that are just mine that it's okay to, like, ask for help, you know, to say, hey, would anyone be willing to, like, meet me in this place?

And that's like, a different kind of vulnerability.

Um, because there's, like, still this should of, like, well, you should be able to, like, figure this out on your own, you know, and.

Yeah, I think there was a bit of a mirror for me of, like, why.

Like, why should you.

Like, why should you be able to do it on your own?

Like, what.

What can be learned from.

Yeah, a bit of a posture of humility.

And then all that to say, like, on this other side, I'm, like, still thinking about resource, and I'm still just like, I feel like there's such pot for us to kind of play with.

Like, what is.

Like, what is a new.

Like, what is building new economies looks like, and how can we do that all together?

And that feels like, for me, something that I'm like, in chapter two or chapter five or whatever chapter, you know?

Like, it feels like something I'm so excited to.

To continue to play with, like, bridging.

Bridging this in ways that feel shareable with the 3D world.

Right.

Because the 3D world still runs on economies, but it just lacks Imagination.

And what we're doing here is expanding an imagination of what could be.

And.

Yeah, anyway, so I guess the question is, are there any unfinished experiments for the rest of you?

That is my unfinished experiment.

And familiarly, it is familiar.

Nope.

What is the sentence structure here?

That is my unfinished experiment.

And I think that might be the unfinished experiment of my life.

And the thing that feels familiar is feeling like very validated and resourced by your mind on that and by me having an awareness that you have mind and energy in that direction.

Like, that feels extremely resourcing to me to know that our unfinished experiments in that regard are overlapping.

I know there's other people for whom that also feels to be true.

Love, that.

I also.

This.

This feels like more like a message not for listeners, but what.

Whatever.

Listeners, whatever.

This is a message for you all that.

I don't know if it's actually going to happen, but I've had thoughts that it would be interesting to invite any of you who are interested in it into like a postmortem conversation around what it was like to be in this specific exchange with me.

Because I had a lot of doubt and insecurity about that going into it.

And I have less doubt and insecurity about it now.

But I still am like, manifester needs to know impact.

I'm still like, what was this for you?

Like, can you tell me what this was like?

Like, I could use some reach out and touch me mirroring on that, because I think.

I don't think I have all the information I need on that to like, actually process it to a point of like, really new integrated clarity.

So informing that may come.

That invitation may come.

I think that for me, an unfinished experiment would be using more like audio for my own personal poetry projects.

Ppp.

Yeah, just like playing more with my voice and my actual voice and how it sounds and how that is recorded, you know, and how those recordings might or might not go out into the world.

Because I'm very comfortable with conversation and I'm very comfortable with performance in front of people.

And I'm.

I've been, you know, like, I grew up doing projects where I was just like telling a room full of children, I read this book or whatever.

So, like, that is very easy for me.

And also there's like, tricks that I use to like, help me stay.

And in my poetry, I've gotten to play with that in open mics and I am just.

Yeah, I'm just wanting to maybe play more with.

With my voice and how it sounds and using it More.

I definitely want to be exploring the resource resource resourcing interdependently conversations so so much and be in the actual practice.

Of.

Living different decisions on that front.

And I'm.

I'm not having anything else pop up and I'm wondering if I have to like be on the other side of the container.

Like literally.

I wonder if my energy needs that.

It feels like sometimes I'll.

I have to like send a text and then read it in order to know how I want to change it.

But any number of edits before I've actually sent it, like it's different.

Yes.

I need to exit the womb to get born to read the chats.

Yes.

That's how I'm feeling.

So I wonder.

We'll see.

I.

This looks question is striking me in a funny way that like oh wow.

As I kind of review all of my creations, all of my experiments, all of my creations are unfinished and they will probably die before they are finished.

Relatable.

Do you want to say that out loud, Mario?

Yeah, I.

The resources conversation was happening.

I was thinking about how in our season of building these relationships that we built within this container, estimate it so that conversations about eight house resource shared resources like in our building of our seventh house relating to one another now makes these conversations about what we might share more available and more approachable.

Have I shared the phrase suffering the burden of context in this setting with some of you, but not all of you?

Yeah, I had a client.

This feels related to what you're saying, Maru.

I had a client, a fellow fifth line.

We were like did a series of sessions with each other.

It was like the kind of sessions where we didn't put our cameras on.

And so we just.

It really felt like we were tapped into outer space right away with each other.

And we had like crazy convos and we were discussing this sensation of like it doesn't feel like the projection field gets in the way between us.

And I said something like, yeah, but if we were in each other's 3D lives it would like there's a lack of context here that makes it easy to just go to outer space together and skip the 3D constructs and the projection.

And she was like, ah, yes.

If we suffered the burden of context together.

And that feels.

I just love that phrase and I think it should be a greeting card.

Like I love suffering the burden of context with you.

And that's a nice little like on the way towards closing note for me to all of you that it's been like a pleasure And a joy and resourcing in many ways to suffer the burden of context with you a little bit more than I have before.

And that I think, yeah.

When we start to bring in, like, are we making a tangible thing together?

And are we inviting people outside of this womb to engage with it together?

And what does money have to do with it?

And what does money between us have to do with it?

Like, that's a lot more context to be suffering the burden of.

And to Maru's point, I think, like, my impatient ass like it.

I'm.

I resent a little bit how much time like Saturn square, my sun square, my Aries sun, you know, like, I just want to go.

I just want to go.

But I really can, like, appreciate that I feel in my own system increasingly so much more like, trust with you all.

And to what several of you have said, grid work ripples.

I am able to apply that sense of trust in different relationships and different containers because of the experiment that we've embarked upon together in suffering a little bit more of the burden of a little bit more context.

And I am innocently looking forward to seeing what openings it creates to bring more burden of context for us to suffer with one another, because I think.

I think it'll be worth it.

Yeah.

And.

Part of that is like a huge piece of it is just having more acceptance for myself, the roadblocks that are there and that are being excavated and my art and.

Feeling into the inherent value that I have or that my art has.

And.

One thing that I promise myself, nothing.

But I've had this thought a few times come up recently that I might put out a chapbook of my poetry as a result of being in here.

I think I'm also in a conversation around time and conditioning and productivity and tangibility.

And.

I kind of came into the container really, I think, kind of, yeah, building this, really building up this sense of innocence, of just like, yeah, you know, whatever happens, you know, happens, and so on and so forth.

And then as I was here, I was like, oh, I really want to make shit though, also.

And I really want, like, the things that are swirling within me to take form and that didn't happen in, I think, the ways that I wanted to.

And I think part of what I'm sitting With.

Is like.

Is, like, is there trust enough in the perfection of that?

Like, is there trust enough in my body?

Yeah.

Like, what.

What is it?

What is the kind of movement and the two step between, like, my mind wanting a thing in a particular way and my relationship to productivity, condition and.

And tangibility, and then my body being like, yeah, nothing's.

Nothing's coming out right now.

So.

And I think it's a.

It's.

It's a little.

Yeah, it's just a little kind of gradient that I am tapping into different shades of.

And.

Noticing that.

Yeah, just noticing a lot of, like.

Yeah, just kind of how deep the, like, the, like, materialist conditioning is, like, right.

Of this, like, story of, like, well, what do you have to show for it?

You know, you did this thing when.

You have to show for it right now.

And then.

And there is.

And I can see that.

And I can also see the truth in, like, I love, like, finishing a thing and putting a thing out, and that feels also, like, really rewarding and beautiful.

And then I also feel like I have so much to show for it at the same time, you know, and then it's like, show who you know.

So.

Yeah, just.

Just playing in my wanting things to be finished, and they're unfinished, and it just is now.

But I will say there is a.

There is a.

My friend Molly was giving me this image.

It was a kind of strange image at the time, but now it's coming to me of, like, the, like.

Like, bone being filled with marrow and this, like, fortif.

Fortification of body.

And I feel like.

I feel more fortified, you know, And I am curious to, like, how that fortification will eventually take form.

I think I want to read one more sentence of some of the writing I did this morning that feels connected to what you just shared, Noah.

And I think I'm going to share this whole page of writing that I did with all of you after this call, in case you'd like to read it.

It's like, my lab findings that I wrote this morning, but I just want to read this one sentence with you all.

We don't access attune to our untapped creative flow without confronting all of the habituated rhythms of force and restraint that have been keeping us from it while pretending to be it.

Kelsey, can you say that again, please?

Mm.

Here it is in the chat.

We don't access and attune to our untapped creative flow without confronting all of the habituated rhythms of force and restraint that have been keeping us from it while pretending to Be it.

I'm gonna skip ahead and read one more sentence before we can feel and know and trust the quiet but clear certainty of our certainty of our inspiration and know that we are engaging with creat honestly and not as a means for distraction, not as a tether to the fallacy of control.

That was the end of a sentence, so it doesn't really make sense, starting with the word before.

But I'll share the rest with you in a bit.

This idea of, like, when you were talking.

No, I was thinking about your edging song, and I was thinking about just edging in general and, like, how much of my own creative practice, like, I am.

I'm writing all the time, and I'm writing, you know, things that make not no sense at all.

But then there's times where because of that practice of just doing it so much, I get to ride my own wave, and then I just get to come, and it's, you know, it's just like.

Just like playing with myself enough so that I am there at the moment of actual completion when I'm, like, channeling through something that feels really true to me and, like, real to what I'm trying, you know, whatever it is that I'm trying to express in that moment, that's how my writing practice works.

It feels, like, inside me.

So I just want to say that.

I'm thinking about that first line that you read, Kelsey, and it just feels.

So.

Reminiscent of, like, a big learning I've had this season and the ceremony I've been in and a facilitator saying to me, like, often what you come to the medicine, like, you come to the medicine asking for a change.

And what the medicine shows you is the thing in the way of the change.

And that this container has been medicinal.

And so I feel like there's maybe opportunity to apply that here.

We're going to wrap in a minute or two, so I want to give an opportunity to say anything else that wants to be said before we stop recording.

Love you all and thank you.

I think there's a part of me that wants to drop the fourth wall and acknowledge that some of the people that have been tuning into us in this season are, like, in a very large part, a component of an agent in this grit work, too.

That feels so true and so important.

So thank you.

And, like, let that infuse your own process of renegotiation around belonging, if that's available.

May it be so sa.