Dating and rarely finding that elusive spark? This episode is for you!

We begin by exploring the mystifying concept of a "spark." What does it mean to feel a "spark," Dear Listener, and is it a prerequisite in the early stages of dating?

Next, we discuss whether it’s okay not to feel an instant connection and whether attraction and a spark are synonymous. Is it possible to be attracted to someone yet not feel that instantaneous spark?

As we venture further, we dive deep into all the reasons you might wonder, "Why am I not feeling a spark with anyone?" From the Sex & the City Fallacy to asexuality, avoidant attachment, and unrealistic standards, we touch on seven common spark stoppers.

You’ll walk away with compassionate pointers about navigating times when the spark seems to be missing more often than not.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:29 - What is a spark?

10:31 - 1. The “Sex and the City” fallacy

18:19 - 2. Asexuality

23:32 - 3. Dating Anxiety

29:30 - 4. Unrealistic standards

35:51 - 5. Avoidant attachment

42:10 - 6. An ineffective dating strategy

50:31 - 7. The context is a turn-off

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Diane Poole Heller’s attachment styles assessment

Ep. 9 - Surprising Truths about Attachment Styles

Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor

and dating coach Jessica Engle.

And this is, I Love You, Too, a show about how to create and

sustain meaningful relationships.

I'm dating and relationship coach Josh Van Vliet.

On today's episode, we're gonna talk about why you rarely feel

a spark and what to do about it.

We're so happy you're here.

And please remember that this show is not a substitute for a relationship with

a licensed mental health professional.

Welcome, dear listener.

We're so thrilled you're joining us today for, I think what's a very

important conversation about what to do if you don't feel the spark

or if you rarely feel the spark.

this is common for a number of reasons that we're gonna dig into today and can

be very confusing and painful for folks.

So if you've spent a lot of time, you've been on a lot of dates, And you're

wondering, why do I never really feel this enigmatic spark with someone?

Uh, or it seems to only show up very rarely for you.

I think this is an episode that that may be really helpful for you today.

Yes.

Before we get started, if you love our show, well, we love you too and

wanna be in touch between episodes.

To get more free dating relationship and social anxiety advice, please go

to relationship center.com/newsletter.

Okay, well, let's get started.

All right, so why don't we just dive in here?

Mm-hmm.

First, we, we say this term spark as if this is a thing

that means something, right?

But maybe we should go into what, what is even a spark?

What, what does that mean?

People use it in so many different ways.

Right.

Well, and maybe we should just say that in this episode, what we're

talking about is a spark in dating.

Sure.

I.

Right.

So there's a lot, we work with a lot of people who come and say, like, I

just, I'm going on all these dates and I just don't feel a spark for anyone.

So in terms of what a spark is, you know, it's a pretty subjective term.

But it's basically something where it feels like maybe there's some attraction,

maybe there's some sort of je ne sais quoi, some sort of chemistry that's

very hard to put words to, but there's just a sense of an extra charge.

And I think a lot of people use the term spark to indicate that there's

something more than friendship present.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

It's like, I wanna spend more time with this person.

Yeah.

Maybe there is some attraction there.

Maybe your, your blood quickens a little bit when you lock eyes with them.

Maybe you feel that like kind of butterflies in your stomach.

Mm-hmm.

Have a feeling sometimes can come, come along with what

people describe as a spark.

Absolutely.

Also, blood, blood quickening is, An amazing phrase, and I feel

like it's from a Jane Austen book.

My Blood Quicken,

my pulse throb is we locked eyes across the room.

Yes.

So blood quickening, um, is one physical sign of a spark, potentially.

Mm-hmm.

There's, yeah.

Butterflies in the stomach, impulse to get closer, maybe feeling turned on.

Mm-hmm.

I think there's also sort of emotional and mental sides to the spark.

For some people emotional is like elation, excitement, really feeling

at home or feeling deeply connected.

And then on, on the mental side of things, maybe a spark, uh, looks like

imagining a future together, seeing yourselves getting married or you

know, fantasizing about just physically being closer, kissing, having sex.

I love that you named all these different aspects, emotional, mental,

as well as the physical, because.

It really is a multidimensional thing that we're talking about here.

Attraction has so many different components to it.

We sometimes, I think it's, it's easy to think it's simple.

It's either I'm attracted or I'm not.

Mm-hmm.

And it's, it, there's so much more in it.

Yes.

Absolutely.

So, I love that you're naming these pieces.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, and aside from, you know, it's a little bit hard to really

describe the spark I can say that there's probably a number of

things that contribute to a spark.

Mm-hmm.

Including like physical attraction, we might call that passionate

love, which is another sort of more scientific term for lust.

Mm-hmm.

There's pheromones, there's internalized messages from

culture about what's attractive.

There's love bombing.

Intermittent reinforcement we've talked about on the show here,

repetition, compulsion you know, all sorts of things can, can really

contribute to what a spark is.

So some of the things you're naming here seem like sweet and good things,

and some of them seem like not right as sweet and good things love bombing, love,

intermittent reinforcement that yeah.

I just, I think that's important to highlight because I, you're, when we

think about, oh, we, we wanna feel a spark in dating, you may feel a spark

sometimes, but not necessarily for a reason that's healthy or like is

actually a good relationship for you.

Yeah, absolutely.

And you know, I think this is where this can be kind of a, an aha moment

for some people when they realize, oh, a spark may not always be good.

I think that in our society we're really given that kind of love at

first sight story and it's like the more sparks there are somehow the more

fated the relationship is and, um,

it's meant to be,

right.

Yeah.

Right.

The, the powers that be have intervened and the stars have aligned and yeah, I

think from what we've seen with, with our clients, it's a good amount of the time

that spark, especially for people who have trauma in their background that's

a recreation of something that you maybe don't want to actually live through again.

But it gets sort of wrapped up in this story of the mythical love at first sight.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

That leads me to a question which is, given that it could be all these different

things, some of which we may actually not want to recreate Should there be

a spark in dating or like, is that a useful thing to look at or look for?

Right.

Or is it, you know, is it okay to not feel a spark sometimes?

Right.

Yeah.

All very good questions.

So a spark doesn't predict long-term compatibility or

the health of a relationship.

Okay.

I think for some people it can predict some compatibility, particularly if they

do have more of a secure background.

But there's really not necessarily a strong connection between how

much you spark with someone and, um, the viability of a connection.

So if you're dating in order to find a healthy, long lasting

relationship, an immediate spark definitely isn't necessary.

And for some people, like we've mentioned, it can actually be a red flag.

If you're dating just because you wanna experience intense attraction

or sparks, then yes, that's what you should be looking for.

Great, go for it.

Have fun.

Um, and just know that, you know, it doesn't necessarily need to be

there right up top for you to find a really wonderful relationship.

I love that you named, not necessarily right up top.

Mm-hmm.

But I think that points to that kind of intense affection and

care and, and love for someone and attraction can grow over time.

Yes.

That if it's not, you didn't lock eyes and you know, fireworks went off the

first time you saw each other, that doesn't mean it's a doomed relationship.

Right?

Absolutely.

A lot of very happy long-term couples.

They report that their attraction really grew over time, very

kind of slow and steady and continues to grow over the years.

That's very common in, in healthy, mature love.

Which is beautiful and goes against the, I think, stereotype we

have about long-term relationships that they get stale or Right.

You know, attraction wanes over time.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, that in fact the opposite can be the case.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

I have a spicy question for you, Josh.

Ooh.

Hmm.

How much of a spark did you feel on our first date?

Ooh.

Oh

yeah.

That's a great question.

I I feel like there was I mean, our first date was on video.

Mm-hmm.

And I think there was like a quiet excitement.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think there, there, you know, there have been other first dates

that I've had in the past where it was a little bit more like, ah, mm-hmm.

Wow.

Meaning like 10, like

potentially Yeah, like a nine or a 10.

And those were often not Good relationship for me.

And I think, yeah, I think what I experienced was that that spark kind of

grew over our first three or four dates in this very, and still I think is growing.

Mm-hmm.

Um, but like really blossomed in those first few dates of like,

oh, I'm seeing more potential.

Oh, I see this like sweeter connection developing into like, oh, this is great.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Um, but it, yeah, I think it grew over our first few dates.

Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

That was my experience too.

Yeah.

I would say on our first date, towards the beginning of the date, I was

like, maybe at like a four out of 10.

Mm-hmm.

And then over that date maybe got to like a five, five and a half, and then

it just kind of kept going up every date.

Yeah.

Until, yeah.

About the third or fourth date, it was like 8, 9, 10.

Mm-hmm.

So yeah, coming back to what you're saying, you know, a spark.

A lot of people does ultimately need to be there.

Yeah.

If we're talking about attraction, right.

That's very important.

And a lot of happy long-term couples, you know, their sexual

satisfaction is a big part.

It's actually, you know, research shows those two things are deeply

connected, how satisfied you are in your sexual relationship.

Mm-hmm.

So definitely up top here, I want to be really clear that we are not, uh,

suggesting that you should never feel a spark or that spark is always a bad thing.

We're not saying go into a relationship in which you feel no

attraction and just stay with it forever.

Do not, do not, do not.

But yeah, I think that, um, leaving space for the possibility

that a spark will emerge over time is a great wise way to approach dating.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Gives you possibilities that you might miss.

Otherwise, there's some great connections.

Yeah.

So is this a good time to turn towards, uh, why you might not feel the spark?

Yes.

Because I know you've got a number of reasons that we're

gonna go, go through today.

'cause there are a lot of different reasons why people might not feel

that spark very often or at all.

Yes.

While dating and what to do about it will depend on why.

Mm-hmm.

So it's really good to kind of split some of these out and really

get into some of the nuances here.

Absolutely.

I know the first one that you talk about is something called, that you

call the sex and the city fallacy, the Sex and the City fallacy.

Will, will you tell us about that?

I will, and I'm gonna start each of these with the tell.

Okay, great.

Meaning, how should, how would you know if you were, if this was part of what's

happening for you around the spark?

Love that.

Yeah.

So we're, so we're gonna start with the tell, and then I'll tell you a

little bit about a little bit more about the, each of these reasons, and

then we'll go into how to address them.

Okay?

Perfect.

So, in terms of the Sex and the City fallacy, the tell that this

might be operating for you is that you expect to feel attracted to

most of the people you go out with.

When you aren't attracted to those you date, you wonder what's

wrong with you, them, or modern dating and singles in general.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

So the Sex and the City fallacy, I imagine that brings up various images for you.

I love that show.

That was great.

Right?

I remember watching that.

Yes.

Well, I think that it was kind of a groundbreaking show because

it showed for women both their friendships, but also all of their

dating and sexual experiences mm-hmm.

Living in the city.

So I think it, it kind of created this picture of a world where when you're

single and really dating the way you're supposed to, you're meeting people you're

attracted to all the time, all the time.

All the time.

Yeah.

There's just sort of a seemingly endless glut of extremely

attractive cosmopolitan people.

Of course.

And you just run into them random places and Yeah.

Just bump into people at the bookshop or whatever, and Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think that that kind of media has really given us a skewed idea of dating.

Mm-hmm.

And for some people, they can just really expect they're going to, you

know, find a lot of attractive people to date, or that most of the people

they go out with, they're gonna be, they're gonna have a spark with mm-hmm.

I think that what's really more often true is it takes quite a few dates for

a lot of people to find someone that they're really genuinely sparking with.

Mm.

So not just, you know, one out of every two dates you feel a spark.

Like there's, for some people they need to go on 20 dates to find

someone, maybe even more than that.

So I think that this is one that is really about mindset, right.

And happy to go into how to address this particular fallacy.

Yeah.

Well, just to summarize, I'm hearing it's like this is about adjusting our

expectations to what is the actual probable normal baseline we could say for

life and for most of us, most of the time.

And if you're looking, you're expecting it's gonna be all the

time and it's not happening, that could be pretty frustrating.

If you're like, oh no, this is what's normal.

Like, okay, I'm, I might find a spark every few dates or every 10 or 15 dates.

Right?

And then it's like, great.

I found one.

Yay.

Yes.

Rather than, oh no, what's wrong with me or them or dating.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So let's talk about how to address this.

I mean, you've already kind of named it.

So set realistic expectations, recognize that going on a dozen, maybe more

dates than only finding one person you're like really sparking with.

That's normal actually.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

For that reason, treat dating is a marathon, not a race.

Okay.

So really develop a dating strategy that supports a sustainable pace, self-care.

Mm-hmm.

And then this last one, I, I need a new title for this, so

maybe you can help me, Josh.

Okay.

Qualify your leads.

So qualify your leads is marketing speak for you want to make sure that

you are you have a process set up so that you are getting the most ideal

client coming to you to work with you.

Yeah.

You wanna make sure it's a good fit between you and them, or

as, as good a potential fit as you can before you actually take the

time to go on a date with them.

Right, right.

So, coming back to dating, thank you.

There's gonna be ways to filter people who aren't a fit, perhaps sooner.

Mm-hmm.

So that you're not going on say, a three hour expensive date

with absolutely every person.

Which is gonna leave you exhausted.

Exactly.

Burnt out from dating and saying, screw this.

Right.

Yeah.

So some examples of how you might qualify your leads.

Uh, one name deal breakers in your profile.

Mm-hmm.

You can do that in a very positive way.

But that's a great way to filter out people who just

aren't gonna be a fit for you.

Yeah.

You could even say something like, I'm looking for someone who's a big

yes to marriage, monogamy, and kids.

If those are things that are important to you and, um, that will attract

people who are, are into that and, and weed out the people who aren't.

That's right.

That's right.

Josh is very cutely, um, quoting one of the first lines in my profile Oh, good.

That he, he swiped right on.

Um, which was a big, I think shift for me in my search was I was willing to be

really transparent about what I wanted.

Yeah.

So naming deal breakers in your profile, asking values-based questions when

you message when you're on dates.

So you can really get to know somebody not just on the surface level, not just

what did they do this weekend, but what do they really, genuinely value in life.

Mm-hmm.

So that you can determine are they a good fit?

Yeah.

And then doing things like going, having a phone call first or a video date first.

I know a lot of people are burnt out from video dating from the pandemic,

and it's a really great way to get a sense of whether meeting up in

person is worth both of your time.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so these are each different ways to, did you come up with

a different title for this?

Qualify your leads,

Only go on dates with people you're actually excited about.

Very good.

A little less pithy, but

I love it.

We'll have to figure out what the acronym is.

Yeah.

This was a huge part of my dating process too.

I remember going through this process of, of dating and realizing, I could

tell when I was genuinely excited about a profile because there was a different

experience I had somatically, there was like a little bit of like a, uh, oh,

I'm almost like a little bit of a spark.

Even just from reading the profile.

Mm-hmm.

That was like, oh, there's something about this that I'm genuinely interested

in getting to know this person.

Not just like, well, they seem cute and maybe we'd like, I don't know.

Right.

I'll just, I'll message them.

'cause I'm, I'm supposed to send a lot of messages.

Mm-hmm.

And so I think that was really important for me learning to tune into

that experience for myself and really only message those people even if it

meant I was sending fewer messages overall and going on fewer dates.

Overall, I ended up going on dates that were a much better fit.

And I was less exhausted.

So you're saying we should actually call this the Josh Van Vliet.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Good.

So so that's the Sex in the City fallacy.

Yes.

And, uh, and the, the solution is qualify year leads or only go on dates with people

that you're genuinely interested in.

Right.

A k the Josh van.

Not calling it that.

Aren't we that?

Oh boy.

Okay.

Let's go on to number two, which is asexuality.

Yes.

Asexuality.

Tell, tell me more about asexuality.

Okay, so I'm gonna give some tells.

I want you to know up top here.

Asexuality is a vast, vast orientation, so these tells are not gonna capture

everything, but some potential tells are you've rarely or never

felt attracted to other people.

Which is not the same as not thinking that other people are beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

Another one is feeling confused when others talk about who's hot or not.

Mm-hmm.

And feeling bored by conversations about sex and romance.

And a third is only feeling sexual attraction after an

emotional bond is formed.

Hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

So asexuality, this is a sexual orientation defined by limited

or no sexual attraction to individuals of any gender.

Okay.

Okay.

Keep in mind this isn't celibacy, which is a choice.

It's not a sexual desire disorder.

It's just kind of a natural variation of sexual orientations,

just like you know, homosexuality, bisexuality, those sorts of things.

Mm-hmm.

So if you're asexual, you may rarely or never have the experience of, say,

walking down the street or seeing someone on a dating app and thinking, oh yeah,

like, I wanna have sex with that person.

Mm-hmm.

You may similarly, if you are asexual, find yourself rarely or never feeling

a spark with people that you date, even if you really like them or

have romantic feelings for them.

So there's a subsection of this orientation called demisexuality, and

that is what I was describing earlier, where they feel sexual attraction only

after developing a close emotional bond.

Mm-hmm.

So in that instance, you can imagine, okay, you go on a first date, you

don't know this person, you don't have a bond yet, if you are demisexual,

you're not gonna feel a spark.

Right.

Right.

Until further down the line.

Or if you're asexual in the, in the sense of not feeling attraction

ever to another individual, then you just may not feel a sexual spark.

You may feel a romantic spark.

There are people who are asexual but not a romantic.

Mm-hmm.

But yeah, it's possible just you may not feel one if that's your orientation.

Mm-hmm.

I imagine that's would be very helpful to know.

So again, it's like lining up your expectations with reality, right?

It's like if if you're just not oriented in that direction, but you

keep trying to, to find that mm-hmm.

It's gonna be very frustrating.

Yes.

So what would you suggest that folks who think this might be part of what's

up or, or what's going on for them?

What do you suggest that they do?

Yeah, so a few things.

The best way to really determine whether this orientation applies to you is to

read the stories of other asexuals.

Okay.

For a lot of people it's kind of a a more newly defined orientation.

I think it was only within the last 20 years that people started

to put words to this experience.

Mm-hmm.

And so I think a lot of, I think society in general, but a lot of

individuals are still wrapping their head around what it really looks like.

Right?

Yeah.

Right.

So reading stories of other asexuals is great and you can do that.

There are a bunch of wonderful online ace communities th through sites like Aven.

We'll link to them in the show notes.

An ACE community is asexual community.

Yes.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's the, the what's that called?

Moniker?

Shortened nickname.

Sure.

Totally blank on word right now.

Yeah, I'll go with that one.

Um, yeah, so really, I mean, just learning about asexuality

and coming, uh, to know your own orientation is, uh, the first step.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

The second is to develop a dating approach that honors your sexuality.

Okay.

So after getting clearer about what your identity is, you're gonna want to adjust

your dating strategy strategy accordingly.

Mm-hmm.

And so maybe for you, a happy dating life Looks like dating, looking for a

committed long-term relationship because you are asexual but not a romantic.

Right.

And you're just transparent with people when you're dating,

uh, about that orientation.

Um, a lot of ace uh, individuals are in very happy, long-term committed

relationships and, you know, there's a lot of other options.

Maybe, uh, your dating life once you've come to terms with what your

identity is, looks like focusing on platonic connections and not dating.

Um, maybe it looks like you know, you're mainly practicing solo sex or celibacy.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

There's a huge wide range.

And you get to choose.

Beautiful.

I love kind of opening the, the I dunno, opening the scope to, like,

you really get to design how you want it to be that really works for you.

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't have to fit into any particular box that you might

think it's supposed to look like.

That's right.

Okay.

So number three.

Mm-hmm.

Dating anxiety.

Yes.

This is one that we talk about a lot, I'm sure with it.

A lot we could talk about here.

But give us the, give us the overview.

What are some of the tells here?

Yeah.

So some of the tells are that you, when you're in a dating interaction,

you feel so nervous that you clam up or maybe talk incessantly.

Perhaps you blush or tremble, maybe your mind goes blank or you sweat.

Right?

So all of these different sort of physical signs and cognitive signs that

you're just really, really anxious.

Mm-hmm.

Another one might be if you feel terrified, you're gonna make a

fool of yourself or be rejected.

If you ask someone out, if you go on a date, do you approach somebody?

Yeah.

And then lastly, you obsess about all the things you quote did

wrong after a dating interaction.

Hard to feel a spark.

When all of that anxiety is going on in your system,

you are going Right, right where I'm going, Josh.

Yeah.

You same brain.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

So let's talk like a fight, flight, freeze.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Before we do another spicy question for you Josh.

Mm-hmm.

Who is your celebrity crush?

Um, romantic celebrity crush?

Yes.

Sexual

celebrity crush.

I was gonna say sexual, then I stop myself.

Let's just call it like it is here.

Um, I dunno if I have one.

I was gonna say Jacob Collier, but he's my musical crush.

Um.

I love that you are really having to think hard about

this makes me feel very secure.

I don't know.

I mean, Alison Bree from community is the first person who's popping

into my mind right now, but great.

But I haven't really thought about it.

Okay, so Alison, Bree.

Okay.

So we're gonna imagine Josh.

Okay.

I'm nervous already

that you are running from a tiger.

Yes.

Okay.

And as you're running mm-hmm.

Allison, Bree appears

she gonna save me from the tiger.

No, she's not.

Okay.

She's running alongside you and she's hitting on you hard,

very confusing behavior from her, but, okay.

Read the room, Alison.

And she's like, she's like propositioning you.

She's like, she wants to have sex right now.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you say?

Uh, no.

Hello?

There's a tiger.

Yep.

What's wrong with you?

And

I'm concerned about your, uh, self-preservation instinct.

Very good.

And do you think.

You would feel turned on?

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I do not think I would feel turned on.

No, of course not.

And most people are gonna say no, not likely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, because from a biological perspective, when we feel threatened, our nervous

system turns off the biological drives that are not gonna keep us safe, and

that includes the impulse to have sex.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

So, kind of an extreme example, but let's come back to dating.

Mm-hmm.

And let's say your nervous system gets into at least a mild or moderate fight,

fight or freeze experience on a date.

Yep.

Guess what's gonna get turned off?

Attraction.

Turn on

attraction.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So, you know, again, this isn't necessarily gonna look like you're

actually physically running.

Right.

But it might look like your mind goes blank.

Mm-hmm.

Or you're unable to flirt.

Yeah.

So shall we talk about how to address this?

Let's do it.

Okay.

Number one, if you have access to it, get therapy.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

So crippling anxiety on dates can indicate that you're struggling

with a social anxiety disorder.

And working with a dating or social anxiety therapist can help you

build confidence and reduce your anxiety enough to access that spark.

Mm-hmm.

That's number one.

Number two you're gonna wanna balance, challenge with soothing.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So this is the kind of one of the main approaches that we hold when we're

helping clients with dating anxiety.

Social anxiety, you have to challenge yourself, but you also have to soothe

your system when you feel anxious, right?

And you have to toggle between those two in order to slowly

expand your comfort zone.

So one way that you can do this is through exposure therapy.

We're gonna link you to an article about that in the show notes.

Hopefully that's something that you do with the guidance of a really

great social anxiety therapist.

The other thing I wanna point you to is listening to our first episode,

you're Not Crazy, dating is hard because that it gives more tips on how

to balance challenge with soothing.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's like I, I'm picturing getting down from like, your anxiety is like a 10,

getting it down to like maybe a four.

Not that.

I think for all of us, when we're on a first date, it's normal to have some

anxiety, some nerves, but it's small enough that we can be present to that

sense of attraction, turn on bark.

And it may be like a little bit of nerves, is it contributes to that,

but at a manageable level, right.

Rather than so much that it just blows you out of the water.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And slight tangent from that, you know, there's some research that shows that

when people appear nervous on a date, they're actually seen as more attractive.

Yeah.

I love that research.

Yeah.

So interesting.

So again, wanna get you to a place where it's manageable,

we don't need to get rid of it.

Mm-hmm.

Perfect.

Okay, number four.

Number four.

Number four, unrealistic standards.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Tell me more.

I tell you the tells.

Tell me the tells.

Okay.

So this one might be operating for you if you always seem to find something

you don't like about dates, even if you start off really excited about them.

Mm.

Another is you tend to be hard on yourself and those around you.

Mm-hmm.

And a third is when you ask your trusted loved ones to be honest with you about

what they think might be getting in the way of you finding a happy relationship,

they say you might be too picky.

Mm.

Yep.

Yep.

It's like, oh, that they seemed great and then we went on the date

and they had this weird thing, they talked too much with their hands.

Right.

Right.

Or they they were shorter than I was expecting.

Right.

Or things like that.

Right.

So like some little nitpicky, it's like, okay, that doesn't, how important is

that really to what you're looking for?

Right.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So you might, if this is operating for you, you might have a very fixed picture

of what your ideal mate looks like.

One that is so specific, it disqualifies 99.9% of your suitors.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

This gonna, I think, come from a lot of different places.

Like, I think for some people there's family or cultural pressures.

Mm-hmm.

I think it can be a feature of avoidant attachment, which

we'll talk about in a moment.

Either way, a really long list of must-haves is gonna

set you up to disengage.

Just as you're describing Josh, as soon as somebody doesn't tick

a very particular box Right.

Now I want us to, to talk about standards because I'm sure somebody

out there is thinking, well, what's wrong with having standards?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

And I wanna just emphasize here, like having standards is good.

Mm-hmm.

We work with some people who come in and they do not know what they want, or

they didn't have great relationships in the past, so they don't expect a lot.

We have to work with them on raising their standards.

Mm-hmm.

And for some people, the standards are unrealistic.

Right.

And those are not our friends, the unrealistic standards.

Mm-hmm.

So this is, you know, kind of tying to the concept of maximizers.

So maximizers are people who are like always trying to optimize.

They're doing as much research as possible in order to try and

find the very best option mm-hmm.

Versus satisfiers who will look at a few choices and they do, uh, have

some standards, but once they find something that seems like a, like pretty

good option, they just go with that.

Mm-hmm.

Um, because they know that continuing to look will sap the joy.

Right.

And give them a bunch of points of reference to compare against, which

will leave them unhappy in the end.

Right.

So in terms of, of dating, some people are maximizers, they're always

looking for, well, maybe there's an even better partner out there.

Mm-hmm.

And so that long list of unrealistic standards can be part of that

maximizer mentality which can I think, be a little sneaky.

'cause it almost seems like, well, I, you're just, you're doing what

you need to do to get the best.

And yet does that exist?

Mm-hmm.

And is that taking from you you know, the possibility of, of having

something that is good enough to start and wonderful over time?

Right?

Yeah, it's, is the, is the cost of waiting for that mythical person who meets

every single one of your high standards worth, you know, missing out on a, a

meaningful, satisfying relationship now.

Right.

So, Is is the answer here to set realistic standards and use those.

And I imagine that part of the challenge for folks may be, well, how do I know

what's realistic versus unrealistic?

Yes, absolutely.

So I want to sort of remind people of our, what to look for

in a long-term partner episode.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Part of what we review in there is that human beings are generally

pretty terrible at identifying what they need in a partner.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And the research that we looked at showed that a lot of people will look

for very quickly identifiable traits like height or a particular career or race.

And in the, none of those things tend to correlate to long-term happiness success.

So really looking more at Some of the more values-based traits, right?

More growth-oriented traits, that's gonna be what's really important.

So coming back to your question, how do people know what's realistic, I

want you to start with that episode.

Okay?

That will give you a sense of what's realistic.

And I want you to use our what to look for in a Partner free guide.

And the process in there is gonna walk you through writing your list down.

It's very possible you've already done this, but maybe it's all

just kind of in your mind.

Uh, in which case it's gonna be really helpful to write it all

down that very long list, and then you're gonna reprioritize it.

Mm-hmm.

And you're gonna reprioritize it in terms of requirements, strong

desires, and nice to haves.

And then hopefully when you've repri reprioritized, and use some of the

thought provoking questions we have in that guide to figure out which.

List a trait should be on your must-haves will be a, a

small subsection of your list.

Mm-hmm.

So you're going from maybe filtering people according to 30 things.

Mm-hmm.

Down to five.

Right.

And then once you have that reprioritized list, use it to make decisions about who

to swipe on and who to go on dates with.

The idea being go on dates with people who meet the must-haves list.

Okay.

Keep going on dates with them until you're, there is no

spark over multiple dates.

Right.

Or you find a, a deal breaker.

Mm-hmm.

Perfect.

Makes sense?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So, so far we've got the Sex and the city fallacy.

Uh, asexuality dating, anxiety and unrealistic standards.

Mm-hmm.

And you just foreshadowed about avoiding attachment, so why don't we go there next?

Right.

So what are some of the tells for avoidant attachment?

Yes.

Okay.

So the tells might be things like you pride yourself on being self-reliant

or identify as a lone wolf.

Mm-hmm.

You are uncomfortable around people who seem emotional or needy.

Mm-hmm.

You secretly keep a running list of your partner's flaws

when you're in relationship.

Mm.

Uh, or you never seem to get past a certain level of commitment or closeness.

Mm-hmm.

So an avoidant attachment style refers to a style of relating,

characterized by avoiding closeness.

And avoidantly attached folks tend to have a really strong sense of

independence and they feel, can feel very overwhelmed by emotional intimacy, right?

So often this is an attachment style that develops after an

individual's emotional needs are ignored or dismissed or criticized

in a really formative relationship.

Yeah.

And this doesn't mean that these folks don't want closeness, right?

Don't want a close relationship, close romantic relationship, just

that they have learned in the past that it's dangerous or that to, to

not expect to get certain needs met.

And so very adaptive, Attachment style.

Yes.

Based on what they've been through.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean it's, I think it can feel like a confusing experience from the inside where

they do on one level, want relationship, want closeness and on another, as you're

saying, feel scared, don't want it.

Mm-hmm.

Because they don't wanna have the same experience all over again.

Mm-hmm.

I imagine we could do a whole podcast episode about avoidant

attachment and how to address it.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, but I'm curious for the short version for today, how

would you suggest folks this?

Yeah.

Particularly when it comes to.

The spark,

right?

Yeah.

Well, and let me clarify how this connects to the spark.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, you know, avoidant attachment can manifest as that really long

list of unrealistic standards mm-hmm.

That we described earlier.

Right.

So that can eliminate relationships where a spark might develop over

time with a little patients, sort of eliminates those quickly.

Yep.

The other way that avoid an attachment can manifest in dating around a spark is just

kind of like not feeling much for anyone.

Mm-hmm.

Or being really slow to warm because of avoid an attachment.

A big part of that style is dissociation.

So separating from one's emotions and attachment needs that means that you may

actually have feelings for someone, but not always be able to feel them because

you learned in a past relationship to separate from those feelings.

So in terms of how to address it, number one, develop secure attachment.

You know, your attachment style is malleable.

Mm-hmm.

That's the good news.

Uh, you can learn how to feel more comfortable with intimacy over time

and that will increase the chances of you feeling a spark on dates.

Mm-hmm.

We do have an episode on how to develop more secure attachment.

Um, we will link to that episode in the show notes.

And another couple things that you can do is, you know, identify your partner's

strengths, so when you're dating your mind, because of that style is gonna

look for what is wrong in your partner.

And so you're gonna wanna counter that by consciously looking for what you like and

keeping a running list of their strengths.

Mm-hmm.

And then lastly if you're avoidantly attached and struggle to feel

a spark, I wanna encourage you to go on multiple dates mm-hmm.

With each person unless there's a really clear deal breaker.

Okay.

Because you may be slow to warm, I want you to stop pressuring

yourself to feel strongly about someone after just one date.

Right.

And then just plan on going on more than one date as needed to confirm

that no spark is present over time.

Remaining open to the idea that that attraction may emerge once you've

started to feel enough trust with that person and your system allows you to

feel more of that desire for them.

Hmm.

I love the way that you are inviting folks to kind of take the pressure

off themselves a little bit.

That it's okay to give yourself space to, to not feel something at

first, and that's okay and normal.

And that you allow yourself that space, you'll discover whether

or not there's something there.

Yes.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I do recommend if you're gonna take that strategy, be transparent about

it with the people that you're dating, because I think for some people, who maybe

are more anxiously attached or just have a different relationship to the spark, they

misinterpret a slow to warm relationship as this person's not interested in me.

Mm.

Yeah.

And so I think it's really good to give your your dates a heads up

of like, I want you to know, I'm really excited to get to know you.

I tend to be slow to warm, and that's not about you, but I, I just want

you to be aware that it may feel like there's a little bit of a slow pace.

But as long as I'm asking you out on more dates, I want you to know,

I, like, I'm interested in you.

And I thank you so much for any patience that you can give around.

I, I may just, it take a may, take a moment mm-hmm.

For me to warm up fully.

I love that.

Very, very considerate and very like, inviting the person closer actually.

Mm-hmm.

In sharing what works for you and, and what you need.

Right.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Okay, so that's avoidant attachment.

Yes, it is in a nutshell.

Tied it up with a bow.

We're done.

Nothing more to say there very obviously approach.

Yeah.

But that's what we'll go through.

Go through today.

To number six.

Yes.

Number six.

Outta seven.

There are two more we wanna get to today.

An ineffective dating strategy.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me more.

Like, can you say that like, it's a mystery.

Ooh.

Okay.

So the tell for an ineffective dating strategy is you don't know what

you're looking for in a partner.

Mm-hmm.

Or you only seem to get on dates with people who are just like, really clearly

not a good fit on a lot of levels.

Mm.

Or

I keep going.

Yeah.

You say yes to anyone who seems interested.

'cause your options seem scarce.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's gonna be hard to feel a spark if you're just ending up on dates with

people who are just like, wildly not even close to what you are looking for.

That's right.

Yeah.

And I, I especially have compassion for that last one you named around saying

yes to people who you're not really that interested in out of the worry that

there's not a lot of options out there.

Yes.

I, that's an easy place to go when we're dating, right.

It seems like, oh, there's not that much out there for me.

Maybe you have some worries about your desirability as a partner and

your attractiveness and it's, it's very easy to get to that place, but

then it's very frustrating as well.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, 'cause you're really not even in the ballpark of the kind of

experiences you're really wanting.

Right?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So.

Dating strategy.

Let's just clarify what we even mean by dating strategy.

I think that might be helpful.

Yeah, it's, that's our lingo.

We're we're just like, oh yeah.

Dating strategy.

Of course.

Dating strategy.

Yeah.

What, what is that?

So, a dating strategy is simply your approach to finding, connecting

with and dating potential mates.

Okay.

So it can include things like, oh, I'm going to be focusing on online dating,

or, oh, I'm gonna do a mixture of online dating and meeting people in real life.

Within those spaces, you're, it's your strategy around how you're

putting yourself out there, what you're communicating to potential

mates, um, where you're going on dates, all of these sorts of things.

So just to clarify, it's not.

Your strategy for manipulating people into dating you?

Yes.

Not what we're talking about here.

You'll need to listen to a pick up artistry.

Different podcast.

Yeah.

Just how, how are you intentionally approaching dating in a way that.

Uh, you're, you're engaging in ways that are gonna give you good

possibilities for meeting people who might be a good fit for you.

That's right.

So if you're not dating people you're excited about, your strategy may be off.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

For example, you may not know what you're looking for.

Maybe you haven't had a lot of experience or you really just haven't thought

it through, um, ever intentionally.

So that might set you up to date people just because they're available or a

fit, uh, in terms of the picture of the dateable person you've learned from

your family or culture or popular media.

And then you're getting on dates and they're nothing like what you want.

So that's one piece.

Another might be you know, Dating strategy is about where you

go to, to meet other singles.

Maybe you're going to settings where you're not likely to meet the T type of

person you're gonna spark with, right?

Maybe you're going to bars, for example, when you're actually more

attracted to quiet, introverted humans who are not gonna love bars.

You mean they're not out, out of the bar.

Uh, looking to pick up people most nights,

near,

Uh, , so.

Poor dating strategy can also include struggling to communicate

what you're looking for clearly in a way that attracts the kind of

person that you're gonna spark with.

Mm-hmm.

So, for example, I see this a lot on profiles online.

I think that people will say things like, I love to have fun and laugh

and you know, I'm looking forward to just having something casual.

I'm open to something more developing, but just as long as

you like, buy me tacos, right?

Mm-hmm.

Right.

I hope it's not coming off as too demeaning.

It's just, um, what I'm trying to get across here is like, people will

write things in their profiles where it's supposed to come off, kind

of like I'm easygoing, fun-loving.

Mm-hmm.

Without really claiming that they're looking for something real.

Right?

It's like that might be a perfect profile for somebody who is really

like, ah, just looking for whatever.

Mm-hmm.

Cool.

Uh, For someone who is looking for long-term relationship, that's

really what they're craving.

It's not a match.

You're gonna end up going on dates with people who are looking for that

casual, fun-loving person rather than the fun-loving, long-term

relationship person that you are.

Right?

Yes,

absolutely.

Yeah.

So should we talk about how to address this?

There's a, there's a solution.

Oh, thank goodness.

Yeah.

That's good

for, that's the dating coach

specialize in dating possible way to improve our dating strategy.

Yes.

So one way to address this is to clarify what you're looking for mm-hmm.

In a partner.

Yep.

Again, use our what to look for in a partner free guide to get a

clearer sense of your ideal mate.

That is the foundation of your dating strategy.

It's like if you don't know what you're looking for, how are you gonna

know where to find it and if you found it

right?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yes.

So once you're clear, uh, I'm gonna invite you to think like your ideal mate.

Okay.

When you're deciding where to go to meet the.

A potential mate, how to write your profile, what apps to be on, put yourself

in your hypothetical ideal mate's shoes, where are they spending time?

What kind of profile copy and pictures would excite them, right.

If you've identified, okay, yeah, I'm looking for a, you know, an introverted

person who is artsy and loves cats.

Then you're maybe gonna wanna include a profile picture with you and your cat.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Maybe you with a book.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

You know, you don't need to be a different person, but you're

highlighting the things that you imagine they would respond really well to.

Right.

I love that.

And then the last piece around improving dating strategy to improve the spark, I

want you to think about really filtering your potential mates now that you're

clear on what your deal breakers are.

Don't be afraid to say no to matches that don't fit your list of requirements

so that you're not going on these dates where you're like, this person is

really just not someone I wanna date.

Mm-hmm.

And this is gonna be especially true for you if you were saying yes to

most or all of your matches previously out of that sense of scarcity.

This is less true for people who have the really long list and have been a

saying no to most people for a long time.

Right?

Yeah.

And I'll just add that you're dating strategy.

If, if, if you're in that camp of someone who maybe doesn't have a lot

of experience dating yet and you're not quite sure what you're looking for, my

invitation is to let this be iterative.

Let this be something that you experiment with, right?

You kind of have a hypothesis.

You start with, oh, I think I'm looking for somebody who's X, y, Z.

And then you're gonna go on some dates.

You are gonna try some things.

You're gonna discover, oh, I really loved this thing about that

person that really worked for me.

This other thing I realized isn't that important.

Or, uh, you know, I don't really care about that.

Yeah.

And so you're gonna, you're gonna get more information over time.

That's perfect.

That's exactly how.

It's gonna work.

Yes.

You, you're not, this isn't something that you just kind of are born knowing and

just spills out of your head fully formed.

Uh, so just to take the pressure down a little bit, this is something

that you'll develop over time.

Yes.

Beautiful point.

Yeah.

And dating in general is an iterative process.

I love that you're highlighting that.

The other thing that you can hold onto, if it's hard to know what

you're looking for, is to think about non-romantic relationships.

Mm-hmm.

Love that.

Love that.

Your friendships, the other kinds of connections you've had

where you've felt really seen, uh, seen, supported, and loved.

Brilliant.

Perfect.

Okay, so we are in the home stretch.

Then we've got one more for you.

Mm-hmm.

Which is,

Context is a turnoff,

sad trombone.

So the context is a turnoff.

Tell me, uh, tell me what are some of the tells for this one?

Yes.

Tell me the tell.

So the tells are, you feel stressed by standard date settings or conversations.

Okay.

You typically only feel sexual desire under very certain circumstance,

circumstances, and or you tend to need things to be just right in

order for your walls to come down.

Mm-hmm.

You have a sense of where I'm going with this one?

I might,

I might.

So part of what I'm talking to, talking about here is I.

Context in the way that Emily Nagoski talks about.

Author of Come As You Are.

That's right.

One of our favorite sex educators.

Fantastic book.

Check it out.

Emily,

come on our podcast

please.

We love you.

So go on context.

Okay.

So in her book, uh, come As You Are, she speaks frequently about the importance of

context when it comes to sexual desire.

And so context refers to both external circumstances mm-hmm.

And your internal state.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So on a date, the context is gonna include the environment of the date.

Right.

It's going to also include your mindset.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So if you're in a setting that doesn't feel particularly pleasurable, right.

Again, if you're that introvert who doesn't love bars, it's

gonna be hard for you to feel a spark ' cause of that context.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Especially if, for you sparking really means sexual desire.

Right.

Now, let's take another example.

Maybe standard for state settings such as, you know, a wine bar, uh,

or a cafe feels really overwhelming for your highlight sensitive system.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

In addition to that, you go on this date after a long day of

work, which means your inner state is one of exhaustion and stress.

Mm-hmm.

And you're gonna add to that the interview, like conversational style

that comes with a lot of first dates that put you more into a performance

mode than a relaxed sensual mode.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So that's not one, but three things that could be turning your sexual desire off.

Yeah.

This relates to having sensitive sexual arousal breaks.

Mm-hmm.

Like driving a car with sensitive breaks.

Some people do find that even small things in the context can inhibit desire.

Things like an unpleasant smell or too much noise or early dating awkwardness

or lingering stress from the workday.

So in addition to what's called the dual control model, which refers to you

know, having breaks and accelerators in terms of sexual desire, some

of us have more sensitive breaks.

Okay.

There's also two different kinds of desire that people experience, which are

spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

You knew that?

Knew it.

I was ready.

I was ready.

Okay.

So what do you know about responsive and spontaneous desire?

Spontaneous desire is the desire that we think of.

I think most often when we think of sexual arousal, it's

just like, I want this person.

I'm really turned on.

It's just there.

Let's go, let's have sex.

Hmm.

And responsive desire is a kind of desire that, uh, shows up when we're

in a context that is associated with, with, with sex, with sexual stimuli,

sexually related content that isn't that kind of like out of the blue turn on.

But when we're in a context that is conducive to, or, or,

or stimulates our, our sexual desire, we experience more desire.

Yes.

Beautifully put.

Yes.

So most people do experience both spontaneous and responsive desire, and

there's a subsection of the population that only experiences responsive desire.

Mm-hmm.

Which would mean that it's gonna be unusual for you if, if that is you

to be on a first date and to have just the spontaneous spark mm-hmm.

Of, yeah, I'm really wanting to have sex with this person.

Right.

Right.

Especially if some of those other factors that you mentioned before, it's a

context that is not very sexual for you.

Your mental context, right?

Coming out of work does not put you in a place where you're

relaxed and, and an sensual place.

There could be all kinds of layers of context and style of desire,

responsive desire that might get in the way of experiencing a spark.

That's right.

You got it.

Yeah.

So for you, if responsive desire is the name of the game, you may need to be,

say, not at that busy cafe after work.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

You may need to be sitting with a glass of wine or a homemade

meal at one of your homes.

You may need to be having a really connected conversation

so you feel emotionally safe.

Right.

You may need, um, to hold hands or connect physically before your

body says, oh yeah, that mm-hmm.

And just in case you are hearing this and going, oh, but lack of spontaneous

desire doesn't sound healthy.

'cause I think a lot of people go there because it's sort of what

our society thinks is desire.

Right.

Good news, responsive desire is associated with greater satisfaction

in long-term relationships.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

There's nothing wrong with you.

That's right.

That's right.

We hoped your listener, if you take anything from this podcast

is, there's nothing wrong with you.

Shall we talk about how to address number seven?

The context is a turnoff.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Number one, go on.

Dates in pleasurable settings.

This is one of my favorite approaches to dating.

This, this, if, if you just got nothing out of this episode but

that, and you just applied that in your life, that'd be great.

Because even when you're going on dates that aren't, don't turn into romantic

relationships or long-term partnerships, at least you're doing something fun.

At least you're enjoying yourself in some way.

And and you're creating a context where there's a possibility for

the kind of connection, chemistry spark that you might be looking for.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

So, you know, maybe you choose more relaxing environments or maybe if just

sitting and talking raises your anxiety, instead you suggest an activity like

going for a walk or playing a game.

Right?

The more pleasurable the environment and the activity, the more

likely you are to feel a spark.

And

I'll just add, if you have a worry that other people you're might be dating

aren't gonna wanna do that, right?

It's like, oh, well most people go on dates at bars and, you know,

that's what people are expecting.

So that's why I should be doing Whether or not that's true, I

don't even know if that's true.

But whether or not that's true, your partner is gonna wanna do these

things with you, or at least they're gonna be down for it, even if it's

not like their favorite activity.

Uh, you want somebody who's gonna be like, great, let's go for a walk together.

Yeah, great.

Let's go have tea together, whatever it might be.

So, uh, I would just say give yourself permission to lean into these things

that you enjoy and invite potential partners into them with you.

'cause that's gonna be a good signal of whether they're a good long-term partner.

Absolutely.

It's a great, uh, way to qualify your lead.

Uh, another thing that you can do to address the context being a turnoff,

cultivate a positive mindset before dates.

I'm talking about like scheduling dates at a time when you're likely to

be relaxed and emotionally present.

Okay.

So if you're going on a date before, after work, use self-care practices that

help you shift out of a work mindset.

Things like meditation or exercise.

Maybe you take a bath, maybe you take a nap.

Use things like mindful self-compassion to adopt a self-loving attitude.

The more you like yourself, the the easier it's gonna be to feel others.

Beautiful.

I love that.

And then the third way to address the context being a turnoff is

get to know what turns you on and off.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

If you know what hits your sexual breaks, you can choose the settings and activities

that are more likely to spark your desire.

Okay, so Emily Nagoski has some great exercises around this in her book.

Come As You Are.

I definitely recommend reading that.

And doing some of those exercises more generally.

Just start to think about past moments of sexual connection

that felt really good for you.

Where your turn on was high, where you felt sparks, and

really look at the context.

Where were you?

Right?

What was the environment like?

What was going on with the relationship?

What was going on for you internally?

And start to really notice that there are patterns between some

of your peak spark moments.

Love that.

And I love that a lot, but I really do love it.

Yeah, it just makes me think, you know, that I, I knew about myself

while dating was like things like cigarette smoke, for example.

I'm very sensitive to and have a hard time.

Being around.

So that was not a good context for me to go to a place where people were smoking.

That's just not where I was gonna be relaxed and available for a connection.

So noticing, what are those things for yourself as well as I love

this piece, or what are the things that are turn ons or that mm-hmm.

Help you in be in that context that really works for you.

That's the seven.

That's the seven.

So we got Master Shervin sex in the city.

Fallacy, right?

Asexuality, right.

Dating, anxiety, unrealistic standards, avoidant attachment, ineffective dating

strategy, and the context is a turn.

Mm-hmm.

Beautiful.

Yes.

And I hope you heard in all of this, dear listener, that you don't have,

some of these are things that are not necessarily in your control, and yet

there are a lot of things that you can do.

In order to take care of yourself around, for example, avoid an attachment.

You can change the context.

You can adjust your expectations of dating, right?

There's so many ways you can empower yourself to have more

of that spark experience.

Beautiful.

Okay, well, that's all for today.

You can find the show notes with links to all the resources we mentioned in

this episode@relationshipcenter.com slash podcast.

And if you love today's show, go to relationship center.com/newsletter.

We'll send you a short, helpful email once a month with informative articles,

silly videos, behind the scenes glimpses and bookman recommendations and more.

Again, that's relationship center.com/newsletter.

Until next time, we love you too.

Bye bye.

I can read it.

Okay.

That's probably good for me to do the thing I'm supposed to do.

Well, only if you do it in that voice and if you love today's show.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh,

and if you Go ahead, did

you have a sound to make?

Oh, I was just gonna, I was gonna give the lead in for you, so Oh, great.

Do it.

Yeah.

That's all for today.

That's all for today, folks.

Oh, that's all

for today.

Thanks for tuning in.

Okay.

Realsies this time.

That's all for Can't do it.

Seriously?

No.