The name of the game is to stay away from shame. Criticism from others is quite often the source of that dreadful and hopeless degrading judgement. Challenge Toby C. as to why, in the midst of our instinctual drives for more security or love than is due to us, we step on the toes of others and they retaliate. Sometimes we unwittingly set ourselves up. In 12-Step recovery, when we clean house and calm down, many of us discover that those who mistreat us were often irritable, restless and discontent, too. Love and tolerance of others is our code.