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If we want to calm our raging anxiety and be happy, we'd better learn to shut up and
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stop complaining, right?
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Maybe.
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But maybe not.
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A 2015 study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology by Demiruti and
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Krompanzano tried to investigate the effects of complaining on mental health.
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The researchers asked half of their participants to write about a situation at work they were
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irritated by.
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And then they tracked the moods of these participants over the course of their workdays.
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They also had another non-complaining control group.
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The researchers discovered that the people who complained reported being less satisfied
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during the day and even into the next morning than those who didn't complain.
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Complaining they concluded does nothing to fix the problem and in fact just makes matters
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worse.
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But could there be more to it than this?
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It's obvious that excessive complaining can damage our relationships and bring other
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people down.
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But few can argue that good rant now and then isn't satisfying.
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The fact is, there will always be something annoying, unfair or uncomfortable in life.
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We can't pretend it isn't there or lie and say that it doesn't bother us, so perhaps
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it's worth figuring out how to complain properly.
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In the book The Squeaky Wheel, Guy Winch explains the technique he calls the Complaint
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Sandwich.
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This is a way to make complaints so that they actually help solve your problems rather than
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just exacerbate your bad feelings about those problems.
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Here's how to make the sandwich.
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The first slice of bread is the ear opener to gently introduce your complaint to another
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person.
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The meat of the sandwich is the complaint itself.
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The other piece of bread is the digestive, which helps the complaint go down better.
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For example, note the three parts in the following sandwich.
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I'm very happy you've agreed to take on this project.
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You haven't followed the instructions for the first part though, I'm sure it was just
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a mix-up, but if you could sort it out as soon as possible I would really appreciate
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it.
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You see, the problem with the way the people in Demirudi and Crumponzano's study complained
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was that it was impotent.
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The complaints never served any purpose and never went anywhere, but complaining can be
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put to good use if we approach it with either a solution or a very particular goal in mind.
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Stretchy complaining can actually be empowering if done correctly.
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You could complain about the weather to break the ice and make small talk with someone you
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don't know.
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You could complain to make sure others know not to take you for granted or try to wriggle
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out of responsibilities.
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You could complain to bring attention to unacceptable behavior.
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Kowalski and colleagues published a study in the Journal of Social Psychology that asked
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the question, how do happy people complain?
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They concluded that happy, or more accurately mindful people, tended to complain in a deliberate
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way and complained productively.
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The authors claim, perhaps people who are more mindful modulate the type of complaints
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they offer, preferring to engage in instrumental types of complaints over expressive complaints,
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whereby expressing complaints only when they believe they will accomplish desired outcomes.
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So how do we engage in more instrumental complaining?
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One thing is to make sure that we don't dwell.
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Expressing unhappiness can be cathartic, can lower anxiety, and can get things moving.
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But if we don't stop complaining, we risk dwelling on those bad feelings and milking
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them for what they're worth.
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If you have something to whine about, put limits on it.
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Limit how long you'll vent and who you'll vent to.
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It's about moderation.
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It's seldom wise to complain excessively to someone you don't know well, so pick your
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audience wisely.
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Tell yourself that you're getting something off your chest, but after that you will either
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take constructive action or you will keep quiet.
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If something continues to bother you, use the energy of annoyance to power you to do
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something about it.
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If you cannot materially change your situation, then you could pick up your journal.
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But again, your intention counts.
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Instead of passively listing everything that's wrong in your life, use the written word as
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a way to process and release negative emotions rather than nurture them.
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Try to find some meaning or purpose in your annoyance, or use those pages to explore ways
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that you could cope and be more resilient.
