For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Arguments in relationships often start small but quickly spiral into deep disconnection. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs reveals why conflict escalates with the people we love most—and how to stop it before it starts.

With three powerful, practical techniques, Alastair guides you to shift from reaction to response, helping you transform your most difficult moments into opportunities for connection.

Key Takeaways:

-Anger is one of the biggest obstacles to resolving conflict—but even small changes can prevent regretful blow-ups.

-Trying to “win” an argument often sacrifices what truly matters: your connection and mutual respect.

-Shifting your mindset from defending your position to understanding your partner creates space for healing and collaboration.

-The “Magic Six Hours” technique helps couples intentionally invest in their relationship, building trust before conflict arises.

-Conflict is inevitable—but how you handle it determines whether it brings you closer or drives you apart.

-Support is available if you feel stuck—you're not alone, and real change is possible.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days

angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System

Do you remember the last argument you had with your partner?

Maybe it started over something small, but then suddenly became so much bigger.

Maybe it was about the mess in the kitchen or what time to put the kids to bed.

But as voices rose, it wasn't just about the dishes or the bedtime anymore.

Something deeper surfaced.

Frustration, misunderstanding, maybe even old wounds you didn't know were still tender.

And by the time it ended, both of you were left feeling drained, disconnected, and wondering how it got so out of hand.

So why does this happen so often, especially with the people we care about the most?

And why do the people we love seeing seem to bear the weight of our worst moments?

And more importantly, how do you stop this from happening before the damage becomes too deep to repair?

If you're listening to this episode, it says something important about you.

You haven't given up on yourself.

You're here because you want something better for your family, your partner, and for yourself.

And that courage, that willingness to try.

It's the first step toward change.

Today, I'm going to share three simple techniques you can use to stop conflict in its tracks and turn tense moments into opportunities to reconnect.

These aren't abstract theories or overwhelming programs.

They're practical tools designed for real life, tools you can use in your next conversation to shift from defensiveness to understanding and from conflict to connection.

Hello and welcome to episode 147 of the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm Alastair Dues, and before we get started, I want to say something important.

Thank you.

When I started this podcast almost three years ago, I had no idea how many courageous people would tune in and trust me to walk with them through some of life's toughest moments.

I'm humbled every week by emails and messages saying this podcast helped me or I finally believe it's possible to have a calmer home, to respond instead of react.

So if you're here today, it means you're willing to be honest about anger's impact on your life and your relationships.

That takes real courage.

I've spoken with hundreds of men and women who waited too long, who now live with regret over lost relationships, broken trust, even careers they couldn't save.

I don't want that for you.

If you feel overwhelmed right now, or if you're not sure where to begin, I want you to know there is help.

The first step can be as simple as having a conversation with me.

If you'd like guidance about what's going on for you, go to angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute anger assessment Call with me, tell me what you're struggling with, and let's talk about where you can go from here.

Remember, you're not alone in this, and if you're listening today, you've already shown that you're ready for something better.

Let's take that next step together, okay?

With that being said, let's dive into today's how to end arguments before they begin.

As you know, conflict is a normal part of any relationship.

No matter how long you have been together or how strong your relationship is, there will always be times when you and your partner do not see eye to eye on something.

It's simply a fact of life.

But one major factor that separates couples who struggle in their relationship from those who create strong, happy and long lasting relationships is how they manage conflict.

Instead of letting conflict consume them, happy couples use conflict as an opportunity to strengthen their bond and learn more about each other.

So here are three simple tips that can help you resolve relationship conflict in a healthy and productive way.

Control your anger Let me ask you something.

Have you ever walked away from an argument and thought, why did I say that?

Maybe you didn't want to blow up.

Maybe you promised yourself that next time you'd keep your cool.

But when emotions hit their peak, anger can take over.

And fast.

In fact, anger is often the biggest war between you and a resolution.

When tempers flare, it's easy to say or do things you regret, Words that can't be taken back, actions that leave scars.

And the truth is, when anger dominates, it can make your partner feel unsafe or unheard.

The conversation shuts down suddenly.

It's not about solving the problem anymore, it's just about surviving the storm.

I've worked with enough couples to tell you this cycle is common, but it isn't inevitable.

And here's something I repeat anger never truly works.

It doesn't help you be heard or move you closer to understanding.

It just widens the gap.

So if you want to change this destructive pattern of conflict, the first step is learning how to manage anger in healthier, more constructive ways.

Even small shifts Pausing, breathing, stepping away for a moment can change the tone of a conversation.

If you're looking for support with this, know that you don't have to figure it out alone.

Visit my website, angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute anger assessment call.

Let's talk about what's been happening for you and how you can move forward one step at a time.

Seek to understand, not to win Let me ask you something.

Have you ever found yourself trying so hard to make your point in an argument that you lose track of what really matters.

It's so easy to slip into the mindset of winning, proving you're right, getting the last word.

But often what gets lost in the heat of the moment is the health of your relationship itself.

When you argue just to be right, the conversation turns into a tug of war.

All the little things whose turn it was to do the dishes, a comment taken the wrong way suddenly take on outsized importance.

The original connection between you and your partner starts to fade behind the need to win.

But what if you paused and took a different approach?

What if, instead of focusing on victory, you focused on understanding your partner?

Imagine asking yourself, why does this matter so much to them?

Or what am I not seeing from their side?

I've worked with many couples who have been stuck in cycles of arguments for for months, sometimes years, over issues that deep down weren't about the dishes or the laundry at all.

The turning point always comes when they stop fighting for the upper hand and start genuinely listening to each other.

And more often than not, when they truly hear one another.

The solution is something neither of them saw before.

Seeking to understand isn't always easy, especially if old habits run deep.

But it's one of the most valuable skills you can build.

When you make this shift, not only do problems become easier to solve, but the connection you feel with your partner grows stronger.

You move from opponents to allies.

It takes practice, sometimes a lot of it.

But the payoff is worth it.

Not just fewer arguments, but more trust, more closeness, and a deeper sense of respect between you.

Practice the Magic Six Hours Let me share one more practical idea, one that truly has the power to transform your relationship, even if things feel stuck or strained right now.

It's called the magic six hours, a concept developed by the renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman.

If you haven't heard me talk about it before, trust me, this is one of the most valuable tools I can offer you.

Here's how it works.

Imagine carving out just six hours each week.

Not to tackle chores or tick off your to do list, but to intentionally nurture your relationship.

Six hours might sound like a lot, but spread over seven days, it's less than an hour a day.

And it's not about grand gestures.

It's about small, meaningful moments.

Having real conversations, showing appreciation, doing something enjoyable together, or simply being present and attentive with one another.

So why does this matter so much?

Because these small investments add up.

They build a steady foundation of trust, understanding, and connection.

So when conflict does show up, you've already put in the work to weather it together.

Plus, by regularly making time for each other, you keep the little problems from piling up and turning into major regrets.

If you want a guideline for what healthy couples actually do, this is it.

They don't wait for trouble to hit.

They make connection a habit.

And over time, those hours become the glue that keeps you close, especially when life gets tough.

So there you have it.

Three key steps to navigate relationship conflict in healthier, more productive ways.

These tips 1 control your anger 2 seek to understand, not to win and 3 practice the magic six hours.

And remember, conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it is how you handle conflict that determines whether conflict strengthens or weakens your bond with your partner.

Okay, that's it for today's episode.

How to end arguments before they begin.

If this episode was helpful for you, hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick review.

It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs right now.

And remember, if you want a free training on how to control your anger or a chance to chat one on one with me, just head over to angersecrets.com there's a free 30 minute call you can book.

No pressure, just a genuine conversation.

And if you're ready to get serious about changing how you show up in your relationship, take a look at the complete anger management system@angasecrets.com course.

I'd love to help you once and for all.

And finally, remember, you can't control what other people say or do, but you can control yourself.

And that's where your real power lives.

Take care and I'll talk to you soon.

The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.