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Speaking Up & Uncomfortable Conversations // with Rayna Rose Exelbierd
Episode 59 • 11th April 2024 • Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them • Carmelita Tiu
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Tough topics. Whether it's a disagreement with a coworker, or tackling uncomfortably conversations with our kids, it can be hard to know how to approach things.

Today's episode focuses on communication and conversations, exploring the impact of what we say or don't say on our lives and relationships.

  • 0:50 - Meet our guest, Rayna Rose Exelbierd, a motivational speaker, author, and advocate for kindness.
  • 4:20 - Rayna shares her experience with uncomfortable conversations, highlighting the importance of remaining calm and listening actively.
  • 11:15 - Discussing the necessity of asking specific questions to foster open communication with teens and children.
  • 15:40 - Addressing the misconception of sheltering children from challenging topics and the importance of age-appropriate discussions.
  • 21:05 - Encouraging parents to praise their children, reinforce their strengths, and instill a sense of self-worth.

Thank you for tuning in! Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and follow us on Instagram @knowthembethem. Here's to empowering women and raising resilient daughters!

Guest Spotlight: Name Here

Rayna Rose Exelbierd is the Chief Empowerment Officer, CEO of The Rose Grows. For the last decade, she has worked as a motivational speaker using her personal story to share lessons of rejection, resilience, and working with people who are different. Rayna emphasizes the importance of conversation and building relationships with other communities.

She has spoken to over a quarter of a million people. Rayna Rose has even more extraordinary stories about teens who made a difference under her mentorship. Through communication and leadership training, students have changed laws, received scholarships, launched businesses, and so much more!

About Rayna Rose Exelbierd:


About Your Host, Carmelita / Cat / Millie Tiu

Mom, spouse, coach, podcaster, wordsmith, legal eagle, retreat host.  Endlessly curious about how we can show up better for ourselves – because when we do that, we also show up better for our kids and those around us.  Visit carmelitatiu.com to learn more about Cat.


Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them

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Transcripts

Carmelita Tiu:

Welcome to know them.

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Be them, raise them a show to

help busy, mindful growth oriented

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moms stay informed and inspired,

especially as they're navigating

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their daughters tween and teen years.

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I'm Carmelita too, an

unapologetic multihyphenate.

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I'm a mom of two girls, a wife, a

certified life coach focusing on

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holistic personal development for

multi-passionate impact driven women.

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Also an attorney for

creatives and a podcast host.

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I love having conversations about how

we can live and parent, and relate to

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one another with intention, not just

by sharing ideas, but also by sharing

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actionable advice on how to move forward.

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Today's episode centers on communication,

conversations, What we choose to

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say or not to say, and what impact

and ripple effect that might have

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on our lives and our relationships.

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Here's the conversation.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: My guest

today is Rayna Rose Exelbierd and.

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I'm just so excited to have her here.

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Without further ado, I would

love Rayna for you to tell

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us a little about yourself.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Hi Cat.

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Thank you so much for

having me on the pod.

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I am so excited to know them, be them,

and most importantly, raise them.

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Um,

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I am the youngest in my family.

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I have three older brothers.

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Rayna means queen in Spanish and

certainly, through life experiences,

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I've seen that my name, has really

manifested as I get older and

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grow into that confident woman.

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I'm a motivational speaker.

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I am an author.

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I'm a connector.

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And most importantly,

I believe in kindness.

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I think that kindness and

connection are the most beautiful

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gifts you can give anyone.

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And from there you can really do

anything, and make anything happen.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Mm mm I,

also am a huge fan of promoting this

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idea of kindness, even if that may mean.

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Kind of having to take your stand for

something or maybe putting yourself

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in an uncomfortable position, right?

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Because I think especially for women

and girls, this idea of NICE is

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perpetuated, whether consciously or not.

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So I know some of your work and what

you've talked about in the past relates to

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this idea of uncomfortable conversations.

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Can you tell us a little more

about how you approach them and

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what you encourage your teens

and others to do when you speak?

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Totally.

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So first and foremost, my career started

because as the granddaughter of Holocaust

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survivors as a Jewish girl from Memphis,

Tennessee, I was really surprised to

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experience antisemitism for the very

first time when I started going to college

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in Boca Raton, which is a city that is

primarily Jewish, for those listening.

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And it really challenged my idea of

my identity because at first I knew

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what people were saying weren't true,

but I really didn't have like the

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information, or the knowledge to

be able to support what I was saying

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outside of my life experiences.

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And at first, when I was going through

the anti-Semitism, you know, my response

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was like, Crying, raising my voice,

telling people that they were wrong.

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And not only did that not lead

to another conversation, but most

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importantly, the people who were

watching me have these discussions with

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some of these bullies on my campus.

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From the outside, they didn't know

what either one of us were thinking.

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They saw one person calm,

they saw me freaking out.

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So one of the first things I

learned when it comes to facing

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uncomfortable conversation is

you really have to be calm.

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Sometimes that means if you're feeling

more, sad or or angry in that moment

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maybe writing down your feelings and

having the actual conversation later.

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I also learned this at my old job.

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You know, sometimes things come up and

we get really tense and we don't know

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what the other person is, is thinking or

doing on the other side of the laptop,

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you know, on the other side of the screen.

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It's really easy sometimes for us to

send that snarky email back before even

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realizing like, you are having a bad day.

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So you responded from the place

of being angry, whereas the other

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person is, they have no idea.

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You know, the best way that I can connect

that is when people get really upset,

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when someone cuts 'em off in traffic

and they're still talking about it

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and they're still screaming about it.

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The person forgot about you.

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Like as soon as they cut you off, like

literally you didn't exist anymore,

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right.

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They may not even have

known they cut you off.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Exactly.

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So I think number one, making sure that

you're calm and number two, making sure

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to respond at a time where like you have

a lot more clarity emotionally and I'll

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tell you, in business, sometimes I get

so excited when people wanna hire me to

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speak, that when I respond right away,

I'm actually like underselling myself.

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Whereas sometimes if I had taken that

time to wait, think about it, do a

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little bit of research, you know,

the value for, for what I'm able

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to provide , can, be much stronger.

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And the other big thing too that I

want to touch on with uncomfortable

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conversation is, you know, when I have

different life experiences with Uber

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drivers or strangers at the grocery

store, I always like to write up

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these different things that I learn

and lessons that have come up for me.

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And, during Covid I found myself sharing

a lot of these stories into different

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Facebook groups that I participate in.

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The biggest thing that I love about

when I share these stories is people

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share different perspectives, tips

and tricks that work for them,

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and it really promotes engagement.

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One of the things that I had mentioned

to you was in all the posts that I've

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ever created, there were two posts that I

made that seemed to cause a lot of drama,

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and really brought up this conversation

of what do we tell our children?

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How do we tell our children?

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And what should we be

telling our children?

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And the, two topics were.

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On, one post, I was mentoring students

online, helping students build confidence

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through leadership, communication

training, helping them apply their skills

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and gifts towards different projects.

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And, I'd actually been participating in

a mastermind leading up to that call.

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We had this speaker in the Mastermind and

one of the things he was talking about was

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how important it is when you're listening.

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Add a couple seconds to like your pause.

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count to 10 before you,

you start speaking.

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And so I went into this mentorship session

with a teenager and we were talking,

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and I was really being intentional

about this idea of listening more.

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Right?

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Because the other thing too, from

a psychological standpoint, If you

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want people to hear what you have

to say, you have to really listen

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to people first in order for them

to give you that same respect back.

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And I remember I was meeting with

this teenager, we'd been on the call

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for an hour and there's one minute

left in the call and she just like

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casually disclosed that, Someone

in her family, had said something

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inappropriate to her and had brought

up this idea that they could be sexual

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together if she wanted to experiment.

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And this was an adult who

said this to a teenager.

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And in that moment, I said, first I

said, you know, am I the first person

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that you're, you're telling this to?

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And she said, yes.

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So then I paused.

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And, you know, I started to explain to her

that, this is illegal and that, you know,

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I would never violate your trust, but this

is something that your mom has to know.

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Like, are you gonna tell your mom?

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Am I gonna tell your mom?

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And we really talked through it.

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And as we talk about like this,

you know, this idea of approaching,

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uncomfortable conversations, one.

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truly believe if I wasn't focused on being

a more intentional listener that day, I

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don't think she would have shared that.

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And number two, my first response, and

I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but

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my first response when this happened,

after I started talking to some people

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in my network, I said, oh, you know, I've

worked in the Jewish world for so long.

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I just, you know,

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It's the first time I've been around it.

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And one of my friends pointed out to

me, no Rayna, this isn't the first

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time that you've been around it.

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Because this is an issue that

affects people of all backgrounds.

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This is the first time that you have

been around a child who felt comfortable,

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Mm

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: share that with you.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: mm.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: And in that

moment, that's when I realized like,

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I have mentored thousands of kids.

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I've been in hundreds of schools.

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And you're right.

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So you know, I made this post in

some of these bond groups I'm in

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of, hey, like, You know, these are

some signs that you can look for.

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This is the experience that happened

to me and this is a conversation you

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should be having, with your children.

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And the amount of negative feedback

that I got from parents on, you

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know, how dare you bring this up.

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I got messages from moderators

about we had to take the post down

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because it was upsetting parents and.

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I mentioned that issue because again,

we know that this is something that's

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happening in the world, and this

idea of if we don't talk about it

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or if we don't tell our daughters

about it, then we're protecting them.

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We're actually doing them a disservice

because if we don't prepare our

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children to be able to speak up about

these things and we don't ask them about

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these things, cuz we think like, okay,

I'm not gonna mention it to my child,

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but if God forbid they experience this,

then I know that they're gonna come

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and they're gonna tell me about it.

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And, and the truth is, you can't

expect a young person to just tell you

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something because it was a challenge

for them or it meant something for them.

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It's really up to us to ask good

questions, meaningful questions,

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and to really listen and be

patient so that they can take the

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conversation where they want it to go.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 100%.

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as you were speaking, I was reminded

of a scenario with my own daughter

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where, I didn't think to ask a

very direct question, I would ask

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questions about her day, on a scale

of one to 10, what's your mood?

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things like that.

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and thankfully that's laid the groundwork

for many open conversations, but it

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wasn't until, she had already experienced

something that in retrospect, wish I had.

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She had approached me

about sooner, and she.

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made me realize that what would help

us both, and we talked about it after

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she shared her experience, was like

for me to ask a more specific question.

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Because to your point, unless we've

already normalized that depth,

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that type of questioning, it's not

something that we can expect kids

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to bring forward on their own.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: And think back

to when you were a kid, like for those

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who are listening like moms, we've

all had that moment where as a young

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adult, you went through something,

you hid it from your parents, and

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then eventually when they did find

out, you were like, oh my God, you

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weren't mad that X, Y, Z happened.

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You weren't mad that I

did blah, blah, blah.

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And I think sometimes as young people,

we forget that our parents are on our

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side, but there's this fear of, you

know, I'm gonna be rejected, I'm gonna

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get in trouble, I'm gonna be judged,

I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna be

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looked at differently because of X, Y, Z.

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When in reality we've all

been 13, 14, 15, once.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah.

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Getting in front of those conversations,

I'm reminded of, a previous guest

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I had on you know, sexual assault

for instance, is very uncomfortable

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for so many people to talk about.

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But, if we don't say, you

are not at fault.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Yeah.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: them and making

it clear that that's your belief and

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that's your stance, and that's the truth.

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That they can walk into a situation or

be a victim and then not feel comfortable

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coming forward because no one's ever told

them, they've never heard that dialogue.

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I love that you're reminding and,

and really informing people about

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this need to have uncomfortable

conversations and get in front of them.

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It's just like you said, it is, I

think your words were that it, we're

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doing them a disservice if we don't

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: a hundred percent.

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And what you said about the specific

questions, it reminds me, you know, when

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I worked in the nonprofit world and I'd

go into these events and I'd speak to

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all these parents and grandparents, I

would be in a room of like a hundred, 200

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people and I would say like, who's here?

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Like who here?

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Like has kids, your grandchildren

who experience antisemitism?

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And you know, sometimes like none

of them would raise their hand.

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And then I would then say to them,

okay, now raise your hand if you

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have actually asked your child,

your child or grandchild, have

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you experienced antisemitism?

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And usually only like two or three, like

less than a dozen hands would go up.

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Because again, it goes back to this idea

of you know, we know that this is bad and

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if our young person experiences something

bad, then they're just gonna tell us.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Mm-hmm.

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I think kind of related to that,

as parents, we might wanna believe

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that it's not gonna happen.

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And so on some level, we kind of don't

wanna introduce an idea that might,

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ruin their child's experience of the

world and introduce this idea that

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feels negative and dark and gross.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: I'll tell you

another place where that showed up.

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This idea of, you know, like we don't

want our children to know, about the

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world and, and the darkness is, the

only other post I've ever put up that

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like got so much controversy was the

day after the school shooting happened

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in Texas, a friend of mine who's a

single mom, she's out of the country,

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she asked me to drive her son to school.

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And as I'm driving her seven year old

school, we're talking about what happened

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in Texas and we're talking about, what to

do if a shooter comes to the school cuz

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they do have these active shooter drills

and we're talking about, you know, how

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lucky he is to be at a safe school and

that there's security, you know, and after

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I dropped him off, I've had this feeling

of just like, is this what every parent

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is feeling when they drop their children

off now at school with, you know, all of

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these shootings now being in the news.

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So I wrote this post about what

had happened and how I had talked

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to my friend's son about it.

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And to go back to your point of some

parents believe that sheltering

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our children is going to give

them a more beautiful childhood.

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The amount of parents who started

yelling at me about how dare you speak to

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somebody else's child, I refused to tell

my children about the school shootings

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and, you know, some of them, some of

the comments even got very hateful.

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But going back to this idea of.

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No matter how old these kids are, if

they're in school, they are having

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shooter drills and then to some degree

their classmates are talking about it,

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their teachers are talking about it, and

if we want our children to trust us, as

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the adult that he look up, looks up to?

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Like, for me, it made me feel like if I

were to just drop him off and not talk

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about anything that happened, That he

would have a weakened confidence in me.

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Like, how come, how, how come Rayna

didn't tell me about this morning?

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How come I didn't?

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Why am I just now knowing this?

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And, and that's a, that's a worse feeling

than, you know, we've all in our lives,

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been in a situation where we've heard

something from someone else before

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it came from someone that we loved.

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No matter how difficult the news

was, it almost stings more when

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we heard it from somebody else,

how did you wait to tell me?

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I, you know, I mean, it may even

sound simplistic, but even Santa

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Claus, like I've heard of so many

parents grappling with the fact that

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their kid finds out from another

kid at school about Santa Claus.

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And you know, and yeah, there's

a violation of trust there.

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I think it's, in one of our earlier

conversations, you had used the

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phrase, the cost of silence.

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And I think all parents really need

to think about when we don't speak, we

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intentionally don't speak about something.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Yeah.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: What,

at what cost it has the potential

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to weaken that sense of safety and

trust between you and your child or

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you and the children in your life.

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yeah, absolutely.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: And I'll tell

you too, like, not even just with tough

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topics, you know, I love my mom and

dad, like, any relationship, you have

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some really great things and you know,

you also have like some challenges.

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I remember like when I was younger,

something happened and I said to my

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dad, like, dad, don't you remember?

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And like my dad got really mad at me, he

screamed at me and I never forgot it.

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Cuz especially if he never gets

mad and it's one of the few times

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he got mad, like I remember it.

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I just was like so angry at him,

like, he's so mean, da da, da da, da.

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And I lost my dad a couple years ago,

but on this last trip where I was

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with my family in Ecuador, my oldest

brother, Donnie, we were talking about

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something and he starts laughing and

he goes, I don't know if you remember

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the time, but you said something to

dad about, like, do you remember?

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And he screamed at you.

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He goes, dad told me about it and

he felt so bad that he did that.

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And I'm laughing now with tears

as I'm telling you the story.

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It wasn't so funny when I was 10

years old or, or however it was.

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But it's interesting because I wish

my dad at some point had come back

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to me and said like, Rayna rose, I'm

sorry, I lost my temper yesterday.

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Like, you know what I mean?

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To hear that from my brother, it was

kind of like this reminder of like, holy

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shit, like my dad was an amazing guy.

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Like I love him, but I always was

holding onto the resentment from that one

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conversation only to learn, you know, 20

years later, my dad felt bad about it too.

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Like we were both, we both felt

bad about the conversation, but we

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didn't, you know, ever reconnect.

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So something that I didn't do with,

with my parents, something I got from,

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a woman named Dara Kurtz, she does

it, she did it with her daughter.

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She wrote a book about it, is this idea

of keeping a journal with your kids.

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Sometimes it's really easy

to remember, the arguments.

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It's not always so easy to remember, you

know, the positive things and this idea

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that, if there are things that you can

write in the journal like, Hey, I'm really

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sorry about what happened the other day.

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Like it just came up for me.

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Cuz also as parents, were

moving on to the next thing.

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You know, my dad could have very

well thought, Okay, I'm gonna bring

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this up to her only for like a

million other things to come up and

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it, and it to be, just organically

shifted out of the priority list.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Yeah, I love that idea.

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If we leave it to chance or, and only

verbal conversations, those windows of

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opportunity can be rare and infrequent.

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And who knows if the, if we'll remember.

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So having another mechanism to communicate

those thoughts and ideas to your kids

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that can be there for when they're able

to access it or whenever they want to.

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Uh, makes so much sense.

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.

Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Like I know you said you have two, two daughters

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and it's, you know, reminding them

like, you did so beautiful yesterday.

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Or like, watching you tutor your

friend, you know, and them getting

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an a on on their test was amazing.

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Or, I love that you cleaned

up the table last night.

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You know, these little things

that like, we think about.

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a compliment.

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I mean, not just with a child.

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A compliment goes a long way.

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with anyone.

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But we live in a world where we're,

and again, I'm, I know we're talking

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about teens, but these issues are

really relevant to, to everyone,

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and we live in the society where

we're, we're constantly being judged.

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We're constantly comparing ourselves.

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So the more that we can, you know,

use tough conversation, not only to

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to make our kids stronger, but also

reinforce how strong they already

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are.

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It goes, it goes such a long way.

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You know, I went to a woman's conference

where one of the segments was turn to the

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woman next to you and talk how you speak

to yourself in the mirror and hearing

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some of the terrible things that these

women said to themselves about how dumb

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you are and how could you even try like,

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always like

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super nice to myself, but I had to call my

mom afterwards and, and thank her because

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I realized, like my mom telling me my

whole life, be for Rayna, be independent.

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Like, I used to think it was kind

of annoying, but then when I was in

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an arena with 4,000 women and, and

I heard some of the terrible things

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that they tell themselves every day.

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I had to thank my mom for giving me that

gift, and I echo that to the moms who are

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listening that, you know, even if you feel

like you're, you're a broken record, like

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my mom telling me, every day be for Rayna.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hmm.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: As I grow

older and I go through different

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challenges, it takes on new meanings,

but it's a mantra that has really,

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really, really served me well.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hmm.

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Thank you.

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That is actually, I was going

to ask as we kind of drew to a

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close for a favorite quote or a

favorite, you know, affirmation.

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and you're welcome to share

one, but that actually resonated

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with me on a really deep level.

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Rayna Rose Exeibierd: I love that.

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Yeah.

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be for, Rayna.

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And an another one is,

don't dimmer your shimmer.

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There's gonna be people

who, are not your people.

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And when you focus on people who

aren't your people, it brings you

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down, it makes you less creative.

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just realize that sometimes what

people are bringing you down for.

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Most of the time, 99.99999% of the people

in your life love you for those reasons.

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And so don't change because ultimately

if what you believe in is true to you.

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Everything in your life will align

and eventually the people you know who

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truly love you, they'll support you.

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And most importantly, the people

who were there from the beginning,

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you'll know that those people were

your true support system, whether

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they were your family members or not.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Oh, I love that, Rayna.

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thank you so much.

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Such a pleasure having you.

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When Reyna shared how she heard

"Be for Rayna" all the time.

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What I heard was a constant push for

her to love and prioritize herself,

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which just sounds so amazing.

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It's a simple daily reminder that

she shouldn't put herself down.

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She should lift herself up,

that she's worth fighting for.

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And that her voice matters.

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I definitely want to say things

like that to my daughters.

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I praise them.

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I support them.

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I encourage them.

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And this reminded me that I also want

them to be able to do that for themselves.

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So good.

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In any event, here are my top

five takeaways from this episode.

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Number one.

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When facing uncomfortable conversations,

it's important to remain calm.

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Responding in anger or frustration may

not lead to productive discussions.

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It's okay, and a good thing to hit.

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Pause, process your emotions, and

respond at a time when you can have

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a more constructive conversation.

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Number two.

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Listen, if you want people

to hear what you have to say,

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you have to listen to them.

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Well, you have to make

space for others to speak.

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If you want them to give

you that same respect back.

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And this applies to our kids too.

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Number three.

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Asking specific questions is essential

for creating open lines of communication.

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Instead of asking vague questions about

our kids or how someone is, delve

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deeper by asking about experiences

favorite highlights or any challenges?

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They might've faced during the day.

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Number four.

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Sheltering children

from challenging topics.

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Does them a disservice.

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It's important to introduce age

appropriate discussions about issues

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like sexual assault or violence so that

kids feel comfortable coming forward if

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they encounter those kinds of situations.

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Think of it this way.

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If you don't say something on

the topic, there's a good chance.

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They will assume you can't

or don't want to discuss it.

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And that may keep them from sharing things

that you absolutely want and need to know.

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Number five.

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In thinking about saying the

hard things, remember to say

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and capture the good things too.

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Compliment your kids.

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Praise them for their strengths

and how they navigate struggles.

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And remind them to be for themselves.

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By instilling the sense of self-worth

we're giving our kids a vital

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tool that will help them navigate

life's challenges confidently.

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To learn more about Reyna and

all of the work that she does.

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You can follow her on Instagram

at the rose grows dot T R G.

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She's also the rose grows on

all social media platforms.

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You can find her on LinkedIn,

Raina, rose XL, veered.

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And she has the rose grows podcast.

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Rayna also recently released

her second book, the girl

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who wore two different shoes.

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So if you Google that I'm sure you'll

find more information about her.

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You can also find all of

these links in the show notes.

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Thank you so much for listening.

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I know you make choices in what

you choose to bring into your life

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:

and being busy and mindful myself.

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I don't take those decisions lightly.

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So it means a lot.

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I appreciate you.

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:

And I'm celebrating you for showing

up and incorporating these tools

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:

and findings in your own lives.

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If you haven't already do follow

or subscribe to the podcast,

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leave a rating and follow at

no be raised them on Instagram.

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:

Thank you again for listening.

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And here's to strong women.

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May we know them?

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May we be them?

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And may we raise them?

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