What does love do when it could win the argument but wound a heart? In this episode of Born to be a Butterfly, host Nina Pajonas continues our 1 Corinthians 13 series with verse 5—“Love does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking.” We unpack the biblical meaning of dishonor (shame, contempt, slander), how self-centeredness quietly drives it, and what Christlike love looks like in real life. Nina shares personal insight on church hurt, gossip, and shame—and how Jesus restores dignity and redirects our hearts toward humility, healing, and transformation. You’ll hear Scripture, practical steps to guard your words, reconcile relationships, and serve without seeking credit, plus reflection questions and a closing prayer. If you’ve wrestled with comparison, criticism, or being misunderstood, this conversation will help you honor others without abandoning truth—and grow in spiritual maturity.

Listen for:

• What “dishonor” means in the Bible (and why it’s so destructive)

• How “not self-seeking” reframes conflict, community, and service

• Practical ways to resist gossip, shame, and performative kindness

• Reflection prompts + prayer for freedom, integrity, and Christlike love

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📖 Ready to dive deeper into healing and transformation? Get my book, From Broken to Butterfly, on Amazon today! 

📩 If you have any questions or want to connect, send me a DM on Instagram at Born To Be A Butterfly or email me at ninapajonas@gmail.com. I love hearing from you! 

Remember, the Lord can turn your wounds into wings—you were Born to be a Butterfly! 🦋

Born to be a Butterfly © 2025 Nina Pajonas All rights reserved. The content of this podcast is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. For the full disclaimer, visit ⁠ninapajonas.com.

Hey friend.

I hope you're having a beautiful and blessed day.

I'm continuing with my Love like the Lord series where we are analyzing Corinthians 13,

verses 4 through 7,

the famous love passage.

But today we're focusing on where Paul says that love does not dishonor others and that it's not self seeking.

If you've ever felt misunderstood,

misjudged, or even talked about instead of talked to,

this episode is for you.

Let's be honest ladies.

Some words cause wounds that last long after the moment passes.

There are things that people have said to you and things that people have said to to me that are difficult,

very difficult to forget and left unhealed,

those things can permanently misshape our identity.

So today I want to slow down with you and take a look at what Scripture calls us to,

which is a love that protects dignity and lets go of self seeking.

Welcome to Born to Be a Butterfly, where we embrace healing and growth in Christ so that we can experience true transformation.

I'm your host Nina Pajonas and I pray that today's episode ministers to you.

The Lord put it on my heart a while ago to do this series and I was eager to jump into it because this passage has always been my favorite.

Because essentially Paul tells us what love is and what love isn't.

He doesn't just focus on love at its purest,

he discusses what pollutes it and what perverts it.

We have a clear list of do's and don'ts when it comes to love and if we're smart,

we will take it to heart.

Our God is a God of love.

So if you think about it,

this passage tells us how to bear his image well and it also tells us what traps to avoid.

As Paul takes us deeper into this passage, he tells us that it's not enough for love to be kind and patient.

He's telling us here that it must also refuse to shame others and refuse to be self centered.

These two qualities work hand in hand.

Love does not tear down and love does not insist on its own way.

In the Bible,

dishonor means bringing shame,

disgrace,

contempt or injury toward God,

others,

or even ourselves through disrespect,

immorality,

rebellion or harm.

It can mean a lessening of dignity or violating someone's virtue.

In short,

it robs a person of their God given worth.

In my story,

shame led me into the throes of alcohol addiction and it kept me there.

I am beyond grateful that our Savior rescued me and set me free,

not just from addiction but from the shame I felt about my very existence.

Once the shame was lifted,

I could finally heal,

and I learned how to love myself again.

Now, let's talk about this from a historical context,

because it's very necessary with regards to what Paul is saying and why he is saying it.

In Corinth, dishonor showed up when the wealthy humiliated the poor at the Lord's Supper,

which can be found in 1 Corinthians 11, 20, 22.

It also showed up when people flaunted spiritual gifts to elevate themselves.

It also happened when believers publicly shamed each other in disputes.

And what Paul was saying about all of this was that it was not love.

All of that was pride in disguise.

And now I'd like to read a quote from theologian Matthew Henry,

because it perfectly explains what Paul is speaking about.

Matthew Henry says,

love will do nothing to injure the character of another.

It will not expose a brother's faults to make sport.

And now let's look at a biblical example.

I'll be reading John 8:1 11:NIV.

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

@ dawn, he appeared again in the temple courts where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman who caught in adultery.

They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus,

teacher,

this woman was caught in the act of adultery.

In the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women.

Now what do you say?

They were using this question as a trap in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them,

let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this,

those who heard began to go away,

one at a time,

the older ones first,

until only Jesus was left.

With the woman still standing there,

Jesus straightened up and asked her,

woman,

where are they?

Has no one condemned you?

No one, sir,

she said.

Then neither do I condemn you. Jesus declared,

go now and leave your life of sin.

I know that that was a lot for me to read.

But Jesus handled the situation perfectly.

As usual.

He could have used that woman to make a point,

but instead he shielded her from public shame.

He confronted her accusers and spoke to her privately about repentance.

This subject of dishonor and shame,

it's a really sensitive subject for me.

Shame didn't just wound me,

it Drove me.

It drove me to alcoholism.

It drove me into despair.

It drove me into self destruction.

It almost drove me into my own grave.

And I don't say that lightly.

I say that truthfully because at the end of my alcoholic journey,

I almost killed myself.

And trust me when I tell you that shame was the motivating factor behind all of it.

And as I've said it before, I'll say it again, the only thing that stopped me was a phone call from our Savior. And when I say it was from our Savior, it was from a sister in Christ who I hadn't heard from in a while.

And. And she said something, told her to call me.

That was Jesus.

He told her to call me to save me.

That's why I take this subject so seriously.

Because I know what it did to me and I know what it does to other people, too. I'm not alone in this.

I'm not the only one who has felt this way. And I know that.

And I have to let you know how I healed and who provided me healing. It was Jesus. It was the great physician. He healed my heart.

Alcohol was just the method I used to hurt myself if somebody angered me or made me question my worth.

When they tore me down instead of building me up,

I would turn on myself.

If they told me with their actions or their words that I was without value.

I declared myself without value.

And I would continue to hurt myself.

I would continue to kill myself with alcohol every day.

Every day.

I write about this in my book.

My apartment in North Carolina had so many bottles in it that when my best friend came to help me clean it,

she looked around,

she started crying.

And she's not a woman that cries easily.

And she said to me,

are you trying to kill yourself?

And I looked at her and I said, yes.

Yes, I am.

Because I hated myself that much.

And it was shame.

Shame made me hate myself.

So I take this so seriously, sisters, I can't even begin to tell you how I despise shame.

I don't want to hate anything, right? I really don't. But man,

I know what it does.

I know what it does. And I'm sorry if I went off on a tangent, but I just. I have to be honest about my pain. I have to tell you where I was so you understand what a miracle it is that I am where I am now.

That I could speak to you from any type of knowledge or any type of healing or self love.

I need you to know what a miracle it is.

So that if you're having the same problem or problems that you run to our Messiah for healing because he is the only one who can help you.

The One who created you can heal you.

The longer I walked with the Lord,

the more my gift of discernment grew.

And it allowed me to finally recognize the lies from the truth.

But the only reason I was able to was because I was walking closely with Christ,

who is the truth.

Other people can lie to us,

and we can even lie to ourselves.

But Jesus told me who I am in him. And that is what steadies me when others want me to doubt myself.

That is what steadies me when I start believing lies about myself that I tell myself.

Because frequently trauma victims talk to themselves in a way that's unhealthy.

It's a habit that we develop over the years, and it's not easily broken.

You can't expect that that verbiage is just going to vanish from your mind overnight.

As we heal and our Savior tends to our wounds,

our words change,

the way we speak to ourself changes.

And the Spirit is going to lead us to speak to ourselves lovingly.

The Spirit is going to remind us that we're the light in the world, that we're not the darkness,

that we lived there once, that we don't have to live there again,

that we are beloved by our Lord and Savior,

that we are more precious than rubies.

The Holy Spirit reminds us of all the beautiful qualities that Christ has given his daughters.

And they have nothing to to do with what's on the surface.

It has everything to do with our character.

Our complexions don't make us beautiful ladies.

Our compassion does.

And compassion is not just for other people.

I can't be compassionate to someone else if I am not first compassionate with myself.

I cannot give someone else grace if I am refusing to to give myself grace.

The way we talk to ourselves and the way we think of ourselves is projected on other people.

Whether you realize it or not.

If you don't love yourself well, you cannot love other people well.

Your wounds are going to bleed all over them. Your insecurities are going to follow them or torment them. It's not going to work.

But the only way we can learn to love ourselves appropriately and in a healthy way and not with false bravado or pride or selfishness.

The only way we learn how to love well is from our Savior.

Shame is so pervasive in today's society,

and this is what I have found.

People often shame you when they are the ones who have done something that they should be ashamed of.

It's a tactic of the enemy.

Distract and destroy.

They'll even recruit other people.

They think that numbers make slander look like the truth.

But actions speak louder than words.

Look at people's actions.

If their actions consistently show honor and someone screams that they're dishonorable,

you should be able to say,

that's not what I see.

Not everyone will be discerning,

and that's unfortunate.

But we're not called to follow the crowds.

We are called to follow Christ.

If someone approaches you with the intention of gossiping or slandering someone,

set a boundary.

You can simply say,

I have two eyes and two ears.

If I see it or hear it, I'll know for myself.

I don't need you to tell me who someone is.

Also remember,

if they do it to others,

they are likely to do it to you.

If someone spends their time destroying another person's character,

they've already revealed their own.

Shame is Satan's favorite narrative.

After all,

he is the accuser of the brethren.

And when people dishonor others,

that's exactly what they are doing.

They are accusing other people of bad behavior.

And if they're doing so in a public manner, they are looking to humiliate them.

And there is nothing honorable about that.

Let's take a look at where Paul says love is not self seeking.

And again, I want to give some historical context to this,

so you better understand why he was calling this out.

He was calling it out because Corinthian believers were competing over leadership.

They were competing over gifts and influence.

They were even suing each other.

And Paul corrects them.

He lets them know that love doesn't run on hidden agendas.

And now let's take a look at Philippians 2,

verses 3 through 4.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather in humility, value others above yourselves.

Not looking to your own interests,

but to the interests of others.

Now let's discuss how these two things work together.

Not dishonoring means that we keep ourselves from tearing others down.

And not self seeking means that we move to actively build others up.

Both require humility,

empathy and a genuine desire to see others from flourish.

So let's look at this practically.

How can we implement this in our day to day lives?

In speech,

before talking,

we need to ask ourselves,

will this build someone up or tear them down?

In service,

we need to serve without needing credit or recognition.

In conflict,

we need to seek resolution without humiliation.

That means no public shaming.

In community,

we need to celebrate others wins as if they were our own,

we should get excited and we should be encouraging others when they are stepping into success.

As for gossip,

refuse recruitment into slander with yourself.

If shame has you feeling as though you are in shackles,

repent if needed,

receive the Lord's grace and mercy and move forward.

Do not fall into the trap of putting yourself into the In a self punishment cycle,

Jesus has paid for all of your sins,

past,

present and future.

If he has forgiven you,

you must forgive yourself.

If you don't,

you're saying that your moral standards are higher than our Saviors and that is not the truth.

And now I'd like to ask you a couple of questions because if we don't self reflect,

we won't self correct.

1.

In what situations are you tempted to dishonor someone through words,

tone or subtle digs?

2.

Where have you been self seeking and what is one concrete way that you could put someone else's needs before your own this week?

Can you help someone if it doesn't help you remember love is an action.

It's not enough to say you love someone,

you should show them.

And helping them when there is absolutely nothing in it for you is a great way to because it's selfless and maybe even sacrificial.

And that,

my sister,

is the way that Jesus loves us.

He loved us so much he sacrificed his life for us.

Let's pray.

Lord,

thank you for showing us what true love looks like. Through Jesus,

help us to honor others in how we speak and act even when it's hard.

Remove selfish ambition from our hearts and replace it with a desire to see others thrive.

Guard us from the accuser's shame.

Teach us to walk closely with you,

eyes fixed on the one who despised shame and set us free.

Teach us to love like you do,

with humility,

grace and selflessness.

In Jesus name.

Amen.

If today's message spoke to you, please share it with a friend and follow Born to Be a Butterfly so you never miss an episode.

If you're ready to dive deeper into my story of healing and transformation,

get my book From Broken to Butterfly on Amazon.

If you have any questions or would like to connect,

Send me a DM on Instagram at @Born to be a Butterfly, or you can email me at nina.pajonas@gmail.com.

you can find the link to my email in the episode Description until next time.

Remember the Lord can turn your wounds into wings.

You were born to be a butterfly.