Recalling her early family life, Ann said she felt like her parents were sucked into feeling like they had to have a family, and while they were focused on creating a better world in their professional lives, that didn’t necessarily translate to their home life. She always had the feeling her parents cared more about appearances than about who their children were in their uniqueness. Ann sought out her birth mother, but found her maternal grandmother instead. The woman’s receptivity to Ann’s return seemed to be a good sign but ended with secondary rejection. There has only been one cousin who has accepted Ann into her life, and that’s because she’s distanced herself from the family too.
Read Full TranscriptAnn: 00:04 If that was her, if that was your upbringing, and then all of a sudden union happens in Georgetown poor thing. she gets shuttled off to a home for unwed mother that I’ve also researched and it just looks almost slave like, so yeah, I have a whole lot more empathy and compassion and I really feel for the fact that she had such a societal burden to bear,
Damon: 00:35 who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I in mind?
Damon: 00:47 This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on Today’s show is Ann she lives in West Virginia. Recalling her early family life. She said she felt like her parents were sucked into feeling like they had to have a family and while they were focused on creating a better world in their professional lives that didn’t necessarily translate into their home life. Ann sought out her birth mother, but found her maternal grandmother instead. The woman’s receptivity to Ann’s return seem to be a good sign, but ended with secondary rejection. There has only been one cousin who has accepted Ann into her life and that’s because she’s distanced herself from the family too. This is Ann’s journey
Damon: 01:39 Ann said she learned she was adopted when she was four years old. Her friend Jenny was at her house when Ann’s mother decided to tell her that she was adopted, but Jenny was not. Ann’s mom neglected to clearly explain that Ann was not born from her own womb, so Ann thought that her mother was saying the reverse was true. She thought Jenny was not born from her mother’s womb. Ann and her sister, also an adoptee who is a year and a half younger than herself, discovered what it meant together. Their family moved overseas to Brazil where they got a reality check on the course openness with which people inquired about their adoptions.
Ann: 02:17 The expatriate community was much smaller and sort of more in your face and when we told people we were adopted, it was always met with “who is your real family, who’s your real mother?” And so after a couple of years of dodging that and feeling kind of inferior about our adoption, we made a pact, my sister and I, that we just wouldn’t tell anybody anymore that we were adopted because we didn’t like we didn’t like the questions
Damon: 02:46 Ann describes her family as socially committed and one that presented great educational experiences and provided for them financially and intellectually in every way, but they could have been better about providing emotional support and said she feels like when she and her sister were adopted in the 1950s, societal norms dictated that a couple should have children and be a family, but she’s not sure they want it to be parents. They were very concerned about making the world a better place through their work in the foreign service and social work. But that didn’t necessarily translate into making a strong family. When I asked Ann what she meant by that, she be called a story from when she was 16 and her sister was 15 and her sister had gotten pregnant.
Ann: 03:30 And the first reaction from my mother was, who have you told? And my father’s first reaction was how often does this sort of thing happen and who knows?` So it was um, it was, it was about the exterior,
Damon: 03:52 it was about the perception in the community, not about the welfare of your sister.
Ann: 03:57 Exactly. Right. So I ended up being the one that cared for her during her decision making.
Damon: 04:03 So what was it like then for you to sort of see them witnessed their daughter be pregnant, not really provide any emotional support and be completely about what the community was like, like what is your, how did you feel about your parents at that time? Do you recall?
New Speaker: 04:19 Well, I felt then and frequently through my upbringing that they cared more about what, what people thought rather than who we were. I don’t think that they were prepared as people to really understand and cherish who, who we were in our specialness or differentness
Damon: 04:37 I got you. And how were you guys special and different?
Ann: 04:41 Well, my younger sister is no longer alive. She succumbed to drug abuse very early on and really never kicked it. But how was she special? She was get an amazing sense of humor and amazing ability to sort of see, um, before anybody else. Did
Damon: 05:06 If I may, did her drug abuse come from the time after her pregnancy or do you, do you get the impression that she was already down that path?
Ann: 05:15 I think ninth grade for her was a, was a, was a very important turning into a very dark future.
Damon: 05:24 And was that the time that she was pregnant?
Ann: 05:27 Yeah.
Damon: 05:28 Yeah. How were you then? If you were the caregiver and your sister is on a path towards abuse, what was your sort of social situation and your level of responsibility? Tell me about you as a kid.
Ann: 05:44 Well, Until That same year I was kind of considered the bad kid because I was the one who acted out the one who, as my father said, I ran away from home as soon as I learned to walk, I was the one who I was the one who was always getting lost, but at that point that year we switched and I became the, the good student and she became the bad student. And I became, um, sort of, in my opinion, the truth teller a, but it was not accepted. So when I found the drugs, um, for example, one time in her room and I shared them with my parents, I was the one who was reprimanded for snooping and she was the one who got off with an excuse about diabetic friends.
Damon: 06:31 wow, really. So they enabled her, from early
Ann: 06:34 Yeah. Yeah.
Damon: 06:36 Fast forwarding to adulthood and set. Her sister moved in with their mother, but it was clear her sister was taking advantage of their mother and documented the depletion of her mother’s bank account. And there were strangers coming to the front door. One of them wielding a gun. Annf Was forced to take over guardianship of their mother and kicked her sister out.
Ann: 06:57 At one point when this was happening, my sister basically, whatever happened to unconditional love? So I think, for her supporting her behavior was all about test of love because she never really felt the love she needed.
Damon: 07:15 Sometimes that happens, people push and push to try to find the boundary for where their loved ones won’t love them anymore. At least love as they’ve defined it, given what she had been through with her sister and her own adoption Ann decided at 18 years old to dedicate her life to reproductive rights, family planning, and had a multi decade career in public health
Damon: 07:38 and was that a direct result of her pregnancy?
Ann: 07:42 Well I think its a result of that and I think it also goes back to my adoption. My birth mother had no choice and I’ve always thought it was interesting when people say, well, I wouldn’t have been born, and I’m like, does that really matter? In the big scheme of things, it’s really
