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Maranda: show notes. 


And all of you guys that hang out with me on the regular know that I am obsessed with postpartum right now because of our postpartum membership. Thank you. Welcome, Miranda. 


Maranda: Thank you so much. I'm very excited to be here. Finally! It's been a long time in the making! I know. 


Trish: Our lives are crazy. 


Miranda and I have been trying to connect for eight I want to say it's close to eight or nine months. It's something 


Maranda: crazy. Absolutely crazy. Yeah. 


Trish: Life is weird sometimes. 


Trish: ever. Ever. Because, that's one thing I love so much about my husband because I tend to be like, even though I focus so heavily on mindset inside of my birth classes and my memberships. 


So the rest of you guys plug your ears. Miranda, I tend to be like an all or nothing, doom or gloom, like immediate reaction type of person. And my husband is. And he's so good at pausing and saying, okay, this means this is the way it's supposed to be and like something good is going to come from it. So he's always like timing is perfect. 


And so he would say. That we didn't connect before because this episode was so meant to be, and it's going to be exactly what was supposed to happen. 


You keep me stable because I'm the all or nothing too. And yeah I can totally feel that. 


Trish: Yeah, we definitely struggle with that. And just a funny side note, I am trying to start meditating and I'm always like my eight year old can't sit still for two seconds. And so today I did five minutes of meditation, which. 


I realized, I now know why my son cancels till he totally gets it from me. So mindfulness and positive thinking is not my natural go to. So I'm gonna try. So today is going to be amazing, meant to be episode that we've been trying to do for eight months. That's what that is all about. Anyway. So today we're going to talk about the mother wound, which when I was like preparing for this episode over the last eight to nine months. 


So today, we're going to talk about the mother wound. But first, I would love to talk to you about your own birth experiences, because this is the birth experience with Labor Nurse Mama. And everyone who knows me knows I'm obsessed with birth. And I'd love to hear about, briefly, obviously, because the big topic is the mother wound. 


But I would love to hear about your own birth experience and how that brought you into this passion for the postpartum world. 


He's large. I've created a man, which is so crazy to feel and to see and to witness. But that started 14 years ago and I now have four children. I had a amazing birth experience with him. I had a home birth, which is not something that most people go into full force. But again, here I am all or nothing, right? 


I wanted that experience. I was terrified of hospitals let's just face it. So I was terrified of hospitals and I didn't feel like I had much of any other choice at hand and it was an incredible experience. But nothing could really prepare you for that, right? I felt 14 years ago, this is not something, we didn't have online memberships. 


Trish: everything. Wait let's. Let's stop for a second. For those of you guys who don't know, back then we had these buildings that you had to drive to, and park, and walk into, and they housed these things called books. 


Maranda: You're making me look really old here. No, 


Trish: My oldest is in his thirties. So I totally understand, 


Maranda: right? And so I thought I had prepared for everything and then his experience came and really, I learned how unprepared I was and we have a tendency, I feel. That we do birth how we do life and that's exactly how I did. 


You're going to birth this baby. And I did, and I remember 17 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing and. The most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my entire life, but when I was done and I had my baby boy in my arms, I looked at every single person in that room, tears streaming down my face and I said, I did it. 


I did it. I did it. And I remember looking in the eyes of every single person as I said that to each individual Did you see that? Did you witness what I just accomplished? And I really feel like that was the beginning of my inner knowing of who I am and what I'm coming here to be. And so I I loved All Things Birth. 


And depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so prepared, or what I thought I was, prepared for the labor and the birth, but not prepared in the least bit. bit for how to heal my body afterward, I had no freaking clue. And that's really how postpartum university has come to fruition. Because as I was looking at, okay, I have depression. 


So I knew something had to give something had to change. I could not raise my son. In that way, it was not going to happen. I had to do something more. I had to do something different for him. And I really started my journey into, okay, how do I heal my body? Why did this happen to me in the first place? 


They had no training. They had no background. It, my, my friends my loved ones who've been there before, they were just like, yeah, it's crappy. Here you are. Welcome to motherhood. And I was like, holy crap. How we have normalized this mediocre motherhood, This crappy experience and still to this day, this is what we do right now. 


We're coming out and we're talking about postpartum depression and anxiety, but under the same breath, we've normalized it. We've said this is the normal thing to experience. And that's so far from the truth. That's not how we're supposed to experience motherhood. That's not how life is supposed to be. 


I love 


Trish: that so much. That's amazing. As a labor and delivery nurse, postpartum has always been beside my own. It's not really been my passion because, I labor you and then I recover you for two hours and I pass you on to a postpartum nurse. So besides my own postpartum experience, and you know from being a mom of four, I'm a mom of seven, your postpartum journey in real life, and I say that in quotes, is It's usually very lonely. 


So it's a very lonely journey. And like you said, for those of us who have older kids, we didn't have the resources that the moms have today. And I love that pregnancy and postpartum. 


I do feel like we're moving into an era where we're saying, no, you don't have to be in pain during pregnancy. You don't have to say this is just a normal part of pregnancy and no, you don't have to be overwhelmed and you don't have to be sad and you don't have to feel all these feelings. 


In taking action and, inside of our membership, which began as a pregnancy membership, but guess what? They had their babies and they're sticking around. So we started our, our weekly postpartum hanger hangout, and that has morphed into this incredible postpartum in environment and through these women and their transparency. 


You just don't talk about that stuff. 


Maranda: And then I had a panic attack over it. Yes. 


Trish: Yes. 


Maranda: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. We don't share these stories enough. We don't have safe spaces to do that. And, 


Trish: and besides that, you're exhausted and if you happen to have the privilege of going to get coffee with your friend who also has babies and you're sitting there and you're looking at her and you think she has it together and you feel that you don't, which chances are she doesn't either, you're not going to tell her that on the way over you pictured running your car into a tree. 


With your babies in the car because you don't know what's going to happen from that point on, but you did and you're scared because of it. 


And she dreamt, thought about throwing her baby over the balcony and a very horrific scene. And she's keeping that to herself. As you were keeping it to yourself, right? Yes. Yeah, 


Trish: absolutely. Yeah. And that's what I have found in, and the thing that I want all of you guys to hear is Miranda and I both have postpartum memberships and I 100% I invite other women who have. 


And I've been able to say, my family's going through hell right now, like a real life experience that I have no one to talk to in. real life besides my attorneys, and so I've been able to share things with these moms that know things intimately about my life and they have shared things with me. 


And the way she explained it, and I'm probably not going to do justice, I am the world's worst paraphraser, or worse, but she was talking about these particular types of thoughts and she said, it is actually a way in which our brain is walking through safety. Situations, and so for instance, going down the stairs, every one of my moms in my postpartum membership has had that type of throwing the baby over the side of the stairs, rolling down the stairs, throwing the baby down the stairs type of vision type of thing. 


Maranda: I want to share like, this is your nervous system on overdrive and a part of that is a biological normal because you're here to protect that baby. 


And so anytime there's a dangerous situation where you're getting in a car, you're going down the stairs, you're coming across, a balcony, whatever that sit situation is, or that scenario is, your brain is notifying you that, Hey, this might be a dangerous thing, but we live in a world that is so full of information that's so full of stress, right? 


You, you've got to, you've got to calm down and bring it back into the wholeness that you already are. And it's hard to do when we live in this stress environment, when we're constantly on the go and we have so many things happening within our world and and things on our mind and to do lists and all of that is what creates those intrusive thoughts. 


The biological normal is, Hey, I'm protecting my baby, but when we're so stressed and so overwhelmed, it's like it flips it over the edge. Now it becomes almost unmanageable. And then those thoughts become scary. So always reminding yourself like, Hey I'm only thinking these things because I'm here to protect my baby. 


And then you're like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe I just had that thought. I'm a terrible mom. Why is that happening? And then you feel shamed about it. You feel guilty for it. And it sends you in a bigger spiral. And you have those thoughts more often because you're so stressed out about it. But the nervous system is on high, right? 


Like it's a nasty spiral. So think yourself, right? Like I got it. My body's doing such a good job letting me know that there's danger and. It's okay. I'm safe. My baby's safe. I've got this. It's just so much. It's like a whole shift in, in perspective. 


Trish: Yeah. And I love that because for most women, the only counsel you get is inside your own brain because you're too afraid to share it or speak it. 


Okay, so let's talk about the mother wound What the heck is the mother wound? What is it? The 


Maranda: mother wound. Yes. I love this conversation. The mother wound is something that I find is often experienced by all of us, especially our generation, our mother's generation, even the generations before. It's really this emotional and psychological scarring almost that women carry as a result of their relationship with their own mothers. 


Our very first. Idea of what mother mothering is comes from the way in which we were mothered and the way we would, and which we experienced that mothering. And so often when we become others. That's the very thing that starts popping up. I always call these things invitations to heal. So when you have an intrusive thought, when you have a remembrance of a trauma, when you experience something in your body that does not feel good. 


It 


If you're becoming a parent, trust me, you need it. It is such a valuable tool. Learning how to communicate and you're about to grow emotionally and physically and nurture another human being like therapy is amazing. 


Maranda: It is. And when it, when we're talking about the mother wound, there's so many aspects of this. 


That really impact our life, our low self esteem, beating ourselves up, the self doubt, the insecurity that, that impacts your relationships. It impacts your career, your sense of self worth and obviously how you parent, then we have depression and anxiety that also interweaves themselves into those components and it can make it worse to, and more likely to explode. 


And it was a beautiful gathering of these amazing women. We were it was a business retreat, but there's okay, business retreat also means like deep healing retreat, like tons of inner work. We were doing all sorts of amazing healing sessions and the recognition of so many women were like, Whoa, I did not realize that I was. 


Because I'm just going to leave some scar on my kid, no matter what I do. Because I could be the perfect mother and it sounds like I'm still going to have something go out or go wrong. And it, and I want to stress the significance of just doing. Your absolute best like our children have their journeys just as you have your journey We're here to heal and to grow right? 


Like you have, you create human beings, right? You are literally the center of the world. You are the center of your home, the energetic center, the mother's so many aspects. This is why the motherhood is so big. Because you are, you play such a huge role and that's why it's so important that. 


If I neglect myself, if I am a martyr to my own wellbeing, if I ignore everything about what I need and just give everything to my children, they will benefit. And the truth is that's not what we want them to see because that is only creating a mother wound for them. If they're watching you give so much of yourself that you're falling apart, then they're gonna believe that is what motherhood is and they're gonna feel guilty and shameful for that, having given you that experience. 


It was absolutely, I was blown away. I was like, Oh my gosh, no wonder. I'm always sick because my mom gave so much of herself that she would crash and crash and crash. And I thought that's what it meant to be a mother. And so guess what? I was repeating. And when I recognized that. It changed my whole world. 


I was like, I don't have to give myself to an, in such a way to make myself sick. And now my children witness a happy, healthy mother who's able to be there for them more when it matters. Because I'm more available. I'm not sick. I'm not, hung up on the couch or in the bathroom or whatever it is. 


What 


Trish: happens when the host of the podcast starts crying? I know, 


We say that, and it's just one of those extra things. 


Trish: But it's a huge struggle as a mother. I talk to my girls all the time inside of our membership and with my students because one of the, one of the things that sets me apart from all other birth classes, number one, if they join our birth classes, they get 30 days free and call mama society, which is my pregnancy and postpartum membership. 


We call it labor bat signal They started at 37 weeks and they're always focused on. How do I go into labor? How do I go into labor? But one of our primary goals is How do you focus on you these last few weeks because we want them to start practicing? their importance as a woman Before baby comes so that they continue that after baby comes and we're like, okay, what, let's say her name is Jenny. 


What does Jenny love to do that she's not going to be able to do once baby comes? We want you to do that once or twice these last few weeks. What is something you really love to do? Like we want to, we want you to do it and we're going to hold you accountable because as well as I know once baby comes, even if you get to do it. 


And, I've shared this before. I remember saying to my therapist is it okay for me to shut my door and watch a movie by myself? Is that selfish? And she was like, no, that is completely okay. And just watching a movie by myself without the kids and saying, Hey, don't interrupt. I'm going to hang out and have a glass [00:33:00] of wine, watch a movie was so huge for me, but that was because of me. 


Because I had not set those boundaries. I had not prioritized myself. I was just like your mom. I dropped everything for them, and I had set that up. So I have made it a priority to try to teach these mamas to start it in pregnancy. That I, yeah, focus on you. You're valuable. And if you do, Guess what? 


Your partner and your children will also value you. 


Maranda: Mic drop, done, right? Podcast over. That is such a perfect scenario. And I talk about this all the time, especially when it comes to Mother's Day. I actually have written several pieces and talked about this multiple times. It's celebrate yourself first, and then you set the standard. 


We don't talk about how to get the best sleep with a newborn. We talk about how to make newborn sleep and sleep training, but we don't talk about ourselves, right? We talk about how do we lose the baby weight? We don't talk about how do I be the healthiest version of myself. We have completely neglected some of these important aspects of who we are and I see it all the time too. 


My mama thrive method is really about helping you understand those intricacies within you so that you know how to support them best. And I see this all the time. And you probably do too, because you work with so many mamas. They're like, I don't even know. Where to begin, where do I start my life is so overwhelming. 


I have so much on my plate. Like the very idea of doing anything is way too much. Where do you start? And so breaking it down to help them understand here are. Exactly where you want to start to get the best results so that you can start feeling like you again and your body. And I think that's just such a huge shift in mindset to be able to say, Oh, take care of you. 


Yeah. And you're like, okay, what? 


Trish: I've accomplished nothing. I have 


Maranda: done nothing, right? Like you haven't even rested, right? Because you've been, oh my gosh, what do I do? The, thinking and thinking and the anxiety over what to do and it's gone. And that's what we see so often. 


So eliminating that completely you don't have to do anything just show up in this space. Here's step one, nourish yourself in this way. And then let's move on to the next and let's have these conversations. Let's start talking about these invitations to heal, right? And start looking at how we can get you feeling good again in your body. 


It is a huge struggle for us as women who have difficulties with our mothers to set boundaries or to say enough and to not allow them space, maybe, in their, in our lives because when you have a toxic mother. It doesn't just stop because you're a grown woman. So what do you say to the mamas that you have relationship with that they're still being wounded by their mother, but now [00:38:00] they are bringing a child into the world? 


You know what I'm saying? Oh, wait. This 


Maranda: is like a whole new podcast show right here. 


Trish: Yeah. So because. That doesn't stop when you become an adult woman and when you become a parent yourself And I know one of the things that we talk about in our pregnancy hangout we you know, we hang out with our pregnant mamas every Wednesday and You know that starts to look out I want to be in your birth room and I'm gonna come when you have the baby and here's how you Parent and you should be doing this or you should be breastfeeding or you should have an epidural or you should go unmedicated. 


There's a lot of bossiness and there's a lot of you shoulds and, just a lot more wounding. So what is, what, what is your thought on that? Like, how do they create boundaries? And is there a time and a place to say enough and you can't have space in my life any longer? 


Maranda: Yeah, all of the above. 


And then we need to hold those conversations in place, right? We need to have those boundaries. And so when we have, a mom who is toxic and she's coming at us with all of these things that you need to do this and you need to do that, or. Whatever it is in your situation, right? Narcissism is running high these days. 


And if it does, then you're going to be responsible for this. And it's no, that doesn't work. You have to take responsibility for it, whether it's blocking their phone number. Changing the locks on your door, whatever the case is, if you need to do that, even for a short time to, to prove your point this is my boundary. 


If this occurs, this is what I'm going to have to do about the situation, right? My husband's going to have to step in. I'm going to have to do X, Y, Z, whatever it is, make that happen. If you're in such a relationship that is so toxic. You have no other choice, right? You have to do that for yourself. And here's one of the reasons why the, your body and postpartum is incredibly sensitive. 


You're also remaking all of those new neuron connections in your body. And so it's really important that if you're faced with danger, that you make sure you're putting a stop to that, or you're letting your body know that it's okay, I have this under control. Or if someone is telling you're not doing it right, or you're not good enough, or whatever the scenario is, you're literally rewiring your brain to believe that. 


I cannot be a mother who takes this as a normal. I cannot be a mom who goes through this on the regular. So making sure that those boundaries are set and then actually following through with those boundaries. I think that's the big thing, right? If you're going to talk to me in this way, I'm sorry, but I can't invite you over to my house to help me anymore, right? 


So that you can be the mom that you want to be. And I'm going to tell you a quick story too. I struggled with boundaries. I think we all do as women. A lot of that comes from the mother wound. And I remember deciding that I was going to make some boundaries for myself. And I had told my children one day that I was going to go take some time out. 


My kids are now almost 14, he's about to turn 14, nine, seven, and four. Okay. So I have a range of children. And this was right when my daughter, my youngest was two, I believe. And so they're all still young. And I was like, I need some quiet time. I need some time to myself and I'm going to go into my room and I'm going to be there and I will let you know when I'm ready. 


Do you need some time by yourself? And now my children do the exact same thing. My daughter will sense herself. She starts getting angry and upset. And she's I need to go take some time. I'll be back and she'll walk away and she'll go take time for herself. And sometimes they'll ask me to come with them. 


Can you help me? Because we're co regulating. They need that co regulation, which is totally normal and natural. And I'm like, hands down, I'll be right there with you. Walking them through that. But it's wonderful to see them setting their own boundaries and to listening to their bodies. I will tell you sometimes it backfires, right? 


I'm sure they're going to end up in therapy for something or other. I'm not going to be afraid of that. I'm going to keep healing myself. I'm going to keep working through this generational mother wound. And taking care of myself, knowing that I am simultaneously meeting and caring for my babies and showing them how to do the same for themselves. 


I 


Trish: love that. Same thing with Grayson. He'll do the same thing. He'll be like, I need some time alone. I need to go and think and calm down. I'm like, okay, do it. Therapy is amazing. 


Maranda: How empowering is that for our children? I never got that, right? Me neither. No, never. And I know my mom never 


Trish: got that, right? 


Maranda: when I was younger. Exactly, right? And so we don't have to do that. We don't have to play those games. We can have boundaries and feel good about them and recognize. How beneficial they are to our children. 


Trish: Yeah. I love that. I, this has been such a great conversation. I feel like we could go on and on because I, and it's funny every time I post something on Labor Nurse Mama about boundaries or toxic family members or toxic friends, it literally goes viral because I think so many of us are dealing with these wounds. 


Whether it's a mother, or a family member, or father, or what have you, but a lot of times it is a mother or a mother in law. One or the other. So Miranda, can you tell everyone where they can find you? Absolutely. 


Maranda: So you can go to my website, postpartumu, that's the letter u dot com, and we have a podcast as well. 


That's a. The huge part of what we do. So if you're in the field, if you're a doctor, nurse, midwife, we can have chiropractors, nutritionists doctors, of course. The field, right? If you are working with postpartum moms, this is a safe place where you can come in and not only get the healing that you need, but also the training that you need to understand those physiological and psychological changes. 


So things that no one else is talking about. We talk about that at postpartum university. So you're welcome to join us. 


Trish: Oh, I love it. Thank you so much for coming today. It was amazing conversation. Trish, 


It's been eight, nine months of waiting and connecting in and trying to make this work. And here it is the birth of a baby. So it happens. 


Trish: Thank you. 


Maranda: Yes, of course. 


Trish: Today's episode was such a powerful episode for me as a woman and a mother. Mother wounds are significant. So I hope you enjoyed listening to it and I'd love to hear your feedback. So leave a review, hit subscribe so that you always get a heads up on a new episode. They come out every Friday morning. As always, see you again next Friday. 


Bye 


Maranda: for now.