You Are Not Who You Think You Are

What if the story you believe about yourself did not actually begin with you?

In Episode 121 of the Adjusting Your Life Podcast, Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, and co-host Kennedi Hall explore how family experiences, inherited behaviors, and emotional wounds can shape our identity. They discuss how patterns involving criticism, conflict, approval, and self-worth can become so familiar that we mistake them for who we are.

This conversation offers a different perspective on recognizing the stories that no longer serve us, setting healthier boundaries, and separating genuine empathy from the need to rescue others.

In This Episode

• How the stories we tell ourselves shape our identity
• Recognizing where beliefs and behaviors originated
• How family and sibling dynamics influence self-perception
• Why familiar conflict can become a repeating pattern
• What happens when an old story stops working
• The difference between empathy and rescuing
• Choosing healthier boundaries and responses

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Dr. Steve: https://chiroman.com

Adjusting Your Life Podcast: https://adjustingyourlifepodcast.com

⚠️ Disclaimer

Dr. Stephen M. Ward, DC, is a licensed Doctor of Chiropractic in the state of California. The information shared in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding your individual health needs.

This program is for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only.

The information provided in this podcast reflects the opinions and experiences of the hosts and is not medical or mental health advice.

Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any questions about your health or well being.

If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, contact your local emergency services.

Welcome to the Adjusting youg Life Podcast.

I'm Kennedy and I'm here with Dr. Steve.

This is season two, episode 121, you are not who you think you are.

This episode of the Adjusting youg Life podcast is brought to you by Ward Chiropractic.

Dr. Steve finds what most doctors miss and his wall adjustment technique.

It can bring fast relief.

Check out chiroman.com for hours location and to contact the clinic.

That's Chiroman.

C-H-I-R-O-M-A-N.com we're going to talk about the story, tell ourselves.

So Dr. Steve, how would you articulate the when someone is living in a program and there's a story that they've, you know, been telling themselves in their life as, as they're moving through it, how would you provide some, you know, feedback on the program that someone's living in relative to like that story?

Well, it certainly is a process because so often in assessing the spinal images I find so little influence of the person.

So I think for us all, we just need to understand that programming started a long time ago and it's gone through generation after generation after generation.

And we think that the things that we're programmed with are truly ours.

But when we really look at them, if they don't originate with us, they're not ours.

And we see it in how we deal with communication.

If we were taught that it wasn't safe to communicate, then we will internalize the feelings that we are experiencing.

We may also be taught that when we do express that someone may react in reactive anger.

And so, so many times when people do attempt to express and come into their own, they're faced with these generational program reactions.

And so I just think that we can just simply look at our qualities or our attributes, look at our challenges, write down a list on a piece of paper like oh, I'm really self critical or oh, it's real easy for me to reject myself or I really feel as if at no point in my life I'm adequate, right?

And we write all that stuff down and then when we then take a step and we look into it and we say, okay, where did I learn that from?

Who Did I experience that message from.

And if we can see that origin, then we can begin to shift it right away because it's nothing more than choosing to wake up in our life and not be asleep.

Waking up is not easy if all we've ever done is been programmed by other people before us and we see our life through their program.

But I think that's a good step.

Write down the issues you may be having and ask yourself, honestly, where did you experience that from or learn from how to do those things?

And that's the first step, because if we can look at the origin and we can see that we're seeing our life through someone else's issue, that we can begin to change it to a new way of doing something for our life.

Right.

So we've talked about writing the list in, like, a previous episode, and I think that it's important to talk about it again because I don't.

I don't necessarily find that people are already thinking, like, even to, like, there's.

Some people struggle, I think, with being introspective and not actually, like, pausing and.

And asking themselves about their attributes.

They might just be living like they're just critical.

And so they're critical of, you know, their children are critical of, you know, people on the Internet or, you know, critical of, you know, the newscaster or the.

The person in front of them at the grocery store or whatever.

And it's just something that they're, like, just living in and not really seeing, or maybe they don't even see it's a problem that they're critical or judgmental.

And so for me, there's, you know, personality traits that come from programming that I couldn't relate to because I don't maybe have that.

And so if someone.

Someone that's listening is obviously having some awareness.

Right.

To do that.

What if there's someone like a relative or a family member that they're hoping, you know, to bring awareness to?

Is there something that they could say to that person to encourage them to look at the attributes that they have that they might have inherited from them?

Like, say, you know, a son from a mother, you know?

Yeah, well, I think.

I think in terms of that specific question, I think it's important for people to realize that who you want to impact could be difficult.

We need to learn to impact our life and make the choices to make edits in our life.

And then what you do is then you can take to someone else your awareness.

Yes, right.

And help them to see it from a different view.

Okay.

Because I think it's so important for most people to understand it's not the person with low emotional intelligence that makes changes in relationships.

It's the person with high emotional intelligence.

So the people who are given awareness and then they say, okay, what do I do with this awareness I've been given?

Well, I'm going to teach it.

I'm going to teach the awareness I received to someone else, which then gives them mastery.

Right?

So when we gain mastery, we realize, oh, wow, that was profound for me and I got it.

And I see my life differently as a result of this, and now I'm going to share it.

And that's how I know if I really got it.

Because if you could take it and duplicate it, if you can help someone else to see it.

Because people want to.

You know, people are afraid of change because they're afraid of the unknown.

Right.

And I see it every day in my practice with strongest women that come into me and how they're afraid of me.

They're like, afraid.

They're not afraid of anything yet.

They're afraid of my adjustment.

Right.

What's the fear?

What's the underlying fear?

Well, they're just accustomed to being in control.

When they give up control, there's fear.

And then I just say to them, I said, well, you're not afraid of the adjustment.

You're afraid of not knowing what the outcome's going to be as a result of the adjustment I give you.

Right?

Because if you're in pain, then you may be afraid that the adjustment could exacerbate pain.

So there would be a legitimate fear there.

Right.

But then I come in and say, well, yeah, I understand that that's where you're at, and that's really what I really figured you would do.

Exactly.

Right.

And I, and then I explained it's just a fear of the unknown.

And once you, you won't have any fear.

And then, sure enough, I do a treatment and it doesn't hurt them and they feel better and they're like, oh, wow, that was amazing.

But we do need to be aware that it's a person who is aware that is understanding the importance of awareness.

Like, I look at my life with awareness, so if someone has issue with me, then I'm open to hearing their issue.

Me too.

Right.

Because I want to constantly grow in my awareness.

I want to be aware of what I'm doing, how I'm impacting others, but I also want to watch others that I've had impact on and see how they're doing.

But I think the key element is being aware.

And I think starting with a list, you know, because I could look at my life early on, I could see the challenges in my life and the problems I had in my life and anger I had in my life and the reactions that were coming in my life and how nothing really ever felt good in my life, and I never felt like it was enough.

And, you know, and I could look at all those things and thankful for that, because as we look deeper, with awareness from neutrality, like, I realized I'm coming from many generations of wounded people that didn't have a clue as to how to communicate.

Didn't have a clue as to how to communicate feelings or communicate when they were hurt.

Generations of people that the minute they got triggered into feeling inadequate, would react in anger.

Right.

Yes.

So this is a process, and it is a good process because it will bring you back to you and who you know, really like.

I like being.

Coming from me, for the first time in my life, not all the inheritance that occurred before me.

I like coming from me.

I like being kind and I like being open.

I like being aware.

And I'm a gentle communicator, but I'm also a strong person.

So, you know, I can kind of.

Don't mistake that for weakness.

Yeah, well, that's.

That's the biggest issue with high impacts like myself.

Right.

Is you people see your kindness as weakness.

That's a mistake.

Yes.

Because I have zero openness to, you know, unhealthy situations.

So now I'm so much greater at being able to just let something go, let someone go.

Why do I need to hold you if it's just a struggle?

Why do I need to hold you if all we do is not get along?

That's not someone I'm holding on to.

I'm just not gonna do it.

So when we talk about the story, someone tells themselves so something that I've experienced and in my own evolution, I feel like I've.

I'm moving more out of it.

But it's like when you have feelings about yourself, then you find evidence to make those things true.

Sure.

Right.

So as it relates to the program, you know, and some people might say, you know, it's like, you know, someone that maybe grew up with drama in their life, and then they seek out drama and they don't.

They're not realizing that they're actually attracting the drama and that it's not the person that's in front of them.

It's like.

Like a mirror for them to, like, look at themselves.

Right.

Let's like expand on that as far as like the programming and someone that, you know, it's like the other something that is also set out there is, you know, it's like if you're the comment who's a common denominator and if it's you, maybe you're the problem kind of thing.

I guess that's kind of a simple way to put it.

Like, if you' if your life is full of drama or toxic situations, how does the program play into that?

And then how can people make changes to not be in those situations?

Well, first of all, you need to make a decision on are you a person that wants high drama or are you a person really has experienced enough drama to let that need go?

So unfortunately, most people come from high drama relationships and that's all they know.

And then they are bringing the drama of their womb prior to the relationship into the relationship.

Yes.

And that's where most people operate within it.

So it's not like the drama they're experiencing, the relationships really personal.

It's just, hey, this is what I know.

But I can tell you this as we make a decision to let go of drama, it's a choice.

Just like it's a choice to have a life of drama.

And so my command in my brain is I have zero openness to drama.

Right?

Right.

So such a simple command to my brain or I'm a zero drama man.

Those are great statements.

Such a boundary too.

And it's funny because, you know, recently the gal I'm seeing was.

Had some issues going on and she said, well, I know you're not a drama person, Right.

And I said, yeah, really not.

But I'm having an issue.

And I'm like, oh, well, you know, I can sit here and listen to your issue, Right?

Yeah.

And so, you know, and then like literally 10 minutes of listening to her, she.

There was no drama.

Right.

And so I just thought it was so interesting that that was conveyed back to me.

Yes.

About some issue that she was having.

But instead of just projecting that issue into the conversation, she said, I know you're not a drama person.

I am having some issue.

And you know, are you in essence open to hearing?

And I'm like, sure, it's great.

So.

And it was, it was quick and easy.

It was effortless.

But, you know, it all starts with our own word and the choose the words we choose.

So be careful if you're, you know, what's easy for you is high drama because it just is going to rob you throughout your life.

So with.

So when someone attracts that drama.

Right.

And then what is some things that they could do?

Well, because I think most people want to blame the other person for causing it.

And instead of looking at themselves, seeing that they attracted it.

Yeah.

And understanding, like I'll say to, well, men, women, whoever.

In this case, I was talking to a male client patient and he was having lots of issues, you know, with his wife and their whole relationship's drama.

And he's such a high empath.

So he's constantly hitting her dysfunction with empathy.

Like, what can I do?

Yeah, like what can I do?

How can I save you?

How can I fix it?

And I said, well, but be mindful that the drama and the challenge within her occur way before she ever met you.

Which is always the case.

And he's like, what?

He's like, oh my gosh, you're right.

You know, and I point out, well, how was her relationship with her father?

Well, they didn't get along well.

Or where was she in birth order?

She was first daughter, so they most likely wanted a son.

Then she felt inadequate.

She wasn't a male.

So she operates.

She operates in her masculine and she's heard over the father that she didn't feel loved by.

And so now she's attracting a high empath, a man that had more of a dominant female influence.

And now they're in the circus of life.

But no, neither one's being fulfilled, neither one's enjoying it, neither one's finding joy within the experience.

So he's like, oh, man, when I told my wife that, honey, you were all screwed up before you ever met.

Me, did I trigger her?

And.

Well, it triggered her in a sense, but it also helped her.

Because it's a truth.

Yeah, like I'm not responsible for the feelings you have.

Yeah, like, hey, if you were, if you repaired all these wounds and you came from this authentic place of love for self, and you know, you were, you know, coming from that perspective, then in attraction, you would naturally boundary unhealthy behavior.

You would be like, well, I get it, I get what you're saying.

But what you're not seeing is this is an older wound.

It didn't start with me.

You just met me.

Right, Right.

How could it possibly.

How could all this anger inside of you be about me when you just met me?

Right.

So we just need to give people awareness that multi generational behavior is real.

We see our life through programs, many different programs, hundreds and thousands of programs.

And until we choose to take off the glasses that we see our life through, set them down on the table and choose to see our life through our eyes that really see our value, that acknowledge how amazing we are and allow us to really engage in a love relationship with self.

Right.

So as we take off the glasses, we see our life through our own loving eyes.

And that's a first step.

Get excited about waking up.

Don't be excited about bonding with the person program that's been there for generations.

What's the purpose?

What is the purpose?

To carry this on for a whole bunch of more generations.

When.

When does it edit?

When does it shift?

When do we transform?

When do we change it?

Will we change that?

Starting with this podcast.

Yes.

The adjusting your life podcast.

Yes.

I love it.

Me too.

So we.

We've talked about different relationships.

I don't think we've touched on maybe like the brother, brother, brother relationship.

And I was talking to a colleague on Friday and it just, you know, gave me.

Gave me an idea of something maybe to discuss as far as, you know, depending on the birth order.

I want to say he was younger than my colleague.

I'm trying to remember exactly, but they have some conflicts.

So the dad was away, I think, worked away.

Maybe I'm in military, I'm thinking.

And then so would come home, you know, so mom present and fast forward.

You know, there's some friction between the two brothers.

Yeah.

And one of them is verbal, you know, negates the brother.

Always trying to one up the brother.

Yeah.

Maybe we can talk about what that program looks like and then we can talk about sisters.

Yeah.

Well, it's always interesting when you're studying spinal dynamics on multiple brothers or multiple sisters, because gender comes into play when dealing with multiple brothers or when dealing with multiple sisters.

So, you know, like, I followed a brother.

My mom wanted a daughter.

Okay.

So if both brothers are female dominant, meaning the father was absent, the mother was more dominant in the house, and the boys seeked approval from the dominant female.

What's their root need female approval?

What do they not need male approval.

They don't even care about the male approval.

So the brother could be kinder to the wife.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, we all need to learn to be kind to ourselves.

Yes.

And then as we develop kindness for ourselves, then it's natural to be kind to people outside of ourselves and even people that are not kind.

I think we.

I think we were on the phone.

I think I want to say that I.

What came to my mind was that, you know, is he's not validating his own self.

The thought that he would validate you would be a fantasy.

Well, it's not even.

They don't even know the importance of it.

And they, what they do know is the friction within the relationship.

And.

But they are not really looking deeper into why that's occurring.

Yeah.

And that's what I was trying to have.

I wanted him to try to.

I was trying to have him see that because I think his solution was, well, if I, if I don't talk to him, it's better.

But that's not a solution.

No.

Well, that goes into our profile too.

A lot of people, oh, I'm just not going to talk to that person that I'm upset with, and that's how I'm going to deal with it.

And things seem to, in his mind,.

Be going, okay, well, yeah, because you're removing that issue, but it's going to come back in front of you.

Right.

Whether it's your brother or someone else.

The things we run from are the things that come back across our path.

Yeah.

They represent themselves.

But the journey should be, can I be kind to myself and can I extend my kindness to my brother?

Yes.

Can I realize that it's possible that we both have had behavioral program that causes us to look more for outside female approval than male approval.

And if we don't need male approval, is it just possible that what we're seeing manifest is difficulty between the two brothers?

Because again, the root of that need is for female approval.

Right.

If the mother is present and the father is absent.

Right.

So.

But it's very interesting.

Yeah, but that's just.

This is such great information for people because it's just a different way to look at it.

And maybe a relationship that you think with a sibling, you know, is, you know, maybe something that you think you don't, you know, you're not going to continue with is this gives you an opportunity to re.

Look at it, maybe zoom out and see.

See stuff.

And don't run away from the difficult relationship.

Your difficult relationships can be your greatest relationships.

So look at it and say, okay, I have some wound and I'm coming from this wound, and do I want to constantly come from the same wound, or is there a possibility that I could look at this differently and actually find enjoyment in this relationship?

Right.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

When we come back, maybe we can talk about the sister sister relationship and then maybe the sister brother dynamic.

Yeah.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

Let's talk about how identity gets programmed.

So, Dr. Steve, we just talked about the relationship Between a brother and a brother.

And I want to talk about sister brother, and even, you know, sister, sister.

And we can probably incorporate the identity portion of the segment into that in terms of birth order and the father wanted a son or so on and so on.

Well, first of all, when we're looking at identity within a spinal image, we are looking at the side image of the spine and we're looking at where it's the most backward point that makes up the curve.

So if that most backward point is say at the seventh thoracic vertebra, then we would then look to see is the spine too far forward or is it too far backward?

So we would know seven would be like inherited addiction from a parent.

But is that addiction coming from a mother source or a father source?

If the spine is most backward point is at the seventh thoracic, but it's too far backward, then we're certainly dealing with an issue of identity, being bonding with this father addiction and father withdrawal and father absence and father abandonment.

Whereas if it's forward on a forward curve, now we're dealing more with a female influence.

But she's come from an addiction pattern as well.

To answer your question, it's always interesting when we're blessed to get images on a family like we have been able to do with your family.

And although we haven't had every one image, we do have three out of four sisters image and two out of three brothers image.

And so your own family is a great place to look at it.

So you look at your older sister.

She had backward curve, but she was more backward curve in her neck and not as far back in her mid back.

Whereas then you go to you and your other two sisters, and you're all representing really far backward curve in the mid back.

Okay.

Which is the issue of all of you having experienced your father who worked to kind of cope.

Right.

With your older sister.

She was really being influenced by the dominant mother, and she was trying to deny it.

That's why it's her backward curves in her neck, but not so much in her middle spine.

Right.

And we saw the denial played out with her, you know, staying in bed, not participating in certain things, pulling the covers literally over her head and not getting out of bed.

Yeah.

So if she don't.

If you don't see it, it's not there.

If we hide under the covers, the problem.

The not there?

Well, no, the problem's there and you're hiding under cover.

It's because you don't want to see the problem.

Deal with the problem.

And you don't know what to do about the problem.

Right.

So.

But interesting in your sisters how there's significant backward curve.

And then we see on your older sister that she's left and right in curvature when she stands.

And a lot of it has peer stress going on in those initial X rays.

But when we go to your pattern, we see, oh, wow, there's this issue with your mother.

Right.

This is so interesting.

Oh, and I do want to shout out my family, because we do refer to them quite a bit.

Yeah.

But everyone is so.

Been so wonderful on us talking about their patterns.

Yeah.

Well, because it's not never about them.

It's about a pattern.

Yes.

And the pattern's not them.

Right, right.

It's just how they see their life.

They see their life through a pattern, but the pattern didn't originate with them.

So what we do talk about, like, the couple that came in thanked me for saving their marriage, and they were convinced that I was talking about them.

Right.

In that episode.

And I'm like, no, I wasn't talking about you specifically.

Specifically.

Right.

It's a pattern.

I'm talking about how this pattern tracks this pattern.

Right.

And.

But when you.

When you look at your pattern, you have more of the reaction.

Absolutely.

So I wouldn't.

I wouldn't get in bed and close and pull the covers over.

You would shout verbal.

Verbal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because that would indicate that the minute you're triggered, feel inadequate, you're gonna lose regulation.

You're gonna become more authoritative and reactive.

And see, my sister is not lose regulation.

I mean, I wouldn't say.

Never.

That she hasn't had a reaction.

I would say I'm more consistent.

I have been more consistently reactive to certain things.

And absolutely.

I'm way less reactive.

But not.

But not because I'm trying not to be reactive.

It's.

Because it's not in me.

And it's.

I've.

It's not.

I maybe deprogrammed it.

Or.

Or.

Or I've healed.

Choice not to be.

Yeah.

Healed some things.

Yes.

You know, I have been a reactor at times.

I haven't been for years.

For, like, 20 years.

I've never seen you react, you know, And.

And I'm so thankful.

Yeah.

Because I really think that learning to regulate has been such a key element for my growth.

Gross.

It's like, well, just because you say something that triggers my wounding.

Yes.

Into feeling inadequate, and then what's coming from that?

It's a reaction, which.

It's really not about any of that at all it's just, you know, we want to be validated, right?

And we know, we all know, no one, no one feels good after no lose.

Well, unless you're sociopathic, you know, because there are sociopaths and psychopaths, right?

And they have very little remorse and they don't feel badly if they lose it on someone.

But the average person after the fact, like if I got upset and really said hateful things, that would impact me, you know, because that's who I am.

But in any event, when we looked at your sister's pattern, there was both left and right curvature.

And then we looked at your pattern, there's backward and right curvature.

And then we look at your little sister and she was the most backward and most left.

So she really was tied into wound with her father and interpreting the wounds because she wasn't a male.

Right?

And so, you know, that's how those dynamics work.

Sometimes you may see more similarity in pattern.

But what we all need to understand is we're all navigating from multi generational behavior.

And even though we have experienced the same life with someone, we do interpret it differently.

Just like your, their older sister has two twin sons.

And interesting enough, in one position they're both left in curvature, and the other position, they're both right in curvature.

But one is way more left and way more right than the other one.

Interesting, right?

But it's, what's interesting is that, you know, doctors say, well, why are you taking standing and stuff?

Seeded images.

You're just duplicating the X ray.

No, because the pattern changes.

So just like we might expect, oh, they're right curvature in both positions.

And then we image them.

No, they're left in one position, right in the other.

So one position they're wanting this father male validation, and the other position, they're needing this female validation.

Right?

But to me, it's interesting when we see a pattern shift, right?

Because what makes our brain, our brain says, oh, if I'm right curve, I should be right curve, both positions.

If I'm left curved, I should be left curved in both positions.

But our behavioral wound shows up in position of stress, both standing and seated.

Seated is more of the emotional patterning and standing is more the denial patterning.

That's why when I deal with people who are highly emotional, what do I say to them?

Stand up.

Stand up?

Yeah.

When someone's critical, you stand up.

You don't sit down because if you sit down, you'll personalize it.

And then you see ladies who have a flat Spine, so there's no backward curvature.

When you look at the side of them, the whole spine's flat.

Those ladies are going to get very impacted when someone projects their dysfunction because there no denial in their patterns.

So you lock.

Right.

That projection.

Right.

So we haven't really talked about that pattern a lot.

That's so interesting.

It's.

It's very interesting.

And then when you then expand this to your brothers.

Right.

Well, you see how you're, you know, your young brother is super high standard.

Right.

And maybe all the brothers are super high standard.

Okay.

Yes, they are.

Yeah.

To some different degrees.

Yeah.

And so.

But why would that be?

Because they're influenced by a bunch of women in their childhood.

And what they're.

They're being hurt and they, you know, are going to women their lives that were hurt, and then they're needing to grow and evolve based on those ladies who have their own wound and maybe feel inadequate that they're not a male, because their interpretation is, if I was a male, I'd be loved differently.

So is that female going to validate a male?

I mean, I think in our family, I know that since we're all working on things that we have more.

There's more chance and to validate.

To validate.

You know what I'm saying?

So I want to tell my brothers that I'm proud of them.

Ultimately, I want them to be proud of themselves, but I think that it for us, because we are like, aware and awake that we're making an effort in that direction.

And it varies, obviously, for all of us.

Yeah.

What with my brothers.

What.

There's different levels of compulsion.

I don't have obsessive compulsion compulsiveness, but there's some compulsiveness to the level of the high standard that they have.

And that is a very.

That varies.

Yeah.

With one with.

And he's just so much better actually with just things that he's working on.

Yeah.

I've seen it.

Because when we first studied his pattern, he was so elongated in his spinal cord cord.

Like he's, you know, not a super tall guy yet his spinal length was like he was six feet tall, you know, and.

Which indicates the expectation, the unreasonable expectation that is being used by.

That's your youngest brother.

Right.

To.

To gain middle brother.

Oh, middle brother.

Okay.

My younger.

Younger brother's easier on himself.

Okay.

But still high standard.

Okay.

So.

But the one I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Was so off the chain, and it was like, oh, I ran 4,000 days in a row.

You know, it's like, well, who cares?

No one cares today or next week or 4,000 days in a row.

Yeah.

But the program, right, the rigidness of the program, that's to say, hey, if I don't run, then I don't have value.

Right.

Right.

So it's good that we talk about the brothers and sisters because we can certainly see why, you know, when money comes into the equation, how often families.

Get all inheritance and that kind of.

Stuff get all messed up.

And we can see just looking at patterning if someone's going to get along or if they're not, how they patterns and are mates.

Which at some point in this podcast we're going to discuss it.

Yeah.

With dating.

So.

Yeah.

That's exciting.

We will be right back.

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Welcome back.

Let's talk about when the story stops working.

So, Dr. Steve, what happens when someone, what do you think happens in the program when someone maybe wakes up one day and is like, this isn't working for me anymore?

Because that does happen where someone's.

Yeah.

You know, people constantly fight in the battle to try to make dysfunction work.

And you know, it wears us down.

If it's, if it's day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, someone will fight that fight for a while.

I mean, for maybe years.

Yeah, I've certainly have stayed in relationships that were not as healthy for me and I stayed in it too long and really did some damage to myself by doing that, which I won't do that.

Yeah, me too.

I will not do that today.

I.

But when we are around toxic and the toxic is consistent and if our root need is, we want validation, love, encouragement, approval, if we see that there's no time in our life we're ever going to get this from the person we're with, it's easier to let it go.

Right.

There's sometimes some things that play out there.

Like with me, I had someone who had addiction problem and I felt like I had to save her.

And I felt like if I didn't save her, she would die.

But ultimately came clear to me that if I don't choose to take care of me, I was going to die.

And I made the choice, well, if someone's going to die, it's not going to be me, you know, and, and that was way back in my life, a long time ago, back when I would hit dysfunction with empathy and I couldn't see myself not being there in the rescue mode.

Right.

But I've grown and I'm not there to rescue.

I do not want to rescue myself from someone and I'm not here to rescue someone else.

Right.

And that we all have our stuff, we all have our wounds, we all have our injuries and we can, we can let go of a lot of that stuff.

We let go of multi generational wound.

When we come to the realization that the people before us, they, they were just carrying out a wound.

So the womb was never personal.

Although we tend to take it personally, it's never personal when someone's carrying out their wound.

They were wounded and they transfer the wound.

And that's what really happens.

And when we, when we reframe out of that, like, I'm not in that.

I'm not interested in a wounded person.

I'm not interested in me saving a wounded person.

I'm not interested in me being verbally abused by a wounded person.

I'm not interested in reacting emotionally to the person who verbally abuses me.

So that's how I change.

And I just, it will not play on that playground.

So when you talk about hitting dysfunction with empathy, maybe we can elaborate on that.

Is what, like what that looks.

Maybe a scenario where that someone's listening and they're wondering if that's what they do and then maybe give an alternative way to respond to a situation because maybe they don't have the vocabulary.

Yeah, it's just like people who have addiction, you know, the person has addiction calmly will have someone that wants to save them.

Okay, so maybe someone's like an alcoholic.

Yeah.

So like I had a gal I was seeing, she was alcoholic and I thought I had to save her, but I never have power to save her.

All right, so what would you, what would that saving look like maybe on like a day to day basis?

Well, when we get into empathy.

As a rule, empathy calmly is an indication of somewhere in our early life raising empathy for someone who was in struggle.

Right.

As I have spoke about it on the podcast, that when I was little, I was the smallest of the three kids.

And when my dad left my mom super hard and my brother died of cancer super hard, and my sister, mom really didn't get along that well back then and that my sister moved out and all I had seen in my early life with my mom is how tough and strong and how she operated in her masculine energy and really impacted me when all of a sudden I'm seeing this person that's not strong, who's falling apart on the day to day, who's crying repeatedly day after day and how that impacted me.

And I believe that's why I became such a high empath.

Because at that early stage of my life, I saw that dysfunction and I said, oh, I have to save my mom.

I have to help my mom.

I'm the only one here to help my mom.

I got to do it, I gotta fix it.

Right?

Much like the story with my father too, you know, there, there's some of that, but different played out as well.

And.

But I got to tell you, it was for me, understanding that my, when I did a disc assessment, dominance, inspiration, steadiness, compliance, that I was measured to have a low dominance.

But when we looked at the hidden motivators, my dominance was actually much higher.

And those two metrics should have been in agreement, but they were not, which is an indication of dominance being manipulated.

So would have I ever been a high empath if my dominance didn't get manipulated at that young age?

Probably on some level I would be because of my health issues as a young person, I have a higher level of empathy for someone who is in challenge.

Right.

So, you know, but it makes you think.

But what I know occurred as a result of that was I got in a program of when female dysfunction hit my world, I would go to what can I do to help?

How can I fix it?

How could I save you?

So is there like an example of like something that would happen in the relationship that you would then,.

Well, in this case, she would drink, drink too much.

And you know, I was always constantly trying to, oh, let's, you know, stop drinking and let's get you in a program and let's, you know, get you taking action.

Well, she wasn't interested in any of it.

She's wanted to drink.

She just wanted to drink.

And so, you know, but what we need to Understand is there's a reason why we are high impasse.

There's some trauma that occurred that causes us to raise empathy and lower dominance.

And then we get into a program of what we think we need to do when faced with a challenging situation.

And, and that program for me was I need to fix it in them.

But the truth of the matter is I have fixed anything in them.

Right.

We can't.

I mean, we're not.

Yeah.

But I could fix this issue in me.

So what did my issue become?

I no longer hit dysfunction with empathy.

Am I still high empath?

I am.

But when dysfunction comes, my program isn't.

What can I do to help?

So in your situation, what, what would you do differently today?

I would say, what can you do to help you?

Or what do you, what's your plan?

What can you do to help you?

Well, I don't know.

Well, if you came to me with this story, would you know what?

If, if, if I came to you with the same thing, what would you tell me to do?

What would you tell me to do?

Oh, she would probably have no empathy for you.

Right.

And so, so when you like fix.

Your issue, figure it out.

Just gotta stop jumping out and fixing someone since it's.

You're not fixing it because it is multi generational.

We don't fix it.

We learn to change our view of it.

Right.

Like I realized, oh, I'm a high empath, but I don't hit dysfunction with empathy.

Am I the kind, my kind man?

Yes.

Am I a man that steps up for people and challenge?

You better believe it.

People are not a number in my reality.

They are people that need to be loved and valued, encouraged and, and support it.

And my goal as a doctor is to be that kind of doctor for people without connecting with this unhealthy energy.

Right.

So there's a boundary and the boundary comes in.

It's intentional.

It's about giving your best intention.

Oh, I'm going to give my best intention.

Right.

Then that's going to be enough for me.

So I'm going to give my best to you.

I know you're suffering.

I know your challenge.

I'm going to give my best wisdom to you.

It's going to be up to you to apply it, to reframe it and rewrite it.

That's not my job.

I will not be doing that for you.

Right.

When we stay out of Outcome, it's healthier than.

And when we stay in intention, it's easier than when we're in outcome.

Oh, my values if I help you?

No.

Yes.

I've learned that that's not the case.

Yeah.

This has been an amazing episode, Dr. Steve, and we hope all of our listeners have enjoyed it.

And there's just so much information in these and you know, feel free to re, listen, rewind.

Sometimes it takes a few times of hearing this information to really get it.

And also if there's questions, you know, please reach out if there's questions in any of the information that we're providing.

We are here to help and thank you for joining us.

And for more information to view our show notes, please Visit us at adjustingyourlifepodcast.com and we will see you next time.

This is a broadcast of the Adjusting youg Life podcast produced by Adjusted Life Media.

All information contained in this episode and all other content provided on this channel is for informational and entertainment purposes only.

This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please contact your local emergency services.

Dr. Steven M. Ward, D.C. is a board Certified Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine licensed in the State of California, county of Los Angeles.

The Adjusting youg Life Podcast is written and produced by Executive Producer Jamie Knapp and co produced by Kennedy hall and Dr. Steven Ward as Dr. Steve.

For more information or to connect with us, visit adjustingyourlifepodcast.com.