Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.

With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

Episode 217

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Zach Spafford: Hey everybody. And welcome to thrive beyond pornography. I'm your host. Zach Spafford today. I want to talk to you about the main philosophy that I use. To deal with pornography struggles. It's called act. So some of you might know it as acceptance and commitment therapy. Some of you might know it as acceptance and commitment training. It doesn't really matter where you know it from what you need to know is that act is the only evidence-based system available that I'm aware of. To help you quit porn.

The research is clear that act. Through the research that I have done through the research that has been done in independently verified. Journals and peer reviewed papers act as the only process that I'm aware of that has any evidence-based information that says this actually works.

So, if you are trying to quit porn and you've been doing what it doesn't really matter what you've been doing and you're not using act. Then that's probably problematic. I'm going to be honest. Now that you might want to try that because if you're not using act, then you're using something that does not have evidence based information about whether it works. 12 steps, CBT. All of the other, you know, coaching methods that other people might be offering you. It doesn't matter if they're not using act. And you can Google this. Act for pornography, you can just, acceptance and commitment therapy or acceptance and commitment training. For overcoming pornography and the research is out there. You can just read it.

But it's the only evidence-based system that I know of that helps you actually quit porn. Act is a coaching model as I use it that focuses on accepting difficulties, thoughts, and emotions while committing to actions aligned with personal values. So here's how act principles can help eliminate temptations and triggers and all the systems that are driving you towards pornography. And when I say eliminate, I actually, that's a misnomer it's really helped you succeed at dealing with them in an effective way. So that you don't have to fight with them all the time. That's really what it is. The end result is that you eliminate it. But if you take any act to training, you'll know that it's not about eliminating the thoughts is really about being able to deal with them effectively, and utilizing that effective capacity to deal with the unwanted thoughts, feelings, urges. Whatever triggers you might be dealing with. And moving towards your values. That's really the the broad strokes of this process.

It's a little bit more nuanced to talk about how this actually works than just saying. You know, once you use this tool, then your brain will stop using these triggers to move you towards porn. That's not quite how it works in that. That nuance makes it difficult to talk about in the sense that it's not just a cause and effect it's a capacity that creates the ability for your brain to let go of old ways of dealing with things, even though sometimes those old ways of dealing with things may continue to come up.

and I've told you about this on the podcast, right? I've told you guys, you know, there've been a number of times where I'm like, Just doing my thing. And my brain will be like, Hey man, you can watch. Porn.

You know, years into this, my brain is like, Hey man, you could, you could watch some porn. Right. And that's not the problem. The problem is how we deal with that and why it is that our brain is offering us that. That we have been running from that we need to learn to deal with. And once we learned to deal with that, then. The impact of those moments decreases. So it becomes less difficult to deal with them and more, we have more capacity to move towards our values. So let's start with what it is that we do, what it is that ACT does to create this capacity for you.

'Number one. You have to learn. Acceptance. You have to learn and habituate to acceptance. I should say. Because we can talk about acceptance. You can learn about the concept and you can have acceptance of a variety of things, but when it comes to the greatest struggle of your life, possibly. This acceptance is the key acceptance really involves. Acknowledging and allowing the presence of the unwanted thoughts, emotions and sensations without trying to avoid them or suppress them. In the context of your pornography struggle, it means accepting that your brain's going to offer you porn. And recognizing that these are normal things that your brain's offering you and normal responses to. The stimulus in your environment and you've habituated to these offerings, right? So. I don't know about you guys, but for me, for a number of years, I would choose porn to avoid having to feel stressed. At work or with my schoolwork before that. And in that process, my brain was like, anytime we come up against stress, I know what to do. Porn right.

It sounds so silly to say it out loud, but that's really what it would do. So. Over time. I had to acknowledge that that was actually normal. Not because it was what I wanted in my life, but because it was what I had been doing up to that point. Uh, in order to deal with my life. Number two, you have to create some mindfulness. Mindfulness is a key component of acceptance and commitment training, and it involves paying non-judgemental attention to the present moment. If you have listened to my episode on NAB, which I'll link to, you can learn how to do this in one simple technique. Paying attention. Non-judgmentally kindly to what your brain is offering you. And by practicing mindfulness, you can observe your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical sensations related to what your brain is offering you. The stress. The stimulus of arousal that your brain might be trying to offer you the excitement, the trepidation, maybe even the fear of getting caught, all of that stuff. You can observe all that without necessarily getting caught up in it. And this helps create space for making conscious choices instead of reacting impulsively. So NAB gives you a really great tool to do that. It's notice a name, allow an ask, breathe and be kind. So in that environment, if you practice that tool, you're noticing what your brain's offering, you you're naming it. Like it's just a normal thing to name. Your, uh, allowing it to exist without trying to run from it or fight with it or suppress it. And then you just get curious about it. What is it that my brain is saying to me? Why is it saying this to me? How can I choose to move towards my values? What is it that I'm doing to move away from my values? All of these ideas, all of these things that our brain does, we often try to fight our brain on. And so the work here is to create that space, to be curious and allow that and ask it, ask the questions that are going to help us solve for the struggle. Rather than run from it. And then breathe and be kind again, taking those deep breaths is coming centered in your, in your world. You're fueling your brain. You're fueling your body. You're allowing both of those things to have as much. Energy and capacity is they need to actually make good decisions. And then being kind to yourself, not being mad that you're not. You know, further along or that you're not better than you are already, you know, you, instead of telling yourself, I should be further, you say, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And you believe that, not just say it that you really believe it because. Where else would you be if you weren't here? Right. So notice the name, allow an ask, breathe and be kind. That's a really simple mindfulness technique, but it helps with mindfulness as well as diffusion.

Diffusion is number three on this list and diffusion is a technique that's used in ACT to distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts and beliefs. When faced with a trigger, your brain is offering you porn or you're stressed. Having these diffusion techniques on hand to mindfully and habitually practice helps you recognize that the thoughts that you have, like "have to act on this". Or. "I might as well do this. Otherwise, I'm going to fight with it all day" or "I've come this far. So I might as well keep going." "I can't resist this. It's inevitable." All those are just thoughts. They're not absolute beliefs. They're not truths. They're not just something you have to follow. They're just thoughts, their ideas that your brain offers you and your brain offers you a lot. There's a lot of information that I could teach you on that. And then we've talked about on the podcast about that, but the key component here is to know. That those thoughts are not necessarily you and that you can choose. Not to follow them. And by observing these thoughts as passing mental events. Individuals you and particular, and I have done this. This is the work that I did personally. You can actually reduce your influence, the influence that this idea has on you. Just like, there's lots of passing thoughts where you don't even give it a second glance. You probably have an example of that in your life. For me, it's. Uh, you know, I'll walk by something and my brain will be like, Hey, you could totally steal that. Y it doesn't offer me that very often when I was a kid, it would totally offer me that a lot more. Now, if my brain said that to me, I'd be like, oh, that's weird. And I would move on. I wouldn't even think about it. This is the kind of thing that your brain will do or, um, You know, if there's somebody you don't like, and your brain's like, Hey, you could totally punch that guy. That's the kind of thing that your brain offers you, that you don't have to take. You don't have to take action on. And you are already doing that to a large extent. We just move that same principle into thoughts, like, oh, This is going to happen. At some point today. So you might as well give in now. Right. And you can use that same, those same diffusion techniques to deal with that. And there are quite a number of diffusion techniques. You could just look them up, but I have probably 13 that I teach in my course that help people do this very, very work. Number four on the list of what does it look like to utilize? Act is. Values clarification. Clarify your values. A lot of people come to me and they're like, I don't know what my values are.

You know, what are the top priorities in your life? What are the values that you have? What are the things that. Our do or die in your life. And if you don't know what those are, and you don't know how to properly prioritize them and properly engage with them. You're going to find that you are struggling. Because you may have taken on someone else's values you. I had a client who is Muslim and he was great guy. And he had taken on. So he's first-generation American. His parents had moved to the United States, so they were immigrants. He was first-generation or. I don't know how you say that, but he was born in the United States, so he was an American. His parents were immigrants. And he took on a lot of the responsibilities in that household and took on a lot of the values of his parents. And not in a bad way necessarily, but certainly there was at least one thing that he found difficult and that was, he. Didn't want to be a doctor. And his parents were driving him towards that. He was successful businessman. He had a number of businesses that paid his way through medical school. And he became a doctor, an eye doctor. Uh, an op. Somalia just, I believe. So he was a surgeon and eye surgeon. And. He was like, I don't want to do this, but I'm doing it because I took on the values of my family. So he didn't know how to stand up for his values. He didn't know how to choose his own values in terms of like, what do I want to do when I grow up? And he didn't know how to move towards those without offending everybody and getting lost in their anxiety and having to deal with all of that. So he just kind of went along the, Hey, can you imagine your. Into your residency as an ophthalmologist and you don't want to be there. And you're like, kind of just trapped and stuck there. Because you never wanted to be there. You never wanted to do this. That's really an interesting place. And that's kind of how a lot of people get to viewing porn on a regular basis is they're like, I don't know what my values are. What are my values when it comes to my own sexuality, what are my values when it comes to exploring. Uh, the wider world of sexuality. I don't know. I was given these values by somebody else, whether it was my church or my parents or my wife or somebody. And I don't know if they're mine, they may be yours. You might say, oh, well, these are my values. But if you haven't fully taken them on as your own. Then there's a good chance. They're not necessarily your values and you may want to figure out a way to figure out what your values are. And that's one of the big things that we do in coaching is we work on what are my values, how do I become the person that I want to beat? And how do I choose those values, regardless of what other people around me, one. That's not to say that we don't. View their values and say, okay, I understand how those values might fit into mind, but I'm going to create my own, own my own and be the person that I want to be. When it comes to quitting porn. Individuals. That clarify their values and how those Villa. The values relate to their relationships, their personal growth, their mental and emotional wellbeing and overall life satisfaction. Those are the people that succeed. By connecting with your values, you can strengthen your motivation to.

Start the process of learning how to get mindful. Create habits around mindfulness.

If you want to be satisfied in your life, you have to know what it is that you're shooting for. If you don't know what you're shooting for. That's a recipe for zero satisfaction in life.

The last item on this list is committed action. ACT. The acronym ACT is really about. Encouraging taking committed action towards meaningful change, meaningful goals, meaningful results, and meaningful values in your life. In the context of overcoming pornography for good committed action involves engaging in alternative activities that are consistent with personal values. Here's the thing. If the things that you're doing, aren't working, you've got to commit to doing something else. Because otherwise you're just going to be banging your head against the wall. And when you start to create committed action towards your values, you might be pursuing some hobbies. You might be spending time with loved ones. You might be. Engaging in more self-care or seeking support from a coach. Or something like that implementing new, healthy coping mechanisms would face with what your brain is offering you around stress doesn't matter what it is, but saying, okay, I'm going to take action in the right direction. And this is something that I love from the Stoics it's perspective, right action, and willingness to engage in whatever it requires to solve the problem to succeed. This is the difference. This is what act is. And. Incorporating these principles into your journey of quitting porn. You can actually create and develop the right mindsets that allow your brain to stop worrying about porn. That puts you in the driver's seat that give you freedom from pornography in a way that isn't about, oh, I'm always an addict or I have to keep this at bay or I'm always fighting this fight. It creates an environment where your brain can be mentally flexible. Mental flexibility is one of the key. Components of act. And in mental flexibility, what you want to understand is that when your brain is offered a new challenging environment, The more mentally flexible you are. The more capable you are Louis Zamperini. If you don't know that name, he was the person who wrote the book on broken, which was also turned into a movie by Angelina Jolie. But Louis Zamperini is a great example of mental flexibility when his plane was shot down. So this scene in both the movie and in the book really demonstrate what it is to be mentally flexible. So his plane shot down. He's in the Pacific ocean. There's nobody around. I think they spent two or three months in the ocean. He's with two other guys, one of whom starts to freak out. So one of the men in the boat freaks out, he eats all the chocolate. He's like, we're going to die. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't have this sense that. Okay. I can see the challenges here in the moment and I can resolve them as best I can, based on what I have in front of me and available to me. And I'm going to work towards that. And I'm not going to freak out. Like I don't have to. Have safety. I simply have to have my next action to take. And that guy ate all of their rations, which was basically some waxy chocolate, chocolate bars, and maybe a little bit of pemmican, nothing of value. But he died very quickly. And then Louis and the other guy, I think it was one of the pilots. He, they survived. They survived to get rescued. Unfortunately, they were rescued by a Japanese military vessel. And unfortunately that turned them into prisoners of war and that whole story, which is long and difficult. But you see throughout that whole book of Unbroken, you see how mental flexibility allows you to move forward, address the issues as they stand and survive and become greater and really. It's all enact right? It's acceptance. He's he accepts where he is. He's not like I shouldn't be here. I'm mad that I'm in the ocean or I, it sucks that I'm in this. He just is like, yeah, I'm here. I'm dealing with this. I'm not going to worry about. Anything that I can't control. This is what I, what I've got mindfulness, right? He's practicing mindfulness. He's observing his environment. He's observing his thoughts. He's staying grounded. He's utilizing. These ideas to deal with what his brain is, offering him through diffusion. His values were very clear to him. I'm going to survive. I'm going to get back to my family. I'm going to be. The best soldier that I can be. Those are his values. It's like, well, what does that, what does it require me? What does it, what do my, what does my next step require me to do so I can live those values.

And then he took that committed action. He committed to that action. He didn't have to be told he didn't have to be coerced. He didn't have to be. I pushed none of that. Right. So that's a really great example of what it looks like to utilize. Act or whatever it is that you want to call it. I mean, some people will call it stoicism. Stoicisms like probably the oldest version of what I would call act, but. These ideas are not new, but what they are is effective. And that's why I use them. It's not because I have some special.

Like I didn't come up with this stuff. These are available to anybody. Anybody can use them. These just work. That's the difference. So if you're not utilizing act, you're utilizing something that has not been proven based on the research through the data to be shown to be effective. That's the short version.

All right. I hope that's helpful. I hope you guys now understand at least a little bit of what it is that ACT can do for you. And if you'll utilize these tools, All the tools that I teach here on the podcast and other places, if you'll utilize these tools, you'll actually be able to succeed. If you need a little bit of help, feel free to reach out. I would love to meet with you. You can go to Zaxby's. spafford.com/work with thrive. Set up a free consult. It's totally free. We might as well meet. If what's you're doing, hasn't worked, we might as well meet. You might as well have that conversation. All right. My friends, I will talk to you next week.