In this episode, Nina Pajonas shares her 8-year testimony of sobriety and salvation, revealing the powerful connection between desperation, surrender, and spiritual transformation. Through raw storytelling and Scripture, she explains why rock bottom is often the doorway to rebirth—and why God often does His greatest work when we’ve come to the end of ourselves.

This message will encourage anyone navigating recovery, trauma, identity, or faith. If you’re feeling stuck, numb, or spiritually exhausted, this episode will remind you: desperation isn’t the end… It’s the invitation.

This month is all about Thanksgiving.

It's about taking the time to remember what God has done.

And while most people are grateful for the usual things like family,

friends, and certain blessings,

I'm celebrating two incredible milestones this month.

I'm celebrating eight years of sobriety,

as well as eight years of walking with the Lord.

My recovery and my rebirth in Christ happened almost simultaneously.

And I know that was not a coincidence.

That was divine orchestration.

And the Lord has been impressing something on my heart for quite some time now about the connection between desperation,

dependency, and true spiritual transformation.

And he told me very clearly the time to share it is now.

Welcome to Born to Be a Butterfly,

where we embrace healing and growth in Christ so that we can experience true transformation.

My name is Nina Pajonis,

and today's message is one that I have carried in my spirit for months.

It is deeply rooted in my story of recovery and salvation,

and I pray that I deliver it to you the way the Lord delivered it to me.

There is something unique about the journey of a person who has been brought to the brink of death,

darkness,

or total destruction.

Because when you have been that sick in your spirit,

that trapped in bondage,

that broken in your soul,

transformation is not optional.

It is a matter of life and death.

And when transformation becomes a matter of life and death,

you embrace it differently.

You run towards it.

You cling to it.

You don't argue with God about how much you have to change.

You know you must change because you understand that your salvation is deeply connected to your survival.

And that is what the Lord showed me about the gift of desperation.

There are people in this world who are suffering deeply.

They feel sorrow that few can comprehend.

They feel utterly lost,

and they know the sickness in their soul will kill them.

So they lean into Christ in a way that produces radical transformation and dependency.

Because when you come to the end of yourself and you realize that your own will has been detrimental to you,

there is only one prayer left.

Lord,

I can't do this anymore.

I want yout will,

not mine.

Truth be told,

I'm glad that I'm an alcoholic,

and I know you might be thinking this woman is crazy.

However,

let me assure you that I'm not.

It took me a very long time to arrive at a state of gratitude for having a disease that most people wouldn't wish on their worst enemy.

Initially,

like most who are plagued by it,

I deeply resented the fact that I couldn't drink like a normal person.

I was beyond frustrated that I was unable to participate in what is considered to be a normal part of social interaction.

There was also the shame and the rage that I felt deeply within my heart and soul about what I had allowed it to do to me and my life.

Believe me when I tell you that no one expects that they will suffer from addiction issues.

Nobody wants that.

It's certainly not anything that anyone aspires to.

And despite what some people might still think,

it is not a deliberate lifestyle choice.

It is in fact a mental health illness.

You might be wondering how I could be grateful for having a disease that completely ruined my life and almost took my life.

So let me explain.

I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned while recovering from it.

The truly broken person knows something that many people don't.

Remaining the same will kill you,

whether it be spiritually,

emotionally, or physically.

And depending on what you're battling,

it can even lead to all three.

Because of that, the person who is genuinely suffering will embrace the transformation required for life with Christ more readily,

urgently and fully.

They have no illusions that they are fine as they are.

They know they are not fine.

They are fully aware that their soul is sick.

They know that they need a savior.

Unfortunately,

it is the healthy person who often drifts,

who will stay lukewarm,

who believes that they are good enough,

who delays surrender because they think they have time.

I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.

Now I know that Jesus was referring to material wealth in that piece of scripture, and that it's not quite the same as what we are discussing.

But the concept is because when you think that you have everything you need,

will you ever truly see your need for Christ?

That is why desperation is a gift.

It is the desperate soul,

the spiritually impoverished,

the one who has lost everything,

who clings to Christ the tightest and who trusts him the deepest,

that is, who follows him the closest,

and who experiences the most beautiful and radical transformation.

I'm going to read an excerpt from my book From Broken to Butterfly,

pages 83 and 84.

My emotional,

mental and spiritual growth requires a commitment to change negative behaviors and responses and replace them with positive ones.

That type of dedication is required of people in recovery every day so that we don't fall back into old destructive patterns and relapse.

There is an immense amount of self reflection and correction that is necessary on my journey of recovery.

However,

the same can be said of My walk with Christ as a Christian woman.

Both require a great deal of work.

But my life today is so incredibly joyful and fulfilling that it's worth all the effort.

Addiction forces you to self reflect,

to admit you are powerless.

It forces you to surrender and to seek help.

It makes you depend on something greater than yourself.

But spiritually comfortable people,

they don't think they're powerless.

They don't think that they're sick.

They don't think that they're dying.

They believe life is manageable without total surrender.

And that is the deception that the enemy uses to keep people lukewarm.

But here's the truth.

Every soul is sick without Christ.

Every soul is in need of rebirth and recovery.

Even if addiction isn't the thing that is bringing them to their knees.

Every single one of us is is dying without Christ.

Whether the symptoms show up fast or slow,

physical death is guaranteed.

But spiritual death,

spiritual death is eternal.

And the enemy loves nothing more than convincing people that they are not that sick.

He wants them comfortable, complacent, and spiritually numb.

Because numb people never seek the great physician.

Recovery requires daily discipline.

Christianity requires daily surrender.

Both demand humility,

honesty, and a willingness to to confront the truth about who we've been and who God is calling us to be.

I'm going to read another part of my book, From Broken to Butterfly,

from page 107.

There are four stages in the evolution process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

However,

before the new creation can emerge,

there is an extremely painful process.

During the third stage, the caterpillar must break itself down completely.

Then, and only then,

can it reorganize itself into a new form.

Such is our transformation in recovery and in Christ.

In recovery, we call it hitting our bottom.

It is when we finally come to realize that we can no longer continue as we have been,

as who we have been.

When the pain of remaining the same far outweighs our fear of change.

The same can be said of people who don't struggle with addiction issues.

Their lives can be in turmoil simply because living in their own will has been detrimental to them.

Or perhaps they also have suffered traumas.

Their lives can be in turmoil simply because living in their own will has been detrimental to them.

Or perhaps they also have suffered traumas and need the infinite grace,

love and mercy of Christ to heal them and make them new again.

The parallels are there. If one wishes to see them,

that is the beauty of recovery and salvation.

They require breaking down so God can rebuild.

They require surrender,

so God can restore.

They require death to Self so God can resurrect.

That is why Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV Therefore,

if anyone is in Christ,

the new creation has come.

The old has gone,

the new is here.

And that is why I say with absolute conviction,

I am grateful for the disease that almost killed me because God used it to save me.

It is in the moment of surrender that the old self starts to die.

And the truth is,

the comfortable Christian needs that moment just as much as someone who is suffering does,

because everyone hits a bottom eventually and it just looks different.

But the spiritual consequences,

they are exactly the same.

Sometimes God will allow us to fall apart.

Not to destroy us,

but to rebuild us.

He is a good,

good God.

He would rather you falter and fail and fall short here so that he can pick you up and transform you,

so that when you leave the temporal, you can meet him in the eternal.

He would rather that for you than you be comfortable here,

but die and never make it over there.

And if that means that your hurt is here so that you could live with him eternally in heaven,

oh, he'll let you get hurt.

He'll let you get hurt because it serves a greater purpose.

And now I will read one last passage from my book.

To achieve greatness,

I'm referring to restoration and transformation of the heart,

mind and soul.

We must evolve,

we must change.

Often prior to such a miraculous and divine change,

we need to be broken down.

For it is only when we look at the fragmented pieces of ourselves and our lives that we finally surrender.

When there is no fight left in us and our arrogance has run dry,

we learn humility.

That is when God does His best work in us,

when we are no longer in our own way.

That is the message of recovery and that is the message of salvation.

God does his best work when we stop getting in our own way.

That is why desperation is not something to fear.

It is something to thank God for.

Because desperation is the end of you and the beginning of Him.

Jesus didn't come for the people who think they're fine.

He came for the sick. He came for the broken. He came for the people drowning in their own will.

As Jesus said in Mark 2:17 NIV it is not the healthy who need a doctor,

but the sick.

I have not come to call the righteous,

but sinners.

Here is what the Lord has shown me so so clearly.

Addiction wasn't the end of my life.

It was the beginning of my resurrection.

It was the place where God met me,

rescued me, redeemed me, and rebuilt me from the inside out.

And the truth is,

he wants to do that for everyone.

Not just the visibly broken.

Not just for the ones whose suffering is obvious,

but for the quiet struggler.

The person who is suffocating under secret sin,

the woman who looks fine but feels empty.

The person who believes they are managing life well enough to delay surrender.

The Christian who is lukewarm,

drifting,

or spiritually asleep.

You don't have to be at the bottom of a bottle to hit rock bottom.

You don't have to lose your family to realize that you're losing yourself.

You don't have to be hospitalized to recognize the sickness in your own soul.

Desperation is for everyone who finally recognizes their need for Jesus.

The gift of desperation isn't about addiction.

It's about awakening.

It's about clarity.

And it's about truth.

It is the moment when. When you realize,

I cannot save myself.

I cannot transform myself.

I need Jesus.

And in that moment,

whether you're in rehab or your car or your kitchen or on the floor of your bathroom,

God meets you.

That is the promise of scripture.

I want to speak directly to the woman listening who feels broken,

lost,

stuck,

numb,

ashamed or afraid.

You are not too far gone.

You are not too broken.

You are not too sick.

And you are not too late.

God specializes in impossible transformations.

He calls dead things to life.

He rebuilds shattered things and makes them stunning.

The Lord takes caterpillars and turns them into butterflies.

He did it for me.

And I know that he will do it for you too.

And now I'm going to ask you a few questions.

Have you mistaken comfort for spiritual health?

Have you confused stability with surrender?

Have you convinced yourself that you're fine when your soul is actually starving?

Let's pray.

Lord,

thank you for the gift of desperation.

Please help us be honest about our condition.

Allow us to strip away our complacency,

our pride and self reliance,

and help us draw into deeper dependence on you.

Break what needs breaking and heal what needs healing.

Transform us as only you can.

Make us new,

Lord.

Make us new.

In the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ,

our Savior, we pray.

Amen.

If today's message spoke to your heart,

please share it with a friend who needs hope,

courage and truth.

And don't forget to follow Born to be a Butterfly so you never miss an episode.

If you'd like to dive deeper into my journey of healing and transformation,

you can get my book From Broken to Butterfly on Amazon.

If you'd like to connect, you can DM me on Instagram at. Born to be a butterfly.

Or you can email me@ninapajonesmail.com until next time,

remember,

the Lord can turn your wounds into wings.

You were born to be a butterfly.

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