Anne Lamott talks about compassion and pity and portraying compassion as a connection to another's struggles versus pity as a detached, often condescending, feeling. Sarah explores some thoughts around this today - listen in!

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welcome and hello. I'm your host Sarah Williamson, and this is the Drink Less Live Better podcast.

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where I share resources, wisdom, insights and glimmers of hope and joy. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let's get straight to it.

At first glance, pity and compassion sound like cousins, two feelings you might have when you see someone suffering. But are they actually opposites?

Is cousin compassion the opposite of pity?

Let's start with a few definitions, because words shape the way we think.

Pity is often described as a feeling of sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

But hidden inside pity is a subtle hierarchy.

I feel sorry for you because you're beneath me in some way.

There's an implicit gap between the one who pities and the one being pitied.

Compassion, on the other hand, comes from the Latin, literally to suffer with.

It's not about standing above someone and observing their pain.

It's about stepping into their experience and recognising our shared humanity. So here's the first clue. Pity looks down. Compassion reaches across.

If pity feels condescending, why do people often confuse it with compassion?

Well, in English, we tend to blur the lines.

If you tell someone I pity you, it rarely lands well.

But if you say I feel compassion for you, the reaction is likely to be warmer. Both are responses to suffering.

Both begin with noticing pain, but the paths diverge right after that moment of recognition.

With pity, we stop at a distance. That poor person over there. With compassion, we move closer. That could be me. How can I support them?

It's the difference between staring at someone through a window versus opening the door and stepping into the room with them.

I'm going to give you two examples. First, pity.

Imagine you're walking past someone experiencing homelessness.

You glance at them and think, how sad. I'm glad that's not me.

You might toss some spare change over, but from a place of separation.

Almost like paying a fee to keep that discomfort away from you. Now, compassion. Same situation.

You notice the person, but instead of turning away, you let yourself imagine their exhaustion, their hunger, their fear.

Maybe you stop, ask their name, buy them some food, have a chat.

Compassion doesn't require you to fix everything, but it draws you into something that's less superficial.

The outer action might look similar in in either case, Maybe both people gave money, but the inner stance is worlds apart.

Another example, pity might sound, oh, poor you, how terrible. That's awful. Which maybe you think sounds sympathetic. I'm not so sure.

And compassion might sound like, oh, tell me more.

How are you feeling about that situation or circumstance? It's open. It's asking for information. It's showing that you're truly listening. Compassion demands a level of vulnerability.

If I pity you, I don't have to open myself to discomfort.

I can remain safe, protected, perhaps superior.

But compassion asks me to get close to you, to feel some of your pain alongside you. This can be scary for people. It threatens the illusion of control.

No wonder pity is a more common response. It costs less emotionally.

But the irony is that compassion, while riskier, is also more healing, not only for the person receiving it, but but for the one giving it.

Neuroscience research shows that compassion activates regions of the brain linked to reward and connection, while pity often activates avoidance. Compassion makes us feel connected. Pity leaves us feeling isolated. So the challenge is real.

We have to do the work from moving from looking down to standing beside someone. So back to our original question. Is compassion the opposite of pity? I'd say yes. And I'd argue for no.

Yes in the sense that pity is about separation, while compassion is about connection.

They pull us in opposite relational directions, but they're not opposites in the way hot opposes cold or light opposes dark.

They share the same route response to suffering, but they branch off into very different outcomes. Pity freezes us at a distance. Compassion invites us closer.

If you've hung around me for a while, you will know that I am not a fan of the binary.

I do not think most things are black or white.

Are A or B yes or no?

I truly believe in the shades of grey or the technicolours in between.

If pity does have an opposite, perhaps it's dignity.

And if compassion has an opposite, maybe it's indifference.

But when we place pity and compassion side by side, the contrast is stark enough that perhaps they almost feel like opposites.

So what should we do with this?

Next time you feel a wave of pity for someone or their situation, pause and ask yourself, am I standing above this person,

or am I willing to stand beside them?

That tiny shift from pity to compassion can transform not only how you treat others, but how you understand your own moments of pain.

Every one of us will need compassion at some point. None of us wants pity.

We want someone who will sit with us, not someone who will stand over us. Thank you for listening in today. Please come back again next week.

Do one kind thing this week for yourself and maybe for me too. Subscribe, rate and review the podcast.

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