It is no secret that the feeling of guilt, remorse, and emotional reactions when it comes to conflict in the workplace, at our homes, or at other areas that we once felt safe at, but no longer feel that way. Trying to overcome negative feelings that are associated with being infringed upon is not the best feeling, especially if it sends triggering signals for anxiety and depression to kick in (let alone other responses). Today’s episode is to empower you from fighting the feeling of negativity, and neutralizing the concerns that arise. We are all entitled to our opinions, but when they are directed towards us, our response dictates how we can best move forward.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 143 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today's episode might be a little

sensitive to some listeners, especially

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since we're going to be talking about

being attacked, not from the physical

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sense, but from the emotional response

that we typically have to some of the

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sensitive subject matters that might

come up, so if you are triggered by some

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sort of past trauma, maybe suffer from

PTSD, or some other type of triggering

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aspect that might be involved, not only

with yourself, but with family members, I

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highly encourage you to skip this episode.

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Nevertheless, though, if you really

want to learn how to overcome how you

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feel being attacked might be beneficial

to trying to change the conversation

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that you have, not only with others,

but yourself, you might want to stick

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around and learn some valuable tips and

techniques that might help you to not feel

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attacked anymore, because we can always

feel attacked, whether it's something

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that's happening at the very instantaneous

second that it's occurring, all the way

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to maybe even 20, 25, 30 years later,

still re-playing the events of that

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fateful attack to not only our emotional

abilities, but also our mental acuity to

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be able to overcome a variety of different

situations that might have occurred.

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I know that for even some people, dealing

with this type of subject matter involves

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actually talking about a physical

situation that has occurred, and by all

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means, I do encourage you to seek out

a therapist to process it effectively,

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but also to understand that the way in

which we process takes time, and not

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everybody is created equally when it

comes to overcoming this type of subject

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matter as well, but when we talk about

the inadequate feelings that we might

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have as a result of the triggering events

that have occurred, we're really talking

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about what might happen with anxiety, with

depression, maybe other responses that we

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have, especially when we have a different

type of wavelength with a person, place,

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or situation that might have occurred.

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The smells, the feelings, the emotions,

the connection that we normally associate

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to with a certain type of event that

has occurred can also be triggering in

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itself, and we need to be careful about

the ways in which we even talk about

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those concepts, especially if we were

ever going to make incremental progress

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in trying to address not only that feeling

of negativity, but also neutralizing

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any future concerns that come up.

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When you are attacked, I

know that it can be a very

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irrational feeling that you have.

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Perhaps one of the things that might

happen is that you get angry at someone.

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Why would they ever even attack

you, and your integrity, and your

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morality, in the first place?

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I have seen people even come in my

office being visibly upset because

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of someone's inability to actually

think things through, rationalize what

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might be the effect of their actions,

and my client, trying to just figure

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out where they fit in this world,

especially when it's shaken to the core.

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The response that we have, especially

when we're feeling attacked, is

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so important for us to understand.

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If we act on our primal instincts,

which go all the way back to caveman

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days, I can understand completely why

you would feel that attacking someone

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back equally, an eye for an eye if you

will, might be acceptable, but it's not.

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We are much better than that.

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We can learn to process things in a

variety of different ways, whether

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they're good or bad, but the ways in

which we're able to find a way that is

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not only healthy, but also understanding

of what the situation is that we're

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going through, can make such a big

difference in being able to talk about

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and process in a more effective manner.

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Now, this episode isn't guaranteed to

help you with all kinds of different

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things, because I really do mean this.

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The situations that we go through, whether

they're medical in nature, do require

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us to have an understanding of not only

the inputs and the outputs that we had

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experienced, but there might be a lot

more than what meets the surface, so this

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episode does not replace any professional

help, and I highly encourage you to seek

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it out, especially if it's something that

continues to linger in you, but from a

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coaching perspective, when we're talking

about the feeling of being attacked,

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we have to learn to understand where

that idea of being attacked comes from.

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Whether it's in your heart, in your

mind, or it's in your soul, we have to

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identify what part of the body might be

even holding that thought of not only

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feeling inadequate, maybe having that

rousing suspicion of anger and remorse,

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but in general, being able to understand

where that emotional response is coming

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from might help us to give clues as to

how we can resolve it, not only for the

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future, but also dealing with things

that might have happened in the past.

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Being attacked means that we have to

sometimes come to peace of what has

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happened, and for many years, I've had

to come to peace, not only of the things

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that I've done wrong, and I've hurt others

with, and have apologized for, but also to

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learn that letting go can be the biggest

type of medicine that we can consume

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in order for us to keep moving forward.

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I've held on to many different types of

bad relationships and many bad thoughts

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about what I was expected to be, but

without knowing any more information

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about what's really going on, how

can I ever be effective in being able

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to resolve that situation, not only

personally, professionally, or even in

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the grand scheme of things, being able

to talk about it in an eloquent manner?

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I know that for many of us, holding on to

that fear of being attacked, maybe even

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feeling like we are being pushed down

into this abyss of unworthiness, means

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that we have to revisit it, and we often

don't want to, but if we're ever going

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to grow and become the best versions of

who we are, facing that attacker head on,

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whether they are still here, or they're

imaginary in our mind because we have

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imprinted that situation into our brains,

means that we have to figure out what

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is triggering it in the first place.

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If we're ever going to grow, when it

comes to even talking about this type of

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subject matter, we have to explore why we

have those feelings in the first place.

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The feelings in themselves

are definitely justified.

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We have to learn from the fact that

those feelings situate inside of

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ourselves because they leave a mark.

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They not only help us to learn from not

repeating those mistakes, not revisiting

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those situations ever again, but they

also help us to learn that when we make

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a mistake, that mistake needs to be

corrected, but our body doesn't know

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the difference between what is really

the extreme, which is what we're talking

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about today, and what is really the

situation that we should be learning

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every time that we do something wrong.

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Think of it this way.

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When you put your hand over a stove that

is really hot, and you try to grab onto

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one of the burners, of course it's going

to have the effect that you anticipate: a

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scarred hand, and many visits, possibly,

to the hospital, especially if you have

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a first, second, or third degree burn.

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It just depends on what kind of treatment

that you need, but when we learn from

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the fact that we should never put our

hand on a hot stove, of course we're

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never going to do it again, but the

body doesn't understand the difference

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between that, and something that we can't

really materialize in our life again.

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For people that have always felt

like they have to be entitled to

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opinion, I have to ask you a question.

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Does your opinion really matter,

especially if that person that is hearing

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it, is truly affected and scarred for

life, because you didn't pay attention

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to not only what was going on in their

lives at the time, but even then, were

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you even respectful of what they might

have been pushing themselves through,

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especially if they have been subjected to

those things that you've had to say, which

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could have been said a little bit better?

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When we feel attacked, we feel

attacked, we know that our

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body is going to shut down.

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It's almost as if there is a

feeling of remorse, of guilt.

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It's an extreme in which that we

oftentimes don't have control over,

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and it's really tough for us to

overcome, especially if we have

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areas in which we need to grow in.

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We need to learn better skills of coping.

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Which is why, I always will say, to any

of my clients that are going through those

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sort of emotional outbursts, especially

those feelings of pain and remorse to

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sit in it, journal it, and then burn it.

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Throw it away so that

you never see it again.

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When we have that creative outlet, in

which we're able to let go of all the

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guilt and remorse and all the emotional

reactions that are associated with it,

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that can be one great way in which we

let go of that ever consuming pain;

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that frustration that might come from a

conflict that happened in the workplace,

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something that happened between our

spouse or our kids, or in other areas

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where we didn't feel safe overall.

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The same circumstances in which we felt

that way oftentimes don't need to be

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repeated time and time again, almost

as if we're being tortured to remember

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what it felt like to feel that way.

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Negative emotions not only lead to

negative consequences, but when we

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really don't think about it and if

we don't feel our way through all

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those things, of course it's going

to keep on raising its ugly head.

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We need to empower you, though, today.

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We need to figure out what is it that's

holding you back from just letting go;

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to just keeping that commitment that

you've always kept, to keep learning

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to grow in your relationships that

those people that have hurt you will

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not come back in your life, and even

if they do, how can you handle it in a

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different way so you're not triggered

the same way that you have been before?

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I know it's so easy for us to remember how

it felt when that situation that played

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out in our minds, regardless of what it

is, how it can create a negative impact

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in our lives, but if we're able to learn

from the fact that that happened for just

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the reason that it did, it's okay then

to understand that when we're attacked,

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it's okay to have the emotional response

that we had at that moment, but when we

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keep on holding on to that moment, and

keep on thinking about why we did what

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we did, that's where we stay in a place

that we're never going to be able to grow;

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we're never going to evolve in, just as

we've talked about in other episodes.

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I know it's so easy for us to stay in

a place in which it feels comfortable,

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especially when it's not comfortable

to begin with, and that's what's so odd

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about having this conversation today.

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As much as we want to change and evolve in

ways in which we want to learn and foster

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new relationships, gain the confidence

and the ability to be determined to

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move forward through all these different

things that happen in our lives, it's

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also safe, at the same time, to be able

to stay in that feeling of remorse, guilt,

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conflict, and we can never get out of it.

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I think that safety is what we usually

hold on to, which is usually the central

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tenet of all the things that we oftentimes

don't want to make changes in our lives

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about, because when we're holding on to

that safety net of what's going on, that

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means that we have some form of control,

even if we have no control at all.

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It's an interesting psychological deficit

that we have to overcome, because if

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we don't feel safe, why are we thinking

that it's safe in the first place?

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It's almost as if our brain is tricking us

into staying in a place that is not only

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complacent, but has negative feelings.

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It infringes upon that feeling of

overcoming the worst versions of

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ourselves, but on that journey of

feeling like we're the absolute worst,

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we can become the best versions if

we're just able to change the triggering

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messages that come from a situation

such as what we've been through.

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This episode is very difficult for us to

talk about, because it means that we have

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to overcome the opinions of a variety

of different places that you might be

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coming from, maybe it's something in

which you've been battered, in which

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you've been absolutely destroyed, not

only emotionally, but physically as well.

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The resources that you once had are gone.

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The ability for you to rationalize the

conversation that you had before is gone.

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You're basically relearning skills

that maybe you've learned a long time

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ago, but now have to be reconstructed,

almost as if you're going through

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occupational or physical therapy.

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You have to learn though, that by

changing your mindset, getting over what

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has happened in the past when you felt

that fear of being attacked, can help

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make such a big difference in the way

in which you're able to move forward.

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When we talk about having authentic

conversations, we're talking about

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learning how to diffuse that situation

that has happened, and learning how

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to have a new conversation about

it, so that it empowers you to keep

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pressing forward; to not be held back

in those strongly conceived feelings

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of remorse, guilt, maybe even emotional

pain that you're experiencing.

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I think that we have to fight the

feeling of negativity by neutralizing

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not just the feeling that is associated

with it, not just the way in which

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we're not only processing that

feeling, but we have to relearn how

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to digest material going forward.

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I've always been an advocate on this show

about surrounding yourself with the right

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people; the right individuals, the right

resources, even the right talents, if you

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will, to be able to keep pressing yourself

forward, but in order to grow in the

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way in which I'm talking about today, it

means that you sometimes have to let go.

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It means taking that pain and

turning it into positivity.

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It means sharing what is on your

heart, in a good way, instead of

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thinking about all the bad things

that have happened in the past.

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This is not easy for me to talk

about, because it means letting go

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of some of the things that have even

hurt me in the past, but I know that

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every time that a bad feeling comes

up, I can change it for the better.

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I have control of it,

so remember this today.

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You will always have control of how you

feel, of how you process things, and

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how you can change the dynamic of your

conversations that you have going forward,

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but if you're afraid of saying what is

on your heart, letting go, and talking

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to someone that can professionally help

you, or even letting go of the things

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that might be holding you back and

wanting to help you move that needle

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forward, well, just as one guest has

put it, you might not be the rebel that

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you once thought, but there is always

hope, and I want to give you that hope

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today to keep moving forward, even if you

think that it's really terrible to do,

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because when you feel attacked, you're

justified in feeling the way you do.

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You're allowed to spend some time in it.

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I give you permission to do

it, but you have to let it go.

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You don't have to live

in that moment forever.

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You don't have to be that person that

was dejected, ridiculed, or shamed.

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You are so much better, you are so

much wiser, and you're so much more

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confident than you were before.

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If you remember that, and you know

that there's hope at the end of

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that tunnel, trust me on this.

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That person, that place, that thing,

regardless of what triggers you, will

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no longer hold the power to control you

anymore, and I think that is the best

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feeling, the best positive feeling,

as opposed to the worst negative

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feeling that you could ever experience.

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Start letting go, and start living today,

by not only seeking the professional

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help that you need, but to find your

voice in this ever changing world.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 143 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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See you next time.