What is the actual difference between empathy and compassion? Alan Watts called compassion the cosmic wink that says I see you, fellow player. That is the whole of it.

Judgement is when we look up and decide she is lazy or he is attention seeking. Then somebody lists everything wrong with their day and we cannot stand it, usually because we do not like seeing our own mirror. When you let compassion in, you let in all your own flaws with it. The heart opens both ways or it does not open.

One thing to try: Next time somebody lists their troubles, notice what it stirs in you before you judge it.

In this episode

• (0:00) Compassion is the cosmic wink. I see you, fellow player
• (2:30) The judgement that says she is lazy, he is attention seeking
• (5:15) Somebody listing everything wrong with their day
• (7:39) My spasms, my cold, and everything going on
• (9:50) We do not like seeing our own mirror
• (12:13) Let it in and you let in your own flaws as well
• (14:48) An action, not a feeling. I see you and I feel you

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Steven

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So, compassion is the cosmic wink that says, I see you, fellow player.

That's Alan Watts' take on what compassion is. And I just love that. And I'm going to talk about that

a bit more in the podcast.

But I heard Ken Wilber, when he wrote in The Post-Truth World, he said that the

only real judgement from an integral level is compassion. And that really did make me think about

the word compassion. And I thought about empathy and I thought about where judgement comes from. So that's what this

episode is all about. Compassion becoming whole. And what's the difference between empathy, judgement and

compassion? And as you know, on Stillness in the Storms, we talk about things that make us more whole and

helps us through the most difficult times in life. So that's what this episode is about. But before I move

on to the episode, I do want to thank some donators this week. These are the people that donate a

coffee to me and keep the podcast free from adverts. So, yeah, three cheers to them. So we got a

few here this week. Gregory, Sherry, John, Judith, Hannah, Julie, Eva ranny jenny

shilper and katherine and okay that's over the last three weeks or so, because I haven't done a podcast in

the last three weeks. That is over like a little bit of time, maybe even four weeks. But, you know,

thank you to you all. You are absolutely awesome. And if you would like to join that exclusive, awesome, amazing

group and keeping this podcast free, just go to StevenWebb.uk links to other podcasts and where you can donate a

coffee that's absolutely amazing. You can do it via Paypal or do it via Buy Me a Coffee. But let's

talk about compassion and mainly what it's about and how it really helps us and what's the difference?

So when we talk about judgement and empathy and compassion. So judgement is I'm judging you,

I'm looking at you and I'm judging you based on things. Then judgement isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you're

in danger and you need to judge which person is going to attack you first or judge whether an animal

is a danger to you or not, that kind of judgement I'm not talking about. I'm talking about the kind

of judgement when we look up and we might say like, well, she's lazy or he's just attention seeking and

they're always so negative. That kind of judgement we judge people based on normally through our own shadows,

but that's a whole different story. I'm not gonna open that can of worms on this podcast, but we we

always. I will slightly, actually. We always see the whole world through our own lenses, through our own experiences,

through our own lives. We don't see the world the way it is. We see the world the way we

see it. And whenever we judge, we can only judge based on what we know. And normally what annoys us

most is what is really going on inside of us. Now, then that takes a bit of time to break

apart and to see, but it's the reality and the truth. When you strip away all the anger that goes

with that and the judgement itself, that's what's left. And it's a wonderful

wholeness, feeling that when we can genuinely see that ah it gives a sense

of relief. It's like, okay, so everybody. I was judging everybody. I was thinking really I was judging myself. No,

that's not true. Maybe it is. What if it is? And if it comes down to it is which it

will, it's like, okay, now I know where to work. Now I know what to do. So every time you

do judge someone, turn the finger around and you know where your work lies. But then let's talk about empathy.

Empathy is that thing where, you know, judgement is. She's lazy. Empathy is. She must be exhausted.

I felt that kind of burnout before. You can see where that goes now. You know, you're you're recognising that

they're tired, but then you turn it around onto yourself. So I felt that. And I can't imagine what he's

been through, but I feel the weight in his silence again. I feel the weight. It's about me.

And that kind of pain changes you. I remember when I was there too. Again, instantly you sit down with

them I think Brennan Brown said in one of her books um in one of her vulnerability books she's always

writing about vulnerability. I think, anyway, I haven't read all the books but she said the difference between empathy and

compassion. And we all think we need to give empathy. Not so much. We need to give compassion. And what's

the difference when. So someone sat down there and you sit down there next to them on the bench, say,

how are you doing today? They say oh you won't believe it. My arm is absolutely kidding me I got

a headache. I'm really tired. I'm like fed up with work the Kids are driving mental now. Then empathy is.

Yeah, same with my life. I remember when my kids were driving me mental when I was tired as well.

And I'm overworked and yeah, I know we are too because I've been there. That's empathy. Then I. The irony

is we think we're helping the other person, we think we're doing them a favour by empathizing with them, but

we're not. We've just taken everything away from them and putting it on ourselves and going Hey look, you might

be suffering but I've been there, I've suffered like that, pull some attention onto me. Whereas compassion sits there and

goes, do you know what? You're struggling right now? I feel that I feel it with them but don't put

it onto you or just, just give them a hug or just look at them and go,

that's not easy. And I'm not saying do this out of whether or not or do it in a

non-genuine way that if you're not genuine, don't do it, do it with a genuine open heart and go, do

you know what? I just want to sit here and be with you if you care about that person, because

that's what that person needs, that's what that person wants. It wants someone to see them and it goes back

to that brilliant, brilliant thing. Compassion is the cosmic wink that says, I see you fellow player, I see you

fellow player because we're all just players on a world stage, Shakespeare said, and we are, and

we're here in a fleeting moment and we just need compassion for our game, you know, to want someone to

see me and go, yeah, he's doing all right. When someone said to me at one point, we're all just

heroes in our own journey, I'm like, I'm not, that's not me. I don't see myself as a hero. But

boy did they plant a seed.

Oh they were right, they were right. So ever since then, now it's about three or four years ago, I

heard that now might have even been a bit longer, but I often just think, yeah, I

am the hero. So when I've been the victim, I've not been the victim, I'm like, yeah, life's really tough

right now. It's really kicking me, it's really like I'm exhausted, I'm not sleeping, I'm poorly, I've got a cold,

I've got all these things going on, my spasms are terrible, you wouldn't believe it. And I've had to put

on my big boy pants and I've had to go to meetings and I've had to do all these things.

It seems like I'm playing the victim. I'm not, I'm shouting that I'm the hero because look at me, I'm

fighting against all the odds. And that's the way we do. We're actually writing a story in our head of

us as the hero. Now

then, I know my listeners, I know you're going to come up with some resistance to that, but I really

want you to think about it. Think about your life. And when your life was really sucks, when your

life is really difficult and you were struggling, didn't you feel like a bit of a hero at the time?

Didn't you feel like you were the one soldiering through? You were the one doing. You were the one that

is helping the world? And that's fine. That's brilliant. Because it's a brilliant emotion that humans have evolved.

If humans didn't evolve this empathy and judgement and shame and guilt and enlightenment and happiness

and all of these different emotions, including the feeling of victimhood mixed in with the shame and the guilt

and the heroism mixed in with the enlightenment and the happiness and the overcoming the fear, what

would be the point? But Let's get back to compassion for a minute because I always do this. I always

go way off topic. I always remember being in a call with Doshin, one of my teachers. And he's one

of my teachers that is just. He's one of my best teachers. And I'll tell you why. Because he winds

me up,

tries to be insane. And he's never going to listen to my podcast. But if he ever did, he would

look at this and laugh and go, good. And I'll tell you why. I am neck deep, pluralistic green.

you know, tree huggers annoy the hell out of me because I am one it's The people that annoy me

most are the people that are so like me. We don't like to see our own mirror. And I said

to him one day, we were there, and he was talking away, and he was talking about empathy and compassion.

And I put up my little hand on the zoom call. He said Steven all right Yeah

I said, I want you to tell me the difference between empathy and compassion. And he always

says this to all of us. He always says this line, and this line is so hard to do. And

he says, but I want you to Zen it out.

I want you to bring it down to its lowest possible denominator so it cannot be divided

anymore, it cannot be broken down anymore. So I said to him, and I want you to zen it out.

What's the difference? And he said, empathy is about you. Compassion is about them. I was like, wow,

what does that mean? But when I thought about it over the coming weeks, and when that really just. That

grew Inside of me, it made me really think. I don't. I think he was right in that context. But

empathy is always about us. And when compassion is about them, what I would say is compassion, empathy is about

me, me, me alone. It's me feeling your pain. Look at me, I'm the hero right now because I can

feel your pain. The irony, the irony of what we think it looks like to what it really is. You

know that sink in for a minute. But I'm I'm feeling like I'm annoying people today. I'm annoying myself,

and that's okay. But compassion is about them. So what does that mean? Compassion

is about us and them and everything. So if you're sitting there in judgement or sitting there in empathy, it's

a contraction, it's a closeness of heart, it's a closeness of yourself, it's

a non-growth Whereas compassion, on the other hand, it's a complete opening. It's a let everything in. So you let

their pain in, you let the world's pain in, you let their ignorance in, you let their childness

behaviour you let their everything about everything you don't like, you let in. And when you let it in, you

let in all the flaws in yourself. All

the things you don't like about yourself, you let in as well. And your heart opens and then you have

compassion and then you have acceptance because you, you accept yourself for all you are. For the victim, the hero,

the judger, the shame, the guilt, the failure, the awesome person you are. All of those things that you

have inside knowledge on and you know what I mean? Why is it so hard to love yourself? Because we

know we know what's really going on inside the mind. You know, when people go are you ever so kind,

you're like, you have no idea what's really going on in my mind. I am literally just milking this situation

for my own advantage right now. But I cannot say it because you'll judge me if I do. But that's

the reality. I hope you're laughing now because that's the truth. Or at least it is for me anyway. It

definitely is for me. I'm working on it. Whenever anybody says. And you can, you can test this now. Whenever

anybody says on Facebook or one of the social medias and all that. Oh, Steven, you're so caring. Or you

say I'm like, I'm working on it. I'm really not yet that caring. I'm doing it all for myself. I

towed a helicopter around Cornwall to raise money for the Cornwall Air Ambulance. So I Felt less guilty because they

picked me up one day and saved my life. So I've got to give something back. And I love doing

it. I'm organizing another fundraising event we're gonna do it in February. Now, I had a meeting about this morning.

Why? Because it makes me feel good. Am I doing it for other people? Great that other people get something

from it. But I'm doing it because I'm gonna feel good. I don't want to feel guilty. The point is,

I know that about me. I know I'm doing it for me. I know I'm doing it to rub my

little ego and go, hey, I'm the hero here. And that's okay, because I can't get rid of that. I

can't remove my humanness. It's like saying, I'm never gonna feel fear again. Good luck with that.

I'm never going to feel happiness again. I'm never going to feel shame or guilt again. Good luck with that.

Because these things will come. The idea is becoming whole. And this is why compassion

isn't one of isn't necessarily one of the ones you feel. Compassion is an action, empathy and judgement their

actions And compassion is an action of opening up and caring about people. It's an action

of really, hey, I see you, fellow player, and I can feel you so So I'm just going to talk

about a few voices in the conversation about compassion and what it is.

And psychology notes that safety, not criticism. It really does rewire the brain.

Just that, safety, but not criticism. So compassion really does change you.

It makes you come more whole. Zen reveals, when the judge vanishes, only caring action

remains.

So when you drop the judge, you just care.

And you think about that. When you meet someone and you're not judging them, what's left? Yeah,

just acceptance.

And you Now, Integral Wisdom says that as your perspective widens, the natural response is

compassionate service.

The more you see, the more compassionate you become.

And I read the other day that every single level you go up on Ken Wilber's Aqual, all quadrants and

all lines, on the conscious levels, you just take more information,

more perspectives, more depth. The problem is, nowadays we're doing more span than we're doing depth. We

move to another level, we reach more people and we ignore the other levels we were at. Whereas really we

need more depth and we need to. When we move up a level, we need to include those previous levels

transcend and include not transcend and Ignore transcend and condemn. It's hard work isn't it It's

hard work. This waking up and growing up and showing up and. Yeah, but it is what it is.

And I tell you what, it might be hard work, but boy, is it revealing that it just, it just

gives joy. It gives a real fulfillment that you cannot get through happiness and

joy and experiences. It's like you're filling your cup with something that's really nourish, nourishing rather than

something that is just, you know, oh, that was good. That solved the first for two minutes. No, something that

lasts, you know, And a couple of micro practices you can do for this. Just a morning question. Who will

need my kindness today?

And just do a midday pause, just two breaths before responding to conflict. So in

conflict, just take two breaths. If someone says something that you disagree with, take two breaths. If someone does something

like drive a car and doesn't. I was gonna say doesn't wake, doesn't do their indicator, take two breaths

and if you still want to respond or react, take another two breaths. And you know where I'm going from

there.

And you know, I'm working again. I'm working on this. I'm not that good at it myself, but I'm getting

there. An evening with you. Just celebrate one compassionate act, however small, at the end of

the day, even if it's just a compassionate act towards yourself yeah

at lunchtime. I did not judge myself when I started spiraling into that. You're useless or you're. You can't do

anything or you haven't got a purpose or what you're doing in life. Yeah. And I just want to close

this podcast with a huge thank queue and a huge open heart and just say, do you know what? I

don't know what I have got to say, actually, but just. I'm going to go back to that.

I see you, fellow player.

I'm here laughing with you because you

cannot get rid of the humanness. Be human. Be a whole human. Include everything

someone gives you information, include it Doesn't mean to say you have to give away, just include it. If you

feel an emotion, include it. If you feel like you want to be the hero, be a hero. If you

feel you want to be a victim, be a victim. Trust me, the hero will step in. It won't take

long. I'm going to leave you one thing. Can you leave a review on this podcast? Can you type a

review before you do anything else? Because it really does help reach more people. Apple especially love reviews.

And it also tells me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. So that really does help me.

So if. Do you know what? If one in ten of you leave a review, even if it's just one

single sentence, I will have probably a hundred reviews by the end of the next couple of days. But I

know the chances are there'll be two or three. Be that outlier that gives a review. That'd be awesome. And

then you can celebrate that one compassionate act tonight. Hey, I gave Steven in review when he asked me to

now I'm gonna leave you with this. When I end my podcast and say I love you, I do it

with compassion and with complete acceptance who

you are,

and hopefully someday. I love myself with who I am ultimately thank you.

Thank you to the donators You are awesome and I love you.