Kyle tells the story of growing up, towering over his mother and sister and looking very different from them, but being loved. Locating his birth mother he was amazed to see someone he looked like but struggled to get along with as she battled her own pain. In the end, he was able to truly connect to his Native American heritage while discovering the pain that was deep within him. His experience inspired him to write two songs.

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Kyle:                            00:03               And that’s the thing is she’s a great person. It was just very hard towards the end to have the relationship because I think she felt she wanted to be my mom. I just period and she couldn’t be. She didn’t raise me and it was a very tough thing for her. And I think it’s just the trauma, you know, it’s easy to get wrapped up in my own trauma, but you know, that can’t be easy… Giving up a baby, especially when you don’t want to.

Voices:                        00:35               Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon:                       00:47               This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and my guest on the show today is Kyle. He called me from Seattle, Washington. Kyle tells the story of growing up, towering over his mother and sister and looking very different from them, but being loved, locating his birth mother. He was amazed to see someone he looked like, but struggled to get along with as she battled her own pain. In the end, he was able to truly connect to his native American heritage and the experience inspired him to write two songs. Here’s part of one of them called the saddest song and did this is Kyle’s journey

Kyle Singing:                02:15               [Music] See all of me. I’m there before you. You’re In my dreams, but I don’t know you.

Damon:                       02:33               Kyle said that he had a good childhood, but they didn’t really talk about adoption still. He felt like everyone in the family knew he was adopted and some folks were a little nicer to him in his extended family while some folks were less so within Kyle’s nuclear family. His mother told him the story of how she had several babies to choose from, but she picked him and he liked that his dad was engaged, cracking jokes, and he was a fun Dad, but his parents separated when he was young, so the challenges of switching between houses made things a little tougher. He acknowledges that he did feel kind of different.

Kyle:                            03:10               Really good childhood. I think I always felt a little different, but when you’re a child you don’t really know why. I just thought I was very shy, so I think I attributed a feeling different. Just that I wasn’t outgoing. My sister is very outgoing and so I thought, well, it’s just because I’m really shy that people don’t notice me as much or you know, I feel different. Yeah, we’d go to my grandparents’ house. They have a farm in North Dakota and go there as children for the summer and my grandmother did the opposite. I was the youngest, so a lot of times the older kids didn’t want to play with me so she would take me under her wing and teach me things and my grandfather would take me with him and he, you know, fix farm equipment. And so that was a, that was actually some of the best memories I’ve had in my life was growing up on the farm.

Damon:                       04:05               Those were great because Kyle could just tag along as his grandmother baked and did other things around the farm. She taught him a little about how to play piano and told him stories about when his father was younger or when she first met Kyle’s mother. His grandmother knew he was shy and she needed to reach out to connect with him. She even attempted to connect him with his heritage.

Kyle:                            04:29               They always knew that I had some native American blood, but they didn’t know what tribe or anything else, but I remember when I was really young that my grandmother took me by myself all the way up into Canada to go to a powwow and at the time I didn’t really know. Yeah, I didn’t think it through. I just thought, oh, this is kind of cool. Or by herself and, but looking back he was trying to show me things that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. Um, my family is very scandinavian, so that was a very, a very interesting.

Damon:                       05:05               You appreciate that. She did that or like, what’s your feeling about that?

Kyle:                            05:09               I think she, she knew of my birth heritage and just thought I’m going to, I’m going to take him up there and expose him to cultures that may be like, you know, some of his ancestors. I also remember she would tell me ,well, When she was little, it was still in a lot of places to kind of the wild west, you know, so she remembers a chief that would come into town and trade for things when she was a little kid, so she told me about him all the time and how he was really tall and proud and so I think she, yes, she used her, her real experiences also to connect with me in ways that I didn’t even fully. I mean I appreciate them, but I appreciate them more now.

Damon:                       05:52               Kyle paints a picture of his grandmother as a very kind person you may have picked up on. Kyle’s mentioned of his sister. She was born after his mother had two miscarriages. After her birth, his mother’s physician told her she could not have another child naturally or it might kill her. So Kyle was adopted. Remember now he’s already said his family is very scandinavian. His sister, is blue eyed and blonde haired. I’m sure you can imagine that Kyle’s descent from native Americans gave him dark brown eyes, black hair, and to add to their differentiation, he’s six foot three, much taller than his family. Kyle and his sister battled like any sibling pair would as children, but they’re much closer now as adults. Sadly, his father passed away when he was 11 years old, making the challenge of raising two children much harder for their mother still. She was a great mother, so he didn’t feel much desire to seek out his birth. Mother, Kyle said it wasn’t until his mid twenties that he really decided he wanted to search. He said the urge just hit him one day.

Kyle:                            07:01               It comes a an awakening, I guess, where you realize that you want to just know, and I guess I had been married really young. I had a child. I got divorced so I had to kind of a new life and I think that’s when I started realizing that I, I want to know more. I wasn’t putting my energy into my marriage anymore and I think that also kind of… I was a little bit depressed, so I think that made me think more of longing and things that might make my life better or things that are kind of in the back of my mind,

Damon:                       07:36               Kyle was wondering what his birth mother looked like and what bits of the information the social worker had given his family were right. His mother found some notes from the social worker from the time prior to his adoption. The documents said that Kyle was a plump little baby with chubby cheeks and his birth mother was very young. She also noted to her social worker back then that his birth father was a truck driver and Kyle is a black crow Indian. Reading that for himself, Kyle was left to imagine whether his birth mother wanted him or if she was forced to give him up. Did she try to keep him or did she hand him over easily because he was a mistake. He had lots of unanswered questions, but I know that for many people actually reading your true heritage instead of just hearing rumors from family members can be a bit of a moment. I asked Kyle about that moment for him.

Kyle:                            08:29               That really hit me because it, it kind of reinforced the identity. I already know. You kind of identify yourself as different things. It made me realize I wasn’t know. I wouldn’t say like living a lie, but you kind of wonder. There’s a lot of family things that people say they turned out not to be true. So I always wonder, am I really, you know, I have black hair and everything, but I am more pale skin, so I’m thinking maybe I’m just, you know, what if it turns out I’m Italian and I’m tall from, you know, or whatever. So it felt good. It felt good to, to be told something for so long and then have it be real. It made me feel a little bit of a little piece to me. I was missing, you know, made me. Yeah. Made me a little bit more whole. I think

Damon:                       09:21               I can see how that’s true. If all of your life, you’re told that you’re generally native American, then you learn your true tribal identity. Anyway, the letterhead was from children’s home society. He called them and they said he could go in to have a conversation that same day,

Kyle:                            09:38               and I told him who I was, what my, what I wanted to find out, and they said, well, your birth mother sent a letter this week, which was just crazy. She sent a letter to let them know that if I contacted them that she wants them to let me contact her back and had her address. So

Damon:                       10:04               The same week that you walked in there, She sent a letter?

Kyle:                            10:07               Yeah, she’d sent it. It gotten there a couple days before I stood in the office. I mean it was still in her desk, in a file drawer that she probably just put in a couple of days before that just waiting in the off chance that eventually someone might come in and I was yet literally there within days. So

Damon:                       10:27               That’s unreal, wow. That’s incredible.

Kyle:                            10:29               Yeah, it was an amazing. It’s like we both had the same idea just like I got to make sure he can find me and I’m like, I need to find her. And then Bam, every word.

Damon:                       10:41               Kyle said he was 28 when that remarkable simultaneous search for each other started. I told him I thought that their timing was really interesting because it wasn’t like he was 18 or 21 landmark ears in a person’s life when their birth parent might say to themselves, okay, he’s legal or now he’s old enough. Twenty eight was a fairly odd year to my mind and after I said it to Kyle, he agreed, but he said it was actually a great time for her to reach out because he knew more about who he was and he was more comfortable in his skin. He was an angry guy in his early twenties, but after his divorce and the birth of his son, he had...

070 - Kyle

070-i-dont-think-she-can-move-forward-from-the-pain-final

[00:00:25] Kyle: But, you know, that can't be easy, giving up a baby, especially when you don't want to.

[00:00:37] Damon: Who am I? Who

[00:00:40] Damon: Who am I?

[00:00:44] Damon: am I? Who am I? This is Who Am I, Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis, and my guest on the show today is [00:01:00] Kyle. He called me from Seattle, Washington. Kyle tells the story of growing up, towering over his mother and sister, and looking very different from them, but being loved.

[00:01:38] Kyle: See all of me I'm there before you You're in my dreams But I don't know you Feeling for peace I'm searching, I'm [00:02:00] searching Missing a piece I'm home I'm hurting, part of my soul Was emptied, burn me Not yours to hold Return me, and free me

[00:02:54] Damon: His dad was engaged, cracking jokes, and he was a fun dad. But [00:03:00] his parents separated when he was young, so the challenges of switching between houses made things a little tougher. He acknowledges that he did feel kinda different.

[00:03:19] Kyle: I think I just thought I was very shy, so I think I attributed, uh, feeling different just that I wasn't outgoing. My sister was very outgoing. And so I thought, well, it's just because I'm really shy that people don't notice me as much or, you know, that I feel different. Yeah, we'd go to, uh, my grandparents house, uh, they have a farm in North Dakota and go there as children for the summer.

[00:04:05] Damon: Those farm days were great because Kyle could just tag along as his grandmother baked and did other things around the farm. She taught him a little about how to play piano and told him stories about when his father was younger or when she first met Kyle's mother. His grandmother knew he was shy, and she needed to reach out to connect with him.

[00:04:29] Kyle: They always knew that I had some Native American blood, but they didn't know what tribe or anything else. But I remember when I was really young that my grandmother took me by myself all the way up into Canada to go to a powwow. And at the time, I didn't really know, you know, I didn't think it through.

[00:05:05] Damon: Do you appreciate that she did that? Or like, what's your feeling about that?

[00:05:47] Kyle: In ways that I didn't even fully, I mean, I appreciated them, but I appreciate them more. Now,

[00:06:08] Damon: Or, it might kill her. So Kyle was adopted. Remember now, he's already said his family is very Scandinavian. His sister is blue eyed and blonde haired. I'm sure you can imagine that Kyle's descent from Native Americans gave him dark brown eyes, black hair, and to add to their differentiation, he's 6'3 much taller than his family.

[00:06:53] Damon: Kyle said it wasn't until his mid twenties that he really decided he wanted to search. He said the urge [00:07:00] just hit him one day.

[00:07:36] Damon: Kyle was wondering what his birth mother looked like and what bits of the information the social worker had given his family were right. His mother found some notes from the social worker from the time prior to his adoption. The document said that Kyle was a plump little baby with chubby cheeks and his birth mother was very young.

[00:08:15] Damon: He had lots of unanswered questions, but I know that for many people, actually reading your true heritage, instead of just hearing rumors from family members, can be a bit of a moment. I asked Kyle about that moment for him.

[00:08:37] Kyle: You know, you kind of identify yourself as different things, you know, you're, it made me realize I wasn't, um, I don't know, I wouldn't say like living a lie, but, you know, you kind of wonder, there's a lot of family things that people say and they turn out not to be true, so I always wonder, am I really, you know, I have black hair and everything, but I'm, I have more pale [00:09:00] skin, so I'm thinking maybe I'm just, you know, what if it turns out I'm Italian and I'm tall from, you know, or whatever.

[00:09:21] Damon: I can see how that's true. If all of your life you're told that you're generally Native American, then you learn your true tribal identity.

[00:09:38] Kyle: And I told them, you know, who I was, what my, what I wanted to find out, and they said, well, your birth mother sent a letter this week, which was just crazy, that she sent a letter to let them know that if I contacted them, that she wants them to let me contact her back.[00:10:00]

[00:10:04] Damon: in there, she sent a letter?

[00:10:23] Kyle: And I was, yeah, Literally there within days. That's

[00:10:29] Kyle: Yeah, that was amazing. It's like we both had the same idea.

[00:10:34] Kyle: She's like, I gotta make sure he can find me. And I'm like, I need to find her. And then, bam, there we were.

[00:10:45] Damon: I told him I thought that their timing was really interesting because it wasn't like he was 18 or 21, landmark years in a person's life, when their birth parent might say to themself, okay, he's legal, or, now he's old enough. [00:11:00] 28 was a fairly odd year to my mind, and after I said it to Kyle, he agreed. But he said it was actually a great time for her to reach out because he knew more about who he was and he was more comfortable in his skin.

[00:11:36] Kyle: Yes, definitely. It's a bunch of factors, but first I lost my father when I was 11, so he never really, I wasn't taught how to be a man through him as much because I was so young. So, having a child actually helped me to become a man. And not only that, uh, they didn't, their rooms were all full. There were so many people giving birth that, [00:12:00] We had to be in a tiny exam room.

[00:12:31] Kyle: Well, now that son is 25. So, you know, and he's, he's a, he's a really neat guy and I have three children now and I just can't imagine my life without them. And I, maybe for me, at least as an adoptee, there's something about being able to build your own family and. You know, you're more in control of the relationships, and yeah, it really has changed my life a lot, and I never realized [00:13:00] how much it would change me.

[00:13:12] Damon: It's amazing. Kyle was way more excited than he was nervous to send his birth mother a letter, so he went straight home to draft it. Knowing that she actually wanted contact made the whole thing so much easier.

[00:13:28] Kyle: Yeah, she was very, gave me her phone number, was very interested in meeting me. And her letter told me that she never wanted to give me up, she wanted to keep me. But that her parents had made her, um, give me up. And It was just, it was, it was sad and I felt sad for her having to give me up, but I was so happy that she'd wanted me.

[00:14:14] Kyle: The fact that she wanted me and, you know, I, I just think that's a very powerful thing is feeling wanted, you know, that's a very human thing just in life in general, but to know your mom does or doesn't want you is, I think, uh, something that you really want to know. So that was, uh, that was really great.

[00:14:46] Damon: How was that first conversation?

[00:15:02] Kyle: And I want you to know that I wanted you, and I don't want you to feel like I didn't want you, so I The first conversation was a lot of reassurances. She really wanted me to know that she'd always thought about me. You know, she told me she thought about me every day, and yeah, it was, uh She was just very Very thankful and happy that I reached out to her and as you know as I was to her and

[00:15:37] Damon: He tried to imagine what it was going to be like to speak with his birth mother and tell her about his adopted mother But he said describing his mom to his birth mom wasn't nearly as awkward as he thought it would be. A few days later, Kyle went to meet his mother in person. He took the ferry to the island where she lives, off the coast of Washington State.

[00:16:01] Kyle: She opens the door and she's even shorter than my mom and sister, but she's got You know, she's got black hair and the really dark brown eyes. And so it's like I Felt an instant kinship, but I was also surprised part of me was Like, why is she not blonde? Because I was so used to, you know, mother figures, and women in my life were always blonde or light haired, and so part of my brain was like, she's not blonde?

[00:16:47] Kyle: And not only that, but I'm People tell me I'm really laid back. And I got it from her 100%. She is very, very laid back and seems very calm. And yeah, it was [00:17:00] interesting to see that right away. See the, um, the features and The way she acts and she paints and draws, and I paint and draw, we had a lot of things like that in common as well, that was very kind of eye opening and, you know, and there's the whole, you know, nature versus nurture, and I don't really know if some things are coincidences or not, but it just, it felt like, it felt like a genetic thing, laid back painters and drawers, you know, and, but, uh, yeah, that was amazing that I'll never forget meeting her and, She was very, very nice, and

[00:17:47] Damon: He just divorced his wife and moved back in with his mother to focus on saving money to provide for his son. So meeting his birth mother filled a wide open void, giving him a new sense of joy. [00:18:00] And coming off of that high in 1999, a separate relationship also started.

[00:18:08] Damon: Wow.

[00:18:17] Damon: Kyle told me his world expanded with two new dark haired women. When I asked how the relationship with his birth mother progressed, he said that was the tough part. He didn't ask about his birth father at first because he didn't want to upset or offend her.

[00:18:37] Kyle: You know, when I approached the subject, she didn't really want to talk very much about it. It was very, uh, little information. And I actually kind of, I found that with kind of every man in her life. She didn't really want to talk about her father. Um, so that would be, you know, my grandfather.

[00:19:07] Damon: Kyle figured if the topic hurt her, he wouldn't bring it up. But he did want a little more information, just in case he wanted to try to find the man someday. He still had curiosities, like whether there were medical conditions he should be aware of, or was his father where he got his height?

[00:20:07] Kyle: She really is. I think there's just these this deep pain. And so she was always kind of looking for You know something some kind of slight or something bad to happen And so I was very careful to not upset her. So that's part of why I had trouble getting any information You know about my grandfather or my birth father is she would actually just get very upset and kind of shut down And And, also if I, if I, if she even thought I was kind of upset, like irritated, she would really get upset.

[00:21:10] Kyle: And she couldn't be. She didn't raise me, and it was a very tough thing for her, and, and I think it was just the trauma, you know, I, it's easy to get wrapped up in my own trauma, but, you know, that can't be easy, giving up a, a baby, especially when you don't want to. Whether you're mature enough or not doesn't really matter.

[00:21:29] Damon: It got so hard that sometimes his birth mother would just get really angry and hang up on Kyle. He said he would always call back and try to talk her down. She was also pressuring Kyle's son into religion and while he didn't mind his son being exposed to new things, it was her pressure tactics that Kyle wanted to protect his son against.

[00:22:00] Kyle: I had to decide, you know, cause I have a, uh, another family. I've got my children and my wife. How much I can take, you know, how much, uh, what kind of chaos I want in my life.

[00:22:30] Damon: Kyle was open to making amends with his birth mother, but he decided this time he would let her call him back.

[00:22:59] Damon: Kyle told [00:23:00] me that whenever the phone rings from an unknown number, he wonders if it's her so he answers. He's thought about sending a letter to her to let her know he's okay, to see if their relationship could be better through mail correspondence, but he hasn't done that yet. Their last phone call was ten years ago.

[00:23:26] Kyle: There's one thing I'll say forever, she's a very, Kind, good person. I mean, she really is, and it's just, I think, just that one part of her life is just hard for her, and yeah, I'm hoping that someday we can maybe find some type of relationship that isn't estranged, and where she feels comfortable and good, and I do too, because I don't You know, when I think about it, I don't want to have her pass away and never resolve this.

[00:24:00] Kyle: Um, because, you know, even though I don't want to be the person who always like comes back and like, you know, you hung up on me, but here I am, you know, I'm a carpet walk on me some more, but at the same time, I don't, I don't want to regret anything. And maybe it's not in her. Maybe, you know, I think, I mean, I feel like I'm damaged in some ways and maybe she's just too damaged in that way.

[00:24:33] Damon: That's possible too. Except that maybe

[00:24:35] Damon: Yeah.

[00:24:48] Kyle: I don't know, but I'm not the same person I was, so.

[00:25:16] Damon: And, you know, you found each other. She clearly wanted to get to know you, or at least reach out and find out if you were okay, by virtue of the letter she sent. Yeah, I think it's okay that you still want to reach out and at least crack the door. Don't leave it slammed shut, but you know, just kind of open it up and let somebody know, this is unlocked, it's open for you, you can come through if you want.

[00:26:02] Damon: Uh, but I, it may be really, really tough for her too, and so I guess all I'm saying is, I think it's smart for you to reach out, open the door again, and then, you know, see if she wants to open it from her side, and if she does, cool. If not, you can at least rest your case. Assured that you've done all that you could do to invite her back in and you can continue to do that Nobody says it has to be a one time thing every three months.

[00:26:40] Kyle: Exactly. Yeah, I don't want any regrets.

[00:26:45] Kyle: And it might be she's not capable of reaching out.

[00:26:59] Damon: I think that's part of [00:27:00] the problem we had,

[00:27:01] Damon: Yeah, if you've said that the pattern between you was, we would talk, she'd get upset, she'd hang up, and I would call back. And now, basically, the pattern has ended.

[00:27:32] Damon: So of course, I was really curious about whether he found any information about his biological father. He said he searched for at least 10 years before the era of DNA testing. Then, more recently, he found a third cousin on a DNA platform who told Kyle that his biological father, whose name he had been misspelling, thereby crippling his search, was the guy's great uncle.

[00:28:31] Kyle: So, yeah, that was kind of the same. It was like meeting my birth mother because meeting my sisters was just, I felt like I'd always known them. I was able to meet two of them. Wow. And wow was just, it was pretty, uh, pretty emotional and pretty great.

[00:28:58] Damon: Kyle said it's [00:29:00] weird to go from only one sister and no nieces or nephews. To being a great uncle to tons of nieces and nephews and having six siblings. In his words, it's crazy in a good way. Also interesting, Kyle figured out more clearly what his Native American heritage really is. He's actually Yakama.

[00:29:48] Kyle: So I found that and I found a picture of my great great grandmother and, uh, that was Even more emotional [00:30:00] because she has the exact same eyes I have so seeing a picture of her like the actual person And seeing my eyes was just like where I got my eyes from Generations ago that was a really amazing so

[00:30:25] Kyle: you know I I think the only, the only thing that was kind of hard during this was going through this journey as I found I had a lot of extra hurt and anger in me that I've kind of held in for years and years and years, and it wasn't as much, um, for my birth mother or anybody, it was more just the, the idea of not being able to know the truth, you know, having to, to try so hard to find out where you're from, but.

[00:31:31] Kyle: I mean, I invested 10 years just trying to find a birth father who's not around anymore. And it's worth it. I found these siblings, but at the same time, it's kind of crushing. You know, I, I have friends who they wake up and they know who their parents are and they can just You know, call them or drive over and see them, and they know all their cousins and aunts and uncles and everything, and I'm still trying to figure a lot of that out.

[00:32:37] Kyle: I feel like a whole person. I, I know everything I need to know, and You know, I'm good with it. I'm, I, I think information is power, and when it comes to being adopted, the more you know, the more you can kind of feel that, that wound you have, and so, and that's another reason why I want to talk to [00:33:00] my birth mother again, is I, I don't.

[00:33:09] Damon: My final question to Kyle was, how his adopted mother handled his reunion with his birth mother?

[00:33:31] Kyle: You're, you're my mom. And that's not going to change. And I think after, I think it took her a couple of years to really feel comfortable and know that I'm, you know, I'm still, Visiting her. She's still my mom. Nothing's changed. I think she was, she was pretty good about it. Cause even when I felt that she was uncomfortable, she never said anything.

[00:34:08] Damon: Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. And, but I mean, you know, you had your share, you, you went through.

[00:34:39] Damon: I mean, you've definitely had your ups and downs. It sounds like it's been really challenging. But I'm, I was really glad to hear you say, I've reached a place of, of feeling whole. That the information is power and now I have the information. Um, that's an incredible spot to be in. And, and not everybody gets to that point.

[00:34:58] Kyle: Yeah, I, I, I [00:35:00] definitely feel lucky.

[00:35:16] Damon: That's really fascinating.

[00:35:21] Damon: That's cool. Cool man. Thank you again for taking time to call, man. I appreciate it. All the best to you.

[00:35:28] Damon: See you Kyle.

[00:35:34] Damon: Hey, it's me. Kyle says he's gotten through the tough part of his magical journey. With some nightmarish parts mixed in, but he feels the journey marches on. You could probably hear the excitement in our voices as we talked about Kyle's access to genealogical records about his family. There's something about delving into recorded genealogy that's just incredible for an adoptee.

[00:36:20] Damon: I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you'll find something in Kyle's journey that inspires you, validates your feelings about wanting to search. Or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, Who am I, really?

[00:37:06] Kyle: One was the time I saw your eyes

[00:37:21] Kyle: Felt our bond was still alive.

[00:38:04] Kyle: Six was the number I embraced. Seven was the

[00:40:08] Damon: If you would like to share your adoption journey and your attempt to connect with your biological family, please visit whoamireallypodcast. com slash share. You can choose to share your whole story, maintain some privacy about parts of your journey, Transcripts provided by Transcription Outsourcing, LLC.