Today, we're tackling a topic every parent faces: embracing honest communication. I'm here to encourage you to be candid about why you can't attend events and avoid using your kids as scapegoats. We've all been guilty of saying our kids are tired or unwell when they might be perfectly fine. Let's strike a balance between personal needs and our children's by openly discussing our goals with them.

We also explore parental responsibility and self-accountability. It's crucial to take ownership of our actions and not blame our children for unproductive moments. Instead, let's be honest about our excuses and establish new habits to support long-term success. Managing time and expectations with kids can be challenging but necessary for personal growth. We'll discuss setting aside dedicated time for our children while avoiding self-blame when pursuing our dreams.

What you'll hear in this episode:

[0:00] Using kids as excuses vs. honesty in communication.

[2:10] Prioritizing personal needs with children.

[3:50] Parental responsibility and self-accountability.

[7:30] Managing time and expectations with children.

[8:35] Self-blame and taking control.

CONNECT WITH KELSEY

Follow Kelsey: @thisiskelseysmith

Follow Momma Has Goals: @mommahasgoals

Download the app for Apple or Android

Learn more at https://mommahasgoals.com/

Join our text list. Text "Goals" to (707) 347-0319

0:00

something I've been thinking a lot about lately is using your kids as an excuse. Now, as we go into the holiday season, I feel like I see this even more than throughout the year regularly. And I want to be clear, there are certain times that I think it is totally okay to use your kids as an excuse. If you don't want to go somewhere, or you're having a hard time communicating a want or a boundary, and you want to use your kids as an excuse. There are times that I think that's okay, you can just say, oh, you know what, the kids are tired, or oh, you know what, this isn't gonna work with our schedule. I think honesty truly is the best policy. And I want to encourage you and invite you to find a way to communicate your reasoning, your boundary, your desire better. But there are certain situations where I personally think it's okay to use some of that language, where I don't think that's okay. And where I want to talk about today and challenge you is when you're using your kids as an excuse for why you can't do something, because either you don't want to, or you're not pushing yourself enough, you're not stepping into whatever you need to step into. And when it's at detriment for what's actually true for your kids. I want to give you a couple examples. Let's say there is a event that you've been invited to and you don't want to go. And you say, Hey, I can't go because of XYZ. And this includes something that involves your kids, that isn't really true. Like maybe the kids are tired, or maybe they're not feeling well, or maybe it's busy. But you're really utilizing that as an excuse, rather than it being the truth. Now, if you're putting your kids down, if you're saying so and so's being difficult, and that's not true, don't do that, because then you're putting your kids down. But if you're saying, hey, it's been really busy lately, we're just looking for some family time, that's not putting your kids down. And you can use that as an excuse. In my opinion, I think that's a little bit different. But where I want you to be really true and honest with yourself is if you're stopping yourself from doing something, because you think of how it'll impact your kids. Or you're saying I can't do that, because of this with them. For one, if they're old enough, have you even asked them? Let's say that you want to do something that's going to take you away from your kids an hour a week. And they're old enough that you can talk to them. And you can say, hey, I'm looking at doing this with my friends or for my business or for myself and our week, here's what that's gonna mean for you. What do you think about it? How do you feel, see what they say there? Chances are, they're not going to care. And here's what I also want to make sure that you do explain to them what the impact really is. So maybe it means which means mom isn't going to be here for dinner that night. Or which means you're going to be with so and so for an hour a week while I go and do this. They may not understand that. So help them understand. But explain what that means. And then also explain the positive end while you're doing that, and you're with so and so or Mom's not here for dinner, or whatever it is. Here's what I'm going to be doing and why. And I think so often I see women and we can do this. So subconsciously, where we decide that we can't do something because of our kids or our family. We haven't even asked them. And we haven't really broken down what that means for the pros and the cons. Have you actually taken a moment and said, If I do this, here's what that really means. Here's what this means for us positively. Here's what that means for us, potentially negatively or just a shift or a change? Because so often I see women just say, Oh, no, I can't. And I say that's if you really can't that's okay. If you don't want to that's okay. But why? If you really think that you can't, is it because you're placing that on yourself? Or can you really not? And if you can't, then why. And if it's important to you to figure out how to alongside of that, then that's where the problem solving comes in. And that's where we need to start coming up with solutions. Because if you can't take action on something you want to take action on ever. That's a problem. That's something that needs to be fixed. If it's because this season is super busy. Is it because you need someone to help support you because there needs to be something else in order for you to do that. Now we can solve problems and we can find solutions, right? But I hear all the time, women blaming their kids for what they aren't taking action on. So let's say this week, you were unproductive? It happens to the best of us. All right. I have many unproductive weeks and days. But this week, you were unproductive, there were moments that you could have been folding laundry But you weren't, there were moments that you could have been reading or walking, moving your body connecting with your kids being more organized, but you weren't. And it's nothing to feel shame over. But you have to be honest with yourself. And definitely don't blame your kids if it wasn't their fault. And honestly, even if it was their fault, it's our responsibility as parents, whether we like it or not, to figure out how to navigate that, it doesn't mean that it's not hard, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't catch a break every now and then it doesn't mean that I'm not here to hold your hand and help you through it. But also, the fact of the matter is, that's our responsibility as a parent to either ask for the help we need, find the help we need or figure out how to execute it and do it right. And so that might sound a little harsh or spicy. But I don't want you to keep making excuses for why you're not doing what you want to do. Because what may feel like one really small step, and what you're able to do right now, in the big scheme of things is actually really important. So if you needed to read 10 pages this week in a book that was going to support you for your long term success, why couldn't you read those 10 pages? Was it you? Or was it really your kids? And if it was your kids, did you communicate with them? Did you set some expectations and boundaries. There's not really an age that's too young to set up some expectations or boundaries. Obviously, if they can't understand you, it's going to be different if they're not communicating with words yet, but you can still schedule the day or organize activities in a way that helps support you. Again, it doesn't mean it's always going to be easy. It doesn't mean it's going to be perfect every time. But I want you to be really real and honest with yourself, especially in this season. Of Am I being honest? And am I doing the best that I can right now. It doesn't have to be perfect. But if you catch yourself saying I can't do that, because I want you to take a step back and say, okay, is that real? Or am I saying that? Is it real that I need to make sure that I'm doing this extra tension with my child right now? Because they really need my support in that way? Or are there some ways that I can maybe set some new habits? Are there ways that I can communicate and do things differently? If your kid needs you to sit next to them? Can you be reading while you're next to them? If they want you to play in the room with them? Is it really because they want you to play with them? Or is it because they want you to be in the room with them. And have you set aside 15 minutes somewhere else to actively play with them. So that when you're looking for your other time, they know they already got that time, or it's coming at another time. There is nothing wrong with being busy and having expectations with your kids and them wanting your attention. But we all have the same amount of time in a day. Now we all have different variables. We all have different commitments, we all have different choices. But you have to own whatever those are. And figure out how your goals and your achievements and the things that you are aspiring and dreaming to do fit inside of that. And if you are blaming someone or something, whether it's your kids or your job, your partner, your circumstances, your income, whatever it is that you're blaming, have you set up a plan for success around that? Have you communicated with anyone to support you? And when do you look in the mirror and understand where you can take control? Sometimes you're going to feel out of control. Sometimes you're going to feel like you have no option. And sometimes you really might not. Sometimes there really might not be something you can do in that moment. And that's where it comes. Okay, what can I do next? What can I do next time? Or how can I follow up with this? What can I set myself up for success in the future with?

9:04

So don't blame your kids, don't blame anything else? Ask your kids involve your kids take a step back and say how can I set me and my family up for success in order to achieve what I want to do? And how am I going to hold myself accountable? And how am I going to commit myself to doing these things? Because I probably have more control than I'm giving myself credit for. And again, if you decide it's not worth it, you don't want to do it. You don't want to hold yourself accountable. You don't want to make that commitment or do that thing. That's okay. You don't have to. But don't say it's because of something else because you're only doing yourself a disservice when you start lying to yourself and giving yourself different reasonings of why you can't do something. It's okay if you decide you don't want to. You don't have to accomplish anything you don't want to but if you do want to be really clear with yourself, be really honest and move forward. That might be a little spicy. Like I said, but I want to give you real love. Because sometimes we need to be a little harder on ourselves. Sometimes we need a day to just sit and cry and hug and be unproductive. And I'm here for that too. But then we want to move forward, we want to get back up. So take one step at a time. When you get off of this episode today, I want you to sit down and think about the things you've been making excuses for. Have you been blaming yourself? Anyone anything for why you're not moving forward? That's okay, but get it out onto paper. Use the journaling portion of our app to use it digitally or grab a piece of paper and write it out. Who are you blaming? What excuses and expectations have you not communicated? What do you need to do differently now? And what is one thing, one step you can take between now and this time next week to make a change? That might be saying something to someone that might be taking a shower, that might be going for a walk or reading a book, taking one small step? What is the one small step you can take in one week to work through some of the excuses or lack of commitment, lack of moving forward, that's currently going on? I am sending you so much love mama. This comes from love. Because if we don't get out of these moments where we are holding ourselves back, we can't move forward. And whatever forward looks like for you, we want to get there. So one step at a time moving through those moments where we're a little bit down a little bit less productive. And we have all these other balls that we're juggling because that's real, but let's find a way to hold those and move forward. Sending you love mom and talk to you next week. Keep going after those goals. Mom in your life that you see and love her by sharing this episode. Giving while your cup is overflowing always pays itself back tenfold when you need it most.