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Episode #158 - Becoming Compassionate At Different Stages Of Life: An Interview With Edla Prevette
Episode 16310th October 2024 • Speaking From The Heart • Joshua D. Smith
00:00:00 00:45:39

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As we get older, we physically and mentally change. There are numerous resources available for new parents as they start to understand the joys (both literally and figuratively) of their newborn, which includes their behaviors. Unfortunately, the prevalence or understanding of aging parents/grandparents/other close relatives and friends is not widely as available, causing misunderstandings of what it means to effectively communicate and engage with them in a healthy manner. Today's guest and owner of the One-Eighty technique, Edla Prevette, discusses her journey of being a mental health counselor and passionately helping her clients to understand the importance of reframing and engaging with these types of conversations and directions in a different way, and filling the gap in this realm that exists. Through today's interview, learn how to become more engaging and constructive, instead of resistant to this phase we all go through, in a more meaningful, productive way.

Guest Bio

Edla is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC). For more than 30 years, she has counseled children and adults of all ages, and trained and consulted with parents, teachers and community volunteers. Currently, Edla is working with adults sandwiched between their lives and their aging parents. She offers a group program called One-Eighty: When the Parental Roles Reverse and 1:1 coaching to support adults through this challenging time. Edla lives in North Carolina with her husband and her cat. She enjoys spending time with her family, traveling, reading, and riding her bike.

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/eprevette/

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Website: https://edlaprevette.com

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Transcripts

Intro:

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 158 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today we have Edla Prevette, and Edla is a

licensed clinical mental health counselor.

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For more than 30 years, she has counseled

children and adults of all ages and

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trained and consulted with parents,

teachers, and community volunteers.

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Currently, Edla is working with

adults sandwiched between their

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lives and their aging parents.

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She offers a group program called One

Eighty: When The Parental Roles Reverse,

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and one on one coaching to support

adults through this challenging time.

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Edla lives in North Carolina with

her husband and her cat, and she

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enjoys spending time with her family,

traveling, reading, and riding her bike.

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I have to say that this type of

topic, which we really dive into

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today, a lot of what is important for

planning for the future especially

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as we know that we're on a clock that

will eventually count down to zero.

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We have to make the use of the

life that we have on this earth.

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It should mean, though, that we should

stop and think about ways in which we

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can prepare for that future, whether

it's with the financial piece of it,

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the elder care, the wills, regardless

of what it is, obviously we're

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going to have a cognitive decline.

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I love that we really dive into the

fact that this is about not just aging,

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but why it's so important for us to be

more respectable to the people that we

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have surrounding us, even when we have

that kind of time left on this earth.

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We shouldn't be estranged, and we

shouldn't be thrown aside with the

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education that we can learn about

preparing for the things that will happen

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to us, and those that surround us, but

the way that we can respond so that we're

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heard and understood, especially as we

get older, is something that will build

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cooperation, especially if we put the bias

behind us of what it means to be an adult.

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I think that you're going to find that

this enlightening conversation with

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Edla really helps us to not only work

on ourselves, but it also helps us to

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understand that planning is okay, that

things that will happen in our lives

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are ultimately supposed to happen, but

if we can take care of ourselves, and

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have a plan for the future, not only

will it help us, but it will help those

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around us to be ready for anything.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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All right, we're here with Edla Prevette.

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Edla, thanks for sharing

your heart with us today.

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Edla: Thanks, Josh.

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I'm so happy to be here.

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Joshua: Yeah.

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I am so happy that we have you here,

because as I was even mentioning to

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you before we started, this is a really

important subject for me that we're going

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to cover today, and what you do as your

line of work is not only important for

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me, but I think for many of our listeners

as well, so Edla, I've already let

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people know about who you are and your

background, but I want to actually dig

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into, before we get into the specifics,

I want to know what got you into being

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a mental health counselor to begin

with, and doing that for three decades.

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I think that's pretty impressive

to be able to do that kind of work,

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and I wonder if you could start off

with sharing a little bit of your

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background when it comes to that.

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Edla: Sure.

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I actually started as a

middle school science teacher.

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I was a classroom teacher for a while,

and I think what got me into the mental

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health field was I was more concerned

about my middle school students' social

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and emotional well being, than I was about

them passing the state science exam, so I

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went back to school and got my degree, and

became a school counselor, so I worked as

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a school counselor for a number of years,

and then I got another job where I was

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doing some consulting work with parents

and teachers of children through the birth

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through kindergarten population, so I did

a lot of trainings and workshops around

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mental health issues and young children.

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Then I became a parent counselor for

helping parents whose children were

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struggling, and then before I left

the school system, I had started a

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private practice, where primarily,

I was seeing children, and then that

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evolved into seeing adults, which then

evolved into some of the work that

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I'm doing now with adult children of

aging parents, so that's the quick

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version of how that journey came along.

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Joshua: Does anything relating to your

parents relate to why you work with

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aging parents that your clients have, and

dealing with the sort of different types

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of issues or situations that they face?

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Do you have any background

as to relating to that?

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Edla: Yes.

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In fact, if I think about my entire

history as an adult, I would say

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that my parents have a lot of impact.

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My mother was a middle

school science teacher.

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I was a middle school science teacher.

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I was in therapy for a long time in my

30s around issues with my parents, and

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so then I sort of paid that forward by

helping my own private practice clients

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that struggle with some of the issues

that they had from their early years.

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Then, I was my parents caretaker for

over 10 years, so, then my clients, as

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they started getting older, their parents

were getting older, so I started working

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with them around all the things that I

had learned, not just professionally,

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but personally as a caretaker for

aging parents, or aging adults, it

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doesn't have to be their parent, but

that's primarily what I work with.

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Joshua: With being a counselor, I'm sure

you see a lot of different situations

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when it comes to that circumstance.

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Is there a common thread that you've seen,

especially since you have been a caretaker

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yourself for 10 years of your own life

with your parents, that your clients

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come to you and ask you for advice?

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Is there a particular type

of situation that you face?

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Edla: Yes.

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I think the common thread is that people

get on the Internet and they can find

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information about financial things: wills,

home placement, elder care options, but

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they can't find a lot about dealing with

the changes in their parents, so I would

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say hands down, the conversation is always

about, "My parents won't listen to me.

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My parents aren't making safe choices.

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My parents are acting like toddlers.

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My parents are acting like teenagers.",

some version of one of those things is

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every single person that comes to see

me, and that's not as much of a type

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of thing you can do a Google search on,

and get your answers to deal with; your

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parents as they're changing and aging.

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Joshua: That is interesting too,

because I hear that from some of my

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fellow friends and family that are

associated, or have connected, with

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those types of situations that you

described, because I hear about, "Oh!

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They are regressing

back to being a child."

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"Oh!

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They are regressing about being a

teenager, and also remembering things

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from back then that aren't even

applicable to today.", so are you

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really in essence talking about memory

loss that's a common denominator, or

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is it something much more than that?

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Edla: It's much more than that.

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I mean, there is cognitive decline and

aging, but it's not always dementia

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related, right, because that's one

of the things that I talk a lot about

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in all the work that I do is I teach

people about the stages of aging.

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What are the developmental

stages of aging?

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What is typical?

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People read about that if they have

children; what's typical for a 2 year old

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or a 4 year old, but they don't read about

that with their 80 year old parent, right,

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and so I think if I spend time talking a

lot about just the developmental stages

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so that you can discern is this a physical

thing where there may be something

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dementia related, or is this more a

characteristic of the aging process,

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because there is a cognitive decline, and

it's not just cognitive changes, but you

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have to look at sensory changes, speech

and language changes, like word recall

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becomes more challenging as people age.

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There's just lots of different things

that you see as their child is a change

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in their behavior where it might be

just part of the natural aging process,

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and once you know that that's sort

of quote unquote normal, and I think

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it's a little easier to be empathic

and understanding with your parent.

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Joshua: Well, you said that

there are stages that most times

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people going through with that.

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I'm wondering if you can walk

through with that with our

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listeners what those stages are.

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Edla: Well, it's not really stages

in that it's like adolescence

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or preteens, adolescence.

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It's not really the same as

that, but there are some trends.

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There's something that I read one

time, and I sort of like this.

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It's called the three stages are the go

go, the slow go and the no go, right, so-

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Joshua: That is the most unique

stages I have ever heard with

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anybody I've interviewed on this

show, so you get the cake with that.

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Edla: Well I can't, I got it from somebody

else and I thought, "Oh wow.", so it

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talks about- and this is talking sort

of about retirement and, a financial

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advisor probably heard of it, but when

people are 65, or let's just say, I

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don't use numbers very much, but just

for sake of this discussion, like at

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65, they're often in the go go stage.

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Their kids are launched.

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They've retired.

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They've got a little extra money in

their back pocket, so they're traveling.

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They're doing this, that, and the

other, and then there's the slow go

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phase, when they're just slowing down.

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They can still participate, but they

just don't have the same energy level,

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or the same cognitive level that they

did earlier, and then there's the no

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go stage, and that's pretty much when

they're not much out of the house.

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They might go to their church or

their kid's house, but they've really

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circled the wagons, and I'm speaking

in generalities, cause it's just like

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with anything, and I said I don't use

numbers very often, because you can

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line up, I don't know, ten 80 year olds,

and they look completely different.

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They manifest their age completely

different, so it's not an exact science,

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but that would be sort of the things

you would want to look at, but for me,

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it's not so much what they're doing.

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It's how they're aging, right, so I look

at- well, let's use something that's

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kind of obvious for your listeners.

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If someone has hearing loss as part of

the aging process, or either a disease or

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something, but if they have hearing loss,

that's going to impact their behavior.

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It makes it more difficult

to be in a social setting.

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It makes it more difficult

to follow a conversation.

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Depending on their temperament, they

may just get really quiet and withdraw,

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or, they might get irritable, and

yell at people, because, "I can't hear

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what you're saying.", so there's all

these levels of things that you have

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to consider, not just of the ages of

staging, but then you have to consider

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their temperament as well so that as

their adult child, or the person dealing

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with them, you have to have some skills

to adjust so that you're dealing with

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the different temperaments, but then the

different stages of aging simultaneously.

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Joshua: I can give you an example.

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Maybe we can talk about for a little bit,

because I think that it's interesting

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to hear you say there's different

skills that we have to learn, so I'll

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give you an example of my parents, and

sorry, parents, I'm going to put you

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on the spot, but I love you both, but

my dad can be very stubborn, and my

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dad has been very stubborn for all his

life to the point that nothing's really

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going to change essentially when it

comes to making progress, maybe even

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changing his behavior, while my mom,

on the other hand, she definitely has

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a lot of her faculties, although I

think that she's one of the "slow gos"

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now because of just some of the things

that she's experiencing in her life.

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Being that I'm a child, along with my half

sister who I have a relationship with too,

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what would you say to my half sister and

I relating to what kind of skills might

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be necessary, and if you need to ask more

information, I'd be more than happy to

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have that conversation with you, too.

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Edla: I feel sorry for your parents, Josh.

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Sorry, Josh.

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Joshua: Don't feel sorry.

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They love me and they love that

I'm doing this, so it's all good.

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Edla: Well, I don't think I

have any more questions, because

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literally, then we'd get into a

whole coaching session, but I think-

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Joshua: Ooo.

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Edla: That's another day, right, so-

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Joshua: That is another day.

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Edla: But I will say that the things

that you described about your mom and

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your dad, I have other clients that have

similar things, so when you have a parent

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that's, you use the word stubborn, I

would say the first thing that you want

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to do as their caretaker, or as their

child, is to try to flip the way that

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you describe it so that something more

positive than negative, so instead of

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saying stubborn, you might say something,

"He's determined.", "He's passionate.",

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"He's opinionated.", right, and I think

that has a real different feel on the

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way that the adult child would respond to

that person, because when you say, "He's

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so dead on stubborn!", that just is kind

of got an angry undertone or frustrated

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undertone, but if it's more like, " He's

opinionated, and he's got ideas about how

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he thinks things should go.", then it has

a little different feel to it, so I think

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flipping the negative labels that you give

to your aging parents would be helpful.

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The other thing is that these are adults.

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They have been independent all their

lives, and so their little whippersnapper

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son to come in and tell them what to do or

not to do- yeah, no, that's not going to

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happen, so then you have to approach it in

a way that they would be more cooperative.

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I'll use an example with my dad.

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He was set in his ways, let's just say,

and he had a way of doing things, and

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he was much older than probably your

father is now, but he stopped taking

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a bath, and if you read about ages of

development, that's a really common thing.

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They'll stop bathing,

and I didn't know this.

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I know a lot about it now,

but dad needed to take a bath.

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He'd been working outside, so what

I did was I put it back on him.

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"I wonder if you need to bathe since

you've been in the garden."; you

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know, just trying to put it back on

him, and then I gave him choices.

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Well, what actually happened, Josh,

is that I went up to their bathroom,

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and I looked in their bathroom

from a different point of view.

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My father did not feel safe taking

a shower anymore, but he was too

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proud to say, "I don't feel safe."

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we had rugs on the floor that would slip.

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We didn't have any bars.

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He had to step over into the tub.

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He had to take his glasses off, and

then that's where we're talking about

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the sensory pieces, so then it messed

with his depth perception, but he's

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not going to come down and say, "Edla!

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I'm scared to go take a bath.", so

then I approached him differently,

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right, instead of thinking he was

being so obstinate and stubborn.

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What were you saying about your mom?

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She's kind of entered

this "slow go" phase?

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Joshua: Yeah, she has all of her

faculties, and is able to have a good

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conversation, and be able to understand

everything, and what she needs to do,

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and also, takes care of herself, so yeah.

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Edla: Yeah, it just sort

of naturally happens.

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If you've been doing something for 30, 40,

50 years, you're just tired of doing it.

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You're more comfortable just being at

your house, or going to your local senior

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center, or just going to your grocery

store, and coming home, and just enjoying

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that, but I don't know that our society

really embraces that as a okay thing.

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If you're not go, go, going all the time,

then you're not being effective, but I

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think some of that just happens naturally.

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I can even say for myself, I'm a very

social person, but I can tell already

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that I don't have the big parties.

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I'm not going out.

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I'm not doing the same level of

social things that I did when I was

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in my twenties and thirties, right,

so I would say that's just a natural

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progression and that it's okay.

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Joshua: Well, you bring up something

that I sometimes hear about in the

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news, and I know that the news isn't

completely telling the whole story either.

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Surprise, surprise, but I also have heard

about the fact that many parents that need

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to be taken care of by their children,

so they become like caregivers, have

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almost a sense of resentment, or feel

like they being held back, if you will,

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because they aren't being able to do what

they really want to do in their lives.

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They're going home and taking care of

their parents instead, so have you worked

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with people like that, and if so, what

is maybe one piece of advice that you

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might be able to give to somebody that

might change that script, because I don't

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know if it's as simple as saying, "Be

positive.", as we talk about earlier.

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That could work in some

situations, but not all.

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Edla: And that's what I was going

to say that one piece of advice.

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Wow.

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It's so situational.

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One of my clients said to me one time,

and I don't remember exactly the exact

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way that she said it, but she didn't

want me to talk about her loved one.

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She doesn't feel like

they were her loved one.

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She had a terrible relationship with her

parents, and so her story, and the work

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that we had to do, was really different

than for a different client who loves and

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cares and wants to take care of this other

person I'm talking about was her mother.

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Her mother moved in with them, and

she didn't have any regret, or any

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resentment at all, so part of that

depends on the adult child's temperament.

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What are you set up for?

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Now, I'm not going to be naive and

say that this is not a one size fits

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all, because everybody's financial

circumstances are different.

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Their work circumstances are different,

so this is when it gets real nuanced, but

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I did not want my parents living with me.

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I have my own history with them, and I

was okay to be their care manager, but

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I wasn't interested in their hygiene.

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I didn't want to clean them, or bathe

them, or feed them, right, so I think

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the one piece of advice, maybe that I

would give to an adult child is to look

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inward and think, "What am I capable of?

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What am I willing to do, and what am I

not willing to do?", and then you work

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outward from there with a coach, or just

yourself, or your therapist, or whoever

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is helping you, because you're right.

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I mean, some people really resent it.

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I have two siblings, and they were

of minimal help, but I did most of it.

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Joshua: I know my half sister's probably

yelling at me right now, saying, "Yeah, I

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also do all the things, Josh, so when are

you going to step in and do something?"

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Edla: That's exactly right!

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Joshua: I will go on record saying yes.

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I know, and I will do better.

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We actually have had candid conversations,

because distance is actually a big

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factor, and my half sister lives a lot

closer than I do right now, currently,

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so that makes a big difference.

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Edla: It does, and that

was part of my story.

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I lived very close to my parents, so

it was easier for me to help them than

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it was for my siblings, and my career

was a little more flexible, but I think

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you make a good point talking about

your sister is that sibling stuff.

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There is a lot of challenges.

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There's some siblings that just do great,

and then there's some siblings that they

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fight the whole way through the process,

and there's really some that become

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estranged through this process, and that's

part of my reason of wanting to do this.

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I can make this easier for another

family just with education and insight.

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I mean, gosh!

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I feel like I have to do it, right,

to make it easier for someone else.

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Joshua: I think that's why it's

so important in any circumstance.

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That's why I do coaching myself, Edla,

because I feel that being able to see

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that other side, be able to provide

that perspective for somebody, is all

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that sometimes people need to be able

to move forward, but I also say too,

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and I'm sure you say the same thing.

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"I'm not going to do it for you.

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You're going to have to take these

tools, and do them for yourself.

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I can be here to be a level of support,

but not to be doing all that work,

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because if I started doing that, that

means that I'm in for training your

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family, and I don't want to do that."

317

:

I have that problem.

318

:

Edla: Right.

319

:

Yeah.

320

:

I get it.

321

:

Joshua: I want to talk about your coaching

business then as a result, because the

322

:

program, essentially, is 180, and it's

literally the number 180, because we

323

:

are flipping that perspective now where

it used to be the parent taking care of

324

:

us, but now we, the children, sometimes

maybe not have any children, but we

325

:

have somebody else that acts in that

role, we'll be providing that support

326

:

for a parent, or somebody else, so what

would you say is a typical client for

327

:

you that comes in and wants your help?

328

:

Meaning, do they look for more support

from you on an individual level?

329

:

I noticed that you do more group coaching

too, so I'm wondering how that operates

330

:

in that sort of atmosphere if you're

getting some of the family together and

331

:

to help with a group of individuals,

so I'm wondering if you could talk

332

:

a little bit about how that works.

333

:

Edla: Sure, so the group of

individuals are not family members.

334

:

That would be like, let's say 10

people that are adult children of aging

335

:

parents that are sandwiched, and so we

come together and there's an education

336

:

component that I teach, and then

there's like a Q&A, and it runs more

337

:

like group therapy, but it's coaching,

because we're not digging in to the

338

:

past, right, and it's more affordable

for people than one on one coaching.

339

:

Some people like that community of other

people that they get to know, so the

340

:

coaching though, for me as a licensed

therapist, I have to be really careful

341

:

that I keep my license- my therapy

business separate from my coaching

342

:

business, so in therapy, it's often how

the past, just a quick answer, how the

343

:

past is impacting your present, impacts

your future, right, so you're doing

344

:

a lot of historical stuff, looking at

your childhood and that sort of thing.

345

:

When people come in for coaching, we're

starting right now, and looking forward,

346

:

if that makes sense, so think of it

maybe more like psychoeducational, right?

347

:

Some of my therapy clients that I'm doing

work with them from their past they do

348

:

talk about their parents, because they're

mad at their parents, but they're having

349

:

to care for their parents, so they're

in a separate lane, but for my true

350

:

coaching clients, they're seeing changes

in their parents and they're like, "Oh!

351

:

I don't know what to do.", so they come

in, and I get all of the history about

352

:

their parents, what's going on, what's not

going on, what the relationship's like,

353

:

et cetera, et cetera, and then we set some

goals, and then I help them and advise

354

:

them, based on what you've told me about

your parent, this isn't going to work.

355

:

This might work in terms of

talking to them, or getting

356

:

them to be more cooperative.

357

:

I'm not a consultant.

358

:

There are senior advisor consultants

that will help people find services,

359

:

like living services, or Meals On

Wheels, those kinds of services.

360

:

I don't do that.

361

:

This is more the interpersonal, and the

personal interaction and relationship,

362

:

and how to navigate that so that when

your parents life comes to an end, you

363

:

feel a sense of gratitude, and that

you were able to be there to care for

364

:

them, because I can't tell you how many

times people have come in with grief

365

:

work, and they feel guilty because they

were relieved that their parents died,

366

:

because it had been so challenging the

last bit that they felt this sense.

367

:

They were like, "Thank God they're

dead.", and then they just feel so guilty

368

:

about it, so if you can work on your

relationship as it changes, and it has

369

:

to, like, flip, as you say, then that

process just goes easier and it's more

370

:

respectful and it's more connected,

and I think it's really helpful.

371

:

Joshua: When you are connecting people

to maybe have a better time dealing

372

:

with relationships, and building that

ability because of the changes that

373

:

are happening, what is a piece of

advice that you would give to somebody

374

:

that might be struggling with coping

with that different change in role?

375

:

Is there something universal that

maybe you can share, regardless of the

376

:

circumstances, with our listeners to

be able to help them cope with that?

377

:

Edla: Now, are you talking

about someone talking to their

378

:

aging parent, or their own self?

379

:

Joshua: Either way, whatever

way you want to take it.

380

:

Edla: Let me start with probably the

thing that I talk about the most, so

381

:

if you are talking to your parents, or

anyone is talking to their parents,

382

:

and you're trying to get them to make

a different decision, or ,to make a

383

:

different choice, or you see them doing

something that you don't think is safe

384

:

and you go in there and you're like, "Mom!

385

:

You need to quit doing ABC.",

whatever; pick a thing, and

386

:

she looks at you like, "Uh, no!

387

:

Don't tell me what to do."

388

:

or, I'll use my mother, for example.

389

:

She was a pretty anxious person and she

would call me all the time, and she was

390

:

a big worrier about things, because she

just had lost so much control, right?

391

:

The thing that works is to respond

to them in such a way that you are

392

:

making them feel heard and understood.

393

:

You don't have to agree with them, but

if they approach you about something, or

394

:

they do something, and you engage them

in such a way that makes them feel heard

395

:

and understood, then you have a better

chance of problem solving with them.

396

:

You have a better chance of them being

cooperative, so when mom would call and

397

:

she'd be like, "I've run out of money.

398

:

I don't have any more

money in my bank account.

399

:

Where's all my money?",

that kind of thing.

400

:

Then I would say, "Wow, mom!

401

:

It sounds like you're really

worried that your money's missing,

402

:

and you're not sure where it is."

403

:

I could have said, "Mom!

404

:

Your money's in the bank.

405

:

You don't need to worry about it.",

but that's not hearing the worry, so

406

:

I would say, and that's not a great

example, but I think you get the idea.

407

:

" It sounds like you're really worried,

and confused, about where your

408

:

money is, and it's making you really

um scared and nervous.", and then

409

:

that would sort of calm her down.

410

:

They're like, "Oh!

411

:

Okay.

412

:

Well, let me call the bank.", or, "I'll

come pick you up and we can go to the

413

:

bank.", or whatever I would tell her,

then she would be more likely to be

414

:

cooperative, so if you go to your parent's

house, this is one that happens a lot.

415

:

People show up to their parent's

house and there's all this expired

416

:

food in the refrigerator, and

the adult child goes in, "Mom!

417

:

This has been in here for two years.

418

:

Why do you still got this in here?",

that will put the parent on the defense,

419

:

right, because it's insulting them.

420

:

They're embarrassed, but if you

start with something like, "Wow, mom.

421

:

Your refrigerator is pretty full.

422

:

I wonder if we should spend the next

little bit of time cleaning it out.",

423

:

or, "When did you get this potato salad?

424

:

Where did you get it?",

and then you go, "Oh gosh!

425

:

I see.

426

:

The expiration was two months ago.

427

:

Maybe we should throw that out."

428

:

You see, they may be more cooperative

than you just going, "Mom!

429

:

Why have you got all this

old potato salad in here?"

430

:

That kind of thing.

431

:

Joshua: That makes so much more sense,

and even in coaching, I feel that

432

:

what you said about being heard, being

understood is even universal to young

433

:

adults, and even people my age, which-

434

:

Edla: Everyone!

435

:

Joshua: You can tell.

436

:

Yeah.

437

:

Yeah.

438

:

Everyone needs to be-

439

:

Edla: Even little kids; little three or

four year olds and their tantrum about

440

:

something, because you won't let them

have ice cream or whatever, you go, "You

441

:

were really sad, and really mad that

I won't let you have any ice cream."

442

:

That doesn't mean you're going

to give them ice cream, but

443

:

you can be empathic with them.

444

:

Same with the coaching client.

445

:

I would absolutely, like for you,

if they're trying to go through

446

:

career changes and you just start

going, "Well, you need to do this and

447

:

this and this and this and this.",

but if you started with, "Wow!

448

:

I can tell you're really overwhelmed

with the options and the choices."

449

:

I mean, people feel heard.

450

:

It's great.

451

:

Joshua: For the record, I don't do that.

452

:

I don't say, "You need to do this, this,

this, and this.", but I have to say

453

:

that, just in case people are listening

first time and they think that, "Oh.

454

:

You're that type of person?"

455

:

Edla: No, no!

456

:

Joshua: Don't be sorry.

457

:

I think it's just really important

to set the record straight that there

458

:

are ways in which you have to go about

it, and I've had this conversation

459

:

with numerous others on the show too.

460

:

Edla: But we don't do it sometimes

with our parents, because sometimes

461

:

we're acting like a child ourself.

462

:

You might go in as a 40 year old,

but you're acting like a 10 year

463

:

old, so you kind of revert back

to some of those interactions that

464

:

you had when you were a child with

your parents, and so you have to.

465

:

I guess a piece of advice that I

would think for us as the individual

466

:

that's talking to our parents is

that we've got to really look deep

467

:

inside and say, "I'm an adult.

468

:

I need to act like an adult.

469

:

What would I say to people at work?

470

:

What would I do with the people that

are in my peer group?", and kind of

471

:

get in that mindset of you've got to

be the adult, which can be hard to

472

:

do when you're engaging your parents.

473

:

Joshua: Edla, we're almost at the end

of our time, but I want to ask you

474

:

this one last question, because this

conversation has been full of information.

475

:

Edla: We'll do part two.

476

:

Joshua: We could.

477

:

Yeah!

478

:

We could easily do a part two,

but I want to wrap it up for today

479

:

and ask you this kind of question.

480

:

You've been doing some sort of counseling,

or coaching, for now, about 30 plus years.

481

:

Edla: Right.

482

:

Joshua: What has been the most rewarding

thing about your career personally,

483

:

and it doesn't have to be a specific

example or anything, you can just talk

484

:

in general about it, but what would you

say is that one thing- and I know I'm

485

:

putting you on the spot- there's one

thing that would summarize your whole

486

:

entire career that would help you,

and maybe help other people understand

487

:

why you love doing what you're doing,

if you could share that with us.

488

:

Edla: You know, I'm a

helping professional.

489

:

Everything that I've done has been helping

other people, and oftentimes I don't know

490

:

what the outcome is, or the impact that

the work that people have done with me

491

:

has had on their life, but I can think

about four or five times where people

492

:

have circled back to me, and have just

said, whatever the interaction was what

493

:

you taught me, or how you engaged me, or

how you helped me with my kids, was so

494

:

helpful, that just propels it forward for

me, and so I continue to do that kind of

495

:

thing, knowing that I put my best foot

forward and I always try to help people

496

:

and I always have their best interest at

heart, and so I would say the majority

497

:

of the time that I'm able to help people

feel better in their circumstances,

498

:

and so that's why I keep doing it.

499

:

Joshua: I love that you keep doing it.

500

:

I love that you're helping in this

very important niche that you're doing.

501

:

It's such an important piece of

it, especially as we have an aging

502

:

population, not just in the United

States, but across the world, and being

503

:

able to understand how to address some

of these concerns today, I think you

504

:

gave some valuable insight, but Edla, I

want to give you the last few minutes.

505

:

How can people reach out to you

if they're actually interested

506

:

in maybe engaging you in coaching

one on one, or a group setting?

507

:

How can they get in contact with you?

508

:

What are some best ways in which

they could even follow you, for that

509

:

matter, if they have any other types

of questions, but I'm going to give you

510

:

the last few minutes to pitch yourself.

511

:

Edla: Okay.

512

:

Thank you.

513

:

I would say the first thing I would

encourage your listeners to do is to

514

:

go to my website, and I have a workbook

called the 180 Bookend Technique.

515

:

It is a downloadable three step

technique that gives examples and

516

:

scripts that you can use immediately

to increase cooperation and

517

:

reduce conflicts for your parents.

518

:

It's all over my website,

which is edlapravette.com.

519

:

The other thing I would say, the

website also has all of my coaching

520

:

and my group programs that I

offer, so that's all inclusive.

521

:

Your listeners can follow me

on Facebook at OneEighty, and

522

:

that's a word, not a number.

523

:

OneEighty with Edla Prevett,

and I'm also on Instagram at

524

:

OneEighty_EdlaPravette, so there you go.

525

:

Joshua: Awesome, Edla.

526

:

Thanks so much for sharing all of that

with us today, and again, if anybody is

527

:

interested in reaching out, I'll put all

that in the episode notes, but this is

528

:

really not just an important subject,

but I think it's just something that an

529

:

overall scheme of things we need to pay

attention to is how we frame things, how

530

:

we say things, especially to even our

aging parents, because they are still

531

:

people, they're still human beings.

532

:

We don't have to treat them as a burden,

or a second class citizen, or whatever.

533

:

We can all treat them equally, so for

all those reasons, Edla, thanks for

534

:

being on Speaking From The Heart today.

535

:

I really appreciate our conversation.

536

:

Edla: Sure.

537

:

Thanks for having me, Josh.

538

:

Take care.

539

:

Joshua: I want to thank Edla again

so much for spending her time talking

540

:

about these variety of different

techniques, all these different types

541

:

of considerations that we should have,

especially when it comes to planning.

542

:

Her level of experience, her care for

others, certainly shows in today's

543

:

episode, and I think that even for us,

we know of somebody that has gone through

544

:

these types of struggles, has really

overcome a lot of different pain points,

545

:

and has thrown us into a variety of

different tailspins when it comes to not

546

:

only health concerns, financial concerns,

estate planning, all the different types

547

:

of decisions that had to be made by an

executor, all those things can really take

548

:

a toll on our mental health especially,

and I think that it all leads to the fact

549

:

that we have a certain level of ability.

550

:

We have to be able to really branch

out and to share those skills

551

:

in a variety of different ways.

552

:

That's what I do for my business, Your

Speaking Voice, LLC, and Edla does it,

553

:

obviously, for the trainings and workshops

that she tries to develop so that she can

554

:

help others create those opportunities,

but even with all that said, each of us

555

:

have a different mindset, a different

framework that we're coming from.

556

:

Not every single situation is unique.

557

:

We might have some of the things that

were talked about today be on the table

558

:

when it comes to planning out that master

plan when it comes to even the people that

559

:

need to have that extra level of support,

but we have to be able to understand that

560

:

there are developmental stages of aging.

561

:

We have to understand and respect the

fact that as people get older, they

562

:

don't have the same level of patience.

563

:

They don't have the same faculties

that they once did when they

564

:

were kids, or even as adults.

565

:

Those types of decisions are at

their epiphany when it comes at

566

:

the time of their lives when they

really have everything established.

567

:

Those are the things that

they are really growing into.

568

:

They have consistently built a pattern,

and cognitively, that's what they feel

569

:

comfortable with, but you have to also

pay attention to the facial expressions,

570

:

the communication styles that they have,

and whether they are being normal or

571

:

not normal, whether they're go go, slow

go, or no go, those are all tall tale

572

:

signs of these types of phenomenons,

and I think that is really important,

573

:

especially with the context of what

I do for a living, public speaking

574

:

coaching primarily, that helps people

to understand how you identify with your

575

:

audience, how do you get to that next

step, but even more importantly, how

576

:

you're able to adjust when you have those

things going on in your life, that you

577

:

have going on in your audience, so that

you're better prepared to handle any

578

:

sort of objections that they might have.

579

:

This isn't all about ageism.

580

:

It isn't all about what they might be

going through as they're getting older.

581

:

These types of skills, these things

that they have, they were once very

582

:

good at, but now they have flipped,

and now the things that need to be

583

:

done are relying on you to take the

mantle and keep charging forward.

584

:

Also, it's really about the opportunity

for us to respond in a lot of

585

:

different things, a lot of different

ways, in order for us to have areas

586

:

that are needed to be developed.

587

:

Being an adult, being able to learn that

even as a kid, we have to understand the

588

:

functions and choices that it means to

be able to make that decision happen.

589

:

We learn those at a younger age,

but even as we get older, those

590

:

modalities, the ways in which we

used to think about them, are warped.

591

:

They're figured out in a completely

different way, which is why we have to

592

:

understand that when we have these types

of conversations with people, especially

593

:

as they get older, they might not

have the same understanding as before.

594

:

In other words, we have to appreciate

the other person's perspective.

595

:

Not everyone's going to feel fully

capable or connected to have somebody

596

:

else, or someone else, on their side.

597

:

What am I willing, or not willing to

do, in order to fix the things that are

598

:

happening around us, and I think that

it's really important to understand

599

:

with Edla's conversation today that

we can't be estranged with this.

600

:

We have to be able to get educated,

and that's where the importance of

601

:

community, having a support system

that help you to understand and feel

602

:

comfortable about these types of

life situations, can go a long way.

603

:

I know that for many parts of my family

as they've gotten older, it's been

604

:

really helpful to engage, understand,

and create a context, an understanding,

605

:

of what it means to go through

these different late stages of life.

606

:

Even as I've gotten older, this

understanding has helped me tremendously

607

:

so I'm not impatient, I know what

to fully expect, but ultimately,

608

:

that community that has gone through

it has a level of engagement.

609

:

They have a level of understanding.

610

:

They have knowledge that

they can impart onto me.

611

:

Does this sound familiar?

612

:

Yes, because in many episodes, I've

advocated for you, my listeners, to

613

:

pay attention to your surroundings.

614

:

Use the skills that you have.

615

:

Try to navigate through all the

different types of things that

616

:

are happening around you so that

you can grow that better mindset.

617

:

You have that community

that will support you.

618

:

That basic understanding is essentially

being applied to what our conversation

619

:

is today, which is really helping others

to overcome some of the challenges

620

:

that they might have in their life.

621

:

How the past affects the present, and

how it enters into the future, can make

622

:

such a big difference when it comes to

this conversation, because it allows

623

:

you to navigate resources that were once

there, might no longer be there, but

624

:

it allows you to keep moving forward.

625

:

It allows you to understand what is

available to you today that might have

626

:

otherwise not been available before,

but you have to learn that you must

627

:

be responding to those people that are

asking for help, and might need a little

628

:

bit more patience and grace through the

process, to be heard and to be understood.

629

:

You have to be cooperative.

630

:

You have to put the bias that is

about these older people behind you.

631

:

I know they can be very frustrating,

especially for the younger people.

632

:

They don't want to deal with it.

633

:

They want quick, quick, quick, especially

in today's society, that is the way

634

:

that it's supposed to go, but how

we can help them can make such a big

635

:

difference in the ways and the forms

of how we can engage with each other.

636

:

How we can make that big difference in the

grand scheme of things means that we have

637

:

to put aside that unconscious bias, which,

in some episodes, we have covered this

638

:

concept, because sometimes we have these

presuppositions of what we think, what we

639

:

have going on, and we have to understand

that for some people, the challenge is

640

:

going to be very tough, they might need

to be overcome, and, let's face it, they

641

:

might not be very pretty to deal with.

642

:

My story when it comes to dealing

with older people has been

643

:

always a place of compassion.

644

:

I worked at a factory in Boyertown,

Pennsylvania when I was in college,

645

:

manufacturing pharmaceutical bottles.

646

:

As part of that process, my job was a

packager inspector, making sure that

647

:

the bottles were quality controlled,

packaging them up based on the customer's

648

:

order, throwing them onto the conveyor

belt, and making sure that I kept my

649

:

space tidy, but around that time, I

also was surrounded by many women.

650

:

The women on that floor were

the most engaging, nice people

651

:

that I've ever had in my life,

at one particular point of time.

652

:

These women, ranging from the ages of

their early 30s, all the way to the

653

:

late 60s, all had different viewpoints

about life, and they would tell me, even

654

:

as a young college student, "Joshua!

655

:

Make sure that you pay attention

to both sides of the road before

656

:

you cross, because those cars

are flying down the street."

657

:

well, maybe not something like

that, but they were very cautious.

658

:

They were very protective of me, and

I never really quite understood why.

659

:

Of course, I had my theories.

660

:

They have their own kids.

661

:

They have their own grandparents.

662

:

They have their own types of individuals

in their lives that have surrounded

663

:

them, and supported them, when the going

gets tough, and as they've gotten older,

664

:

they have received the same in return.

665

:

Sometimes I wonder if even in today's

society, even some of the things

666

:

that Edla and I have talked about

today are even being practiced.

667

:

The mental health crisis in itself, which

has been a hot topic for many of these

668

:

episodes, and really the basis of why

I started Speaking From The Heart, is

669

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understanding why mental health is so

important, and trying to overcome the

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problems that we have in society, but with

the variety of different things that go

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on in life, I'm starting to understand why

that young college boy that was on that

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manufacturing floor was being protected

and why he was ensured that he would be

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successful, because in the various stages

of development, we might go from go go,

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slow go, no go, all the way to where we

have a place at the seat at the table to

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feel like we're being heard and respected.

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You see, our roles in life change.

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Regardless of what you might feel

about it, it is going to change.

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It's the inevitable part of life that, for

most people, they feel uncomfortable with.

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They want to feel engaged.

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:

They want to be part of a process.

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They want to grow with you.

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:

They want to be respected.

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What it means to be an adult over

a child is one of the most special

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:

moments for many parent's life.

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I can understand.

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I have friends that have kids, but to

feel fully connected with somebody,

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:

to feel like you actually taking care

of them, means that you are living

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:

a life that is worth living for.

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:

You don't feel like you're being pushed to

the side, and as you get older, you feel

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:

that way, or does it have to be that way?

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Navigate what you have

around you today, my friends.

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Listen to what kinds of advice are

around you, and also pay attention to

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:

what might be coming down the road,

because if you have a plan, if you're

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willing to help other people out,

they might scratch your back as well.

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:

This is really all in for us to be able

to understand and create the different

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:

contexts of our life so that we're ready

for each stage of them, but how we can

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:

help others makes the biggest difference,

even as what Edla has said at the very

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end, and I think that even at the very

end, you're going to remember all the

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:

different people, places, and things

that you've been able to accomplish, but

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:

more importantly, you might have that

glimmer that somebody else took care of

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:

you to make sure that you were comfortable

,before the end of life happened.

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:

But even if you're listening to

this now, and you might have many

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:

more years yet to go, don't be

feeling like it's doom and gloom.

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:

I know it's the month of October,

and I know that it's Halloween

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:

season that is upon us, but yet,

at the same time, it doesn't mean

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:

that we can't start planning today.

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:

If you're willing to work on a plan, if

you're willing to challenge yourself,

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:

being able to learn and educate in a

variety of different ways so that you're

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:

prepared for each stage, I think that

plan is really what's worthwhile, and if

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:

you're helping others, like I've always

said, I'm glad for it, but if you're not,

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just know that now is the time to start,

and if you can give those skills a flip,

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and you can help others going from go go

to no go, and making them feel a little

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:

bit more comfortable, I think you're

going to be even more connected with

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them than you could have ever imagined,

and maybe, you might learn something

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about yourself and them along the way.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 158 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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:

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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:

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.

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