As we get older, we physically and mentally change. There are numerous resources available for new parents as they start to understand the joys (both literally and figuratively) of their newborn, which includes their behaviors. Unfortunately, the prevalence or understanding of aging parents/grandparents/other close relatives and friends is not widely as available, causing misunderstandings of what it means to effectively communicate and engage with them in a healthy manner. Today's guest and owner of the One-Eighty technique, Edla Prevette, discusses her journey of being a mental health counselor and passionately helping her clients to understand the importance of reframing and engaging with these types of conversations and directions in a different way, and filling the gap in this realm that exists. Through today's interview, learn how to become more engaging and constructive, instead of resistant to this phase we all go through, in a more meaningful, productive way.

Guest Bio

Edla is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC). For more than 30 years, she has counseled children and adults of all ages, and trained and consulted with parents, teachers and community volunteers. Currently, Edla is working with adults sandwiched between their lives and their aging parents. She offers a group program called One-Eighty: When the Parental Roles Reverse and 1:1 coaching to support adults through this challenging time. Edla lives in North Carolina with her husband and her cat. She enjoys spending time with her family, traveling, reading, and riding her bike.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

2

determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

3

This is Speaking From The Heart.

4

Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 158 of Speaking from the Heart.

5

Today we have Edla Prevette, and Edla is a

licensed clinical mental health counselor.

6

For more than 30 years, she has counseled

children and adults of all ages and

7

trained and consulted with parents,

teachers, and community volunteers.

8

Currently, Edla is working with

adults sandwiched between their

9

lives and their aging parents.

10

She offers a group program called One

Eighty: When The Parental Roles Reverse,

11

and one on one coaching to support

adults through this challenging time.

12

Edla lives in North Carolina with

her husband and her cat, and she

13

enjoys spending time with her family,

traveling, reading, and riding her bike.

14

I have to say that this type of

topic, which we really dive into

15

today, a lot of what is important for

planning for the future especially

16

as we know that we're on a clock that

will eventually count down to zero.

17

We have to make the use of the

life that we have on this earth.

18

It should mean, though, that we should

stop and think about ways in which we

19

can prepare for that future, whether

it's with the financial piece of it,

20

the elder care, the wills, regardless

of what it is, obviously we're

21

going to have a cognitive decline.

22

I love that we really dive into the

fact that this is about not just aging,

23

but why it's so important for us to be

more respectable to the people that we

24

have surrounding us, even when we have

that kind of time left on this earth.

25

We shouldn't be estranged, and we

shouldn't be thrown aside with the

26

education that we can learn about

preparing for the things that will happen

27

to us, and those that surround us, but

the way that we can respond so that we're

28

heard and understood, especially as we

get older, is something that will build

29

cooperation, especially if we put the bias

behind us of what it means to be an adult.

30

I think that you're going to find that

this enlightening conversation with

31

Edla really helps us to not only work

on ourselves, but it also helps us to

32

understand that planning is okay, that

things that will happen in our lives

33

are ultimately supposed to happen, but

if we can take care of ourselves, and

34

have a plan for the future, not only

will it help us, but it will help those

35

around us to be ready for anything.

36

But with that, let's go to the episode.

37

All right, we're here with Edla Prevette.

38

Edla, thanks for sharing

your heart with us today.

39

Edla: Thanks, Josh.

40

I'm so happy to be here.

41

Joshua: Yeah.

42

I am so happy that we have you here,

because as I was even mentioning to

43

you before we started, this is a really

important subject for me that we're going

44

to cover today, and what you do as your

line of work is not only important for

45

me, but I think for many of our listeners

as well, so Edla, I've already let

46

people know about who you are and your

background, but I want to actually dig

47

into, before we get into the specifics,

I want to know what got you into being

48

a mental health counselor to begin

with, and doing that for three decades.

49

I think that's pretty impressive

to be able to do that kind of work,

50

and I wonder if you could start off

with sharing a little bit of your

51

background when it comes to that.

52

Edla: Sure.

53

I actually started as a

middle school science teacher.

54

I was a classroom teacher for a while,

and I think what got me into the mental

55

health field was I was more concerned

about my middle school students' social

56

and emotional well being, than I was about

them passing the state science exam, so I

57

went back to school and got my degree, and

became a school counselor, so I worked as

58

a school counselor for a number of years,

and then I got another job where I was

59

doing some consulting work with parents

and teachers of children through the birth

60

through kindergarten population, so I did

a lot of trainings and workshops around

61

mental health issues and young children.

62

Then I became a parent counselor for

helping parents whose children were

63

struggling, and then before I left

the school system, I had started a

64

private practice, where primarily,

I was seeing children, and then that

65

evolved into seeing adults, which then

evolved into some of the work that

66

I'm doing now with adult children of

aging parents, so that's the quick

67

version of how that journey came along.

68

Joshua: Does anything relating to your

parents relate to why you work with

69

aging parents that your clients have, and

dealing with the sort of different types

70

of issues or situations that they face?

71

Do you have any background

as to relating to that?

72

Edla: Yes.

73

In fact, if I think about my entire

history as an adult, I would say

74

that my parents have a lot of impact.

75

My mother was a middle

school science teacher.

76

I was a middle school science teacher.

77

I was in therapy for a long time in my

30s around issues with my parents, and

78

so then I sort of paid that forward by

helping my own private practice clients

79

that struggle with some of the issues

that they had from their early years.

80

Then, I was my parents caretaker for

over 10 years, so, then my clients, as

81

they started getting older, their parents

were getting older, so I started working

82

with them around all the things that I

had learned, not just professionally,

83

but personally as a caretaker for

aging parents, or aging adults, it

84

doesn't have to be their parent, but

that's primarily what I work with.

85

Joshua: With being a counselor, I'm sure

you see a lot of different situations

86

when it comes to that circumstance.

87

Is there a common thread that you've seen,

especially since you have been a caretaker

88

yourself for 10 years of your own life

with your parents, that your clients

89

come to you and ask you for advice?

90

Is there a particular type

of situation that you face?

91

Edla: Yes.

92

I think the common thread is that people

get on the Internet and they can find

93

information about financial things: wills,

home placement, elder care options, but

94

they can't find a lot about dealing with

the changes in their parents, so I would

95

say hands down, the conversation is always

about, "My parents won't listen to me.

96

My parents aren't making safe choices.

97

My parents are acting like toddlers.

98

My parents are acting like teenagers.",

some version of one of those things is

99

every single person that comes to see

me, and that's not as much of a type

100

of thing you can do a Google search on,

and get your answers to deal with; your

101

parents as they're changing and aging.

102

Joshua: That is interesting too,

because I hear that from some of my

103

fellow friends and family that are

associated, or have connected, with

104

those types of situations that you

described, because I hear about, "Oh!

105

They are regressing

back to being a child."

106

"Oh!

107

They are regressing about being a

teenager, and also remembering things

108

from back then that aren't even

applicable to today.", so are you

109

really in essence talking about memory

loss that's a common denominator, or

110

is it something much more than that?

111

Edla: It's much more than that.

112

I mean, there is cognitive decline and

aging, but it's not always dementia

113

related, right, because that's one

of the things that I talk a lot about

114

in all the work that I do is I teach

people about the stages of aging.

115

What are the developmental

stages of aging?

116

What is typical?

117

People read about that if they have

children; what's typical for a 2 year old

118

or a 4 year old, but they don't read about

that with their 80 year old parent, right,

119

and so I think if I spend time talking a

lot about just the developmental stages

120

so that you can discern is this a physical

thing where there may be something

121

dementia related, or is this more a

characteristic of the aging process,

122

because there is a cognitive decline, and

it's not just cognitive changes, but you

123

have to look at sensory changes, speech

and language changes, like word recall

124

becomes more challenging as people age.

125

There's just lots of different things

that you see as their child is a change

126

in their behavior where it might be

just part of the natural aging process,

127

and once you know that that's sort

of quote unquote normal, and I think

128

it's a little easier to be empathic

and understanding with your parent.

129

Joshua: Well, you said that

there are stages that most times

130

people going through with that.

131

I'm wondering if you can walk

through with that with our

132

listeners what those stages are.

133

Edla: Well, it's not really stages

in that it's like adolescence

134

or preteens, adolescence.

135

It's not really the same as

that, but there are some trends.

136

There's something that I read one

time, and I sort of like this.

137

It's called the three stages are the go

go, the slow go and the no go, right, so-

138

Joshua: That is the most unique

stages I have ever heard with

139

anybody I've interviewed on this

show, so you get the cake with that.

140

Edla: Well I can't, I got it from somebody

else and I thought, "Oh wow.", so it

141

talks about- and this is talking sort

of about retirement and, a financial

142

advisor probably heard of it, but when

people are 65, or let's just say, I

143

don't use numbers very much, but just

for sake of this discussion, like at

144

65, they're often in the go go stage.

145

Their kids are launched.

146

They've retired.

147

They've got a little extra money in

their back pocket, so they're traveling.

148

They're doing this, that, and the

other, and then there's the slow go

149

phase, when they're just slowing down.

150

They can still participate, but they

just don't have the same energy level,

151

or the same cognitive level that they

did earlier, and then there's the no

152

go stage, and that's pretty much when

they're not much out of the house.

153

They might go to their church or

their kid's house, but they've really

154

circled the wagons, and I'm speaking

in generalities, cause it's just like

155

with anything, and I said I don't use

numbers very often, because you can

156

line up, I don't know, ten 80 year olds,

and they look completely different.

157

They manifest their age completely

different, so it's not an exact science,

158

but that would be sort of the things

you would want to look at, but for me,

159

it's not so much what they're doing.

160

It's how they're aging, right, so I look

at- well, let's use something that's

161

kind of obvious for your listeners.

162

If someone has hearing loss as part of

the aging process, or either a disease or

163

something, but if they have hearing loss,

that's going to impact their behavior.

164

It makes it more difficult

to be in a social setting.

165

It makes it more difficult

to follow a conversation.

166

Depending on their temperament, they

may just get really quiet and withdraw,

167

or, they might get irritable, and

yell at people, because, "I can't hear

168

what you're saying.", so there's all

these levels of things that you have

169

to consider, not just of the ages of

staging, but then you have to consider

170

their temperament as well so that as

their adult child, or the person dealing

171

with them, you have to have some skills

to adjust so that you're dealing with

172

the different temperaments, but then the

different stages of aging simultaneously.

173

Joshua: I can give you an example.

174

Maybe we can talk about for a little bit,

because I think that it's interesting

175

to hear you say there's different

skills that we have to learn, so I'll

176

give you an example of my parents, and

sorry, parents, I'm going to put you

177

on the spot, but I love you both, but

my dad can be very stubborn, and my

178

dad has been very stubborn for all his

life to the point that nothing's really

179

going to change essentially when it

comes to making progress, maybe even

180

changing his behavior, while my mom,

on the other hand, she definitely has

181

a lot of her faculties, although I

think that she's one of the "slow gos"

182

now because of just some of the things

that she's experiencing in her life.

183

Being that I'm a child, along with my half

sister who I have a relationship with too,

184

what would you say to my half sister and

I relating to what kind of skills might

185

be necessary, and if you need to ask more

information, I'd be more than happy to

186

have that conversation with you, too.

187

Edla: I feel sorry for your parents, Josh.

188

Sorry, Josh.

189

Joshua: Don't feel sorry.

190

They love me and they love that

I'm doing this, so it's all good.

191

Edla: Well, I don't think I

have any more questions, because

192

literally, then we'd get into a

whole coaching session, but I think-

193

Joshua: Ooo.

194

Edla: That's another day, right, so-

195

Joshua: That is another day.

196

Edla: But I will say that the things

that you described about your mom and

197

your dad, I have other clients that have

similar things, so when you have a parent

198

that's, you use the word stubborn, I

would say the first thing that you want

199

to do as their caretaker, or as their

child, is to try to flip the way that

200

you describe it so that something more

positive than negative, so instead of

201

saying stubborn, you might say something,

"He's determined.", "He's passionate.",

202

"He's opinionated.", right, and I think

that has a real different feel on the

203

way that the adult child would respond to

that person, because when you say, "He's

204

so dead on stubborn!", that just is kind

of got an angry undertone or frustrated

205

undertone, but if it's more like, " He's

opinionated, and he's got ideas about how

206

he thinks things should go.", then it has

a little different feel to it, so I think

207

flipping the negative labels that you give

to your aging parents would be helpful.

208

The other thing is that these are adults.

209

They have been independent all their

lives, and so their little whippersnapper

210

son to come in and tell them what to do or

not to do- yeah, no, that's not going to

211

happen, so then you have to approach it in

a way that they would be more cooperative.

212

I'll use an example with my dad.

213

He was set in his ways, let's just say,

and he had a way of doing things, and

214

he was much older than probably your

father is now, but he stopped taking

215

a bath, and if you read about ages of

development, that's a really common thing.

216

They'll stop bathing,

and I didn't know this.

217

I know a lot about it now,

but dad needed to take a bath.

218

He'd been working outside, so what

I did was I put it back on him.

219

"I wonder if you need to bathe since

you've been in the garden."; you

220

know, just trying to put it back on

him, and then I gave him choices.

221

Well, what actually happened, Josh,

is that I went up to their bathroom,

222

and I looked in their bathroom

from a different point of view.

223

My father did not feel safe taking

a shower anymore, but he was too

224

proud to say, "I don't feel safe."

225

we had rugs on the floor that would slip.

226

We didn't have any bars.

227

He had to step over into the tub.

228

He had to take his glasses off, and

then that's where we're talking about

229

the sensory pieces, so then it messed

with his depth perception, but he's

230

not going to come down and say, "Edla!

231

I'm scared to go take a bath.", so

then I approached him differently,

232

right, instead of thinking he was

being so obstinate and stubborn.

233

What were you saying about your mom?

234

She's kind of entered

this "slow go" phase?

235

Joshua: Yeah, she has all of her

faculties, and is able to have a good

236

conversation, and be able to understand

everything, and what she needs to do,

237

and also, takes care of herself, so yeah.

238

Edla: Yeah, it just sort

of naturally happens.

239

If you've been doing something for 30, 40,

50 years, you're just tired of doing it.

240

You're more comfortable just being at

your house, or going to your local senior

241

center, or just going to your grocery

store, and coming home, and just enjoying

242

that, but I don't know that our society

really embraces that as a okay thing.

243

If you're not go, go, going all the time,

then you're not being effective, but I

244

think some of that just happens naturally.

245

I can even say for myself, I'm a very

social person, but I can tell already

246

that I don't have the big parties.

247

I'm not going out.

248

I'm not doing the same level of

social things that I did when I was

249

in my twenties and thirties, right,

so I would say that's just a natural

250

progression and that it's okay.

251

Joshua: Well, you bring up something

that I sometimes hear about in the

252

news, and I know that the news isn't

completely telling the whole story either.

253

Surprise, surprise, but I also have heard

about the fact that many parents that need

254

to be taken care of by their children,

so they become like caregivers, have

255

almost a sense of resentment, or feel

like they being held back, if you will,

256

because they aren't being able to do what

they really want to do in their lives.

257

They're going home and taking care of

their parents instead, so have you worked

258

with people like that, and if so, what

is maybe one piece of advice that you

259

might be able to give to somebody that

might change that script, because I don't

260

know if it's as simple as saying, "Be

positive.", as we talk about earlier.

261

That could work in some

situations, but not all.

262

Edla: And that's what I was going

to say that one piece of advice.

263

Wow.

264

It's so situational.

265

One of my clients said to me one time,

and I don't remember exactly the exact

266

way that she said it, but she didn't

want me to talk about her loved one.

267

She doesn't feel like

they were her loved one.

268

She had a terrible relationship with her

parents, and so her story, and the work

269

that we had to do, was really different

than for a different client who loves and

270

cares and wants to take care of this other

person I'm talking about was her mother.

271

Her mother moved in with them, and

she didn't have any regret, or any

272

resentment at all, so part of that

depends on the adult child's temperament.

273

What are you set up for?

274

Now, I'm not going to be naive and

say that this is not a one size fits

275

all, because everybody's financial

circumstances are different.

276

Their work circumstances are different,

so this is when it gets real nuanced, but

277

I did not want my parents living with me.

278

I have my own history with them, and I

was okay to be their care manager, but

279

I wasn't interested in their hygiene.

280

I didn't want to clean them, or bathe

them, or feed them, right, so I think

281

the one piece of advice, maybe that I

would give to an adult child is to look

282

inward and think, "What am I capable of?

283

What am I willing to do, and what am I

not willing to do?", and then you work

284

outward from there with a coach, or just

yourself, or your therapist, or whoever

285

is helping you, because you're right.

286

I mean, some people really resent it.

287

I have two siblings, and they were

of minimal help, but I did most of it.

288

Joshua: I know my half sister's probably

yelling at me right now, saying, "Yeah, I

289

also do all the things, Josh, so when are

you going to step in and do something?"

290

Edla: That's exactly right!

291

Joshua: I will go on record saying yes.

292

I know, and I will do better.

293

We actually have had candid conversations,

because distance is actually a big

294

factor, and my half sister lives a lot

closer than I do right now, currently,

295

so that makes a big difference.

296

Edla: It does, and that

was part of my story.

297

I lived very close to my parents, so

it was easier for me to help them than

298

it was for my siblings, and my career

was a little more flexible, but I think

299

you make a good point talking about

your sister is that sibling stuff.

300

There is a lot of challenges.

301

There's some siblings that just do great,

and then there's some siblings that they

302

fight the whole way through the process,

and there's really some that become

303

estranged through this process, and that's

part of my reason of wanting to do this.

304

I can make this easier for another

family just with education and insight.

305

I mean, gosh!

306

I feel like I have to do it, right,

to make it easier for someone else.

307

Joshua: I think that's why it's

so important in any circumstance.

308

That's why I do coaching myself, Edla,

because I feel that being able to see

309

that other side, be able to provide

that perspective for somebody, is all

310

that sometimes people need to be able

to move forward, but I also say too,

311

and I'm sure you say the same thing.

312

"I'm not going to do it for you.

313

You're going to have to take these

tools, and do them for yourself.

314

I can be here to be a level of support,

but not to be doing all that work,

315

because if I started doing that, that

means that I'm in for training your

316

family, and I don't want to do that."

317

I have that problem.

318

Edla: Right.

319

Yeah.

320

I get it.

321

Joshua: I want to talk about your coaching

business then as a result, because the

322

program, essentially, is 180, and it's

literally the number 180, because we

323

are flipping that perspective now where

it used to be the parent taking care of

324

us, but now we, the children, sometimes

maybe not have any children, but we

325

have somebody else that acts in that

role, we'll be providing that support

326

for a parent, or somebody else, so what

would you say is a typical client for

327

you that comes in and wants your help?

328

Meaning, do they look for more support

from you on an individual level?

329

I noticed that you do more group coaching

too, so I'm wondering how that operates

330

in that sort of atmosphere if you're

getting some of the family together and

331

to help with a group of individuals,

so I'm wondering if you could talk

332

a little bit about how that works.

333

Edla: Sure, so the group of

individuals are not family members.

334

That would be like, let's say 10

people that are adult children of aging

335

parents that are sandwiched, and so we

come together and there's an education

336

component that I teach, and then

there's like a Q&A, and it runs more

337

like group therapy, but it's coaching,

because we're not digging in to the

338

past, right, and it's more affordable

for people than one on one coaching.

339

Some people like that community of other

people that they get to know, so the

340

coaching though, for me as a licensed

therapist, I have to be really careful

341

that I keep my license- my therapy

business separate from my coaching

342

business, so in therapy, it's often how

the past, just a quick answer, how the

343

past is impacting your present, impacts

your future, right, so you're doing

344

a lot of historical stuff, looking at

your childhood and that sort of thing.

345

When people come in for coaching, we're

starting right now, and looking forward,

346

if that makes sense, so think of it

maybe more like psychoeducational, right?

347

Some of my therapy clients that I'm doing

work with them from their past they do

348

talk about their parents, because they're

mad at their parents, but they're having

349

to care for their parents, so they're

in a separate lane, but for my true

350

coaching clients, they're seeing changes

in their parents and they're like, "Oh!

351

I don't know what to do.", so they come

in, and I get all of the history about

352

their parents, what's going on, what's not

going on, what the relationship's like,

353

et cetera, et cetera, and then we set some

goals, and then I help them and advise

354

them, based on what you've told me about

your parent, this isn't going to work.

355

This might work in terms of

talking to them, or getting

356

them to be more cooperative.

357

I'm not a consultant.

358

There are senior advisor consultants

that will help people find services,

359

like living services, or Meals On

Wheels, those kinds of services.

360

I don't do that.

361

This is more the interpersonal, and the

personal interaction and relationship,

362

and how to navigate that so that when

your parents life comes to an end, you

363

feel a sense of gratitude, and that

you were able to be there to care for

364

them, because I can't tell you how many

times people have come in with grief

365

work, and they feel guilty because they

were relieved that their parents died,

366

because it had been so challenging the

last bit that they felt this sense.

367

They were like, "Thank God they're

dead.", and then they just feel so guilty

368

about it, so if you can work on your

relationship as it changes, and it has

369

to, like, flip, as you say, then that

process just goes easier and it's more

370

respectful and it's more connected,

and I think it's really helpful.

371

Joshua: When you are connecting people

to maybe have a better time dealing

372

with relationships, and building that

ability because of the changes that

373

are happening, what is a piece of

advice that you would give to somebody

374

that might be struggling with coping

with that different change in role?

375

Is there something universal that

maybe you can share, regardless of the

376

circumstances, with our listeners to

be able to help them cope with that?

377

Edla: Now, are you talking

about someone talking to their

378

aging parent, or their own self?

379

Joshua: Either way, whatever

way you want to take it.

380

Edla: Let me start with probably the

thing that I talk about the most, so

381

if you are talking to your parents, or

anyone is talking to their parents,

382

and you're trying to get them to make

a different decision, or ,to make a

383

different choice, or you see them doing

something that you don't think is safe

384

and you go in there and you're like, "Mom!

385

You need to quit doing ABC.",

whatever; pick a thing, and

386

she looks at you like, "Uh, no!

387

Don't tell me what to do."

388

or, I'll use my mother, for example.

389

She was a pretty anxious person and she

would call me all the time, and she was

390

a big worrier about things, because she

just had lost so much control, right?

391

The thing that works is to respond

to them in such a way that you are

392

making them feel heard and understood.

393

You don't have to agree with them, but

if they approach you about something, or

394

they do something, and you engage them

in such a way that makes them feel heard

395

and understood, then you have a better

chance of problem solving with them.

396

You have a better chance of them being

cooperative, so when mom would call and

397

she'd be like, "I've run out of money.

398

I don't have any more

money in my bank account.

399

Where's all my money?",

that kind of thing.

400

Then I would say, "Wow, mom!

401

It sounds like you're really

worried that your money's missing,

402

and you're not sure where it is."

403

I could have said, "Mom!

404

Your money's in the bank.

405

You don't need to worry about it.",

but that's not hearing the worry, so

406

I would say, and that's not a great

example, but I think you get the idea.

407

" It sounds like you're really worried,

and confused, about where your

408

money is, and it's making you really

um scared and nervous.", and then

409

that would sort of calm her down.

410

They're like, "Oh!

411

Okay.

412

Well, let me call the bank.", or, "I'll

come pick you up and we can go to the

413

bank.", or whatever I would tell her,

then she would be more likely to be

414

cooperative, so if you go to your parent's

house, this is one that happens a lot.

415

People show up to their parent's

house and there's all this expired

416

food in the refrigerator, and

the adult child goes in, "Mom!

417

This has been in here for two years.

418

Why do you still got this in here?",

that will put the parent on the defense,

419

right, because it's insulting them.

420

They're embarrassed, but if you

start with something like, "Wow, mom.

421

Your refrigerator is pretty full.

422

I wonder if we should spend the next

little bit of time cleaning it out.",

423

or, "When did you get this potato salad?

424

Where did you get it?",

and then you go, "Oh gosh!

425

I see.

426

The expiration was two months ago.

427

Maybe we should throw that out."

428

You see, they may be more cooperative

than you just going, "Mom!

429

Why have you got all this

old potato salad in here?"

430

That kind of thing.

431

Joshua: That makes so much more sense,

and even in coaching, I feel that

432

what you said about being heard, being

understood is even universal to young

433

adults, and even people my age, which-

434

Edla: Everyone!

435

Joshua: You can tell.

436

Yeah.

437

Yeah.

438

Everyone needs to be-

439

Edla: Even little kids; little three or

four year olds and their tantrum about

440

something, because you won't let them

have ice cream or whatever, you go, "You

441

were really sad, and really mad that

I won't let you have any ice cream."

442

That doesn't mean you're going

to give them ice cream, but

443

you can be empathic with them.

444

Same with the coaching client.

445

I would absolutely, like for you,

if they're trying to go through

446

career changes and you just start

going, "Well, you need to do this and

447

this and this and this and this.",

but if you started with, "Wow!

448

I can tell you're really overwhelmed

with the options and the choices."

449

I mean, people feel heard.

450

It's great.

451

Joshua: For the record, I don't do that.

452

I don't say, "You need to do this, this,

this, and this.", but I have to say

453

that, just in case people are listening

first time and they think that, "Oh.

454

You're that type of person?"

455

Edla: No, no!

456

Joshua: Don't be sorry.

457

I think it's just really important

to set the record straight that there

458

are ways in which you have to go about

it, and I've had this conversation

459

with numerous others on the show too.

460

Edla: But we don't do it sometimes

with our parents, because sometimes

461

we're acting like a child ourself.

462

You might go in as a 40 year old,

but you're acting like a 10 year

463

old, so you kind of revert back

to some of those interactions that

464

you had when you were a child with

your parents, and so you have to.

465

I guess a piece of advice that I

would think for us as the individual

466

that's talking to our parents is

that we've got to really look deep

467

inside and say, "I'm an adult.

468

I need to act like an adult.

469

What would I say to people at work?

470

What would I do with the people that

are in my peer group?", and kind of

471

get in that mindset of you've got to

be the adult, which can be hard to

472

do when you're engaging your parents.

473

Joshua: Edla, we're almost at the end

of our time, but I want to ask you

474

this one last question, because this

conversation has been full of information.

475

Edla: We'll do part two.

476

Joshua: We could.

477

Yeah!

478

We could easily do a part two,

but I want to wrap it up for today

479

and ask you this kind of question.

480

You've been doing some sort of counseling,

or coaching, for now, about 30 plus years.

481

Edla: Right.

482

Joshua: What has been the most rewarding

thing about your career personally,

483

and it doesn't have to be a specific

example or anything, you can just talk

484

in general about it, but what would you

say is that one thing- and I know I'm

485

putting you on the spot- there's one

thing that would summarize your whole

486

entire career that would help you,

and maybe help other people understand

487

why you love doing what you're doing,

if you could share that with us.

488

Edla: You know, I'm a

helping professional.

489

Everything that I've done has been helping

other people, and oftentimes I don't know

490

what the outcome is, or the impact that

the work that people have done with me

491

has had on their life, but I can think

about four or five times where people

492

have circled back to me, and have just

said, whatever the interaction was what

493

you taught me, or how you engaged me, or

how you helped me with my kids, was so

494

helpful, that just propels it forward for

me, and so I continue to do that kind of

495

thing, knowing that I put my best foot

forward and I always try to help people

496

and I always have their best interest at

heart, and so I would say the majority

497

of the time that I'm able to help people

feel better in their circumstances,

498

and so that's why I keep doing it.

499

Joshua: I love that you keep doing it.

500

I love that you're helping in this

very important niche that you're doing.

501

It's such an important piece of

it, especially as we have an aging

502

population, not just in the United

States, but across the world, and being

503

able to understand how to address some

of these concerns today, I think you

504

gave some valuable insight, but Edla, I

want to give you the last few minutes.

505

How can people reach out to you

if they're actually interested

506

in maybe engaging you in coaching

one on one, or a group setting?

507

How can they get in contact with you?

508

What are some best ways in which

they could even follow you, for that

509

matter, if they have any other types

of questions, but I'm going to give you

510

the last few minutes to pitch yourself.

511

Edla: Okay.

512

Thank you.

513

I would say the first thing I would

encourage your listeners to do is to

514

go to my website, and I have a workbook

called the 180 Bookend Technique.

515

It is a downloadable three step

technique that gives examples and

516

scripts that you can use immediately

to increase cooperation and

517

reduce conflicts for your parents.

518

It's all over my website,

which is edlapravette.com.

519

The other thing I would say, the

website also has all of my coaching

520

and my group programs that I

offer, so that's all inclusive.

521

Your listeners can follow me

on Facebook at OneEighty, and

522

that's a word, not a number.

523

OneEighty with Edla Prevett,

and I'm also on Instagram at

524

OneEighty_EdlaPravette, so there you go.

525

Joshua: Awesome, Edla.

526

Thanks so much for sharing all of that

with us today, and again, if anybody is

527

interested in reaching out, I'll put all

that in the episode notes, but this is

528

really not just an important subject,

but I think it's just something that an

529

overall scheme of things we need to pay

attention to is how we frame things, how

530

we say things, especially to even our

aging parents, because they are still

531

people, they're still human beings.

532

We don't have to treat them as a burden,

or a second class citizen, or whatever.

533

We can all treat them equally, so for

all those reasons, Edla, thanks for

534

being on Speaking From The Heart today.

535

I really appreciate our conversation.

536

Edla: Sure.

537

Thanks for having me, Josh.

538

Take care.

539

Joshua: I want to thank Edla again

so much for spending her time talking

540

about these variety of different

techniques, all these different types

541

of considerations that we should have,

especially when it comes to planning.

542

Her level of experience, her care for

others, certainly shows in today's

543

episode, and I think that even for us,

we know of somebody that has gone through

544

these types of struggles, has really

overcome a lot of different pain points,

545

and has thrown us into a variety of

different tailspins when it comes to not

546

only health concerns, financial concerns,

estate planning, all the different types

547

of decisions that had to be made by an

executor, all those things can really take

548

a toll on our mental health especially,

and I think that it all leads to the fact

549

that we have a certain level of ability.

550

We have to be able to really branch

out and to share those skills

551

in a variety of different ways.

552

That's what I do for my business, Your

Speaking Voice, LLC, and Edla does it,

553

obviously, for the trainings and workshops

that she tries to develop so that she can

554

help others create those opportunities,

but even with all that said, each of us

555

have a different mindset, a different

framework that we're coming from.

556

Not every single situation is unique.

557

We might have some of the things that

were talked about today be on the table

558

when it comes to planning out that master

plan when it comes to even the people that

559

need to have that extra level of support,

but we have to be able to understand that

560

there are developmental stages of aging.

561

We have to understand and respect the

fact that as people get older, they

562

don't have the same level of patience.

563

They don't have the same faculties

that they once did when they

564

were kids, or even as adults.

565

Those types of decisions are at

their epiphany when it comes at

566

the time of their lives when they

really have everything established.

567

Those are the things that

they are really growing into.

568

They have consistently built a pattern,

and cognitively, that's what they feel

569

comfortable with, but you have to also

pay attention to the facial expressions,

570

the communication styles that they have,

and whether they are being normal or

571

not normal, whether they're go go, slow

go, or no go, those are all tall tale

572

signs of these types of phenomenons,

and I think that is really important,

573

especially with the context of what

I do for a living, public speaking

574

coaching primarily, that helps people

to understand how you identify with your

575

audience, how do you get to that next

step, but even more importantly, how

576

you're able to adjust when you have those

things going on in your life, that you

577

have going on in your audience, so that

you're better prepared to handle any

578

sort of objections that they might have.

579

This isn't all about ageism.

580

It isn't all about what they might be

going through as they're getting older.

581

These types of skills, these things

that they have, they were once very

582

good at, but now they have flipped,

and now the things that need to be

583

done are relying on you to take the

mantle and keep charging forward.

584

Also, it's really about the opportunity

for us to respond in a lot of

585

different things, a lot of different

ways, in order for us to have areas

586

that are needed to be developed.

587

Being an adult, being able to learn that

even as a kid, we have to understand the

588

functions and choices that it means to

be able to make that decision happen.

589

We learn those at a younger age,

but even as we get older, those

590

modalities, the ways in which we

used to think about them, are warped.

591

They're figured out in a completely

different way, which is why we have to

592

understand that when we have these types

of conversations with people, especially

593

as they get older, they might not

have the same understanding as before.

594

In other words, we have to appreciate

the other person's perspective.

595

Not everyone's going to feel fully

capable or connected to have somebody

596

else, or someone else, on their side.

597

What am I willing, or not willing to

do, in order to fix the things that are

598

happening around us, and I think that

it's really important to understand

599

with Edla's conversation today that

we can't be estranged with this.

600

We have to be able to get educated,

and that's where the importance of

601

community, having a support system

that help you to understand and feel

602

comfortable about these types of

life situations, can go a long way.

603

I know that for many parts of my family

as they've gotten older, it's been

604

really helpful to engage, understand,

and create a context, an understanding,

605

of what it means to go through

these different late stages of life.

606

Even as I've gotten older, this

understanding has helped me tremendously

607

so I'm not impatient, I know what

to fully expect, but ultimately,

608

that community that has gone through

it has a level of engagement.

609

They have a level of understanding.

610

They have knowledge that

they can impart onto me.

611

Does this sound familiar?

612

Yes, because in many episodes, I've

advocated for you, my listeners, to

613

pay attention to your surroundings.

614

Use the skills that you have.

615

Try to navigate through all the

different types of things that

616

are happening around you so that

you can grow that better mindset.

617

You have that community

that will support you.

618

That basic understanding is essentially

being applied to what our conversation

619

is today, which is really helping others

to overcome some of the challenges

620

that they might have in their life.

621

How the past affects the present, and

how it enters into the future, can make

622

such a big difference when it comes to

this conversation, because it allows

623

you to navigate resources that were once

there, might no longer be there, but

624

it allows you to keep moving forward.

625

It allows you to understand what is

available to you today that might have

626

otherwise not been available before,

but you have to learn that you must

627

be responding to those people that are

asking for help, and might need a little

628

bit more patience and grace through the

process, to be heard and to be understood.

629

You have to be cooperative.

630

You have to put the bias that is

about these older people behind you.

631

I know they can be very frustrating,

especially for the younger people.

632

They don't want to deal with it.

633

They want quick, quick, quick, especially

in today's society, that is the way

634

that it's supposed to go, but how

we can help them can make such a big

635

difference in the ways and the forms

of how we can engage with each other.

636

How we can make that big difference in the

grand scheme of things means that we have

637

to put aside that unconscious bias, which,

in some episodes, we have covered this

638

concept, because sometimes we have these

presuppositions of what we think, what we

639

have going on, and we have to understand

that for some people, the challenge is

640

going to be very tough, they might need

to be overcome, and, let's face it, they

641

might not be very pretty to deal with.

642

My story when it comes to dealing

with older people has been

643

always a place of compassion.

644

I worked at a factory in Boyertown,

Pennsylvania when I was in college,

645

manufacturing pharmaceutical bottles.

646

As part of that process, my job was a

packager inspector, making sure that

647

the bottles were quality controlled,

packaging them up based on the customer's

648

order, throwing them onto the conveyor

belt, and making sure that I kept my

649

space tidy, but around that time, I

also was surrounded by many women.

650

The women on that floor were

the most engaging, nice people

651

that I've ever had in my life,

at one particular point of time.

652

These women, ranging from the ages of

their early 30s, all the way to the

653

late 60s, all had different viewpoints

about life, and they would tell me, even

654

as a young college student, "Joshua!

655

Make sure that you pay attention

to both sides of the road before

656

you cross, because those cars

are flying down the street."

657

well, maybe not something like

that, but they were very cautious.

658

They were very protective of me, and

I never really quite understood why.

659

Of course, I had my theories.

660

They have their own kids.

661

They have their own grandparents.

662

They have their own types of individuals

in their lives that have surrounded

663

them, and supported them, when the going

gets tough, and as they've gotten older,

664

they have received the same in return.

665

Sometimes I wonder if even in today's

society, even some of the things

666

that Edla and I have talked about

today are even being practiced.

667

The mental health crisis in itself, which

has been a hot topic for many of these

668

episodes, and really the basis of why

I started Speaking From The Heart, is

669

understanding why mental health is so

important, and trying to overcome the

670

problems that we have in society, but with

the variety of different things that go

671

on in life, I'm starting to understand why

that young college boy that was on that

672

manufacturing floor was being protected

and why he was ensured that he would be

673

successful, because in the various stages

of development, we might go from go go,

674

slow go, no go, all the way to where we

have a place at the seat at the table to

675

feel like we're being heard and respected.

676

You see, our roles in life change.

677

Regardless of what you might feel

about it, it is going to change.

678

It's the inevitable part of life that, for

most people, they feel uncomfortable with.

679

They want to feel engaged.

680

They want to be part of a process.

681

They want to grow with you.

682

They want to be respected.

683

What it means to be an adult over

a child is one of the most special

684

moments for many parent's life.

685

I can understand.

686

I have friends that have kids, but to

feel fully connected with somebody,

687

to feel like you actually taking care

of them, means that you are living

688

a life that is worth living for.

689

You don't feel like you're being pushed to

the side, and as you get older, you feel

690

that way, or does it have to be that way?

691

Navigate what you have

around you today, my friends.

692

Listen to what kinds of advice are

around you, and also pay attention to

693

what might be coming down the road,

because if you have a plan, if you're

694

willing to help other people out,

they might scratch your back as well.

695

This is really all in for us to be able

to understand and create the different

696

contexts of our life so that we're ready

for each stage of them, but how we can

697

help others makes the biggest difference,

even as what Edla has said at the very

698

end, and I think that even at the very

end, you're going to remember all the

699

different people, places, and things

that you've been able to accomplish, but

700

more importantly, you might have that

glimmer that somebody else took care of

701

you to make sure that you were comfortable

,before the end of life happened.

702

But even if you're listening to

this now, and you might have many

703

more years yet to go, don't be

feeling like it's doom and gloom.

704

I know it's the month of October,

and I know that it's Halloween

705

season that is upon us, but yet,

at the same time, it doesn't mean

706

that we can't start planning today.

707

If you're willing to work on a plan, if

you're willing to challenge yourself,

708

being able to learn and educate in a

variety of different ways so that you're

709

prepared for each stage, I think that

plan is really what's worthwhile, and if

710

you're helping others, like I've always

said, I'm glad for it, but if you're not,

711

just know that now is the time to start,

and if you can give those skills a flip,

712

and you can help others going from go go

to no go, and making them feel a little

713

bit more comfortable, I think you're

going to be even more connected with

714

them than you could have ever imagined,

and maybe, you might learn something

715

about yourself and them along the way.

716

Thanks for listening to episode

number 158 of Speaking From the

717

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

718

Outro: Thanks for listening.

719

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

720

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

721

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

722

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

723

See you next time.