hey there,

this is episode 2 of not proud of our behaviour with Sean Dustin.

https://linktr.ee/Nowheretogobutup

we invite you to this heartwarming and transparent conversation between a man and a women who regret their past behaviours and managed to become strong and supportive individuals in the present.

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Aurora

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Unknown: 00:00:03

Hey, good afternoon. I'm Sean Dustin from the nowhere

Unknown: 00:00:07

to go But up podcast. And joining me today is Aurora from

Unknown: 00:00:13

the Borealis experience and Aurora and myself if you haven't

Unknown: 00:00:16

read the description, we teamed up, because in our past we've

Unknown: 00:00:22

you know, we were abusive people. And you know, we had

Unknown: 00:00:25

unhealthy relationships, toxic relationships, the way that we

Unknown: 00:00:29

dealt with the opposite sex or this, our significant others was

Unknown: 00:00:33

not necessarily very productive, or very healthy. So what we

Unknown: 00:00:41

decided to do, and this is be the second episode of what we've

Unknown: 00:00:44

done is talk about these issues, and share them with you and let

Unknown: 00:00:50

you guys know that you're not alone, if you are a part of this

Unknown: 00:00:54

group of people that has experienced these kinds of

Unknown: 00:00:57

things in the past. And if you're looking to kind of change

Unknown: 00:01:01

your behaviors, and you know, identify sort of the things in

Unknown: 00:01:05

the blind spots in your life and in your behaviors. This is what

Unknown: 00:01:11

we're here to do. We're here to talk about these things. So,

Unknown: 00:01:14

Aurora, I'm gonna bring her in. Hey, Roy, once you go ahead and

Unknown: 00:01:20

introduce yourself, I'm gonna, I'm gonna share this real quick,

Unknown: 00:01:23

with a bunch of different groups while you're taking care of

Unknown: 00:01:25

that.

Unknown: 00:01:27

Mm hmm. Thank you so much, Sean. Yeah, my name is Aurora, I

Unknown: 00:01:32

started the Borealis experience podcast a couple months ago and

Unknown: 00:01:38

met Sean along the way. And we started talking and just

Unknown: 00:01:44

realized that we have something in common that we're not really

Unknown: 00:01:48

proud of. Like Sean just said, we were abusive, and

Unknown: 00:01:55

manipulative, and not awesome with our previous partners, or

Unknown: 00:02:00

maybe family members. And I think it is really important as

Unknown: 00:02:04

a woman to kind of disclose some of the behavior that I heard you

Unknown: 00:02:11

say, practiced. And from him side, too, to know that, yeah,

Unknown: 00:02:18

there's women out there who are aware of this kind of behavior,

Unknown: 00:02:24

and we're not proud of it, we want to be better. We want to

Unknown: 00:02:27

connect with you guys and have healthy relationships. quantize,

Unknown: 00:02:32

it is just hard to Yeah, be that wonderful, awesome, heartwarming

Unknown: 00:02:38

person because of stuff that happens in the past or stuff

Unknown: 00:02:42

that we still haven't let go. of. So the show here is very,

Unknown: 00:02:50

very important to me. I'm very excited to be on this. And yeah,

Unknown: 00:02:55

thank you for supporting us and for sharing or giving us any

Unknown: 00:03:00

kind of feedback if you can relate, or if this is of any

Unknown: 00:03:05

benefit for you.

Unknown: 00:03:08

Thank you. I appreciate that for the yoke. carrying me there for

Unknown: 00:03:12

a little bit why why shared this through the Facebook groups. But

Unknown: 00:03:16

yeah, I mean, last, last episode, Episode Number one, we

Unknown: 00:03:21

talked about our past and kind of the things that you and I

Unknown: 00:03:25

both did, you took your turn. And I took my turn and we kind

Unknown: 00:03:29

of gave everybody an idea of kind of the kind of people we

Unknown: 00:03:35

were the things that we would do, you know, the traps that we

Unknown: 00:03:37

would lay for our significant others or, you know, maybe the

Unknown: 00:03:41

gaslighting that we would both do to try and you know, we and

Unknown: 00:03:47

we did unwrap a lot of stuff in that. And so I would suggest

Unknown: 00:03:51

that you go back and check that out, she has it on her on her

Unknown: 00:03:55

podcast, the Borealis experience, she's got an episode

Unknown: 00:03:59

there, I have the same episode on mine, the nowhere to go, but

Unknown: 00:04:01

up podcast. So between either one, you'll be able to find it.

Unknown: 00:04:05

And it's called not proud of our behavior. Because that's really

Unknown: 00:04:10

where we're at, you know, we're not proud of the way that we

Unknown: 00:04:13

behaved in the past. And we don't want to continue that into

Unknown: 00:04:17

the future. And so by talking about it, and you know, kind of

Unknown: 00:04:21

like diving in and finding out like, you know, why? Why did we

Unknown: 00:04:25

do the things that we did, and, you know, and other stuff, and

Unknown: 00:04:28

then also checking in about, you know, how were we triggered in

Unknown: 00:04:32

any way this, you know, since we've talked, you know, have we

Unknown: 00:04:36

gone through any sort of things that, you know, were impactful

Unknown: 00:04:40

or where we had to step back and go, Oh, man, you know, I really

Unknown: 00:04:45

need to take a look at that, you know, because some of that old

Unknown: 00:04:48

stuff is starting to come up. Is that kind of like where you feel

Unknown: 00:04:53

Aurora?

Unknown: 00:04:55

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like as soon as I knew that, we were

Unknown: 00:04:59

going to do The second show on this Thursday, I was like, Oh,

Unknown: 00:05:04

I'm happy that I can talk about this stuff. And yeah, shed light

Unknown: 00:05:09

on. In order to dissolve it instead of suppressing it more

Unknown: 00:05:14

and more and more. And I hope our listeners can feel the same

Unknown: 00:05:19

way in just listening, we might invite you guys to be guests, or

Unknown: 00:05:24

to send us emails, of requests. But yeah, I was really looking

Unknown: 00:05:30

forward to that second episode now, because there was quite

Unknown: 00:05:34

quite a lot of stuff building up.

Unknown: 00:05:38

So let's, let's talk about that. Because you mentioned something

Unknown: 00:05:41

that's really important. What happens when we don't talk about

Unknown: 00:05:45

this stuff? What happens when we suppress it? Or what happens for

Unknown: 00:05:48

you, when you suppress these things, and don't really get

Unknown: 00:05:52

them out and let them sort of fester?

Unknown: 00:05:56

Um, yeah,

Unknown: 00:05:57

let's talk about suppression, I think that I become very quiet.

Unknown: 00:06:03

And when I opened my mouth, it's usually cynical or very

Unknown: 00:06:08

negative. So I feel shame about my behavior, but don't

Unknown: 00:06:14

communicate that I feel regret or anything, instead, I attack

Unknown: 00:06:19

the other person verbally. Or I just give them the silent

Unknown: 00:06:24

treatment, because I don't want to confront my feelings that are

Unknown: 00:06:30

roaming inside of me. And the other person is usually, like

Unknown: 00:06:35

very helpless, and doesn't really know how to approach me

Unknown: 00:06:40

if I need space, or if I need to be close, and what's going on.

Unknown: 00:06:45

So I'm totally confusing my partner, and yeah, are maybe

Unknown: 00:06:52

even passive aggressive. And it's my way to kind of channel

Unknown: 00:06:58

that pressure out of outside of me. And I know, it's not the way

Unknown: 00:07:03

to go. It's very disruptive.

Unknown: 00:07:07

So would you say that if you were more communicative to your

Unknown: 00:07:11

partner that and kind of bring them in on how you're feeling?

Unknown: 00:07:16

Do you think that that would kind of help alleviate that

Unknown: 00:07:20

pressure? And also, any kind of tension? because now you're sort

Unknown: 00:07:24

of bringing them into the fold of of what the issue is? Do you

Unknown: 00:07:27

think that that would be a solution?

Unknown: 00:07:31

Yeah, I'm totally aware that this would be the way to go. But

Unknown: 00:07:35

I still struggle with it, because I want to solve it on my

Unknown: 00:07:39

own. I don't want to burden the other person, which doesn't make

Unknown: 00:07:44

any sense, because how I behave is more exhausting and shitty

Unknown: 00:07:49

for them than if I was to communicate it. So there's still

Unknown: 00:07:53

kind of a, that has to be both for me to know, if I communicate

Unknown: 00:07:58

it. There's a good experience coming out, and I'm still not

Unknown: 00:08:03

there.

Unknown: 00:08:06

Okay. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's a, it's a journey. It really is.

Unknown: 00:08:11

And, you know, I don't I'm not sitting up here saying that, you

Unknown: 00:08:16

know, hey, I've got this figured out, you know, this is, you

Unknown: 00:08:19

know, I'm not I'm not, I'm not trying to sell you a course.

Unknown: 00:08:21

Right? I'm not trying to sell you a, anything that that's

Unknown: 00:08:25

telling you that I know, how I that I've fixed myself, I've

Unknown: 00:08:30

fixed a lot of parts of myself. But there are still those parts

Unknown: 00:08:34

that that you know, come out. And if I'm not, you know,

Unknown: 00:08:37

exercising good communication, if I'm not keeping myself in a

Unknown: 00:08:44

good space. And one of the things that's really important,

Unknown: 00:08:47

if I'm not acting like, my past is my, like, speaking about my

Unknown: 00:08:53

past is this, it's as if it's my present. That's a huge, you

Unknown: 00:08:59

know, because when we talk about things, and like, for me, it's

Unknown: 00:09:02

like, I'll say, Yeah, well, I'm not very smart at business, or

Unknown: 00:09:07

I'm not very, I'm not a good business person. Well, that's

Unknown: 00:09:09

not true. You know, I'm just uninformed about how to do some

Unknown: 00:09:15

parts of business, which makes me feel like, I'm not good at

Unknown: 00:09:18

the whole thing. And is, if I'm saying that about myself, I'm

Unknown: 00:09:22

actually willing it into existence. That what, that this

Unknown: 00:09:28

is, this is me, this is my truth. And that's not true. And

Unknown: 00:09:34

so when we can get away from talking about our past as if

Unknown: 00:09:38

it's our present, altogether, we eliminate that, that that self

Unknown: 00:09:45

fulfilling prophecy, right? I guess that's what you would call

Unknown: 00:09:49

it. And so yeah, that's really what what the key is here is

Unknown: 00:09:53

almost like figuring out how to almost like an addict, right?

Unknown: 00:09:57

Like a drug addict. You know, they got to figure out out what

Unknown: 00:10:00

their triggers are, you know, when I feel this way This

Unknown: 00:10:04

happens when I put myself in these situations over here, this

Unknown: 00:10:08

happens when I start feeling this way, what am I going to do

Unknown: 00:10:14

in order to make X, Y and Z not happen, right. And so those are

Unknown: 00:10:19

like mitigating things, mitigating bad outcomes from

Unknown: 00:10:26

happening. And a lot of that has to do with just playing the tape

Unknown: 00:10:29

out, right? Playing the scenario out in your head in before you,

Unknown: 00:10:35

you respond, you react emotionally, play the tape

Unknown: 00:10:40

through and respond intelligently. You got anything

Unknown: 00:10:46

to add to that?

Unknown: 00:10:48

What I want to add is that, like we're talking eye to eye, I

Unknown: 00:10:53

don't know if you say that in English, but we're one level and

Unknown: 00:10:56

every you notice something that I'm doing, like, even just in

Unknown: 00:11:01

our little interviews here, I take your advice, because I

Unknown: 00:11:06

don't feel you're above there, and I'm down here. And we have

Unknown: 00:11:10

different levels of healing. And if you see something where I

Unknown: 00:11:14

could hear more, feel free to throw that advice in here and I

Unknown: 00:11:18

will happily receive it. And I might do the same for you if

Unknown: 00:11:22

that's okay with you. Because at the beginning, he said, At no

Unknown: 00:11:26

point better than me, but we might have, like different

Unknown: 00:11:31

levels of healing. And yeah, I totally agree to what you just

Unknown: 00:11:37

said, in in being fixated on our past and saying, Yeah, this is

Unknown: 00:11:43

what happened to me in the past. And this is why I'm a victim

Unknown: 00:11:46

today. And this kind of gives me the green pass to behave that

Unknown: 00:11:51

way. That is not okay. Are you a victim? Or were you an abuser,

Unknown: 00:11:58

in both cases, cannot hold yourself in a box? Because

Unknown: 00:12:03

otherwise, you're going to keep behaving the same way and never

Unknown: 00:12:08

get out of it? Right? I think that's what what you were saying

Unknown: 00:12:13

when you talked about the past when we have to look at the past

Unknown: 00:12:18

and communicate about it. But we can't make it our identity and

Unknown: 00:12:24

give us excuse to hold on to it more and kind of stay stuck in

Unknown: 00:12:32

that in that past behavior. Just because we keep repeating the

Unknown: 00:12:38

story like talking about it. So yeah, very, very to

Unknown: 00:12:46

it's it's, it's, it's about how we wield our words, right, how

Unknown: 00:12:51

we how we spin our words and how we you know, the words that we

Unknown: 00:12:56

use, oftentimes create the story in our head and the narrative,

Unknown: 00:13:02

right. And a lot of what we do is so second nature, that it is

Unknown: 00:13:11

subconsciously, it's at the subconscious level, you know,

Unknown: 00:13:15

the behaviors that we did that we are using, like for myself,

Unknown: 00:13:18

some of the behaviors that I had were learned behaviors over

Unknown: 00:13:21

years of bad behavior. Right. And they have been ingrained in

Unknown: 00:13:27

so ingrained in what I do. From I'll give you a good example. So

Unknown: 00:13:33

I would come home, like I wouldn't have been doing

Unknown: 00:13:36

anything wrong. But I may have been somewhere where I shouldn't

Unknown: 00:13:40

have been, you know, maybe I was at a friend's house or maybe I

Unknown: 00:13:45

went to stop somewhere. And you know, to spend some money that I

Unknown: 00:13:51

don't want to fess up about right. Maybe I went and bought

Unknown: 00:13:56

something for myself and anything, right. And instead of

Unknown: 00:14:02

just being honest about it, my immediate response was I would

Unknown: 00:14:06

lie about it. You know, and it would be it was stupid. Like you

Unknown: 00:14:10

were like this, like, what are you even lying about that? Four?

Unknown: 00:14:13

That's so dumb. You know, there's no reason there's no

Unknown: 00:14:16

reason why you should have lied about that. I mean, you wouldn't

Unknown: 00:14:18

have gotten in trouble. But now when I would have to explain it.

Unknown: 00:14:24

Yeah, I it's like, I get caught up. In my words. It doesn't seem

Unknown: 00:14:31

like it seems like I was doing something worse than I was

Unknown: 00:14:34

actually doing when I'm trying to, you know, live my life my

Unknown: 00:14:39

way out of it. Right. And it just goes from one to the next

Unknown: 00:14:42

to the next to the next. I mean, it had all of these adverse

Unknown: 00:14:44

reactions. And in order to mitigate that, it was just like,

Unknown: 00:14:48

Man, these are the kind of behaviors that I have. I know

Unknown: 00:14:50

that I have them. And let's not let those behaviors rule my day.

Unknown: 00:14:57

Let's not let them control My outcomes for my relationships.

Unknown: 00:15:03

And let's let's break free of them. And so that's kind of what

Unknown: 00:15:07

I did. Does that kind of ring true true with you? Or how do

Unknown: 00:15:12

you feel about that? Did you have any behaviors like that,

Unknown: 00:15:14

that were like second nature to you that you kind of clung on to

Unknown: 00:15:18

that kept you not being able to progress? forward?

Unknown: 00:15:25

Yes, certainly, certainly, for me, lying was also a big part.

Unknown: 00:15:31

But a bigger part for me was, when I felt triggered, and the

Unknown: 00:15:35

trigger inside of me brought out feelings of powerlessness and

Unknown: 00:15:41

inferiority. I would totally like bite onto that problem, and

Unknown: 00:15:50

be so aggressive with any person that was going to come close to

Unknown: 00:15:54

me be someone trying to help me, or someone just there while I'm

Unknown: 00:16:02

still trying to figure stuff out. So that feeling of

Unknown: 00:16:09

powerlessness. So past week, it was, for instance, my phone that

Unknown: 00:16:14

just didn't function the way I needed it. And I just kept

Unknown: 00:16:18

telling myself, this is just a test to the universe is testing

Unknown: 00:16:22

me if I really want to do that podcast, and it was really like

Unknown: 00:16:25

a huge stick in my wheels. Like, I couldn't think anymore, I was

Unknown: 00:16:30

not creative anymore. And the people that live with me, the

Unknown: 00:16:34

people that surround me here and don't really have an escape

Unknown: 00:16:39

right now, because of COVID. I was either totally aggressive

Unknown: 00:16:45

with or totally shut them out. And because I wanted to figure

Unknown: 00:16:49

that stupid situation out and kind of like, an aggressive

Unknown: 00:16:54

Pitbull, or you know, who can get out of that mode anymore.

Unknown: 00:17:00

And yeah, lying is definitely part of that to them. Because

Unknown: 00:17:09

you kind of try to have the happy face on and keep people

Unknown: 00:17:13

close and in a good mood and help them out. But then at the

Unknown: 00:17:17

same time, you build up so much resentment, because you'd rather

Unknown: 00:17:21

them help you instead of having to put that happy face on. So I

Unknown: 00:17:27

don't allow myself to look weak in any kind. When I cry, it's

Unknown: 00:17:32

really because I held back for so many weeks. But everything

Unknown: 00:17:37

that happens before is trying to protect that soft spot that is

Unknown: 00:17:44

actually crying for help, but I don't allow it. I don't know if

Unknown: 00:17:48

that makes any sense. So if that was totally confusing right now.

Unknown: 00:17:53

No, but that was confusing.

Unknown: 00:17:56

Yeah. Yeah, no, that wasn't confusing at all. Actually, the

Unknown: 00:18:00

The funny thing about that is, is that when, when we can show

Unknown: 00:18:06

other people, our vulnerabilities, right, and our

Unknown: 00:18:09

weaknesses, those are actually our strengths. Right? The

Unknown: 00:18:16

ability to do that, but we've got ourselves so fooled, and

Unknown: 00:18:20

we've inverted the two, we make it seem like if that because I

Unknown: 00:18:26

have vulnerabilities and because I show weaknesses, like whether

Unknown: 00:18:31

it's, you know, emotionally or you know, whatever it is for

Unknown: 00:18:35

you. I mean, it manifests itself differently in everybody. I

Unknown: 00:18:39

think it's the opposite. I think that when you're in your truth,

Unknown: 00:18:45

and you're in, you're being authentic, and you're allowing

Unknown: 00:18:48

people to see the, the vulnerabilities in you. And I

Unknown: 00:18:54

think that I think that shows great strength.

Unknown: 00:18:58

Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:19:01

Just when you're in it, it is hard to, to then be that

Unknown: 00:19:08

vulnerable self person, because there's also that weird

Unknown: 00:19:13

connection of feeling like a burden to others and wanting to

Unknown: 00:19:17

be strong for others. And if we just know that, no, it's so

Unknown: 00:19:22

important to be vulnerable, because then the other person

Unknown: 00:19:25

can be the strong shoulder for you, otherwise they can't,

Unknown: 00:19:31

otherwise they're there and don't really know how to, like

Unknown: 00:19:35

behave around you. And if you soften up if you admit what's

Unknown: 00:19:40

going on inside of you, then you can actually create connection

Unknown: 00:19:44

and it's, it's a big step. It's a big step to to just let those

Unknown: 00:19:50

guards down and say, Hey, I reached a point where I need you

Unknown: 00:20:00

So you have to be so if I'm hearing you, right, so, one, you

Unknown: 00:20:05

have to be able to communicate these things. Right, that's,

Unknown: 00:20:09

that's one part of defusing sort of the situation because if

Unknown: 00:20:13

you're communicating and you're telling people, you know, how

Unknown: 00:20:16

they can, how they can assist you, or how they can help you

Unknown: 00:20:22

show up better or how they can show up better, you know, in, in

Unknown: 00:20:27

the situation, that's one thing, but then the other thing that

Unknown: 00:20:31

I'm hearing is that doesn't allow you to go any further than

Unknown: 00:20:36

that. And that's trust and lack of the lack of trust within

Unknown: 00:20:42

other people because whether it is you know, we're trying to

Unknown: 00:20:45

protect ourselves, we're not trying to get hurt. I do this a

Unknown: 00:20:51

lot and I just talked to this earlier to somebody that about

Unknown: 00:20:54

this earlier. So between my daughter and my dog, I give them

Unknown: 00:20:59

so much love, right? I am 100% like the kind of loving person

Unknown: 00:21:06

that you would want your significant other to be like to

Unknown: 00:21:09

be to get hugs and kisses and and to be playful with them and

Unknown: 00:21:13

to like you know, be silly and all of the things that you can

Unknown: 00:21:17

do once you trust somebody fully right and you know that they're

Unknown: 00:21:22

not going to hurt you I can't I can't do that with with the

Unknown: 00:21:27

opposite sex. But my girlfriend watches me do that with my dog

Unknown: 00:21:32

in my in my my daughter all the time.

Unknown: 00:21:36

Yeah, and she's probably why why not me and because she triggers

Unknown: 00:21:42

something in you that your daughter and your dog don't

Unknown: 00:21:45

probably

Unknown: 00:21:47

won't know it's just a lack of trust. It's because I don't

Unknown: 00:21:50

trust it's safe. It's safe there right? Because my dog is gonna

Unknown: 00:21:54

love me unconditionally no matter what. Right? No matter

Unknown: 00:21:57

what I do my daughter same thing you know of course and you know

Unknown: 00:22:01

if I did something wrong to her record that's a little bit

Unknown: 00:22:04

different because it's you're dealing with a human now. But

Unknown: 00:22:07

you know if you're if you're parenting the right way, you

Unknown: 00:22:11

want the best for your children. You want your your I want my

Unknown: 00:22:15

daughter to be safe and I want her to feel loved and I want her

Unknown: 00:22:18

to feel like she's important and I want her to feel I want her to

Unknown: 00:22:24

feel like I'll never leave her you know like she like she can

Unknown: 00:22:29

always count on me to be there for her and I have a hard time

Unknown: 00:22:35

doing

Unknown: 00:22:37

yeah

Unknown: 00:22:39

yeah and I have a hard time doing that with with with my

Unknown: 00:22:41

girlfriend or any opposite sex for that matter for probably the

Unknown: 00:22:44

last I would say 15 years you know maybe maybe even 20 years

Unknown: 00:22:51

there was a point where I just stopped trusting relationships

Unknown: 00:22:55

and you know for whatever reason probably because I was always

Unknown: 00:22:59

the one that burned them down. So maybe it will I just didn't

Unknown: 00:23:02

trust myself. I don't know like i said i'm not we're not a

Unknown: 00:23:08

mental health counselors. We don't we're not giving you

Unknown: 00:23:12

mental health advice. We're not giving you relationship advice.

Unknown: 00:23:15

We're not giving you any kind of advice all we're doing is

Unknown: 00:23:19

allowing you to be a fly on the wall have a conversation from

Unknown: 00:23:22

two people that struggled with sort of the same things but on

Unknown: 00:23:26

different spectrums of it and how we've gotten through it and

Unknown: 00:23:30

how we are you know, sort of navigating our are navigating

Unknown: 00:23:35

our way through it.

Unknown: 00:23:37

Exactly, exactly. Well said. Yeah, wish you is I think at the

Unknown: 00:23:45

root of like you and I are problem because if we were to

Unknown: 00:23:51

trust people fully we wouldn't need to lie we will need to hide

Unknown: 00:23:57

we will need to come up with some stupid manipulative ways to

Unknown: 00:24:02

keep people interested in us and stuff so what can we do about

Unknown: 00:24:08

this? How can we be like you and I are with our dogs How can we

Unknown: 00:24:13

be those warm trusting people that's that's what I would love

Unknown: 00:24:18

to Yeah, no and this is my goal. This is where I want to end up

Unknown: 00:24:24

one day and I feel what we're doing right now like it's only

Unknown: 00:24:30

the second episode I feel so much better already. Talking

Unknown: 00:24:34

about this and finding stuff about ourselves that can help us

Unknown: 00:24:40

to to get there.

Unknown: 00:24:44

Yeah, I agree. So you let's let's move into something else

Unknown: 00:24:51

because we're I what I'd like to try and do with these is keep

Unknown: 00:24:55

them to about a half an hour because those are consumable

Unknown: 00:24:57

pieces. When we start getting into To the to the half to the

Unknown: 00:25:01

half to the not to have over the 45 and one hour timeframes. I

Unknown: 00:25:06

feel like it unless you're driving super content, but even

Unknown: 00:25:11

then, it's I feel like the 30 minute mark is is the sweet

Unknown: 00:25:15

spot. I used to think it was 60. But now I believe it's 30. So

Unknown: 00:25:20

tell me, tell me what what you've been going through. And

Unknown: 00:25:22

I'll kind of check in on what I'm what my week's been through,

Unknown: 00:25:25

it might take us a little bit longer than 30 minutes, but

Unknown: 00:25:28

we're gonna try and do this and then and then wrap up.

Unknown: 00:25:32

Hmm. Yeah, so for me, it was a person from my poem who, like

Unknown: 00:25:39

wanted to keep in touch with me again. And yeah, for the last

Unknown: 00:25:45

year, I was very good at holding that person at distance. Because

Unknown: 00:25:53

Yeah, we went through some stuff where I behaved. Not good. And

Unknown: 00:25:59

his behavior was not awesome, either. But I felt my behavior

Unknown: 00:26:03

was more destructive. Because I needed to end things they were

Unknown: 00:26:07

not good for me anymore. And so now to going on a walk with that

Unknown: 00:26:15

person again and talking about that brought back all kinds of

Unknown: 00:26:21

Yeah, memories and guilt feelings and regrets that I

Unknown: 00:26:26

didn't know how to channel out in how to I don't want to say

Unknown: 00:26:34

behave around, but how to get rid of maybe even. So it was all

Unknown: 00:26:39

stuck inside of me because I thought I can't really talk

Unknown: 00:26:43

about this with anybody, because nobody knows what was really

Unknown: 00:26:47

going on. I kept everything to myself back then. And I'm just

Unknown: 00:26:51

gonna keep doing the same now. So I found myself really pushing

Unknown: 00:26:57

people away, that wanted to be close with me and getting like

Unknown: 00:27:02

rashes and headaches and sleepless nights and feeling

Unknown: 00:27:07

very uninspired, like not worthy of doing my podcast even

Unknown: 00:27:12

anymore. And so it was a huge mess in my head and in my life.

Unknown: 00:27:22

So to say, and, and now I'm feeling better.

Unknown: 00:27:27

But it

Unknown: 00:27:27

was being reminded of the past, I think of my past behavior that

Unknown: 00:27:33

totally threw me off of my solid train tracks that I thought I

Unknown: 00:27:39

was. What was it for you soon? Or if you want to add something

Unknown: 00:27:44

to this, feel free?

Unknown: 00:27:48

Yeah, that's why it's important, you know, because sometimes when

Unknown: 00:27:52

we think that we have it, we have it licked. Right, I guess

Unknown: 00:27:55

you would say, Oh, I got this. I got this, and I'm not even

Unknown: 00:27:59

trippin. I'm gonna that's not even a problem anymore. But

Unknown: 00:28:04

that's, that's your that's your subconscious tricking your ass.

Unknown: 00:28:07

Right? Because, you know, what? What are you going to do? If if

Unknown: 00:28:13

that footing isn't so solid? Right? What, what, what is your,

Unknown: 00:28:18

I guess you would say a word for that is like, what's your

Unknown: 00:28:22

parachute? You know, what's it? What are you going to fall back

Unknown: 00:28:26

on? You know, what is your plan? to not have to go through this

Unknown: 00:28:32

and what I mean by what is your plan. So I'm going to give an

Unknown: 00:28:35

analogy here. I'm an addict, I suffered from addiction, for

Unknown: 00:28:39

method of methamphetamines. I was addicted for 18 years. Then

Unknown: 00:28:43

I went into a seven year opiate addiction on pain pills. So when

Unknown: 00:28:46

I went and had surgery on my arm, it's been, you know, over

Unknown: 00:28:51

two years, since I've taken painkillers, I got prescribed

Unknown: 00:28:55

painkillers. And so what I had to do is I had to have a plan,

Unknown: 00:29:00

because I knew that they were going to offer them to me. So

Unknown: 00:29:03

what am I going to do about that? Right? Am I gonna not take

Unknown: 00:29:07

them? Am I gonna take them? Or like, like, what does that look

Unknown: 00:29:10

like? And so I created a plan before I even went to the

Unknown: 00:29:14

surgery, I had gotten my girlfriend to agree like, Hey,

Unknown: 00:29:17

man, when we bring these pills home, because I'm not gonna not

Unknown: 00:29:20

gonna take because I don't want to, I don't want to feel pain.

Unknown: 00:29:22

If this is gonna help me through it. I'm cool with it. But I want

Unknown: 00:29:28

you to hold on to them. And don't allow me to overuse them.

Unknown: 00:29:32

Because I probably will.

Unknown: 00:29:35

Yeah.

Unknown: 00:29:37

And so and then, and then too, when the doctor came and asked

Unknown: 00:29:40

me how many pills that I wanted. I mean, I guess I could have

Unknown: 00:29:43

said 50. I could have said I mean 100 would have been way too

Unknown: 00:29:46

much. But I just said Just give me 20 of them. I'm cool with

Unknown: 00:29:49

that way, you know, that's a good amount to get me through

Unknown: 00:29:53

the beginning part, and you get what I'm saying. So you got to

Unknown: 00:29:58

have a plan and that's and that goes the same way. way for when

Unknown: 00:30:00

you're trying to deal with people or you're trying to deal

Unknown: 00:30:03

with your old behaviors, you got to have a plan for when they

Unknown: 00:30:07

show up, right? For when that that stuff comes out, and you

Unknown: 00:30:14

haven't dealt with it, or you haven't talked it out, or you

Unknown: 00:30:16

haven't talked to somebody close to you to like relief relief,

Unknown: 00:30:20

the pressure valve, right? Sorry, let some of that let some

Unknown: 00:30:24

of that out. And that happens when when you talk to people

Unknown: 00:30:27

like what we're doing right now, that's, that's letting some of

Unknown: 00:30:29

that pressure out. Some of what I want to talk talk about in

Unknown: 00:30:37

word 30. So when I was in my using in my addiction with my X,

Unknown: 00:30:46

hey, Louis, how are you? Um, we. So my behavior when I was an

Unknown: 00:30:57

addict, with my ex, my, my daughter's mom's, I have two

Unknown: 00:31:00

daughters, one of them I had when I was younger, and she's

Unknown: 00:31:05

21. Now, I got those parental rights taken away from me. And

Unknown: 00:31:10

her mom, her mom filed to have my rights terminated. Because

Unknown: 00:31:15

not because of anything that I did to my daughter or anything

Unknown: 00:31:17

like that, but just because of my behavior and my addiction. I

Unknown: 00:31:21

had done something, you know, she, I kind of screwed her over

Unknown: 00:31:26

pretty big time. And so that was her way of doing it. I could

Unknown: 00:31:30

have contested it, but I chose not to. I chose not to because I

Unknown: 00:31:34

chose addiction in my in partying over, over my my

Unknown: 00:31:38

responsibilities as a father. And so I yeah, and so I excused

Unknown: 00:31:45

it away by saying, you know what, she's probably better off

Unknown: 00:31:47

without me. And you know, I made all these excuses in my mind as

Unknown: 00:31:52

to why this would be the best choice for, for for me, you

Unknown: 00:31:56

know, but but disguising it as the best choice for her. Right?

Unknown: 00:32:00

That little level game we played to rationalize our behavior. So

Unknown: 00:32:06

fast forward, I went to prison, all that happened, I would lie

Unknown: 00:32:10

about it when I tell the story. And I would say that, oh, yeah,

Unknown: 00:32:13

she waited till I went to prison. And then she had me

Unknown: 00:32:16

served. That's, that's bullshit. That didn't happen that way. I

Unknown: 00:32:21

chose not I chose not to, to contest it not show up and party

Unknown: 00:32:26

in and not come to the court date. So three, you know, years

Unknown: 00:32:33

have gone by I went I you know, I got out of prison. And I found

Unknown: 00:32:38

them. And I made contact. You know, I didn't talk to him. I

Unknown: 00:32:45

didn't do any of that stuff. But I mean, I talked to him through

Unknown: 00:32:49

messenger. And then not too, not maybe about two, two years ago,

Unknown: 00:32:54

I found her on Instagram. And we've been talking back and

Unknown: 00:32:57

forth. I, I don't I didn't know how to navigate that situation.

Unknown: 00:33:02

Because it's like, yeah, I'm your biological dad. But I'm not

Unknown: 00:33:07

your father. Right? Because a father is all these other things

Unknown: 00:33:14

that I didn't do. Right? Like, I would consider myself a father

Unknown: 00:33:18

to my daughter, my daughter that I have now my three and a half

Unknown: 00:33:21

year old, because I'm involved in her life. I'm there every

Unknown: 00:33:24

day. I'm you know, supporting her physically, financially,

Unknown: 00:33:30

mentally, and all that stuff. And this one I didn't do that

Unknown: 00:33:33

for so it just like navigating that whole system, like what do

Unknown: 00:33:36

you even like, where do you even start with that, right? And so I

Unknown: 00:33:39

kind of half assed the, sometimes I would say, Hey, you

Unknown: 00:33:43

know, sometimes I just get busy and not say anything. So what I

Unknown: 00:33:48

think happened is it made her seem or feel like I wasn't

Unknown: 00:33:52

interested. Like,

Unknown: 00:33:56

I don't, you know, I don't want to kind of be in your I mean, I

Unknown: 00:34:00

could be in your life, or I could not be in your life, you

Unknown: 00:34:02

know, I could take it or leave it. That's kind of like, what I

Unknown: 00:34:05

think what I was presenting. And so that went on for a while. And

Unknown: 00:34:11

just recently, within the last, I would say three or four days,

Unknown: 00:34:16

she's reached out to me, and wants to have a relationship and

Unknown: 00:34:21

wants to get to know me and wants to go down that path of,

Unknown: 00:34:26

you know, whatever that is, and, you know, whatever that's going

Unknown: 00:34:30

to look like for us as we're trying to figure this out. And I

Unknown: 00:34:35

knew that I knew that. I knew there would be a day that this

Unknown: 00:34:38

would be that, that possibly this could happen, right?

Unknown: 00:34:42

Because everybody always said, Well, you know, most daughters

Unknown: 00:34:45

want to know who their dad are, who their dad is, and she's

Unknown: 00:34:48

always gonna want to know that and she's gonna want to know

Unknown: 00:34:51

what the story is. You know, cuz she'll hear one from her mom,

Unknown: 00:34:55

which I don't know what that is. I haven't even we haven't even

Unknown: 00:34:57

gotten even into that and I don't really even care you No,

Unknown: 00:35:00

that's not, that doesn't matter to me. We were both probably way

Unknown: 00:35:03

different people back then than we are now. So that's kind of

Unknown: 00:35:09

where I'm at. And that's the the things that I'm dealing with

Unknown: 00:35:12

this week. And so there's a part of me that's really, really

Unknown: 00:35:16

happy. And wow, that, yeah, that maybe I might get a chance to,

Unknown: 00:35:31

to fix those mistakes, right? That I had in the past, and I

Unknown: 00:35:40

don't know what that's gonna look like. I don't know what

Unknown: 00:35:50

that's gonna look like. And it's kind of scary.

Unknown: 00:36:00

It is scary, because it's very uncertain. And at the same time,

Unknown: 00:36:05

it's so big and beautiful. And it could finally help you to let

Unknown: 00:36:09

go of all the guilt and shame that you felt around that story.

Unknown: 00:36:13

Right?

Unknown: 00:36:17

Oh, sorry, everybody didn't mean to, to get there. But there's a

Unknown: 00:36:24

lot more. There's a lot more under that than that. I you

Unknown: 00:36:27

know, I'm kind of like trying to hold back. But when, when that

Unknown: 00:36:32

time actually comes when we actually meet again, and it's

Unknown: 00:36:37

been since she was 18 months. The last time I seen her she was

Unknown: 00:36:40

18 months old. And she's 21 now, and I'm probably going to lose

Unknown: 00:36:47

my shit. I'm not gonna lie. I'm probably gonna cry like a

Unknown: 00:36:51

fucking baby. And like, like the convulsion kind, right? The

Unknown: 00:36:57

uncontrollable kind? Because there's a lot of pain wrapped in

Unknown: 00:37:00

there, man.

Unknown: 00:37:02

Exactly. Yeah. And for so long, my God, 21 years and but you

Unknown: 00:37:09

know what, I think it's exactly that reaction that every

Unknown: 00:37:13

daughter, who is seeking out her dad secretly wants, you know,

Unknown: 00:37:19

wants the emotional, soft and warm kind of reaction and

Unknown: 00:37:26

embracing her and just being happy that everything is over

Unknown: 00:37:31

now, and you guys get to have a new start.

Unknown: 00:37:35

Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. But I'm scared either. I have all these

Unknown: 00:37:39

emotions. Hey, joy, how are you? Thanks for joining the

Unknown: 00:37:42

broadcast. Joy is one of my patreon subscribers and one of

Unknown: 00:37:47

my people that support the show and appreciate you. It's

Unknown: 00:37:53

probably not assigned to you that you probably thought you

Unknown: 00:37:55

would see from me, but

Unknown: 00:38:00

a very beautiful one.

Unknown: 00:38:03

So yeah, we have so so here we go. If we're gonna wrap this up

Unknown: 00:38:08

here, cuz it'd be 40 minutes is cool. If you want to be on the

Unknown: 00:38:15

show, if you want to reach out to the show, you got a story

Unknown: 00:38:19

that that, you know, maybe you were one of these people, or

Unknown: 00:38:23

maybe you were somebody who was on the other side of it, and was

Unknown: 00:38:28

affected by an abusive person. And you and you, and if you

Unknown: 00:38:33

don't, if you want to come on the show, write an email, right?

Unknown: 00:38:36

shoot us an email and let us know, the email will be GGG let

Unknown: 00:38:42

me find it. Nowhere to go, but up now@gmail.com you go. Go

Unknown: 00:38:50

right there. And put together an email, if you don't want to be

Unknown: 00:38:55

on the show, and you just want to give us your story. And maybe

Unknown: 00:38:58

we'll read it on air. And, you know, and answer questions about

Unknown: 00:39:02

it. That's, that's possible, too. You can do that as well.

Unknown: 00:39:06

You know, like I said, the point here is to get real, and get

Unknown: 00:39:13

vulnerable, and get honest with who we were. And until we can do

Unknown: 00:39:22

that, or you can do that if you're somebody who's struggling

Unknown: 00:39:25

with some of the same things. You're never going to progress

Unknown: 00:39:29

until you get real and honest with who you were. And the only

Unknown: 00:39:36

way over over stuff like that is through it. And talking about it

Unknown: 00:39:41

and not hiding from it. And being honest about it has been

Unknown: 00:39:47

one of the key things that has made it so I can heal from it,

Unknown: 00:39:53

honestly. And so, you know, that's just what I want my own

Unknown: 00:39:58

message there. Do you got anything parting words.

Unknown: 00:40:02

Those are very, very beautiful words. And all I can add is that

Unknown: 00:40:08

it be so wonderful to have more people sharing their stories

Unknown: 00:40:13

here. And we're all in this together, we can all learn from

Unknown: 00:40:16

each other. And we can support each other through that time of

Unknown: 00:40:22

change and uncertainty, because it's sometimes very scary to let

Unknown: 00:40:26

go of an old story and pain and how how am I who am I when I

Unknown: 00:40:32

don't feel pain when I don't feel shame? So don't hesitate.

Unknown: 00:40:38

And yeah, support our little show here and do yourself good

Unknown: 00:40:43

to

Unknown: 00:40:45

thank you. Thank you joy, we appreciate that. And then also

Unknown: 00:40:49

two words, we're still working things out, you know, we did the

Unknown: 00:40:51

last one on zoom. And I didn't like the audio, this one here

Unknown: 00:40:55

looks like it may have a little bit of issues with with your

Unknown: 00:41:00

your connection, because it's you're blurry, but the audio is

Unknown: 00:41:04

good. So that's really what this is, is like we want to do with

Unknown: 00:41:09

these anyways, is that we want we wanted better audio. So we

Unknown: 00:41:12

used stream yard so we can both upload these. What's that?

Unknown: 00:41:19

Sorry, sorry, that's

Unknown: 00:41:20

the home phone.

Unknown: 00:41:23

Alright, and so we want to be able to put these up on our

Unknown: 00:41:27

podcast platforms, you know, on the like, like iTunes, Spotify.

Unknown: 00:41:33

And so we're gonna take the audio from this, and then she'll

Unknown: 00:41:35

upload them to her her podcast, which is the Borealis

Unknown: 00:41:38

experience. Go ahead and play actually go ahead and plug plug

Unknown: 00:41:42

which where you are.

Unknown: 00:41:44

Um, so yeah, the Borealis experience is on Spotify, on

Unknown: 00:41:49

Apple on Deezer, and many, many other platforms, you can visit

Unknown: 00:41:55

my homepage, the boreal experience.com and listen there,

Unknown: 00:42:02

or you will be directed to your favorite host.

Unknown: 00:42:08

Yes. All right. And then also for me, you know, you can you

Unknown: 00:42:12

can contact me at the email there, or you can go to my link

Unknown: 00:42:15

tree, which is probably the easiest place up, same thing,

Unknown: 00:42:19

it's probably the easiest place to get ahold of me, because

Unknown: 00:42:22

that's for every place that I'm at, you can go and support my

Unknown: 00:42:27

nonprofit, if you want to learn more about that you can go and

Unknown: 00:42:31

you know, if you like what I'm doing, and you you know, want to

Unknown: 00:42:34

buy me a coffee, you can do that as well, that there's tabs in

Unknown: 00:42:39

that link tree to buy me a coffee, you can do comments per

Unknown: 00:42:42

subscriber like joy is to my Patreon, where you know, you can

Unknown: 00:42:46

be a $1.02 to 135 and $10 levels of where you can, you can

Unknown: 00:42:52

subscribe and each tier has different perks. So you can go

Unknown: 00:42:57

over there and figure all that out. And I believe all of that

Unknown: 00:43:00

is available in the description, direct links to all that stuff,

Unknown: 00:43:05

especially in and for Aurora herself. So if you like what

Unknown: 00:43:09

we're doing, and you think that this is a good idea, please let

Unknown: 00:43:14

us know, reach out and let us know what we can do different

Unknown: 00:43:18

topics that you think that we can talk about that fit in with

Unknown: 00:43:21

this sort of narrative here. And we'd like to hear from you.

Unknown: 00:43:27

Yes.

Unknown: 00:43:28

Alright. So until, yeah, thank you, again, Aurora. I really

Unknown: 00:43:33

appreciate that. And, you know, until next time, we're going to

Unknown: 00:43:38

try and figure out a schedule to do this maybe every two weeks,

Unknown: 00:43:42

maybe every three weeks. I'm not sure exactly where we're at with

Unknown: 00:43:45

it. This is the second time that we've done it. So go check out

Unknown: 00:43:48

the first one. Because if you want to learn who we were in the

Unknown: 00:43:52

kind of behavior that we that we did, that's all in that first

Unknown: 00:43:55

episode. So yes, I hope you guys have a great rest of your week.

Unknown: 00:44:01

great weekend. Figure out if you struggle with any of this stuff.

Unknown: 00:44:08

You know, figure it out. And if you're struggling with something

Unknown: 00:44:11

to the point where you don't know if you're gonna hurt

Unknown: 00:44:13

yourself or somebody else, seek out help call the hotlines,

Unknown: 00:44:17

which we should have, you know, that's what we should do the

Unknown: 00:44:20

next time we should have like links and phone numbers for

Unknown: 00:44:25

suicide prevention and mental health emergencies and stuff

Unknown: 00:44:29

like that, that we can flash up as well. Because since we are

Unknown: 00:44:32

not licensed counselors, the least that we can do is direct

Unknown: 00:44:36

you to a place where you can get some help from people that that

Unknown: 00:44:40

are licensed.

Unknown: 00:44:43

Yes. Very good idea, Shawn.

Unknown: 00:44:45

Yeah. All right. So we're out of here. Have a great weekend. And

Unknown: 00:44:51

keep it 100 and stay true to yourself.

Unknown: 00:44:55

Yes,

Unknown: 00:44:56

thank you so much, john, and you soon again.

Unknown: 00:45:00

Bye