Michael says he always knew he was adopted and spoke openly about it with anyone who expressed curiosity. However, when he launched his search, he didn’t feel like he could share those details openly with his adopted mother. When he found his birth mother, she told Michael she always knew he would find her. To continue his search for his birth father, she encouraged Michael to connect with his half-brother by another woman but forewarned Michael that his birth father didn’t know of his existence. But it turned out there was a lot more Michael’s father didn’t know… about himself.

The post 045 – This Child Will Find Me appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Michael (00:05):

She said before her mother passed away, she was saying, you should really find your, your, your sons. And I think she might've been looking on her own before she died, because her DNAs on 23 and me, and it's my number one hit.

Damon (00:27):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Michael. He's a theater teacher in New Jersey. He says he always knew he was adopted and spoke openly about it with anyone who expressed curiosity. But when he launched his search, he didn't feel like he could share those details openly with his adopted mother, when he found his birth mother, she told Michael, she always knew he would find her to continue his search for his birth father. She encouraged Michael to connect with his half brother by another woman. But for warned Michael, that his birth father didn't know of his existence, it turned out there was a lot more that Michael's father didn't know about himself. This is Michael's journey. Michael grew up with three siblings, one adopted sister, three years older than himself and twin siblings born to his parents, whom they brought home from the hospital exactly two years to the day after they brought him home. Michael was so comfortable with how his family was formed. He openly shared that he's an adoptee with everyone. When he eventually found his birth parents, he went back to his adopted mother to ask when she actually told him he was adopted.

Michael (01:59):

People always ask me, when did you know, you know, how old were you when you found out you were adopted? And I, I don't remember being told that I was adopted. I, I just have always known. Um, and when I've spoken to, when this whole thing happened with my birth parents and I spoke to my adopted mother and I asked her, I said, when did you tell me? Cause I don't remember. I don't remember. And she said that they were taught, you know, through the adoption agency, you know, they, they were advised by them to tell, to tell me, as, as young, as even in the crib telling, you know, you're loved and you're, you're, you know, you you're special and all this stuff. And so I guess it just was always known to me, uh, and growing up, you know, I was very open about it.

Michael (02:48):

I, I, I guess, cause it, cause I'm an actor. I really don't have, I wasn't shy as a kid. Let's just say, so I would, I'd be with my, my brother, you know, in a playground and people would say, are, you know, are you, are you two brothers? And I'd say, yeah. And they say, how come you don't look anything alike? And I'd say I’m adopted. And I'm like seven years old, you know? And my mother would say, you don't have to tell people that. I said, well, why, you know? So it was just second nature to me.

Damon (03:16):

Yeah. You told me why wouldn't I tell other people?

Michael (03:19):

exactly. I mean, I get what the big deal was. Yeah.

Damon (03:23):

As he got older through high school and college, Michael continued to be open about his adoption, which seemed to fascinate whomever. He was talking to friends, girlfriends, and other people had so many questions. Like, do you ever want to find your birth family? But their line of questioning was always kind of strange for him. And he never wanted to explore their inquiries further. He just didn't want to go there. And it took him until he was 45 years old to do so I asked Michael what he would say to people about why he didn't want to search.

Michael (03:56):

I never really had an answer. I would always kind of downplay it. Like I, you know, I don't know. It's not something I think about or, you know, I would have some kind of, you know, dismissive remark that it really wasn't something I really was interested in. Yeah. Well I would say, yeah, you know, I think about it, but you know, and I would kind of, I wouldn't really engage any further in it and they'd say, well, you know, if they went any further, like, well, have you ever thought about, would you ever search? I go, I don't know. Maybe someday, you know, I never really took a definitive stance on it. And it's probably because I really didn't know. My answer was always, I don't know. I kind of never, I felt like I never really wanted to completely go there and really, really think about it because it's something that I was always with me. And I always kind of thought about it, but actually going and searching and finding, uh, you know, it, it took me till 45 years old to even go there.

Damon (04:53):

Wow. That's really fascinating. Michael added that, even though he didn't feel a strong desire to search, he was always protective of his adoptive mother's feelings too. He said she's a fairly sensitive person which played into his apprehension about the process. So I wondered if Michael didn't begin searching until he was 45 years old. What fired up his curiosity after avoiding the search for so long, he said that his parents divorced around the year 2000 and he was estranged from his adopted father for about 16 years. But when they reconnected one night over dinner, his father brought a story about his own brother Michael's uncle learning through ancestry.com that his father Michael's grandfather must have had two daughters out of wedlock. Michael's dad shared that he suddenly had half siblings and that got Michael thinking

Michael (05:45):

that night I was driving home with my girlfriend and I said, ah, I wonder if I have any half siblings, I should, I should do ancestry. And that's kind of what led to it. Wow. Um, and now ancestry didn't lead me really anywhere other than for the first time I knew my ethnicity, which was kind of cool. what did you think you were previously and what did you learn that you were

Michael (06:11):

well, um, growing up, when I used to ask my parents, what am, what am I? And my parents gave me this answer that always felt like it always felt like a stock answer, like a, like a fake answer. My father is, uh, half Irish and half Lithuanian. And my mother is a hundred percent Italian growing up. So my mom, when I would ask them this question, they would say you, uh, you're half Irish and half Italian, except your mother's Irish and your father's Italian. And I always thought that sounds like a, such a made up answer that they just switched. It.

Damon (06:50):

It turns out Michael's about 45% Irish, 19% Italian and 26% German, which we'll cover later. So of course, through ancestry.com, Michael discovered a cadre of distant cousins, but it didn't really lead to any deep connections. 23 and me had the same disappointing results turning to Facebook. Michael joined groups like DNA detectives and search squad. He had been bitten by the bug of desire to learn more. He learned that he was adopted through Catholic charities. So he sent away for the application for them to begin their search. A member of the online groups explained that he could get his original birth certificate because he lived in New Jersey. He mailed in his OBC application to the state.

Michael (07:35):

And literally, I think it was the same day that the birth certificate arrived. I got the application from Catholic charities. Wow. That's crazy. It was weird. It was like right around the same time, odd serendipity. Right. Exactly. And I remember after I opened the envelope, I called Catholic charities and said, I got your, I got the application. Turns out I don't need it because I got my birth certificate. Um, and Catholic charities, you know, the woman didn't say, well, what are, you know, what are you, what do you know? What, what does it say? And I told them what it said. And she was able to actually confirm, you know, she over the phone. She said, well, yeah, that, that is, that is the name that I see here in front of me. So that was kind of cool. You know, she couldn't, she couldn't tell me the name, but once I said, is it this?

Michael (08:21):

They said, yes. So, so the birth certificate, I opened it up and I see for the first thing I saw was Matthew. And I kinda like looked at it and then like put it down and said, Oh my God, there's a name on there. And I was with my girlfriend and she was like, open it, read it. And I was like, I'm afraid to, I didn't, I was so much emotion. And I saw the name, Matthew and then that, and I said, that was, I said, that's my birth name? That's, that's the name I was given at birth Matthew. And I saw my mother's name, Loretta. Oh, you know, all of a sudden I was like, wow, that's her name? You know, it was like this weird, crazy feeling becomes, it becomes real very quickly. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything else matched up. As far as my birthday and where I was born, that stuff I knew on the bottom, it said number of previous live births before this birth or something like that. And it's a two and it's a date of most previous live birth. And it was three years before I was born. So I said, Oh, I have siblings.

Damon (09:34):

So Michael has his birth mother's name Loretta from his OBC. He also learned that he had two older siblings, which made him super curious about who they were. Were they brothers or sisters? Were they adopted too? He went back to the closed Facebook groups with the updated information.

Michael (09:52):

I, if it, if it, if it was 35 seconds, somebody said founder. Wow. And they found her Facebook page. Uh, somebody else found her mother's obituary. Uh, and all of a sudden there she is, I'm looking at her on Facebook and yeah. And I looked at her and the name obviously didn't ring a bell. But when I looked at her, it was instantaneous. I knew really in your own face in hers. Oh yeah, absolutely. Wow. Yeah.

Damon (10:25):

Before you go on that, tell me, take me back for a quick second to that moment. When you saw that you had two older siblings, what did that feel like for you?

Michael (10:35):

My, my initial reaction was kind of just curiosity, like who are like, well, who are they? Because, you know, and, and what are they adopted? Or, you know what, you know, what's the, who, who are, who are these two siblings? Are they male? Are they females? You know, it was more curiosity. It was once I found her on Facebook. Oh. And somebody else on Facebook found because the birth date was there and her name was there and where he was born was there. They found him instantly too. And so I knew his name, his name is Julian. Um, the most recent one. And when I looked at her Facebook page, Julian's on the Facebook page with her. That was when I had a, uh, uh, a reaction, I guess you could say was what I knew that Julian is still with her. Yeah. Yeah. That's a huge question, Mark. Isn't it? Yes. And so that was the first question of why did, why was, why did she keep Julian and, and, and, and give me up. And also once I looked through the Facebook page, I saw there was a third sibling younger than me. Wow. Yeah. So she left, she had four sons in total.

Damon (11:54):

I asked Michael what scenarios came to mind about why he was placed for adoption, but his siblings were not. He wondered if he was conceived out of wedlock. He pondered whether he was the product of a rape Michael's mind was reeling, trying to figure out what might have happened outside of Loretta's marriage. Michael had located her information on Facebook and he was tempted to reach out right at that moment. But he held off for a day. He sent her a note through Facebook messenger, but there was no response. Michael dug a little deeper and discovered Loretta had a Facebook business page, which also had a Gmail address to contact her. He did some research on how to write his introductory email, keeping things vague, simply saying things like, I believe we may be related. And if I contacted you in error, please accept my apology. She wrote back in 30 minutes

Michael (12:46):

and she wrote me back and she was like overjoyed. She said, yes, I am that you reached the right person. I am your birth mother. I've been waiting for you to, um, to meet you for all these years. And I hope that you'll want to talk with me on the phone. And, and I saw that email pop up on my laptop in front of me. And I was like, Oh my God. She wrote me back. And I, and I was so afraid to open it because I was like, I didn't want it to be like, you know, don't ever contact me.

Damon (13:19):

Yeah. So flat rejection. But she, you were vague in your introduction, like, Hey, we might kind of be related. And she's like, I'm your birth mom? That's amazing.

Michael (13:27):

Yes. Yeah. She's, that's how she is though. She's very, very openhearted, very, very emotive, uh, you know, very, you know, she's, she's a crier and a gusher, you know, that's just how she is. As I got to know her. So

Damon (13:46):

they spoke on the phone that same night, Michael called her through heavy nerves. He was shaking. His mouth was dry and his stomach was all knotted up. She told him later, she felt the same way. But what she said on the phone was both moving and jarring.

Michael (14:04):

I learned a lot, obviously on that first phone call, my mother, what did she say? Well, you know, first of all, she said, I wanted to tell you why I never tried to find you. And she, that was the, she felt, that was the first thing that she needed to say. And she said that she made a decision after I was born, that she said she would never interfere or try to insert herself into my life, but that she would remain open to me...