Shownotes
[18+] One year later, Jace looks for answers at his campus LGBT+ alliance, but is terrified that they may leave him feeling even more alienated.
Today’s story is the second and final part of “An Alien in Our Midst” by Ty Fox, a furry author who focuses on telling stories centered around LGBT+ experiences. He has recently published a full-length gay romance novel, Gravitational Pull, which is now available for purchase. You can find more of his stories on his SoFurry account.
Last time, Jace struggled with the fact that his erotic fantasies don’t involve being intimate with his girlfriend, Dani, despite the fact that he loves her very much and wants to keep being in a relationship. He doesn’t understand why he is the way he is – only that he’s very different from everyone he knows. Things came to a head between them during a Valentine’s Day date, where she expressed her confusion and frustration that he doesn’t want her in that way. The date ended early and awkwardly, with Jace realizing that things ultimately won’t work out between them because of his asexuality.
Read by Solomon Harries, cuddly badger dad.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/18-an-alien-in-our-midst-by-ty-fox-part-2-of-2
Transcripts
Today's story concerns adult subject matter for mature listeners.
Speaker:If that's not your cup of tea,
Speaker:or there are youngsters listening,
Speaker:please skip this one
Speaker:and come back for another story another time.
Speaker:You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the second and final part of
Speaker:“An Alien in Our Midst”
Speaker:by Ty Fox, a furry author who focuses on telling stories centered around LGBT+
Speaker:experiences.
Speaker:He has recently published a full-length gay romance novel,
Speaker:Gravitational Pull,
Speaker:which is now available for purchase.
Speaker:You can find more of his stories
Speaker:on his SoFurry account.
Speaker:Last time, Jace struggled with the fact that his erotic fantasies
Speaker:don’t involve being intimate with his girlfriend, Dani,
Speaker:despite the fact that he loves her very much and wants to keep being in a relationship.
Speaker:He doesn’t understand why he is the way he is –
Speaker:only that he’s very different from everyone he knows.
Speaker:Things came to a head between them during a Valentine’s Day date,
Speaker:where she expressed her confusion and frustration
Speaker:that he doesn’t want her in that way.
Speaker:The date ended early and awkwardly,
Speaker:with Jace realizing that things ultimately
Speaker:won’t work out between them
Speaker:because of his asexuality.
Speaker:Read by Solomon Harries,
Speaker:cuddly badger dad. Stories, as has been said, like this must be told.
Speaker:Either you have experience of the alienation that comes
Speaker:when you have never heard any story in which you can see yourself,
Speaker:or you do not, and if it is the latter,
Speaker:why then it is thanks to someone who was determined enough to tell stories such as these, a story such as this. Without such
Speaker:stories,
Speaker:it is perilously difficult
Speaker:for queer youth to escape the feeling that they are:
Speaker:“An Alien in Our Midst”
Speaker:by Ty Fox, Part 2
Speaker:of 2 One year later
Speaker:Three p.m. Friday – that long-awaited moment every week when I can finally take a deep breath
Speaker:and bask in the relief that the weekend is finally here.
Speaker:It’s particularly sweet today,
Speaker:as I’ve just finished a pretty harrowing midterm –
Speaker:goddamn linear algebra –
Speaker:and now mid-winter break begins, so I can look forward to a few extra days of no classes.
Speaker:As I exit the math building,
Speaker:I’m bombarded by a flurry of snowflakes hitting me at a near-horizontal angle,
Speaker:forcing me to pull the hood of my parka over my head
Speaker:to shield myself from the worst of it.
Speaker:I just had to choose a college in a state that has even harsher winters than the one I grew up in.
Speaker:Autumn on campus –
Speaker:the most beautiful I’ve ever seen,
Speaker:with leaves of shades ranging from yellow to orange to red to brown
Speaker:and everything in between covering every inch of the sprawling quads –
Speaker:had lasted barely a couple of months and feels so long ago now.
Speaker:I’ve been told by upperclassmen it won’t be until May that spring finally arrives,
Speaker:so I guess I’ll just have to rough it for the next couple of months.
Speaker:I bound down hundred-year-old stone steps and hurriedly make my way to the main road.
Speaker:The campus is roughly organized in an ‘L’ shape
Speaker:and I’m about at the elbow.
Speaker:To my left, the north end where all of the freshman dorms are, mine included.
Speaker:Today especially, I want nothing more than to crash in bed until the dining halls open for dinner,
Speaker:but instead I take a right off the main path towards the student center.
Speaker:The campus LGBTQIA+ group meeting is in half an hour.
Speaker:The icy sidewalk bites into my paw pads.
Speaker:Snow-laden gusts of wind pelt me in the face.
Speaker:The thought that I’m only getting farther away from my room – that
Speaker:for every step I take towards the student center, I add another to the return trip –
Speaker:nags at me. But still I press onward, braving the elements, even though it’s getting harder and harder to justify to myself
Speaker:why I’ve been going to these.
Speaker:The truth is, as sure as I had been at the time,
Speaker:Dani’s suggestion that I might be gay the night
Speaker:things fell apart
Speaker:has never been far from my mind.
Speaker:The breakup itself had been a mere formality after that,
Speaker:but we’d managed to keep things amicable between us.
Speaker:I still loved her –
Speaker:and her me. But she was going to school fifteen hundred miles away,
Speaker:and our conversations had grown shorter and more infrequent as time passed.
Speaker:The last time we’d spoken –
Speaker:a ten-minute phone call for New
Speaker:Year’s – we’d barely said anything of substance to each other until she dropped on me that she was seeing a guy in her freshman writing seminar.
Speaker:I’d had to hold back tears when I told her that I was happy for her.
Speaker:The last thing she’d left me with before we hung up was that she knew I would find someone right for me.
Speaker:I could barely choke out goodbye to her afterward.
Speaker:I don’t expect that either of us will reach out to the other again.
Speaker:Five minutes of gloomy walking later,
Speaker:I’m knocking the snow from the hems of my jeans and drying my paws on a heated mat inside the squat, gray building housing the student center.
Speaker:The orientation packet I’d gotten over the summer had mentioned that the school was going to break ground on a new one sometime this year,
Speaker:but according to one of my friends, that’s a promise that’d gone unfulfilled for going on five years now.
Speaker:The administrators must have had better things to do with our tuition money,
Speaker:like pay themselves six-figure salaries.
Speaker:I try to avoid the puddles of slush left by other students on the linoleum tile as I make my way to the very back of the building.
Speaker:Wooden doors with frosted glass windows, indistinguishable from one another save for the faded black paint of their room numbers,
Speaker:surround me on either side as I pad down the narrow hallway.
Speaker:The sounds of cheerful, vaguely familiar voices grow in volume as I approach the classroom where this meeting is held every week.
Speaker:When I’m finally standing in front of the door – Room C-127, though the ‘C’ is half peeled off –
Speaker:I pause. I can only see the blobby outlines of the club members through the window,
Speaker:but the door does little to muffle their conversations.
Speaker:Bubbly excitement for the frat parties they’re going to attend this weekend,
Speaker:commiseration over recent dates that went sideways,
Speaker:relief after recent exams.
Speaker:Normal topics. Nothing like the thoughts preoccupying me now.
Speaker:What am I even doing here?
Speaker:A light tap on my shoulder and the clearing of someone’s throat behind me jar me out of my stupor.
Speaker:Whirling around, I come face to face with one of the regular attendees
Speaker:whose name was short, I think it was Bea?
Speaker:The dark-furred sable’s sleek, well-groomed coat bears no natural markings,
Speaker:but the dyed tips of her head fur and matching nail polish make her stand out.
Speaker:She seems to change the color on a whim –
Speaker:I’ve seen no less than three different ones in as many meetings –
Speaker:and today’s is neon red.
Speaker:Her clothes are grungy, but fashionably so – ripped and faded in precise locations to give them a ‘vintage’ appearance off the shelf.
Speaker:I’ve always found her cute –
Speaker:very different from Dani, but still cute –
Speaker:not that I would ever dare ask her or anyone else out for the same inescapable reason that had brought me here in the first place. “Uh,
Speaker:do you mind?” She flicks her ear in irritation,
Speaker:drawing my eyes to the tricolor piercing through the tip –
Speaker:three interleaved bands of pink, purple, and blue.
Speaker:I recognize them as the colors of one of the many orientation-specific flags,
Speaker:although I’m not sure which one.
Speaker:“Oh!” I hadn’t realized that I was blocking the door, so I quickly duck out of the way to let her through.
Speaker:She spares me a curious side-eyed glance,
Speaker:then opens it and steps into the room without another word.
Speaker:After another moment of hesitation, I let out a deep sigh and slink in after her.
Speaker:Whether I belong or not, I’m here now.
Speaker:I might as well stay, if for no other reason than to make the trip worthwhile.
Speaker:Trying to make myself as small as possible, I take an unoccupied seat within the ring of chairs in the center of the room.
Speaker:Unfortunately, the group insisted upon this arrangement,
Speaker:making it impossible to truly fade into the background –
Speaker:not that my six-foot-one height ever made that easy in the first place.
Speaker:Still, no one had bothered me in the previous two meetings,
Speaker:and I didn’t expect them to start now.
Speaker:A few minutes later, the ten or so of us are quietly sitting in the circle,
Speaker:all eyes trained upon the leader of the group,
Speaker:a relatively large spotted hyena named Ali.
Speaker:Aside from a brief introduction at my first meeting,
Speaker:I know very little about them except that they helped found this alliance a couple of years ago.
Speaker:Clearing their throat, they say,
Speaker:“Welcome, everyone.
Speaker:It’s great to see turnout like this just before spring break.”
Speaker:They glance around the ring with a genial grin.
Speaker:“As usual, we open with an invitation for anyone to speak.
Speaker:First and foremost, the purpose of this group is to be a support network,
Speaker:especially on issues that we can’t necessarily rely on other people for help with.
Speaker:So if there’s anything anyone needs from us, please,
Speaker:this is a place where you can ask without judgment.”
Speaker:A few people shuffle in their seats
Speaker:and one lets out a cough, but otherwise none of us says anything.
Speaker:The silence causes anxiety to well up within me.
Speaker:A part of me knows that this is maybe the only opportunity for me to actually find acceptance,
Speaker:true acceptance. And while there are a lot of members here, all of whom are complete strangers to me,
Speaker:I do believe Ali's reassurance that I won’t be judged. They’ve
Speaker:all kept a respectful distance from me,
Speaker:friendly but not pushy,
Speaker:and the group just has a gentle, welcoming vibe.
Speaker:And yet, I don’t say anything either,
Speaker:just like the last two times I’d come.
Speaker:It’s not their judgment that scares me most.
Speaker:No, what terrifies me is that I won’t find anyone,
Speaker:even among this coalition of students representing a broad spectrum of orientations and identities,
Speaker:who knows what I’ve experienced and suffered through.
Speaker:That there’s no one who can actually see me.
Speaker:The hope that I’m not alone in the universe,
Speaker:that I’m not an alien invisibly floating through the crowd,
Speaker:is all I have left.
Speaker:When it becomes clear that no one is going to say anything,
Speaker:Ali pipes up again.
Speaker:“All right, then let’s get started.”
Speaker:It takes about thirty or so minutes to go through their various agenda items,
Speaker:which pass painfully slowly.
Speaker:I find myself drifting in and out of attention throughout –
Speaker:all the while, my thoughts continue to darken as it becomes harder and harder to convince myself that coming here is a worthwhile use of my time.
Speaker:If I’m not going to introduce myself to the rest of the group, if I can’t open up about why I’m really here,
Speaker:then there’s really nothing to be gained from listening to discussions about proposals that don’t concern me
Speaker:and events I won’t attend.
Speaker:By the time Ali finishes going through their laundry list of topics,
Speaker:I’m fairly settled on the fact that this is my last meeting.
Speaker:“Any last thoughts?”
Speaker:they finally ask,
Speaker:glancing around the circle –
Speaker:again, everyone remains silent.
Speaker:“All right then, have a great break, everyone! I hope to see you at the potluck on Sunday!”
Speaker:A cacophony of chairs sliding along the polished hardwood floor assaults my sensitive ears as everyone gets up in unison.
Speaker:I sling my backpack over my shoulder
Speaker:and begin to follow the other group members out.
Speaker:As disappointing as this was, at least there’s nothing keeping me from the comfort of my bed any longer.
Speaker:After that, I’d head to the dining hall with my friends, and get settled in for the week-long break.
Speaker:However, before I make it out the door,
Speaker:my ear quirks behind me to the sound of someone clearing their throat.
Speaker:I turn around to find the brightly dressed hyena,
Speaker:that same, even smile on their face they’d worn the whole meeting.
Speaker:In a friendly tone of voice, Ali says, “Jason, right?”
Speaker:I nod, somewhat surprised that they actually remembered my name from the one-line introduction I’d given at the first meeting.
Speaker:“Yeah, but you can call me Jace.”
Speaker:“Jace, then.” Their grin widens. “Is this a bad time? I don’t want to keep if you’re busy.”
Speaker:I sigh inwardly, trying my hardest to keep my body language from giving away the fact that I want to be anywhere but here right now.
Speaker:“No, I’m free. What’s up?”
Speaker:The question is genuine, at least – I am curious what Ali wants to talk about.
Speaker:Before they can answer, they’re interrupted by the few stragglers who’d stuck around to say goodbye to them.
Speaker:It only takes a few minutes, but I find myself growing increasingly impatient.
Speaker:When we’re finally left completely alone, they say,
Speaker:“Sorry about that.
Speaker:I was just wondering if you were planning on showing up to the winter break party on Sunday.
Speaker:I noticed that your name isn’t on the signup sheet.”
Speaker:They hold up the single piece of paper that I’d immediately passed along to my neighbor.
Speaker:I shake my head. “I have plans, unfortunately.”
Speaker:That’s a lie, but of course I have no intention of going.
Speaker:The hyena shifts their weight and put their paws on their hips,
Speaker:raising an ear in what I take to be skepticism.
Speaker:Honestly, I don’t care that much – I likely wouldn’t run into them again after today.
Speaker:Smile faltering for the first time, they reply,
Speaker:“Look, you can keep attending these meetings for as long as you want.
Speaker:But, I can’t imagine they’re particularly…interesting.
Speaker:Generally we encourage new people to come to the functions instead and then decide if they want to get more involved with all this
Speaker:organizational…stuff.”
Speaker:I nod slowly, then they continue,
Speaker:“I’m concerned that you’re going to get discouraged from being a part of this because you’re getting a misleading impression of what it’s really like.”
Speaker:I sense that this is the branch point in the conversation –
Speaker:that it might decide my future with the alliance once and for all.
Speaker:I could keep up my lie about Sunday,
Speaker:maintain my resolve to stop coming here,
Speaker:and put all this behind me.
Speaker:But how fair was it to expect that I’d feel the sense of belonging I so badly crave from just a couple of meetings?
Speaker:I’ve barely said two sentences to anyone since I started coming.
Speaker:Sure, it would have been nice if reality had lined up with my ideal scenario – that
Speaker:someone else would have shared their lived experience that exactly lined up with my own.
Speaker:That wasn’t exactly the point of these meetings, though, as Ali said.
Speaker:Still, it’s not as though I hadn’t given any thought to coming to the potluck, or the trivia night last week, or the hike the week before.
Speaker:I always came around to the same conclusion – they’re just too overwhelming.
Speaker:I’m not the most outgoing person at the best of times,
Speaker:and the prospect of showing up by myself and being forced out of my shell with a bunch of strangers who already know each other well –
Speaker:who are fundamentally connected by something I don’t share –
Speaker:promises to be an uncomfortable time.
Speaker:Here, I can at least fade into the background and simply observe.
Speaker:And yet… what do I really have to lose?
Speaker:As they continue to meet my absent gaze with soft blue eyes,
Speaker:I know I have to say something.
Speaker:I feel a tension in my body that I didn’t even realize was there
Speaker:leave my body with a deep exhale,
Speaker:then reply honestly.
Speaker:“I don’t know if I fit in.”
Speaker:Perking up immediately, they respond,
Speaker:“The fact that you decided to come here in the first place means you fit in.
Speaker:Even if you’re cis and straight, you wouldn’t be the only ally to be a part of the group.
Speaker:Benny and Clarice are both het and they’ve
Speaker:been a part of this since the beginning.”
Speaker:The names don’t ring a bell to me –
Speaker:if they’ve been attending these meetings, I definitely wouldn’t be able to pick them out.
Speaker:Ali pauses, their short muzzle scrunching up as they seem to consider saying what’s really on their mind.
Speaker:“…But – and this is just a sense I get –
Speaker:being a straight ally
Speaker:isn’t the reason you’re here, is it?”
Speaker:I hesitate again. Then I slowly shake my head.
Speaker:“That’s OK,” they reply reassuringly.
Speaker:“I’m not going to pry. I promise none of us will.
Speaker:But I will say that many of us have been in a place of questioning at some point.
Speaker:All of us know what it’s like to feel apart from everyone around you.
Speaker:So whatever it is you’re going through, I hope that at some point you’ll give us a chance.”
Speaker:They give their body a little shake off,
Speaker:then flash me a toothy grin in a characteristically hyena-ish way.
Speaker:“I have to head off now.
Speaker:No need to commit or anything, but it would be great to see you on Sunday if those plans fall through.
Speaker:Think about it?” When I nod, they give me an eager tail flick and stride out of the room,
Speaker:leaving me alone to absorb what they just said.
Speaker:It’s a minute or two before I can collect myself enough to turn around and make my way out of the room. * * *
Speaker:The rest of the day passed by in a blur.
Speaker:I barely felt the ongoing snowstorm on the trip back,
Speaker:nor did I pay much attention to my suitemates as we huddled around our dinner trays in the dining hall.
Speaker:None of them seemed to notice that I was floating in outer space, adrift in a sea of black nothingness.
Speaker:Except this time,
Speaker:there was a tether.
Speaker:I couldn’t tell where it led –
Speaker:if it led anywhere at all –
Speaker:but I could feel its tug around my waist,
Speaker:nudging me ever so slightly along a different course.
Speaker:Ali’s words continued to rattle around in my brain as we walked back to our rooms,
Speaker:and trying to figure out what I wanted to do about the potluck this weekend exhausted me so thoroughly
Speaker:that I crashed at 8 o’clock.
Speaker:I don’t get up until 10, but by 11 I’m back in bed and pass out for another three hours.
Speaker:I feel no less exhausted after all that –
Speaker:mentally and emotionally, at least –
Speaker:but my body is starting to get twitchy, seemingly maxed out on rest.
Speaker:It’s too late now to grab a coffee without further disrupting my sleep schedule, so I decide to throw on some sweats and go for as long of a run as I can manage to try to re-center myself,
Speaker:grabbing a protein bar on my way out to ensure I don’t collapse from low blood sugar halfway through.
Speaker:It's a beautiful if chilly day today.
Speaker:The storm has since abated, leaving the campus covered in a downy white blanket that glistens in the mid-afternoon sun.
Speaker:With how common it is that we get buried in snow, the maintenance crews are usually pretty good with at least clearing away and de-icing the roads and sidewalks –
Speaker:fortunately, today’s no different.
Speaker:Given how I’m feeling, though, I probably would have risked it anyway.
Speaker:I take a few minutes to stretch and acclimate to the near-freezing temperature under the dorm building’s overhang.
Speaker:I see very few people milling about as I glance around –
Speaker:the majority of students still on campus are likely nursing hangovers after doing the whole frat party circuit last night.
Speaker:It didn’t appeal much to me, to be honest.
Speaker:I’d done one during orientation week and gotten so sick afterward that I’d sworn off bingeing alcohol.
Speaker:Besides, chugging the cheapest beer money can buy, baking from the collective body heat of the sea of people falling over themselves as they dance to pounding music under the intermittent flashes of strobe lights overhead –
Speaker:it was about as far away from my idea of a good time as possible.
Speaker:It didn’t help that the dozens of couples grinding on each other only served as a reminder of my own shortcomings.
Speaker:My… brokenness. Of course my friends have no such issues, and continue to spend their Friday and Saturday nights making the rounds until they stagger back at three or four in the morning.
Speaker:Aside from maybe catching a meal or playing video games with the couple of them who feel well enough the following day,
Speaker:that means that I’m largely on my own on the weekends.
Speaker:As if I needed another thing to make me feel isolated.
Speaker:Once I feel limber enough that I don’t think I’ll cramp up, I break out into a brisk jog,
Speaker:starting along one of my longer paths that winds around a heavily wooded area
Speaker:around the campus outskirts before looping back to the dorm.
Speaker:The puffs of condensing vapor from each exhale wet my nose as I pass through them.
Speaker:My legs ache at first, but soon enough I find my stride, and then I break out into a run.
Speaker:Normally I’d try to keep my pace even so that I’m not forced to take breaks along the way, but not today.
Speaker:My pace quickens to the point where I’m nearly sprinting.
Speaker:Snow-laden skeletons of trees and rickety houses erected long before I was born whizz by.
Speaker:My bare paw pads pound against the pavement.
Speaker:Still I run faster,
Speaker:pushing myself to my physical limit and beyond.
Speaker:And then I begin to fly.
Speaker:I’m free. I lose track of both time and direction somewhere along the way.
Speaker:When I’m finally forced to a halt with my heart threatening to explode out of my chest,
Speaker:I’m in an area of campus I don’t recognize –
Speaker:or maybe I’ve left the campus entirely –
Speaker:with the only landmark in sight being an intersection about fifty yards away that lacks street signs.
Speaker:I’ve never been so thankful to have my phone –
Speaker:the GPS can guide me back from wherever this is.
Speaker:My legs feel like lead.
Speaker:My chest is heaving.
Speaker:My lungs gasp for air.
Speaker:But my soul is stripped bare –
Speaker:everything that has been simmering for the past day and weeks and years bubbles up to the surface,
Speaker:and I let it all out in a full-throated yell.
Speaker:The rage. The pain.
Speaker:The longing. The anguish of never being understood and the hopelessness that I never will be.
Speaker:I erupt with the full force of a long-dormant volcano.
Speaker:The emotions flow out of me until all of the lava is expelled,
Speaker:and then I collapse on the cold ground in a panting heap.
Speaker:If there are people within earshot of my primal howl –
Speaker:and how could there not be? –
Speaker:no one bothers to come out of their houses to see what the source is.
Speaker:That’s OK. I’m fine.
Speaker:Better than I’ve ever been.
Speaker:When I finally get to my feet and take a few wobbly steps forward,
Speaker:I realize that the many layers of emotion had been obscuring what I’d known from the moment Ali had personally invited me yesterday.
Speaker:I need to go to the party. * * *
Speaker:Twenty-four hours later, I’m still feeling sore all over from my run,
Speaker:but I ignore the aches and pains as I make my way to Ali’s place.
Speaker:Going down the steep hill separating the academic buildings from the upperclassman housing
Speaker:on the west side of campus proves particularly challenging.
Speaker:Legs stiff as they are, I nearly lose my footing on the dirt path –
Speaker:now muddy with slush from the melting
Speaker:snow on either side –
Speaker:but manage to find enough purchase with my claws to keep myself from falling forward.
Speaker:Good thing, too – it would have been beyond embarrassing to show up with my jeans caked with mud.
Speaker:Breathing a small sigh of relief as my paws touch down on pavement once again, I quicken my pace as I take my phone out to navigate this maze of winding roads.
Speaker:I’ve never been to this part of campus before.
Speaker:There are more pine trees here than the northern part of campus I’m more familiar with,
Speaker:but under today’s total cloud cover,
Speaker:the dense, needle-laden boughs stretching over the sidewalks make me feel claustrophobic.
Speaker:More than once I have to duck to avoid getting a face full of them.
Speaker:The sense of foreboding increases with each passing moment.
Speaker:Every footstep brings me that much closer to the most important juncture point in my life.
Speaker:Either I remain on the path I’m on –
Speaker:alone, misunderstood, but familiar –
Speaker:or I veer off in a whole new direction.
Speaker:What that would feel like, I can scarcely imagine.
Speaker:I hope I find out today.
Speaker:The GPS leads me on for another ten minutes before I come to a two-story house,
Speaker:indistinct from its neighbors save for all the cars parked out front.
Speaker:This is it. I try to steady my pounding heart as I weave my way down the driveway and walk up the few steps to the front door.
Speaker:My mind is racing – there’s still time to turn around and go home.
Speaker:No one would have seen me yet.
Speaker:But once I ring that doorbell, there’s no going back.
Speaker:Paw shaking, I slowly reach forward and press the button.
Speaker:Not five seconds after the bell chimes, the door gets thrown open and I’m greeted by Ali,
Speaker:wearing jeans and a loose-fitting T-shirt.
Speaker:I frown inwardly –
Speaker:apparently I’m somewhat overdressed with my collared shirt and slacks.
Speaker:“Jace! It’s so good to see you!”
Speaker:I immediately find myself wrapped up in a tight hug that pins my arms to my sides,
Speaker:and when they finally release me and take a step back, I see that they’re grinning from ear to ear.
Speaker:“I’m sorry that whatever you had planned didn’t work out, but it’s great that you’re here now.”
Speaker:They don’t wink at me, but I feel them winking at me.
Speaker:I smile back, albeit a bit tentatively. “Y
Speaker:-yeah…I hope it’s not too much trouble.”
Speaker:“Not at all. Did you bring anything?” they ask.
Speaker:I reflexively glance down to my paws, even though I know I’m holding nothing.
Speaker:That’s right…this was supposed to be a potluck.
Speaker:I’d barely been paying attention on Friday when they were talking about it.
Speaker:I guess that’s what the signup sheet was for.
Speaker:Shit. I rub the back of my head sheepishly and shake my head, but before I can mumble an apology, the hyena waves their paw dismissively.
Speaker:“Don’t worry about it. Half the people forgot and we were planning on ordering a bunch of pizza anyway.
Speaker:We’ll have more than enough food.”
Speaker:Their short tail starts to flick excitedly.
Speaker:“Oh! Let me introduce you to everyone!”
Speaker:Before I have a chance to react, they grab hold of my wrist and tug me inside, barely giving me a chance to wipe the dirt from my paws as the door swings shut behind me.
Speaker:They lead me around the first-floor common areas –
Speaker:kitchen, dining room, living room – and show me off not unlike how Dani had the first time we’d gone to a house party as a couple.
Speaker:Most of the people here I recognize from the meetings, but a few are new faces to me.
Speaker:Bea is here too, her hair still the same bright red, for now at least.
Speaker:She smiles and hugs me fondly like everyone else does.
Speaker:It strikes me as an oddly familiar way to greet someone new, but the warmth I feel as I awkwardly reciprocate the gesture does bring my heartrate down a couple of ticks.
Speaker:But only a couple.
Speaker:When there are no more people to introduce myself to, Ali squeezes my paw and says,
Speaker:“Well, feel free to grab a drink. There should still be some beers in the fridge, if you want.
Speaker:We’re just going to hang around until the food comes – should be pretty soon.
Speaker:If you need anything, come and find me!”
Speaker:They turn to leave, but I keep holding onto their paw.
Speaker:There’s no way I’m going to be able to handle being here –
Speaker:let alone enjoy myself – unless I get what I came here to say off my chest. “U
Speaker:-uh, Ali?” I mumble.
Speaker:The hyena looks back at me questioningly.
Speaker:“I… erm, well, I thought about what you said.
Speaker:And I was wondering…”
Speaker:I take a hard swallow.
Speaker:“Could I say something? To the group?”
Speaker:My ears flush as I’m forced to consider how strange a request it is.
Speaker:What am I even asking?
Speaker:I have no idea what I want to say, not that I haven’t been thinking about it ever since I dragged myself back to my dorm from the run yesterday.
Speaker:To my surprise, though,
Speaker:Ali seems to understand immediately –
Speaker:with a swift nod, they call out,
Speaker:“Everyone, could you all gather in the living room for a moment?”
Speaker:I shudder as an icy chill runs down my spine.
Speaker:I didn’t exactly mean right this second.
Speaker:Then again, it’s not as though I’ll figure out in the next five to ten minutes what I’ve taken weeks trying to find the words for.
Speaker:Might as well wing it.
Speaker:The several conversations going on around us stop as the dozen or so guests shuffle into room,
Speaker:some taking seats on worn leather sofas while the rest stand.
Speaker:All eyes are on Ali and me.
Speaker:I glance down to my feet, nervously clasping and unclasping my clammy paws.
Speaker:The hyena clears their throat.
Speaker:“So, all of you who have been at the general meetings the past two weeks have probably seen Jace around. He-”
Speaker:they pause a moment and look up at me. It takes a second for me to realize that they’re asking if the pronoun is appropriate.
Speaker:I give them a slight nod, and they continue,
Speaker:“He hasn’t gotten a chance to introduce himself,
Speaker:but he wanted to say something to the group.”
Speaker:They smile at me encouragingly.
Speaker:“The floor is yours.” Now all of their eyes are fixed only on me.
Speaker:I feel myself wilting –
Speaker:the words still aren’t coming to me.
Speaker:But, knowing I have to say something,
Speaker:anything, I stutter, “W
Speaker:-well, as Ali said, I’m Jace.
Speaker:I’m a freshman in the, erm, engineering department.”
Speaker:The lump in my throat I’m struggling to talk around stubbornly refuses to go down. “I
Speaker:-I guess, I figured
Speaker:that you might want to know… why I’m here?”
Speaker:That strikes me as a bold assumption as soon as the words leave my lips,
Speaker:but as I look around the room, I don’t get the sense that anyone is feigning interest.
Speaker:“To be honest, I’m…confused.
Speaker:I thought, if I was going to find anyone who’d understand, it’d be here,
Speaker:but I now don’t really know.
Speaker:All I know is that I’m not…normal.
Speaker:not…normal.” This time I know I really have put my paw in my mouth.
Speaker:Who the hell am I to say what’s ‘normal’ or not, especially to this group?
Speaker:I stammer out, “S-sorry, didn’t mean any offense,”
Speaker:only to realize that what they’ll take from an apology is that I don’t think that they’re normal.
Speaker:“Shit…” I hear Ali snort beside me,
Speaker:and I look over to see them rolling their eyes.
Speaker:“Jace, it’s fine. Just…keep going.”
Speaker:I nod at them gratefully.
Speaker:Regarding the others again, I say in a clearer tone of voice,
Speaker:“What I mean is,
Speaker:I don’t think I’m into…anyone.
Speaker:I had a girlfriend in high school – I think I do like girls –
Speaker:but we broke up because, well, I wouldn’t have sex with her,
Speaker:even though I really loved her.
Speaker:I-I…couldn’t.” I choke back a sob –
Speaker:this is too much, too revealing.
Speaker:But I force myself to go on.
Speaker:“It just felt so wrong.
Speaker:And now I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know what this
Speaker:is. It doesn’t make any sense. No one gets it.
Speaker:So I guess I was hoping someone here…might.
Speaker:here…might.” The moment of silence after I say my piece is oppressive.
Speaker:I keep my gaze fixed down on the floor, unable to bring myself to see what the reactions of the others are.
Speaker:Are they shocked? Confused? Disgusted?
Speaker:“Jace, do you know what asexuality is?”
Speaker:My head whips up in the direction of the small voice –
Speaker:it’s Bea’s. “That’s when you don’t want to have a partner and aren’t interested in anything, right?”
Speaker:I reply, canting my head.
Speaker:“That…isn’t really it. I do want a girlfriend.
Speaker:Just…not like that.” I’m not going to go into any more detail there.
Speaker:Her expression turns apologetic.
Speaker:“Asexuality is a lot more complicated than that.
Speaker:Some aces are also aromantic – that is,
Speaker:they aren’t interested in romantic relationships –
Speaker:but others do want one.
Speaker:That basically exists on its own ‘axis’,
Speaker:and that includes being heteroromantic, which means that you want to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender.”
Speaker:“Really?” I blurt out.
Speaker:The sable nods. “Yep.
Speaker:Some aces feel some level of sexual attraction,
Speaker:but only to people they’re emotionally connected with.
Speaker:Those who don’t may still feel comfortable having sex.
Speaker:If you’re not, though, that’s totally OK too.
Speaker:You’re not alone in that at all.”
Speaker:“Bea’s right,” Ali chimes in amid murmurs of assent from the others around the room.
Speaker:“Asexuality is basically a spectrum unto itself.
Speaker:A lot of people have the wrong idea about it, unfortunately.
Speaker:But aces absolutely belong here.
Speaker:It’s why there’s an ‘A’ in ‘LGBTQIA+’, after all.”
Speaker:It’s like I’ve been struck by a thunderbolt.
Speaker:It didn’t exactly capture everything,
Speaker:but Bea’s definition was as close as anyone’s come to describing how I feel.
Speaker:How I am. Something about it just…‘clicks’.
Speaker:I suddenly feel the hyena’s paw warmly grasp my shoulder,
Speaker:and I realize that I’ve been staring off into space.
Speaker:I turn my head to look at them –
Speaker:their expression is soft,
Speaker:understanding. They smile as I meet their eyes.
Speaker:“Would it be all right if I gave you a hug?”
Speaker:I’ve never wanted one so badly in my whole life.
Speaker:I let the hyena wrap their arms around me, and the weight of nearly a decade of suffering in obscurity starts to melt away.
Speaker:I can hardly believe how light I feel –
Speaker:only in its absence do I realize just how enormous what I’ve been carrying around for years was.
Speaker:I hold them tighter,
Speaker:and the tears I’ve been trying to keep myself from shedding finally begin to flow down my cheeks.
Speaker:Then I hear the sounds of people getting up and claws scraping along the hardwood floor.
Speaker:Ali lets me go, but I barely have a chance to turn around
Speaker:before I find myself caught up in the embrace of a barrel-chested polar bear.
Speaker:He squeezes me so tightly that I feel my spine start to creak,
Speaker:then claps me firmly on the back.
Speaker:One by one, each of the other group members takes their turn,
Speaker:some whispering words of encouragement in my ear.
Speaker:I don’t know what to say back,
Speaker:but I return each of their hugs with all the energy I can muster.
Speaker:Bea is the last to approach me.
Speaker:She hesitates – as I look into her deep brown eyes, I see a vulnerability there that I don’t expect.
Speaker:When she opens her mouth to say something, though, the blaring of Ali’s electronic doorbell interrupts her.
Speaker:The moment is lost in the shuffle of people moving around us and we separate,
Speaker:her going to the kitchen to help clear the dining room table
Speaker:and me to the front door to help carry the food in, if needed.
Speaker:After we’ve all taken seats where we can find them, pizza and drinks in paw,
Speaker:the topic of conversation drifts to something school-related –
Speaker:a spectacled caiman introduced to me as Thomas is lamenting a recent calculus midterm to murmurs of commiseration from several others –
Speaker:and I fade into the background.
Speaker:Rather than drifting off into my thoughts, though, I remain present, nodding and laughing with the others.
Speaker:When it comes out that the polar bear, Dave, is actually in my year
Speaker:and that we’re both taking freshman physics this semester,
Speaker:I even start to join in the discussion.
Speaker:I feel so…unburdened.
Speaker:This sense of belonging is as unfamiliar as it is exhilarating.
Speaker:It’s every bit as wonderful as I’d hoped it would be.
Speaker:It hits me that it’s because I’m not hiding anymore.
Speaker:I catch Bea glancing at me several times,
Speaker:oddly reserved as she picks at her food.
Speaker:It stokes my anxiety slightly –
Speaker:it’s not that I expect she has anything bad to say to me,
Speaker:but each time I meet her gaze, it kills me a little that I don’t know what she’s thinking.
Speaker:When everyone’s finished eating and stacked their greasy plates in the kitchen sink,
Speaker:we make our way back into the living room.
Speaker:There’s some discussion over which of the floor-to-ceiling tower of board games we should play,
Speaker:but as Ali gets up to pull out one of the boxes, Bea suddenly pipes up – the first time she’s spoken since the food arrived.
Speaker:“I’m sorry Ali, but I’ve gotta head out.
Speaker:Essay due tomorrow morning and I’ve barely got an outline together.”
Speaker:They frown. “Come on, one game of Taboo. It goes by pretty quickly.”
Speaker:“I really can’t, but next time for sure,”
Speaker:the sable replies,
Speaker:shaking her head with a strained smile.
Speaker:She blows a few kisses at the others as they mutter goodbyes in unison,
Speaker:then she gets up from her seat and starts to walk around the couch.
Speaker:My heart sinks, knowing that whatever it is she wanted to tell me will remain unsaid,
Speaker:but as she passes me on the way to the door I feel her paw tap me on the shoulder.
Speaker:We exchange a wordless glance,
Speaker:and then I get up to follow her out.
Speaker:When we get to the front door and out of earshot, she says,
Speaker:“That was pretty cool earlier.”
Speaker:“Huh?” I rub the back of my head bashfully.
Speaker:“No, I just…well, it was nothing, really.”
Speaker:She lets out a soft snort.
Speaker:“It wasn’t nothing.
Speaker:How are you feeling now?”
Speaker:“Mm…good, I think? Yeah. I’m doing OK,”
Speaker:I mumble incoherently –
Speaker:it’s hard to get the words out because I’m distracted by the cute way her fine whiskers are twitching.
Speaker:“I’m glad.” She briefly smiles at me before her expression turns serious. “You
Speaker:know, I’m sorry about your ex-girlfriend. That must have been really rough.”
Speaker:My ears tip back and I glance off to the side,
Speaker:my chest swelling up with regret. “O
Speaker:-oh…yeah. I’m…over it now, I guess,
Speaker:but it stung for a while.”
Speaker:That’s far from the truth, but I don’t feel up to tapping that well of emotion.
Speaker:“Something similar happened to me last semester,” she says unexpectedly, causing me to snap my head back to her.
Speaker:“Was in a relationship with a guy. He keep pressing me for more than I wanted to give,
Speaker:and it made me realize that I’m actually demi –
Speaker:that’s when you can only be sexually attracted to people if you’re emotionally close to them first.”
Speaker:I’m grateful that she explained the term and spared me the embarrassment of asking.
Speaker:“Anyway, it fell apart in kind of a similar way.”
Speaker:I nod emphatically.
Speaker:She gives me a small smile and continues,
Speaker:“I meant it when I said that you’re not alone in this.
Speaker:There are a lot more of us than you’d think.”
Speaker:I get the sense that the conversation is about to end at that,
Speaker:but I feel a sudden urge to ask the question that’s been in the back of my mind ever since I
Speaker:‘came out’, so to speak.
Speaker:“Hey…so, you seem to know a lot about this. I, uh,” –
Speaker:disclosing this at all is incredibly awkward,
Speaker:let alone to a girl I’m finding that I’m mildly interested in –
Speaker:“do aces still feel,
Speaker:you know, interested in things other than sex?”
Speaker:“What kinds of things?” she asks.
Speaker:I think I see the ghost of a smirk on her face,
Speaker:but it vanishes as quickly as it came.
Speaker:“Well…” I trail off – no,
Speaker:there’s absolutely no way I can describe what I actually fantasize about.
Speaker:To my surprise, Bea chuckles softly. “Hah,
Speaker:you don’t have to say.
Speaker:But to answer your question, yes, that’s really common.”
Speaker:She leans in. “Aces are some of the kinkiest people out there, trust me.”
Speaker:Before I can really bask in how reassured that should make me feel,
Speaker:I feel the subtlest hint of her breath on my muzzle and I shudder.
Speaker:If she noticed, though, she doesn’t say anything.
Speaker:“All right, I’ll see you at the next meeting then?”
Speaker:“Yeah,” I say, grinning.
Speaker:Nodding, she turns and opens the door, letting in a gust of cool air.
Speaker:Before she can step out, though –
Speaker:and before I can think better of it –
Speaker:I stammer, “Hey…do you want to get a cup of coffee sometime?”
Speaker:Her eyes suddenly light up as she beams up at me.
Speaker:“I’d love to.” This was the second and final part of
Speaker:“An Alien in Our Midst”
Speaker:by Ty Fox, read for you by Solomon Harries,
Speaker:cuddly badger dad.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web
Speaker:at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Happy Pride, and Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.