Navigating the intricate dynamics of marital communication can often feel like threading a needle in a dark room—challenging and fraught with misinterpretation. The conversation today dives deep into the common pitfalls that husbands encounter when attempting to understand their wives. We highlight that often, the reactions husbands perceive—be it anger, withdrawal, or compliance—are misread signs of emotional safety concerns rather than mere emotional outbursts. The discussion unfolds the concept that a wife’s protective response is rooted in her nervous system’s instinct to shield herself when she feels unsafe. This leads us to explore the three predictable patterns of emotional response that often emerge in these scenarios, emphasizing the importance of husbands recognizing these signals. As we share personal anecdotes about our own misreadings, it becomes clear that this disconnect is a shared experience in many marriages, where the underlying message often gets lost in translation. Moreover, we touch on the pivotal role a husband plays in setting the emotional tone of the household. A self-regulated man creates an atmosphere where emotional safety thrives, allowing for genuine communication and rebuilding trust. The episode poignantly reminds us that the essence of effective leadership in marriage is not about exerting control over one’s spouse, but rather about mastering self-control, which fosters an environment where both partners can feel secure and open. By the end, we encourage listeners to reflect on the importance of emotional regulation and how it shapes the relational climate of their homes, advocating for a shift from blame to understanding as a path forward in their relationships.

Takeaways:

1. Many husbands often misinterpret their wives' reactions, leading to misunderstandings in the relationship.
2. Emotional safety is crucial; a lack of it prompts defensive behaviors from both partners in a marriage.
3. A husband's self-regulation significantly influences the emotional climate of the home, promoting trust and openness.
4. Women instinctively read four key signals from their husbands: tone, facial expressions, emotional presence, and regulation of emotions.
5. Success in marriage hinges on a husband's ability to control his reactions and maintain a steady emotional state.
6. Real strength in relationships is not about control over others, but about governing oneself and fostering emotional safety.

Today I hope to provide a helpful concept for teaching man because many husbands misread their wives just as much as the wife may misread them.

But what they're doing is they're misreading their wives reactions.

They often assume the issue is their attitude or their stubbornness, something of that kind, or they're just too sensitive.

When in reality the reaction is a protective response of the nervous system.

And when emotional safety is missing, then there's a protective shield that puts up a barrier that says I'm not safe here.

It says, you know.

And most people fall into one of three predictable patterns when they respond that says I'm not safe here in this position.

There could be more and I'm not trying to give some long list of different responses, but these are the most common patterns that people fall into.

I can certainly relate and I understand why men misread responses.

I've misread my wife's responses quite often.

She has mine too.

There's this disconnect between men and women oftentimes where we just don't, we're not reading each other well.

That's one of the biggest difficulties in marriage.

So you know, a husband may see, you know, some confrontation or go through a time when she's just an outrage and he thinks, well, she's disrespect.

And she may see some withdrawal from him and think he's not present, he's not, he doesn't care, he didn't or he doesn't listen to me.

He may, he may see her withdrawal and think she's distant or this is the hard one, he may see some compliance in her and think everything is fine when it's not.

So there are a lot of times when we just misread one another.

But what, what really may be happening as he sees in her, what he's seeing is her, her natural nervous system, you call it that that's adapting to these emotional instabilities.

It doesn't mean that the husband is malicious.

That's not what she is saying.

And most men simply never have been taught that their regulation, their self governing attitudes and tone and all that really sets the emotional temperature of the home.

They are responsible for that.

And a regulated man, a self governed man, as we, we've been calling him, he'll calm the home, he'll calm any room.

And yet an unregulated man will agitate the room just, just the same.

So why is that?

Why, why self government, why that matters so much?

It does change the emotional tenor, the emotional environment.

Of the home.

The scriptures place such emphasis on self control, and not just for husbands.

But since we're talking about husbands, certainly he has a responsibility to govern his spirit, to govern his tone, his tone of voice and his reactions that they be gentle, and his temper.

He changes the emotional climate of the home by his example.

And so the same wife who once reacted with tension may begin to relax if he can change his action.

Conversation may begin to open up, trust rebuilds and influence grows.

Not because the husband demands respect.

It's not that he's trying to control her behavior, but it's because he's steady as a rock.

He's not unpredictable.

He responds to the same way.

Very controlled, very patient, and very gentle.

And that makes trust possible.

So one of the most important reminders that this teaching should never be used to blame one another.

If you happen to be a woman listening to this and you're married, since I'm really talking to men here, you may find this as an opportunity to sit down with your husband and tell him all that he's doing wrong.

That's really not what this is intended.

I'm intending to talk to the men to help them try to understand their wives and why their behavior may be unknowingly creating a shutdown in their wives without their knowledge.

And this is the reason why I'm sharing these things.

Don't use this as a billy club.

You know, the Bible teaches this approach to all that we're responsible for is that we need to carry out our obligations regardless of whether anybody else does or not.

So when you read things like Ephesians 5, where the husbands.

He says, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, that wasn't written to wives, it was written to husbands.

So when you see that and it says, husbands, love your wives, he's not talking to you.

And if he's not talking to you, it's not any of your concern.

It hasn't have anything to do with you.

But when he starts talking to wives and he says, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands and blah and on and on.

Now you need to give some attention, see that, that that's your responsibility.

And it's not for the husbands to say, to use that as an opportunity to beat up the wife and say, see here, you're supposed to submit to me.

These are childish games and they follow the being conformed to this world, the pattern of this world and their thought processes.

Because we don't want to take responsible for responsibility.

We want to blame it on somebody else.

That was the problem from the very beginning, when Adam said, the woman you gave me, she gave me this.

This fruit and I did eat, you blame it on her.

And we're always wanting to shift that blame.

So please, as we go through this material, don't use it as a billy club to blame wives or husbands.

Every person is responsible for their own behavior and a husband, however.

And that's what our focus is on the husbands here.

If you want to lead wisely, you need to understand that your emotional regulation, your control, shapes the relational environment.

And that's why Proverbs says, the man that rules his spirit is stronger than a man who conquers a city.

Because conquering a city takes power, no doubt.

But governing yourself requires strength of character.

There are four signals that wives instinctively read in a husband with just within a few seconds or less.

You may not be aware of it, but men.

But you are giving those signals.

And that's why those signals determine whether the conversation will lead to trust or whether it will lead to conflict.

In this section, we're going to fit and talk about two different things.

A man's reading is being read by his wife, and a man reading his wife.

What we're describing here is something that many husbands have never really considered much before a single word is ever processed logically.

The human brain is reading signals of safety or danger.

It's just much of this is happening almost instantly, and the nervous system is constantly scanning the environment, asking questions like, is this safe to talk about now?

Is.

Do I need to put up some walls of safety here?

When a wife approaches a difficult conversation with her husband, she's not only listening to his words, but in just a few seconds, she instinctively reads several signals that tell her whether the conversation is going to be a threatening one or not.

And so those signals communicate steadiness.

The conversation is going to be open if it does.

If those signals communicate volatility, then the conversation tightens.

And let me describe four of the signals that wives instinctively read in men today, and often again, without even realizing that they're doing it.

Number one, the signal of tone.

I've mentioned this a few times.

It's so important.

The first signal that is often read is tone.

Not the content of the sentence, the statement, but the tone behind it.

A man may say something entirely reasonable, but if he says it in the wrong tone, she's going to take it a different way.

It may mean that he's irritated, he's frustrated.

If some sort of sarcasm is the response that you give, her nervous system registers that long before her mind ever processes the words she's reading, that there's signals that are.

That she's reading.

And you can see this principle throughout Scriptures.

Again, I've already mentioned Proverbs 51 or 15 rather.

And verse one says a soft answer turns away wrath.

But grievous words stir up anger.

Notice the focus there.

The verse doesn't say the right argument solves the conflict.

It says the manner of speaking determines whether the tension rises or settles.

That's it.

Tone communicates the emotional regulation.

A calm tone.

It tells her this is safe, you can stay engaged.

But a harsh one.

It says, prepare yourself.

And that's what.

That's what's going on.

And many men, I think you know, you know, we believe that strength requires firmness of voice.

But firmness is not the same.

And you might.

Let's be clear, firmness is not the same as being harsh necessarily.

But strength actually appears in controlled tone.

It communicates stability and safety.

And that, as we talked about last time, builds trust.

And that's where you need to be to be a leader.

Another signal is facial expressions.

I think we know this, and some of us have more facial expressions than others.

But that is a clear signal before the conversation truly begins.

She's looking at her husband's facial expressions.

Does his jaw tighten up?

Is he about to be show anger?

Is he about to explode?

Here she's reading bad.

And those signals are not small.

Don't take them lightly.

Human beings are extraordinarily sensitive to these cues.

Constantly the brain's reading them again because facial expressions, historically anyway, indicates what a person is thinking.

Before a wife again ever hears what she's.

He's actually saying, she's forming an impression based on what she's seeing.

So a relaxed face communicates openness.

A tense face communicates being defensive.

In Proverbs 15, the same chapter, verse 13, the text reads, a merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.

So if he expresses that, or his face looks pleasant and appealing and inviting, then she'll feel safe.

There will be no need for any defense.

But the scripture touches on this principle at least indirectly in several places where demeanor reflects the state of the heart.

You remember when Cain, after Cain had killed his brother, the Lord God came to him and said that if he has done well or has not, sin lies at the door.

He asked him, though, why his countenance has fallen.

If he does well, then what seems to be the problem?

Why is that demeanor?

Why is that expression, that countenance, why is that changed so Obviously, there's clear indications that one's countenance says something about what's going on inside.

You just remember the same thing with Nehemiah when he was with the king, and the king could tell that he was borrowed that sorrow and had filled his heart.

And he asked him what he could do and what was wrong and how he could resolve the pain he's experiencing.

And he.

He told me about the condition of his people.

And the city walls were left in shambles and his heart was touched by it.

And he allowed him to go back to his homeland and rebuild the walls.

So countenance and the facial expressions certainly do express what's in the heart.

That's logical.

But now keep in mind, we can misread those.

It's not a full proof, but whether it's misread or not, she sees that and makes that conclusion.

You're already behind the cue ball again.

You're already in.

Not in a good position to start with.

And that's done before they ever hear the words that you.

So the outward expressions.

Reflects says a lot.

And she's reading it.

And so when a husband approaches a conversation where there's already that wall that's built, the conversation is already destabilized before it begins.

And so he's got some work ahead of him.

But when the husband remains composed and he communicates something very important in a controlled manner, he communicates that the conversation will be governed, not explosive.

That's very important to govern ourselves, to be an example and to create that environment for growth and communication.

Another signal is emotional presence.

It's again, it's instinctively red.

A lot of people complain, a lot of women complain about their husbands being there.

He's on the couch watching a game or something.

He's there, but he's not there.

And when she speaks, he doesn't hear a word she's saying because his focus is somewhere else.

This is not being present.

That's what's meant by this is he's present physically, but emotionally he's not present.

He's absent.

He's distant.

And a husband may physically say, yes, ma', am, and I understand, and huh.

But again, he's not engaged.

She senses his responses are quite short.

He doesn't show any.

Show any curiosity or an effort to understand fully what she's saying by asking questions and showing interest in what she's talking about.

His body language communicates some disinterest.

And to many wives, that emotional absence feels just as destabilizing as if he had blown up in anger.

It's just as powerful.

It communicates that he's not interested, that he this disengagement, that he's not connected with her and doesn't want to be.

And so James addresses the idea that encourages all believers to be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath.

Being swift to hear means something deeper than simply waiting your turn to talk, to give a rebuttal, or just waiting until she stops so you can finish it out or add your 2 cents worth.

James addresses this idea of being slow to do these things, but quick and attentive to listening.

This is so powerful, being swift to hear.

It means you're present.

It means you are engaged.

It means you're attentive, even curious, asking questions, listening without persistent, preparing that rebuttal.

You matter enough to me to stay engaged in this conversation.

That's what it says.

It communicates that.

And that's the kind of presence that builds security, trust.

A fourth and final signal is the signal of what we call regulation.

Does the husband appear governed?

Is he self controlled?

Does he appear reactive?

You know, there are certain men that say a thing until they react to something they see or hear.

They think that's good leadership, but it's not.

Leadership initiates leadership controls the atmosphere by that initiation.

It's very important that we not escalate quickly.

She's going to learn all that.

And a wife eventually learns the emotional rhythms of her husband.

She knows that.

She knows whether he's controlled or not, and if he's not, when he's not, usually she knows if he's, if he may shut down for a week and not talk to her, does he grow impatient?

She'll learn that.

And a man that can govern himself, when he becomes predictable source of strength, that'll breed security.

And that'll give her comfort that you, you.

She knows what to expect.

And it produces safety.

Safety produces trust.

And that trust allows difficult conversations to remain constructive rather than destructive.

Now, why these signals matter so much, here's a very critical point to remember a wife, she may not again, she may not consciously analyze these signals.

That's not really what she's doing at all.

She may say to herself, I'm not evaluating tone.

I'm not know.

I'm looking at his facial expressions.

She's not even going there.

But her nervous system is reading them, I mean, like in seconds.

And if those signals communicate instability, she's going to shut.

She's going to provide some protection.

She may confront just as harshly, she may withdraw or she may Outwardly seem to comply, and yet she's protecting her heart inward.

If those signals communicate different things, if they communicate a steady individual that's in control of his emotions, something very different happens.

Now all of a sudden her mind is open to his suggestions and she relaxes in his presence.

The conversation becomes productive.

That is important for husbands because what it means for husbands is you need to control yourself.

And a good leader strongly will focus his attention on that.

It matters so much in marriage, a husband who governs his tone, his expression, and who is attentive, who's listening, and the emotional reactions, all of that will change the climate of his house.

He becomes someone whose presence stabilizes the room.

He's someone that the children are comfortable going to and asking questions.

He's easy to be entreated, full of good fruits and, and peaceful.

This is the thing that James of course talks about and certainly does represent.

The character that we're describing here is someone who presents himself in such a manner that the whole atmosphere, the whole environment, climate of the room is peaceful.

No one is shouting, no one's losing control of themselves.

That strength not measured by the ability to control somebody else.

And that's exactly the kind of strength the scripture calls men to pursue.

Real strength is measured by the ability to rule your own spirit.

And when a man can do that, the emotional climate of the marriage will begin to change.

Now notice something remarkable as we come now to the scripture.

The Bible repeatedly emphasizes self control and gentleness.

These are marks of spiritual maturity.

That man that's able to control his anger and slow to anger, he is greater than a man that takes a city.

In other words, the man that can govern his reactions.

And he does that by governing how he thinks.

The man that can govern his inner reactions is stronger than a man that can take a city, can conquer external enemies.

And the reason this matters so much in marriage is because self government creates that emotional safety that allows her to open up and communicate and builds trust, all of that.

It's an emotional safety net and allows trust to grow.

And remember, trust is the currency of influence.

And suddenly this idea of self control, it's not such an abstract thing after all, is it?

It's a very practical thing.

This is why the biblical definition of strength matters so much.

Strength is not loudness, it's not dominance, it's self government.

And the man that governs himself becomes a man that others can safely trust them.

But the man that's cannot control his own spirit.

He can't be trusted.

So let's be honest about something else.

Men are highly driven sexually, they're highly driven competitively.

Men are highly driven.

Those drives are not evil.

In another, whatever you hear me say today, don't take that conclusion.

I'm not suggesting that at all.

They're part of his masculine energies.

But unmanaged drives can cause great confusion and destruction.

Unrestrained appetites destroy marriages.

And unregulated anger fractures trust.

Anger themselves, though, and this is something that can be taught if it's done correctly.

Anger is not a sin.

In fact, Paul tells his brethren, be ye angry.

It's in the imperative mood.

But sin not.

It's anger, but it's under control.

It's what you do with that anger that becomes sinful.

And that all really takes place by harnessing how you think and what it is that drives that passion, that energy that causes one, as Jesus did, to overturn the tables at the temple.

He was angry, and he was angry on more than one occasion.

Mood with indignation, but yet he did not sin.

That's power under control.

So manage that drive control, that strength, that passion.

Uncontrolled words damage safety.

So strength isn't the absence of these desires and these natural appetites.

Strength is the discipline, the control of these desires.

Think of it that way.

Think of it this way.

A powerful engine without a steering wheel isn't a very good situation and is bound to cause some destruction if carried out fully.

But a powerful engine under control, well, that's very useful.

And masculinity is power, but only when it's governed.

Only when it's controlled.

In fact, the word meekness, the Greek word translated meekness in our English language, is a word that defines that very thing.

It is power under control.

And therefore we see it.

And translated in many cases, gentleness.

But the word was used to describe horses in the Roman army.

Here's a horse that has been taken and.

And some circles, we call it, they've been broken.

But what has happened is they've trained them to accept certain control features.

Like, you can now harness that strong animal.

You could put a bridle on it, a bit in its mouth, and a saddle on its back.

And now you have this strong animal that's been now harnessed and controlled.

And so it is with our spirit that we can take great strength and still can harness it and control it.

It's still within our grasp and within our control.

That's meekness.

And certainly that describes leadership as well.

So let me ask you a Few questions.

Can you control your tone without being frustrated?

Can you restrain sarcasm?

Can you govern your eyes so that you look only upon your wife and her beauty?

Can you admit fault when you've been wrong without being defensive?

Can you stay present in conflict?

Or do you run from conflict?

Can you move towards your wife rather than away from tension and problem areas?

If the answer to those questions is no, and this is not an opportunity for condemnation, but it is a simple diagnosis.

That's all it is.

You see, we have a problem, we go to a doctor in hopes that he can diagnose the problem and tell us what it is and then can solve it.

You can't solve things if you don't have a diagnosis.

You can't correct things if you don't know what it is to correct.

So if these are things that are a problem area in your life and in your home, then start with yourself.

Control yourself, govern yourself.

Build trust.

It's the currency of influence.

Build that trust and be the leader in your home rather than allowing some other influencers to come along right under your nose and steal away your family, your children, and maybe even your wife.

That's the diagnosis.

So you have to first acknowledge it.

You have to second get a diagnosis.

If you're sick, you got to know that you're sick, then get a diagnosis, right?

And then, of course, find the strength and the courage to do something about it.

And so over the next few several weeks, we're going to unpack what it means to become strong enough to love.

That's the theme.

Not strong enough to dominate, certainly not strong enough to intimidate or even to perform, but strong enough to govern yourself.

Strong enough to sacrifice, to initiate sacrificially, to act in the best interest of others, to lead spiritually and to discipline your desires, to control and harness the power, and most of all, to just simply reflect the heart and the mind and the spirit of Jesus Christ, who was the great leader and the greatest influencer of all time.

And so, because masculinity is not proven by what you can control in others, it is only proven by what you can control in yourself.

And that's where real strength begins.

I thank you for listening to me today, and I trust that you'll come back as we continue these things in the next few weeks.