Shownotes
Tog and Parker record their third episode of Grack Public Access from the unsettlingly ornate parlor of Linda's Funeral Parlour. Their theme is "cakes," and their sponsor is "small brooms," and they receive a product demo by Jen deHaan.
Amidst Parker's accidental consumption of potpourri, continued anxiety about critical emails sent into the show about his appearances (one featuring a pork chop emoji), and the spooky atmosphere of the funeral home, they discuss local news from Grackleton. This week that includes the town's broken parking meter and the newly announced date for the corn cake bake-off, which Parker will unfortunately miss.
In memory of Tig
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Tig deHaan, a very good dog, who passed on June 16th 2025 at the age of 16. She was the inspiration for the name Tog Chesterfield, and the best companion I was so lucky to know and spend nearly every day with for the past 15 years.
Credits, contact, and more info
This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, edited, directed, and produced by Jen deHaan. Some elements of this show are scripted, but most of it is improvised by the cast.
You can also find the character Tog Chesterfield in the completed audio drama Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama wherever you find podcasts.
Cast:
- Jen deHaan as Tog Chesterfield, Melinda Spoon, additional voices
- Adam as Parker Spoon
Any guests noted in show notes above.
Production and Links
Artwork, logo, and graphics: Jen deHaan.
Transcript: For each episode on their page on this show's page at StereoForest here.
More show info/contact: stereoforest.com/grack
Support the show (one time tip): stereoforest.com/tip
Review this show: On Podchaser here podchaser.com/grackpublicaccess
Chat in Discord about this show: discord.gg/qBQCJP8Swf
Comedy and audio fiction newsletter: StereoForest.com/subscribe
Follow on social media: YouTube, Bluesky, TikTok
This podcast is a StereoForest production. Made and produced in British Columbia, Canada.
Transcripts
WEBVTT
::This episode is dedicated to the memory of my beautiful dog,
::Tig. You can learn a little bit about her connection to the show at the end of this episode. Enjoy!
::You're listening to Grack Public Access on 101.7 FM, The Grack Here in Grackleton. I'm
::Tog Chesterfield and I'm here with my co-host Parker Spoon. Here I am. I am, you know, I'm so
::happy to be back here for the third, the third recording of a wonderful, wondrous radio show
::that we do. They know where we are yet or no? No, they don't know where we are.
::Yeah, we had a little bit of a false start, everybody. So this is our second start of this
::third episode of the show and we're at Linda's Funeral Parlor this week. Linda's Funeral Parlor.
::Our theme this week is cakes and our sponsor is small brooms. Just small brooms, the item, I
::think. I don't know, that's what I have on the piece of paper. It doesn't make it. So how can our sponsor
::like small brooms? Small brooms, yeah. It might be the small brooms store. I figure it is, but
::later on we're going to have a demo about small brooms. So I figure that maybe we'll learn
::more about the sponsor at that point. This is lovely. Just so we can paint a little
::seascape for our listeners. Yeah. We, I am sitting here and there's a parlor. You know,
::it's called a funeral parlor sometimes, but there's actually a funeral. There's actually a parlor
::here. Yeah. And it is a, it looks, I don't know how you describe it, but you ever see those
::Sherlock Holmes and his buddy Watson? Yeah. Yeah. It feels to me like this might be the kind of
::room that he sat in back when he used to solve mysteries in the 1780s or whatever that was.
::Yeah. It really does. It really does. And just so the listeners know we're painting a seascape,
::although we're nowhere near the sea because we're landlocked here in in Grackleton. No, it's just a,
::it's just a turn of the phrase. It's turn of the phrase. And there's a lot of sea-based turn
::of phrases in Grackleton, which is just, I always find that interesting since we're nowhere near
::the sea. But I, I, I agree. And, and it's, if you've seen Linda's funeral parlor from the outside,
::it kind of looks like a strip mall, but when you walk inside, it looks like that. It looks like,
::it looks like Sherlock Holmes. It looks, is just very ornate and beautiful on the inside. You
::forget where you are. You forget where you are. They must have hired like a set dresser, a Hollywood
::set dresser to do this because I am looking around and there's a, so I'm going to get close to the
::microphone and do some ASMR here. Oh, I love that. Okay. This is kind of what I've known for. There is
::painting of a ship weathering a storm on the wall. See more of the nautical stuff.
::It's more nautical. Grackleton loves the sea. Yeah. There's a ball over here and it's filled with
::some look in here. Oh, you know what it looks like in that ball? You know those that they,
::that you get them in trail mix sometimes and they're kind of like spiced little things?
::Like the, is it the shreddies or like the shreddies that it looks like or is it more like the
::corn nut? Yeah, it's like the, there's like a heavily spiced, it's just, it's simply delicious.
::I'll tell you that that, I don't know. Is it a Brazil nut? Possibly. A peanut? I've never been,
::yeah. Yeah, I think it's a peanut. I think that's what it might be. A heavily spiced peanut. Yeah.
::How did you not know what a peanut was Parker spoon? I'm just, you know, I, because I,
::before I eat stuff, I don't, you know, look at it. I try to do it based on taste. But I mean,
::I mean a peanut is the most common nut, wouldn't you say? I love peanuts, but this one was so
::wonderfully spiced. I see. That I, yeah, so I let, I just so the audience knows when I first,
::you know, at a restaurant and anything else, I will sit with my back away, you know, my back
::towards the table and then I will reach around and grab whatever's on the table. So that, you know,
::this is only the first bite. So it's not weird. Right. Yeah. So you're kind of like a, like Sherlock
::Holmes, but a food. You like the mystery. It's exactly. Yeah. And what is life, but you know,
::it's, you set yourself a little mystery and then you solve it. Yeah, exactly. But for you,
::it's food. Have you ever been worried that your food might be tampered with or something like that,
::like in a, in a murder mystery? Oh, spooky. Speaking of haunted. Yeah, just don't, can you,
::um, I won't do that. I don't say that. Please. Yeah. Because it's good. Now I'm gonna. I, I have
::tissues if you need any to cry. No, I, yeah, I know what you're, so what Tog is referring to is,
::is it so happened that on last episode I cried four times. Yeah. But there's a lot of reasons
::why that happened. And as I wrote back, cause, um, I, you know, they sent me emails again, the
::accounts. Oh, are they still doing that? Yes. And, um, so for anybody who wasn't here last week,
::they, last week they had a lot of emails came into my account, which I'm not going to give out.
::And, you know, they came from email addresses that were lots of letters and numbers. And this
::time there were some symbols as well. And one of the email addresses even had a, like an emoji
::of a pork chop in it. Really? In the email address? Did you just say? In the email address. I didn't
::think it was allowed. I didn't think that was allowed either. Yeah. It was a bunch of numbers
::and letters and a pork chop. And, um, and they said that they made fun of me, you know, without
::mercy is, I guess, what I'm trying to tell you. Yeah. Yeah. And they, because I cried and I told,
::I wrote them back and he told me not to write them back, but I didn't write them back. Oh, no.
::I, yes. And I said it was because we were in the wonderful woods and my emotions were in the best
::of me and that I will not cry this episode. Okay. I'm going to be quiet now because they said I
::talked too much. Oh, no, they, they're, you don't Parker. You talk just the fine, a fine, perfect
::amount. You don't need to worry about that. I think, I think they're just trying to get your goat.
::Like not a literal goat because you don't have a goat, but you know, you know what I mean?
::Turn a phrase, another turn a phrase. Trying to get your goat.
::Moving on. Moving on. Yeah. Moving on. So we've, we've covered the show sponsor and the show theme
::this week is cakes. I'd, yeah, cakes. Yeah. Cause I got the post it right here that says,
::talk about cakes. You know what I love? What do you love? And I'm going to try. This is going to be
::a show about stuff we love. Let's make it a bad stuff. We look at, we're here in such a different
::environment. Yeah. Let's just talk and let's celebrate stuff. We should. Cause I mean, this is
::like you need to celebrate the things that you love in life. And that's what this kind of
::location should probably inspire in us today. There's a cake called Trace Leaches. And it is a,
::oh, it is a wonderful cake with different types of milks. Three of them, I would guess.
::I don't, I don't, I don't track this stuff. Trust means three, three milks, right? Like
::it doesn't, isn't that what it's titled? The person at the restaurant was always nice and said,
::um, yeah, the first time I went there, I, you know, I didn't even know what it was because I was
::reaching behind me and my hand went right into it. Yeah. I was like, what is this? I thought they
::were playing a joke. I'm like, what is this? And I said, no, it's, it's, it's Trace Leaches. And
::I, I ate, I ate it and I thought that it was, you know, I was trying to be adventurous. I thought
::it was actual leeches. Oh, oh, you did? That's what you thought that they would serve you is
::like the, the, the things that go in lakes and suck your blood from your leg.
::I don't know. I'll go to a restaurant with an open heart and an open mind.
::You would be okay eating leeches if they gave you, I would presume three leeches is what you
::thought they presented you with three leeches on a plate and you would be, you would actually eat that.
::I, I thought it through and I was saying it's only three. You can do this. And, um, and, uh,
::you know, what a, let's just fast forward to the surprise when it was a wonderful, uh,
::mouth feel. It felt as if, you know, for a second, I honestly believed that it was a vanilla flavored
::leech that I was eating. And, um, but it wasn't. It was, as you said later on, it's a word for,
::you said later on before. Uh, milk. Milk. Three milks. Yeah. And I was saying it wrong because I'm,
::you know, I don't get out of crackle to hit a lot. You don't even like saying your last name,
::Parker spoon. Sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up. I just can't get over the fact that you would
::be okay with a, something that attaches to your body and sucks the blood out of it going into your mouth.
::I'm fine with that. Wow. But I would not be fine with the way you're saying that. I would not be
::fine with the vampires, um, at all. Right. And let's not talk about them. We won't. We won't
::because we're talking about things that we love in this show that we're celebrating. I want to hear
::what kind of cakes you would love. Cake I love. You know what? I love a red velvet cake.
::I don't know what that is. That's, um, it's not actual velvet. Like, but it's just, I think that
::just references how soft and fluffy it is, like a velvet, I guess. I don't know, but it's also bright
::red, which I mean, speaking of vampires would remind you of blood. It kind of looks like blood.
::But it's just like food coloring or, I guess you can use beets or something like that too.
::And it's just a nice fluffy chocolate cake. It's the flavor. And then it has, if you do it right,
::you put on more icing than the cake layer. You have like a thick, thick ass layer of icing. They
::might, oh, I have to bleep that out. I have to, oh shoot. I forgot to, I have to bleep myself too.
::I have to bleep myself. Okay. I don't want to see. You know what? I hate to be, I, I,
::I hate to be the bear of bad news, but this is not what I agree to. Okay. All right, listener. He's
::just walking away. He'll probably come back. He'll probably come back. So it's just a very nice and
::thick layer of cream cheese icing. Listener. And I think it might be vanilla flavored as well,
::as the Tres Leches cake. But it's a very nice cake. And that would be the cake that I would
::choose. Parker will be back. I'm pretty sure. Oh no. Oh, Parker went into a, yes, I can hear you,
::Parker. I can hear you. You're stuck. Okay. There's no door. Well,
::can you go onto the side of the room that you entered the room?
::Like, like the one, yeah. Okay, you got it. Yeah, just come out the way that you went in.
::That should probably solve the issue. Oh, you made your, I'm sorry about that. That's okay.
::You made a mistake and I should not be subject to it. Yeah, I know. I need to get used to bleeping
::myself if I say a curse. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I should not have done that. That's okay. It's
::gonna help me learn for next time. If I do a curse, hopefully there won't be a next time. But I have,
::I'll just let me put the bleep box right in front of me. So I remember a little bit better. It was
::off to the side. When I walked into the room, there was a man there staring at me. Oh no.
::What room did you go into? Did you see what kind of room it was? Not really. I was trying to
::find the exit. Yeah. Oh, the exit from the whole building. Okay. No, from the room to get back
::to say, I'm sorry to you. I missed you. I missed you a lot. I missed you too, Parker. Yeah. Yeah.
::And there was a man just staring at me. He was standing at a corner. You ever see that movie?
::The, it was called the Blair Witch Project and they were somewhere in the woods and they were
::like werewolves or something chasing after them? I've never, I never watched it because I get
::seasick. I get seasick. Speaking of the sea. But I get seasick when I'm watching things too and I
::heard that you get very seasick. Because that camera was shaking around when they were running away from the werewolves.
::Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. No, I threw up, but it was such a good movie that I wanted to, you know, I just sat there.
::Oh, it was worth, it was worth throwing up for? Yeah, I changed as soon as I got home. Yeah. I think
::it still sounds too scary for me if it has werewolves. But anyway, at the end of the movie,
::after the werewolf gets him, they, um, they, something happens and I guess the, they were
::standing in the corner of a basement facing the corner and that always scared me. But that's what
::the man was doing. That's what the guy, I guess he can hear us doing the show. Could you hear me?
::You could hear me. Oh, I could. Yeah. I went on a screen to you. I could hear you. Right. Well,
::then he's probably, and I, I yelled pretty loud back. Oh, I guess they know that we're here.
::Cause I didn't tell them again. I just, that's why we're, that's why we're here so early in the morning.
::I'm afraid of somebody saying no. And this is community radio. We have to be in the community.
::Anyways, I should talk about maybe what we have on the show for today so we can do the show before
::they start catching on that we're doing the show here. So to, and today's show we have this week
::in the Gazette, which is where I go over some of the, the headlines that have been in the
::Gackleton Gazette. And then we have Taste of Gackleton, which we have every show where we talk
::about food and what we've eaten this week. And then we have that product demo of small brooms.
::And we'll learn who's sponsoring the show today. And something to do with small brooms. That's all
::I heard. So yeah, so should we start with those headlines, Parker? I'm so ready. I'm so excited.
::So let's, yeah, I love this part. Are you going to play the thing? I'm going to, let's hold for the bumper.
::All right. We held for bumper. So they'll put the bumper in there. Oh, no, we don't. That's,
::they put the, Jen puts in the bumper when I, when I give them the tapes, because I give them the
::tape. Can you tell me what it, what it said? Or is that going to mess it up? I don't really know
::what it says. It says it has some music and then they say some things. I think I hope, I hope everybody
::enjoyed that. I hope they enjoyed it too. And I just give them the tape. All right. So the first
::headline that I have here from the, the Gackleton Gazette is Town's Lone Parking Meter Broken for
::two years. Still no plans to fix it. That's what the headline says. Do I say something now?
::Now you say something about the headline. Oh, yeah. We talk, we talk about the news.
::Yeah. I've always liked that parking meter. I'll say that much. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's kind of,
::you know, one of our, one of our monuments almost. One of our which, sorry, Parker. A monument. Oh,
::a monument. Yeah. Am I saying that right? Monument. Am I saying that right? Yeah. Monuments.
::Monument. It's a monument. Well, now that word sounds really weird to me. Monument. Weird. I,
::if you got that. How do you say it again? Monument. I'm going to look it up. I'm not going to look it
::up. We're not supposed to be on our phones. Yeah. We aren't supposed to be on. Monument. Monument.
::That just sounds really strange to me. It doesn't sound right to me either. I think I made that up.
::Or we've just said it too many times now. Times to which, well, anyway, it's lovely. I like,
::even though it's broken, they've done a very nice, I guess it's, so anybody here who's not from
::Crackleton, I'm sure everybody is. I think, yeah. Listening to this show. I think they're all from
::here. Let's hope that someday people are listening to this from all over the place. Yeah, you might.
::They painted like different things at different colors, different colors for the seasons and stuff,
::the broken meter. So, yeah. Well, I think it's kind of like a tourist attraction for the people that
::aren't from here that I think it's one of the things on the tour. Like when you go to the
::visitor information center, when you're entering Crackleton, I'm pretty sure like the tour people
::are that tell you where to go, tell you to go to that parking meter because it is like a monument
::that we have. I know that at the motel where they have the brochures, there's a pamphlet about it.
::Really? They've made a pamphlet. I haven't seen that yet. No, there is. I was because I was picking
::up my uncle, Kristoff, and it was right there. They showed them a collage. Yeah. There's another
::collage. A collage. The different ways that they've painted it. Like a zebra striped and tie dyed.
::I loved it when they did that one. Candy corn. Which course you would love that. Being a cornice
::or and everything. Yeah. That's all I have to say about this. I always mix up the word collage
::and collage. They're so close. Maybe we should go on to the next news headline. Let me just get it
::here. I think this is the right order. I have two on the top. Local Grackles form unusual alliance
::with Henderson's cat against Mailman. That refers to the local birds, the Grackles, not the
::Grackletonians that live here. Some people call them the Grackles, but these are the actual birds.
::What are you looking at? Oh. I hear that. No, there's the sound. It's like a...
::Oh, let me listen. Yeah, it's almost... I'm gonna say it's like a creek or a shriek. A creek or a shriek.
::Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I heard something. I don't know if it's the same thing that you're hearing,
::but I heard something. I got goose pimples on my back.
::No, you call them goose pimples. I call them goose bumps. Oh, shoot. Do you think this place is haunted?
::I mean, I know we're supposed to be keeping it really like things that we're celebrating,
::but that might mean it's haunted here. Oh, that's a good thing. I brought the box of tissues. I knew
::I'd need them. Yeah, you better not. The bots are going to email you again or those weird email addresses.
::Okay. Okay. You're okay.
::All right. So listeners, Parker's just going to take a moment. Parker's just going to have
::a session. Let's just say. Henderson's cat is called Henderson's cat. Henderson's...
::That's its actual formal name. I don't know if it's... I call it because I don't know if Henderson's
::cat is a boy cat or a girl cat or what, but Henderson's cat is very strong. Looks like a tiger.
::Looks like a tiger. Yeah. That's what everyone says going by. No one messes with Henderson's cat,
::which makes sense because grackles are a pretty strong and loud bird that they would
::form an alliance and that mailman probably is quite scared, I would imagine.
::My mom says it's a mountain lion. Yeah, it really looks like one. Bobcat.
::It just stares you right down in the eye. Like, I get the goose pimples, speaking of which,
::the goose bumps in my case, just walking down the street next to Henderson's house.
::Do you see him over there? No. He's walking right through the room. Just doesn't even say hi to us.
::That's what my eyes are glued onto right now. It's so weird over there. And he left.
::And he just left. He just left. Well, that's kind of like an apparition, I would say, but I shouldn't
::say because I'm not going to let you get that fish hook in my in my cheek.
::Yeah, I know. I know. I, you know what? When it was coming out, I heard it myself.
::But just a slight moment before I said the words, I was like, Oh, I shouldn't say this,
::but oh, there I go. Why wouldn't you say hi to us? I really couldn't say. I mean, I'm not good on the
::social dynamics, especially. Yeah, he definitely saw us. Definitely took a look in our direction.
::And just kept walking. That was the man who was facing the wall in the other room. Okay,
::I was wondering because by your description of just standing there, that seems like the kind
::of activity that kind of person would do walking through a room. We wish him the best. How's that?
::Yeah, because I don't think that person knows what we're doing because I didn't tell anyone
::before we got here. Surprise. Surprise. But it's so early. It's so early in the morning. And we're
::doing a community thing. So the next news item is local corn cake bake off. Oh, Parker. There you
::go. Corn cake bake off set for mid September date. And there's a quotation marks around this. Perfect.
::So that's the, that's the say because they did the date setting for the corn cake bake off.
::They had the date setting event and it's now set for what's what's what is it again? Because
::I'm they I didn't hear they don't tell me this what what date is it? It just says mid September,
::but it's September 14th is the date September 14th. Oh no.
::Parker. Oh, that stinks because I'm not going to be here September 14. Oh no. Oh no. And I have no
::choice about it. I have to visit her. Oh, who are you visiting? And can you put it off? I mean,
::do they know that it's the corn cake bake off? I mean, that's our that's our biggest event here.
::It's more important than Christmas in Grackleton. No, my mom's sister and Eloise. I can't get out of
::it cheap. And yeah, every time every year I try to do it and every no, I know I have to go. So I
::will not be attending this week's court this year's corn cake bake off. Oh, what do you well,
::what's so important that you're doing? Well, once a year we visit and Eloise because my mom says
::that if we are nice to her, then she might put us into the will. So yeah, yeah, that is that's
::pretty that's pretty important. Yeah. Yeah. But I do love her. It's not I'm not doing it just for
::the will. I don't know if my mom does, but I love her. She's right. Nice. But I just I'd rather
::be baking corn cakes. Yeah, I mean, anyone would be rather baking corn cakes and doing anything else.
::I would think it's more important than Christmas. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know what,
::are you going to still bake a corn cake for the bake off that and get someone else maybe to
::represent you because I heard that you could do a stand in. They don't like it. I mean, they frown
::up on it, but they do allow it. I didn't know if you would be able to. Oh, I don't know if you're
::baking or not. But I maybe maybe you could do it this year. Help me help you get off a second to
::last place. Yeah. And I have a recipe thought out and everything. Okay, I'll do that for you,
::Parker. I'll do that for you. Yeah, because it was going to be pretty like I was going to probably
::record a little session at the bake off. So, you know, if I was representing, it would be very
::hard for me to represent myself and also do a non partial event review. So it might be best that
::I represented someone else, I think I trust I trust you and I will I will deputize you. Oh,
::pretending. I guess here we go. Here it goes. You guys might want to turn down the radio. Oh,
::this is going to be shocking. I'm pretending that I am the queen of England. Oh my goodness.
::Look at my voice. I want to deputize you. I'm going to make you a night. Here's the jokes.
::The jokes coming up. Oh, there's going to be a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch this. This is the part
::through this is the shocking part. I'm going to deputize you with my sword. Oh, no, I cut your
::ear off. Oh, no, there goes my ear. There goes your ear. Listener, it was just a pretend sword.
::Don't be worried. Actually, no, do we should not have done that? Is that going to hurt somebody?
::You know what? I don't know. But even if it did, I'm in the right place because we're in a funeral
::part. There we go. There we go. So, anyways, so, listener, that's our that's all of our week in
::the Gazette. And now we're going to just pause for a quick break from one of our friends of the
::show and we'll be back after this. Hi. This show today, Grack Public Access is brought to you by
::Small Brooms. This ad is brought to you by the Small Broom Seller Association, which you can join
::if you sell small rooms in the greater Gragleton area. That's Gragleton proper and all of the farms
::in the surrounding region. So if you live in that region and you sell small rooms, you can join the
::Small Broom Association, who is sponsoring today's show, Grack Public Access Episode 3. So, Small
::Brooms, if you sell them, there's an association you can be represented by if you're in Gragleton
::in the surrounding Grag-- in the greater Gragleton region.
::Welcome back, listeners. We're back and you're listening to 101.7 FM, the Grack, and this is
::Grack Public Access with Parker and Tog. We're at Linda's Funeral Parlor, aren't we, Parker?
::That's right. And when we were, just so everyone knows that I have a little bit of a, I might be
::getting a little bit of a tummy ache. I used the bathroom and as Tog told me after I got back,
::the bowl of the bowl that was in there, it was not a food bowl, it was potpourri.
::And I, well, I found out about three handfuls too late, you know. So my stomach is doing some
::results. You must be quite used to that since you don't look at your food before you consume it.
::Well, this one I looked at and I thought it looked wonderful.
::Oh, I mean, it's very pretty. Potpourri is generally quite beautiful, yeah.
::Beautiful. It was wonderful. And then I, something didn't feel right in my mouth because I felt like
::sticks and stuff. Right, right. And it would, I would only imagine it didn't taste correct either,
::being potpourri and all. Tasted like, well, I'm going to say like perfume a little bit.
::Yeah. Yeah. And like, you have to walk into like a health food store and there's the smell
::that it's like, you know, the herbs and like an apothecary and whatnot.
::Right. Because they often have that next to the door to maybe entice you to come in or something.
::It was like that. It was like, you know, like a, somebody who was a wizard's brood.
::Yeah. Oh God. Oh, did the mic pick that up? Yeah, it did. I could hear it in my headphones.
::Yeah. Oh, there's, oh, there's somebody that just passed by again. It wasn't, it wasn't that same person.
::Yeah. Different. Yeah. This was, this was one I didn't recognize her hair. So we can paint the
::seascape for the audience. Our hair was up in a tight perm. It looked like a, and you know,
::very floral. Yeah. Like the potpourri gown and, you know, walked in and out and a little bit.
::Steer that as well. I wonder if it's Linda. Yeah. It could be Linda. Yeah, I've met Linda. So,
::yeah. Who can we ask? I don't know. And honestly, I'm kind of afraid to go ask somebody if we can,
::because I, because again, they don't know that, well, they know that we're here, I guess, but
::we haven't addressed that directly yet that we're here. We're at Linda's Funeral Parlor in the
::parlor of Linda's Funeral Parlor, which is a, it's not our sponsor this week. Our sponsor is
::Smallbrooms, something to do with Smallbrooms. But coming up next, Parker and I, as speaking of
::popar eating is the taste of Grakelton. Taste of Grakelton. Hold for a moment. Taste of Grakelton.
::Oh, yum. Yum. Yeah. Let's do it. All right. So Parker, we're just going to talk about something
::that we ate this week or enjoyed or made or found, discovered a new food, Parker. What was going on
::in your gastronomic week? That's right. I don't know if the audience can see my stomach. The size
::of my stomach now has, this happens sometimes. It's inflating. So, well, of course, the audience
::can't see anything. This is for their ears only. They can maybe hear that going on. I think I'm
::probably hear that. Yeah. It's elastic feel, feel. Oh, yeah. So I'm hoping. Yeah. And there's,
::it hurts when I do this. You should probably shouldn't do that. You'll be running off.
::You'll be running off away from the microphone again. I had a delicious dish called, I think it's
::a Taiwanese dish called three cup chicken. Three cup chicken. Three cup chicken. This is a real
::thing that I asked the server about this. And it is a cup of, let me see if I get this right,
::a cup of sesame oil, a cup of soy sauce, right? And a cup of rice vinegar, I think is the
::third one. Wow. And then they get delicious. They cook it with garlic and with Thai basil. I
::guess it's different than, obviously Thailand is different than Taiwan, but they both share a basil.
::I'm sure they share many wonderful things together. Yeah. And yeah. And so it was a lovely dish and
::I applauded. Oh, well, that sounds, that sounds like, it sounds like a lot of oil and vinegar,
::but that sounds like it would go together very nicely. I don't think they, so I think the portions
::they gave me weren't full. Oh, okay. But like they, I think when they make it like for like a big
::occasion. Like a big pot or something. For some reason, you know what the seascape I was picturing
::in my head involved? Like, I don't know, just pouring that over the chicken when it got to your
::table for some reason, which makes no sense. I guess that makes no sense. Oh, God. Oh, I saw
::movement like on your stomach. And you weren't poking it at that point. Nope. Yeah, it was,
::it was something trying to get out. Trying to get out. That's a joke from the movie.
::Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I don't watch a lot of movies really, but I know that's that was there.
::But yeah, so I'm okay. I'm just gonna sit here. I was at this beautiful chair. I'll sit,
::do you know what the back of, look at the back of the chair. It's that thing where they take the
::fabric goes in like little buttons. They put like little buttons that things. Yeah, the fabric
::goes in. It's like a, it's like a focaccia bread almost. How well there's, oh, well they, yeah,
::you poke the bread on the top and it, yeah. Yeah.
::Did you hear that? I am I going? No, I, I, I, yeah. No, I heard that. I heard that, that time.
::Maybe it's just from the apartment upstairs. Maybe Linda went up. Maybe Linda does live upstairs.
::That did not sound. Oh, yeah. It sounded like, it sounded like a shrieker.
::You know, some kind of a shriek and then a clack. What is it called a clamper when they,
::you know, I've like, there's an animal in the attic and there's, you hear like little footsteps
::and is that a clamper? What's, what is the word? I have no idea which word you're looking for Parker.
::Clam, clam, clam, clam. I hope I'm not saying any bad words because that's not my,
::yeah. Well, if, if you are, then I'm not bleeping them because I don't know those.
::Because we don't know. So they, I don't know. They can't hold that against us.
::So listener, if, if that is a bad word, we apologize, but we're completely oblivious to that fact.
::We, that, that way, I'm not even a winky. Yeah. We are. I'm not winking either, listener.
::We're not winking at all. So my, my thing, my food of this week that I'm bringing up is Christmas cake
::because it's a cake. It's a Christmas cake and I have to say I, I just saw it. I didn't,
::I didn't eat it because I think it is the nastiest cake that there ever was. And I know that we're
::only supposed to bring joyful things onto the show this week. So this is an exception and I
::apologize to everybody listening, but I saw a Christmas cake this week and of course it's
::nowhere near Christmas and, and Christmas isn't Grappleton's biggest, biggest celebration. Of
::course that is the, the corn cake bake off, but I did see a Christmas cake in June in Grappleton
::and it is the wrong time of year for it. I would like to say, and now that I have this platform
::and I would also like to say that it is such a nasty cake that it shouldn't even bear the
::moniker of cake. There I said it and that is my shock, shock for this week is my thoughts on
::Christmas cake. I am sinning. The audience can't see me, but I am sinning here with my jaw just
::wide open as talk saying this because that was, that was very mean of you. Oh, oh, well you know
::what? I'm going to ask when they, when they produce the show, because listening, if you don't
::know, we're taping this on a cassette tape and then we give the cassette tapes to the radio
::station and they make this and put it somehow on the radio and I'm going to ask them to put some
::like air horn sounds. I think that's what shock jocks do. Is they put air horn, air horns, air horns
::sometimes a fog horn. Okay, a fog horn. So I hope that they put some of those sounds in for my
::shocking confession that I just made, but so you like a Christmas cake Parker?
::No, I'm not going to be, but I'm not going to be mean and horrible. Oh, I see. You know what I'm
::saying? What you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. And that might temper this enough
::for the fact that we're trying to do a show that is like congenial or whatever affable.
::You should have problems with that. I will. I apologize. No, I actually do. I don't want to.
::No, I see your face. I see your face. The listeners don't see your face. The listeners
::don't see your face, but I see your face and I actually feel really bad right now. I actually
::know I think I need these tissues myself. Oh my gosh. I actually feel really bad because we
::promised at the beginning of the show that we weren't going to be negative. Stop it.
::I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to the listener. I'm so sorry to you, Parker. And I didn't expect to
::need these tissues. And here we go. I went back on our promise to do a show that only brought
::up joyful things. And there I went and brought up the Christmas cake.
::Okay, I'm going to, I'm pulling it together, Parker. I'm pulling it together for the listeners.
::It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. This was my bad, Parker. This was something I brought up.
::It was your turn to cry. It was your turn to cry and I took it from you. No, that's okay. No,
::it's, you're just doing it like a friendly cry. Like I cry. When I see someone else cry, I start
::to cry too sometimes except for this show with you for some reason. I didn't mean to show. No,
::it's fine. It's fine. Here you go. Yeah, there we go. Okay, we're all, we're all good. Maybe we
::should look, I'm good. Let's just do the other, the other advertisement right now. We'll go to,
::to that advertisement and we'll just, we'll take a beat and then we'll come back to the show.
::I'm here. We're back. We're back. You're still here. You didn't, we didn't actually pause though.
::We just kept talking. Yeah, we didn't, we didn't actually go anywhere. You pointed at me to start
::talking again and then I did, but there was no, it's funny because it's like a timescape. You pointed
::so the listener at home had more time elapsed than we did here. Yes, they did. Yeah, because,
::because we hand off the tapes and then they do all the stuff. So, so yeah, they don't have the same
::timeframe that we do doing the show. That's really weird. It's like, this, that's relativity. That's
::all about relativity. It is. So we're kind of doing science here. Science. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,
::wonderful. There's that woman again. Hi. Hi. I'm going to do the auto test. Hey. Hey. Hey. Okay. She's
::not just walking straight by you. Yeah. Hey, I like your, I like your hair. She's, she's got totally
::gone. Yeah. It's just something else. She really does have the same vibe as the other, the guy that
::walked past. Yeah. Yeah. Same vibe. Well, what can you do? What can you do? What can you do?
::She was good at me. Yeah. So, what can you do? Lots of makeup on both of them. They have an
::extraordinary amount of makeup. Makeup. Yeah. Yeah. It's good for them. Good for them. You
::got to wear a concealer and I wear it because I wear SPF every day. Yeah. And then I put on,
::I don't put concealer on now, but I have because sometimes I get, you know, pimples and okay,
::well, I'm, I'm talking the whole show's getting away. Okay. Yeah. So this is, this is Grack Public
::Access on 101.7 FM. The GRAC. We are at Linda's Funeral Parlor and our theme this week given to
::us by the radio station is cakes, cakes. Oh, actually I have to read the weather. Do the bumper
::for the people who love it. And bumper. This is the weather on GRAC Public Access brought to you
::by Gerald's Broom Store. We carry only small brooms. Their bristle area is less than three
::inches in length and up to one inch wide with any length of handle. If you ask for a standard size
::broom, you will be promptly asked to leave. Oh, that's not nice. Get ready for the weather.
::Southeast GRAC will have a light breeze starting around eight PM.
::And that was the weather this week brought to you by Gerald's Broom Store. You could ask us for a
::broom to sweep the inner corner of your kitchen's cupboards. Unless you plan to do that with a
::normal size broom, we'll ask. Our staff has been trained. Oh, that sounds ominous.
::And we're back from the weather. And I guess we have a friend of the show that just showed up.
::And the friend of the show is going to tell us all about small brooms and what the sponsor,
::what our sponsor is and all that kind of thing. I'm going to go head off because I know I have to
::because I just found this note on the table, Parker. What do you mean? I have to go talk to Linda.
::How did I know? I actually don't know. I actually have no, I never saw. Okay, who's coming?
::Did we know? Yeah, we do. It's Jen. Jen Dahan is here to talk about small brooms. So can you talk to
::Jen while I go? I'm not going to, I don't have a lot to say, but I'll do my best. I'll be right back.
::Bye, come back. Don't be a stranger. Oh, there you are. Oh, you're just set up in here. Okay.
::Hi, so I'm here to demo these small brooms. Hi. I did. Not much other than small brooms,
::I guess. You're Parker, right? I knew from your voice because I've been listening to your show
::and doing the stuff. Oh my goodness. Well, this is me. They say, just do me a favor. Yeah. If you
::are going to be demoing the brooms, two, I guess the two favorites would be this. Right. One,
::don't take a picture of me. If you don't mind, I just don't want to face. Right. Yeah. Can I remember
::your face? Can I remember it? I won't take a picture, but I will remember after I leave here.
::Can I finish the rules? Yeah, finish the rules. And then just if you don't mind, just don't hit
::or break anything in this place because this is not our place. Yeah, I reckoned they don't know
::you're here, do they? I don't handle the details and I'm not allowed to say. Okay. So I have these
::brooms here. They're all small brooms. You see them on the table. I've got a selection of this
::broom here is for corners specifically. This one. That is an amazing broom. That almost
::almost it's shaped like, you never see the drummers that they sometimes have drums, but then they
::have a little thing that's kind of spread out like a broom and they hit the drums with that.
::That's what it looks like to me. That's what I mean. Honestly, I'm looking at this broom thinking
::that might be what they're using and just saying it's for a corner, but it's actually from the
::drum store. From the drums. Yeah, but I mean, actually, actually, I shouldn't be saying that
::because I'm supposed to advertise these brooms, but I might be giving away secrets or something
::like that. But trade. See, you've just heard some. Yeah, maybe maybe maybe talk and put in a trade
::secret. Right. Oh, no, I do the sounds. I take the tapes. I'm actually going to stick around to the
::end and just grab the tapes from you and take them back to the radio station. You do the sounds.
::What is that? Oh, I add the sounds to the show. I edit the show. Oh, yeah. Add the bumpers. I put
::it on the I put it on the radio and stuff. Yeah. Oh, you're part of the show. I yeah, I take I take
::the stuff. That's simply. Yeah, yeah, my friend of the show. I was hoping to meet you one day because
::I've heard your voice so much. So I was worried you wouldn't be friendly. And that's why I protested
::so much about you coming. Yeah. But now that you're here, you seem to be. Oh, I have a reputation
::around here that I'm trying. I'm trying to get rid of it. I'm actually I'm not I'm not what I'm not
::like they say as they say. What do they what do they say? If I may put on my 60 minute I would
::I'm going to have to bleep it. I what does that mean? I'm going to have to bleep what they what
::they call me like I can't actually say that on the radio. We have some rules. Jen, we have they call
::me they call me a call God. You donkey loving areola. Gatling. That always loses it chest.
::Yeah, I figured I'd lose them. All right. So the other broom I have on the table. So by the way,
::none of these brooms can be over four inches in length. That's just the broom part of it with
::bristles. The handles can be any length. So this next broom here is a two inch bristle area. But
::it's actually a three foot long handle took a lot of work to get that my car. Anyway, so that
::broom right here is actually intended to brush off the the screen area of a laptop. It actually
::looks too rough to do that. So I don't think I'd use it myself. I'm supposed to be selling these
::brooms actually. So I think it should be fine on your laptop screen. Don't listen to me. Listen
::to the store, which I haven't even mentioned. So this is Gerald's broom store. You probably know
::it's down by the town center. Small brooms only small brooms only. So only a few inches on the
::bristle part. But the handles can be as long as they want. Sorry. Oh, oh, geez. Parker. Yeah,
::what's going on Parker? The eyes. The eyes or the ice. Oh, the eyes moved.
::Why don't you just come? Oh, he's crying. Just come back the way you went.
::Just come back the way you went Parker. Parker.
::Hey, man, you're fine. Just walk back the way I can see your back. Just turn around.
::Just turn. Well, if you if you are going to trip and fall, I don't want you to fall or something.
::I'm looking at you. Yeah. How about look at me? My eyes are moved. Oh my god. My eyes are moving
::too. So no. Why so the eyes moved. People's eyes moved Parker. There was a painting. No, no, no,
::no, no. There was a painting on the wall of a man. Yeah. And the eyes. It was a husband and a wife.
::And the eyes moved. The eyes. I swear to you they do. But you're sure it's not one of those.
::Like sometimes they can paint things on the way of like you move you move around and it looks
::like the eyes are moving, but they're actually not. It's just like an optical illusion. Can you get
::talk back here? Right. I don't want to talk to you. Okay, I just have to look. I have to cover this
::one last broom because they wanted me to say it like that. They wanted me to say one last broom.
::It's like the broom to end all brooms or something like that. But it's really, it's really small.
::This broom here is meant for fingernails. It's like some kind of finger broom or something like
::that. Right. What are you eating? Tox sister peanuts. Tox sister. So they might not be peanuts. I
::mean, don't you know what a peanut's like? I didn't look. Hold on. I'm just composing myself. They are
::peanuts. Do you need a tissue? Like you are really wet right now. I am. I'm doing. I'm doing better.
::How'd you get that wet going just over there? Like there was. Oh, well,
::okay. I'll run down everything. Yeah. If you don't mind. So we came into, we came into here and then
::I didn't know they were recording, but they were and there were bumpers, but I couldn't figure out
::time because of the relativity and everything. And then Linda wasn't here, but two other people were.
::And we heard like banshee screams and everything else. And then I ate a popery, but I didn't know
::it was popery and my stomach started expanding and that's why I have this belly. You ate enough
::popery to expand your stomach before realizing it was popery. I had,
::mom always says, mother always says to have three handfuls and then see if you like it.
::And so I had handful one, handful two, and then my stomach started. Parker, that's when you ignore
::your mom. Can you get the fudge out of here? Wow. Okay. Look, I've done my, I've done my duty with
::the three brooms that doesn't refer to poo. Don't try to say it refers to poo. Yeah, I will, I'll
::bleep it out. I can do that too. You can bleep that out. Get the fudge out of here. Okay, okay. Okay.
::I'm out and taking my brooms. Yeah. All right. Okay. No, I'm back. I'm back. I'll be waiting
::in the parking lot for those tapes. Oh my God. Thanks, Jen. All right. Uh, you're wet. I said,
::that's okay. My stomach is about to explode and there was a painting, um, and of a man and a woman
::and it looked like an old painting and the eyes moved. Oh no. Um, I, you know what, I think this
::place might be haunted. Don't even say that. Can we please, and then Jen insulted my mom and I told
::her to get the fudge out of here. Well, that, you know, that's not really a curse. That's okay.
::You gotta believe that. I mean, it's, it's a tasty treat. I'll bleep it. Uh, well, I can't
::bleep it because I wasn't here. I don't want to do the show with no one, uh, but you please.
::Going forward. Right. Yeah. I don't need the ghost here anymore. I don't need, uh, the paintings
::or the streaks or the man and the woman who walked by and, um, you're really wet. Yeah. I sweat a lot
::when I get afraid. Yeah. And, um, I got a fright. Yeah. I got a little bit of a fright too. Uh,
::what? Linda's eyes don't move.
::Linda, the, Linda's funeral parlor, the Linda, the floral dress was, in fact, Linda with the,
::with the concealer. Like I have to say there was probably 12 layers of concealer. I don't wear
::any makeup, but I look like 12 layers to me. And, um, like when she, when she talked her eyes
::didn't move and her mouth didn't move either. It was just sounds, but nothing moved at all.
::It was really weird. And I, um, I peed a little. Oh no, I said that on the microphone. I don't know
::so I hope they bleep that out. This is an emergency. You can say stuff like that in emergencies.
::Come into the other room with me real quickly if you don't mind. Okay. Hold on. The listener can
::just hold on. Just hold on. Yeah. Hold on. Come here. Okay. Hold on. Okay.
::Look at the painting. Yeah, I'm looking. Okay. I think that is the man and woman who were walking
::back and forth. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it is. Is that the lady you were talking to? Yeah, that's Linda.
::Okay. Linda's a ghost. Oh my. I am sure of it. Because that is the painting. Yeah. It says there,
::what does it say right under the painting? Oh, it says ghost. Yeah. One word. Let's go. Ghost.
::Yeah, I think that that explains a lot because I could also see right through the floral dress to
::the wall behind. So. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, that's definitely. You might not have seen that. It might
::have been an optical illusion because the wallpaper is very confusing. It is. Yeah. I, I, I, I, initially
::I thought, oh, that's just a pattern. Like that's just a pattern to go with the floral pattern.
::And then I was like, wow, that kind of resembles the wallpaper behind that. But maybe my eyes are
::seeing something, but I'm pretty sure I know what I'm pretty sure it's all right through.
::I don't want us to become litigious or anything like that. This is, we did not,
::we don't know that just because it says ghost on the wall, we don't know that they're. Linda has
::fangs. I'm pretty sure Linda's a, a were ghost. Can we end the show? We should probably end the show.
::It's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. So I have nothing to plug, especially after seeing
::that other than, and I just probably need to go get my change of clothes out of the trunk. So.
::I just, I'm going to leave now. The door handles rattling. Oh, geez. Okay. I, you got to tell me
::what to do because I am very much messed up here right now. I'm pretty messed up too. Why don't,
::why don't you run my belly is a size of a lobe feeder. It is. My fudge and stop making.
::And it's still, it's still moving. How about you? How about you run outside and I'll just finish the
::show. I'm getting out of here. Okay. There you go. Oh, there you go. That's probably a good move.
::All right. So, a listener that is, that's it for this week's, Grack Public Access. I'm Todd
::Chesterfield and who you heard was just Parker Spoon. Parker's left right now and we'll be back
::soon here on 101.7 FM, the crack. Bye for now. Oh.
::So now about TIG who this episode was dedicated to. I lost TIG who is 16 years old a few days
::before this episode was recorded and she was actually the inspiration for the name of the
::main character, Tog Chesterfield. The first series that featured Tog was called Unfuck Your Life
::and it was about getting off of rock bottom from depression and I wanted to honor her with the
::name because she spent two depressions with me next to me on the couch. So Tog is a combination of the
::name TIG, her name and dog Tog and she spent all that time with me on the couch and another name
::for a couch is a Chesterfield. So that was the inspiration for the name. She was an amazing
::dog and I'm going to miss her tons but I'm glad that she kind of lives through this character,
::Tog Chesterfield. Bye for now. You have been listening to Grack Public Access, a StereoForest
::production. This episode was created, directed, edited, produced and Tog Chesterfield was improvised
::by Jen deHaan. Parker Spoon was improvised by Adam. Additional voices and writing by Jen deHaan.
::You can find our shows, transcripts and sign up for a free newsletter to get notified of everything
::we release at StereoForest.com.
::you
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