In this week's Inner Work, I reflect on the surprising grief that can emerge when we begin to understand our patterns more clearly. Sometimes the sadness isn't about what happened. It's about what didn't happen.The support, safety, consistency or care that might have changed everything.We explore grief, boundaries, childhood experiences and what happens when we begin to realise that our needs were valid all along.

These Inner Work videos were previously members only but I have decided to share them with you so thanks for being here.

📩 Business & Collaboration Enquiries

✉️ Email: [email protected]

🎧 Stay Connected With Me

Links:

🫶 To join my podcast membership to get early access to episodes head to: https://the-aspiring-psychologist.captivate.fm/support or to the Apple Podcasts App: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-aspiring-psychologist-podcast/id1605628278 or to YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOwjrIP_jatiqlAivJE2mgQ/join

📚 To check out The Clinical Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3jOplx0

📖 To check out The Aspiring Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3CP2N97

💡 To check out or join the aspiring psychologist membership for just £30 per month head to: https://www.aspiring-psychologist.co.uk/membership

🖥️ Check out my short courses for aspiring psychologists and mental health professionals here: https://www.aspiring-psychologist.co.uk/online-courses

Ask Marianne your most pressing psychology career question and she will send you a FREE bespoke reply! Grab your free psychology success guide here and fill in the most pressing concern box: https://www.aspiring-psychologist.co.uk (scroll to the bottom of the page)

✍️ Get your FREE Supervision Shaping Tool now: https://www.aspiring-psychologist.co.uk/free-resources

📱Connect socially with Marianne and check out ways to work with her, including the Aspiring Psychologist Book, Clinical Psychologist book and The Aspiring Psychologist Membership on her Link tree: https://linktr.ee/drmariannetrent

💬 To join my free Facebook group and discuss your thoughts on this episode and more: https://www.facebook.com/groups/aspiringpsychologistcommunity

Like, Comment, Subscribe & get involved:

If you enjoy the podcast, please do subscribe and rate and review episodes.

⚠️ Disclaimer

This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical, psychological, or professional advice. Any actions taken based on this content are at your own risk.

© Dr Marianne Trent

Hi, welcome along to Inner Work. I'm Dr. Marianne Trent. Thank you for being here. So the episode on the dog poo bags is that one that you've got to grips with yet? Basically we're talking about people pleasing and I thought it would be really interesting to explore maybe some of the grief that can come about as we begin to really reflect on some of the things we might well have missed out on because of the way we've been parented or the way that you've been treated in relationships by past or present partners. And when you develop that insight and when I've been working with clients who've developed that insight that maybe their experiences haven't been the same as other people, there really can be that really powerful grief reaction for what you've missed out on. So grief, as you might well know, is not always linked to the death or dying of someone or something.

It can be what you've missed out on. And we saw this first begin to be spoken about publicly around the pandemic time when people were missing out on the weddings they'd imagined or not being able to have baby showers for very long for babies or maybe even having to delay having a child at all, not being able to be with people that they would want to spend time and connect with. And the idea that it could be not for someone that had died really felt like it was an important kind of cultural realisation really. And so yeah, you absolutely are able and allowed to be empowered to grieve for something that you realise you've lost out on or haven't experienced that you would've wanted to. And sometimes when I'm working with clients who've been through challenging upbringings, so now we just think about what would've been the minimum thing that actually would've helped make your life better.

And sometimes it's just like, actually it would've been really great to have a grandparent who was a safe person or even just a neighbour who was a friendly face that cared about me, that was kind to me consistently and that I knew that I didn't have to second guess. And sometimes we'll get stories where people are like, actually there was a teacher at school, maybe when I was at primary school or even when I was at secondary school that I always knew was going to be pleased to see me and would have time to spend with me. And that was really, really important to me and helped me to show up in all of the trickier aspects of my life because that was enough. And sometimes it's really sad people haven't been able to have those figures. And what we will do during therapy work is we will do a little bit of rescripting so that they have these kind of hero figures that they can almost reintegrate with what actually happened so that it feels like it lays flatter for them.

And that isn't the same as kind of deceiving yourself or kind of lying. That is just if you've got things that are stopping things from laying stuck, then that must be a very important communication from a younger part of yourself. And so it's just helping to soothe that younger part with your more grown up self to help you know that it's okay. When we're able to do that, then those younger parts, the scared, vulnerable kind of parts might not need to drive the bus in the way that they have been in the past. And I think a really powerful idea from the episode with Nicole is that idea that actually it's safe for me to have boundaries. And if it isn't safe, if the relationships or friendships that I'm in or colleague relationships that I'm in cannot kind of stress test me saying no to you, then actually there might well be the fact that we need to end those relationships, end those jobs, end those friendships so that you can be around people where you're allowed to have your own wants, needs, and desires met and to know that that isn't selfish.

You might have been told that you're selfish or too self-focused, but that might well have been because you weren't allowing that other person to have their needs met, but it doesn't mean that your needs were never valid in the first place. I would love your thoughts on this. Please do let me know in the comments and thank you for being here as a member of Inner Work. If there are any topics you'd like me to discuss in future, please don't hesitate to let me know. Otherwise, I'll be back along with the next episode next week. Take care.