Friendships: Blessings, Boundaries, and Betrayal, the real talk they don't post online

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Welcome back to the Broker's Table. My name is Esther Stowell.

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We have Megan, Pyra, and Megan,

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Alsop with us today. And we're going to be talking about friendships.

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Specifically friendships, blessings, boundaries, and betrayal.

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The real talk they don't post online.

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Megan and Megan.

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Good to meet you.

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Yeah.

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So true story. These two just met right now.

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Yes.

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And these two have a special place in my heart.

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Megan Alsop, I've known for over like 15 years now.

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And Megan Pyra. I just met. And we instantly connected.

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And before we get started, I just want to thank you both for being here because I know that you have little ones at home.

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And you can be with them right now, but you've chosen to give me some of your time.

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And I just want to let you know that I appreciate that.

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And I'm really grateful for our willingness to carve out some time to be here with me today to talk about friendships.

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Now, one of the reasons why I felt that it was important for me to have you both be here and talk about this is because you both have a different perspective of friendships, especially with me.

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You haven't known me for 15 years and you having just met me.

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So I would love to hear the different perspectives.

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And we're going to talk about in depth just about more things that we are dealing with in our lives with our work and everything else in between.

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So to get started, we're just going to say, you ever look at a friend and think, girl, are we growing together or are we just here for the snacks?

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Puns on the snacks.

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Right? So true. Is it brownies or is it chips?

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But whatever the story is it from?

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Like how much do we invest in this relationship?

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Yeah.

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So true. So true.

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Okay. As we talked about this episode is about friendship, the good, the bad and the ghost did.

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Friendship is basically a group of projects in adulthood and half the group stopped replying.

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I feel that.

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Okay.

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At the Broker's Table, we talk faith, family and the fine print of real life.

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So pull up your chair and join us and let's get going on this.

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When you're 20, friendship is brunch.

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When you're 40, it's voice notes between chaos.

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The difference between social media, friends and real life friends.

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Friends who loved old you but struggle with new you.

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What surprised you most about adult friendship?

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Megan Pyer.

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Oh, that it was harder than it was in kindergarten.

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When everybody is friends and you can just run up to the playground and say, hey, let's be friends.

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It was harder that more people came and went and that I found that there were less people

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maybe in my circle reaching out to invite me to things that it taught me things that it

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didn't teach me in kindergarten.

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I think that's been most surprising for me.

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Interesting. What about you, Megan?

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Megan Elsa.

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Megan A, Megan P.

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Yeah.

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That's me.

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The first block was surprised me the most about friendships is the freedom that I have to be

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selective.

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It is I can't put my time and energy into those who are investing in me.

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Great, true.

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I love both your answers.

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Yes.

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And I think that that's I take both of those in where there are some times where I see young

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children like connecting and being friends.

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And I still try to do the same thing as you can see.

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Like the minute you talk to me, I'm like, great, we're going to be friends.

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And I'll make time to do that.

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But we all have busy schedules.

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We have families and that could be very, very difficult.

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But I like what you said.

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It allows you to be selective because now you have to worry more not just about yourself.

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You have to worry about your children.

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How will this person fit with my children, what I want my children to see and emulate?

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How will their whoever is attached to them also affect my offspring's, you know, like their.

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Because we want them to model us.

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We do.

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We do.

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That's how they learn about relationships is how I am with you, how I am with the rich.

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And also that feeling of safety.

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Yeah.

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And I think that's like the scary part, which makes it in some way more difficult to make friends.

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Yeah.

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Because there's just so many more criteria.

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That you have to check off before you can even allow that person to come into your like true circle, which is where your family is, which is where your home is.

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So I love both your answers and not respecting that.

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You can't just do it the way you did it as a kid.

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You have to be more kind of more aware.

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Like you want to.

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Yeah.

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And then yours.

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Okay.

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You got to be a little bit more selective.

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So that's very interesting.

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How do you tell when a friend is for a season versus your story?

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I'll have you start first.

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Okay.

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How much you guys invest in each other?

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You know, you're talking about kindergarten.

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Some of my I call them like my life partners because sometimes funships is the words not strong enough for these people and all that.

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I consider you a life partner that I know no matter what, they you will show up.

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You will show up.

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Not without any questions and stand in front of me if we ever had to battle it out somewhere.

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Truly, it's them.

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It's the investment.

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It's knowing that we are willing to change together because when you talk about kindergarten, a lot of my friends I met before or around kindergarten.

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And so being with each other and knowing our background and our history and who we were in our twenties, who we were in our thirties and so on.

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And I think that's what makes our relationship stand out is that I met you when you were pregnant with Dave before I had kids.

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And then now, you know, we both I don't know how many kids you have now.

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What should I get?

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Because I'm adopted.

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So I'm like, I think stuff like that.

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Okay.

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Given our background, people are going to think I have like a billion kids.

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I'm just kidding.

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It's less than a billion.

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I'm never now.

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Yeah.

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And I know you know, and you trust that will show up when you absolutely need to.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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I love that we are so different.

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And yet we have this common friend.

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So I think I'm in an era where I have friends for seasons.

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And I don't have a lot of friends for my story for my lifetime.

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I am someone that moves around a lot.

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And so I'm always popping into a different neighborhood, different community, different state, different culture.

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And that has framed for me friends for seasons.

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Because a lot of the mindset of those friends is you're not in my neighborhood.

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We're not at the same school, same church anymore.

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So it's kind of like out of sight, out of mind.

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So very different.

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But through those seasons, there's a few that still connect.

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There's a few that we love to put that effort in and we love to connect.

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But I'm just in that area where I think most of my friends are seasonal.

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Interesting.

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That was hard for me to have seasonal friends.

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I had to learn how to not be an all-in fan.

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Especially with the kids going to school and our community to be okay with just that face value.

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How you doing? It's great to see you.

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You're well, just being cordial.

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Yeah.

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That's very interesting.

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I'm just now it's making me think because I remember maybe it's very different.

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When you grow up in a city, it's easy to be that way.

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Seasonal.

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Because you don't really see, you know, we're neighbors, but we're not neighbors.

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You see your neighbor maybe like once a week.

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Whereas in the suburbs where we now live, there's a whole community where you're associated, not just in church, but you see them in the store.

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You see them next door.

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And there's that bonding that happens.

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And for someone like me who's a transplant to Utah, I've had to adjust because I still love my city ways of still being a bit like I don't want you to know me.

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Like I love you, but I can still need my own space.

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I don't want you to constantly be in my space.

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And I still have a lot of that.

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So I struggle with those type of suburban community friendships because it is not my personality.

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And it's something I just know that I cannot, I can't fake it.

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It's not who you want.

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I can't fake it.

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It's not who I am.

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So I'd just rather you, when I meet people for you to feel comfortable with like, hey, I'll give you a hug and I'll say hello.

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And I genuinely care about you, but I don't want to be in the nitty-gritty of your everyday life.

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Yes.

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Because I have a whole lot going on in my head and in my household that the last thing I need is to worry about what Bicki's doing, feeding her family.

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I just hope that you're feeding your family for dinner.

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I really do, but I don't need to know what you're feeding them.

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Right.

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How often you feed them, unless I can actually do something to create a solution for you.

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So that's something that in terms of friendship and being from a city lifestyle to a suburban lifestyle, something that I'm very aware of.

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And I try to navigate.

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And I still try to navigate that today.

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Yeah.

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And just balancing.

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And one of the things recently that Megan did was, and I love this, I sent her, we've been talking about different things and she sent me a response and said, you know, this is this is a great thing, but it's not for me.

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And I was like, I love you because the honesty in that is what I appreciate, whereas most people would be very offended.

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But I'm like, I absolutely love that because you just saved me time.

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Yeah.

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You absolutely saved me time from thinking, okay, we've got to do this for me.

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No, you're like, I love that for you, but it's not for me.

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Yeah.

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And that's the same thing that I feel like I get from you.

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Megan has always been very honest with just her, her, your space, your space is very sacred to her.

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And I know that when she invites me in, that it's because she trusts me and she knows that I will not disrespect that space.

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You know what I mean?

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Yeah.

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And I've never thought about it.

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I'm like, man, I sound like a cravant or something.

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Get out of my space.

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No.

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No.

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No.

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That you can know everything about me, but you don't know me.

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Yep.

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And so being able to be my authentic self and to be around my chaotic children because I have to protect them too.

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I don't want any judgment.

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There's no space for that.

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Yes.

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And so being able to create our own family together is so awesome to see how even though we don't see them all the time, like in Utah terms, we live far away from each other.

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But really, it's like 10 minutes.

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But our lives are so full.

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I can't even talk about that because when I mentioned that kind of stuff to people in California, they're like, you mean you're 20 minutes away and you guys don't hang out?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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It's pretty different.

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It's very different.

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We would drive an hour in California and go hang out with a friend.

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The first store.

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Yeah.

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And that was okay.

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But here it's just very different.

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And when I first moved here to Utah, I remember thinking, oh, that's so odd.

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And now I'm doing it.

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And it's just like, you're just an excuse.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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It's just comfortable.

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Like you don't have to, like I can come to your house and I don't have to do anything.

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I can just show up.

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But there are a lot of places like if I feel like I have to put on a cloak, it's not happening.

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So tell me, I'm going to start with you now, how growth in any areas of your life has it ever cost your friendship?

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Yes.

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Especially in my 20s when I moved here from California, I'm meeting all of these new people, trying to invest in these relationships.

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But realizing like, like you said, there's a season, especially in your 20s when you're trying like the biggest problem you have is, you know, dating and all of this stuff.

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Go in school.

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What are you wearing?

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Just knowing who is this okay to leave behind.

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Also, you know, back in the day, it wasn't called ghosting.

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It was just like, I'm not going to call you, you know, but it is, you just, it doesn't feel like anymore.

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It feels like work.

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And so when it starts to feel like work instead of an investment, it's two different things.

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I like that analogy, especially from like us, business minded individuals work versus an investment.

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An investment you want to put more into, right?

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Yeah, you see your return investment and, but with, with its work, it's more like mine to five.

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You're just doing it for the sake of doing it.

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And it's not the same type of ROI.

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So that's very interesting.

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Thank you for noting that.

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Yeah.

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So along that line of growing into a new stage, growing into a new income bracket, growing into a new level of yourself, new habits, new ways of thinking, right?

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You get into a new bubble and then there are some people that don't come with you, right?

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They choose not to.

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Maybe it's the mirror that you reflect back to them of what maybe they're not doing.

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And that's hard on a friendship.

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That can be painful.

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And that's when you get to decide, okay, are you coming with me?

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Right?

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Or is there, is there a middle ground we can find?

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I have found most of the time I end up finding new people that are at that level that are wanting those same things, thinking in the way I'm thinking.

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And so it's sometimes it's like a swap.

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Sometimes it's a little bit of a swap and maybe that friend gets is now for a season, right?

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And I've got new friends that are part of my new story.

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I feel like God always has a way of like swapping things for you.

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You know, if you wish to see it that way, because there are some people that will want to stay with that friendship instead of moving ahead because they feel guilty.

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But our purpose is to grow.

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We're supposed to grow.

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Yes.

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And if you're sometimes you grow at a different pace and that's okay.

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But the purpose is to grow.

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So if you find yourself growing faster than someone else, it isn't.

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I don't feel like it's your job to force that person to grow with you is they have to be willing.

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Right.

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And you just have to be there for them if they choose to.

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But if they don't, you have to move forward because there's nothing you could do for them at the same level.

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Right.

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I've had friends where I've had to let go.

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And then I look back and I'm like, you really were in a friend to me.

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Like you were using me.

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Yeah.

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If you really look at all the things that would happen.

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But I was just, okay, we're friends.

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Yeah.

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We'll just keep this going.

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But so I've had experiences like that where I could clearly see how God shifted.

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He just shifted things so that they can kind of, in not in a way that like it was a mean way, but he just shifted things so that we can grow our separate ways.

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And then as I was able to look back, I could say, okay, I can see how that wasn't for me.

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I can see how that wouldn't work at this time for me where I am now.

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So that's very interesting.

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Have you ever had that experience?

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I mean, you've mentioned that.

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Yeah.

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And I find it interesting is that because a lot of the time, friends aren't ready to go with you, speaks to them security.

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And so allowing them time to like get used to whatever change that you've experienced to know that you still are that safe space.

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I think it's after that we extend that olive branch, try to keep building that bridge and they just, they cannot move forward into what's uncomfortable.

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Yeah.

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There's a time when our paths came together and it's okay if they go off on their own path, which they should.

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Everyone should be on their own path for their life.

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We're still rooting for them.

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They're doing it at their pace and I'm going at my pace that I feel like I should at this time.

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And then maybe, maybe they come together again.

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Who knows?

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And there's some, I don't think it was you that was talking about like we have this city and the suburban.

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There's so many times in my life, like I'm at that city point, but his seat has been printed.

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And I continue like, oh my gosh, I really wish I had time to get to know that person.

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I'm not in that space right now.

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But it grows over time.

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So when I actually do have that time, that friendship already has that foundation and that trust is already there, that is easier to build on that.

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So true.

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Because I'm not a suburban person.

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I don't know if we live in the suburbs.

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You do.

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You do.

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I feel like Utah is one big server.

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Yeah.

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That sounds like a bias.

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It probably is.

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And I'm okay with that.

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That's what it feels like to me out here.

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It's one big old suburb.

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And it's so interesting because growing up, you know, you would learn about urban living, suburban living.

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And I really didn't know suburban living until I came to Utah and I was like, oh, I don't like this.

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Yeah, it's very city.

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That's like the blue pant.

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Yes.

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Very.

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And I kind of like that.

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An anonymity that you get in the city.

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That nobody knows.

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Right.

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And then you get to like a place like Salt Lake where everyone knows everyone.

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And it's like, oh, I met so and so.

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Oh, that's my cousins, friends, fathers, fathers.

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And you're like, okay, can I just not know anyone today?

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Just one day, one second.

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But it's also a.

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It has to draw, you know, it's drawbacks, but it's also has the upside tonight.

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: 00:18:36

I try to focus on the upside because it's like, oh, then for me, it's like, we're all one big family, right?

321

: 00:18:42

Because then if we have that connection, then it's like the way that I feel for you, the way that I feel.

322

: 00:18:46

The way that I treat you is just changes.

323

: 00:18:49

But any who, not every friend who starts with you is meant for your, for your sequel.

324

: 00:18:56

And some friends are assignments.

325

: 00:18:58

Some are electives.

326

: 00:18:59

And I love those two different ways of seeing that.

327

: 00:19:02

Just as we talked about city versus suburban.

328

: 00:19:05

And you know, how the difference our eyes, you know, impact us in the different ways.

329

: 00:19:11

What are differences you see between social media friends and real friends?

330

: 00:19:15

Real life friends.

331

: 00:19:16

Something that I think social media has done in our thought about friendship is we see these great reels.

332

: 00:19:27

And they've got all the girlfriends together and they're having this amazing spread of a dinner and everyone's dressed fabulous.

333

: 00:19:35

And they bring you into this moment and you're like, oh, I would love a friend group like that.

334

: 00:19:40

Like, how come I don't have a friend group like that?

335

: 00:19:42

Or how come I'm not invited to stuff like that?

336

: 00:19:44

So it starts to play with like, who I want that and why don't I have that?

337

: 00:19:49

Right?

338

: 00:19:50

A little bit.

339

: 00:19:51

But then because I'm a grown woman and I have, I have had some experience.

340

: 00:19:59

Right?

341

: 00:20:00

I go, okay, wait.

342

: 00:20:02

I've hosted one of those things before.

343

: 00:20:05

And that is a lot of work.

344

: 00:20:07

Yes, it is.

345

: 00:20:08

And I have invited people that didn't know anybody else and they showed up anyway.

346

: 00:20:13

They showed up nervous and they showed up scared and they showed up for the event.

347

: 00:20:21

And I brought people together and did that and maybe I didn't film it for social media and maybe I didn't share it.

348

: 00:20:28

But my thought is, right?

349

: 00:20:31

My thought is that moment that I'm seeing kind of plays with what we think friendship should be.

350

: 00:20:39

Should be, right?

351

: 00:20:41

And it plays with maybe that's not real as far as the ease and the beauty and everything of it.

352

: 00:20:49

The 30 second clips.

353

: 00:20:50

The 30 second clip into your life.

354

: 00:20:53

And so if we can look at some of that in that way and be like, okay, let me be the one that puts in the work that creates a moment that I want to be in.

355

: 00:21:05

And I can think, okay, oh my gosh, I'm in this beautiful moment that I've seen other people do.

356

: 00:21:11

And that it comes with a lot and that's okay.

357

: 00:21:15

Like if you want the friendship, it's okay that it comes with a lot.

358

: 00:21:19

So that's interesting.

359

: 00:21:21

Yeah, that's a lot of work.

360

: 00:21:24

And I love those moments.

361

: 00:21:28

But I look at it in the sense of if you want that, you need to bring your chair to the table.

362

: 00:21:35

Whether it's business or friendships, it's like you cultivate what it is that you want.

363

: 00:21:43

And finding ways to be in that group, it might look different because I'm not going to stand up and do a TikTok dance.

364

: 00:21:50

But you do too.

365

: 00:21:52

That's your truth.

366

: 00:21:53

I think the biggest thing is like, that is your truth.

367

: 00:21:56

Like you're getting something out of that.

368

: 00:21:58

The only Instagram friendships I have are my actual friends and we just send funny reels back and forth.

369

: 00:22:04

Don't give that away.

370

: 00:22:05

How many, how many, she's now getting them.

371

: 00:22:09

I am.

372

: 00:22:10

I don't even send them through Instagram.

373

: 00:22:12

I send them text.

374

: 00:22:13

I won't go back.

375

: 00:22:14

Right.

376

: 00:22:15

Text.

377

: 00:22:16

I live on text messages.

378

: 00:22:17

I live on text messages.

379

: 00:22:19

And my poor husband, like that's where I send himself.

380

: 00:22:22

I'm like, he's probably doing some important work at, you know, his, his communication job.

381

: 00:22:26

And I'm just, I'll send something and say, do not play this out loud.

382

: 00:22:32

But I just know he'll, he'll find it funny.

383

: 00:22:35

But you know, that's really what it is.

384

: 00:22:37

But I would say that for me, I was, I've never really been in like a social media person.

385

: 00:22:44

And I have maintained that for a very long time until most recently.

386

: 00:22:49

And even with now, with what I'm doing is mostly, you know, a great team behind me helping me

387

: 00:22:54

out with those things.

388

: 00:22:55

I'm very one on one, very one on one.

389

: 00:22:58

Like when I spend time with you, it's probably one on one.

390

: 00:23:00

Will you with one on one?

391

: 00:23:01

Because when it's very rare for me to do like a group thing, because part of it is my empathy

392

: 00:23:06

level is very, very high.

393

: 00:23:08

And if I do a group thing, I feel like I'm not giving this person like the kind of attention

394

: 00:23:14

that I feel they deserve for me.

395

: 00:23:17

So it's very rare that I will do that.

396

: 00:23:20

And then even when I leave that in event like that, I'll have to say, okay, let's connect.

397

: 00:23:25

Let's do lunch.

398

: 00:23:26

Let's do brunch.

399

: 00:23:27

So that can at least feel like I heard you or you were seen.

400

: 00:23:31

So that it's not like, I don't know how people do that.

401

: 00:23:34

Like I, it's a lot of energy and I could only do like one at a time.

402

: 00:23:39

Even though friends that I have are all over the world and it's very rare that they all

403

: 00:23:44

come together.

404

: 00:23:45

But when they do, it's like they can all see each other and like why, almost like why I

405

: 00:23:50

choose them to be in my life because there's a certain light that you all carry.

406

: 00:23:56

And I know that that brings me joy and brings great blessings to my life.

407

: 00:23:59

But when you get together, you can see that.

408

: 00:24:01

But at the same time, I need to be able to make sure that you, one person at a time,

409

: 00:24:06

is getting what I feel they deserve from me.

410

: 00:24:09

So social media friends, it's almost like they're not real.

411

: 00:24:14

I don't consider them real because most people that are really my friends have my phone number

412

: 00:24:19

and they're probably in my text message.

413

: 00:24:22

And I think part of that is also for my sanity because I've seen a lot of people, I've seen

414

: 00:24:29

the negative effects of social media on a lot of people, like a lot of people that poured

415

: 00:24:33

out everything and now they have like a complete breakdown.

416

: 00:24:37

And so I'm always concerned about that because I don't want that in my life.

417

: 00:24:40

I can just have regular breakdowns, you know what I mean?

418

: 00:24:42

Like I don't need extra social media induced breakdowns.

419

: 00:24:48

So because I'm so conscious of that, I make it a point to make sure that I connect with

420

: 00:24:53

people one on one or in person and make sure that I'm able to give them what I feel they

421

: 00:24:59

deserve.

422

: 00:25:00

And that's a lot of work too because then that means that like I'm not going to have

423

: 00:25:04

500,000 followers or friends or whatever, you know what I mean?

424

: 00:25:08

But I do appreciate being able to share a little bit of what I feel is good to the

425

: 00:25:17

world.

426

: 00:25:18

Yeah, that's okay.

427

: 00:25:20

Obviously there's a difference between friends and person and social media friends.

428

: 00:25:23

And how do you even like you say categorize that as like are they real or not?

429

: 00:25:29

One thing I do love about social media is maybe we get to feel like someone's friend.

430

: 00:25:34

Like you letting people in like, oh, I feel like she's my friend.

431

: 00:25:40

What does Esther have to say today?

432

: 00:25:42

What does Esther have to say though?

433

: 00:25:43

What doesn't she say?

434

: 00:25:47

Like being someone who can share a way of thinking uplift others that maybe no one in

435

: 00:25:53

my circle or community like is even thinking in that way.

436

: 00:25:57

And I'm like, oh, or being inspired or maybe just seeing how someone does a party or a

437

: 00:26:03

dinner or plays with their kids, right?

438

: 00:26:07

Maybe it's not necessarily a friend, but it's definitely community.

439

: 00:26:12

It's a type of community.

440

: 00:26:14

Yeah.

441

: 00:26:15

Yeah, do feel like that.

442

: 00:26:16

I like that.

443

: 00:26:17

I found mentors that don't even know me, but I'm like, oh, I got to.

444

: 00:26:20

Oh, I love when she puts out something new.

445

: 00:26:22

Like, oh, yes, that clicks with me where I don't have maybe friends and person that are

446

: 00:26:28

given me that, right?

447

: 00:26:30

And so it's a little bit.

448

: 00:26:33

Yeah.

449

: 00:26:34

And I do I feel the same in that sense.

450

: 00:26:36

Yeah.

451

: 00:26:37

I feel like this new generation after us, that is how they see friendships.

452

: 00:26:45

And that's how they feel safe and because they can be vulnerable if someone doesn't really

453

: 00:26:49

know me.

454

: 00:26:51

So being able to share those experiences in that sense of community can be very powerful,

455

: 00:26:57

but yes, it can lead to isolation.

456

: 00:27:00

But it can also be a tool for goodness for those that are more introverted with like C.

457

: 00:27:07

Okay.

458

: 00:27:08

Because I really feel like it really depends on the person that you are.

459

: 00:27:11

Yeah.

460

: 00:27:12

And what you take from it.

461

: 00:27:13

Yeah.

462

: 00:27:14

And I had people come up to me in the parking lot or the grocery store or wherever and they

463

: 00:27:17

are like, you're making and I'm like, I don't know.

464

: 00:27:22

Yes, I am.

465

: 00:27:23

That's the same.

466

: 00:27:24

No.

467

: 00:27:25

Okay.

468

: 00:27:26

I'm like, but you know, and they're like, oh, like they just feel like they know me.

469

: 00:27:29

And so you give them a moment of friendship because of, you know, they are just like so

470

: 00:27:35

excited to see you in person.

471

: 00:27:37

Yeah.

472

: 00:27:38

That you are real, but you've cultivated a safe space.

473

: 00:27:40

Yeah.

474

: 00:27:41

And it comes down to us like that moment, you are what is right.

475

: 00:27:47

You give them that glimpse of, my gosh, it's real.

476

: 00:27:50

It's not an illusion, even though it could be.

477

: 00:27:53

But they feel that familiar.

478

: 00:27:55

Yeah.

479

: 00:27:56

See, I love this because it's given me a whole different perspective, whereas I'm more like,

480

: 00:28:00

I don't want to be out there.

481

: 00:28:02

You're suspicious of everyone.

482

: 00:28:03

All right.

483

: 00:28:04

100%.

484

: 00:28:05

I see you.

485

: 00:28:06

But it is like, I'm not a social media person unless just like trying to learn something.

486

: 00:28:12

But I do have like, and go siblings and he says, nephews that use that to connect.

487

: 00:28:17

And while it does get a bad rap, it also teaches them more about themselves and talking with

488

: 00:28:24

these people.

489

: 00:28:25

Like, yeah, they won't call someone, but they'll DM someone a question that you have no idea

490

: 00:28:31

what you're going to get.

491

: 00:28:32

And that's right.

492

: 00:28:33

You pick up the phone.

493

: 00:28:34

You're very much like that.

494

: 00:28:35

Don't text me.

495

: 00:28:36

Call me.

496

: 00:28:37

I'm like, that's what I'm deaf.

497

: 00:28:38

I can't hear you.

498

: 00:28:39

It doesn't matter.

499

: 00:28:42

But you've been, you've been fantastic.

500

: 00:28:44

Like, I've appreciated all our conversations.

501

: 00:28:47

A lot of it is just ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like all the other ones in the

502

: 00:28:51

screen.

503

: 00:28:52

It's not.

504

: 00:28:55

But it's been a blessing.

505

: 00:28:56

I think that I've been such, I've been privileged to have good friends, but also keep my peace,

506

: 00:29:05

but and also be on a platform and also have my piece.

507

: 00:29:09

I think peace is the core for my life.

508

: 00:29:12

Like it's just very important to me.

509

: 00:29:14

So if I'm helping someone, great.

510

: 00:29:17

If like you said, if it's a way for someone to reach out and be helped.

511

: 00:29:21

And then I don't also don't want to be a therapist either because that is, I'm not a licensed

512

: 00:29:25

therapist.

513

: 00:29:26

So I don't know what I can do, but I can maybe direct people to certain places.

514

: 00:29:30

I think with the way social media does have a bad rap, but I can see the goodness that

515

: 00:29:35

you've pointed out.

516

: 00:29:37

And what I hope and pray is that people are using a whole lot more of what you were talking

517

: 00:29:41

about than the side that, you know, hurts and harms and isolates.

518

: 00:29:47

Yeah.

519

: 00:29:48

Because we do need conversations.

520

: 00:29:50

Yeah.

521

: 00:29:51

I feel that my kids right now are probably learning some things outside.

522

: 00:29:55

And of course, I'm always trying to guide them.

523

: 00:29:57

But I also know that these social media opportunities gives them a chance to like bring up conversations

524

: 00:30:03

with us.

525

: 00:30:04

Like, Hey, I heard this.

526

: 00:30:06

Yeah.

527

: 00:30:07

What is it?

528

: 00:30:08

Or, you know, and it's like, Oh, I wasn't ready for this right now.

529

: 00:30:12

But let's go ahead and talk about it as much as you want to talk about it.

530

: 00:30:15

But so it's really interesting.

531

: 00:30:17

It's kind of expedited things within the family.

532

: 00:30:20

True.

533

: 00:30:21

But I still think there's goodness in it.

534

: 00:30:24

If we choose to use it the right way.

535

: 00:30:26

Yes.

536

: 00:30:27

Okay.

537

: 00:30:28

So that question wasn't so much about whether social media is bad or not, which is real

538

: 00:30:31

friendship versus in person friendship or social media.

539

: 00:30:36

And I like, I really do like what you've both mentioned in that because I didn't see it

540

: 00:30:40

that way.

541

: 00:30:41

I've always seen it as like, Nope, we should stay away.

542

: 00:30:43

So thank you very much for that.

543

: 00:30:45

We're going to go to our second segment, which is the loyalty audit.

544

: 00:30:51

And check your circle.

545

: 00:30:52

Are they clapping or competing?

546

: 00:30:55

The friendship audit idea who feels versus who drains.

547

: 00:31:00

I felt that.

548

: 00:31:03

Oh, I have felt that.

549

: 00:31:05

When we talk about like your, that's when the spirit speaks to you and you're like, okay,

550

: 00:31:09

no, I just have to give them the chance.

551

: 00:31:11

And then you do you're like, I should have listened.

552

: 00:31:15

So tell me about that.

553

: 00:31:17

Who feels and who drains and we are not going to mention any names.

554

: 00:31:24

But it exists.

555

: 00:31:25

It exists in every walk of life.

556

: 00:31:27

So who feels and who drains.

557

: 00:31:29

Yeah.

558

: 00:31:30

Well, even when you like, just when you said it, I was like, Oh, I think everyone listening

559

: 00:31:35

is like, Oh, yes, I've had that experience.

560

: 00:31:40

What I have found is that obviously with a friendship, I love when it's a give and a take.

561

: 00:31:47

You fill me and I fill you, right?

562

: 00:31:50

And we give and we take from each other.

563

: 00:31:52

Then there's some people that maybe again, like I said, have I have a seasonal friendship

564

: 00:31:57

with where I'm the giver that they need something and I'm able to fill that.

565

: 00:32:02

But it's maybe not going to be a long time thing, which is great.

566

: 00:32:06

Right?

567

: 00:32:07

We've met on the path and God gives us the opportunity to make someone's life better by

568

: 00:32:12

whatever we can give them in that way.

569

: 00:32:16

And I've become aware if I am a drainer on a friendship, right?

570

: 00:32:23

Because I never want to be that.

571

: 00:32:25

And I have this friend because you know what it feels like.

572

: 00:32:28

Yes.

573

: 00:32:29

That's key because most people don't even maybe they realize it, but they don't care.

574

: 00:32:34

So they'll just continue doing it.

575

: 00:32:36

Yeah.

576

: 00:32:37

So but I'm sorry to catch you up.

577

: 00:32:38

Go ahead.

578

: 00:32:39

Well, I have this friend that every time we meet, we're very aware of like filling and

579

: 00:32:44

draining.

580

: 00:32:46

And you know, they'll just state like, Okay, what do you need?

581

: 00:32:51

How can I help you?

582

: 00:32:53

Do you feel like you got what you wanted from like our time together?

583

: 00:32:56

And I'm like, Okay, great.

584

: 00:32:57

I have one of those friends.

585

: 00:32:58

You know, which is great.

586

: 00:33:00

That's so beautiful.

587

: 00:33:01

It is beautiful.

588

: 00:33:02

And that's part of the adulting.

589

: 00:33:04

Yes.

590

: 00:33:05

That when you get to a certain stage in life, you're like, Okay, I'm capable of just saying

591

: 00:33:09

this straight out so that you are aware of like where I stand.

592

: 00:33:13

So there's no confusion.

593

: 00:33:14

Right.

594

: 00:33:15

That's beautiful.

595

: 00:33:16

Or I can preface with like, I'm going to be a drain like our are you in a good spot because

596

: 00:33:21

like I need to pull from you because I'm lacking.

597

: 00:33:25

And they're like, Okay, yeah, that will be okay for today.

598

: 00:33:28

But that makes me a better friend.

599

: 00:33:30

That friendship helps me be a better friend to other people.

600

: 00:33:35

I like that.

601

: 00:33:36

Just any relationship in general.

602

: 00:33:38

Mm hmm.

603

: 00:33:39

I feel like it comes down to expectations.

604

: 00:33:41

If you have the same expectations out of that person that they have view, like you said,

605

: 00:33:47

like it's give take.

606

: 00:33:48

But I think it's even respecting whether or in the expectations like with Esther, we can always

607

: 00:33:58

try to show up for each other.

608

: 00:33:59

I trust that she will show up when and how she can.

609

: 00:34:02

And if she absolutely can't, that's fine.

610

: 00:34:05

I want her to be it.

611

: 00:34:06

It's not personal because like what happened recently, you know, are you going to be here

612

: 00:34:12

as it's starting?

613

: 00:34:13

Oh, I'm like, just probably getting off period.

614

: 00:34:16

Okay, I get that.

615

: 00:34:17

But just not it's those that you know, if they could be there, they would be there.

616

: 00:34:23

Absolutely.

617

: 00:34:24

They would help carry that load.

618

: 00:34:25

And I feel that it's the same with family.

619

: 00:34:27

I have some funds that I have like very low expectations.

620

: 00:34:31

And that saves me the extra mental mode of going into things like, yes, not worth it.

621

: 00:34:37

So I'm just going to let them.

622

: 00:34:38

Okay.

623

: 00:34:39

And I think about it as like, this is my service project for the day.

624

: 00:34:42

I'm listening to this person.

625

: 00:34:44

I'm helping them.

626

: 00:34:46

But truly, I care about them.

627

: 00:34:47

But it's like, yeah, it's going to be six months before I see this person.

628

: 00:34:51

But at least I have realistic expectations of what I'm getting out of it.

629

: 00:34:55

Yeah.

630

: 00:34:56

Very interesting.

631

: 00:34:58

I tend to trust the spirit to move people out of my way, honestly, because I do have those

632

: 00:35:07

instances where I meet someone and I just know.

633

: 00:35:12

But then I'm like, just give them a chance.

634

: 00:35:15

You can't just assume.

635

: 00:35:16

And then I do.

636

: 00:35:17

And then they show up their authentic self.

637

: 00:35:20

I'm like, that's what I was trying to avoid.

638

: 00:35:24

But somehow the spirit just something will happen and no, it just shift and it will be

639

: 00:35:31

a very defined way of exiting, whether it's my exit or their exit, but it will be very

640

: 00:35:38

defined and I will feel at peace with it.

641

: 00:35:43

And it's just, it's always so beautiful.

642

: 00:35:45

And I'm like, I pray all the time because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, obviously.

643

: 00:35:50

But like I just I just love the way that it works because it isn't malicious.

644

: 00:35:55

It isn't like cold-hearted.

645

: 00:35:57

It's just the season has come.

646

: 00:35:59

Yeah.

647

: 00:36:00

To an end.

648

: 00:36:01

Yeah.

649

: 00:36:02

I love you.

650

: 00:36:03

The Sabre Cup.

651

: 00:36:04

So I'm trying to say I'm like, dude, I'm public so I can't react.

652

: 00:36:11

On camera.

653

: 00:36:12

This is where I'm not going to jump across the dash.

654

: 00:36:17

So success and friendship has success.

655

: 00:36:20

However, you define it cause friendships to disappear or act distant or friends to disappear

656

: 00:36:26

or act distant.

657

: 00:36:27

No.

658

: 00:36:29

Even think of growth.

659

: 00:36:30

Yeah.

660

: 00:36:31

That's what I was kind of really into was our growth conversation.

661

: 00:36:35

Mm-hmm.

662

: 00:36:36

But I feel that for me, those who are close to me also have that growth mindset.

663

: 00:36:42

Yeah.

664

: 00:36:43

They want what's best for you.

665

: 00:36:45

So you've done a job of surrounding yourself with people you want to become and we're just

666

: 00:36:48

like still working at it.

667

: 00:36:50

Exactly.

668

: 00:36:51

But those courses to me, they have something that I want to be like and I don't want to

669

: 00:36:57

be.

670

: 00:36:58

Or they encourage you to be your better self.

671

: 00:37:00

Or to push you to where you should be.

672

: 00:37:03

We've always done that.

673

: 00:37:04

I don't know if I want to just do it.

674

: 00:37:07

You've talked about it and I'm like, you're so mean.

675

: 00:37:10

Okay.

676

: 00:37:11

But yeah.

677

: 00:37:12

And I feel like especially women are each other's best advocates and being able to have your

678

: 00:37:18

struggle of trust.

679

: 00:37:20

Do that for you.

680

: 00:37:22

But also let you know that realistically what you shouldn't do is so empowering.

681

: 00:37:27

Yeah.

682

: 00:37:29

And along that line, we need friends who are having success.

683

: 00:37:34

Business success, motherhood success, education, spiritual, like whatever it is for that person,

684

: 00:37:41

we need to see that so that we know it's possible.

685

: 00:37:47

And so we need people to see success and we need them to clap for us.

686

: 00:37:53

We need them to share it so we can clap for them.

687

: 00:37:57

Absolutely.

688

: 00:37:58

Absolutely.

689

: 00:37:59

Right.

690

: 00:38:00

And to let people know everybody's doing it at their own piece.

691

: 00:38:04

Success looks different for everyone.

692

: 00:38:06

Like some, like look how we were 15 years ago.

693

: 00:38:09

And that where we are now, like we're both successful and completely different things.

694

: 00:38:14

But the biggest success for me is my friendships and my relationships.

695

: 00:38:19

Yeah.

696

: 00:38:20

Thank you.

697

: 00:38:21

Give me wrong.

698

: 00:38:22

It's nice making decent money.

699

: 00:38:23

But that doesn't hurt.

700

: 00:38:24

And that's the part.

701

: 00:38:25

I'll pick up the Taco Bell tab this time.

702

: 00:38:28

No, but it does put things in a perspective.

703

: 00:38:33

Yeah.

704

: 00:38:34

Yeah.

705

: 00:38:35

Okay.

706

: 00:38:38

There's a guilt that comes without growing people owning our part.

707

: 00:38:41

Sometimes we forget to show up too.

708

: 00:38:44

Who in your life have you realized was a seasonal friend and how did you figure it

709

: 00:38:50

out?

710

: 00:38:52

And I'm going to ask you because I think you have more seasonal friends than do I have

711

: 00:38:58

seasonal friends?

712

: 00:38:59

Yeah.

713

: 00:39:00

What I even call them friends acquaintances.

714

: 00:39:02

You do have seasonal friends that you tried.

715

: 00:39:06

Yeah.

716

: 00:39:07

You've invested in them and they don't give you an inch.

717

: 00:39:12

Then that's when you're like, I see who you are.

718

: 00:39:16

Have a good, you know, get the boot.

719

: 00:39:19

You're like, yeah.

720

: 00:39:21

Yeah.

721

: 00:39:22

I'm going to take this maybe in a little bit different direction in that there are people

722

: 00:39:27

that I have been friends with for a long time and I would love to be better friends with.

723

: 00:39:33

And I'm the one that's reaching out and I'm the one that's inviting.

724

: 00:39:37

And I don't get a lot of response, which then makes me go inward and say, what is wrong

725

: 00:39:43

with me?

726

: 00:39:45

And friendships can be hard that way.

727

: 00:39:46

They can be hard on us mentally because I don't know.

728

: 00:39:51

Because you know you and you know what you can give.

729

: 00:39:53

And you're like, don't you want to be my awesome friend?

730

: 00:39:57

Do you want friends that make you the priority?

731

: 00:40:00

And so I've been in a similar situation.

732

: 00:40:03

I've been a business person for years and I've realized like, I'm the only one that's

733

: 00:40:07

reaching out.

734

: 00:40:08

And it gets to the point where it's not about me.

735

: 00:40:11

Like their priorities are different.

736

: 00:40:13

But it is hard to be like, do you just think it was cool?

737

: 00:40:17

I've never been that way.

738

: 00:40:20

But it is hard like allowing people to grow without you.

739

: 00:40:27

Right.

740

: 00:40:28

But knowing there still might be something there and come back to it.

741

: 00:40:31

Yeah.

742

: 00:40:32

It's hard because you want to see them.

743

: 00:40:33

You want to be around them.

744

: 00:40:34

Right.

745

: 00:40:35

And they're not initiating that.

746

: 00:40:37

Yeah.

747

: 00:40:38

I've come to a point with this friend where I'm like, okay, when they say yes, that will

748

: 00:40:46

be great.

749

: 00:40:47

But you're not waiting anymore.

750

: 00:40:50

I'm not waiting.

751

: 00:40:52

But I'd still love to little bits of contact.

752

: 00:40:55

Not so much energy.

753

: 00:40:56

Not so much time and effort.

754

: 00:41:00

Not so much maybe my emotions invested in it.

755

: 00:41:05

Being spiraling down the wrong, the wrong ladder.

756

: 00:41:10

But yeah, like there are people I would love to be better friends with.

757

: 00:41:15

And maybe it's different stages of life.

758

: 00:41:18

Maybe it's distance.

759

: 00:41:23

But again, we'll see.

760

: 00:41:25

Maybe somewhere down the road.

761

: 00:41:26

We're going to reconnect.

762

: 00:41:27

Who knows?

763

: 00:41:28

Yeah.

764

: 00:41:29

And it is very much what you put out as well.

765

: 00:41:31

And so I know that you're that friend that I still want to connect with.

766

: 00:41:34

But what you just got there is I send a text message and I just like give me the top three,

767

: 00:41:41

give me the bottom three things that are going well, three things that aren't.

768

: 00:41:45

So I can still feel connected and know what's going on without having like a two hour long

769

: 00:41:49

conversation.

770

: 00:41:50

Yeah.

771

: 00:41:51

Yeah.

772

: 00:41:52

Yeah.

773

: 00:41:53

If I ever have a two hour long conversation, it's like by mistake.

774

: 00:41:58

Excuse me.

775

: 00:41:59

No.

776

: 00:42:01

By total mistake because there's never time.

777

: 00:42:05

We've had two hour conversations before children text messages, right?

778

: 00:42:09

Because I can no one else knows what I'm doing.

779

: 00:42:12

Like, uh huh.

780

: 00:42:13

What you're saying?

781

: 00:42:16

Delete.

782

: 00:42:17

But these days, you know, like you have the little kids always around and there's something

783

: 00:42:21

about children where when you're on the phone and you're not, they feel that their attention

784

: 00:42:25

is off of them on something else and you're not present.

785

: 00:42:30

They have a way of like, I don't know, they could be in that other room somewhere and they

786

: 00:42:34

will come into your space and just mom.

787

: 00:42:37

Mm hmm.

788

: 00:42:38

They create that connection.

789

: 00:42:40

And I don't know if what kind of voodoo they have to figure it out, but I see it happen all

790

: 00:42:45

the time.

791

: 00:42:46

So yeah, I am a very text message type of person because I don't want them to feel

792

: 00:42:51

that I'm not present in whatever that they're doing.

793

: 00:42:55

So if I'm out late and I, which is very rare and it's just like, what do I do?

794

: 00:43:01

I mean, I have this time.

795

: 00:43:03

It's quiet in the car.

796

: 00:43:04

There's music, but this is, so I look up my phone and try to call someone in hope that

797

: 00:43:09

someone is awake and not busy and can chat.

798

: 00:43:13

And that's when I have those like one hour or two hour conversation on a drive home, which

799

: 00:43:18

is still very, you know, very, for me, it's very fulfilling because I can catch up with

800

: 00:43:22

someone that I haven't talked to for like three years.

801

: 00:43:24

Yeah.

802

: 00:43:25

And they understand, you know, so what does loyalty mean to you now compared to 10 years

803

: 00:43:30

ago?

804

: 00:43:31

I think I have a better grasp on it.

805

: 00:43:38

Like 10 years ago, maybe it was over at my house all the time and at all the park meet-ups

806

: 00:43:45

and you should know what I'm cooking for dinner.

807

: 00:43:51

And we're going out multiple, like, like that was like a good friend, but one different

808

: 00:43:58

stage of life for me currently, different phase and maybe not needing all of that, not

809

: 00:44:07

needing all of that more, more just awareness of who I am and what I need from friends and

810

: 00:44:14

when I need it.

811

: 00:44:19

Loyalty, but yes, no longer you have my back, right?

812

: 00:44:23

You're going to, you're not going to talk to that boy.

813

: 00:44:27

But now it's-

814

: 00:44:28

Are we egging his house tonight or are we slashing tires?

815

: 00:44:31

Which one?

816

: 00:44:32

Maybe I'm the-

817

: 00:44:33

Let's take it to the streets and have your dance off.

818

: 00:44:35

It's showing up and it's treating my family as yours.

819

: 00:44:41

It's seeing me because we are masks every day all day and it's exhausting, but it's part

820

: 00:44:47

of our lives, it's part of our jobs and so knowing that my people, my core group will

821

: 00:44:56

be there when I need them, one way or another.

822

: 00:45:00

Have any of you had a friend who withdrew and why?

823

: 00:45:05

I've had breakups with friends, but we've found our way back together.

824

: 00:45:11

So a lot of it is over either a misconception or religious reasons without even having that

825

: 00:45:17

conversation.

826

: 00:45:18

It was like, oh, she probably thinks this.

827

: 00:45:20

I think she's-

828

: 00:45:21

Because they all think this.

829

: 00:45:23

Yes.

830

: 00:45:24

All of them.

831

: 00:45:27

That was probably one of my biggest heartbreaks.

832

: 00:45:31

But we found a way back to each other and now we're going on 36 years of friendship from

833

: 00:45:38

the day I was born.

834

: 00:45:40

But it is friendships are those relationships that you can have for the rest of the time that

835

: 00:45:48

you're here.

836

: 00:45:49

So yeah, sometimes you're going to break up, sometimes you're going to walk away.

837

: 00:45:55

But I have not- There's been a couple that I have left walk away because they became that

838

: 00:46:00

dream.

839

: 00:46:01

And I was at peace with it.

840

: 00:46:03

It's like, you do you?

841

: 00:46:06

I'll always love you.

842

: 00:46:07

And I'll be like-

843

: 00:46:08

I'm from afar.

844

: 00:46:09

I'm part of my journey, but you know, you don't offer that comfort.

845

: 00:46:15

I've been on the same page in terms of what I find it is.

846

: 00:46:19

Yeah.

847

: 00:46:20

I feel like the ones I'm aware of, at least, have kind of been a mutual fadeout.

848

: 00:46:27

A mutual stop reaching out from this party and the stop reaching out from me a little bit

849

: 00:46:33

more.

850

: 00:46:34

Again, I'm a little bit more of a seasonal.

851

: 00:46:37

Why is it that?

852

: 00:46:39

Just-

853

: 00:46:40

Did you move around a lot when you were younger?

854

: 00:46:44

I mean, a little bit, but more in my adulthood, we move around a lot.

855

: 00:46:48

So I pick up friends from different places, but there's very few that then want to continue.

856

: 00:46:56

Continue.

857

: 00:46:57

Yes, people are just very like-

858

: 00:46:59

If you're not here.

859

: 00:47:00

If I can't see you then.

860

: 00:47:01

Yeah.

861

: 00:47:02

Yeah.

862

: 00:47:03

You're definitely not going to see me.

863

: 00:47:04

So-

864

: 00:47:05

I've got the hidden shade for that.

865

: 00:47:08

You may get used to that.

866

: 00:47:11

From friendships are in overdraft, we keep waving their emotional fees.

867

: 00:47:16

If your friend only calls when you're winning, that's not loyalty.

868

: 00:47:21

That's LinkedIn.

869

: 00:47:25

Our next segment is the fight, the faith, and the fallout.

870

: 00:47:31

So have you ever avoided a hard conversation and regretted it?

871

: 00:47:36

Yes.

872

: 00:47:37

I'll be honest.

873

: 00:47:39

Yes.

874

: 00:47:40

Anybody else?

875

: 00:47:43

I avoided them when I was younger.

876

: 00:47:46

Now I face them head on because without those uncomfortable conversations, you can't have

877

: 00:47:52

growth, you can't move around with.

878

: 00:47:55

Kind of goes back to what you were saying when you like, no, like, maybe we're not going

879

: 00:47:59

to be friends, but I'll give it.

880

: 00:48:01

And then you're like, oh, yep, I was right.

881

: 00:48:05

So when it comes to like, you need to say the hard thing, if you don't say it, and then

882

: 00:48:09

it comes up again, you're like, I knew I should have.

883

: 00:48:13

I do feel like I am better at saying it because I just don't have the time and energy.

884

: 00:48:20

Right.

885

: 00:48:21

What did you call it?

886

: 00:48:22

You're an adult now.

887

: 00:48:23

I'm an adult now.

888

: 00:48:24

How time for this?

889

: 00:48:25

I'm a grown woman.

890

: 00:48:27

And nobody got time for this?

891

: 00:48:29

Yes.

892

: 00:48:30

100%.

893

: 00:48:31

Yes.

894

: 00:48:32

So it's exhausting.

895

: 00:48:33

It's exhausting.

896

: 00:48:34

That's what I find is just like, it's just exhausting.

897

: 00:48:37

I don't have the energy to fake acceptance or fake like some connection.

898

: 00:48:46

So it's just like, hey, I'm going to save you time.

899

: 00:48:48

I'm definitely going to save myself time.

900

: 00:48:50

So let's just cut it off because it's not, I don't feel that I'm doing any good to you

901

: 00:48:56

or myself.

902

: 00:48:57

Right.

903

: 00:48:58

Well, kind of friend of I, Bean, if I'm not showing up as my authentic self, if I'm not

904

: 00:49:04

because I'm like, you're right.

905

: 00:49:06

I got to want to do that.

906

: 00:49:08

I've been those conversations.

907

: 00:49:10

If you feel like you cannot have those conversations.

908

: 00:49:12

And that's not friendship.

909

: 00:49:13

That's not friendship.

910

: 00:49:14

Yeah.

911

: 00:49:15

I've had some really hard conversations recently with friends about things that I'm like,

912

: 00:49:20

well, why don't you look into adoption?

913

: 00:49:22

Why don't you do that?

914

: 00:49:24

Yeah.

915

: 00:49:25

And so one of the things that we would say to each other is like, how can I support you?

916

: 00:49:28

And then she brought that up.

917

: 00:49:30

And that was like, that is incredibly interesting because I definitely have a different perspective

918

: 00:49:37

when it comes to adoption, even though she's fairly close to that.

919

: 00:49:41

And she's experienced that 100% understand her take on it.

920

: 00:49:45

But knowing that, wait, I'm saying something that's making you feel less than was very

921

: 00:49:51

eye-opening for me.

922

: 00:49:54

But we're closer because of it now.

923

: 00:49:55

Right.

924

: 00:49:56

I find that when you're honest with your friend, the relationship

925

: 00:50:01

grows stronger.

926

: 00:50:03

And for me, that's what helps me grow friendship is when the honesty, you don't understand

927

: 00:50:09

how much I appreciated that text.

928

: 00:50:11

I know I was like, but my end, I was like, I love this because I've had to learn.

929

: 00:50:17

It's a great way you can't know.

930

: 00:50:19

And I used it right away because I had to say no to somebody, not you.

931

: 00:50:25

I used it in a different word, but it was just very like, this is great, but it's not for

932

: 00:50:30

me right now.

933

: 00:50:31

It's great for you, but not for me right now.

934

: 00:50:32

It's like, that is so nice because usually I'll just say no.

935

: 00:50:35

And no explanation.

936

: 00:50:39

But now it's like, okay, there's a way of saying no without hurting feelings.

937

: 00:50:44

But then to the other person, if they're adult enough to understand, then they can see it and

938

: 00:50:49

not be offended.

939

: 00:50:50

And that's what I took away from that.

940

: 00:50:52

And then gosh, I was going to tell you the story.

941

: 00:50:56

The first time I ever had to like, not first time, I would probably say where it stood out

942

: 00:51:00

to me, I remember being in college and a friend of mine, I just, I loved everything about this

943

: 00:51:05

girl.

944

: 00:51:06

She had beautiful hair.

945

: 00:51:07

You know, I love hair.

946

: 00:51:09

If you don't know that I love Megan's got her beautiful hair.

947

: 00:51:11

You've got your beautiful thing going on.

948

: 00:51:13

But I love just how hair changes people.

949

: 00:51:17

You know, it's this thing you dress up and dress down and it works.

950

: 00:51:20

So that's what sparked my friendship with her because I walked in the class and it didn't

951

: 00:51:25

just really say anything to her at first.

952

: 00:51:28

And then we came to class another day and she chopped off all her hair.

953

: 00:51:32

And I was so devastated.

954

: 00:51:35

I was so devastated.

955

: 00:51:36

I was like, how could you like she just had this beautiful, just long hair and she chopped.

956

: 00:51:43

I mean, she was looking like Hallie Berry and I was okay too because she looked beautiful.

957

: 00:51:47

But I was just so devastated because like, you know how long it takes me to grow my thing

958

: 00:51:51

out and you just snipped it all off.

959

: 00:51:54

And so that's how we became friends.

960

: 00:51:56

So started talking to her, but down the road, she was going through some things in life and

961

: 00:52:01

I was I'm very optimistic.

962

: 00:52:03

It's my natural form.

963

: 00:52:04

It's my like my baseline is just optimism.

964

: 00:52:08

And she's going through some, you know, some rough times.

965

: 00:52:10

I'm like, you know, it'll, it'll work out.

966

: 00:52:12

You figure it out.

967

: 00:52:13

She's like, you know what Esther?

968

: 00:52:15

I just want you to listen.

969

: 00:52:17

I don't need you to tell me that it's going to work out.

970

: 00:52:20

I don't need all of that.

971

: 00:52:21

I just need you to listen.

972

: 00:52:22

And I was like, and I was like, you know what?

973

: 00:52:27

Thank you for doing them because it taught me to start listening to people and not just

974

: 00:52:34

be ready to let's it's going to be great.

975

: 00:52:38

Let's get it done.

976

: 00:52:39

It was just more like, okay, just sometimes people just want to talk and you need to give

977

: 00:52:43

them the space to do that.

978

: 00:52:44

And as friends, sometimes that's what you need to do.

979

: 00:52:47

So you want me to listen?

980

: 00:52:49

Yes.

981

: 00:52:50

You want my advice or action now as an adult, even in my relationship with my husband, it's

982

: 00:52:55

like, okay, is this a venting?

983

: 00:52:57

I'm sure you don't want solutions because they also give us solutions all the time.

984

: 00:53:01

So I have to let him know like, listen, I would just want to vent.

985

: 00:53:04

I don't need solutions because I know you're great at the solutions, but I just want to

986

: 00:53:07

vent.

987

: 00:53:08

And it's the same thing that he does for me.

988

: 00:53:10

It's like, okay, I just need a vent.

989

: 00:53:12

Like I don't need you to fix anything because I will, I tell my husband all the time, I

990

: 00:53:16

would slash hires.

991

: 00:53:17

Like who is messing with you?

992

: 00:53:19

Who got you upset?

993

: 00:53:20

Uh huh.

994

: 00:53:21

Point them out.

995

: 00:53:22

Point them out and then I'll follow them and figure out their car situation.

996

: 00:53:27

But, but it was just understanding and knowing that and being an adult to say, what do you

997

: 00:53:33

need?

998

: 00:53:34

Yeah.

999

: 00:53:35

At this time.

: 1000

00:53:36,070 --> 00:53:37,230

Or why are you telling me this?

: 1001

00:53:37,230 --> 00:53:40,510

You know how, you know, it's like, what do you need and how can I help?

: 1002

00:53:40,510 --> 00:53:41,510

You know, do you need help?

: 1003

00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:43,429

Or do you need me to just listen?

: 1004

00:53:43,429 --> 00:53:46,829

And sometimes, and what I love about people is they're because you're giving them that

: 1005

00:53:46,829 --> 00:53:51,349

choice, then it allows them to say, you know what, I think I just need listening right

: 1006

00:53:51,349 --> 00:53:52,349

now.

: 1007

00:53:52,349 --> 00:53:53,349

Yeah.

: 1008

00:53:53,349 --> 00:53:56,869

Because I know what I need to do, but I still need a vent to just get it out of my system.

: 1009

00:53:56,869 --> 00:53:58,309

So that can now move on.

: 1010

00:53:58,309 --> 00:53:59,309

Yeah.

: 1011

00:53:59,309 --> 00:54:00,309

And do what needs to be done.

: 1012

00:54:00,309 --> 00:54:04,630

I had a conversation with a friend recently and we are long distance friends.

: 1013

00:54:04,630 --> 00:54:09,710

We don't see each other a lot, but we've got that friendship and she started the conversation

: 1014

00:54:09,710 --> 00:54:14,010

and she said, okay, I want to share something, but I don't need you to save me.

: 1015

00:54:14,010 --> 00:54:15,210

And I was like, great.

: 1016

00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:20,690

I've got the expectations of what I'm supposed to do in this conversation.

: 1017

00:54:20,690 --> 00:54:21,690

Yes.

: 1018

00:54:21,690 --> 00:54:22,690

And I said, great.

: 1019

00:54:22,690 --> 00:54:23,690

Tell me.

: 1020

00:54:23,690 --> 00:54:24,690

Yes.

: 1021

00:54:24,690 --> 00:54:26,530

And then what's her way of saying, I just need you to listen.

: 1022

00:54:26,530 --> 00:54:29,210

You're like, I just need to say it to somebody.

: 1023

00:54:29,210 --> 00:54:32,340

You say that to my husband now.

: 1024

00:54:32,340 --> 00:54:33,340

You say what?

: 1025

00:54:33,340 --> 00:54:34,340

You just saved me.

: 1026

00:54:34,340 --> 00:54:37,119

I saved myself.

: 1027

00:54:37,119 --> 00:54:40,760

Literally had a conversation with my husband today where I had to stop him because I was

: 1028

00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:44,800

I needed I needed to vent and I didn't preface it.

: 1029

00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:45,800

And he kept interrupting.

: 1030

00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:49,199

And I said, babe, I just need you to listen.

: 1031

00:54:49,199 --> 00:54:53,429

And he's like, oh, and I'm like, okay, noted.

: 1032

00:54:53,429 --> 00:54:55,150

I need to start my conversation.

: 1033

00:54:55,150 --> 00:54:56,150

That are preface.

: 1034

00:54:56,150 --> 00:54:57,590

I've learned.

: 1035

00:54:57,590 --> 00:55:00,510

And it also helps you like recognize like, what are you feeling?

: 1036

00:55:00,510 --> 00:55:01,510

Yes.

: 1037

00:55:01,510 --> 00:55:03,210

Like what's going on with you?

: 1038

00:55:03,210 --> 00:55:10,940

I tend to have this retrospective moments with in where I, you know, if I'm going through

: 1039

00:55:10,940 --> 00:55:14,460

something because we have that internal voice, right?

: 1040

00:55:14,460 --> 00:55:17,940

That tells us the truth about the situation.

: 1041

00:55:17,940 --> 00:55:21,260

And then the external voice is just like, try to mask it.

: 1042

00:55:21,260 --> 00:55:22,260

Like it's no big deal.

: 1043

00:55:22,260 --> 00:55:24,460

It's like, okay, well, actually it really is a big deal.

: 1044

00:55:24,460 --> 00:55:29,570

But let's just acknowledge that and then figure out where we need.

: 1045

00:55:29,570 --> 00:55:34,489

So it's like acknowledge that internal voice is really helpful in recognizing what you need

: 1046

00:55:34,489 --> 00:55:36,050

from someone else.

: 1047

00:55:36,050 --> 00:55:39,650

Like do I just this thing that I just it's exploding inside of me.

: 1048

00:55:39,650 --> 00:55:47,289

Like do I need to vent or do I need help sorting this out because I'm at my woods end.

: 1049

00:55:47,289 --> 00:55:48,289

Yeah.

: 1050

00:55:48,289 --> 00:55:53,289

So to help a friend see that and learn that is so huge for the friend.

: 1051

00:55:53,289 --> 00:55:54,289

Right.

: 1052

00:55:54,289 --> 00:55:56,289

And then your friendship just gets better.

: 1053

00:55:56,289 --> 00:55:57,289

Right.

: 1054

00:55:57,289 --> 00:55:59,329

And like I mentioned with the friend, this was in college.

: 1055

00:55:59,329 --> 00:56:04,889

It's been like years between that and I still remember the impact it had on me.

: 1056

00:56:04,889 --> 00:56:06,449

And I still use that till today.

: 1057

00:56:06,449 --> 00:56:11,250

And we're still good friends, even though we're like far, but when we connect, I support

: 1058

00:56:11,250 --> 00:56:12,329

her and all that she does.

: 1059

00:56:12,329 --> 00:56:16,329

But for me, it really, it grew my relationship with her because I.

: 1060

00:56:16,329 --> 00:56:18,519

Did she go out her hair back?

: 1061

00:56:18,519 --> 00:56:19,519

Is that why?

: 1062

00:56:19,519 --> 00:56:20,519

She did.

: 1063

00:56:20,519 --> 00:56:23,820

She did.

: 1064

00:56:23,820 --> 00:56:30,920

So you say that because she had that hair that could grow back and luckily if I taught

: 1065

00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:35,480

my hair, I should warn you you should you have got to let me know if I catch you and you've

: 1066

00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:40,079

got like Hallie Berry going on, I will make you go back on.

: 1067

00:56:40,079 --> 00:56:43,400

And I'm just going to be like burning it in front of you.

: 1068

00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,599

Oh, I'm my goodness.

: 1069

00:56:45,599 --> 00:56:47,880

That would just devastate me.

: 1070

00:56:47,880 --> 00:56:48,880

Noted.

: 1071

00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:51,199

But yes, but you know, like I do love that.

: 1072

00:56:51,199 --> 00:56:54,840

I love that we are able to have those honest conversations.

: 1073

00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:59,280

And even though sometimes it may feel heavy, it's when you're at a place when you're live

: 1074

00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:04,480

where you just can kind of like take a sit back and say, you know what, thank you for that.

: 1075

00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:08,400

It not only helps your relationship, it helps you with everyone else.

: 1076

00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:10,280

So that's beautiful.

: 1077

00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:11,639

Thank you guys.

: 1078

00:57:11,639 --> 00:57:17,969

What is the scariest we need to talk moment that you've ever had with a friend?

: 1079

00:57:17,969 --> 00:57:19,130

Dun, dun, dun.

: 1080

00:57:20,130 --> 00:57:23,409

It's not an answer.

: 1081

00:57:23,409 --> 00:57:24,409

It's not an answer.

: 1082

00:57:24,409 --> 00:57:25,409

It's not an answer.

: 1083

00:57:25,409 --> 00:57:26,409

Not exposing what it was and what friend it was.

: 1084

00:57:26,409 --> 00:57:27,409

Just kidding.

: 1085

00:57:27,409 --> 00:57:28,409

No, kidding.

: 1086

00:57:28,409 --> 00:57:31,920

We've never had that.

: 1087

00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:32,920

No.

: 1088

00:57:32,920 --> 00:57:36,039

But if needed, I'll bring the shovel.

: 1089

00:57:36,039 --> 00:57:40,130

That's a good friend.

: 1090

00:57:40,130 --> 00:57:41,650

With a garden, of course.

: 1091

00:57:41,650 --> 00:57:42,650

Right.

: 1092

00:57:42,650 --> 00:57:43,650

Do not record that.

: 1093

00:57:43,650 --> 00:57:44,730

Do not put that in the scariest segment.

: 1094

00:57:44,730 --> 00:57:47,210

I do not want the FBI coming after us.

: 1095

00:57:47,210 --> 00:57:48,210

No.

: 1096

00:57:48,210 --> 00:57:50,519

Well, at the pounce.

: 1097

00:57:50,519 --> 00:57:51,519

And you get...

: 1098

00:57:51,519 --> 00:57:52,519

You're so hilarious.

: 1099

00:57:53,519 --> 00:58:00,619

So, it depends on what stage in life.

: 1100

00:58:00,619 --> 00:58:03,900

I feel like I have it with friends.

: 1101

00:58:03,900 --> 00:58:07,849

I don't think anyone has ever had it with me.

: 1102

00:58:07,849 --> 00:58:08,849

Same.

: 1103

00:58:08,849 --> 00:58:12,840

Now that you say that.

: 1104

00:58:12,840 --> 00:58:13,840

Maybe we're just like scary.

: 1105

00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:15,000

Nobody wants to tell us.

: 1106

00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:17,960

Oh, I have been told that more than once.

: 1107

00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:20,449

I think we've had those talks.

: 1108

00:58:20,449 --> 00:58:22,449

We've had it.

: 1109

00:58:22,449 --> 00:58:27,050

Like, some of the stuff, depending on the fun, it comes out naturally.

: 1110

00:58:27,130 --> 00:58:29,369

But never has it been that we need to talk.

: 1111

00:58:29,369 --> 00:58:31,690

Because usually, when we're younger, we need to talk.

: 1112

00:58:31,690 --> 00:58:34,889

I have a crush on the same guy that you have a crush on.

: 1113

00:58:34,889 --> 00:58:38,230

But now it's just like, I need to work through this.

: 1114

00:58:38,230 --> 00:58:39,230

Yeah.

: 1115

00:58:39,230 --> 00:58:44,309

Like, either issues that you're having in your relationship or the next, like, work in the

: 1116

00:58:44,309 --> 00:58:45,380

road.

: 1117

00:58:45,380 --> 00:58:49,400

But not in the sense of...

: 1118

00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:51,239

We need to talk.

: 1119

00:58:51,239 --> 00:58:58,070

I can think of a few instances where that has come up in, out of love.

: 1120

00:58:58,070 --> 00:59:06,940

Out of love for something I saw that I thought, maybe I knew better.

: 1121

00:59:06,940 --> 00:59:09,019

Or I could help.

: 1122

00:59:09,019 --> 00:59:14,579

Or can I help you see this in a different way that you are spinning around it?

: 1123

00:59:14,579 --> 00:59:16,460

And maybe it will help you stop.

: 1124

00:59:16,460 --> 00:59:17,820

And I did have to preface it.

: 1125

00:59:17,820 --> 00:59:20,539

Like, we need to talk.

: 1126

00:59:20,539 --> 00:59:22,260

You might not want to hear it.

: 1127

00:59:22,260 --> 00:59:24,219

And you might not be ready.

: 1128

00:59:24,219 --> 00:59:26,860

And you might be really mad at me afterwards.

: 1129

00:59:26,860 --> 00:59:28,699

So do you want to hear it?

: 1130

00:59:29,699 --> 00:59:33,860

Now that you say that, of course I want to hear it, but I'm still be mad at you.

: 1131

00:59:33,860 --> 00:59:35,059

Which is allowed.

: 1132

00:59:35,059 --> 00:59:36,059

Yes.

: 1133

00:59:36,059 --> 00:59:37,059

Right.

: 1134

00:59:37,059 --> 00:59:38,380

That's allowed.

: 1135

00:59:38,380 --> 00:59:42,699

And then if they do say yes, you're like, oh, okay.

: 1136

00:59:42,699 --> 00:59:45,219

I was hoping you'd say no so that would not have to have to have to have to have to have

: 1137

00:59:45,219 --> 00:59:46,219

conversation.

: 1138

00:59:46,219 --> 00:59:47,780

We're going to push through.

: 1139

00:59:47,780 --> 00:59:51,659

So yes, I think it goes back to what you're saying with expectations.

: 1140

00:59:51,659 --> 00:59:57,780

Like, if we can just say, like, hey, I'm saying this out of love, you've been talking

: 1141

00:59:57,780 --> 01:00:00,460

my era off about this for two weeks and you're not getting anywhere.

: 1142

01:00:00,460 --> 01:00:06,219

And like, can I show you an outside perspective that maybe you're just too deep in it?

: 1143

01:00:06,219 --> 01:00:08,059

But you might not like it.

: 1144

01:00:08,059 --> 01:00:10,219

But like, this is coming with love.

: 1145

01:00:10,219 --> 01:00:16,070

So you have to separate coming with love and coming from your ego.

: 1146

01:00:16,070 --> 01:00:19,389

Because sometimes we think we know it's best.

: 1147

01:00:19,389 --> 01:00:20,389

Yeah.

: 1148

01:00:20,389 --> 01:00:21,389

I know there's times that I've done that.

: 1149

01:00:21,389 --> 01:00:23,750

And I'm like, I'll probably see to cut my mouth.

: 1150

01:00:23,750 --> 01:00:24,750

Yeah.

: 1151

01:00:24,750 --> 01:00:26,309

Because they live and learn.

: 1152

01:00:26,309 --> 01:00:27,309

Yeah.

: 1153

01:00:27,309 --> 01:00:28,909

Put that on a cotton mug.

: 1154

01:00:28,909 --> 01:00:30,150

It has been.

: 1155

01:00:30,150 --> 01:00:32,070

Oh my gosh.

: 1156

01:00:32,070 --> 01:00:33,909

I'm so behind the times.

: 1157

01:00:33,909 --> 01:00:36,619

Obviously.

: 1158

01:00:36,619 --> 01:00:41,980

So how do you know when to repair versus release?

: 1159

01:00:41,980 --> 01:00:45,380

I was going to say for me, it's how I feel.

: 1160

01:00:45,380 --> 01:00:46,900

Can I, am I settled?

: 1161

01:00:46,900 --> 01:00:48,860

Do I have peace with myself?

: 1162

01:00:48,860 --> 01:00:55,519

Or do I feel like something one or the other needs to happen?

: 1163

01:00:55,519 --> 01:00:56,519

Yeah.

: 1164

01:00:56,519 --> 01:00:58,519

I feel that sense of heartbreak.

: 1165

01:00:58,519 --> 01:00:59,519

But loss.

: 1166

01:00:59,519 --> 01:01:05,449

Because you're a good venture part of who you are.

: 1167

01:01:05,449 --> 01:01:08,570

So I know that's how I know.

: 1168

01:01:08,570 --> 01:01:10,050

My anxiety kicks in.

: 1169

01:01:10,050 --> 01:01:16,090

So it's like, if every time you come to mind and it's just like stress.

: 1170

01:01:16,090 --> 01:01:17,090

Yeah.

: 1171

01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:18,090

Uh oh.

: 1172

01:01:18,090 --> 01:01:19,090

I can't do it.

: 1173

01:01:19,090 --> 01:01:23,969

Like my body would literally react to a person.

: 1174

01:01:23,969 --> 01:01:25,730

And I have seen that happen.

: 1175

01:01:25,730 --> 01:01:33,210

And this is where I say that I'm like grateful to God because he does, he knows me deeply.

: 1176

01:01:33,210 --> 01:01:38,849

And he knows that I don't need that confrontational, you know, effect.

: 1177

01:01:38,849 --> 01:01:43,570

So he just makes a way that they just part like Moses part and the Red Sea.

: 1178

01:01:43,570 --> 01:01:46,489

They just part and go their own way.

: 1179

01:01:46,489 --> 01:01:51,730

Because I remember, and I won't give up too much detail in this one, but I remember this

: 1180

01:01:51,730 --> 01:01:56,389

one particular person where something was ending.

: 1181

01:01:56,389 --> 01:02:02,510

And that end meant that we would be in the same vicinity.

: 1182

01:02:02,510 --> 01:02:10,710

And that gave me so much anxiety, so much anxiety that I remember talking to my husband

: 1183

01:02:10,710 --> 01:02:17,110

and saying like, I don't know that I'll be able to go to this space with that person.

: 1184

01:02:17,110 --> 01:02:23,099

Like I'm not looking forward to this end because this end is signaling this beginning.

: 1185

01:02:23,099 --> 01:02:24,820

And I don't want that.

: 1186

01:02:24,820 --> 01:02:26,639

Like I literally don't want that.

: 1187

01:02:26,639 --> 01:02:30,219

And then something came up and God just shifted us.

: 1188

01:02:30,219 --> 01:02:32,139

And I never had to experience that.

: 1189

01:02:32,139 --> 01:02:36,260

So when I tell you, I need to send that down.

: 1190

01:02:36,260 --> 01:02:37,940

No, I haven't.

: 1191

01:02:37,940 --> 01:02:38,940

Hello God.

: 1192

01:02:38,940 --> 01:02:39,940

Can I get that in my life?

: 1193

01:02:39,940 --> 01:02:40,940

Yeah.

: 1194

01:02:40,940 --> 01:02:41,940

Are you there?

: 1195

01:02:41,940 --> 01:02:44,389

It's me.

: 1196

01:02:44,389 --> 01:02:50,150

I have had so many situations like that in my life that I just, I'm at this point where

: 1197

01:02:50,150 --> 01:02:57,019

if something is, I can see something that is not good for me, I'm not, I don't fight

: 1198

01:02:57,019 --> 01:02:58,219

it anymore.

: 1199

01:02:58,219 --> 01:03:00,860

I just tell God literally Jesus take the wheel.

: 1200

01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:06,230

Like you handle that because you know, I don't have the energy or strength to even deal with

: 1201

01:03:06,230 --> 01:03:07,230

that.

: 1202

01:03:07,230 --> 01:03:11,389

So you shift that when it needs to shift and do it in a way that's just beautiful that nobody

: 1203

01:03:11,389 --> 01:03:15,030

will even know that what I felt inside.

: 1204

01:03:15,030 --> 01:03:22,590

But for me, when to like knowing when to releases just how my body like will physiologically,

: 1205

01:03:22,590 --> 01:03:27,070

like how I will feel and a big part of that is just my anxiety.

: 1206

01:03:27,070 --> 01:03:29,550

And I feel like that doesn't like lie to me.

: 1207

01:03:29,550 --> 01:03:31,469

Like what is it about this?

: 1208

01:03:31,469 --> 01:03:33,829

You know, this, yeah, it really does.

: 1209

01:03:33,829 --> 01:03:34,829

So,

: 1210

01:03:34,829 --> 01:03:38,750

So with this situation, was this a close loyal fund?

: 1211

01:03:38,750 --> 01:03:41,230

Or was this a seasonal fund?

: 1212

01:03:41,230 --> 01:03:52,369

It was someone that probably wanted to be a close friend, but they just didn't meet my

: 1213

01:03:52,369 --> 01:03:55,929

criteria and not saying that they weren't a good person.

: 1214

01:03:55,929 --> 01:03:58,650

They just, they drained.

: 1215

01:03:58,650 --> 01:03:59,650

They drained.

: 1216

01:03:59,650 --> 01:04:03,650

Yes, they absolutely drained.

: 1217

01:04:03,650 --> 01:04:08,800

And it was the kind of draining that I just could not afford.

: 1218

01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:09,800

Right.

: 1219

01:04:10,440 --> 01:04:12,320

I'm living life with a family.

: 1220

01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:18,039

I'm running a business and I'm also trying to be friends and with friends, you know,

: 1221

01:04:18,039 --> 01:04:19,800

have friends and family.

: 1222

01:04:19,800 --> 01:04:25,480

And this person would just suck up the whole air and just, and I was just like, whoo, I

: 1223

01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:27,199

can't, I can't.

: 1224

01:04:27,199 --> 01:04:31,199

So I definitely, that was a release that God helped me release.

: 1225

01:04:31,199 --> 01:04:32,199

Yeah.

: 1226

01:04:32,199 --> 01:04:35,079

What's really beautiful about what you're doing here.

: 1227

01:04:35,480 --> 01:04:40,039

And this platform is those things we just said is going to be a light bulb for somebody

: 1228

01:04:40,039 --> 01:04:43,619

being like, Oh, I don't have to feel that way.

: 1229

01:04:43,619 --> 01:04:46,500

Oh, I never connected the dots.

: 1230

01:04:46,500 --> 01:04:48,139

And so thank you for that.

: 1231

01:04:48,139 --> 01:04:49,139

Yeah.

: 1232

01:04:49,139 --> 01:04:50,699

I feel like I'm ghosted a lot more now.

: 1233

01:04:50,699 --> 01:04:54,039

It just gets out.

: 1234

01:04:54,039 --> 01:04:55,039

You know what?

: 1235

01:04:55,039 --> 01:04:56,639

They say the truth was set you free.

: 1236

01:04:56,639 --> 01:04:57,639

There you go.

: 1237

01:04:57,639 --> 01:05:01,679

So you're being honest about how you feel and whoever needs to be released will release

: 1238

01:05:01,679 --> 01:05:04,840

themselves and whoever needs to stay will stay.

: 1239

01:05:04,840 --> 01:05:08,639

I'm not a fan of like trying to hold on to things that don't belong to me.

: 1240

01:05:08,639 --> 01:05:11,820

So if you're here to stay, stay.

: 1241

01:05:11,820 --> 01:05:13,969

If you're not, get the step in.

: 1242

01:05:13,969 --> 01:05:16,250

I know you're staying.

: 1243

01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:18,849

I know where you live.

: 1244

01:05:18,849 --> 01:05:20,170

My loyal friends.

: 1245

01:05:20,170 --> 01:05:21,889

They're stuck with me forever.

: 1246

01:05:21,889 --> 01:05:23,610

I'll follow them.

: 1247

01:05:23,610 --> 01:05:25,530

Say it, address it.

: 1248

01:05:25,530 --> 01:05:28,489

Pray it, ask for peace.

: 1249

01:05:28,489 --> 01:05:32,739

Release it, accept outcome.

: 1250

01:05:32,739 --> 01:05:35,179

Will block someone faster than will bless them.

: 1251

01:05:35,179 --> 01:05:39,599

I blocked people so quickly.

: 1252

01:05:39,599 --> 01:05:42,239

Like all those like, oh, is this Jane?

: 1253

01:05:42,239 --> 01:05:43,920

No, it's not Jane block.

: 1254

01:05:43,920 --> 01:05:45,039

You know it's not Jane.

: 1255

01:05:45,039 --> 01:05:47,519

You know you're just sending me messages.

: 1256

01:05:47,519 --> 01:05:50,920

Just try to like catch someone to communicate with.

: 1257

01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:53,440

And I know there are people out there that really do need to talk to someone, but it's

: 1258

01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:55,079

like, this is my time.

: 1259

01:05:55,079 --> 01:05:59,800

It's the most valuable thing I have on earth and I have to be mindful of how I spend it.

: 1260

01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:01,800

So go please go look for your Jane.

: 1261

01:06:01,800 --> 01:06:04,920

It's not, she's not here.

: 1262

01:06:04,920 --> 01:06:09,960

Just forgiveness means I don't hate you, but you still can't sit with me.

: 1263

01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:13,599

There's been so many times and that's okay.

: 1264

01:06:13,599 --> 01:06:19,639

One of my biggest pet peeves was is when I feel that I have forgiven someone and someone

: 1265

01:06:19,639 --> 01:06:22,920

else is like, well, you need to forgive them.

: 1266

01:06:22,920 --> 01:06:25,030

I'm like, well, I have.

: 1267

01:06:25,030 --> 01:06:27,150

Well, how do you see forgiveness?

: 1268

01:06:27,150 --> 01:06:33,030

Because if you think I should be in that person's presence to keep being used in abuse, then that's

: 1269

01:06:33,030 --> 01:06:34,030

on you.

: 1270

01:06:34,030 --> 01:06:36,070

That is not forgiveness to me.

: 1271

01:06:36,070 --> 01:06:42,400

Forgiveness for me means having, recognizing what they did was wrong, having the mental

: 1272

01:06:42,400 --> 01:06:49,469

fortitude to shift and then deciding to go a different path and not be bitter and abuse

: 1273

01:06:49,469 --> 01:06:51,030

other people.

: 1274

01:06:51,030 --> 01:06:52,030

That's forgiveness.

: 1275

01:06:52,030 --> 01:06:54,789

So I think I'm okay.

: 1276

01:06:54,789 --> 01:06:59,630

I also, there was a talk, I think it was by Elder Uptov.

: 1277

01:06:59,630 --> 01:07:02,349

I just love the way that they, I don't remember who it was exactly.

: 1278

01:07:02,349 --> 01:07:09,099

But I remember when I was struggling with forgiveness where I felt like I had forgiven

: 1279

01:07:09,099 --> 01:07:15,219

someone or people, but I kept being told like, you need to do the work.

: 1280

01:07:15,219 --> 01:07:16,699

You haven't done enough.

: 1281

01:07:16,699 --> 01:07:19,860

I was so confused because I felt like I had done enough.

: 1282

01:07:19,860 --> 01:07:27,090

But being in this people's presence was not what I felt was enough because it was, I

: 1283

01:07:27,090 --> 01:07:32,130

didn't want to expose myself to like, you know, unnecessary hurt or continuous hurt.

: 1284

01:07:32,130 --> 01:07:36,610

I remember here and I talk and I was like, thank you, Lord, because I thought I was crazy

: 1285

01:07:36,610 --> 01:07:39,530

because like everyone else is telling me, oh, it's not enough.

: 1286

01:07:39,530 --> 01:07:41,760

And I heard that talk and I was okay.

: 1287

01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:42,760

Thank you.

: 1288

01:07:42,760 --> 01:07:44,320

Someone that actually makes sense.

: 1289

01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:45,320

Yes.

: 1290

01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:49,800

Not this, you know, someone else that doesn't know the full extent of the situation, assuming

: 1291

01:07:49,800 --> 01:07:54,079

that always was just like, no, sometimes you really need to shift and forgiveness can be

: 1292

01:07:54,079 --> 01:08:00,239

done without putting yourself in a space to be used in abuse over and over again.

: 1293

01:08:00,239 --> 01:08:02,239

And it has nothing to do with that person.

: 1294

01:08:02,239 --> 01:08:03,239

Nope.

: 1295

01:08:03,239 --> 01:08:05,159

Everything you let in go.

: 1296

01:08:05,159 --> 01:08:06,159

Yes.

: 1297

01:08:06,159 --> 01:08:09,639

And people, do you have that expectation to prepare and get back to that point and it's

: 1298

01:08:09,639 --> 01:08:11,559

like, I don't have the time or the energy.

: 1299

01:08:11,559 --> 01:08:13,400

Yeah, we're not going back.

: 1300

01:08:13,400 --> 01:08:14,639

We're just going to go forward.

: 1301

01:08:14,639 --> 01:08:15,639

Yes.

: 1302

01:08:15,639 --> 01:08:16,640

And that's okay.

: 1303

01:08:16,640 --> 01:08:17,640

They don't have to come along with me.

: 1304

01:08:17,640 --> 01:08:22,260

That's that you don't.

: 1305

01:08:22,260 --> 01:08:26,659

Let's go over to segment four, which is cross everything friendship.

: 1306

01:08:26,659 --> 01:08:31,770

What is the funniest culture shock moment between you and me and then between you and

: 1307

01:08:31,770 --> 01:08:36,090

me that you've experienced?

: 1308

01:08:36,090 --> 01:08:37,090

Okay.

: 1309

01:08:37,090 --> 01:08:38,090

We are new friends.

: 1310

01:08:38,090 --> 01:08:39,090

Yes, we are.

: 1311

01:08:39,090 --> 01:08:40,930

With like, don't sugarcoat it.

: 1312

01:08:40,930 --> 01:08:43,409

Two interactions.

: 1313

01:08:43,409 --> 01:08:46,369

And this being an additional one.

: 1314

01:08:46,369 --> 01:08:59,729

But culture shock would be my lack of knowing about your culture.

: 1315

01:08:59,729 --> 01:09:04,880

My lack of full understanding, like I have a respect for it.

: 1316

01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:05,880

Yeah.

: 1317

01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:07,039

And a love.

: 1318

01:09:08,039 --> 01:09:13,149

We had an interaction that I was like, Oh, I, yep.

: 1319

01:09:13,149 --> 01:09:16,829

I'm a white girl sitting here getting a good lesson.

: 1320

01:09:16,829 --> 01:09:20,869

And I took it in and I took it all and like, okay.

: 1321

01:09:20,869 --> 01:09:22,270

I yes.

: 1322

01:09:22,270 --> 01:09:23,750

I was that at the gala?

: 1323

01:09:23,750 --> 01:09:24,750

Yes.

: 1324

01:09:24,750 --> 01:09:26,750

It was so beautiful.

: 1325

01:09:26,750 --> 01:09:27,750

Yes.

: 1326

01:09:27,750 --> 01:09:31,510

But I also felt like, Oh, so much to learn.

: 1327

01:09:31,510 --> 01:09:41,579

So much to learn to just involve myself with more things and more compassion and more

: 1328

01:09:41,579 --> 01:09:48,500

understanding and more just in the way that those women were thinking about their success

: 1329

01:09:48,500 --> 01:09:53,500

about their accomplishments about your community.

: 1330

01:09:53,500 --> 01:09:56,420

And I thought, okay, yeah, the challenges that face.

: 1331

01:09:56,420 --> 01:09:57,420

Yes.

: 1332

01:09:57,420 --> 01:10:00,939

Privilege I have received that I thought, Oh, yeah, I get it.

: 1333

01:10:00,939 --> 01:10:01,939

I get it.

: 1334

01:10:01,939 --> 01:10:02,939

Enough.

: 1335

01:10:02,939 --> 01:10:07,939

I was like, Oh, no, girl, you got some work to do as well.

: 1336

01:10:07,939 --> 01:10:11,779

I said to myself, so yes, but were you able to relate?

: 1337

01:10:11,779 --> 01:10:12,779

Yes.

: 1338

01:10:12,779 --> 01:10:16,699

Because I felt like there were a lot of things there because even though we have different

: 1339

01:10:16,699 --> 01:10:20,539

cultures, there are still things that one were women.

: 1340

01:10:20,539 --> 01:10:24,060

We're all daughters and Heavenly Father, first and foremost.

: 1341

01:10:24,060 --> 01:10:29,340

So those basic foundation for us, we have, you know, things that we can relate to on

: 1342

01:10:29,340 --> 01:10:30,340

that.

: 1343

01:10:30,340 --> 01:10:33,739

But then when you bring race in, it changes just slightly.

: 1344

01:10:33,739 --> 01:10:38,020

Like I love that you felt like your eyes were open to things that you were not aware

: 1345

01:10:38,020 --> 01:10:39,020

of.

: 1346

01:10:39,020 --> 01:10:43,100

And that's because you got an opportunity to be in a different circle outside of what

: 1347

01:10:43,100 --> 01:10:44,260

you're norm.

: 1348

01:10:44,260 --> 01:10:45,260

Yeah.

: 1349

01:10:45,260 --> 01:10:47,100

But it was still very beautiful, very impactful.

: 1350

01:10:47,100 --> 01:10:48,100

Yeah.

: 1351

01:10:48,100 --> 01:10:50,180

And just it's worth the experience.

: 1352

01:10:50,180 --> 01:10:52,819

I feel like everyone should experience something.

: 1353

01:10:52,819 --> 01:10:55,859

One of the things that I've seen in Utah is that there were a lot of people that never

: 1354

01:10:55,859 --> 01:10:58,340

leave their little communities.

: 1355

01:10:58,340 --> 01:11:03,340

And I know that a lot of people go on missions, but I don't think a lot of people, especially

: 1356

01:11:03,340 --> 01:11:09,029

the women, I feel like the women need to get out more and maybe just go to a different

: 1357

01:11:09,029 --> 01:11:15,170

city within Utah, but just go to a different city and just experience life outside of

: 1358

01:11:15,170 --> 01:11:21,210

their community because just the way that your mind and your heart will open, it's just amazing.

: 1359

01:11:21,210 --> 01:11:28,079

And if I had enough money in the world, I would want everyone to visit five different

: 1360

01:11:28,079 --> 01:11:31,720

countries and just immerse themselves.

: 1361

01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:32,720

Yes.

: 1362

01:11:32,720 --> 01:11:35,239

Three months at a time, just immerse yourself.

: 1363

01:11:35,239 --> 01:11:40,000

Because when you do that, it's like you'll come back and you'll appreciate what you have,

: 1364

01:11:40,000 --> 01:11:41,840

what you're surrounded by.

: 1365

01:11:41,840 --> 01:11:44,479

And you'll just see the world just very differently.

: 1366

01:11:44,479 --> 01:11:51,430

But if you never leave, you miss out so much, so much in just everyday, everyday life.

: 1367

01:11:51,430 --> 01:11:56,750

So I'm glad you got to experience that in Utah, in Salt Lake, and you didn't have to travel

: 1368

01:11:56,750 --> 01:11:57,750

far.

: 1369

01:11:57,750 --> 01:12:03,109

So, and you had that moment to just like, huh, this is so interesting.

: 1370

01:12:03,109 --> 01:12:07,369

And it was very, very, what I love about, that's what, so that's what she does is creates

: 1371

01:12:07,369 --> 01:12:11,149

that space for that, that to happen.

: 1372

01:12:11,149 --> 01:12:13,229

And it's a very thought out process.

: 1373

01:12:13,229 --> 01:12:20,829

So, yeah, it was a group I was looking for, but didn't know how to find until we connected.

: 1374

01:12:20,829 --> 01:12:24,789

Because I was your friend, I found something I needed.

: 1375

01:12:24,789 --> 01:12:25,789

Wow.

: 1376

01:12:25,789 --> 01:12:26,789

And so that was a huge gift.

: 1377

01:12:26,789 --> 01:12:27,789

Oh.

: 1378

01:12:27,789 --> 01:12:28,989

That was a huge gift for me.

: 1379

01:12:28,989 --> 01:12:30,250

Yay.

: 1380

01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:31,250

Meg Meg.

: 1381

01:12:31,250 --> 01:12:39,210

No, no, my experience in this conversation, I'm thinking, I don't have the same perception

: 1382

01:12:39,210 --> 01:12:42,970

of a lot of the women in Utah needing to go outside.

: 1383

01:12:43,970 --> 01:12:44,970

Oh, yeah.

: 1384

01:12:44,970 --> 01:12:52,359

Just because I feel like the majority of the people that I know have traveled, they have,

: 1385

01:12:52,359 --> 01:12:59,239

you know, strong family ties to Utah, which is something that I've never really understood.

: 1386

01:12:59,239 --> 01:13:08,069

Like, people in Utah grow up in a certain area, they stay in that certain area, and they

: 1387

01:13:08,069 --> 01:13:09,069

do everything with their family.

: 1388

01:13:09,069 --> 01:13:13,869

Because I think that's one of the challenges that I faced in finding my community, is I did

: 1389

01:13:13,869 --> 01:13:15,470

not have that whole piece.

: 1390

01:13:15,470 --> 01:13:16,470

Yeah.

: 1391

01:13:16,470 --> 01:13:18,670

And I think that's something you and I both connected on.

: 1392

01:13:18,670 --> 01:13:19,670

Right.

: 1393

01:13:19,670 --> 01:13:23,890

And so I was interested in hearing that perspective because, well, maybe it depends on where you

: 1394

01:13:23,890 --> 01:13:25,050

live in Utah.

: 1395

01:13:25,050 --> 01:13:27,210

It does depend on where you live in Utah.

: 1396

01:13:27,210 --> 01:13:29,010

I think I was not aware of that.

: 1397

01:13:29,010 --> 01:13:35,569

And that's why I was telling you earlier that I got to learn what suburban living was compared

: 1398

01:13:35,569 --> 01:13:37,729

to the city living that I had grown up in.

: 1399

01:13:37,729 --> 01:13:43,130

And the city that you lived in in Utah was, when I first got here, I had a hard time.

: 1400

01:13:43,130 --> 01:13:44,729

I felt like I had a hard time.

: 1401

01:13:44,729 --> 01:13:47,569

Like I felt like I was trying to infiltrate people's groups.

: 1402

01:13:47,569 --> 01:13:48,569

Yes.

: 1403

01:13:48,569 --> 01:13:50,050

And I was not allowed.

: 1404

01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:51,449

But they are welcome.

: 1405

01:13:51,449 --> 01:13:52,649

I mean, 10 next time.

: 1406

01:13:52,649 --> 01:13:53,649

Yes.

: 1407

01:13:53,649 --> 01:13:55,170

I want you to feel comfortable here.

: 1408

01:13:55,170 --> 01:13:56,170

Right.

: 1409

01:13:56,170 --> 01:13:57,449

But you're still not one of us.

: 1410

01:13:57,449 --> 01:13:58,449

Yes.

: 1411

01:13:58,449 --> 01:13:59,449

Right.

: 1412

01:13:59,449 --> 01:14:00,449

I know that was rough because, you know, I meet you.

: 1413

01:14:00,449 --> 01:14:02,409

I'm like, Hey, let's be friends.

: 1414

01:14:02,409 --> 01:14:04,050

Let's just all be friends.

: 1415

01:14:04,050 --> 01:14:05,409

Yeah, come by.

: 1416

01:14:05,409 --> 01:14:06,409

And so that was.

: 1417

01:14:06,409 --> 01:14:08,250

I am a, I am.

: 1418

01:14:08,250 --> 01:14:10,569

And so that was something that was very difficult for me.

: 1419

01:14:10,569 --> 01:14:13,569

So over time, I learned to create my tribe.

: 1420

01:14:13,569 --> 01:14:14,569

Yeah.

: 1421

01:14:14,569 --> 01:14:19,170

I learned to create my tribe because what I was lacking here in Utah was my community.

: 1422

01:14:19,170 --> 01:14:23,609

But I realized that, you know what, I may not have my community, but I can have a, I can

: 1423

01:14:23,609 --> 01:14:24,930

build a tribe.

: 1424

01:14:24,930 --> 01:14:28,289

And so over time I built a tribe and that's where Meg came in.

: 1425

01:14:28,289 --> 01:14:30,329

And that's where now you are now joining me.

: 1426

01:14:30,329 --> 01:14:32,930

And you think I might be seasonal, well, we're not going to be seasonal friends.

: 1427

01:14:32,930 --> 01:14:36,090

We're going to be really, just a long time.

: 1428

01:14:36,090 --> 01:14:37,649

I've put a label on you.

: 1429

01:14:37,649 --> 01:14:38,649

Yeah.

: 1430

01:14:38,649 --> 01:14:41,170

I think you culture shock with you.

: 1431

01:14:41,170 --> 01:14:43,409

I didn't feel like we had that.

: 1432

01:14:43,409 --> 01:14:47,210

No, I think we had because we were both from different.

: 1433

01:14:47,210 --> 01:14:48,210

Yeah.

: 1434

01:14:48,210 --> 01:14:49,210

California.

: 1435

01:14:49,210 --> 01:14:50,689

California is like, okay, yeah, we're both.

: 1436

01:14:50,689 --> 01:14:54,810

Like that's the thing is like we have that understanding of each other.

: 1437

01:14:54,810 --> 01:15:01,090

But I do think the culture shock for me was hearing about like the expectations your family

: 1438

01:15:01,090 --> 01:15:03,050

had on you.

: 1439

01:15:03,050 --> 01:15:10,250

And trying to get you to pivot in the direction in which they wanted for you.

: 1440

01:15:10,250 --> 01:15:13,569

And I know when we first met you struggled with that.

: 1441

01:15:13,569 --> 01:15:15,250

You struggle putting those boundaries up.

: 1442

01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:18,010

And I'm like, you would never let me talk to you like that.

: 1443

01:15:18,010 --> 01:15:21,409

Why are you letting your, you know, so and so talk to you like that.

: 1444

01:15:21,409 --> 01:15:27,569

And so I think that was the biggest shock for me is like, why do you still have a relationship

: 1445

01:15:27,569 --> 01:15:30,930

just because their family does not mean they owe you anything.

: 1446

01:15:30,930 --> 01:15:31,930

Yeah.

: 1447

01:15:31,930 --> 01:15:35,090

And I understand like, yeah, there's a hierarchy in your family.

: 1448

01:15:35,090 --> 01:15:41,529

There's an understanding you had a place and you didn't want to stay in that place.

: 1449

01:15:41,529 --> 01:15:43,850

And so watching you.

: 1450

01:15:43,850 --> 01:15:45,850

So Moses did not.

: 1451

01:15:45,850 --> 01:15:46,850

Yeah.

: 1452

01:15:46,850 --> 01:15:48,729

So you had to put those boundaries.

: 1453

01:15:48,729 --> 01:15:58,500

So throughout the years, I've seen you go from like, I'm uncomfortable at, you know, to like,

: 1454

01:15:58,500 --> 01:15:59,500

what are you doing?

: 1455

01:15:59,500 --> 01:16:00,500

Yeah.

: 1456

01:16:00,500 --> 01:16:02,500

I think that for me was the culture.

: 1457

01:16:02,500 --> 01:16:05,380

I'm like, I would not like, what are you doing?

: 1458

01:16:05,380 --> 01:16:06,380

Yeah.

: 1459

01:16:06,380 --> 01:16:07,779

So it definitely was.

: 1460

01:16:07,779 --> 01:16:12,300

And part of it was just because the way that I grew up as in a Niger and household and how

: 1461

01:16:12,300 --> 01:16:16,420

we saw how respect is dished out.

: 1462

01:16:16,420 --> 01:16:18,180

Respect is not because you earned it.

: 1463

01:16:18,180 --> 01:16:19,779

Respect is based on your age.

: 1464

01:16:19,779 --> 01:16:26,340

So if you're older than me by a year, there's a certain level of respect I have to give you.

: 1465

01:16:26,340 --> 01:16:28,060

And that's not the American culture.

: 1466

01:16:28,060 --> 01:16:29,699

It's like, if you're going to act up.

: 1467

01:16:29,699 --> 01:16:32,140

Yeah, it's not it was never me.

: 1468

01:16:32,140 --> 01:16:34,579

You know, I grew up in that culture, but I learned that it was not me.

: 1469

01:16:34,579 --> 01:16:36,180

And so I made changes.

: 1470

01:16:36,180 --> 01:16:38,260

And those changes took time.

: 1471

01:16:38,260 --> 01:16:45,819

And I would say that like, I do thank you and rich because you allowed me to see that.

: 1472

01:16:45,819 --> 01:16:52,140

And also moving here to Utah and being an environment where I was not around the cultural

: 1473

01:16:52,140 --> 01:16:56,899

things that would hold me back, it forced me to just be like, okay, we're not doing

: 1474

01:16:56,899 --> 01:16:57,899

that.

: 1475

01:16:57,899 --> 01:17:02,420

And I'm not messaging and say, if you're being rude, I will be talking to you like this and

: 1476

01:17:02,420 --> 01:17:03,979

not have a problem with it.

: 1477

01:17:03,979 --> 01:17:09,600

Because sometimes people need to understand like, this is this behavior is not okay.

: 1478

01:17:09,600 --> 01:17:13,199

And I have no problem letting people know that today.

: 1479

01:17:13,199 --> 01:17:16,840

I'm not the type of the place.

: 1480

01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:19,119

Don't let them get to you.

: 1481

01:17:19,119 --> 01:17:23,720

What boundaries, speaking of boundaries, what boundaries help you love people without losing

: 1482

01:17:23,720 --> 01:17:24,720

yourself?

: 1483

01:17:25,470 --> 01:17:34,090

It comes to expectations, knowing that expectations are boundaries in a different way.

: 1484

01:17:34,090 --> 01:17:35,770

You know that I'm not going to drain you.

: 1485

01:17:35,770 --> 01:17:37,930

I know that you're not going to drain me.

: 1486

01:17:37,930 --> 01:17:41,050

Every time we see each other and talk to each other, it's like we haven't seen each other

: 1487

01:17:41,050 --> 01:17:42,050

in 25 years.

: 1488

01:17:42,050 --> 01:17:44,050

We do our happy dance first.

: 1489

01:17:44,050 --> 01:17:45,970

And I'm sure we scare people.

: 1490

01:17:45,970 --> 01:17:51,890

We're just like dancing up to each other and people think with this like, you know, professional

: 1491

01:17:51,970 --> 01:17:55,770

women, like we're just 14 year old when we earn each other's presents.

: 1492

01:17:55,770 --> 01:17:57,170

I like to say 15 though.

: 1493

01:17:57,170 --> 01:17:58,170

I'm just kidding.

: 1494

01:17:58,170 --> 01:18:06,329

No, it's I think for me, if I have to have firm boundaries, yeah, probably not going

: 1495

01:18:06,329 --> 01:18:11,430

to work at least his friendship almost has those as a flexibility.

: 1496

01:18:11,430 --> 01:18:12,430

Yeah.

: 1497

01:18:12,430 --> 01:18:15,810

So kind of an over-underbout answer.

: 1498

01:18:15,810 --> 01:18:18,510

What do you think?

: 1499

01:18:18,510 --> 01:18:19,510

Well, getting a water.

: 1500

01:18:19,510 --> 01:18:21,109

I don't know if this was just a pop.

: 1501

01:18:21,470 --> 01:18:23,029

I'm like, I don't want to waste this.

: 1502

01:18:23,029 --> 01:18:24,029

The sticker.

: 1503

01:18:24,029 --> 01:18:28,180

You could totally have some water.

: 1504

01:18:28,180 --> 01:18:32,979

I think for me, the boundaries that helped me love people is without losing myself is

: 1505

01:18:32,979 --> 01:18:39,180

knowing that I'm not being malicious in the way that I'm approaching them.

: 1506

01:18:39,180 --> 01:18:43,460

And if I can find a spot in my heart where I know that I'm being honest with myself, it's

: 1507

01:18:43,460 --> 01:18:47,140

not so much about them because they're going to see and take whatever I do.

: 1508

01:18:47,140 --> 01:18:50,220

However, they want to see it and feel.

: 1509

01:18:50,220 --> 01:18:57,880

But as long as I'm okay with myself and know that one thing, the measurement that I usually

: 1510

01:18:57,880 --> 01:19:03,640

do is I ask myself, like, if God were to come today, if Christ were to come back today and

: 1511

01:19:03,640 --> 01:19:11,479

today is Judgment Day, would I be able to stand on that judgment table and be okay with

: 1512

01:19:11,479 --> 01:19:14,000

the way, with the decision that I'm making right now?

: 1513

01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:17,149

And if my answer is yes, I'm okay with it.

: 1514

01:19:17,149 --> 01:19:18,829

Because it's not for them.

: 1515

01:19:18,829 --> 01:19:21,869

Like I can, they can bring me peace.

: 1516

01:19:21,869 --> 01:19:23,789

I have to find my own peace.

: 1517

01:19:23,789 --> 01:19:27,069

So whatever I do has to be on me, right?

: 1518

01:19:27,069 --> 01:19:28,069

Yeah.

: 1519

01:19:28,069 --> 01:19:32,829

So and then what I've found is once I've come to terms with that, then I start seeing that

: 1520

01:19:32,829 --> 01:19:39,930

person differently so that the things that they usually did that just, ugh, just got me in

: 1521

01:19:39,930 --> 01:19:43,010

the core, no longer effects me anymore.

: 1522

01:19:43,010 --> 01:19:44,010

Yeah.

: 1523

01:19:44,010 --> 01:19:47,449

Boundaries, like I have very limited time before I start losing myself.

: 1524

01:19:47,449 --> 01:19:54,010

So I set a time limit on my exposure to that person because I know how much I can take.

: 1525

01:19:54,010 --> 01:19:58,609

And before the empathy part of me just starts like absorbing all the huff and puff and

: 1526

01:19:58,609 --> 01:20:01,569

things like that, they're just like, ugh, drains you.

: 1527

01:20:01,569 --> 01:20:07,850

So that's what I do is just being at peace with my decision of how I want to walk with

: 1528

01:20:07,850 --> 01:20:09,720

this person.

: 1529

01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:13,479

And then that way I don't have to, I don't expect anything from them.

: 1530

01:20:13,479 --> 01:20:16,359

I hope, I stopped expecting things from people.

: 1531

01:20:16,359 --> 01:20:18,949

I just hope.

: 1532

01:20:18,949 --> 01:20:20,180

Yeah.

: 1533

01:20:20,180 --> 01:20:21,180

Yeah.

: 1534

01:20:21,180 --> 01:20:25,260

One of the things that came to mind when you said boundaries was time for me.

: 1535

01:20:25,260 --> 01:20:33,180

If a text message comes through or someone's calling, I know like, ooh, I, that's going

: 1536

01:20:33,180 --> 01:20:34,819

to be a lot of time.

: 1537

01:20:34,819 --> 01:20:37,180

And do I have that time that I want to give?

: 1538

01:20:37,180 --> 01:20:38,180

Yep.

: 1539

01:20:38,180 --> 01:20:40,460

And the other one for me is energy.

: 1540

01:20:40,460 --> 01:20:44,010

Like I've either got a protect mind.

: 1541

01:20:44,010 --> 01:20:45,010

Yep.

: 1542

01:20:45,010 --> 01:20:50,449

I'm going to give you little bits, you know, like, ooh, I know that I can give you a little,

: 1543

01:20:50,449 --> 01:20:54,250

but then there's other people that I'm like, you know, you're going to get it all.

: 1544

01:20:54,250 --> 01:20:55,770

So time and energy for me.

: 1545

01:20:55,770 --> 01:20:56,770

Yeah.

: 1546

01:20:56,770 --> 01:20:59,210

I do a lot of ignoring calls.

: 1547

01:20:59,210 --> 01:21:03,010

I can't take that, but you can text me and let me know.

: 1548

01:21:03,010 --> 01:21:07,939

Instagram memories will redirect people you already buried in peace.

: 1549

01:21:07,939 --> 01:21:08,939

Oh, yes.

: 1550

01:21:08,939 --> 01:21:12,539

So you can say that again.

: 1551

01:21:13,539 --> 01:21:22,220

So sometimes rejection is redirection, closures, peace, slowing up after the block button.

: 1552

01:21:22,220 --> 01:21:26,180

And then lastly, the rebuild and the real ones.

: 1553

01:21:26,180 --> 01:21:28,859

What makes you instantly trust or distrust a new friend?

: 1554

01:21:28,859 --> 01:21:30,909

I'll go with you.

: 1555

01:21:30,909 --> 01:21:35,260

And then you can tell me what you're dealing with the work.

: 1556

01:21:35,260 --> 01:21:40,039

I think in this day and age, just think about social media too.

: 1557

01:21:40,039 --> 01:21:48,409

Like what makes you instantly like distress someone.

: 1558

01:21:48,409 --> 01:21:50,930

Body language and cues for me.

: 1559

01:21:50,930 --> 01:21:54,329

It's just like the first thing.

: 1560

01:21:54,329 --> 01:21:56,050

Your tone of voice.

: 1561

01:21:56,050 --> 01:21:59,819

Are you being warm, open?

: 1562

01:21:59,819 --> 01:22:02,460

Do you side-eye me immediately?

: 1563

01:22:02,460 --> 01:22:05,819

That's like initially I'm like, ooh, the cue.

: 1564

01:22:05,819 --> 01:22:06,819

Okay.

: 1565

01:22:06,819 --> 01:22:10,319

I don't know.

: 1566

01:22:10,319 --> 01:22:11,539

Yeah.

: 1567

01:22:11,539 --> 01:22:17,060

For me, it is usually I feel like I have a good read on people.

: 1568

01:22:17,060 --> 01:22:21,239

And if there's it, I'm drawn to certain people.

: 1569

01:22:21,239 --> 01:22:25,359

So if I feel like I'm drawn to someone, I'll go in that direction.

: 1570

01:22:25,359 --> 01:22:27,720

But she side-eyed me when I met her.

: 1571

01:22:27,720 --> 01:22:31,300

So the fact that she made it through.

: 1572

01:22:31,300 --> 01:22:32,859

Jobe side-eyed me.

: 1573

01:22:32,859 --> 01:22:34,539

Yeah, that's true.

: 1574

01:22:34,539 --> 01:22:35,539

Who is this?

: 1575

01:22:35,539 --> 01:22:40,100

I'm still working on my proper social norms.

: 1576

01:22:40,100 --> 01:22:44,819

You know, because sometimes when people do that, it's really hard because we are taught

: 1577

01:22:44,819 --> 01:22:46,819

to read body language.

: 1578

01:22:46,819 --> 01:22:53,439

And it says that 90% of communication is body language.

: 1579

01:22:53,439 --> 01:22:57,600

But watch that one person who side-eyed us is having that the worst day.

: 1580

01:22:57,600 --> 01:22:58,600

Right.

: 1581

01:22:58,600 --> 01:22:59,600

Which really are.

: 1582

01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:04,520

I think you can still pick up on whether or not it's intentional or whether they're going

: 1583

01:23:04,520 --> 01:23:06,439

through something or share.

: 1584

01:23:06,439 --> 01:23:10,239

Because if you really listen, you will know the difference.

: 1585

01:23:10,319 --> 01:23:13,479

It's almost like your spirit will like identify it.

: 1586

01:23:13,479 --> 01:23:19,039

I've had a conversation with where a client called and they had been having a hard time

: 1587

01:23:19,039 --> 01:23:21,039

getting, you know, an apartment.

: 1588

01:23:21,039 --> 01:23:23,800

And he called and asked me what our criteria was.

: 1589

01:23:23,800 --> 01:23:26,520

And I told him and he's like, you know what, you're not going to take me and he just hangs

: 1590

01:23:26,520 --> 01:23:27,520

up.

: 1591

01:23:27,520 --> 01:23:29,520

And I was like, and then something tells me, call him back.

: 1592

01:23:29,520 --> 01:23:33,229

And I could just ignore the call and like just move on.

: 1593

01:23:33,229 --> 01:23:36,590

But I called him back and I was like, hey, you didn't let me finish.

: 1594

01:23:36,590 --> 01:23:38,310

So tell me your situation.

: 1595

01:23:38,350 --> 01:23:39,789

So he tells me.

: 1596

01:23:39,789 --> 01:23:44,829

And then something was like, yes, he is not perfect on paper, but go ahead and rent to

: 1597

01:23:44,829 --> 01:23:45,960

him.

: 1598

01:23:45,960 --> 01:23:47,520

Because I don't know.

: 1599

01:23:47,520 --> 01:23:49,159

There was just something that spoke to me.

: 1600

01:23:49,159 --> 01:23:54,359

So you can have that where someone is like being, even with my children now, when they're

: 1601

01:23:54,359 --> 01:24:00,960

being like rude, I sometimes want to ask like, what's going on?

: 1602

01:24:00,960 --> 01:24:01,960

What has changed?

: 1603

01:24:01,960 --> 01:24:02,960

What's called?

: 1604

01:24:02,960 --> 01:24:04,920

Because that's a secondary emotion, right?

: 1605

01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:08,239

So what's causing you to be rude?

: 1606

01:24:08,239 --> 01:24:09,239

What's the why?

: 1607

01:24:09,239 --> 01:24:10,239

Yeah, what's the why behind that?

: 1608

01:24:10,239 --> 01:24:11,239

Right.

: 1609

01:24:11,239 --> 01:24:12,239

Right.

: 1610

01:24:12,239 --> 01:24:13,239

Yeah.

: 1611

01:24:13,239 --> 01:24:14,239

Money.

: 1612

01:24:14,239 --> 01:24:15,239

True.

: 1613

01:24:15,239 --> 01:24:16,640

Venmo me mom.

: 1614

01:24:16,640 --> 01:24:21,119

But it's also picking up the cues without words that they're not using words for.

: 1615

01:24:21,119 --> 01:24:22,119

Yeah.

: 1616

01:24:22,119 --> 01:24:24,399

Who's a friend you're most grateful for right now?

: 1617

01:24:24,399 --> 01:24:26,920

Me, of course, I'm just kidding.

: 1618

01:24:26,920 --> 01:24:29,720

But like if you can think about one of your friends, like who's a friend that you're most

: 1619

01:24:29,720 --> 01:24:30,720

grateful for right now?

: 1620

01:24:30,720 --> 01:24:35,079

I don't have to say a name, but just like maybe just say how they make you feel what

: 1621

01:24:35,079 --> 01:24:40,939

they're doing, either what you're doing for them or what they're doing for you.

: 1622

01:24:40,939 --> 01:24:47,619

For me, I have been in a season of feeling unseen and unheard.

: 1623

01:24:47,619 --> 01:24:49,939

And that's very vulnerable to share.

: 1624

01:24:49,939 --> 01:24:51,739

But you know, we keep it real here.

: 1625

01:24:51,739 --> 01:24:53,699

Yeah, of course.

: 1626

01:24:53,699 --> 01:24:56,460

And I'm looking like, what do you mean on scene?

: 1627

01:24:56,460 --> 01:24:58,340

I see you girl like what?

: 1628

01:24:58,340 --> 01:25:00,380

Who is not seeing you today?

: 1629

01:25:02,149 --> 01:25:08,750

So there has been someone in my circle that we have been friendly and she has recognized

: 1630

01:25:08,750 --> 01:25:16,710

things, maybe even signals that I was putting out that that she was like, okay, I there's

: 1631

01:25:16,710 --> 01:25:18,989

a draw.

: 1632

01:25:18,989 --> 01:25:23,149

She was drawn to me and I appreciate that because she has done things for me in the

: 1633

01:25:23,149 --> 01:25:27,300

last couple of months with words and actions.

: 1634

01:25:27,300 --> 01:25:32,520

And I have said to her, so nice to be thought of.

: 1635

01:25:32,520 --> 01:25:39,239

So nice that you think that of me, you know, giving her back what maybe I needed to hear,

: 1636

01:25:39,239 --> 01:25:45,489

which has taken our friendly to more of a friendship.

: 1637

01:25:45,489 --> 01:25:47,359

That's awesome.

: 1638

01:25:47,359 --> 01:25:52,720

Mine's similar, but it's one of those friendships that, you know, we just kind of planted that

: 1639

01:25:52,720 --> 01:25:53,720

seed.

: 1640

01:25:53,720 --> 01:25:57,520

You know, when I first moved into the neighborhood, I hadn't met those people in my community

: 1641

01:25:57,520 --> 01:26:00,000

that would become my tribe.

: 1642

01:26:00,000 --> 01:26:08,550

And now she's in the season when her kids are older and she is more aware of my situation.

: 1643

01:26:08,550 --> 01:26:13,979

And she just randomly drops off food.

: 1644

01:26:13,979 --> 01:26:15,819

And I'm like, what are you doing?

: 1645

01:26:15,819 --> 01:26:20,659

Your son is home with two vocal arms and you're here serving me.

: 1646

01:26:20,659 --> 01:26:26,840

And so it's another testament to like, doesn't mean it's not going to happen, it's just not

: 1647

01:26:26,840 --> 01:26:28,350

right now.

: 1648

01:26:28,350 --> 01:26:34,229

And so and also being okay with not being able to give back in the way that I want to,

: 1649

01:26:34,229 --> 01:26:37,430

but know that there will come a time when I get to be in her.

: 1650

01:26:37,430 --> 01:26:38,430

Yes.

: 1651

01:26:38,430 --> 01:26:41,989

And I will make sure that that message is delivered.

: 1652

01:26:41,989 --> 01:26:44,140

Isn't that beautiful?

: 1653

01:26:44,140 --> 01:26:48,819

Like you're being taught something right now for someone later.

: 1654

01:26:48,819 --> 01:26:52,659

And that's what she's doing is giving you that opportunity to see what it is like.

: 1655

01:26:52,659 --> 01:26:53,659

They don't have to ask.

: 1656

01:26:53,659 --> 01:26:54,659

They don't have to call.

: 1657

01:26:54,659 --> 01:26:55,659

You just show up.

: 1658

01:26:55,659 --> 01:26:56,819

And that's a beautiful part.

: 1659

01:26:56,819 --> 01:27:01,699

So you guys are amazing and I'm glad to know you both.

: 1660

01:27:01,699 --> 01:27:03,619

You are the Megan's in my life.

: 1661

01:27:03,619 --> 01:27:08,819

There certain names that I remember when we were trying to name our daughter and my husband

: 1662

01:27:08,819 --> 01:27:09,819

came up with the name.

: 1663

01:27:09,819 --> 01:27:11,000

I was like, absolutely not.

: 1664

01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:15,939

Because I had someone with that name in my childhood that was not nice to me.

: 1665

01:27:15,939 --> 01:27:18,779

So in my life, Megan's are good.

: 1666

01:27:18,779 --> 01:27:19,859

I'll take it.

: 1667

01:27:19,859 --> 01:27:21,340

Why wasn't I?

: 1668

01:27:21,340 --> 01:27:23,779

I will not say the name in case someone has that name.

: 1669

01:27:23,779 --> 01:27:25,619

Naomi, you should have been Megan.

: 1670

01:27:25,619 --> 01:27:26,619

Right.

: 1671

01:27:26,619 --> 01:27:27,619

We have a cold baby.

: 1672

01:27:27,619 --> 01:27:28,619

We can make it.

: 1673

01:27:28,619 --> 01:27:29,619

We can make it.

: 1674

01:27:29,619 --> 01:27:32,149

Okay.

: 1675

01:27:32,149 --> 01:27:33,550

We're going to wrap up.

: 1676

01:27:33,550 --> 01:27:40,720

But I just want to thank you both for being here and for having this well-needed conversation.

: 1677

01:27:40,720 --> 01:27:45,800

And just being my two Megan's in my life that have two prospective friendships with me right

: 1678

01:27:45,800 --> 01:27:51,119

now and just being willing to like give me your time in and just have a conversation that

: 1679

01:27:51,119 --> 01:27:55,920

hopefully will help someone out there that needs to hear whatever it is that we have to

: 1680

01:27:55,920 --> 01:27:56,920

share.

: 1681

01:27:56,920 --> 01:28:01,359

My friend deserves a blank slate, not the residue of old pain.

: 1682

01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:03,989

God never called us to isolation.

: 1683

01:28:03,989 --> 01:28:05,710

He called us to discernment.

: 1684

01:28:05,710 --> 01:28:08,550

So text a friend you miss.

: 1685

01:28:08,550 --> 01:28:10,789

Forgive the one who hurt you.

: 1686

01:28:10,789 --> 01:28:13,300

Celebrate the one who stayed.

: 1687

01:28:13,300 --> 01:28:16,859

Friendship is sacred, messy and worth the work.

: 1688

01:28:16,859 --> 01:28:24,220

And if all else fails, take yourself out to lunch and call it networking with Jesus.

: 1689

01:28:24,220 --> 01:28:29,100

This is the Berkus Table where faith meets the facts of life and we remind you even

: 1690

01:28:29,100 --> 01:28:31,899

when people walk out, God never leaves.

: 1691

01:28:31,899 --> 01:28:34,699

Thank you for joining me at the Berkus Table.

: 1692

01:28:34,699 --> 01:28:41,020

If today's conversation inspired you, please subscribe, share and leave a review.

: 1693

01:28:41,020 --> 01:28:42,979

I'm Esther Jackson Stowell.

: 1694

01:28:42,979 --> 01:28:47,260

Until next time, keep brokering faith, family and freedom.

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